tattoo parlor

SO!

wait.... let me get a beverage....

ok, a lot of you may already have read this on facebook, BUT i'll tell you the whole story.

a few weeks ago while i listened to GO! on cbc as i did my saturday morning dishes, i heard brent say there are still free tickets available for upcoming shows. GO! is my favourite show on CBC radio and i listen most saturdays. so i went to the CBC website and clicked on "tickets" and wrote in. melissa and i drove up to trenton on friday night and spent the evening with her parents, then got up super early the next morning so we could be at the CBC downtown TO for 8:25. we made it in really good time because the highway was barren. after accidentally paying $25 for parking we were all set. it was very neat, we were both kind of surprised by how big the CBC building is. the show was very cool, there were maybe 50 people in the audience. we made friends with the girl beside us, her name was vera or veronica or something, she was there because her boyfriend was one of the guests. "contest nana" came out dancing to her theme song and explained to us the "rules" for live radio (turn off cellphones, yada yada yada). then she announce brent and he came running out while we all cheered. he was much more macho then we expected (muscley, skull & cross bones on his shirt, militant haircut), then he proceeded to chat up the audience. the theme of the show was "backpacking" which was ironic because we were going to head over to MEC after the show was finished so i could buy my backpack for peru. anyways, he asked us if anyone was doing some traveling this summer, and a bunch of people put up their hands, including myself. he talked to a few people, then came to me. i told him i was going to peru, and we had some banter back and forth about that, then he asked me if he could interview me on the show. WOOOOOOT! i said sure, then went up to the front to join him. the show started, and well, i suppose it's best to just let you listen – i'm in the first minute and a half – CBC radio GO! the show was great, they do such a great job at pulling it together, it was really fun to see how it all works. listening from now on will be a really different experience. it was funny, i couldn't help but picture my kitchen on saturday mornings and cooking my scrambled eggs as i listened to his voice. neat. after the show they did a question and answer period. lissa and i both liked it a lot and were glad we went.

i've heard it said that everyone gets their 15 minutes of fame, and i've now had mine. although, it was more like 15 seconds than 15 minutes, but still very cool. it was nationwide afterall.

we then went up to MEC (my first time there) and i browsed thru the backpacks and decided on a 60 litre pack. i'm happy with it. one step closer!

i also bought a cute little sundress at H&M on queen street for joanna's wedding next saturday. it was only 10 bux! i like it, sundresses are reminiscent of my childhood :)

we met up with sam at a vegetarian restaurant called fresh. it was really cool. the thing that suprised me about it was that most of the patrons were women, probably 90%. sam pointed out that it IS vegetarian and probably more women are vegetarians than men. that's valid, it only struck me odd because the goat is vegetarian (pretty much) and it still has loads of guys in there. anyways, it was super cool. i loved that the salads come with chopsticks :)


we then walked up queen to the knitting cafe. i'd read about it in a magazine a number of years ago, it was started by a woman who had been doing her masters or something in law, but had a nervous-breakdown or something, so quit and opened the cafe. they have knitting classes there and a variety of yarn. great idea. i bought melissa and me buttons there that say "KNIT til you die" :D

we had a fun time at her parents' place too. they have a hobbie farm, i got to pet their horses (a mama and a baby), and i got to hold a baby chick in my hand – SO CUTE! i also got to meet her aunt and uncle who were visiting. i think they liked me because i was invited to their family reunion in july. we had some good laughs with them all.

being in toronto brought back a lot of memories of when i lived there. mostly good – i don't give much headspace to crappy memories. i love spadina, it's one of my favourite streets there (most likely because of the streetcar). i've probably only been back in TO a half-dozen times since i moved home, and i have to admit i always thought if it with a bad-taste in my mouth, in a way i feel like our little day trip there has flush the sourness away and i feel a lot better. the worst part of toronto was the loneliness, but being there with a friend changed that connotation a little. i loved driving down the DVP and seeing the valley and the trees. i love the trees in TO, it's my favourite part. driving down the DVP (under the bridges specifically) reminded me of melody and sherborne street, those are good memories too :)

my only criticism of the city yesterday was that we felt it was full of posers. people dressed to the nines putting up appearances, putting on a show. it felt disingenuous. i just wanted to tell them all "chill, just be yourself, that's totally fine". i just wouldn't have the energy to do that. it would be exhausting. oh, i do actually have one other criticism... i feel that toronto as a city has a bit of an identity crisis. it's not like the other worldwide major cities that clearly have a niche or claim to fame. i feel TO is a bit of a chameleon and just copies other major cities.

one day you're waiting for the sky to fall,
and next you're dazzled by the beauty of it all.

teetertotter

i LOVE the sound of the rain on my balcony awning. it's hypnotic.

i've done next to nothing this week in the evenings. that's unusual for me. in a way, it makes my feel like my life is very empty when i'm not occupied with activities. but on the other hand, it's been nice, slow and relaxing. i watched re-runs of the office and enjoyed a few good laughs.

my lovely and talented friend bren came in second place in an "awkward sermon" competition in geez magazine. i am the friend she mentioned in the first paragraph :S i look forward to reading her whole sermon, she's a good speaker – very insightful and wise.

