smooth

con•nec•tion: a relationship in which a person, thing, or idea is linked or associated with something else.

i feel connected to you. to her. with him. with them.
i don't connect with that, her, him or them.

how is that? what makes people connect? doesn't simply talking, spending time together, being friends, sharing ideas make us connected? and yet it doesn't. some connections are instantaneous, others come over time. sometimes people are bonded together thru trial or experience. sometimes happenstance or circumstance can break what was once strongly bonded. sometimes connection is just slowly lost over time, just as others slowly grow.

i think one of the most puzzling things about connection, is that it's not a two-way street. there've been many times that i have felt a strong connection with someone, but they didn't feel it with me. likewise, i've had many people feel connected to me, while i didn't feel connected to them at all. there's a lot of things at play – a lot of balls in the air. timing, stage of life, place in life, fullness of life, fullness of headspace, these are all factors. it's kind of like a door with multiple locks, each connection is like an engaged lock. the more secure locks the more connected two people are.

when i was a teenager, i had this friend with whom i had a strong connection, we were able to know what the other person was thinking just by locking eyes for a split second. and yet, there were many other ways (world view, personal style, certain values, interests, physical attraction) where we did not connect, so i decided against dating him and we eventually grew apart. i didn't realize that we were even connected in a unique way until i came across someone who DIDN'T know what i was thinking by linking looks. i still stand by my decision to remain just friends with him, but i miss our friendship. however, he totally did not get me, and i don't miss that at all.

sometimes trying to connect with someone is like trying to put on a shoe that's 2 sizes too small. it feels forced and very uncomfortable. but the thing is, i long to have connections with all i interact with. but it seems that's not possible and i don't know what to do. i can't just cut out certain people because we don't connect. i always hang-on hoping a bond will grow or regrow against the odds. but i suppose feeling a deep connection is not essential for some people, or maybe they've never felt truly connected to someone before so they don't know what's missing.

all i know is that i'm far from perfect, and i can't be as great of a friend to everyone as i'd like to be. i wish that some friendships came much more naturally. that the connection was instantaneous and long lasting. but i suppose knowing that true connections are unique, and can take time to develop makes them all the more cherishable. i think i've been spoiled with strong connections throughout my life and that's ruined me a little bit. even now, i have great friends and great connections, and for that i'm very thankful.

in the silence; it became so very clear
that you had long ago disappeared.