those early days

i'm in the middle of a noteworthy time in my life. it's a really special time that i will remember distinctly. but that doesn't mean it's easy. it's mostly the juggling two kids in very different stages that is the challenge. both on their own are easy peasy. but eamon is used to daycare; to structure, planned activities, other kids to play with and adults with all their time dedicated to the collective care of him and his comrades. i'm not able to keep him occupied enough at home and he gets capital B Bored. when he's bored, he gets into mischief, things spiral, and i'm end up at a loss. to cut myself some slack, and to provide him with more simulation, he's going to be going to daycare 3 days a week instead of just 2. i've struggled with this, because for 2 years, i wanted to be at home with eamon instead of at work. so i feel disheartened and like a failure that i can't manage him full time. but brendan reminds me that i have a newborn and should, therefore, be gracious with myself.

otis is doing well. he's an easy baby. he doesn't need to nurse to sleep. being held is more important to him than nursing. and when he's had enough cuddling, he's quite content to just lie in bed awake for an hour before falling asleep. i'm looking forward to having more time with just him. he's really very sweet, and i'm trying to fully enjoy this fleeting stage, even though i'm keenly anticipating him sitting in his bumbo and using the jolly jumper.

i am, for the most part, doing well. there have been times when i've been concerned about my mental health. not from unhappiness or isolation or the absence of adult company, but rather because of how impacted i am from the anger and frustration i can feel when stretched too thin between the competing needs of my sons. i'm struggling a little because of my natural desire to do and accomplish stuff, and i'm finding that being a momma interferes with me doing other stuff. i don't really identify being a mom as a big part of my identity. as far as being a mom goes, it's more the care-giver aspect than the label or role. i want to do more things with my day or with my home that focus exclusively on my child-rearing.

i've enjoyed going out with brendan a few times lately, and we're going out again this saturday for a christmas party at a former colleague's house. these outings are so refreshing, but i'm somewhat reminded that we won't have the freedom or independence from our kids for that to be a normal part of our lives for quite a while. what strikes me is that when my kids are teenagers, and i can come and go more freely, i will be much older. in some respects, life feels like it has hit pause until my sons are older, but the reality is, everything has kept going, and i'm aging. my life before, during and after this stage of life are all distinctly different. i suppose the best thing to do is to embrace this stage for all that it is. which includes...

- long mornings in pjs

- lots of cups of (decaf) tea

- learning to make a good fire in the wood stove

- nursing

- king of the hill

- bassinets, mid-night feedings and mid-night tantrums

- prune concoctions and physio therapy exercises

- cbc radio

- robie shoes and combing velcro

- handcrafts whenever there's a spare minute

- losing hats and mitts

- feeling deep deep love