rose: we went to the open house bbq at éamon's school tonight. i was excited for brendan to see eamon's classroom and meet his teacher. i've been in his room briefly, so i was happy to take a closer look, and to chat with his teacher. we had a good time, and am glad to see éamon hitting it off with a boy who we met at the park a few weeks ago, and i'm acquainted with the parents because of that. all this to say, that i'm really grateful. i don't leave there feeling like it's anything other than a normal school, and considering we heard terrible things about it before he started, that pretty significant. every parent i've met there, only has positive things to say about it. it seems to me that the negative stories get circulated widely and without any context. it makes it seem like only terrible things happen there, when really, there's lots of good things too.

thorn: my right contact lens gave me grief for most of the day. for large chunks of time, i had to keep my eye closed completely. steve kept laughing at me. i'm sure it was hard to take me seriously. my contacts give me trouble on only the rarest of occasions, but when they do, it's impossible to operate normally.

rose: since éamon started school 3.5 weeks ago, my world within kingscourt has grown. i've been getting to know other moms and families. i recognize people i didn't notice before. i've discovered that there is a boy éamon's age who just lives up our street. i really love it. we've lived here for 2 years, and i have struggled to get acquainted with people. and suddenly i feel like i've gotten to know more people this month than i have in those 2 years.

thorn: i don't like sweating. i don't like feeling slimy or gritty or gross.

rose: i've been reading a book that rachel recommended called "annabel". it's about an intersex person in labrador in the 1970s. it's really nicely written. it's got me thinking a lot about gender. and how they say that gender is a social construct. i definitely feel that gender roles are a social construct. but if gender itself was a social construct, then wouldn't everyone raised as a boy, feel like a boy? or vice versa? i think that sex and gender are more complicated than that. which is why trans-gendered people are becoming much more common and part of our social fabric. anyway, it's great having a good book to read. i'm thankful.

thorn: well, we've been turned down for childcare subsidy from the city. which is annoying and frustrating, because it was based on my income for the entire year, which includes 8 months of EI – that i'm no longer receiving. we should manage fine without it, it just would've been nice to have that extra help. i'll just need to adjust my thinking when it comes to money. i'm used to having money for trips and renovations. i still prioritize taking trips, so we'll probably need to live without renos for a few years. i guess these are the types of sacrifices and penny-pinching that will be worth it to have more time with my kids.

my rose today was the complete day. this has just been a great day. just completely idyllic and i'm very thankful. mondays are my days at home with just otis. i did some housework, he just played contently. then i put him down for a nap with no fuss. and while he napped, i read, then had a nap myself. brendan came home for lunch, we had a nice visit. i fed otis some lunch, then we headed to the school to get the kids. we played there nicely, then walked home without drama. had a good snack, played outdoors. after the extra kids left, we had some dinner, and i gave the fellas a bath. otis went to bed at 7:30 without much effort (this is extremely new. he used to be super easy to put to bed, then he got hard to put to bed, and now we're turning a corner, and he's easy again). i've been mostly reading since then. all in all, it's been a really nice day.

no thorn!

rose: last night, brendan played a show at the embassy. usually when he plays a show, we have a big fight later because i end up struggling to put the fellas to bed on my own, and then feel resentful that i don't get to go out. but the thing is that i don't usually want to go out, it's more that i just want some time to myself at home. so thankfully, things went all right last night, but b wanted to give me some time today, so i got to have the evening to myself, instead of parenting until 10 pm, then getting ready for bed. it was nice.

yesterday, i got a small trampoline off kijiji, and went to get it on my own with the fellas. i felt so good about getting it all nicely fastened to the roof of our car. it feels really awesome to be competent.

thorn: brendan's a simple living guy, and most people say he's difficult to buy for. but for the 7 birthdays that we've been together, i have come up with creative gifts for him. but this year it seems that i've run out of ideas. it's annoying, because i even googled "gifts for minimalist men", but the kind of stuff they came up with was definitely not something brendan would use. he is far more minimalistic than their suggestions. i had an idea that didn't pan out, so i've come up with something else, but i'll have to make it myself. and it's the kind of thing i would usually require his help for.

rose: since kindergarten is voluntary, i'm only sending eamon to school monday through thursday. so i really enjoyed my day with him and otis around town and at home. i took them to artillery park, but it was closed for maintenance. thankfully i had the car, and hadn't ventured down there on the bus for no reason.

thorn: i get discouraged easily, and it doesn't take much to make me second guess myself. thankfully, i also get encouraged easily. but the discouraged part is hard.

rose: i really enjoyed my day working at next today. i got a lot more done without my usual sidekick with me, and i felt more at peace about otis at daycare.

challenge: today was the first time i had to manage conflict among my three afterschool kids (which includes eamon). emotions were running high, and small things were being felt in big ways. thankfully, after insisting that everyone have their own space, things settled down. it's a learning curve for everyone, and i appreciated that i didn't feel ill-equiped to help them navigate their relationship building. i think that being at next for most of the day, and getting some downtime with otis while waiting for school to be out, helped energize me, and i felt like my tank was full. unfortunately, by dinner time, that tank was empty. but it was full when i needed it most.

well... it was quite an emotionally taxing day. otis's first day at daycare, my first day at next, eamon's first evening at AWANA.

the thorn was that daycare was as difficult as we expected, but the rose was that it was not worse than we expected. plus, he didn't cry all day (he stopped when they were outside), and lisa (his caregiver) was not troubled by him. she was very reassuring that he will do better and better each day. so i'm very thankful. she seems like a good fit.

