naturist

last night we carved pumpkins with andrew and shannon. brendan had never carved a pumpkin before, and he did NOT like the scooping out the insides part. funnily enough, when i mentioned this to his mom today she said she didn't realize he'd never carved a pumpkin before. that they used to do it as a family, and thought he'd helped, but in hindsight it was ben. she said he didn't like to do "yucky" things. he hasn't changed.

we worked together on our pumpkin, while andrew and shannon each worked on their own. pickings were a little slim at the grocery store, all really big pumpkins. but i managed to find two medium sized ones for the cardiffs, and took a big one for brendan and myself. in the end, we ended up with three super pumpkins that we'll put on our stoop tomorrow night.

i really wanted to dress up as the girl in 'short skirt, long jacket', but it'll be cold out and i haven't gotten around to planning the costume. i really like the idea of having finger nails that shine like justice. i'd probably paint them bright red or something, but i want to crochet tonight and that would be problematic. i'm currently working on a purse, and so far it's pretty good. my one concern is that i often work hard on a project, then don't wear it very often. i hope i like this purse when i'm finished and use with frequently. the problem with knitted or crocheted bags is things like pens fall out. i'm considering putting in a lining, but haven't yet decided if i want to take it that extra step further.

lately, just on tuesdays when i start work early to accommodate my shift at the hospital, it's still completely dark out when i leave the house. it looks like it's 10:00 at night, and that i made some kind of error with my alarm clock.

some days it's just really natural and easy to believe everything's going to be ok.

all those sleepless nights,
and all those wasted days.

maybe

i've got to tell you about this new yogurt we've been eating. i almost feel like a cliche saying this, like i'm some kind of advert, but it's the best yogurt i've ever had. it makes all the other yogurts out there seem like garbage. it's so frickin flavourful! this morning as i was scooping it into a container to bring to work for a snack i licked the spoon and thought "there's no way yogurt could taste like this naturally". but when i looked on the box it said it's made with no artificial colours or flavours! i feel like it's the david's tea of yogurt. plus, i like that it's canadian and owned by the dairy farmer's cooperative of canada.

last night brendan and i went to farm boy with the gift certificate his mom gave him for his birthday. my sister's niece was our cashier! anyway, we were pretty impressed with it. except things like crackers were pretty expensive, so we didn't buy those there. b didn't feel like cooking so we bought our dinner at the take-out section and ate in their dinning space. i opted for the salad bar, which more closely resembled a next church potluck then any salad bar i'd ever seen before. man, it was good. later when i was telling my dad about it, and he asked how much my salad came too, i said it'd been tricky to know how much i was getting because there was no weight scales. and he said "ya, it's a bit of a crapshoot" :D i've never heard my dad say crap or crapshoot before. i liked it a lot!

all in all, with our trip to farm boy, and the new level of angry birds that came with a recent update, i didn't get nearly as much done last night as i'd hoped. i haven't done a chore since monday. i'm starting to slack off. but in my defence, our house isn't really that big, so i find some things on the list are not necessary. other things, like cleaning out the fridge, are things i know need doing, but didn't get around to completing this week. i'm afraid i've left everything to saturday and then saturday lesley will be mad at weekday lesley. that's happened before.

 

i will wait, i will wait for you.

farm

i've been starting to notice a trend. people don't seem to like it when i tell them things that are true. it makes them angry at me. the most disheartening and frustrating thing about that is that i'm not a particularly frank person and it generally takes me reaching a breaking point before i actually say it. it's not like it's easy for me to tell someone that i see a problem, i don't relish that kind of conversation. i kind of feel like a person, even if they don't initially like what i'm saying, should try to fathom that it took a lot of courage for me to speak up and that i did it because i love them and want the best for them.

i know it's not that i'm just a complete jerk, because one time in particular i told a friend 'this is what i see' and she actually felt relieved and thankful that i'd broached the subject. until then she hadn't been able to admit it to herself. maybe that's part of the problem, why people get angry, because they haven't yet realized the situation they're waist deep in. that said, with my dear friend, while we'd had a candid and productive conversation it still took a couple years for her to fully get it out of her system.