jill and i have got our accommodations planned for peru. it's very exciting. i can't believe we're going in less than two months. i'm kind of nervous, but that's part of the fun. do you want to see what we've got booked? one, two, three, four, five. yay!! ooooOOOOohhh, exciting :)

my eyelids got worse, so i wore no make-up at all today. i thought i looked haggered, but atousa thought i looked younger. i'm sure my splotchy eyelids (and eye area) didn't help my perception, while atousa just thought i was wearing an orange eye-shadow.

here's a quick update on my book... i've fallen out of love with edward, and am now in love with jacob. i'm halfway thru book three of the twilight "saga", and currently haven't the slightest clue how it's going to end. i appreciate that it's not predictable, it's probably the least predictable book series i've ever read.

we never turn out the way we thought we would.

lifeboat

at lunch today we had our first united way bbq as a fundraiser. i'm on the united way committee so my job was to accept the money. i quite enjoyed helping out, it was a nice break from the mundane of my day, and i got to socialize with people – which i never do because i'm rather shy at work. i'm sure a lot of people think i'm a snob because i mostly just talk to a select few. i felt more like my outgoing friendly self because i had a reason to talk to everyone, you know? it was fun, and we raised $750, which is great!

getting out of bed is always challenging, but it's that much worse when i have a warm kitty curled up at my feet. no wonder i'm always late. i suspect having a cuddly man in my bed would make it impossible.

guess what else i did today?? i applied to be a torch-bearer :S it's not as weird as it sounds. since bombardier built the torches it automatically gets to give the role of torch bearer to 117 of its employees. what they're doing is we have to submit our names, meet certain criteria (ie job performance has to be satisfactory and we have to have worked for the company longer than a year, can't be a vice president or president), then they'll draw our names. there are 3 positions going to bombardier inc, 80 going to aerospace, and 34 going to transportation – so i'm in the running for one of 34 spots. i don't suspect i'll get selected, chances are slim, but i thought it would be fun to try. they'll assign the winners to a route anywhere in canada, and the company will pay for our flight there. i've got nothing to lose right? marilyn suggested it, she submitted her name too. apparently it's only a 300 meter run or something, the equivalent to running around a track. however, after i submitted my ballot i read on a poster that the race may last between 2 to 3 hours. i suddenly panicked and said to marilyn "what the hell did you convince me to sign up for!?!?!" but she assured me that they're only estimating that length because you have to stand around waiting for the other runners. anyways, the chances are slim, so i shouldn't fret really. i'm such a sucker for the olympics, earlier in the day i was watching this video montage from the torch unveiling event, it showed the torch over the decades. runners from all walks of life, an old man being assisted by a kid, a disabled person, someone under water, the cauldron being lit. it totally had me choked up in my cube. it was embarrassing :p

on the odd occasion i'm too lazy to write an entry, so i cut and paste from emails i've written during the day. i've plagiarized myself :p

i have to be somewhere.
now where did i put it?

smurfs

during my attempts to do things i've never done before i occasionally come across people that say "why would you want to do that?" or "i see you got roped into doing such-and-such". i find those people discouraging. i'm trying to stretch myself and branch out! i sometimes wish people with such attitudes would keep their mouths shut.

my mom asked me to show her around facebook this evening. yikes. i didn't want to do it for fear she might see something (on other people's profiles) that she didn't like. oh well, i can't protect her forever i guess. in the end of my tutorial she assured me that she wouldn't be joining, i think she didn't like it.

my morning was gloomy. but things brightened when i got an email from my cousin pam. she's fabulous :) one of my favourite people in the world. since then i've felt quite encouraged. i like cousins, they're like siblings but different. it's neat.

and i've managed to do all my dishes and put my laundry away. i'm feeling on top of things, which i prefer to feeling buried underneath.

i have this problem with my eyelids. it's rash-like, perhaps eczema. it's an annoying place to get it, it looks like poor application of eye-shadow. my colleague francois inquired about it the other day ("what did you do to your eyelids?"), i explained, then thanked him for pointing it out to me and making me aware that it's noticable :S

(to close, i'd like to share with you one of my all-time favourite quotes....)

together since the world began the madman and the lover.

glue stick

i've decided to break-up with my current crush-on-boy. he's showing no interest in me, so i can't say that he and i will go our separate ways because we're already separate. but my crush on him can pack a bag and head-out. i won't be needing it anymore. SO LONG CRUSH-ON-BOY, you've over stayed your welcome....

my car broke down today. is it still calling breaking down when it simply didn't start? i'm SO thankful that it didn't break down in the U.S. of A. that would've sucked. i'm also very thankful that my dad was able to give me a drive to work. i just needed a new battery, so that was ok, but they're telling me i need this other repair too. something about new stabilizer links. it's hard for me to know when they're being truthful or just yanking my chain. regardless, this means i can't afford to take my bike in for a tune-up, so i'll just have to learn how to do it myself. shouldn't be a problem.

i saw a dickie-dee peddle past my place today. promise of summer?

the highlight of my day was when one of my favourite people in the world declared "three cheers for the uterus that bore lesley!!" i told my mom that her praises were being sung for giving birth to me, she didn't respond to my email. i don't think she knew what to say.

i feel a tiny bit lonely.

don't you let your red heart go cold.

niños

things that i could write a thousand blog entries about:
• how much i love walking home in the dark
• how much i love spring/summer (and the summer heat)
• how much i love my balcony
• how messy my apartment is
• how much i hate my cubicle
• how much i love my friends
• how much i love my life
• how frustrating and difficult i find my life
• how late i am for bed
• how late i was for work
• how i'm totally boy-crazy
• how boys are not crazy about me
• how much i love traveling
• how i'm addicted to a current book or song
• how much i love gay men
• how thankful i am
• how disappointed i am
• how much i love next
• how much my life has changed
• how different my life is to what i expected it would be like
• how much i love music
• how change is inevitable
• how i often feel stuck/trapped
• how much i love my bicycle

till the morning light....

lingo

shannon and i drove down to syracuse today to see the postsecret exhibition at everson museum. the exhibition itself was great, and i'll tell you more about it in a minute, but let me tell you about our adventure.

