petting zoo

have you ever felt mad about something (perhaps directed at a loved one), and as you try to explain your hurt and disappointment, you're able to identify what you're actually upset about? and suddenly it's not about the other person's mistake or short-comings. i have to admit, when i'm frustrated i quickly go to "what's wrong with you? normal people do this or that, why can't you do this or that?". sometimes deep-down i don't actually want x or y, but for that conversation i've connected x or y with love.

i've been taking care of my mom since i was 10 years old. i don't know if it was because she needed me to, or because there was no one else to do it. to be fair, my sister shouldered a LOT of this as well. between the two of us, we bore more responsibility than we should have. whether or not i resent this, i can't be certain. it definitely made me the person i am today. i have a great sense of empowerment, and very little sense of helplessness. joy and i have both grown into very capable women. the unfortunate thing about this is that i have very low expectations of my mom, and she has very low expectations of herself. sometimes i wish we had a 'normal' dynamic, where she was the mom and i was the daughter. but what is normal anyways?

i suspect that becoming a mother myself will bring me into uncharted territory with my own mom. the expectations i have of a mother to a new mother is formed mostly on observations of other families. if i expect her to be like other moms, i'm going to be really disappointed. i suppose i need to remember myself as well. just like every other new experience i've had that is hard, i know i can do this (take care of my newborn son). and i can do it without my mom's help. if i'm really honest with myself, there's part of me that feels embarrassed when people ask and i have to tell them that my mom doesn't want to be at the birth, and won't really be around to help much. but i'm not sure if that matters at all, because at the end of the day i don't need x or y. i just need her love and support, and i know she'll do that in her own way.

you shook my hand, wished me luck, said you had to go.