goldfish

i'm FREEZING!

i went with my mom to the home show this afternoon. it wasn't really my cup of tea considering i don't own a home and have no plans of buying one. but i know what it's like to want to go to something but not have anyone to go with so i agreed to join her. we were finished there sooner than we anticipated so i invited her to the goat with me. i never thought i'd take my family to the goat, i felt like that part of my world was very separate from my family life, but i suddenly felt inclined to introduce her to it. it felt a little odd, but i liked that she got to know me better while sitting there. as we talked she kept asking me what i felt my purpose of my life is; what my burning hearts desire is that will leave a legacy. she didn't seem to like my answers – they weren't deep enough or profound enough. we went over it and over it, until i finally said "mom, i'm answering your question, you're just not accepting my response". ultimately, it seems she was trying to give me a sense of purpose because she herself lacks one – or did until she found one – and i appreciate her attempt at helping me find purpose. but the truth is, i don't lack one. my life is very fulfilling. it sucks if a person (any person, not just my mom) looks at me and thinks i have no purpose, but that's really just self-projection – them projecting themselves on me. regardless, she's got me thinking, and reminded me that i won't have the same level of interest in life in my 60s if i don't have a clearly defined meaning or legacy. when i really try thinking about my heart's desires a coldplay song strikes up in my head and i know all i want is what he's singing: "i wanna live life and always be true. i wanna live life and be good to you. i wanna fly and never come down. live my life and have friends around". what more could i ask for? i think there are two ways of looking at life: 1) a plot – going from A to B and the facts about what happens along the way. 2) a story – a tale about a journey including the struggles and victories, experiencing every aspect and facet. my life is a story, and my purpose is to invest in the lives of the people around me and the experiences in which i find myself. there. i should send that to my mom and tell her to stick that in her pipe and smoke it. haha ;) i guess the way i see it is that the story continues even when we're old, even when we're past the climax of the plot.

i feel apologetic that my life's purpose is not to cure cancer or minister to orphans, but it's not and i'm not going to kid myself. all i can do is be the best me i can be. i've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and i'm totally in a "sowing my wild oats" phase. i'm ok with that. it's better to do that now than later when i have people depending on me.

i had a good time with my mom today. i learned new things about her. i appreciate that we're on the same level. she's gone thru the same things i have/am and is patient with me. at one point she said to me "you're still sorting it out aren't you" with a pensive look on her face, then said "i've been there too".

have you ever noticed how similar the words "comedy" and "committe" sound?

talkers keep saying things like "you'll be alright".