flash

in spite of what's implied by this picture,
he actually really adores me.

i've gotten some stuff sorted out. a good talk with a good friend put my fears at bay and i've been able to get back to simply enjoying him. i love that i've hooked up with someone who loves music even more than i do. excellent.

me, b and liz went to skeleton park this afternoon to see the gertrudes and check out the costume parade. it never occurred to me that i was supposed to dress up, and was therefore terribly under-dressed. thankfully when bren and mike arrived they weren't in costume either, so then i felt less weird. there were some good outfits there, i think my favourite was lyon's mary poppins – it was extra funny because shanno hates mary poppins.

b and i made lasagna tonight. and when i say we, i mean he. i mostly sat and talked, or cut stuff up per his instructions. which worked out well because apparently he has issues when it comes to kitchen stuff – he's a one man show. i like this picture. in fact, i really like my kitchen.

if i wanna fly i could fly for freedom.

casino

i'm concerned that my new shampoo smells like toothpaste :S

i don't know how to navigate things. how to be changed along with my changed circumstances. i've been surprised and alarmed to find a few lurking issues that i have not managed to expel. i know it hurts him when i remind him that things could turn horribly sour, and that it crushes a little bit of his green grassy heart. i don't want to trample him. i find myself constantly trying to keep him at arms length, that's driven by my fear that someday he'll be beyond arms reach and i won't know how to cope. i'm too old to be foolish, he's too young to be anything but. he knows not to give me empty promises or empty reassurances, so instead he tells me "we're going to be ok", which i find comforting and like that he knows the right thing to say. the thing i find scary is that each day our connection grows, and it's becoming that i feel more like myself when we're together. i'm in the midst of a new normal. i find that beautiful, but risky. i've gambled too much with my heart, it's worn-out and shapeless, but just like any gambler there's part of me that thinks it's worth one more toss of the dice - because "you never know". he tells me not to worry about tomorrow. i like that he lives so much in today and there's part of me that really aspires to be like that. but i think my survival instinct searches for signs of life in the days to come. i hear the words of my sister echo in my head, and i agree with the sentiment, but fear grips me. i don't know how to let go when i trust no one but myself and even that trust is sketchy. maybe a person never really heals. i thought i was stronger than this, more capable, and more relaxed. however, i don't think this is about him, or us, or anything other than me actually. i have hang-ups. i've been burnt and are now shy. no one can change that other than me. but the thing is, being broken made me a better person. there's absolutely no doubt in my mind about that. would i change the years gone by, the water that's gone under the bridge? no. but i would change now. how i feel now. what i fear now. it's time to let go, and just be.

you make me feel like i am home again.

disaster

i'm always amazed when i have a passenger and they take it upon themselves to adjust the knobs on my control panel. yesterday my colleague francois drove with me to our testing facility and almost immediately he started turning on the A/C increasing the air flow, etc. i didn't mind exactly, i was just quite surprised. i've always considered controls in a car off limits, i would never adjust anyone elses heat or stereo. that's like going into someone elses home and turning up the heat - that would be very rude! that's why i don't do it. i thought that was regular car ettiquette, but maybe not.

it's always highly amusing when someone stumbles across my blog from googling me. partly because they have no idea that i know they've done it, but also because it's hiliarious to discover that they're curious about me. i guess it's a bit of a compliment.

while babysitting the kids i was quite disturbed by this video game joelle had been given by some friends. it's was this crazy consumeristic plot that was all about getting money for menial tasks (20 dollars for watering a plant, 40 dollars for sweeping the floor) then she could go to the mall with $350 and buy all sorts of crap she didn't need until she had no money left. it was REALLY disturbing.

we're going places you've never dreamed of.

ticket

i forgot to make mention yesterday that it was my 4 year anniversary of pspd. it's been a crazy, long ride so far. i've enjoyed having this blog as an outlet and a place to share about my life. it's filled a need in my life, and maybe in some ways the lives of other people too. thanks for being a part of this experience, and i look forward to many more entries in the future :)

i told you to be patient,
i told you to be fine,
and i told you to be balanced,
and i told you to be kind,
in the morning i'll be with you,
but it will be a different kind.

