suffocated

i'm just going to come out and say something that is probably really unpopular. but having a boyfriend or having children is not the purpose of one's life.

i'm saddened to discover that one of my friends has become yet another relationship causality. that her life, interests and friends are all now dead to her because she has a boyfriend. i'm not sure where this mentality comes from, but it's far too rampant in our society. people seem to believe that they spend their lives searching for "the one", and all their activities up until that point keep them occupied until that happens. however, in reality, having a partner is PART of our life journeys, but not the purpose for it. i wish we could all shake off this misconception, because it's horribly unhealthy. it puts way too much pressure on the spouse to make that person's life fulfilled.

marriage, relationships, and children are good, healthy and valuable. the problem is when they become the centre of people's existence. the alarm bell should go off when you look around and realize "if this person died today, i would have nothing". and i really mean nothing. that you have no friends, and no interests outside that person. i've been there. when my boyfriend left me back in 2004, i had nothing. nothing at all. thankfully i DID have the bare remnants of a friendship with melinda who willingly admitted me back into her life instead of holding a grudge against me (which would've been justified). i understand what it's like to love your partner more than life itself. i can imagine what it's like to love your child completely sacrificially. this is not the same thing as a relationship causality. we all need to maintain our identities outside those roles. people are not defined by being a wife or mother. those are elements of identities, but they are not the sum of all the parts.

do something just for you. have activities and experiences outside of that box. i can guarantee that you'll enjoy it, and it will probably improve that relationship. sometimes people think "if only i could spend more time with so-and-so, things will be ok" when really, we all just need some space to breathe.

p.s. this was not directed at anyone of you. my anonymous friend has never read pspd.

i feel like i'm watching you drown and it's killing me.

another one bites the dust.

everest

i always like bob saget. i admit, there was a time there when i went along with the crowd of saying he was lame, but i always found his cheesy jokes amusing.

i'm really sick. this may be one of the worst colds i've ever had. thankfully my sinus aren't bothering me. i called in this morning to say i wasn't coming into work, then went back to sleep until 2:30. sometimes when i'd stir i'd think "maybe i should get up" but i was just tired, and so so sick, so i stayed in bed. it was nice not having anything i needed to do.

i had plans with my dad for him to come over for dinner, he said he'd bring some minos, so didn't even have to make dinner. that was nice. it was fun, he brought some old photos from his childhood that my uncle sent him. i'd never seen pictures of him younger than 15 before. i saw pictures of my grandpa for the very first time. i was surprised to discover that he had blue eyes! everyone in my immediate family has dark hair and dark eyes, so i assumed that was a family trait. i asked him how my grandma died, and what his youngest memory is. my earliest memory is from when we lived in courtright, and he was surprised i could remember that because i was only 2 years old.

oh i feel so so sick. when i'm sick i'm a big baby. i like to whine and moan, i make silly jokes to myself and giggle at my ridiculous behaviour. i shuffle my feet when i walk and tend to stumble along on an angle. it's quite pathetic really, but i can justify my actions because it's just me and my moany-state doesn't coerce people into doing for me. being a whiney baby on these occasions brings me some joy.

i'm going to get into bed now and sleep in an upright position. my nose is raw.

make me a believer
the seas will part somehow

code

i just got home from seeing young @ heart at the screening room. i have to tell ya, it was fabulous. it made me laugh, grin, and admire their lovely lives. imagine being 92 and in a rock band? too awesome. i want to be a senior citizen misbehaving. those of you who go to next, do you remember when they played a video of an old man singing "fix you" by coldplay during the service? that was a clip from that movie. here's one of my favourite music videos by them. haha :D



there's a lot of things i look forward to doing as an old lady. i hope to own my own house and have a lavished garden. i want to go to matinees and socialize with lonely and isolated people. i'll listen to book tapes, and do crossword puzzles as mental exercises. i'll take up watercolour painting, and then eventually just fingerpainting. i think in many ways it's grand to grow old. i just hope i'm not crouchy, and that i don't grow a beard.

i seriously encourage all of you to go to the screening room to see it, if not rent it when it comes out. it's a beautiful tail of aging dynamically.