what do other people do? do they ignore it when they see a loved one in a self-destructive situation? i can't imagine loving someone and standing by idly watching self-inflicted problems persist. i can think of times when my friends spoke into my life in real and meaningful ways when i needed it. one of my favourite lines from a plants and animals song is "it takes a good friend to say you've got your head up your ass". i agree with this 100%. that's partly what friends are for, we help one another along the way.

it's that important tension. finding the balance between too tight and too lose.

i want to shake,
i want to shake,
i want to shake,
i want to shake your hand.

range

i spent some time thinking about my parents today, and b's parents too. it was neat thinking of them not as parents but as people.

andy (brendan's dad) is a real feeler. he's in tune with nature and spirituality, and in general is a pretty enthusiastic person. and he's very proud of brendan.

nancy (b's mom) is passionate about the things she loves. like brendan, she loves good quality things. and she's very generous and shows love through serving others.

george (my dad) loves people. he connects with all sorts of people, but especially marginalized folks. he's well informed, interested in everything and is also pretty charming.

jan (my mom) cares about relationships. she's people oriented and reaches out to those who are hurting, lonely or left out. she's very funny, has a good sense of humour, lives pretty simply, and is very encouraging.

i'd say all four of them are pretty loyal as well. which is a great trait.

i feel very fortunate to have such dynamic, caring and interesting people in my life.

this is you
according to me.

suggestions?

joelle is 9 years old. and has recently gotten really into pioneers. last year, in grade 3, her class did a study on pioneers and has been semi-obsessed ever since. she really likes their simple, lo-fi life style. she likes outhouses and doesn't want to own a car when she's older, but instead just ride a bike. i'm really digging this, and really want to encourage her. i tried doing a search online for books for kids about how to live green. i'm not having much luck. i found one promising one, but when i flipped thru the contents it wasn't quite what i was looking for. instead i want something about composting, reduced energy consumption, exercise, local foods/gardening, home-made stuff and do it yourself ideas. has anyone come across anything like that?

teenaged

so i had a consultation today about braces. this is because of my loose baby tooth situation. i'd looked into how much it costs to just get braces on the top, and with my 50% coverage thru work it looked as though it would be around $600 (after my insurance). BUT no so. it turns out my teeth are pretty much worst case scenario. all of the moderate solutions (not the cheapest, but not the most expensive) are not options because we need to coax the adult tooth into place from it's current home in the roof of my mouth. i'd need braces for around 2.5 years and it would cost $7,000. which sucks.

basically my options are the whole shebang or do nothing. when my baby tooth falls out, apparently the adult tooth will move a little, but not much.

i'm kind of disappointed because i know i'd love to have this impacted tooth in it's proper place, but i don't know how much it's worth to me. on the upside, i could probably do it down the road if i don't do it now. i assume i'd only have to pay half, but i need to check. i feel pretty torn because in the grand scheme of things, compared to a down payment on a house or a university degree, $3,500 isn't THAT much. but from where i sit, it's a big chunk of a new-to-me car, it's an expensive trip, it's more than brendan's college tuition :S i kind of envy the fact that most people get their braces as teens with their parents paying, and therefore never have to make this kind of decision themselves.

i really liked the dentist though. part of me wants to go thru with it because i think he'd be enjoyable to work with. except he clearly thought i was much younger than i am, even though i'd say things like "i've had my job for 9 years" and "my husband and i bought a house on main street" and my age written as 32 years and 10 months was written on the paperwork. aside from that he was a super cool guy. like seriously. the most charismatic dentist i've ever met.

lately i've taken to playing solitaire on my ipod while singing along with the music on my ipod. this both puzzles and amuses brendan.

everyone has a skeleton
and a closet to keep it in
and your mine.

hypothetical

i had lunch with my mom today. she lives about a 6 minute drive from my work. when i arrived she commented that i looked taller, and i told her that she looked shorter. since we were both in sock feet that seemed very strange. so we stood side by side in the mirror and i was a good 2 inches taller than her. my mom and i have always been the same height. as she said, we've always been at eye level. how very strange. i think she's getting shorter. there's absolutely no reason why i'd be taller - people don't get taller when they're full grown. it stands to reason that she's just getting shorter with age. it's still a little odd that she'd drop by 2 inches at 66. if she keeps this up she'll be a whole foot shorter in the next decade.

