festival

we had a super fun time in stratford this weekend. let me start at the beginning...

so heading to stratford thru toronto on a friday night in the summer has the potential for a lot of frustrating waiting in traffic. BUT my mom suggested we take the toll highway, which we ended up doing. the 407 was empty and the surroundings were all trees and a few buildings off in the distance. it was really great, much better than driving thru TO. i drove as brendan tuned our radio to the mighty q and before we knew it we were on the west side of toronto and shortly there after arrived in stratford.

hanging out with jill that evening was great. it was really enjoyable justing sitting around in her living room chatting and laughing. her apartment is really lovely and unique. it fits her and her needs perfectly. i was really inspired by the non-clutter of her place and her book collection which was arranged by colour. almost immediately after we got home last night i started rearranging our bookshelves by colour. it just looks so nice, simple and tidy! it's subtle but magical.

b and i slept in our sleeping bags on the living room floor, which is fun because it's truly 'crashing' at a friend's place. super low maintenance and no frills. we slept well except i forgot my eye mask so i slept with my hat over my face.

jill's pet-sitting for her sister's family right now. their little budgie named flash is super entertaining and i enjoyed him greatly. it amused me that spending time with a bird made me want to get my own pet bird immediately, which is normally the reaction people feel when spending time with babies. i spent the whole weekend thinking up where to keep a bird cage so the cats couldn't get to it. i love pet birds. they're way more interesting then fish. i've been wanting a bird since the first time i met aphra's 5+ years ago. my plan is to get one upon returning home from costa rica. brendan is pretty ambivalent about the whole endeavor. i've been trying to come up with a good name, but for now the working title for my future bird is 'menno' after menno simons - the founder of the mennonites.

on saturday we went for a walk around downtown stratford and visited many lovely stores, ate at a pub and got some chocolate at stratford's fancy chocolate place. while we were at the chocolate shop we noticed a picture of the staff with justin bieber. we didn't bump into him at all, but jill is on deck to deliver his future cousin. small world... small stratford.

brendan cooked us a delicious dinner of butter chicken then we headed off to see muchado about nothing. it was really great - the set, the acting, the plot. it turns out that many of the lyrics of mumford and sons 'sigh no more' were lifted from that play! interesting, but slightly disappointing since i love that song and it's poetic-ness and am slightly disappointed that marcus mumford didn't pen the words himself. another noteworthy part was when one of the central characters waxed-poetic about beards :D

during the play i started feeling really sick, and later concluded i was dehydrated. so instead of drinking the wine we purchased for post-play cheese and wine, i drank powerade. i improved significantly, but still felt a little unwell until i had a second gaterade the next day on the drive home. i think because i'm in the habit of drinking a lot of water that i easily become dehydrated, since my body doesn't retain water in reserve.

jill took us for a drive into the countryside to her midwife clinic and we got to see a bunch of mennonites riding in horse and carriage on the way back. that was neat, especially for brendan since he's a big fan but has never seen traditional mennonite people in real life before.

anyways, we really thoroughly enjoyed our time with jill. it was definitely more fun then just staying at a hotel or B&B.

 

man is a giddy thing.

melba

i had a weird conversation with some fellow volunteers at KGH yesterday. they were young queen's students. basically, they were shocked that my husband was 23 and he got married at 21. it wasn't our age difference, but the fact that he got married so young. together they agreed that 30 is the ideal age to get married. it kind of bugged me that they kind of wrote off our commitment or decision to get married because we're religious. so i explained to them 'we knew we wanted to be together and were serious about our commitment, so saw no reason to wait'. i don't understand why someone would wait until their 30. i guess that's because i don't really see a difference between living together and being married. people start living together from a young age, often without dating for very long beforehand, but WE'RE weird because we actually gave it serious thought, made an informed decision, and had our family and friends celebrate that together. i suppose that my fellow volunteers felt that there's so much they'd like to do before they get married, but (other than sleeping around) there's nothing you can't do WITH your partner. brendan and i have done more together than we ever did single. it's super empowering to have a partner - the right partner. in truth... the 'best time' to get married is whenever you've met the right partner. there's no guarantee that you'll be with your ideal person when you're the ideal age. sometimes you have to wait... like i did, and sometimes it happens sooner than expected... like brendan. MAN! i wish i'd been able to articulate this last night. next time. i'm sure that was not the last time i'll have to sit thru someone's opinion about brendan's age :p

this evening, brendan and i are jumping in the car and driving down to stratford for the weekend. we're staying at jill's place (@jill, does your apartment have a name yet?), and tomorrow night we're going to see 'muchado about nothing'. we're pretty excited. b has never been west of toronto before. i hope we see lots'o mennonites.