i'm feeling a little stressed and overwhelmed these days. i'm combating it strategically and by cutting out the unnecessary. i found myself wondering how and when my life became so busy and active. i suppose it was gradual.

you may say i'm a dreamer.

wallpaper

it's unbelievably beautiful out tonight. i just biked home from the erbs place and was stuck by how homey and inviting my balcony looks with it's twinkle lights strung along the awning. as i made dinner this evening i looked out the door to see a couple walking by who were looking up at my apartment. this happens quite often and i'm always startled thinking they're looking at me. they never are, i'm not even sure if they see me. the woman in this particular couple was smiling and said to the man "oh, i really like that" and gestured to my balcony. that made me grin and feel proud of my little abode.

i think i'm judgmental of her judgmentalism. i need to stop.

i got my bike all tuned up for the season the other day. i'd never greased the chain before, wow, it makes a remarkable difference. i love biking, it could be one of my favourite summer pass-times. i ride my tank of a mountain bike like a bmx, opting to peddle standing up instead of sitting. i'm surprised at my confidence on a bike considering my face has been banged up repeatedly from biking accidents – twice requiring stitches between my eyes.

i'm beyond grateful to be surrounded by like-minded people. i think i'm almost spoiled that way. my marriage creep-out has been somewhat appeased after spending an evening with jason and rachel. i suppose they reminded me that marriage is what you make of it, and it doesn't have to be like it seems on tv or the suburbs.

i am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding.

gone

it's scary when you realize that you're a commitment phobe. it dawned on me that i'm totally afraid of marriage and that i purposely fall for emotionally unavailable men because i find it easier to love then accept love. i love loving. i hate the vulnerability of being on the receiving end. i always feel so tense that i'm going to somehow do something to cause the person to stop loving me. i guess i'm not confident in other people's ability to love unconditionally. i think the same can be said about friendships, but to a lesser extent. i love people in general really easily, and mostly without expecting anything in return. because expectations lead to disappointments.

i've heard it said many times that marriage is about compromise, but as an observer, it seems to me that there's always one partner that has to compromise more than the other. and that scares me. i've spent the last 4 years building who i am. learning about myself. and developing boldness and confidence in what i discovered about myself. i don't want to lose that. i don't even want to trade it, unless it's for keeps. i'm also disturbed by the notion of causing anyone else to change as well.

i'm 28 years old. it's been 4 years since my last serious-relationship. i'm an ex-relationship junkie, who until january 2004 had dated non-stop for 8 years. boyfriends were my hobby and the longest gap between them was 2 months, the others were more like 2 weeks. it goes without saying that a lot of damage was done during that period in my life. i regret putting so much time and effort into relationships with men who are no longer in my life, and letting my other friendships go. i'm the opposite now. with 4 years of relationship-sobriety under my belt, all of you (with the exception of melinda, melody, and buddy) know me as a single woman who never dates. that seems ironic. i'm very different than i once was, the years of healing have been good to me.

i've become less daring. slow to gamble. i have more at stake. i hope my guardedness won't instead trip me up.

you'll be loved like you never have known.

freshman

it's 3 am and nostalgia is hitting me intensely. it's this song, it's that photo. it could be both, but i'm so overwhelmed with affection that its making me sick to my stomach. sometimes that happens. my stomach is very sensitive. and my heart has the ability to love beyond the scope of my own comprehension. sometimes i hate that, but mostly i wouldn't trade it for the world. i should go to bed before i throw up. besides, i have to get up early to go hangout with optimus prime.

a little big

i find being alive very interesting.

sounding like an old fart, i said to joy & tim last night "everybody is in such a rush to grow-up these days". we laughed, and then i explained myself. i don't mean kids. i mean adults, everyone wants to have RIGHT NOW. people (and myself included) forget that there's time, we don't have to have it all right now. that's something i'm slowly starting to understand. there've been things that i didn't get to do, i had to wait several years for, and when i finally got to i was so pleased. partly because of the wait, and partly because i was ready for a new experience. it's good and comforting when i'm faced with disappointments to know i can create another opportunity down the road. for example, i didn't go on safari when i was in africa, that was disappointing at the time, but i know i'll get another chance. a lot of the time – like the safari – i'm later glad that i didn't go for the whole shebang because it means i get do it the next time. let's not rush. instead, let's pace ourselves.