apron

mondays are usually my nights at the Y. but it dawned on me while at work that this week is going to be especially busy with activities, and if i go to the Y i'd continue to live in squalor and would NOT experience peace of mind. what's the point of a leisurely hobby if it adds to the burden of your regular life? partly the reason why yoga and pilates is important to me is that i feel that those activities provide an element of balance to my life. but i need to be careful that i don't begin to focus more on the activity than what's being accomplished thru it. so i stayed home. i had a delicious dinner, i finished "a million miles in a thousand years", i cleared out my refrigerator (that has had rotting vegetables in it since the beginning of august), i baked some cookies for the board meeting on wednesday, and i cleared off my desk! i can actually see the glass surface for the first time since june! it's been good. i feel good. and that's the point of my evening at the Y, right?

when i returned to work today i was asked if i had the swine flu. i don't know for sure. i'm hoping i did because then i'm done and won't have to worry about getting the vaccine. i've reviewed the symptoms but my analysis has been inconclusive.

the announcement has been made, and i have NOT been selected as a bombardier torchbearer for the 2010 olympics :( oh well. it's ok. it would've been fun, but i think it would've also been hard and i'd be nervous. so in a way i'm relieved. i'm happy to just go watch with some of my friends. it will be amazing.

i was really hating my hair today. it was bothering me a lot. looked terrible. but when i threw it up into a bun in frustration it ended up looking great! phew! it's just gotten so freakishly short. that's my only criticism, that dreads has progressively made my hair shorter in the last 10 months. except for one dread. it's like a have a dread rat tail :S

the one that you're using is bruising you.

out

i had a lovely time at the goat with shanno today for lunch. my food was especially tasty. we arrived in the freakish half-hour between breakfast and lunch, and had to wait 20 minutes before we could order. we just got a beverage and sipped it slowly until lunchtime. i noticed when i was there yesterday with bren that the man sitting at the table beside us (we had to share a table) was TOTALLY eavesdropping on our conversation. at one point i turned and looked at him and he quickly looked away – pretending he hadn't just been blatantly watching and listening to me. it was a bit awkward. thankfully the people at our shared table today didn't listen to our conversation, however it didn't seem like they were doing much of anything. just eating silently, staring into space – also a little bit weird.

well, having missing 3 days of work and one bake sale i'll be back in the office tomorrow morning. i had a really encouraging conversation with eric after living room tonight. apparently there's quite a lot of demand for freelance design work in kingston.

you know what i hate about facebook? (besides the fact that they change it every 4 to 6 months) that it doesn't allow people to customize the homepage. i liked it the way it was, with the photos and stuff on the right. why can't it have options for people to have the live feed or news feed if they want it, or photos, or status updates, or whatever!!?!? people like to be able to customize stuff. i wish they'd realize that soon and give us some control of our homepages :S

i'm hoping that you'll stick around.

blink

i've had a really great day. my cold is finally retreating and i've had some time to myself and some time with people.

i had to get up early to take my car to get rust-proofed. i've never done that before, however i do think it's important and i've been planning on doing it for a while. so it felt good to get that accomplished. i felt like a fish out of water while waiting for my car. but i came to the conclusion, that sometimes we have to find ourselves in those types of situations to be reminded of who we are.

when i got home i quickly put together a flyer for a new homework club. another thing accomplished. then made impromptu plans with bren to walk down town for a cup of tea. i enjoy her company a great deal, and like her spontaneity.

while i was downtown i did a few errands, then dropped by michelle's place, went came home for dinner before i went out on a date with myself to the screening room. i went to see enlighten up! – it's a documentary about yoga. when i arrived i heard someone say my name, so i looked around to find liz sitting near the back so i moved to sit with her. that was a fun coincidence.

it's just been a fantastic day. just what i needed :) i only wish i'd had time/the desire to really thoroughly tidy the pad, because it's starting to get too cluttered. that and i didn't get around to the next logo. hm. oh well. soon.

someone like me with someone like you –
how unlikely, too good to be true.

