watermelon

sometime i wonder if there are enough words. i wonder if i'll run out.

it occurred to me, that i've been living in the maxi pad for over 2 years. this is the longest i've lived anywhere in ten years :)

i have a question for you. a somewhat touchy subject that people don't often talk about, i guess it never really comes up. guy friends. i don't have any (except for david), and upon further contemplation i don't want any either, at least not any who are occupied. in reality i guess i do have guy friends, but they're guys i'm friends with because they're married to my friends. jase and paul are two examples of this. they're great guys with whom i've enjoy great conversation, i like them both a lot. this being said, i've never hung-out with them without rach or sarah, nor do i want to. if they called me up and were all like "hey les, wanna go to the goat with me for a cup of tea" i'd be weirded out and would come up with some excuse not to. for some reason it feels inappropriate to spend time alone with married man and i can't pin down a reason why. i know these men and trust them immensely, i know nothing questionable would happen as a result of a visit to the goat. i also trust myself, and yet i wouldn't want to hang-out with them in that fashion. can someone explain to me why that is? for some reason i feel things would be different if i was in relationship, i almost hope that is true because i really miss having guy friends. and i hope some day to have some again. it's really confusing and i've been racking my brain all day to come up with an explanation. i know it's possible to be platonic friends with a guy; frank and i are good friends, we've had many long talks and we've shared significant stories from our lives. but i suppose being friends at work is different to spending free time together. it's not a matter of me feeling uncomfortable because of social taboos, or being sensitive to wives or partners, i simply don't want to be close friends with attached men. i think it's different when you've been friends for a long time beforehand, but even then things change. what do you think?

often when i think i'm ready, i realize later that i wasn't ready at all.

i think she's fighting an internal struggle and it's coming out as a prudish exterior. i want to say to her "it's ok! those were just thoughts, thoughts you didn't entertain. you don't have to hide, no one's going to like you any less because of it".

i'm glad my subconscious is all my own. it's mine, i possess it, it doesn't possess me.

just one glimpse can change your life.