• at customs they asked me all sorts of questions that i was fully equiped to answer. shan was rather shocked and appalled by the woman's abruptness.
• we arrived in syracuse (aka sara-q's), and walked the streets trying to find a place to eat. we quickly discovered that we were visible minorities, and it seemed everyone was looking at us. it made us very puzzled, because although we were white girls that couldn't possibly have been what they were all gawking at. we did conclude that part of it was due to my dreads, that was confirmed within seconds when some gentleman asked me if i was "locking" my hair. i think they liked that i was a white girl with dreads, i smiled and said "yes i am".
• in the downtown area all of the restaurants were closed on saturdays, and we waundered for quite a while before we found a sushi place that appeared to be straight out of a futuristic submarine. it was very cool, there was this conveyer belt that went around the bar and you just take what you want from there. you know how much it costs by the colour of the plate.




• syracuse was very small-townish for a city that size.
• the postsecret exhibition was great. beautifully set up and probably one of the best exhibitions i've ever seen. i'm a lover of people, and a lover for intimate details, and a lover of postcards. it will be hard to top that exhibition for me. (i'm totally blushing in this photo because the guard just told me that no photos were allowed. i took the other ones while shan played look-out).

• after that we went to the zoo. neither of us remembered to take photos there, but it was really fun (i think it was one of those things that people forget to take photos while in the moment – i have to be really intentional about it or i would never take photos). my favourite animal are elephants. i was disappointed because we passed the elephant field and couldn't see any. as we exited i said to shan "aw, i wish we'd seen an elephant", but when the words were out of my mouth i saw one! they had it in a different section near the end, we stood watching "indy" for quite a while. he was amazing.
• being at the zoo was weird, it was the first time all day that we'd seem so many white people. i don't really know where they all came from. we also discovered they ALL had tattoos. after we noticed that we came to realize just about everyone in new york state had multiple or large tattoos.
• we ate cotton candy.
• we got lost several times, they have a lot of one-way streets there, and way more stop-lights. i accidentally drove thru a few, and stop-signs :S i'm glad we had no troubles. my car had been acting up in the morning, so i'm glad it didn't give me grief. i think i need an oil-change.
• on the way home we wanted to take horne ferry across to wolfe island, but that didn't workout (we were gonna miss the 6:00 ferry). so instead we ate dinner at a classic dinner – it had a jukebox in each booth.

• i liked that unless they listened attentively to our accents they wouldn't have realized we were canadians. the US is the only country in the world where we can blend in and not be spotted as foreigners. which is important in a country full of xenophobes :p conversely, i really liked our ontario plates – they made me feel like an exhibitionist.

shan and i had a long discussion about "what is cool?". this was a follow-up to a email-conversation i had with bren. i think we narrowed it down to a few things: cool is... 1) something/someone who is counter-cultural. 2) something/someone who is bad-ass (which is usually pretty counter-cultural too). i feel excited about this. it makes everything make so much more sense to me. that's why people can also be uncool. they're uncool because they're not counter-cultural – they're conventional, fit the mould, do as expected of them. it's all so clear now! the conversation i had with bren also addressed the fact that cool is not an intimate word, used to describe people from a distance.

don't get careless,
i'm sure it'll be fine.

------------------------------------------
ADDENDUM:
this was shanno's take on the day :)

bogey

in the quivering forest
where the shivering dog rests,
our good grandfather
built a wooden nest.

photo by bren melles

toast

today was a fantastic preview for the summer ahead of us. beautiful. perfect. my ideal season. i can't wait! driving with the windows down. sleeping with windows open. awesome. when i walked out my door this morning the freshness of the season caught me like a kiss. i then sideways danced along my walkway and across my front lawn. i was giddy. summer makes me feel in love with the world.

i babysat joelle, caleb, and liam tonight. it was fun. we went to the park. i tried out the monkey bars but remembered how they make my hands burn. joelle had me go down the firepole – similar burning affect as the monkey bars, but more bearable. we went down the slides, and i tried to dig rocks out of liam's mouth. we ended up having to go home early because there was an accident involving underpants (not mine). so instead we played in the backyard, blew bubbles, played on their climber, i swung in the swing (and found my womanly hips didn't fit very comfortably on the swings). i pushed the kids on the swings (although joelle is big enough that she knows how to pump her legs herself). i liked being barefoot in the backyard with them. i always try to toughen up my soles so that i can go without shoes. i feel i made some good progress in that regard tonight. i really enjoy one-on-one (one-on-three?) time with the kids. it's important to me to have a good relationship with my niece and nephews because i grew up so detached from my uncles and aunt – mostly due to distance, but also disinterest on my dad's side. as i read them a dr seuss book at bed-time i discovered there was a lot of pages, and a lot of words. i started skipping pages, but joelle noticed and "helped me" by pointing it out. so instead i started skipping entire paragraphs, she then said "did you read all of that??" i told her i did, but then started reading ALL the words on the page. i eventually had to tell them "this book is too long..." they were ok with that, i think it was too long for their attention span too.