corduroy

the leaves on the trees across the street from my house have started falling. i think they were slower than most to start changing colour. they look beautiful drenched in rain, kissed by the cold. the leaves cover the ground like a carpet. the trees draw attention to themselves as people pass by below – occasionally tapping someone on the shoulder or patting them on the head. for some reason they look so soft, i wish i could reach out and run my hand along them as they hang in the trees. i'll miss them when they're gone.

being sick has given me lots of reading time. i finished my book club book with a great sense of satisfaction. then started on the new don miller book, it's really neat, he does the inca trail!

i'm planning on going back to work tomorrow. emma is here from the UK again, i want to see her. i just don't want to make her sick because she's going to spain on vacation next week. on saturday i need to take round two of the next church logo. i'm hoping for success. i will conquer logo design, i will own it, it will not overcome me. this is important seeing as it seems i'm destined for a life-long relationship with logo design, so we might as well make peace pronto.

this is not the sound of a new man or crispy realization.

logarithm

earlier today i had symptoms of a cold. i was quite delighted by the thought that i'll get a few days off sick, but now that it's evening and my cold is really taking hold of me, i'm less thrilled. i've almost completely lost my voice, and that's never happened to me before. it's really bizarre. i've just left a message for the knickers saying i won't be coming in in the morning, i figured i had better leave a message while i can still speak. i'm going to drink some neocitran and get into bed. i'll read before i pass out in a medicated state. at least i'm getting a lot of reading done.

i'm picking fruit
and i choose you.

epoxy

i did something dumb tonight.
i went to the Y as usual on a monday night. usual routine of pilates, treadmill, then yoga. but i stupidly walked the treadmill in my new roxy boots and the soles of my feet are majorly sore and blistered. which ruined yoga class because i couldn't do the positions properly. aside from that, tonight was already a bit of a let down. i had a substitute teachers, and i just don't like their style of teaching as much as christina and yogi master dennis. i just don't think my heart was in it.

i bought the new dragonette cd on saturday. bren teased me saying it's so retro to buy cds, it's true, but i get them for at work. they're ideal because i can listen to them on repeat for weeks at a time. i'm totally digging this album, i needed some new tunes in my cube. it's revitalizing.

he gave me the blues. i gave him a broken circle.

come on, say it,
i know you can feel it too.

mopeds

i love that rach laughed. i love that she gave me a hug too.

i've really been enjoying living room. it's different every year, and so, as usual, i'm enjoying it in a different way. i love that it gives me a chance to connect with people. that we spend 2.5 hours together in a small room talking about the bible, God, and life. we share personal stories, things that really matter, i feel invested in the lives of those people. i know what's important to them, and as a result it's important to me too. i have a unique role as the facilitator, and i consider it a bonus because i get to really look out for the people who come. living room has taught me a great deal about life, relationships, community, myself, and God too. this is my fifth year leading this group. when i started it all those years ago, i had no idea how long it would last, or what the outcome of it would be. it's been a positive experience, and it makes me happy to hear that it's been good for the living roomers too. for that i take no credit, i'm just glad that it's worth the effort and it's affective in accomplishing its purpose. i think i experience the group very different as the facilitator than the others do. there are times when i find it really hard, times when i find myself praying "oh God, please help us" when the conversation goes down a particularly challenging path. and thankfully things always wrap-up nicely. i always leave with a bounce in my step and a thrill of knowing it was time well spent.

it's amazing the things i learn from a six year old.

i'm transparent to my sister even over email.

heart on my sleeve,
not where it should be.