i was 16 when i started living alone with my mom. joy moved out for a year in university, then came back for a year before she got married when i was 18. since my late teens my mom and i lived as housemates rather than kid and parent. this has created a dynamic of equals, and in recent years me teaching my mom a lot of things. i've often attributed this with my lack of fear of authority figures. anyways, we sat and chatted over lunch, with me giving her feedback and advise. and at the end she told me i was very wise and that she appreciated me. i think sometimes i take our relationship for granted and want to be the kid and her the all-knowing parent. but i suppose we can't both be equals AND parent+child. i'll just adjust my expectations and be gentle with her when she doesn't know all the answers... or even all the problems.

 

we see the exact same sunrise.

target

so yesterday i went for some massage therapy. i was hoping for a full body massage, but since it was massage therapy they ask you what your problem areas are and work those specifically. so i ended up having just a back, shoulders and neck massage. still it was super great. at one point my legs jerked funny and the massuse said "oh, did i hit a nerve there?" and i had to admit that i'd started to doze off. i regularly fall asleep on massage tables and yoga mats. i'm really glad i went. i get really tight tension knots in my shoulders. she gave me some advise on how to manage that.

as i drove home, i enjoyed feeling like complete mush. massages are good.

however, i made the mistake of starting my new pilates workout afterwards. i really enjoyed the pilates. it was just a half-hour, and was super conveinent. during some of the poses i started to remember the things i didn't enjoy about pilates when i took it years ago. thankfully, one of the unique traits about pilates is that each exercise doesn't last very long. now where the mistake comes in is that instead of having a nice soft and relaxed body today after my massage, my muscles are sore from pilates :S that said, my tender muscles serve as evidence of a solid workout. i think i'll try to do it every other day throughout the fall and winter. man, the internet is pretty great sometimes.

that said, i've been getting pretty annoyed at all the pornographic pop-ups on the site i watch tv shows. honestly, if someone wanted to watch porn they'd look it up. why do they need to lure people who are not interested? it's really troubling.

 

you forgave and i won't forget.

andre the baby

it seems that fall has really truly arrived. the hill on taylor-kidd has gone orange.

i've been trying to learn to like dried apricot. it's a stupid story – not worth telling. and despite the fact that i hate their texture and taste, i snacked on one or two at various times throughout my work day. i figure that after enough time has passes i'll get used to them, then eventually like them. there's no particular reason for this, other than i want to like them.

so i've come up with a winter exercise plan to replace jogging. i'm going to do pilates at home. i've found a video online and i'll do that to work my muscles. i think that's a good substitute. i'm going to start tomorrow... after my massage! i'm going for a massage because my work benefits cover massages done by proper massage therapists. i'm pretty psyched.

while i'm not a person who worries, i am someone who prepares for the potential of unfortunate things. most frequently i worry about things being stolen, but i worry about other things too. now that brendan works in napanee on tuesdays, he needs to pick up the car at KGH because that's when i do my volunteer shift. we came up with a good arrangement, but there was part of me that was concerned about what would happen if he couldn't find the car because the plan is that i'll park in a general area rather than one specific spot. so there i was fretting about this, when i remembered that there's like a 93% chance that what i was worrying about wasn't going to happen. so then i felt much better. not worrying about stuff is awesome.

on my way home, i saw her thru her living room window. it made me smile and happy. i'm glad she's well and back at home. it's good.

that's the way to my heart.

chuffy

brendan and i have talked theoretically about having a wine tasting party for quite some time. after a relaxing summer evening of sharing a wine bottle with robb, the three of us decided to set a date and just do it! so we decided on brendan's birthday, although it ended up being the night before brendan's birthday because we couldn't invite all of our friends to the wine party. since our space is small, we thought a group of 6 or 7 people would be best.

so friday night arrived and so did our guests all dressed up in their fancy attire. afterwards, someone commented on facebook that "the costumes were great" but we were actually just fancy. brendan even bought a monocle. it was awesome.

we provided the wine and everyone else brought cheese and a snack to share. brendan and i were both blown away by the quality and variety of cheeses. and although we still have plenty of cheese left over, together we did eat more than half. it's fair to say that none of us had ever eaten so much cheese at one time.