i had a good laugh in my cubicle this morning as i read bombardier related news. every morning, someone searches the web for articles related to bbd, then they distribute them to a group of people. i am in that distribution group. there was an article about how the bombardier designed olympic torch resembles a lit joint. another person felt it looked like a pregnancy test indicating you're giving birth to satan's baby. that totally cracked me up. read this article, it's freakin hilarious – although mildly offensive as well (pardon the redundancy :p ).

i found my rhythm at work today. that made me happy.

the way i follow fashion now
is emblematic of my misspent youth.

matrix

you make me laugh outloud.
and smile way down in my liver.

i wish it was saturday so we could run off and leave the country.

i don't think of it often enough, but i'm very grateful for my healthy body. i dislocated my knee once, i had mono once, i have mild allergies, i have heart palpitations, i've had acid reflux, i've had stitches. but i've never broken a bone, i've never had surgery, i've never had a serious illness, i've never been hospitalized. i'm very fortunate. i'm satisfied with my body, content with my figure. sometimes when we don't have major complaints we can take our good health for granted. it's the vehicle that moves me around. i appreciate it, and am thankful. i know a lot of people (younger and older) who are facing health issues right now, and it really makes a person stop and think. i've always wanted to be the kind of person who appreciates what i have while i still have it. sometimes i forget, so it's important to occasionally stop and reflect on it.

oh man, this is a beautiful song...

i'm SO gonna stay up a little longer reading, when i really should get into bed right now. but i really can't make myself care about getting to work on time. even when i know it would make me far less grumpy to start the day on the right foot.

and the yellow moon glowed bright.

thesis

so the family debate about whether or not my mom should send her photo taken beside the intercourse, pennsylvania sign in to the newspaper continues. joy and tim have pinched said photo from my mom's purse with intent, my mom is now trying to steal them back. her fear is that the paper might publish it with the caption "jan mcknight in the middle of intercourse". HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
hahahahhaa
i've told her that at the very least she needs to give me a copy for my refrigerator. she seemed to think that was a good compromise. she told me that all her friends were calling it "I.C.", and when she asked "what's I.C.?" they whispered it to her. she was all like "oh! of course, intercourse" and they seemed shocked that she said it. man, my mom hangs out with a bunch of stiffs. errr.... i mean uptight people. oh man, my mom is a lot more like me than i realized.

i really miss my cousin pamela. she lives an ocean away and yet we're kindred spirits. it's disappointing i didn't get to see her this year as i had hoped. sitting bored in my cubicle makes me all the more frustrated that i wasn't "allowed" to go to scotland. i still strongly disagree with my boss. but on the brightside, i got to plant my garden, i'm getting to go on roadtrips with my friends, i get to go to peru with jill. always a brightside. always a brightside.

he shaved off his goatee, but kept the moustache. it was the first time he'd seen his chin in over 20 years. he felt exposed, naked almost. he's taking the rest of the week off so he can grow his beard back in peace.

tell me anything you want, any old lie will do.

sasquatch

you'll never believe this, but while i moaned and complained last night about my lost hat, it was sitting on my desk buried under a bunch of papers – within arms reach! i'm rolling my eyes at myself.

SO! update on my garden. it is looking SWEET! (the only way i could get both sides of my balcony in this photo was to put it on a severe angle).

you know... i don't think this photo does it justice. one of the biggest differences in this year's garden – which was a spontaneous change – is that i've place my herb boxes right at the front of my balcony. my herbs haven't done great in the past, so today i took a closer look at the instructions, and it says to plant them in full sun. they were mostly in shade last year and the year before. so by placing them at the front they'll get full sun in the morning and in the evening. that's the best i can do. i wish it had been a little warmer today because i would've liked to have sit out on my balcony reading, i tried, but it was just too cold. the forecast is showing great weather all week, so that's wonderful, i'm sure i'll get a chance to enjoy an evening or two out there.

i'm afraid of the woman i might turn into someday. what if i unintentionally turn into a nag or a meany. rach and i were talking the other day about how many women feel a need to bring their husband/partner/boyfriend down a few pegs. and concluded it was sad, although we could see that we were both guilty of it in the past. i'm proud of rach for changing her ways. i really hope i'll say nothing but encouraging things, i'm kind of scared by how quickly sarcasm comes to my mind, even if i mean it as a joke, a guise, or a form of flirting. i'm making the decision here and now to not be cruel, biting, sarcastic, or demeaning. i really only want to be loving, supporting, and encouraging. i'm also freaked out by the movie i watched this evening, how the wife was so manipulative, controling and restrictive of her husband. it infuriated me. i'm scared i could end up that way if i'm not careful. it's so easy to see that behaviour as an outsider, what if i fail to recognize it in myself?? i guess that's where i'll really need my friends to point it out – please speak up if i behave that way!!!

i had a good day today, i'm amazed by how spending the day alone is sometimes so enjoyable and other times just terrible. i'm grateful that today was one of the enjoyable ones. i look forward to not living alone eventually – i think i talk too much and KNOW that's related the amount of time i spend alone.

we are vagabonds,
we travel without seatbelts on,
we live this close to death.

