prolific

*deep sigh*

here we are. at the end of yet another year. and what a year it was. i don't know about you, but this year stretched me, molded me, challenged me, grew me. and i loved it. i had my fair share of tears and frustration. but i had more laughs and contentment. i decided early in the year to play life like a game of pick-up sticks instead of a game of dominoes. to stop waiting for everything to line up perfectly, and instead to just run with it. i would have to say, i've felt more alive this year than i ever have before.

• in JANUARY, i joined the bored at next (which has been surprisingly enjoyable and challenging. it's been cool because i learned things about myself and life i wouldn't have otherwise).
• in FEBRUARY, i got my ipod. i also had the pleasure of being present at my lovely nephew's birth.
• in MARCH, i donated blood for the very first time with a & s. i went to my first sunrise easter service (i'd never seen the sunrise before). i got stranded in the arctic for two days on my way to visit beckie on two weeks vacation on baffin island.
• in APRIL, i got stranded three days in the arctic on my way home from visiting beckie (and did a lot of cool things up north). i took a stain-glass class. mayelin got a new job so i was left with no friends at work. i went to melody's wedding. got my first manicure.
• in MAY, i went to montreal for the first time. i planted my sophomore garden. got a dvd player. went square dancing for the first time (since i was a kid).
• in JUNE, i got a new computer at work. i bought my first bikini. went strawberry picking and did some tie-dying for the first time. and i got my new car (the mojomobile). i also went to parrot bay conservation area for the first time. took shannon to skeleton park music festival and shared a box of donuts.
• in JULY, i got four more dental cavities filled. i started using my diva cup. went camping with the girls. got a new lady doctor and gave up caffeine.
• in AUGUST, i took a week's vacation to chill at home. went to beck's cottage. got a carpooler. learned to crochet. i fasted for the first time and have done repeatedly since then (sidenote: it was a great experience, one i suggest). enjoyed wolfe island music fest with beck & shan.
• in SEPTEMBER, i started going to the stitchn'bitch group at made4you with tracy. went biking on wolfe island with shan, we also went to the demonilion derby and go-karting. i played golf for the very first time.
• in OCTOBER, i went to cirque du soleil. went to TO for a indesign seminar and stayed with david, took the GO for the first time and went up the CN tower with kate. dueled a corn maze with andrew, shannon and chelsea. took a hike at frontenac park with carpooler paul.
• in NOVEMBER, i had my first pedicure. i got a tattoo. went to a casino for the first time. rejoined the YMCA. i sat naked in a sauna for the first (of many) times. started taking a yoga class. played squash with bren.
• in DECEMBER, i got an awesome new drafting stool for my cube. we put together the super-secret special edition of hatch for bren's 40th. paper mached a lovely fish.

i did and experienced many more things not mentioned above (and sometimes not on pspd at all). i've cultivated good friendships. while having to let others go into sleep mode. i've learned about patience and resilience, forgiveness and acceptance. i've discovered things about myself – both good and not so good. i've taken bold steps forward, and probably some backwards too. i've been surprised at ever turn, and enjoyed the mystery of it all.

i love my new year's eve entries. they are my favourite of the year. i feel hopeful and encouraged, and have you all (and many others) to thank for making this year (and the next one) great. i hope you experience satisfaction on your end of things as well [u]

when you look at me do you see someone with a future?

fennel

i love my girl-friends. i love sitting around the table talking about food, life, men, sex, and books with two of my top four. three "strong on the outside, soft on the inside" girls sharing laughs and enjoying the pleasure of good conversation.

this evening melissa, beck and i, along with a few of melissa's friends from ultimate frisbee went to see the curious case of benjamin button. i loved it, and it's been a while since i saw a movie i really loved. beck shed many a tear, requiring three kleenex's to dry her eyes.

i can feel it boiling in my chest.
i will not be afraid.
i will not be afraid.
i will not be afraid.

you don't know it, but some day.
some day, my friend.
oh how i wish i could tell you!
but i know what you're like,
so i'll keep it to myself as not to freak you out.