i ordered some new thai pants, which came in the mail last night. they're super great. i'm very pleased with them. thai pants are the most comfortable summer wear that i own. they were only 11 bux! i couldn't be more pleased :D

 

we've got a mind of our own.

twice

with only two weeks left in july (minus weekends) before our vacation i'm finding that there's not enough time to do everything or see everyone, so am kind of opting to plan nothing and just take it easy.

it seems that i'm developing a habit of talking in my sleep. last night i dreamt that a large juice box burst and was leaking everywhere, and i started talking outloud about it. then when brendan tried to soothe me i got really mad at him that he wasn't doing anything to help clean up the mess. it's pretty darn funny when i think about it now. thankfully b finds it amusing.

i've been working on this grey crochetted shrug since winter time. the first time i finished it, it didn't fit properly at all! so i ripped it out and started again. bren keeps telling me that she can't believe i'd bother, but i still want it so i'm trying again. this version is going much better since i'm pretty much completely ignoring the instructions. however, i think i made it a little too long. it seems i forgot that it's a shrug and not a sweater so it's not supposed to go the full length of my back. i think i might try to unravel it from the edge to shorten it a little.

one of my favourite things about bob marley is that in almost every song he says "it's going to be ok" or "i will feel all right" or "every's gonna be all right". it's super uplifting!

yesterday i read this news article on facebook that really annoyed me. well... it didn't annoy me so much as bother me. i find that i can feel pretty defensive about the fact that i work full time, because people seem to jump to a lot of conclusions about it - motives, priorities, etc. in this case, with the article, it really bugged me because it assumed that people who work full time are very ambitious and trying to 'have it all' as they said. anyways, i ended up concluding that i'm just a girl trying to do the best i can with the situation i'm in. i 'get' that priorities directly affect how or where we spend our time, but i think we all have slightly different priorities - although some people may be more similar than others. when it comes to how and where i spend my time, i feel my objective is to have balance. i'm never going to be able to equally balance everything, but being someone who is not a perfectionist i'm not troubled by not doing everything perfectly. i'm pretty comfortable with 'the best i can'. plus, i'm content living within my means, which usually means living without certain things ('having a little' i guess i could say, instead of 'it all'). blah, blah, blah. i'm not exactly sure what my point is. other than i was unsettled by an opinionated person on the internet, and i'm trying to sort out my feelings about it.

thank you... that is all.

there ain't no hiding place from the father of creation.

vimy

i used to hate parsnips. they're bitter and a little spicy. but suddenly i find myself in the mood for parsnips. maybe i should give them another try.

SO. we drove to ottawa for bluesfest. it's interesting when you reach the point in a relationship when you and your partner or friend or whoever, feel free to sit in a car in silence without the radio. anyways, everything went really smoothly. we left at a good time and traffic was good. we found parking without a problem and walked to the grounds. picked up our bracelets. stood in a short, fast-moving line. and were in the grounds, at the river stage, drinking a cherry slushy by 7:15.

the opener, a woman by the name of carolyn wonderland (or something) was... ok. i was a little bored, but everyone else seemed into her, and even brendan thought she was ok. no stevie ray (as she was compared to), but still ok. there were a few bands playing - like zeus for instance - who we were more interested in seeing, but it was clear as soon as we located the river stage that there was no way that brendan was waundering far. so for the carolyn lady we were close, about 15 feet from the stage. the crowd wasn't too bad, a lot of folks with chairs and people in their 40s and 50s. the location was great because we were right beside the river and it was a beautiful night with the sun setting right over our shoulders.

