my mom is leaving for her annual trip to the u.k. on sunday. i thought i'd write pam a letter for her to take with her. so i biked down to murney's tower and penned my note. it got me thinking about things in my life right now and this is what i've concluded.
i'm sitting on the brink of a new phase of my life. true, i'm not like some of my friends who are graduating or moving off to new places, but i'm facing change nonetheless. they are as follows:
• moving to a new place
• living on my own again – not living with melinder & irina anymore
• various friends moving away – both short-term and permanately
• april's contract is up next friday – so i won't have any young friends at work anymore
• living room is over
maybe those things aren't huge, but all compounded i feel a sense of loss. i'm sure after a little while i'll adjust and really enjoy this next stage, but just the waiting and saying goodbye that makes things really hard. i'm not sure how to handle it.
another thing on my mind is this independent streak i have. i think its both good and bad. good that i'm happy spending by myself, but bad because i use it as a defence mechanism. over the years i've found depending on people can result in being let down. i'm talking let down big time. it was interesting talking to my mom tonight, because she's the same way. she shared with me what she's recently learned, that we need people and by being independent its denying that need. she said it more eloquently, but you get the gist. so as much as i'm not willing to give up this characteristic that has become part of my nature, i'm going to humble myself and learn to accept help from others. because i CAN'T do everything alone and there's no reason why i should have to. i've been thinking about my move, and tonight my mom asked me who i have to help me. currently i have al (tbc), but i haven't asked anyone else. i hate asking for help. i told her that its partly because i hate helping other people move, and she pointed out that's the downside of being independent – it makes you selfish. then i got thinking, i'd happily help beckie move, rhonda move, next move. i'm sure there are other people who may need my help too, what i'm saying is maybe i don't mind helping as much as i used to. i've got to stretched in this way or i'll eventually break. well i guess while we're on the topic... if you're available next saturday to help me move, i'd REALLY appreciate it. many hands make light work. besides, i can get some beer and pizza.
How long to sing this song?
How long...how long...how long...
2 comments:
i hear you - i don't know how to handle it, either... i don't think the concept of leaving kingston has fully sunk in yet for me. in a way, it's really going to suck for awhile. but i think you're right, eventually i'll get over it. i'm sure you'll be okay, too.
i also have that defensive being along streak in me... i think it's one of the things that causes me to fear the move. i like to be alone sometimes, so if i spend too much time alone then it becomes normal, which just makes it harder and harder to go out and make new friends.
anyway, i wish i could help you with your move.. but we're gonna be away for the next couple of weeks. i'm sure you'll find lots of people to help, though!
thanks girls!!
fortunately, the blazing falcons movers co have come to the rescue. i think its going to be fine. hurray!!!
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