i have three days left of my vacation. of which 1.5 are stat holidays which will be an inconvience. i want to relax but i also want to make the most of those days. i kind of want to go start putting a second coat on my paper mache fish right now (which looks GREAT! by the way). but i'll probably get ready for bed so i can get up early to do it.

i'm on my knees looking for the answer.

rambo

well. my paper macheing is coming along VERY nicely. i talked to garry yesterday and he gave me some good tips. i'm very pleased with it's progress. it's drying nicely. i look forward to applying another coat of paper-strips tomorrow.

as beckie and i sat in the goat today she told me very firmly that she does NOT believe that i'm introverted. she made a few good points, and perhaps i'm not as introverted as i thought i was. so i did an online myers-briggs test and this was the results: ENFJ (extrovert 33, intuitive 25, feeling 62, judging 56) which means.... i am: moderately expressed extrovert, moderately expressed intuitive personality, distinctively expressed feeling personality, moderately expressed judging personality. so that's interesting. my favourite question was "you find it difficult to speak loudly: yes or no" – this was extra funny after spending the evening with beck who chronically tells me that i'm talking too loud.

it's great having beck staying with me again. i love grilling her with questions at the goat, ordering tata's pizza and chilling out around the pad. i suppose that statement alone is another spotlight on my nature as a closeted extrovert. i have a sneaking suspicion that i live alone not because i need alone time but because i feel a strong desire to not be controled by external forces. honestly, i'm still shaking off a child's lifetime of being bossed around by a very dominent personality.

i'm certain being in the sauna at the Y today helped my cold. i suggest it.

God gives us hope
but we still fear.

periodically

beckie has strep throat so she stayed at her parents place for the day. hopefully she'll make it down tomorrow. we'd planned to go snowboarding today, but besides the fact that she's sick, all the snow has melted. that was disappointing. i've never been snowboarding before, and it was going to be my thing-i've-never-done-before for december. now i haven't accomplished anything for this month, which is extra disappointing since that means my year of doing things i've never done before will go out with a fizzle instead of a bang.

it was so blustery this afternoon that i decided to fly my kite. at first it seemed like a good idea, but it turns out it wasn't. it was TOO blustery and i think it busted my beloved pirate ship kite. i'm procrastinating inspecting it because i don't want to know for sure if it's no longer sky worthy. after this i concluded that i have rotten kite-flying luck. it's always either too windy, or not windy enough. only once (maybe twice) out of a half-dozen attempts have i been able to launch my kite and keep it flying.

sneak into my empty bed
and educate me.

philanthropy

let me tell you a story about a little tea cozy.....
after ripping out joy's tea cozy 3 times, i finished it and it looked AWESOME. i was VERY happy with it. UNFORTUNATELY, it didn't felt properly. everything except the green felted. THANKFULLY even though it didn't felt, it did strink so it looks ok. REGARDLESS, it broke my heart. i was SO SO SO upset with myself for not doing it correctly. it looks beautiful, but it could have and was SUPPOSED to look WAY better. i moped and mourned my latest creation, knowing that once i accepted the disappointment that it would be ok. however, MOST IMPORTANTLY... joy LOVED it. and said most sincerely that she didn't care that the green didn't felt, she said it just added more texture. by the time i went home i was coming to terms with the disappointment, but it'll always be a sore spot in my knitting heart.

i'd also like to take this opportunity to introduce those in the blogosphere to the lovely melissa tebrake's new blog: s.i.m.p.l.i.c.i.t.y. add her to your bloglines, google readers, bookmarks, whatever. let's make her feel welcome. that teabag... she's FANTASTIC!

when you're sick, do you ever feel hungry and not at the same time? it's this darn cold. yuck. i'm so congested that i feel top-heavy.

move across the night like a separate wind.

hurling

i had a marvelous time with my family over christmas. they all came to next as i mentioned, then we went back to joy's place. we had some treats and played some card games with the kids. it was fun! i didn't realize they were old enough for card games. after they were tucked in, we grown-ups played scattergories. that was a real hit with everyone, which made me really happy. we played 6 rounds and laughed a lot, we'll definitely play it again.