when she finished up and people moved around we moved forward and found ourselves 2nd from the guardrail. as 9:00 approached we could see susan on the wing, then derek arrived and brendan said "there he is". there was something about his tone that told me that his stomach was flipping. derek trucks has long blond straight ponytail down to the middle of his back - one of his main trademarks. BUT in addition he had a big blond beard, making him look even cooler. i don't know if i mentioned this before, but derek is my age, and when he was 21 he married sue, who was then around 32 and shortly after had their first of two kids. the fact that they have the same age gap as me and brendan is my favourite thing about them. so they come on stage, derek first looking a little sheepish and a little nonchalant, joined by the rest of the 10 members of the band. my goodness do they put on a good show. top-notch. everyone in the band is crazy talented and they all seem to have this awe for one another's ability. the feeling of mutual respect was very apparent. they pretty much played straight for an hour and a half. only once did sue talk between songs and only at the end when she said something like "we hope you've had a good time" or something. i liked watching her and derek interact. it was largely unspoken, but sometimes they'd whisper to one another, one time he passed her an ear piece and tapped her on the shoulder in the way a person would hand their partner the remote or any old ordinary item. it was neat. b said that derek would sometimes wink at her while they play. that's pretty sweet.

about halfway through the person ahead of us cleared out of the way and we moved up to THE FRONT ROW! we were at the front row for tedeschi trucks! i'm pretty sure brendan would have died a happy man in that moment. we were right in front of the horn section, which was great because they were the most incredible horn section i've ever seen. b summed it up perfectly calling them totally bad-ass. seriously... the coolest. grooving as they played.

it was a good sized crowd, but not huge. b thought there was about 2,000. believe it or not, but snoop dog was playing the main stage, so the crowd at the river stage were people who came specifically to see tedeschi trucks. we saw snoop on the big screen on our way out, but didn't stick around. it was getting close to eleven at that point. i felt ok when i got up this morning. brendan on the other hand... he was totally emotionally-hungover. his eyes all bloodshot and stuff. it was pretty cute.

 

roll the truth around your head.

perspective

brendan and i are heading to ottawa for bluesfest today. we're going specifically so b can see tedeschi trucks band. nancy and gerry were going to come too because they're also big fans, but can't make it. i'm not super familiar with their stuff, but consider them to be some of the most talented muscians in the industry right now. b's hoping they're still relatively unknown so the crowd will be small. we saw sue tedeschi's guitar at the rock and roll hall of fame in february. it was right beside ani difranco's. since then i've concluded they are to blues music what ani is the feminist folk. completely authentic, truly talented and totally off the grid. it's an evening gig and we'll be back by 1 am. this morning when i left for work i told brendan to make sure he got lots of sleep today. haha.

yesterday i said to b "i'm excited about our trip!" and he said "which one?". it's pretty funny that in the course of 2.5 weeks we're going on 4 trips:
1) bluesfest - ottawa
2) muchado about nothing - stratford (jill's place)
3) camping with family - fair havens (lake simcoe)
4) vacation - costa rica

a busy month, but a good month.

i'm enjoying animal farm. i'm now almost half done. i can see why this book made me mad in high school. i totally missed the point of it, but at least my anger was just. it's an appropriate response to abuse of power. as an adult, who understands politics to a certain degree, i can really appreciate how cleverly it depicts certain types of government. it's very poignant, and still relevant 50+ years after it was written.

we'll share the shelter of my single bed.

deep woods

the guy sounds like jian when i hear him speak. it makes me a little nervous, the way i would feel if our conversation was being broadcast nationwide.

i had to wear brendan's deodorant today. being a couple who rarely put things away in a timely fashion, we left our overnight bags in the car and come morning my pit-stick was still in the trunk.

i'm in another good reading groove, and i'm hoping it will last a while. i finished the poisonwood bible last night - which is good because i want to be able to return it to jill when i see her this weekend. i really enjoyed it. knowing i was nearly done, i took a stroll to indigo last evening and basked the potential there for a while. there is no other store in the world that i enjoy more than a book store. while i was there i landed on two... 1) animal farm. i realize this is an odd choice, but i've been intrigued since i listened to 1984 on book tape. i read animal farm in high school but clearly misunderstood it. i think i'd appreciate it more now, understanding it's a satire. plus, it's nice and small (98 pages) and the new modern cover is very appealing. 2) the bell jar. this one i plan to take with me to costa rica. i wanted something smallish, but not too small because i don't want to finish it in one sitting (if waiting around at the airport a long while). my plan after i finish animal farm (i'm already 15% finished it), i'm going to start on middlemarch, which i've been wanting to read for a while, to tide me over til vacation time. i once looked up a list of the top 100 must-read books and middlemarch was #1, so i was intrigued.