the wine tasting portion of the evening was very fun. prior to the event, i developed a score card with questions that included traditional wine tasting questions along with creative questions. these included...

if this wine was a person, what would its name be, what would it wear, what would it say, what would its job be.
if this wine was a movie, what would it's genre be.
and if this wine was a song, who would sing it.

we tasted our way through six bottles (not entire bottles, we still have wine left over too) and had a really fun time hearing each other's answers. when we were finished that portion we played a round of apples to apples with the six wines and andrew was the judge and had to pick the best based on our arguments. by that time the distinction of each wine had gotten muddled together, so we ended up just arguing based on the names. in the end, rachel won for arguing for the bottle made by robb's mom. shannon may have lost points for saying robb's mom's name sounded like a street drug.

andrew was a super good sport. he doesn't drink alcohol at all, but we provided him with a spitoon and he upheld a long tradition of tasting and spitting. he also rated the wines very fairly and didn't just say they all tasted like dirt. i think the key was when he said he had to remember not to expect it to taste like juice. very true.

the evening just flew by and we played a very lethargic game of apples to apples that led straight into brendan's actual birthday. my precious b is 24 :) i've always said about younger men... they don't STAY young. wait a second... i don't think i've ever had a relationship with someone older than 23 before. hahahahaha.

anyways, i feel like our wine tasting party has given us more confidence as hosts. i look forward to a future filled with guests in our house.

 

pour me a glass of wine,
talk deep into the night,

who knows what we'll find.

refer

yesterday on a long non-interactive conference call at work, i googled 'exercises at work' and found all these instructions on how to work out in your desk. i spent the rest of the call and morning moving my body. so much so that my legs and bum felt sore from my 'workout'. i was all jazzed and set to make this part of my regular routine, but failed to do so today. short lived plan i guess. but who knows, i might pick it up more in the future.

speaking of new plans... my daily light cleaning is going very well. it's nice because we've had company twice since i started, and because the house was already tidy and clean i didn't feel overwhelmed or embarrassed. since the 30 days of cleaning is spread out over six weeks i'm encouraged that i'll be able to adopt it into daily practise. apparently it takes 23 days to form a habit, so this should be a doable goal.

brendan started his job on tuesday. he'd been feeling pretty nervous about it, and it kind of climaxed in the 5 minutes leading up the first session. but he heldfast thru his panic and after that all tension left him. by the time he arrived home he was just beaming. it was awesome. i really couldn't ask for anything more. i'm so pleased for him.

you know... this week as i've been thinking about hope, it also got me thinking about worry. i know i've written before about how they say that 93% of the things we worry about don't come to fruition. 93%! in the past i worried a lot about the 7% coming true. but i think i'm done with that. worry really does take away from quality and enjoyment of life. 93% is pretty much an A+. i can live with that and let the 7% slide.

 

things will get better if you believe in love,

believe in hope,

believe in the way you feel.

survey

i could really go for some fresh baking right now or simply the smell of baking in the air.

it's gotten really cold out. last night when i went to bed the air was so cold that it felt like i was camping. under the blankets i was ok, but my face and head were very chilly. i don't like this. the front foyer of our house is not heated, but it does have a separate heater built in. but we're too frugal to pay for the extra heat. so i think what we'll need to do is get a wool blanket and hang it across the doorway to stop the warm air from getting sucked out into the foyer. the house was at 69 degrees but felt much cooler.

brendan and i went to see looper yesterday at the movies. it was really good. one of those films that sticks with you for days afterwards. i kind of want to see it again.

i can't believe how cold it is. i think i've forgotten what winter is like. i'm going to need to make some fingerless mitts for at home. speaking of things i've forgotten... it's been a while since i knitted or crochetted because my last project was such a nightmare. now that i've got a new project to work on, it feels weird and clumsy.