i woke up quite early yesterday morning because i was excited about the day ahead. we began "the present opening ceremony" around 9:30 and it wrapped up around 11:30 – gifts are a big deal in our family, mostly because we enjoy unwrapping. so we each give one main gift and 2 small dollar gifts. for my main gifts i got a hoover hand-vac, pajamas, the newest death cab for cutie cd, a parmesan cheese grater. my auntie carol sent me money like last year (i bought my ipod with that money last year), so this year i bought a pair of lululemon yoga pants. they're quite expensive and not something i would normally permit myself to spend money on, but since it was a gift i wanted to buy something special. they are INSANELY comfortable. like butter. they're too long tho, but if i take them back in another day i can get them hemmed for free. it was just too busy in there today, so they asked me to bring them in another time.

it was kind of sad to come home to my house alone after being with my family. but i decided to make the most of my day, and in the end quite enjoyed myself. i walked downtown and got a few dvd's from classic video. i've been wanting to watch the original "little women". i love that movie and haven't seen it in ages. as i walked home thinking about it, i got all teary-eyed reminiscing about our old rec room and my big sister. sometimes i miss being kids with her, especially when having to go home to an empty home.

i have a cold. it started setting in around 5pm. i ALWAYS get sick after spending time with my niece and nephews.

we became friends 3 years ago today.

i am sitting in my glass house.

magi

well. in a half-hour my dad is picking me up and we're going to next for the christmas eve service. in fact, my entire family is coming. i'm excited about that. my family has never joined me in my activities before, much less skipped their own activities in favour of mine. it'll be nice being able to share my church community with them.

i'm looking forward to spending the next couple of days with my family. it's always the making of a disaster, but i'm optimistic that it'll go well. i'm prepared to be flexible and make compromises. i'm bringing scattergories and i hope they'll play it with me this evening.

i played my drum for him...
i played my best for him.

drama-queen

i would just like to say that i think the whole world has gone insane. case in point. santa claus should not make international or national news. in fact, santa (being a fictitious character) should not make the news at all....

i'm very excited about starting my holidays. i'm finished work and off until january 5th. it'll be grand. i love my christmas vacation. i'm going to try and make the most of it while leaving plenty of leisure time and not getting overwhelmed with things to do and people to see. i actually hope to do some papier-mâchéing. i haven't done any papier-mâché since grade 1, and it involved a lot of chicken-wire.

sometimes there's nothing better than watching an old movie with a friend, while drinking wine and wrapping christmas gifts. melissa came over and we watched the first half of "gone with the wind". it's a long one – four hours. i think i'll watch the second half tomorrow.

no, i don't think i will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. that's what's wrong with you. you should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.

pretty/nice

i see you mccormick-rankin.

some friends are easy to be around. yesterday i got a call from beckie, she was on the road from ottawa on her way to whitby. the roads were bad so she was going to pull off and come see me for a bit. as i waited for her i threw together some cookies and had them baked and ready by the time she arrived. we sat on my couch. i've missed her a lot. whenever i see her it feels like no time has past at all.

the days before christmas are my most favourite work days of the year. no one else is there, except for a few suckers who forgot to save vacation days or contract employees. in my building there was me and one other guy (and finance, but they don't count because we don't associate with them....) it was a glorious day. i wore jeans, i plugged away on a few projects i'd set aside for myself, i dance in my cube to my new tunes. i feel like i'm on vacation already, it's great.

it reminds me of rod stewart a little bit.

i have to admit, i'm getting a little snooty. i feel disgruntled when the snow is so deep in my driveway that even my little suv can't drive over it.

i love that his constructive criticism included "you leave your mouth open when you think sometimes". i shouldn't laugh because he was trying to be helpful, but it's hard to take that kind of input seriously. however, i'll take heed his advice and try to shut my trap when concentrating.

i'm almost looking forward to going to work tomorrow!

why don't you kiss me
and tell me that you want it?