(no subject)

as my new-thing-i've-never-done-before for october, i played poker at the house famous. i'd never played poker before, and i was a little slow in the uptake at first, but eventually got with the program. i even won about 4 hands.

bren and i went shopping this afternoon. she needed to go to the mall, and hates the mall, so i went to provide her with some moral support and to enjoy her company. she needed to get some boots, and oddly enough i bought some before she did, and i wasn't even looking :S they're just simple slip on boots for shoveling, taking out the trash, driving to friends houses – i hate having to do up boots when i'm just going to be wearing for a few minutes. i've been needing something like that for several years, and they were on sale, so i bought them for posterity's sake. they're great. i've been wearing them all evening – well at least since i returned home from two different birthday celebrations. i think i'm especially fond of boots. they make my feet so toasty. now that i think of it, these are my third pair that i've posted a picture of on pspd. it might seem frivolous to own 4 pairs of boots, but they all have different uses – 1) my big brown fancy boots for dressy occasions, 2) my awesome black winter airwalks for general wear, 3) my sensational galoshes for rainy wear, and 4) now my roxy slip-ons for convenience and endurance. i actually feel quite privileged to own such boots.

your hair was long when we first met.

squirrels

there was a wellness fair at work today. seeing as i'm on the committee i had to think of people/organizations to invite to participate. i asked lyon if he'd like to come and have a table about organic/locally grown food, he said he would. so i connected him with the organizer, and plans fell into place. this morning i gave him a drive and helped him with all his goods, then went on my merry way. a couple hours later i went over to check out the scene and discovered that tim's booth was by FAR the best one there, not only in display but in interaction. tim's personality is perfect for interacting with strangers, especially about things he loves. his booth was the most busy one there, i tried to go around to the other tables even though i really wasn't interested, but i kind of felt sorry for them. jamie told me that tim's table brought a human element to the fair. i felt proud of tim, and by extension felt proud of the people in my community.

i really wanted tim to come and visit me in my cubicle, but i'm in the smaller of the two buildings – they're connected by a tunnel and you need a badge to enter and exit. brendan told me that he wouldn't be surprised if tim finds his way into my building, and sure enough he appeared at my desk. it made me laugh that brendan was right, and i think it made me exclaim extra loud "you're here!". it was cool getting to show him where i work and have a little visit with him in my space. before he came i was sure that seeing my work environment would help tim understand me better (as it would anyone), and i think it did.

david and sue came to pick him up at lunch time, i bumped into them in the parking lot when i was heading out for my walk. that gave me an opportunity to take them over to my building and show them my 8x8 blue cube too. sue was quite disturbed by the cubicle culture, it was refreshing to talk to someone who could clearly see that it's an oppressive environment. when i showed them my desk i tried to highlight the modifications i've made to make it more bearable.

when i was talking to the knickers later, she said "i met your friend tim, he's nice", then went on to say he seems like a beatnik. i wasn't certain of the definition, so i just agreed and said he's a hippie. later on i looked it up and found that a beatnik is: "a person who participated in a social movement of the 1950s and early 1960s which stressed artistic self-expression and the rejection of the mores of conventional society; a usually young and artistic person who rejects the mores of conventional" and it made me wish that i'd known that before because not only is tim a beatnik, so are most of my friends. i so wish i'd had an opportunity to tell her that, as a means of rebelliously rejecting her conventional outlook.

a man melts the sand so he can see the world outside.

peninsula

indeed. there are times when it's necessary, and quite satisfying, to stay up way past one's bedtime to see some live music and spend time with good friends.

some days it all adds up and what you got is enough.

daddified

for those of you following along at home you are aware that i do at least one new thing every month. it dawned on me today (with a fair bit of horror) that we're mid-way thru october and i don't have anything planned for this month. i can think of several small things, but i'd like it to be something good. do you have any suggestions or ideas?

i went to a lecture tonight at queen's. i liked sitting in between bren and melissa. being in the presence of two of my inner circle. it was quite a privilege.

i forgot to tell you, i dropped my lunch all over the floor at work yesterday. to my utter surprise two quite unlikely women knelt on the floor with me trying to clean up my scattered rice.

ok. that answers my question.

she's gonna dream up the world she wants to live in.

smirk

i've come to the conclusion that my level of stress is directly related to the amount of time i spend in my cubicle. i've GOT to get out for my walks at lunch time. which means i'll have to bring warm clothes, and i won't be able to read while walking because it's too cold to turn the pages :S that's too bad, i really like reading.

i started on my second mitt last night. but unfortunately, this evening when i was halfway done i realized i was using the wrong size of needles and had to rip it out :S darn it! sometimes i'm so careless and don't pay attention to what i'm doing.