we had a great time at the trailer this weekend. we had our little tent on our own site and hung out in the day and evening at n+g's place. it was really fun. a trailer is a really nice alternative to a cottage, and is definitely something we'd consider doing when we're older. we took a short trip into brockville and i got to see where brendan's dad grew up on church street.

it's a lot harder to explain maroon 5 than you'd think.

are you satisfied with the life you're living?

wiggle

i dunno if i've ever mentioned this before, but i think my husband is the coolest. i've been listening to bob marley a lot lately because my cousin gave me collection of various albums. so i tell this to b and he says "is it legend?", "yes" i said. to this he casually said (as though he was full of years) "i've listened to that album more times than i can count". that man is just dripping with culture and experience. he amazes me!

the mojomobile is packed with sleeping bags, weekend gear and our pup tent as we're heading off to pleasure park for the weekend. it's the trailer park that n+g have a trailer. we're tenting. i'm looking forward to it. it should be relaxing and campy. we're going to make smores and play board games!

everytime i hear the name 'pleasure park' it seems kind of inappropriate. you thought so too, didn't you? i think there used to be a lingerie store or something in town called pleasure island. no doubt that's making it seem like an adult-entertainment campground. it's not. we've been there before.

did you know bob marley had a white father? hm, there seems to be a real trend within black musicians - bob marley, jimi hendrix, lenny kravitz.... ALL biracial! this is off topic, but did you know that enrique iglessis is also biracial? his mom was filipino. (further off topic) i wonder what scarlete and sachil's kids will look like. i'm sure they will be shunning.

 

every little thing gonna be all right.

it's listed!!!

the old maxi pad is going for $254,000.

i can honestly say it's not worth that. that's more than what we paid for the exile, which is in significantly better condition and is closer to the downtown core. i bet the revitalized m centre has increased the value for sure or at least they think it has.

 

i hope the new owners take better care of it. it needs some love, but is pretty special.

plastic

as i laid in bed last night, i felt a gentle touch on my shoulder and i opened my eyes to see a dark figure over me. i was startled. it took a moment for my eyes to adjust, and i realized it was just the curtain fluttering around the room in response to the oscillating fan.

the books that always leave the deepest impressions on me are the ones with an unexpected twist in plot. its not unlike being acquainted with someone, then learning something new and unique about them. it suddenly makes the person so much more multi-dimensional.

in the summer heat, brendan spends most of his time at home shirtless. it's kind of funny, in a cute way, because it's so unlike him. i arrived home from work yesterday to see him frying up some taters barechested. seemed kind of dangerous.

being a person of faith, from a family of faith, it's difficult for me to digest the cultural difference that exists between my mom and me. lately, i've been particularly embarrassed when she writes things like "God is good!" and "PTL" (jesus-jargon shortform of 'praise the lord') and "trust in HIM!" on my facebook profile. i feel that if i was not religious myself i would be able to filter out her comments as "that's just how religious people talk". but i can't just disregard it since, i too am religious and i don't talk that way. i partly feel i worry that i'll get clumped into the same category as her by others, when i feel we're very different. the discomfort i feel is probably how a lot of folks feel about their parents parents talking about sex. it's awkward and it feels inappropriate. her freedom of speech makes me cringe and i just can't understand her candidness, and in many cases her point of view. i find the faith experience to be a lot more visceral than that. it's not words, it's not grabbing onto a rope that will pick you out of the mud and place you in the clouds above the muckiness of life. i guess i feel that faith is more subtle than that, and as a result i prefer to be more subtle in my speech. sometimes it feels like the problem with the old adage "treat others as you would want to be treated" is flawed since how i want to be treated is different to how someone like my mom wants to be treated ("PLT jan, PLT!"). i kind of wish that it included instruction on how to deal with major differences in perspective. it's cultural, it's generational, it's world view, it's painful.

we're leaving for syracuse in 3 weeks today! then, then next day, we'll board a plane to costa rica! man, we really need to get planning our intinerary and booking hostels. with the short turn-around, we're really underprepared, but it's also kind of fun!