luxury

after two days of being 29 i began to feel immense freedom. it feels as though i've succeeded in coming thru to the end of my twenties without meeting specific social expectations, and by doing so have finally made it clear that i don't fit the mould. i've always done things my own way, and when i try to do things because i feel they're expected of me i end up being miserable. i suddenly feel as though the statement "lesley is kind of different" is not an insult – it never was, but because of the social pressure i always felt it meant "lesley is kind of a failure". but not any longer. is this making sense or do i have to explain further? i'm off the radar and free to do as i wish. for that reason i'm becoming suspicious that life begins at 29.

well... carpooler paul has become "the carpooler formerly known as paul" or is that "paul formerly known as carpooler". i'm not sure. my point is... paul-etienne has left for quebec city and our carpooling days are over. i'll take a little break from carpooling, but i think i will eventually look for someone else to drive with. it's an interesting experience, good for the environment, and stretches me to have to think of someone's schedule other than just my own.

i really should get going. i have shoveling to do before i can do the remainder of my christmas shopping and go to the Y. i think i'll pick-up some ugly slip-on shoveling boots at S&R today. man, i had the S&R jingle stuck in my head all day on thursday. it was terrible. it would be enough of a reason for me to boycotte that store if i had any other store options. but i don't, so i'll forgive and forget.

i'm in no hurry.

rendevouz

i ate lunch at the legion today. don't ask... it's a long story.

i toured tonight. i taxied shannon & optimus prime to the animal house. ate dinner at the chien noir with carpooler paul. sat in melissa kitchen as she baked. helped rhonda pack for her roadtrip. i feels like i lived several evenings all in one.

i love my carl winslow magnet :D

she knows she's more than just a little misunderstood.

wrestler

i had a totally fantastic birthday. i had a group of wonderful friends join me at the maxi pad, and i enjoyed their company immensely. i worked hard beforehand to provide a good spread of food. i have a lot of leftover stuff, but that's ok. i was exercising my hospitality muscle, everyone had a really great time and said we should do this more often. i think we shall...

even though i said that gifts weren't necessary, lots of people brought some anyways. a pair of hand-knitted mitts, a graphic novel, a DQ gift card, a hand-knitted scarf, a magnet, a hand-made knitting needle case, the latest killers cd, nail polish, a rain-cheque for a bottle of wine (accompanied by a wine-consuming friend), home-made canned pickles & other goods, home-made truffles, a writing journal that includes 10 favourite things about me written inside plus red & pink pens (because she knows i'm obsessive about writing in those colours), and finally.... shannon decorated a wooden box that contains scraps of paper that she wrote little thank-you's on (some were funny, some were serious, some were random, some where inside jokes – all were sincere).

melissa and i were talking yesterday (a piggy-back on an email conversation i'd had with bren) about being known. being known and knowing others is what connects us, and to some extent that's what makes us human. disconnection comes when we lose what it means to know or be known. i love my gifts because they all in one way or another represent a conversation, a connection, an awareness. these are my people. i love and appreciate that they give me a sense of belonging. i have more people else where too. it was very nice and special for me to surrounded on this occassion.

i want to be known.
i want to be seen.
i want to be heard.
i want to be touched.

funny thing, i was just briefly looking over last year's entry. i wrote that beckie predicted that 28 was going to be a good year for me, but that it would start slow. i would have to say that was bang-on. what a clever girl :)

i feel happy. i will sleep with a smirk.

i heard all your reasons
i heard all your plans
i have seen the seasons
clutched up in your hands

forthright

well folks... here we sit, on my birthday eve, at the brink of a new age – the end of another. what can i say. twenty-eight has been a good one for me, aside from a few hiccups, i really can't complain. and i don't. it was a great year, especially in contrast with 27 which blew goats. as i step forward into 29, i'm inclined to take stock of my twenties; what have i done? what i not done? what have i accomplished? what have i missed out on? what have i avoided? i like the idea that i still have one more year – one more year of my 20s in which to do the things i neglected.