i saw the most incredible rainbow as i drove home today. did anyone else see it? i think it could only be seen from a certain angle, because when i turned the corner it was gone. it was a full rainbow the kind that's a complete arch. it was incredibly beautiful. i wanted to believe there was a promise hidden inside it for me.

ooooh! my replacement zooropa cd came in the mail today! hurray!

she sees a man, inside the child.

hay

i came across a quote the other day that really hit me in the face. "i always find it more difficult to say the things i mean than the things i don't."(W. Somerset Maugham). i feel that is true of me as well. i don't know if it's a question of getting choked up by the words, or if i don't know how to explain what's going on in the labyrinth of my mind, or if saying the things that dwell in the inner most parts of my heart makes me too vulnerable. i'm not sure, it's complicated. but it was lovely to see someone else put it into words.

i'm so glad the heat in my house has finally turned on. i've been freezing!

all of us here
have been here all the time.

cougar

i had my family over for thanksgiving dinner today. i made a chicken instead of a turkey. i'm working myself up to it. last time i had them over for thanksgiving i made a ham, so a chicken is one step closer, at least it was a bird. and really, a chicken was all we needed. there's was only 4 adults and 3 kids. my mom is in vermont with my aunt and uncle. things at dinner went fairly well. a couple of the vegetables were undercooked, but everyone applauded me heartily. it was fun. it turns out that liam is horribly afraid of cats and would scream blue murder every time one came near him. we went over to the park after dinner and froze our butts off, i am unprepared for october to be this cold.

joy and tim invited me over for a movie this evening, so i went and took my knitting with me. i struggled with my knitting pattern at church this morning and tried to solicit advise from the people around me, but no one knew how to help me. thankfully i got it worked out tonight, and got my first mitt finished! it looks good. it's going to be felted, so i might need to come to one of your houses to borrow your washing machine.

it IS funny, which is partly why i like it and feel like it's a good thing.

for the last two mornings i've woken up at my regular work time. which is really annoying because i LOVE sleeping in. here's hoping that i'll be able to sleep til noon tomorrow.

i dyed a streak of purple in my hair last night. today my dad says to me "you're hair looks nice les. different, is it darker?" and i said "look closer". tim pointed out "she has purple in the front part". my dad peered at my head and said "oh... that's nice" in a way that i know that he's humouring me. i laughed, patted him on the knee and said "thanks for trying dad". i love my dad. he makes me laugh. tonight he was telling us that he's starting a "geezers" group at his church, tim said "are you going to have a metamucil tasting party sometime?" (just to be a bum) and my dad said without missing a beat "we'll probably do that in december".

you tell me what's real.

i really want to go apple picking sometime. does anyone want to go with me? lemme know, ok?

M*A*S*H*

i had the funnest time with shannon at our slumber party. we carved pumpkins and told secrets. it was a good convo, the kind that's all giggly and girly. i can guarantee it was the kind of conversation that you'd ALL want to eavesdrop on :p

shannon's is on the left, mine is on the right. i was talking so much that i didn't get a lot of carving done, and my knife wasn't ideal. meanwhile, shanno really went to town on hers, expect she was so absorbed in the conversation that she just kept chipping away at his nose and it turned out larger than she had planned. we had some good laughs. i roasted the pumpkin seeds this morning. yum.

we got a late night pizza and drank our 6 dollar bottle of wine while watching the sex and the city movie. shanno passed out half way thru – hahaha, that makes it sound like she was drunk, she wasn't, just tired. apparently she always falls asleep during movies. i do that often as well, except i just turn it off and watch the rest at a later time. which is what we did. when we got up we watched the second half and gave ourselves pedicures and drank wine before noon.

no one could ever accuse us of never laughing at ourselves.

shan wrote a great little summary of our slumber party on her blog. i'm really glad she's in my life. she's so great and i like that we talk about all sorts of inappropriate things. she's a good friend – sets my mind at ease. my little weirdo feminist freedom-fighter :)

i think i'll go put a streak of purple thru my undreaded bangs.

