hydro

i just got word from my mom that my uncle bill died. he was one of my dad's younger brothers. there were 6 in total (plus 3 half-siblings who were quite a bit older). it went like this... (the only sister) june, george, bill, len, rick, and glen. my dad is george. my dad and his brothers had a unique bond while growing up, a connection that cannot fully be understood by those outside. unfortunately, it's the kind of thing that doesn't always translate well into adulthood and in the last 20 years distance has grown between them. when joy and i were in our early teens, my dad would take us to toronto for a week once or twice a year, we'd stay with my uncle bill and his wife adrienna (she was his second wife, and still to this day i don't think of her as my aunt. she was loud and italian, she liked to over feed us), during those years we got to know my uncle bill quite well. he was a hard man with a soft side. he could make us laugh and also cringe. the thing that stands out to me the most was his ability to bear a grudge, and what made me instantly sad when i heard of his death was the realization that he died without resolution. he's been estranged from his children for the better half of their lives. he's never met his grandchildren. no one should die that way.

i'm worried about my dad, the way he'll feel to hear that his younger brother had a heart-attack at 62. his brother who was healthy and fit aside from his high-strung nature. i hope he can find it in himself to mourn. he showed no emotion when his mother died, but this is different, its his little brother; who he played with, and fought with, and fought beside. in spite of the fact that that group of former ragamuffins have been disjointed for years, they still existed together although apart. there is a break in the chain, a hole where there was none before.

it never occured to me that this could happen, and much less that it would. phone calls are being made, plans for a possible trip to TO for the funeral. it's a little unorganized because we don't know what we're doing. we have no protocol for such ocassions. with a family like mine, that's so unpredictable it's hard to know what's kosher. what the right thing to do is, who's in and who's out. who you might offend by doing this, that, or the other thing.

i'm sad for her, for him, for them. it makes me sad to think that people allow their lives to go on with unfinished business. life changes suddenly, in irrevocable ways. i'm thankful for the reconciliation that's taken place in my own life. i hope they will be redeemed. that goodness will flow out of this sad and lonely situation.

i don't want cycle or recycle revenge.