bland

i can't find my favourite green hat. the last time i remember seeing it was when i was in mexico. if i lost it there i will be SERIOUSLY upset. i love that hat, i've gotten a lot of compliments on it too. it's a very cool hat. i'm hoping that when i actually clean my house i might locate it. i had hoped to clean the maxi pad this afternoon, but instead i hung-out with melissa – also good use of my time, if i may say so myself. hmph, i'm upset about my hat.

guess what!?!?! i'm VERY excited.... i went to the garden centre this afternoon and bought my flowers and herbs for my balcony garden. i have a feeling this is going to be my nicest garden yet. i've learned from my experience of the last two summers (which were both quite stunning, except last year i had a problem with one particular pot), and feel that i have the right combination of plants and garden knowledge to make this one quite exceptional. i think the highlight of this year's garden is going to be my clematis, it's going to look fantastic climbing along my balcony railings. i'm really looking forward to that. i know i've said it a dozen times before, but i LOVE my balcony. it's my FAVOURITE place in the world – my sanctuary. i have my flowers/herbs waiting out on the back porch and i'll plant them tomorrow. i'm really looking forward to it. i've put three coats on my balcony floor, so it should be ready for me to move everything back out there in the morning. *sigh* i'm so happy :)

ooh! bert's didn't have any mint – just peppermint. does anyone have any in their garden they can splice off for me???

i think i'll further avoid doing my dishes and get into bed to read. maybe i'll go for a record to see how long i can live with a filthy kitchen :p just kidding, i'll do them tomorrow while i listen to the cbc.

i hope you're well.

i hold on hard to something between my teeth when i'm sleeping.

owls

rach and i drove up to ottawa today. it poured much of the time on the way there. we got lost in a large wealthy neighbourhood, every turn we took seemed to take us deeper into a random black-hole, but we managed to find our way out. we also couldn't find byward market, and when we did find that we couldn't find the bead store i was looking for. we didn't mind though, we just kept chatting the whole time, she's good company. we walked around with my big rainbow umbrella but didn't open it once. we liked the slightly drizzly weather. i really like byward market, i'd just been telling rachel that when i lived in TO i felt it came up short in the kinds of stores i like. i'm so accustomed to the stores in kingston and wasn't able to find an equivalent in the GTA. but ottawa on the other hand does not disappoint.


the sassy bead company is probably one of the coolest stores i've ever been to. it has such a great vibe to it, rach and i both felt quite inspired by the vast supply of beads and spent quite a while in there. one of the best parts is how each bead has it's own quirky name that bears little resemblance to the bead's appearance. very amusing, i'm sure someone has a lot of fun coming up with names.


we decided to go to the royal canadian mint. we found it easily, and we looking forward to learning where the name "mint" came from in reference to money. but we were refused entry. apparently all the tours were booked up for the remainder of the day. that was too bad. so instead i took our picture outside to mark the occasion (well, actually a random man walking by offered to take our picture on my camera).

as an alternative we stopped by the national art gallery and saw the temporary exhibition, then bought ourselves some beavertails. sounds lovely doesn't it? it was :)

we stopped by MEC so i could buy a big backpack for peru, but got there 5 minutes after it closed, so i'll have to go when i'm in toronto in a couple weeks with melissa. it's super close to the cbc building.

anyways, i had a great roadtrip with rach, not a bad way to spend a saturday afternoon :) plus i got a stand of leather to complete my necklace.

he wanted to believe in the hands of love.

hugs

there is a beautiful poem inside of me. unwritten. i will put it all in words someday. most likely a day quite far from now. i will wait expectantly. from time-to-time it will bubble to my surface, reminding me that it's there. always present, while quietly not existing.

i could go for a bowl of naked white rice right now.

the lord's gonna come in his heavenly airplane.

hepatitis

i had three glasses of wine at rachel laforest's place during dinner. my head is a little woozy, but i'm ok. it was very enjoyable joining them for ribs. i like people. she's joining me in 20 minutes for the season finale of grey's. she keeps laughing at me when i say my house is a mess. i tried to tidy it a tiny bit. i'm taking this '7 habits of highly effective people' course at work in a couple weeks, i had to do some prep work this afternoon. i had to fill in the answers to questions about what would make my work life and personal life easier. my answer for the personal life was if i could keep my house clean it would really free me up for entertaining and a clear mind. i'm interested to see if this course will help. i found it odd that it broken things down into a "personal life" and a "work life", because as far as i'm concerned, i have my regular life and work is on the side. like my life-life is what matters to me. i was a little annoyed when filling in some questions with knickers (i was supposed to consult with my manager) about what my greatest contribution to the company is. she just kept going on about how my job makes her job easier. i don't like the idea of my sole purpose is to make her happy. i'd probably have more job satisfaction if i had a greater sense of my role within the company aside from being her little protégé. she read some of my answers and was surprised to read that i get overwhelmed easily and feel i'm less effective when i feel claustrophobic. i secretly liked that she didn't know that, because my mom does. my mom has observed that about me since i was a little little kid.

--------
FAST-FORWARD 2+ HOURS
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i'm excited because in the coming weeks i'm going on 3 roadtrips.
1) ottawa this saturday with rach erb – i need to pick up a strand of leather for a necklace and we're going to do other fun things while we're there.
2) toronto in 2 weeks with melissa – we got free tickets to a live taping of GO on CBC radio (you'll all have to tune in that morning at 10)
3) syracuse in 4 weeks with shannon – we're going to the postsecret exhibit
i feel like i should go to montreal in 6 weeks just so my tour of nearby major cities will be complete.