rose: well, i got otis all signed up for daycare today. he starts tomorrow. we've also submitted an application for a childcare subsidy, which would save us about 40% of the cost. which would be fantastic. we also had a really nice dinner celebrating otis' first birthday with b's side of the family. i really love how otis' personality is coming out, and he's getting so fun and interesting.

thorn: all this time, since deciding not to return to bbd, i've had it in my mind that i'm not leaving him to return to work. maybe it's because working at next doesn't feel like work, but is rather a labour of love. or maybe because it's only 15 hours a week, rather than 40 hours (plus commute). or maybe because i'm used to daycare at this point, with eamon, that it didn't seem like a big deal. but now that i have a little bag for him packed, and (especially) now that the plan is that brendan will drop him off (leaving at 7:30), it suddenly feels like a separation. and i could spend loads of time thinking about this, and getting upset about how we will never spend this much time together again. but i don't want to delve into that, especially since this new routine will soon become our new normal, and we'll all feel ok about it. i feel like i've done a good job coming up with a scenario that meets my desire for non-parenting work that uses my skills, that also allows me plenty of time with my kids. i have felt dread and concern for otis, who is particularly attached to his momma. it's my hope that it won't go as badly as it could (worst case scenario... he will scream and cry for two weeks or more). i'm also worried because i really want his caregiver to like and enjoy him. but i suppose, even if he does cry a lot at first, i know she will eventually. i've noticed, having started eamon at two daycares, that the staff are polite and welcoming from the get-go, but not ever as loving at the beginning as they are later once they get acquainted – once a relationship is formed. i've felt a little sad all day, knowing that his little world is going to be disrupted tomorrow, and he doesn't know it yet :(

rose: napping mid-afternoon.

thorn: otis crying in the nursery at next (this does not bode well for daycare this week).

rose: after many, many dead-ends, we have eventually found a home daycare for otis. it's close to next, and handy to b's work too (brendan will drop him off, and i'll pick him up) i am so thankful. the woman is quiet and seems kind of shy (it's not surprising that she works with babies in her home), and i've been told that the parents of the other kids she cares for just love her. i suspect that she's quite gifted with children. the childcare space reminds of a wes anderson film. there's something about the dated aesthetic that makes me think she's a person of substance – rather than too much emphasize on appearances. i'm grateful that i don't feel anxious about going to work and leaving him with someone else. i'm hoping though that he will adjust quickly and not give her a hard time.

thorn: we don't use the deep freeze that came with out house. so i decided to sell it on kijiji. we mostly just keep our laundry detergent on it, and today i found the perfect self unit at value village to keep all that stuff on instead. so i listed it, and people were interested right away. someone asked me to plug it in and confirm that it works, and i did. but it doesn't seem to be getting very cold, which is super disappointing. i just want it out of here.

i've been feeling a little lost today. it's funny, because i usually have tuesdays at home with just otis. so you wouldn't think this day would be out of the ordinary. but i definitely feel different. i can't remember what i usually do on tuesdays. how i spend my time. what's my regular routine, do i have a regular routine? we (otis and me) dropped eamon of at MBES this morning. and i feel a little bit in limbo, waiting to pick him up in 2.5 hours. he did really well. he seemed to understand everything fully, and didn't whine or cling when it was time to go inside without me. i chalk this up partly to curiosity, and partly school-readiness, and his experience at daycare.

i keep thinking of the movie forrest gump. when he sits and waits on a tree stump all day for his son to return from his first day of kindergarten. that's what my heart is doing today.

rose: i almost constantly feel surrounded by clutter. it's slightly self-inflicted because i don't like having empty space either, but i haven't been able to find that balance between having stuff and feeling overwhelmed by stuff everywhere. i'm also still getting used to having our basement, which basically doubled our living space. so i woke up this morning inspired to move stuff downstairs, and from there, i came up with a creative way to deal with brendan's computer cords (that are always cluttering up the counter), after that, it pretty much became a day of nesting. it was partly the fact that it was a holiday (brendan was around to help with the kids), and that b and i have done some significant reorganizing on labour day before. but i think it was also (and perhaps greater than i realize) part of me getting ready for eamon to start school tomorrow. i wanted to feel organized, and in a head space where i felt prepared for anything. and thankfully i do feel prepared. i don't love the thought of preparing lunches for him every day (#daycarespoiledme), but his first lunch is actually pretty good and wasn't hard to pull together. and, even among all the nesting, we found time to walk down to the m-centre to go swimming at the waterpark.

thorn: i've been school-free since 2001. and i've loved it. i have never once looked back, and always, every year been grateful that my routine is not changing simply because it's september, and therefore back to school time. this is probably the biggest thing that makes me different to shannon :p so i am not thrilled that i'm going to be locked into the school calendar from here on in, until i'm... 58 years old. wow. that feels really weird and seems totally wrong. my youngest kid will graduate highschool when i'm 58. nancy is 59 and she has grandchildren! anyway, i feel like i'm losing a bit of my freedom.

rose: this morning a lost a rent cheque that i was going to deposit. i assumed it fell out of my pocket while we walked to the bus stop. later this afternoon i interviewed a potential nanny for otis. she's a woman who lives up the street from me that i found on KIJIJI! then around dinner time, she called to tell me that she found a cheque on her front lawn with my name on it!!!

thorn: when i thought i'd lost the cheque. i get so frustrated with myself because i lose stuff or forget stuff or break stuff or am under prepared. it was nice that that particular mistake was corrected without much of a fuss.