full moon

these days life feels like a see-saw that oscillates between noise and silence. there are loud moments of chaos and quiet moments of peace. i'm glad for the quiet moments. they make the loud moments more manageable.

i'm quite sensitive to being over-stimulated by noise or touch, especially when those things are combined. sometimes when i feel overwhelmed because otis is crying and won't latch because he's too upset, i find it overwhelming to be touched. this is a challenge because eamon sometimes is trying to cuddle or climb onto my lap and it all becomes too much in that moment. it's hard because i don't want to send him away or not let him touch me, but for the sake of my sanity i need him to stop. i try to explain it to him though. i know that he might not understand right now, but i'm hoping that he might remember later and understand then.

when i was a kid, we had a miniature schnauzer named elsa (it's funny that elsa has become such a popular name, since my parents chose it because it was the most 'old lady' sounding name they could come up with). elsa was not well trained, and like many small dogs, would bark A LOT – especially when people were walking down the sidewalk. when i was about 6 or 7, we had to give her to my aunt and uncle (who didn't have kids, but did have another dog named pepper who was elsa's brother from the same litter). anyway, the only reason we were given was that my mom thought elsa barked too much. when i was talking to my mom the other day about feeling overwhelmed by the increased volume of my home, she said "that's how i felt when we had elsa". so while it was true that she felt elsa barked too much, there was more to it than that. now that i have the whole story, i can completely understand and appreciate that.

i like having ah-ha moments about my parents. it usually results in more empathy from me, and sometimes forgiveness.

while some folks have told me that there is no healthy way to teach kids not to be loud and noisy, i'm not convinced that's true. i think kids reflect their environment. we'll see...