OH CRAP! i just realized that we need passports to enter the US after june 1st, and i'm not sure if shanno has a valid passport :( maybe i can convince her to go next saturday instead. poor shame!

i want to run,
i want to hide,
i want to tear down the walls,
that hold me inside.

paper bag

there are times when i live in squalor. this is one of those times. it seems my dish-doing habits have diminished to a weekend-only activity. it's pathetic really. sometimes i'm just not very good at taking care of myself. i leave food out overnight because i forget to put it back in the fridge. i have socks strewn everywhere and random paper (mostly receipts) littering the floor. it's pretty bad, and yet, not so unbearable that i'll do anything about it.

this evening i helped out collect food for the partners-in-mission food bank. we walked the streets of kingscourt, and enjoyed the uniqueness of the war-time houses. it's neat to see how they were all so completely the same when they were built, but over the course of 60 years they've all been changed and modified. i love that neighbourhood. it was a beautiful evening for walking outside. i wish i'd worn different shoes, but that's ok. a few blisters won't kill me. i'm always surprised at how pleasant and generous everyone is, it's encouraging to see that people can be so willing to help.

the tone of my life these days is hope with a little bit of the familar. which is good. sudden change doesn't become me. it must be slow, subtle in it's approach. casual and yet suggestive. i like it. it's very peace-provoking.

now if only i could find my writing book i could head out the door to storytellers anonymous....

i wait for you.

pivot

i'm so fortunate. i have such great friends that it makes my face hurt. seriously, on many occasions today my friends have made me beam with glee. this morning while i was reading an exciting email from melissa, the knickers came to my cubicle, so i quickly minimized the window. i had this full-face smile on and she commented on it because she thought i was smiling at my computer. i think it's funny that she literary assumed i had a crush on my computer (she told me that!), instead of thinking i was up to some mischief. i just told her i was thinking about something, and then probably blushed. anyways, my friends make my face hurt from smiles they provoke. i have face-hurting friends!!! :D

this evening i rushed home from work to begin some manual labour. i got on my hands and knees scraping the surface of my balcony. then i painted it with a first coat. it looks great! and i enjoyed myself a great deal. i love working with my hands and being industrious. i think painting a floor (on in this case, the floor of a balcony) is the easiest kind of painting because you're just pushing down. ceiling painting is the hardest kind there is. i'm gonna do another 2 coats, maybe even 4 depending on the weather. i have quite a bit of paint left, and i think i should err on the side of too many layers, because my last paint job of 2 coats only lasted one season.

frig! it just happened again! i just got an email from yet another awesome friend that totally cracked me up. i think i'm spoiled with great people in my life. after i finished painting bren stopped by and i enjoyed having a visit with her. seriously, i'm very lucky girl. i'm totally gonna have an excess of laughlines and i don't even care :)

i did something today that reminded me a lot of my mom. part of me hated myself for it, but part of me thought i was good advice. i suppose i'm an apple that hasn't fallen far from the tree. as i move forward from here, i need to be careful and thoughtful so that i don't do or say anything i shouldn't, even if my intentions are good.

you know... i'm suspicious. hmmm. but that's ok, i like a bit of mystery.

you know he got the cure,
but then he went astray.

marvel

i have to admit... so far the joshua tree is not blowing my mind. obviously it has some incredibly stellar tracks, those of which i already knew, but the rest of the album i feel rather 'meh' about. i think it might be too 'gospel' sounding for my taste.

lately i've been noticing how much i enjoy making others laugh. cas took a picture in mexico in which i'm talking (while trying to keep a straight face), and david is busting a gut laughing. it warmed me from the inside, it made me think "hey! i AM funny!" i guess i just concluded that i make people laugh AT me, which i really do not mind, but it's nice to think i'm actually humourous and witty aside from my antics. i think funny girls are super cool, my cousin pamela is probably the funniest girl that i know. it's gives me joy to make other people laugh, it's a great feeling.

yogi master dennis wasn't in class today. we had a different instructor. it was kind of weird. i don't think i liked yogi master daniel as much. but i figure i'm just accustomed to yogi dennis. they both have their strengths and weaknesses i suppose.

she is running to stand still.

buds

when i was 16 i fell in love with achtung baby – i've talked about this before. it is my ground zero as far as albums go for me. however, it's pretty much a known fact that the joshua tree is considered u2's all time best album. i disagree due to my preferential treatment of achtung baby. i own more u2 albums than any other band in existence, the famous joshua tree has been absent from my collection. i've felt no need to add it, but it occured to me the other day that since it's u2's most critically acclaimed album that perhaps i might want to give it a fair shot. so i bought it yesterday and plan to listen to it for the next week or two in my cube. i'll let you know how that goes.

i love my mom. she makes me a little crazy, but a lot of moms do that to their kids. i know she tried her best in raising me on her own, and all things considered i think she did a good job. to be truthfully, she also screwed me up a fair bit too, but no one's perfect so i don't hold that against her. i don't think it's likely to reach adulthood unscathed. we were perhaps too close when i was a teenager, that made it hard to move out on my own in my early twenties. it hurt us both a lot, it was like tearing a branch off a tree – far less natural than that process should have been. it took a long time for us to develop some equilibrium, but we managed. and now i'm pleased with how things stand between us. i've learned to let some things go in one ear and out the other. i've learned to speak up when necessary. i've learned to appreciate where she's coming from (which makes it easier to ignore some of the things she says).