i'm not meaning to avoid eye contact with you. i'm actually trying to work up the courage to look you straight in the eye. it's just that i'm not a multi-tasker, and i can't BOTH look you in the eye and not blush at the same time :S

lend me some sugar,
i am your neighbor.

curvaceous

we had our first "real" book club meeting tonight. "real" in the sense that we actually discussed the book. it seemed i'm the only one who didn't finish, meanwhile jordin didn't read at all. over all, i'd say no one was crazy about the book, some enjoyed it more than others. i love that we sat knitting and talked amount a ton of other things, and pretty much discussed the book very little. i've been struggling with my knitting project, so i'm thrilled that i was surrounded by knitting pros who could not only advise me but also could provide me with the correct size of needles. kim is not (yet) a knitter, but she is a quilter, which impressed us all. sarah was busy knitting a cape that may or may not contain magical powers.

i was super stressed at work today. thankfully during our discussion tonight the different form of love languages came up in convo. so everytime i got all anxious the girls (specifically michelle and rach g) were quick to bestow on me affection to help calm my nerves.

as i waited to head home (i carpooled with rach e and jordin), i jokingly said "throw me that laptop and i'll do my blog entry right now", so i'm currently sitting on rach g's couch with my lovely book clubmates surrounding me. they're currently discussing burmese cats in heat.

well i should probably hit "publish post" so i don't delay the girls any longer. they're reading over my shoulder as i write and are not-so-silent contributors (providing suggestions and so on).

you may be a lover but you ain't no dancer.

beards

i like that with a quick glance we can share the same thought.

a number of weeks ago i babysat my sister's offspring. while i was there i had a conversation with joelle about how old i am.
she says to me "you're kind of like a teenager, right?",
i tell her "no, not really. i'm a grownup",
to that she says "well you're kind of in between a teenager and a grownup",
"no, i really am a grownup" i insist.
i'm not exactly sure what is about me that she associates with being a teenager, but she wouldn't let it go. i just concluded that she equates me not being a parent as not being a grownup (i'm pretty sure when i was little that 'grownups' was another word for 'parents'). however, i'm beginning to think that she might be on to something. she may actually just be very astute. my reason for thinking this is because i'm having shannon over on friday night for a good old fashion sleepover. the kind teenaged girls have with pizza and pedicures – except ours will involve alcohol and R rated movies (sex and the city). i'm really excited about it. and it's left me wondering if i'm an unusual 29 year old, or if my contemporaries just don't have sleepovers because they're married with kids. i've concluded that i'm perfectly ok with being a teenaged-grownup hybrid. i like being this way – young with the experience of life. some may say i'm immature, others might say i'm a "young 29". i don't know if i agree with either assessment. i'm just different. i guess next time joelle tells me that i'm kind of like a teenager i'll tell her "ya, i guess i am".

i want to tell you a secret – a secret of my own.

i had a great time at storytellers tonight. andrew challenged us with our writing activity. we've dwindled in numbers. people have moved away, others have been swept away with the busyness of life. the girls greatly out number the boys – poor andrew and jay. we'd like more people to join us with their pencils and notepads. it's a fun time, fun and rewarding. maybe you should come. you really don't need to be crazy awesome, it's a learning and stretching experience.

buy buy, says the sign in the shop window,
why why, says the junk in the yard.

serenade

this morning i woke up and found that my eyes felt funny. like sandpaper. i wondered if i'd left my contacts in overnight. i tried looking at things across the room to see if they seemed clear or blurry, but in the grogginess of 6:50 a.m. it's difficult to tell what's what. i was of two minds, part of me hoped i'd left my contacts in because it would explain the discomfort, but the other part of me hoped i had not because it's really bad to sleep in contact. turns out i did. thankfully my eyes weren't so dried out that they'd fused to my cornea. just to be on the safe side i wore my glasses all day.