here's a picture of me and one of my favourite people, bren, at her birthday party on saturday (before my work party – hence the reason i'm a little over-dressed). she is a beautiful and wonderful woman, one i admire a great deal. it's people like bren who calm my fears about getting older. i look at her, and so many other people, and think the best is yet to come. it's about the choices we make, and not about the social expectations. it's about being true to ourselves, and growing who we are, not about turning into our mothers. undoubtedly, i have a peter pan complex, but as i mature i'll be able to let go of that, and understand that it's not my age that matters, but it's my character and my spirit by which i live. i want to be like bren when i grow up :)

(btw: i'm totally self-conscious of my teeth. david tells me that he likes that they are crooked, but it's that baby tooth that really bugs me.)

well... it's been a good one. thanks for making this year so great :)

ok, i have to get ready for bed. i get very upset and anxiety-ridden when i'm wake at midnight on my birthday eve. very upsetting. i have to go to bed and wake up in a new year.

this is why we won’t delay for your birthday.

male pattern baldness

they are inconvenienced by the fact that i have feelings.

head space.
head space.
head space.
room to let.

the weather is bipolar. every few days it switches, and i walk across my lawn over different terrain.

i need to hold my tongue.
i need a lock box.
i need a cape.

what's the future, who will choose it?

spy

we did a show-and-tell at the living room christmas party tonight. it was really fun. i liked it a lot. i brought in my clothes-peg painting because it's only been seen by two people in real life and i wanted to share it with others. i loved how it was a neat way of learning more about each other. we also did a gift exchange in which i won a paper cowboy. i was going to take him to work to hang in my cube, but i've decided instead to hang him up on the outside of my bathroom door. he'll make for a good conversation piece. the irony would be too much for my colleagues. they just wouldn't get that it's funny.

we also watched what would jesus buy? which is a witty and thought-provoking look at consumerism at christmas time. it's really good. i strongly suggest it.



i'm feeling a little socially overworked. i would love a night to recoup and store up new resources, but this week's going to be a busy one too. i'm looking forward to tuesday when i get to chill and bake with melissa for my party on wednesday. hopefully i'll be able to recharge a little so i can fully enjoy my birthday without feeling stressed out.

ooh ooh!! i almost forgot that i bought scattergories today! i'm very excited to play it. i've concluded that i'm a very relational-games person. games that are social and require group interaction. it should be fun to play at my birthday party and over christmas :D

we're half awake in a fake empire.

i felt invisible at my own birthday lunch today. if i'd suddenly disappeared, things would have continued unchanged, and it's possible no one would have noticed.

sagittarius

yesterday was bren's 40th birthday. al, mike, rachel, me, and the rest of the storytellers crew have secretly been working on a special edition of hatch to give to her. a collection of stories and letters about her from the people who love her. it turned out amazingly beautiful. and i don't mean the appearance. it's such a beautiful gift and i'm so touched to have been part of it. the best part of all is how much she loved it. every time i think about it, i smile from ear-to-ear from way down in my liver.

tonight was the bbd annual christmas party. this year it was at portsmouth olympic harbour. i'd have to say it wasn't as nice as days inn, but it was still a good time. i enjoyed mingling, dancing and the food was very good. i have to admit, i quite enjoy the excuse to get all dressed up. it's the only time of year i really get dolled up and it actually makes me feel really great.

i love watching people. sometimes it makes me feel invisible. sometimes i like that. sometimes i hate it. i'm still trying to sort out how to feel. it's difficult to figure out what is reasonable under the circumstances.

wherever you go
i'll be over your shoulder.

watermelon

i love him the same way i love my boots.
i didn't think it was possible to love someone the same way one loves inanimate objects. but it is.

i smell like cigarettes. it's been years since i've come home drenched in someone else's smoke.

it feels good to be something to somebody again, instead of being nobody's anything.