i "met" my exboyfriend today. we were introduced by someone who didn't know we were acquainted. i was temped to say "yes, we've met before, i know him in the biblical sense". but instead i looked at him with a smirk and twinkle in my eye because we were sharing a secret, but he returned my expression with a stone face and looked away. i inwardly rolled my eyes at him, it's been almost 10 years, i think it's time you get over the fact that I DUMPED YOU!

perfect strangers down the line,
lovers out of time,
memories unwind.

bow tie

i'm tempted to just sleep in a sleeping-bag tonight so that i can procrastinate putting new sheets and blankets on my bed. i striped it down this morning so i'd HAVE to remake it before bed. just goes to show i can find ways to get around even my own tricks.

it seems i must have taken out my mouth-guard in the middle of the night without realizing it. i woke with an empty mouth and later found it on the floor. it's not the kind of thing that could just fall out. i vaguely recall something.

i spotted him on the roof as i walked up the street. he was working up there, intently focused on what he was doing. i watched him as i walked. i kept my eyes fixed on him, for some reason hoping he'd look up and catch me gazing up at him. the seconds passed, i kept watching. eventually, he did look up, and we locked eyes for a several seconds. long enough for me to make a point. then i looked straight ahead and didn't look again.

is it just me, or does anyone else see a resemblance between little shanno and leelee sobieski? seriously, if there was to be a film representing her life and times, the number one pick for actress playing the leading role would HAVE to be leelee. hands down. check it out.... shanno – leelee.

i am not permanent.

unleashed

i see a pattern. a trend perhaps. it's the same old thing. each one goes by. they're different but i stay the same. i'm the one common factor.

as i walked over the crest of the hill i saw the most beautiful sight i've seen in who knows how long. the green of the grass, the blue of the lake. the pale blue of the sky. rich in colour. deep and saturated. if i'd had my camera i would've taken a picture of the purple flowers that surrounded the dandelions and the way our feet sank in the dewy grass.

i'm most certainly intimidated.

today is the day i've been waiting for, and it came a surprise. perhaps the best gifts are the ones that come to us unexpectedly. after spending 5.5 years looking up at those blasted stained ceiling tiles in my cubicle, they're FINALLY REPLACING THEM! hallelujah! they have plagued me for far too long. i've watched those ceiling tiles, staring at them when there's nothing else to look at. in a way, now that they're leaving i feel a little sentimental, there's part of me that will miss them. they were like ink-blots – what do you see in the stains.... i saw a toque! i will miss the toque tile the most. it struck me today how just the slightest change makes all the difference. if i had a window, i would spend time watching the outdoors instead of those tiles. the things i would think about and ponder would be different. i bet i would have many profound thoughts observing nature thru a pane of glass. part of me wonders what great musing i'm missing out on.

sometimes site meters are annoying. like when a person googles me from washington dc and i don't know who the heck they are, but they seem to know me. in times like that i wish that if people are THAT interested in my daily goings on that they would just email me. this is not a television, i am an actual person after all. but on the other hand, there's something thrilling about some mysterious person googling me from the united states capital. they're clearly canadian, because they used "google.ca". see... i'm so clever in my investigations. quite advanced :p

nothing coming down too smooth for me this evening.

taken

i much prefer dancing up york street to just plain walking. i wish people wouldn't look at me though, i'm having a private moment. sheesh!

whenever i get an email that makes me especially smiley, it always seems that francisco walks by and can tell by the look on my face that i'm up to no good. yesterday i was just innocently sitting in my cubicle responding to an email when i hear his voice say "lesley... stop that". and i was busted again. hahaha. it makes me laugh and i told him i was glad he isn't MY dad because he's gooooood.

i don't know about you girls... but i'm totally falling in love with edward from the book twilight. hahahhahaaha. i KNOW that's ridiculous, but that's part of the fun. tonight while i watched grey's i read during the commericals. i don't even care about my own love life, i just want to read about edward and bella. yes... i've become THAT crazy girl. or maybe i'm just enjoying living vicariously thru fiction. it IS my best form of escapism :p

i see that i'm oh-so-slowly slipping back towards getting into bed later. it's 10:19 and my computer is still on. i'm just so addicted to music!

i maliciously enjoy seeing people's relationship status on facebook change to "no longer in a relationship". especially when they only change it to "in a relationship" the week before. and EXTRA especially when it's my exboyfriend :p i just think people need to be savvy about these things and only put those details out there when they know it's gonna stick. it's called "using discretion".

watch it crumble in my hands just like before.

adjacent

as i left next tonight i thought "beautiful. that was good. i loved it". what a fantastic after-taste.

this is the day you know. the day i was supposed to start a significant segment of my life. it started without me. in my absence, things continued unfettered. oddly enough, i feel ok about it. especially with this euphoric feeling i have at the moment. this is good too. sometimes a person just has to keep her eyes open to discover the good that exists around her already.

i'm starving. i didn't really eat dinner because i was so preoccupied with my book :S but now it's time for bed, so maybe i'll just eat some cheese and hit the hay.

i've gotten used to my mouth-guard and i've been wearing it every night to bed. i quite like it. for some reason i thought it was a device to stop me from clenching my teeth, but it all it really does is protect my teeth and jaw. now i can clench all i want without fear of ramifications. awesome :D

i love walking home in the dark in nice weather. it makes me so exhilarated. i'm so happy that it's spring and i face another season of walking under the cover of night.