this evening i watched the last episodes of sex and the city. it was bittersweet. i inwardly hate that two part episode, i empathize with carrie too much and it gives me anxiety. i've actually been dreading that episode this whole time, i hoped i would feel different this time knowing that it ends well, but i still didn't like it. my favourite line is when miranda says to big "go get our girl" :) one thing i noticed about sex and the city is that two of the characters end up with really good – yet unattractive – men. this is surprising since it's not reality, so one would expect them to end up with knock-outs because they are very beautiful women. it's kind of comforting. i feel like i've learned a valuable lesson, and am reminded that beautiful men aren't usually all they're cracked up to be. it's making me think – convicted me a little.

there's a bear on the loose at work. yup, that's right. a black bear is hanging out in millhaven, it was spotted twice today on our property. oh crap! i just realized that i went walking at lunch time today by myself around the defunct factory, no one else was walking and i couldn't figure out why. i was reading my book as i walked, it's quite possible the bear was close by and i wouldn't have even noticed. perhaps that was imprudent of me :S oh well, i'm alive.

i like that my mom thinks i'm funny. i can crack random inappropriate jokes and she in turn cracks up.

she just cant be chained
to a life
where nothings gained
and nothings lost
at such a cost.

old dutch

do you see this???

i seriously did this at yoga class tonight.

i know, it's kind of crazy. a stranger lied on top of me as my forehead was smooshed into the mat. she was taller than me. then it was my turn to be on top, which was actually incredibly comfortable. talk about getting to know your fellow yogis. yoga class was different tonight because yogi master dennis was absent. some lady was filling in for him, we mostly lied on the floor stretching. it was ok. my pilates class was intense. i feel really comfortable in my body lately, which is really great. pilates class just emphasized that for me. it felt good.

yesterday my mom's only sister and her husband (my aunt and uncle) arrived from the u.k. for a visit. my mom has lived in canada for 40 years, and they've visited once – 20 years ago. i'm excited about them visiting, i think that's great. i suggested to her last week that she could bring them by my office to see where i work – she just lives roughly 6 minutes from my site. she thought that was a great idea, she's never been there before either. so today they came. it was exciting. i introduced them to marilyn and frank (the knickers is in vancouver – which is good, i wouldn't have felt comfortable inviting them if she was in the office), and i showed them my cubicle. they asked me all sorts of questions about bombardier, and i explained my job to them and showed them some of my work. they were very interested and impressed :) i felt a bit self-conscious because i wasn't wearing long sleeves, and my tattoo was quite obvious. my mom's family is quite conservative, and i felt awkward about them noticing it. they didn't say anything, perhaps my mom warned them about my dreads and tattoo before hand (she's done that before). and now that i think of it, i didn't have my nose pierced the last time i saw them either. oh well, i'm me and i like my accessories. i'm sure they're fine with it, they know me and love me. coming from the u.k. it's hard for them to imagine how big canada is. when they flew over labrador the pilot came on and announced it would be another 2 hours, my uncle david was shocked because he felt like arriving above canada would mean they were almost there.

when i think about my mom and my auntie eileen i wonder what joy and i will be like when we're in our 60s.

my tongue is loose. my talk is cheap.

don't question why she needs to be so free,
she'll tell you its the only way to be.

again

sometimes i get a wave of nostalgia. or maybe something else that i can't identify. i wish you were online, because i feel like talking to you.

sometimes i can't look at my own reflection. the sight of myself is frustrating. it's like trying to avoid eye-contact with a loved one. i think i feel guilty and i don't know why.

it's probably this song. or this feeling on my lips. the fact that i'm not tired, but i could curl up in a ball and listen.

i don't really get it. i wish i could put my head in your lap. and for you to wipe my bangs out of my eyes, and stroke my hair. my mind is clouded with self-doubt.

i wish i was highway driving. in the dark. listening to this song in the solitude of my car. i wonder if in this fantasy if i'm driving somewhere or getting away from somewhere. losing or finding.

i'm feeling it. deeply. i'm drenched in it. i just don't know what 'it' is. but it's thick, and it's real, and it might disappear before i figure out what it is. disintegrate into the air.

good friends we have,
good friends we've lost.

