retina

i woke this morning grumpy and frustrated....

i've put on weight and i feel huge, chunky, and my clothes don't fit right. my house is in chaos, and it overwhelms me. my hair still has 11 dreads in it and i desperately just want it done so i can cut my hair. i have a slice on my thumb where my comb dug into it two nights ago, which made it hard to undread my hair last night. i haven't been able to keep in touch with everyone via email as much lately - which i hate. i have a ton of stuff i need to do, and no time to do it. and so on and so forth, i was indeed building a case for misery.

however, i realized as i got ready for work that i'm pmsing, which probably accounts for SOME (but not much) of the weight gain. in my frustration and discouragement i got thinking about this, that, and the other thing, until i stopped myself and said "there's no point in getting upset about this. you're pmsing, suck it up and it'll be ok". i realized picking a fight with brendan is not going to help (so i won't), feeling resentment towards my job and activities is misdirected (so i won't). trying to cancel all my plans so i can run away from my obligations is unwise and not actually what i want (so i won't). panicking about my weight is unproductive (so i won't). i thought to myself "this is what the current day holds for me. what can i do today to make this situation better". so i had a glass of water before breakfast as a weight loss tactic. i put on comfortable clothes. i counted my dreads to remind myself that i'm nearly done and a saturday hair appointment is still possible. i disregarded a conversation i'd had while i was half asleep and reminded myself that i'm a master word-twister when i'm feeling demented and what i had interpreted really wasn't what was said. i've set aside some time on the weekend to tidy the pad, and have decided to strip my bed and remake it more comfortably so i can get a good night's rest. i'll just need to priorities the rest. i'm glad that i didn't allow myself to fall down the spiral staircase of despair due to pms. AND BEST THING OF ALL... i got to work on time :)

it's gonna be ok. it's gonna be ok. it's gonna be ok.

i wonder why i bother,
so much controlled by so few.