representing the white race...

a man with a monkey for a face.

poisonwood

sometimes in summer i can't decide what to wear because nothing is just quite comfortable enough in the heat.

lately it feels like i'm constantly saying stupid things. as thought out of my mouth comes half-baked thoughts that make me sound hateful, arrogant or narrow. it bugs me. it makes me worry that i'm becoming someone who makes other people cringe from her incomplete sentences and off-hand comments.

sometimes brendan and i eat chocolate in the living room.

lately i've been wiggling my baby tooth while watching the tv. it makes me feel like i'm nine years old. my baby tooth is gonna fall out eventually, so why not help it along. i think i'm going to have to get braces to pull the adult tooth (which currently resides in the roof of my mouth) into place. no sense in delaying the inevitable when the inevitable will be better – a properly functioning left-side of my mouth.

sometimes i don't feel connected to myself if i don't make time to write.

the whole world is made of one unbroken line.

byward

it was a lovely lovely long weekend.

shanno and i went swimming at grass creek park then went raspberry picking at food basics. on sunday we (all of use who live at 79 main street) drove up to ottawa to spend canada day in the nation's capital and visit with john and joanne. the whole day went really smoothly. the crowds weren't too bad, our wait at a resturant wasn't very long, and we found a spot on the hill with enough space to sit on the grass. the only problem was that when the fireworks went off the peace tower blocked the view.

i found 10 bux in the washroom at the diner. i spent $2.50 of it on a sundae at mcdonald's yesterday.

our garden is starting to get really big and lush. we have a cucumber on the vine the size of a large pickle and several small green tomatoes. it's super fun watching everything grow. and for dinner, brendan cooked some pasta with swiss chard in it. i can't wait to make salsa!

the long evenings are amazing. i remember YEARS ago, when i lived on pine street and my housemates were away, i made salsa and watched the first harry potter movie on tv. it was the first harry potter flick i'd ever seen, and was surprised to discover it wasn't actually satanic. (turns out brendan read the other day that the rumours that HP was evil was started by the onion - a comedic fake news website). anyways, ever since, when the day is warm, but not too hot, and i'm in my nighty, the mood strikes me to watch HP and eat salsa.

man, i love this season.

words are like a lasso.

code

the neatest thing happened yesterday when i was visiting at the hospital. turns out one of the patients lives on my street and we had a long conversation about the neighbourhood and the big renovations being done at the house on the corner. it was really fun and i felt connected to her in a new way. oh main street ;)

recently, new friend brenda bought my old house on pine street and moved in two weekends ago. i lived there with melinda and irina for 2 years. we all loved that house. it's cool and also kind of strange visiting it again. when we went to her open house, i showed brendan around and found that my hands naturally went to the light switches. it was neat seeing a few items left over, like a coat rack, key rack and soap dispenser. i wish brenda many happy years there.

oddly enough, bethany dropped off some news for us from york street (i'm noticing a reoccuring theme, that i keep moving to streets with four letter names). while we had a short visit, she told us that our old landlord is selling the place. i was really surprised. he hasn't owned it that long. it's a neat place, but it needs a lot of work. i wonder if he bit off more than he could chew. especially since he lives in toronto. i keep checking MLS because i want to see how much he's selling it for. bethany thought it was $140, but that can't be right, i'm certain he bought it for $150.

 

saw it written and i saw it say.

squid

today is our 2nd wedding anniversary!
our 'cotton anniversary' according to tradition :)

this evening after my shift at the hospital, we're going to woodenheads for supper and in a few weeks we're going to see muchado about nothing with jill in stratford.

we both feel pretty fortunate and grateful for the last two years. it's been a pretty enriching experience. it's crazy to think we bought a house this year, it was quite unexpected. i think it's fair to say that both our first year or marriage and our second year were very full and very significant times for us. i know it won't always be this way, there will probably be years down the road when nothing particularly noteworthy happens, but that just makes these first two years so special.

it's funny, even though two full years have passed since our wedding, i still feel relieved that wedding planning is behind us. i wonder if that feeling will ever go away. i kind of doubt it.