i should probably explain (because knowing pspd, messages will be misconstrued if it's not put in context) my very first boyfriend got back in touch with me this week via facebook. we broke-up 13 years ago. it had been a very tremulous relationship. a loving friend asked me the other day if it was wise to be talking with him, she said it takes time to earn back trust. i thought about that, and surprised myself by telling her that trust had nothing to do with it. right now i'm his go-to person. i don't need to trust him in order to be supportive and encouraging. i don't distrust him either. yup, i really don't think trust has anything to do with it. trust is an intimate emotion – it's something felt or not felt for people who are close to the heart. i don't need to trust him any more than i trust my mailman. it's all water under the bridge.

i was at the knicker's place for dinner tonight. at one point i was explaining why i gave up caffine, and said something about being a high-strung person. she said "you're not a high-strung person are you?" so i told her "when i'm around people who are more high-strung than i am, i take on a passive role" which is why she's never seen that side of me, because she's WAY more tightly wound then i am. i'm animated, i'm passionate, i get stressed out easily, but i'm not picky, particular, or controlling of others. it's very easy for me to be accommodating to other people's preferences, in fact, i quite enjoy it.

holding hope open for the one, making you wait.

etch

old friends know a person in a way new friends don't. and vice versa. sometimes i feel like i'm missing chapters of my life because they happened with people who are now absent. it makes me feel like those moments are lost, or never existed. talking with an old friend this evening resorted a lot of good memories – reconnected me with them.

he told me that my dedication to my vow shows integrity and strength of character. he applauded me and assured me that i shouldn't feel embarrassed. that was very encouraging. ESPECIALLY coming from him.

i live in a fish bowl. al was saying yesterday that from the front of my house he could see me very clearly as i sat at my computer. i've developed a bit of an immunity, it doesn't bother me at all that people can see me, except when i feel their being extra nosy. i like walking around downtown and being able to see into people's houses, and since my place is pretty cool i don't mind other people admiring it from the street below.

i got my hair trimmed after work. when april used to cut my hair we had an understanding that my layers should never go shorter than my collar-bone. tonight the girl enhanced my layers a little (which was what i asked), but when i saw her snip to my chin my heart squeezed. panic! but i'm trying not to freak-out, it's just hair, it'll grow back. besides, it looks fine.

you don't know what to do
there's a guy you know,
who'll be there for you.

conspiracy

i like it when they come over and drink my beer.

was that a parable, or a very subtle joke?

kneel

i got a new chair at work today. it's pretty comfy. i need a special drafting stool because my desk is taller than everyone elses. i've been using an old chair of frank's that he got in the 70s. it's not particularly ergonomic. so i got permission to get a new one, and it took almost 2 months to arrive. but i exercised my patience muscles and therefore didn't mind.

there's something about getting dressed at the Y that makes me keenly aware of my clothes.

when i was 8, 9 or maybe 10 i got a watch for the first time. once i mastered reading the hands i quickly became dependent on it. i NEEDED to know what time it was or i was very disoriented. when i graduated college my watch strap broke, so i simply kept it in my smock as i worked at value village. eventually the battery died and i never bothered replacing it. i'd discovered how awesome it is to live without a watch. i suddenly felt free and unbogged down. i will never wear a watch again.

i discovered today that i'm a white-collar worker. i suppose that should've been obvious, but it never crossed my mind before, because it always sounded like a label for middle-aged men with briefcases.

one thing that i just can't conceive
is how to let you go.

chicken pox

today they were sending an envelop around to collect money for a going-away present for someone at work. i signed the card, then opened my wallet to see what kind of cash i was willing to part with. i had a change-purse full of loonies, i took 2 out. then said to myself "lesley... you have more, be generous!" so i gave one more. unfortunately, i discovered later that that act of generosity left me one dollar short for my laundry. now i'm gonna have to weasel some spare change out of friends and acquaintances. so much for being generous :p

i miss pretending to watch movies.

my yoga instructor's name is dennis. for some reason i find that very funny.

if you're lost you can look
and you will find me.