parallel

sometimes i say inappropriate things because i think it's funny. i trust that those i'm talking to get that i'm joking. unfortunately, they don't always. i think i do this because there's very little that i love more than being shocked. i love when something is so funny that it slaps me across the face and is mildly offensive (south park is a good example of this kind of humour). but i suppose not everyone gets offensive humour and i should be more careful who i deal it out to. ultimately i think it's yet another thing that boils down to being able to laugh at yourself.

as she hummed "somewhere over the rainbow" i had "no woman no cry" stuck in my head. it was really bizarre. we all live and move to the music that plays in our minds and i'm reminded once again that we're all listening to something different.

one of the main differences between men and women are the elements of pursuit. last night rach and i watched "stranger than fiction", those characters are totally different, and anna pascal would NEVER in a million years have picked harold crick to be her lover. but he liked her, he pursued her, and he won her. women can be worn down by a man so that she really stops and looks at him. it forces her to see in him things that are noble, admirable, and then ultimately desirable. i find this both romantic and alarming. i'm torn, because part of me believes there's nothing more romantic than being pursued, but i have trust issues and fear i could be worn down by inappropriate men. it's happened before. the funny thing is, it's really not that difficult to break past my barriers, but very few men bother trying.

we made promises we will keep.

everything's gonna be all right!

lawn mower

it's 2 am and i just got home from rach's place. we watched stranger than fiction, i love that movie, i pretty much glowed thru the whole thing. afterwards i stayed chatting for several hours. it was just us girls because jase is in montreal. i'm seriously so fortunate to have so many great friends who i connect with.

last night i had a dream that you were my DD. i liked it and was impressed by the way you took care of me.

this afternoon i took shanno for a walk into the wilderness. we climbed up a cliff where we sat at the top on it's rock surface for a long while talking. we were approached a snake, spiders, ladybugs, and saw some dragonflies doin' it. it was fun. i taught her how to eat sunflower seeds. upon returning to k-town we went to the goat – my first time in about 5 months (except for once in august). it was a beautiful day.

it's crazy awesome that i have so many friends in my vicinity. i can walk to almost everyone's house. that's GREAT! sometimes i take it for granted, but really... i live smack dab in the middle of community. i love it.

he can't be a man 'cause he doesn't smoke
the same cigarettes as me.

neXXXt

i can't do it.
and i'm not affective in forcing myself to do things i can't.
i'm not above quiting.
i'm a quiter i guess.

please never start your sentence when talking to me with a "i have something to tell you and i think you might hate me". it freaks me out!

i did nothing this evening that i'd planned on doing. i ended up spenting an half-hour watching "a part of our heritage" commercials on youtube (i came across one about j.a. bombardier, i felt it was inaccurate). had a late dinner with melissa. and watched some sex and the city. argh! i was asked to do a logo for next, that's what i SHOULD have been doing this evening. i'm so not disciplined. i'm such a baby, i just want it to be done and awesome without having to really put serious time into it. but that's partly because i'm a slow designer and it takes me a while. i'm easily distracted by the pile of crud on my desk.

my face is back to normal.

my house is freezing. the furnace hasn't clicked on yet and i have no thermostat.

don't the hours grow shorter as the days go by.

misadventure

bren invites me to join her family for dinner at least once a month. sometimes even more frequently. it's been interesting to see the change in her kids as they've gotten used to my presence there. especially with skye who's quite shy. they were uber comfortable with me this evening, climbing all over me. it was fun.

he once told me that it's very sexy that i drive a stick-shift. i like that. in fact, that alone makes it worth learning how to drive a manual car.

a sense of humour will take you a long long way. i can't be around people who take themselves too seriously. life is just too entertaining to be sullen all the time.

i wonder if awkward people know that they're awkward. i wonder how awkward i am on a scale of 1 to 10. i think confidence is a big factor. confidence repels awkwardness. at times i'm an exceedingly confident person. other times not so much.

i've become phobic of needy people. which is worrisome. i'm afraid of cling-ons who suffocate me. i'm hoping that i will love without fear, because needy people are a fact of life and i need to be able to sincerely give and care.

i heard it in her voice. she was nervous.

what you don't know you can feel somehow.