i'm just going to come out and say something that is probably really unpopular. but having a boyfriend or having children is not the purpose of one's life.
i'm saddened to discover that one of my friends has become yet another relationship causality. that her life, interests and friends are all now dead to her because she has a boyfriend. i'm not sure where this mentality comes from, but it's far too rampant in our society. people seem to believe that they spend their lives searching for "the one", and all their activities up until that point keep them occupied until that happens. however, in reality, having a partner is PART of our life journeys, but not the purpose for it. i wish we could all shake off this misconception, because it's horribly unhealthy. it puts way too much pressure on the spouse to make that person's life fulfilled.
marriage, relationships, and children are good, healthy and valuable. the problem is when they become the centre of people's existence. the alarm bell should go off when you look around and realize "if this person died today, i would have nothing". and i really mean nothing. that you have no friends, and no interests outside that person. i've been there. when my boyfriend left me back in 2004, i had nothing. nothing at all. thankfully i DID have the bare remnants of a friendship with melinda who willingly admitted me back into her life instead of holding a grudge against me (which would've been justified). i understand what it's like to love your partner more than life itself. i can imagine what it's like to love your child completely sacrificially. this is not the same thing as a relationship causality. we all need to maintain our identities outside those roles. people are not defined by being a wife or mother. those are elements of identities, but they are not the sum of all the parts.
do something just for you. have activities and experiences outside of that box. i can guarantee that you'll enjoy it, and it will probably improve that relationship. sometimes people think "if only i could spend more time with so-and-so, things will be ok" when really, we all just need some space to breathe.
p.s. this was not directed at anyone of you. my anonymous friend has never read pspd.
i feel like i'm watching you drown and it's killing me.
another one bites the dust.
8 comments:
so this is a bad time to tell you i have been planning to stay friends with you only until i hook up? ;) hahaha
oh ps, i got a kilo of CHERRIES in foodmail today!!! wooHOOOOOOO! this friday afternoon, after school, is all about the bowl of cherries.
I understand what you are saying, yet I do think its normal at the beginning of a relationship or at the birth of a new child to be totally focused on the new "love". But as you pointed out, to stay that way and abandon all other outside interests and friends is not good for anyone involved.
I remember being a new mom, I was single and none of my friends had kids so they didn't understand why I rather stay home with my baby than go out and have fun with them. They stopped calling but eventually I was ready and started hanging out with them more. Now my "baby" is a teen and he's the one that is never home.
i struggle with this, but for me, it has more to do with shutting out god than with shutting out friends and family...
i know why it's happening but am having trouble with the getting myself in gear to do what i need to do to correct the situation.
why oh why do i question that he really does know best?
well beck, i'll have you know that you can't ditch me quite so easily.
sounds to me that friday EVENING was about something other that cherries :p
barbara, i don't know if we've met before. have we? i was raised by a single parent, and felt horribly guilty for moving on with my life in my early twenties and leaving my mom behind. an empty nest is so much harder on single parents when they don't have a life of their own.
i know what you mean dawna. i find the more time i spend with God the more time i want to spend with him. but it works the other way too, the less time i spend with Him the less time i want to spend with him. it's hard getting back in gear. it makes more effort than i'd like it to.
I checked my official friend contract and it appears that there is a clause for new boyfriends that allows three months of being lost in the "bermuda triangle of lust" before I start to get pissed!!!!!
After that, I send out the search party!
that sounds like a good rule gen. i hope for some leniency whenever i meet someone.
my friend has been dating her boyfriend for a year & a half, and over that course of time she's cut ties with everyone, including family.
*sigh* it makes me sad. i think it's those gradual ones that make me most sad.
what are you doing in london??
i think motherhood, and being involved in a healthy loving spousal relationship is beautiful and such a gift. but I totally agree with you... there are alot of other things that can define womanhood and and give us meaningingul lives. I admire women who know what they want and value,and invest themselves into whatever that may be. whether that be motherhood, or whether that be sitting in tall grass and playing with toes. If the passions there and we've found a sense of "completeness", than YAY!!! :)
p.s. ive decided to blog reply.
because i miss you.
-shan
i'm so glad you commented! that was very eloquently worded.
i was talking to you today with my friend beckie. we were talking about sex, and i told her about how you're a women's studies and sexuality major. she seemed to find it quite fascinating. you're a very interesting girl ;)
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