genesis

it struck such a cord with me that i was overwhelmed and shocked. i sat down on my bed choking on my tears, gasping for breath. there are things that happened. things that happened when i was 15. i remember praying that i would forget. and i did. it's been 14 years and i've thought of those things very little. that person rarely came to the forefront of my mind. until tonight when i got home to discover a facebook message from my long forgotten past. i was afraid. but what i read swelled my heart, and i wept uncontrollably with joy. with my faith growing in leaps and bounds in a few short seconds, i knew i had to tell someone. it had to be someone who would understand. i called my mom. she'd been there too. she'd felt all my fears, she'd felt her own. when i first told her about the email she recoiled in caution just as i had. but i read her the message and she too was amazed. i am healed beyond healing. i am mended beyond mending, in ways i never expected.

i know that he is able.
that he is faithful.

please forgive my alzheimer's.

sometimes i feel like someone stuck in quick-sand, and the more i struggle to get out the worse my predicament gets. but not right now.

when your back's against the wall
just turn around, you will see.
i will catch you, i will catch your fall
just have a little faith in me.

shuffle

it's been a bit of a bizarre day. it's been good, don't get me wrong. i got up at a reasonable time, listened to GO on the CBC, cleaned my house, when to the Y, worked on hatch & next bored stuff, had andrew & shannon over for dinner. all good things that i enjoyed a great deal. but something's been nagging at me all day. gnawing on me. eating away my confidence, sense of self, personal value, etc. there have been moments and chunks of time where i definitely was feeling like myself, but those don't last. it's like i have a bad taste in my mouth, and it's taking a while to dissipate. i need a touchstone or a warm and lasting hug.

i'm glad i had shandrew over this evening that was a real highlight of my day. i have a really nice apartment and need to invite people to enjoy it with me more often. it's a challenge for me because my hostess experience is very green and on the lite side. but i suppose i'll become more comfortable with it the more i do it. i'm going to have to purchase a few more board games if i'm going to flex my hostess muscles. we did play a round or two of boggle, but it wasn't really a fair match because i'm a more experienced player.

as i look out of my window onto york street all i see is a blanket of snow. i love it.

i know it's unreasonable, but i prefer it when my exboyfriends contact me to let me know they're getting married. instead of finding out thru the grapevine or on facebook. this could have something to do with the bad taste in my mouth.

life is for the taking,
so i better wise up,
and take it quick.

gusto

we are sneaky.

my belly-button is off-centre.

alison lau sent me this video clip a couple years ago. it's frickin hilarious, especially if you have a cubicle. man, all you people who don't work at office jobs are missing out of a whole cubicle sub-culture :p it's a lovely serenade that often gets stuck in my head.

let me feel your breath,
let me know you're here with me.

bomb the bass

this evening, as part of my attempt to "make christmas about the people i love and not about commercialism", i went xmas shopping with cas and shannon. it was really fun. we ate dinner in the food court then wandered around for a while. i managed to almost complete my shoping in zellers. all i have to do now is buy dollar gifts, and that's something i need to do alone. i've never finished my christmas shopping so early before. i usually wait until after my birthday. i wonder if this means i'm maturing or just getting more clever. but what is maturity but a more clever way of approaching things....

it was a very fun time hanging out with them, afterwards we went to cas's place and drank red wine and chatted. it makes me really happy to be surrounded by such wonderful people.

if he thinks i don't know what he's doing, he's wrong.

i don't want to. yup. i don't want to. that's probably the quickest way of curing me of any stupid notions. i feel a need to talk about it, even though talking isn't going to change anything. so instead i'll go to bed, and await your emails tomorrow. all i can do is trust and hope. hope and trust.

if you spit in the sky it will fall in your eye.