 

i don' wanna to stay...

i don' wanna go.

extract

i have many soundtracks to my life. songs, albums, bands that symbolize a time in my life. rock plaza central is the soundtrack of falling in love with brendan.

anyways...

my sister and i are very different in a lot of ways. our relationship could probably be described as tense, which isn't necessarily bad, but rather a precise dance. tension is a bit of a doubled-edged sword because it can bring strength and security – like on a tightrope for example. joy is a person of strong faith. she believes with the full intensity of her conviction. hope unswervingly. and say what you will, that has never failed her. there has been times when the tension of our relationship has been hard because the confidence of her faith has frustrated me. oh, me of little faith, who at times looks at her complete trust with cynicism. truth be told, sometimes i've been angry that her faith never wavers because she's never been let down. things always work out exactly as she plans. she's also someone who is incredibly grateful. she knows that she is fortunate.

tonight as we drove home from our thanksgiving feast i thought to myself that maybe it would do me good to trust fully like joy does. to believe that everything will work out and not waste time worrying about the what-ifs. i'd like to exchange my 30% hope (ok, maybe it's more like 10-30% hope) for 100%. i have no reason not to believe everything is going to be ok. because so far so good. and if three years ago, five years ago, ten years ago, i'd focused on my hope rather than bracing myself for the worst, i probably could've saved myself a lot of tears and sorrow. i suspect that hope would've fueled me rather than experiencing the drain of discouragement.

i wonder if a person can choose to be hopeful, or if it's either part of their make-up or isn't. well... i'm gonna try to choose hope. it's scary. i always try to brace myself for let down, so it's kind of counter-intuitive for me to let go. but like i said... so far so good. i think i can step on that glass floor and trust it's not going to give out from under me. even though it defies logic.

i'll give you all that i've got
and lay it all on the line.

locomotive

lately i've noticed that people laugh when i'm not joking. i say something with complete seriousness but people laugh because they find it funny. it's not bad. i know they're not laughing at me, and that it's probably a sign that they enjoy my company. i suppose that somethings are funny, even when they're true - sometimes BECAUSE it's true. i remember talking with my mom years ago and she remarked that i'm funny because i tell a good story. i'm not particularly a jokey person who can say a well-timed zinger, but i tell a story in a humorous way. maybe that's all it is. why i make people laugh when i'm being serious.

lately koe-koe has been super cuddly. he laid on the couch with me the other night for a long while and didn't even squirm or try to bite me. then that night he laid beside me in bed when i was going to sleep. i like it. it reminds me a little of having a dog. i don't know if this will be a new normal for him or he was just in need of some company just then.

 

wanderin' aimless - or so it seems.

superwoman

the website apartment therapy regularly amazes me. the other day it had instructions on how to clean your house in 20 minutes for 30 days. it provided a list of 30 days for what you should clean and how much cleaning (surface cleaning vs deep cleaning, etc). so i wrote it them down on the calendar and have commited to completing these tasks over the next month and a half (i excluded weekends so it went into november). i really like this plan and hope i can adopt it. i've definitely tried in the past to impliment small amounts of cleaning into my regular routine only to fall out of sync. i need a bit more structure than i myself can provide. the biggest problem i had is after about 3 days or so, i'd 'run out' (if in actuality or my imagination i'm not sure) of things to clean. i like that this list helps me think of things i never would've before. i'm very pleased. last night i got a lot done - with putting away my laundry (approx. 2.5 weeks after washing it), working on the shed and completing yesterday's 20 minute task of surface cleaning the living room and kitchen. not too shabby. the house already looks remarkably tidier and the tidiness makes it feel stress-free.

my early start to the morning gave me a glimpse of a small rainbow. it was nice. it surprised me because it hadn't even rained last night, but maybe that just makes it extra special.

 

where is your bird tattoo,

send me your blue hat.

dense

some days you take your car in for preemptive maintenance to then be told it needs $1,800 worth of work.

some days the sun shines while you're indoors.

some days you start assembling your new shed only to find it doesn't take the 7 hours you were told it would take, rather 9 to 10 hours.

some days love is not enough to repair what was long ago broken.

some days cups of tea just don't taste the same as they used to.

some days you just have to keep on waiting.

some days you've just got to weigh the options

some days you have to remind yourself that a car repair is still cheaper then a year of car payments.

some days the thought of menial household chores is very appealing.

some nights you dream your hopes and your worries.

some nights you spoon.

sometimes complaining about something takes longer then just getting the something over with.

my trouble is

my troubles aren't real.