per dawna's request, here's a photo of the paintings i did for my kitchen wall. (it's hard to tell, but this photo was taking on an angle, that's why they're getting progressively smaller)


i know i'm not being punished, but it really feels that way.

and we could keep sitting around,
watching the paint flake off the walls.
waiting for answers,
that are never gonna come.

vis-à-vis

i'm a bit of a daydreamer. at least i used to be. in my free time (or even in the middle of work or meetings) i zone out and fantasize about life. not sex fantasies, just life fantasies. daydreams. however, over time i've done this a little less often. i've grown jagged. i've come to think that if it's something i can imagine than that makes it immediately unlikely to actually happen. which is disappointing, because i only daydream about stuff i really want to have happen. but i suppose it makes sense that they don't come true. just like the chances of my cat jumping up onto my bed right..... NOW... is unlikely, and the fact that i'm imagining it makes me all the more aware that it's not happening. however, she's jumped up onto the chair beside me instead. interesting. i feel like there's a lesson in that, but i can't formulate the analogy. i'd say in my life-time of daydreaming, my pipe dreams have come true 2, maybe 3, times. and only in very small ways.

i was told once that where your thoughts drift to in the quiet moments is what your heart desires. i find that amazingly true, and not something you can fake. it's something worth putting thought into.

i wish that my wishes would come true. what do you wish for?

there's lots of gray shades,
but that don't make black the same as white.

lock

sometimes you've just got to throw your hands up in the air, and shake'em like you just don't care.

i was kind of disappointed at the very limited response i got to my last entry. it was a genuine question that i hoped my married friends could help me with, and my unwed friends too! rach sent me a solid email and gen posted a comment. i did manage to come up with some answers, but honestly, if you think of anything, please email me! i'm still interested in your insight, we're all alive, so i'm sure you've been affected by this in one way or another. in the meantime, this is what i've come up with...

ok, i think since married men already have a confidant, then they shouldn't need my friendship. and it would make me wonder what they want from me, even on a non-physical level. i would feel used to:
a) boost their ego (that perhaps they can still get attention from single women);
b) give them the illusion of freedom (even if just for an afternoon or drink at the goat);
c) give them a feeling in control of their lives (that they can pick & choose who they're friends with and are not bound by invisible limitations);
or) perhaps it's a jealousy thing (that the single girl is friends with his wife and he feels competitive with her and wants to be friends with the girl too).
and so therefore, i feel confident and justified in my sticking to my gut feeling. i won't be used by any man – intentionally or not.

do you have any idea how beautiful you are right now?

i don't need no
friends like these.

watermelon

sometime i wonder if there are enough words. i wonder if i'll run out.

it occurred to me, that i've been living in the maxi pad for over 2 years. this is the longest i've lived anywhere in ten years :)

i have a question for you. a somewhat touchy subject that people don't often talk about, i guess it never really comes up. guy friends. i don't have any (except for david), and upon further contemplation i don't want any either, at least not any who are occupied. in reality i guess i do have guy friends, but they're guys i'm friends with because they're married to my friends. jase and paul are two examples of this. they're great guys with whom i've enjoy great conversation, i like them both a lot. this being said, i've never hung-out with them without rach or sarah, nor do i want to. if they called me up and were all like "hey les, wanna go to the goat with me for a cup of tea" i'd be weirded out and would come up with some excuse not to. for some reason it feels inappropriate to spend time alone with married man and i can't pin down a reason why. i know these men and trust them immensely, i know nothing questionable would happen as a result of a visit to the goat. i also trust myself, and yet i wouldn't want to hang-out with them in that fashion. can someone explain to me why that is? for some reason i feel things would be different if i was in relationship, i almost hope that is true because i really miss having guy friends. and i hope some day to have some again. it's really confusing and i've been racking my brain all day to come up with an explanation. i know it's possible to be platonic friends with a guy; frank and i are good friends, we've had many long talks and we've shared significant stories from our lives. but i suppose being friends at work is different to spending free time together. it's not a matter of me feeling uncomfortable because of social taboos, or being sensitive to wives or partners, i simply don't want to be close friends with attached men. i think it's different when you've been friends for a long time beforehand, but even then things change. what do you think?