roadmap

i heard recently that men feel very much unneeded in today's world. women can do pretty much everything without them, and that makes them feel obsolete. that really makes me sad to hear. i knew that before, but it's truly a shame. i can't speak for everyone, but i am a woman who had to learn to do everything herself from a very young age, because there was no one to help me. my dad left when i was ten, and from that point on i had to take care of my mom and our home. the other day frank was telling me that he spent an entire evening at his grown-son's house replacing a valve in a toilet. my immediate reaction was "why didn't mark just do it himself?" but then it occurred to me that frank was willing and able to do it, therefore his son never needed to learn. honestly it does hurt me that i was left to fend for myself, but what bothers me more is that because of it i don't expect people to be helpful. the other day i was in the grocery store struggling to reach some crackers that were on the top shelf. i'm not a particularly tall person, i'm on the closer side of short. i jumped, i stretched, i jumped AND stretched. meanwhile a young guy around my age walked right past me. i noticed. i noticed that he walked by without assisting me. i think that motivated me more, so i stood on the lowest shelf and made one last ditch effort, and managed to knock one over within my reach. after i grabbed it, i noticed that the guy turned back, then said with a bit of a smile "oh... do you need help with that?" "no thanks, i got it" i said. argh! why didn't he offer BEFORE?!?! it's a vicious cycle. women do for themselves because they have to, men don't help because they're not needed. i've been told by several people that i'm very independent and most likely intimidating. just because i'm not needy doesn't mean i don't need.

i have a love-hate relationship with my cubicle. i love it because it's mine. i've decorated it. i've personalized it. it's my little 8x8 blue cube. i love that it's blue instead of beige. i love that everything is set up by me for me. very meticulously. it's sometimes messy. it's messy right now. it's not unlike my home. it's actually a tiny version of the maxi pad. i hate it because it traps me. i hate it because it has no windows (but it IS across from the ladies washroom). i hate that it represents oppression and kills my spirit a little. i hate that it doesn't have a door so i can't keep people out when i need time alone or need to concentrate. but all in all it's 70-30. so that's why i know it's the right fit.

i whacked my elbow really hard at the Y tonight. it's still really sore.

everything looks perfect from far away.

acrostic

my butt looks good in these pants :p
hahahhaa

i wish fruit-flies would have an aversion to me the way i do to them.

i'm knitting joy a tea cozy for christmas. she asked me for one, but i told her i didn't have time because i'm knitting david a scarf. but i'm actually gonna put his scarf on hold so that i can create for christmas. i'm excited about this.

oh my goodness. i just realized that i got NOTHING done this evening that i needed to. instead i watched 2 episodes of joan of arcadia and started joy's tea cozy. i'm so annoyed at myself. i needed to type up the board minutes, do some work on hatch, and send out invitations to my birthday party. HMPH! well... i don't suppose they can all be productive evenings. it was enjoyable nontheless.

man, i wish it would snow again.

i've decided to stop taking painkillers to kill the pain of feminine cramps. i'm just gonna grin and bear it. or if necessary bite on a piece of leather. i'm building up my resistance to pain.

he said i was talented. that made me feel really good! i don't consider myself talented, but i suppose that made me appreciate the compliment all the more.

a book has never broken my heart before. that one did. just the end. it was good. that's probably why it made me ache.

i hear you're throwing your computer out the window
because you want to make something real.

semantics

i love this little clip. it pulls at my heart-strings. it gives me goose-bumps. it makes my eyes fill up. i totally dig what they're saying.

i'm hoping:
...it's going to snow again soon.
...my brain is wrong & not actually sensing the onset of a cold.
...i won't get overwhelmed seeing as december is going to be a busy month.
...he'll be approved.
...she will be safe.
...we'll all get along.
...i won't be afraid of my 29th birthday.
...for wisdom and discernment.
...you will be certain.
...you'll have a baby.
...he'll get to keep his liver.
...it'll all work out ok.
and much much more. i'm trying to figure out what hope is. if it's more than just getting what we want. and if it's not, i'm trying to reconcile to myself that it's ok to want and not feel guilty about it. some where along the line i started to confuse wants with dissatisfaction. wants and needs. some wants aren't essential to life, and yet are at the same time. it's all so confusing. i guess it all depends on the definition of life; if it's mere survival than our wants are insignificant. but if life is relational then that changes everything. i believe it is relational. i'm relational. oh sometimes existential dilemmas hurt my brain. a verdict is still out on this one, i'm churning it over.

you are a radio.
you are an open door.
i am a faulty string of blue christmas lights.