there's nothing in a world where the melody is broken.

doorstops

i'm really getting hooked on twilight. it's full of all the things i love: drama. paradox. neurosis. i can see myself getting inescapably lost in literature in the weeks to come. lovely. just what i wanted :)

it's like i'm passing notes with my mom.

for those of you who know the vivacious rachel percy, she's begun a new blog to track her trails in france. follow the white rabbit into rach's world...

i love how the knickers yaks away to me, meanwhile my mind is 100 miles away and she doesn't seem to notice. i think that's my saving grace actually.

i don't know what to say to her. it was so random. and i don't take well to phone calls. if she'd emailed me, well that would've been a different story. who looks people up in the phone book anymore. random. the thing is i would like to see her, she was my closest friend in high school and we had good times. i just don't know where to pick up after all this time.

your love was a light bulb
hanging over my bed.

music

yesterday i met a girl who cried out upon our introduction "i know you! you're JOY'S sister". that statement is like fingernails on a chalkboard, like biting wool, like shoes that aren't broken in rubbing against blisters. i've spent my entire life running from that statement. distancing myself from that identity. i tried not to be rude to her, but i really didn't want to speak to her after that, and i was trying to change the subject, but she kept on about it. i felt awkward and resentful. it's nothing against the girl at all, it's just a major sore spot for me. thankfully joy knows this, and has tried her best to work around it, to phrase things different. i appreciate her effort. however, it doesn't eliminate my feeling of being overshadowed by my domineering older sister in the presence of others. i would've thought by now i'm know by my own gifts, talents, and being, but in that instant all that i am evaporated and i was nothing again.

when i saw him at the Y i asked him how he was doing. he said "i'm a little sad, but that's life". i was kind of taken aback because i hardly know him, but at the same time found his frankness quite refreshing.

i was invited to the house famous for dinner this evening. we ate BLTs. it was really fun. i like being with people, it was especially nice after the dreary day i had at the office. sometimes i wish when i was alone that i'd remember how much i like people. if i did, i probably would be with people all the time. i sometimes have memory blocks. probably because i really enjoy time alone too :S i'm not nearly as straightforward as i wish i was.

to take the cup,
to fill it up.

sneeze

i found a ttc transfer slip on the floor of my pink room. i thought "what's this from?" it was dated sunday, november 4th from the lansdowne station. when i lived in TO, lansdowne was my station. that transfer slip is 8 years old. i have NO idea where it came from, what crevice it was hiding in. i've moved 4 times since then!

i like wearing shoes inside my house. for more than one reason. if you ever come to my home, please feel free to keep on your footwear.

i love how small and integrated this city is. i love how you can't meet someone who you don't have a mutual acquaintance with. i love how the people i know enrich my life and make it ever so interesting.

my balcony is truly one of my most favourite places to be. i'm so grateful that it's mine to have and enjoy each day.

baby take a number,
baby wait in line.

brown sugar

there's a line in u2's song "acrobat" that goes like this: when i first met you girl, you had fire in your soul, what happened your face of melting in snow? it is one of my greatest fears that someday i'll lose myself so much that my loved ones and people around me will ask me "what happened to you!?! you used to be so (insert adjective), and now you're just so (opposite adjective)?" people change. people stay the same. circumstances change us. maybe we're all just a molecules of circumstances.

i saw this on post secret tonight. at first i thought "huh", but then i looked closer and went "hmmm".

why don't we all just start a fan club. i can take minutes, and you can lead off with a witty jab.

i give it 2, maybe 3, more weeks, then i'll be ok. i'm rather buoyant with these types of things.

i feel a little lonely tonight, which i guess is why i'm writing a second entry in one day :p i could use a hug. but instead i'll brush my teeth and get into bed.

oh, life is long and hollow.

twilight

last night i went to the potters guild sale with bren. i picked up a few things, and so did she. among my loot were two necklaces (see above). one came on a black pleather string and i didn't like that so much, so this afternoon i walked downtown to the bead store to purchase a new leather piece. it was a beautiful day, i enjoyed the walk and listened to some good tunes on my ipod. when i was about to cross princess street to make my way across to the carriage way i discovered that the store was cleared out and empty. barren. sign gone. i nearly cried. i had to grab a nearby lamp post to brace myself. what is this city coming to!!?!?! all the essential kingston institutions are vanishing!! S&R, the prison farm, the CARRIAGE WAY!?!?!? i feel so off kilter. soon it won't feel like the city i've known and loved for 25 years. seriously, the closure of the carriage way is like the end of my youth. if "what'll i wear" closes i might have an aneurysm.

anyways, after that i felt so lost and dazed i waundered around for a bit with my hands in my pockets and ended up in skeleton park where i read my book under a tree. it refueled me. by the time i got home i was quite happy again. but i still want to protest the end of the era in k-town.

i was supposed to go square dancing on wolfe island tonight with some of the house famous crew, but shanno threw-out her back while gardening, so that event got cancelled – at least our participation did. which is ok, i just hope she feels better! she's had a rough year. so instead i'm just going to stay in and watch "slumdog millionaire" and knit.

it's our secrets that bind us – divulging our secrets. they remind us that we're not so different after all.

i woke up naked on the beach in ibiza in 1988.