often when i think i'm ready, i realize later that i wasn't ready at all.

i think she's fighting an internal struggle and it's coming out as a prudish exterior. i want to say to her "it's ok! those were just thoughts, thoughts you didn't entertain. you don't have to hide, no one's going to like you any less because of it".

i'm glad my subconscious is all my own. it's mine, i possess it, it doesn't possess me.

just one glimpse can change your life.

asylum

i've planted my sophomore garden. it's so fun and exciting! i'm so fortunate that i have the enclosed back porch, because i was able to do my gardening back there this morning since the weather outside was on the chilly side. there's dirt everywhere, and i haven't bothered to clean it up yet, it's nice having that luxury. i'm very pleased with how my garden looks. i've planted several pots of mixed flowers, some garden boxes of herbs (chives, cliantro, basil, dill, rosemary, mint, and parsley), and one big pot with a cherry-tomato plant. i just need to label them all with popsicle sticks and i'm done. yay! it looks great! although, some of the pots look a little bare, but i keep reminding myself that the plants will grow and fill the space up nicely.

i had such a great victoria day. melinda was over last night and we watched a couple movies on my new dvd player. she left at about 2 am, then i slept until about 10:30 when i got up to plant my garden. i putsied most of the day listening to the cbc. i read for a while, and made myself a casserole late afternoon.

i also finished my "around the world" painting series. completed the last one today, and i now have all 4 up in the kitchen, they look great too. i'm very pleased. this boosts my confidence with painting and i'm excited about doing more. i have a large canvas in my bathroom that's just been waiting to be worked on, i've got to hash out that idea a little more, but i think it's going to be a goldfish of some kind.

this evening i did some knitting and watch van helsing on the space network. it was my very last choice of viewing, but nothing else was on. it was ok, it got me thinking about this massive portion of movies i've been missing out on (guy movies) and i think i should watch some from time to time to be more well-rounded. i'm excited about having a dvd player, it means i can have friends over for movies and such.

ah, life is grand. i've been told before that i live a very charmed life. on days like this it definitely feels that way.

ring my bell.

arbitrary

i can't get over how much my cats like being outside on my balcony. even when it's raining they are pawing to get out. yesterday i was outside sanding my kitchen table in a hailstorm. the top needs to be re-finished. i have to admit, i felt pretty proud of myself. i'm a tough broad who not only uses power-tools, i own them too! those are my work-overalls, i wear them when i'm working on stuff. tomorrow, for example, i'll wear them while i plant my garden! (nice segue huh?) i'm very excited about my garden. i was trying to remember what inspired me to get into gardening, and i can't recall. but i suppose it's one of those things that i love it so much that it seems completely normal and an obvious thing to do.

i played Wii at the butler's place last night for the first time. it was pretty fun! paul and i played tennis, baseball, bowling, and i think something else but i can't remember. it would be fun to take up real tennis as a fun hobby. i need a tennis partner though. hm. anyone want to hit the ball around with me a little? usually i'm more interested in how many times i can get it over the net consecutively than an actual score. this should be noted before anyone signs up to play with me.

i wonder what it would be like to write a memoir. what does it take to make a good story, is it exciting content or interesting writing style. i got thinking about her, and how sad her life has been, and yet she doesn't seem despondent. i marvel at how she's overcome, and it reminds me of how good i've had it. i'm guilty of overlooking great blessings in my own life, not noticing their wonder, i've lost my sense of awe in many ways.

i'm beginning to wonder if i should purge my life a little. i don't need a lot of stuff to survive. at least i shouldn't. whenever i'm away (like i was in montreal or iqaluit), without any access to a computer my life feels so much less cluttered and it seems like i have more time. i don't know if that necessarily means i need to get rid of everything i have, it just means i need to be a better steward with it, and not buy more stuff if i don't need to. i bought some earrings yesterday that i could've done without, and i kind of wish i didn't buy them. hmph, oh well, may this be a lesson to me. may it be the last.

these hands like strangers in the wind,
these eyes float in the breeze.

