in the wake of last week's conversation with b about feeling at home in my space, and me not being able to watch tv on his computer anymore, we came to the conclusion (or more likely a poor compromise) that i would get a dtv converter box. that debate felt more like a lose-lose situation than a conclusion. as i tried to hook it up to our aged television, it did not go smoothly and i lamented how nothing ever goes straightforward for me. it ended up locating two channels and they didn't come in properly (or at all really), so i decided to quit for the rest of the evening. it would've been nice for it to work out, instead of be finicky because at least it would feel like some progress was made. this way we both felt disappointed, and neither of us are happy. i suppose that's the definition of compromise.
at best buy there was a line-up of folks, boy-men, camped out outside for a video game being released at midnight. i've never seen anything like that in my life before.
over the weekend we did an activity where we found a picture from a magazine that we felt reflected ourselves right now. later we were told to find another picture that represents who we want to be. i selected a cut out of a blond girl with straight long hair roughly around my age (it turns out it was sarah polley, but that wasn't immediately apparent since the top part of her face was folded over). i chose this image because i felt like it represents who i am as a girl. just a girl - plain and simple. a bit non-descript. the other was an image of a middle-aged black woman with her head thrown back in laughter. her laughing position is what drew me to her, but when i looked more closely i saw her confidence and liberty. she seemed to be self-assured and unaffected by how others view her, undisturbed by what others may think or how others may live. she's not rushed, she's not burdened. a number of people told me that they already see me as the second women, which is good and i take that to mean i'm on the right path. but my inner self is significantly less free than the laughing woman. i get too rattled by my surroundings and in general feel a lot less peace that i'd like to. i thought at first that i want to be ok with other people's choices, but i wonder now if it's actually that i want to be ok with my own. to be able to have others in my home without feeling embarrassed of clutter or visible mess. to be able to hear a different perspective and not feel defensive or angry. to speak up and be ok with being the only one who sees life thru my own private kalidoscope. to be the black woman in a white society without feeling alienated or in danger. it's one thing to love and accept who you are, and another to still love and accept yourself when you're surrounded. i know i have a long way to go, but the woman was a lot older than me, so i won't be too hard on myself for not being there quite yet.
over the weekend we did an activity where we found a picture from a magazine that we felt reflected ourselves right now. later we were told to find another picture that represents who we want to be. i selected a cut out of a blond girl with straight long hair roughly around my age (it turns out it was sarah polley, but that wasn't immediately apparent since the top part of her face was folded over). i chose this image because i felt like it represents who i am as a girl. just a girl - plain and simple. a bit non-descript. the other was an image of a middle-aged black woman with her head thrown back in laughter. her laughing position is what drew me to her, but when i looked more closely i saw her confidence and liberty. she seemed to be self-assured and unaffected by how others view her, undisturbed by what others may think or how others may live. she's not rushed, she's not burdened. a number of people told me that they already see me as the second women, which is good and i take that to mean i'm on the right path. but my inner self is significantly less free than the laughing woman. i get too rattled by my surroundings and in general feel a lot less peace that i'd like to. i thought at first that i want to be ok with other people's choices, but i wonder now if it's actually that i want to be ok with my own. to be able to have others in my home without feeling embarrassed of clutter or visible mess. to be able to hear a different perspective and not feel defensive or angry. to speak up and be ok with being the only one who sees life thru my own private kalidoscope. to be the black woman in a white society without feeling alienated or in danger. it's one thing to love and accept who you are, and another to still love and accept yourself when you're surrounded. i know i have a long way to go, but the woman was a lot older than me, so i won't be too hard on myself for not being there quite yet.
God only knows which of them i'll become.
1 comment:
"to be able to have others in my home without feeling embarrassed of clutter or visible mess. to be able to hear a different perspective and not feel defensive or angry. to speak up and be ok with being the only one who sees life thru my own private kalidoscope."
I know how you feel.
Marlene
Post a Comment