it's been nearly a week now since otis was born. i feel like its still sinking in that i got to push him out myself, which means i managed to have a VBAC. which is amazing. i remember the next day just shaking my head and saying "i've been thinking about this for 3 years".
not only do i feel a great since of accomplishment with the birth itself, i feel like it complete's eamon's birth story as well. in many respects they are the same story – one long story that started in 2013 and finished in 2016. i feel a lot more peace now, having finally figured out why eamon was so difficult to birth and why he got stuck. while i'm puzzled as to why no one identified last time that i had a low pelvic arch (it took susan no time at all), i don't even care because at least now i know. i've had to tell people so many times "they were never able to figure out why he got stuck". it's nice to finally have that mystery solved.
otis's birth also gives me a lot more peace about eamon's birth. i felt so unsettled and it affected how i felt about myself and my body. it made me feel, not like a failure, but that i had shortcomings. i feel like this birth erased those feelings, and i feel a lot more accepting of how eamon's birth went. because, after all, it was quite an adventure and a unique experience.
i love both birth stories for their distinctiveness. and i love having had both experiences – the caesarean and the vaginal birth. AND i love that it was in that order. it makes me feel like i've completed my baby-having career triumphantly.
i feel better about my body too. i remember a friend telling me that her births made her feel more respect for her body. and i felt disappointed that my first birth made me feel disgruntled with my body. i think that affective my body image a lot as well. but now, even though my tummy is soft and saggy, it makes me feel excited and delighted. i carried two wonderful baby boys in there! what a privilege.
when otis was first born, his complection was very red and his face was puffy. it surprised me, because he didn't look familiar. eamon immediately felt like mine because he looked familiar somehow. i wasn't sure about otis at first. but with time and a bath, the swelling went down, and his skin tone normalized, and i felt like "ah! there's my baby!" he looks like my otis now :)
we're managing well as a family of four. we're finding the learning curve with the second baby to be much smaller. the main challenge is to be mindful to include eamon, and give him the love and attention he needs. having heard that the birth of the second born is life's greatest betrayal for the first born, i would have to say that's somewhat true, but not in the way i was expecting. maybe it's because we're being mindful of this transition for him, but i think we're doing ok at keeping eamon included. it's actually been other folks that i've notice a shift with. one person referred to eamon as our "other" sweet boy (which felt like a downgrade in status). and when we were having visitors one day, i thought these visitors would be thrilled to take eamon to the park, but they actually just wanted to hold otis (so i took eamon to the park instead). it seems he's lost some appeal with people who would normally have given him lots of attention. that's fine i guess, since we're doing our part to keep the love flowing.
in terms of a meaningful faith experience, i definitely wanted this birth to be a thin space for me. that was something i struggled with a lot last time, after the fact. and i'm grateful that in seeking God's presence throughout otis's birth, i felt peace and confidence that God showed up. i tried to pray gratitude and acknowledgement a lot. i found that i was truly grateful for each contraction, because with each one, we were closer to the birth, and closer to completion. in general, i really felt my spiritual needs being met in my inner most being.
all this to say, that it was a lovely and meaningful experience for me. one i will cherish all my days.
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