gung-ho

i've concluded that i'm quite a literal person. if something is supposed to start at a certain time, i expect it to. before my first visit to next, someone told me that it never starts on time. i take that literary, and am, therefore, never on time. man, i can't think of any examples other than time related ones, but i'm sure i'm quite literal. more than many at least.

do you ever wonder about yourself in 10 years? lately i've been wondering what hobbies i'll be into, or new things i'll take a liking to. i wonder if i'll take up jogging, or find the courage to help homeless people. it's all so very interesting. this game of life.

i live in fear of becoming extremely self-centred. i've heard many times that excessive time alone makes a person selfish. i've been trying to combat that concept, at times i fail miserably, other times i put others first then later reward myself with something just for me. i find it hard to get it right. in so many ways, there's no one else looking out for me. i have to watch my own back, and it's a matter of survival. as morbid as it seems, at the end of the day, i think everybody dies by himself, so we've all just got to look out for ourselves. i hate that because it feels like that completely contradicts my faith. but even so, i think we're all individuals living in community. we can share in other peoples joys and woes, but ultimately they're all our own. i dunno, it's kind of messed-up in my head, i'm still just trying to figure it all out. i'm just scared i'm going to let people down until i've got my crap together. i'm sorry if i do. i'm just one girl, trying her best to juggle it all.

do you ever wish you could read someone else's diary? hm, i guess that's kind of what you're doing when you read pspd. hm. well anyways, i'm reading blue like jazz (i think i mentioned that before but i can't remember). i really like how he just talks about his life. random things, personal things, real things. sometimes when i'm reading it (and giggling about something he wrote) i think i could read books like this all the time! like someone else's diary!

do you ever think being a guy would be so much easier?

was it more than attraction and a physical lust?

conundrum

we had the hatch folding party tonight. i really like hanging out with that crew of people. they're good people. they're fun. this issue looks awesome because it got professionally printed. snazzy.

when i was in montreal i seriously considered getting a caricature done. i've never got one done before and i thought it would be fun. i was on the verge, and then i realized that it would get seriously damaged on the trip home, so there was no point. i had no place to put it. this got me wondering tho... what feature would a caricaturist choose to emphasize? after MUCH thought (i'm seriously mean several days), i concluded my cheek bones and maybe my chin. when i was a pre-teen i was obsessed with brian mulroney, because we both had big chins. to this day, at the mention of mr. mulroney, my mom'll say "oh les... it's your friend!" i even made a hand-puppet of him.

i had my sister over last night. it was great. i'd never had her over before as a friend. i'm really glad i did. i was struck by how alike we are, i'm usually too distracted by our differences to notice. it shouldn't surprise me really, we're cut from the same cloth. she's left and i'm right. she brought mister liam with her. i got to hold him for a long time while he slept. at one point i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as i held him, i'm always surprised by how young and small i look when holding a baby. i liked it when he'd breath on my neck while he lay on my chest. he's very sweet.

you could be handing love to me,
but i was far away.

bondage

i just want to say that bad things happen to good people.

and that i'm very sorry.

yes, no, maybe is all i need to hear from you.

tetris

"Do you ever feel like all that you offer people and all that they see and taste of you, all that they think you are is really only a pretty disguise for what lies hidden underneath? That everyone thinks you are so much better than you really are? I do."

rachel erb, may 2008

i was thinking about something very similar to this earlier today. then i read rachel's entry and was pleasantly surprised and kind of relieved to discover someone else thinks the same way.

i once knew a man who could lite a match with one hand. i thought he was so cool. he oozed cool. i wonder about the people i think are cool, i'm sure they'd most likely disagree with me. i wonder who'd be more right – me or them. i wonder if perhaps who we are is equally defined by the perceptions of those around us, instead of by ourselves alone. sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees.

i think there's a difference between being "hot" and being "sexy". if i had it my way, i'd much prefer to be considered sexy. same goes for my taste in men. being sexy is like being cool, it's generally concealed from the person in question.

i was told today that up to 100 people die annually from incidents involving their crocks getting caught in escalators.

this morning i got in my car to discover i'd left my lights on all night and my battery was dead. it sucked. thankfully my good friend melissa lent me her car to get to and from work. i'd never boosted a car battery by myself before. it was kind of cumbersome. i had to open my car hood, then her car hood, then i had to turn on her engine, then my engine, then i had to unhook everything and put down each hood. kind of cumbersome, but i managed. i drove my batmobile around for a while to charge up the battery before i drove melissa's car back to her place. i'm hoping it was enough to get me started tomorrow. it was kind of nice strolling down to bagot street in the morning – aside from the crappy circumstances.

make me a believer,
the seas will part somehow.

bonaventure

j'aime montréal!

i'm home and had a totally awesome time!! i totally love montreal! now i understand why everyone goes on about how great it is, and i no longer have to feel resentful about being out of the loop! i love montreal and i think it loves me too! i ended up staying one extra night because by a crazy fluke chance i discovered that one of my favourite bands was performing saturday night at the time to laugh comedy club and i KNEW that was my only chance to see them so i HAD to take advantage of it or else live the rest of my life regretting it.

i was a busy girl, and crammed a lot into 6 days & 5 nights.

things i did in montréal:
tuesday: arrived, got settled in hotel, walked up rue sainte-catherine, rode the metro just for fun.
wednesday: went to work, visited holocaust museum, toured museum of contemporary art, had fancy dinner on rue crescent.
thursday: went to work, attended cuban exhibition at museum of fine art, walked around old montreal.
friday: worked half-day, took AMT train down to central station, strolled streets of old montreal (saw habitat 67, city hall), hung out in place jacques-cartier, knitted in park, checked into hostel, took city bus up mount royal, had dinner with michel in the plateau.
saturday: slept in, saw permanent exhibition at museum of fine art, walked to rue saint-laurent, took a trip to the biodome, went up olympic stadium, attended cut copy concert(!!).

things i ate in montréal:
• cafeteria food at the huge bbd aerospace plant
• salmon at an italian restuarant
• a cajun chicken montreal bagel (sandwich)
• heart of palm
• roasted quail
• biscotti
• other things unworthy of mention

things i thought about in montréal:
• that i'm kind of glad that i waited until 28 for my first trip to montreal. the timing was perfect and so was the opportunity.
• that i felt like i was really living. it wasn't just montreal, it was that i was doing something different, branching out and expanding. i lived so many years with my life on pause, i feel like i'm actually living after spending all my life in still mode.
• forbidden fruit.
• whether i looked like a local or like an obvious tourist (when i wore my knapsack it was much more apparent).
• there isn't time to go into everything. perhaps a few things will come out in the coming days, other things will be left for one-on-one conversations.

you can see all 50 of my photos by clicking right here.

i wish i had some decent food preprepared in my kitchen. i'm feeling a need to raid a refrigerator.

with hearts on fire i reach out to you tonight.

acorn

andrew and shannon hosted a cinco de mayo party in skeleton party this evening. it was really fun! we had mexican food and a boom box blaring salsa music. set up across the park was a guy doing some slacklining, and welcomed us all to try it out. i'm so proud of all of us for being so brave and making it across! my favourite part of the party was the piñata – i loved that we were a group of 20 & 30 somethings taking turns wacking a dinosaur piñata while blind-folded. it was so awesome!!

i leave for montreal after work tomorrow. i'm very excited. i'll be gone for 5 days and get home saturday evening. i'll spend 3 nights at the fairmont queen elizabeth hotel – which i think is the most fancy hotel in the city, and most likely the most expensive hotel i'll stay at in my LIFE! i'll check-out from there on friday and walk down the street to check-in at a hostel where i'll sleep on a bunk-bed in a dormitory. haha. i LOVE that. i'm so stoked. my friend michel (my co-worker in montreal) has offered to give me suggestions on things to do, but first asked me what kind of things i like. i told him i like art and that i want to go up the mountain. if i can think of anything else then i'm suppose to let him know. do any of YOU have suggestions that i can ask michel about??? please comment them to me asap :) this is my very first time to montreal (if you don't count the time melinda and i got lost driving thru to p.e.i. at 2 am last summer).

well my house is a mess and i haven't packed yet. i had a friend in crisis after the cinco de mayo party, and only just arrived home again. so i'd better get cracking, i'd like to be in bed at a good time. i don't want to be sleepy on my business trip. i'm going to get trained on how to make updates and changes to the new bbd website that's being launched in a couple weeks.

i also enjoyed when matt smashed open a coconut with the hammer i brought to the party :)

i read this excerpt in my book this afternoon and it made me go "hmmm". i thought it was a great synopsis, faith does not equal blind faith. faith does not mean having no questions, nor do questions equal serious doubt. questions lead to more understanding. "as often as i feel certain that God exists, i feel as often at a loss to say what difference it makes – that he exists, – or even: that to believe in God, in which i do, raises more questions than it presents answers. thus, when i am feeling my most faithful, i also feel full of a few hard questions that i would like to put to God – i mean, critical questions of the how-can-he, how-could-he, how-dare-you variety."

the pleasure part,
the afterthought,
the missing stone in the graveyard.

intimacy

it times i've wondered, and been questioned by others, about whether i would've been religious if i didn't come from a religious family. would i have bothered to "find God" as an adult. i think this is a good question, and something important for me to reflect upon. many times i've thought about the fact that yes, i did grow up in a religious family, so christianity was pretty much given to me, but even though i made the decision as a child to follow jesus, i make the same decision every day as an adult. i feel sure that yes i would still be a religious adult even if i'd grown up in a non-religious home. i've faced many obstacles in my life, endured many storms and found the rock is slippery when wet. i can understand those around me who've stopped trying, and those who taken hold of something different all together. sometimes i find myself wondering why i hold on, especially when it seems so many have jumped ship. but i have to be true to myself, and in spite the fact that it's not fashionable these days to claim christ as my saviour, i do and my spirit is awakened by him. unfortunately, this does not answer all the other major questions of the philosopher's mind. why am i here? is there a point to any of this? why is there suffering? am i on the right track or have i somehow screwed everything up? these are difficult things for me to live with and not know the answers to.

last night i went square dancing on wolfe island with a bunch of girls. it was fun, i haven't square danced since camp when i was 12 or 13. although, i didn't particularly like holding hands with strangers; some peoples hands were clammy and other people's hands were scruffy. my allergies have been dreadful and my nose keeps running so i felt bad about wiping my nose then swinging my partner. being over on the island always gets me excited about my plans to move there. it won't be for a couple more years – i'm not ready to leave the max pad yet – but the island just has such a different atmosphere, and i'm thrilled about living someplace different. it's cool that it won't involve me up heaving my whole life. it's gonna be awesome :)

i've got to tell you, i HATE it when good books are made into mediocre movies. they just shouldn't bother if they're going to do such a terrible job of converting it onto a film. it turns out that simon birch was based on a prayer for owen meany. although it said at the beginning "suggested by...." instead of "based on". i guess john irving felt it was a poor representation of his book so he refused to let them use the character names or title. good for him. you know what i love about books? that they're weird, complex, and don't always have happy endings. i'm growing tired of predictable movies that always involve the lousy baseball game winning the series, or romantic comedy's that you can pick out from the beginning who's going to fall in love, but obviously only after some ridiculous misunderstanding. or the bad guy to has a change of heart and turns into a real softy. i'm getting so tired of these films, they're such a bad representation of real life. i suppose there are some people out there who need these pick-me-ups, who want a escape from real-life, but i just need something a little less predictable than that.

we're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year.

standard

what most makes me realize that i'm an adult is when experiences make full circle. i know how to brace myself because i've been thru it before, or something like it. there's a lot of talk about recession going around. well... not in my social circles or anything, but on the cbc with daily occurrence. at this point, i understand what that entails. when i hear of layoffs in the hundreds, i know what that's like. we are fortunate enough that it'll pass, we've just got to sit tight until it does.

i've thought a lot about the temporary. every time i hit a rough patch i remind myself that "this too shall pass" and it always does. unfortunately that works the other way around too. i have little faith in permanency. i both fear and crave it. i think it must be somehow related to being a child of divorce. although, i'm hesitant to "blame" my "broken home", it's a reality and something that has enviably moulded me and my outlook. but i digress... nowadays, i take solace in the fact that things are changing, have changed and will change. i suggest you take note of that and make the most of what you've got. because even rainy days have their redeeming qualities.

baby slow down,
the end is not as fun as the start.