before we got married we decided to start a brendan+lesley journal that we'll write in every year around the time of our anniversary. kind of like a written time capsule that we'll be able to read in 50 years. i updated my portion last night. in hindsight, i didn't write enough about our house, but just gave it a quick mention. i wish i'd written about it when we first bought it, because it was a big deal at the time, and now i've grown accustomed to it. anyways, the interesting thing about being about to see our relationship written in ink is that there's a noticable difference between now and then. i like watching the maturing and the development. it's almost embarrassing to read old entries. i'd forgotten a couple things and other things were a struggle then but are not now. that's the thing about writing, when you read it later, it seem just as real as when it was written.

anyways, it's been a real adventure, i'm excited about this next year too! we're going to costa rica in july+august, we're hoping to go to greece+turkey next spring, and brendan will graduate from college and start looking for work. looks like it will another interesting year! i'm super grateful that brendan is my partner. i had another dream last night that for some reason brendan and i couldn't be together and it was super crappy (usually i dream that i'm being forced to marry someone else, but it was something else last night). i'm glad it was just a dream. when we had pre-martial counselling with devona, she told us "marriage is just companionship with a bit of sex thrown in". i'm super thankful that brendan is my companion.

 

shadows grow so long before my eyes
and they're moving across the page.

deputy

skeleton park music festival has come and gone. i love hanging out in the park all day. it stinks that it's a whole year away until the next one. i can think of very few things i'd rather be doing with a saturday. the weather was great. the music was diverse. the conversation was enriching. all-in-all it was a super day. i especially enjoyed that we live so close to the park now.

in continuation with my de-clutter initative, i started re-arranging our bedroom yesterday - while brendan was taking a nap on the bed. he wasn't particularly thrilled with me, and even now i don't think he really understands why i bothered. however, i think it's an improvement. i consider floor space valuable real estate in our 560 sq. ft home. any time when i can see more of our nice wood flooring is a good thing. i've also been collecting a pile of things to donate to the next church freedom sale in a few weeks.

after seeing 'no impact man', i decided to look into alternative energy. first i looked into bullfrog, and found it wasn't the best fit for us. then i did a search to see if anyone in ontario is offering free solar panels. i saw something on the rick mercer report about it once. companies are installing them on residential houses for free, then making a profit by harvesting energy. it's pretty much a win-win situation. i ended up finding one (www.grasshopperenergy.com). i filled in an application and just heard back that we've passed the first qualification stage. if we get approved, they will install them free of charge, then rent our roof for a fixed rate for 20 years, then afterwards we'll own the panels. it's hard to say what solar technology will be like in 20 years, but most furnaces and major appliances are intended to last that long. the only downside is that we won't be able to use any of the energy we generate (some companies let you use the solar energy as part of the arrangement). but i guess with the extra money we could reconsidering bullfrog. it's funny, when i was checking the rates with bullfrog, it had different classifications along with their sq. footage. they have a bachelor apartment listed at 800 sq. ft. hahaha. our two bedroom house is smaller than that. our place is tiny, but i love it :)

 

if grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.

open doors

if things weren't already very confusing... i have a new friend named brenda. so now i've got a bren, brendan and a brenda. i hope you'll be able to keep everyone straight. SO, that said, last night, scarlete, brenda and i went down to market square to see grease. we sat on the warm ground under the starry sky sharing popcorn and other snacks. it was fun. i've been meaning to get together with brenda for a while now, so it was nice that we finally got the chance to chat. it was scarlete's first time seeing grease. which is always fun to experience a friend's firsts. that was only my second time at market square for a movie. i'd really like to go see edward scissorhands in a few weeks. anyone interested in coming with me? i didn't get home til 11:30, but it didn't start til after 9.

i'm pretty excited about skeleton park music festival tomorrow. plus, beckie is coming down for it, which will be great. i'm looking forward to sitting on a blanket all day, people watching and enjoying music.

thankfully my dad seems to have gotten over the insult of me turning down his miracle grow offer. he stopped by yesterday and remarked on how well our garden is growing. when i was talking to him the other night i mentioned marlene's suggestion of compost tea. i suspect that once the dust settled in his mind he was excited about the thought of compost.

sometimes, while in the moment, those moments seem like a really big deal. it's good to be outside the moment and to be able to tell someone 'don't worry, it's going to be just fine. things will work themselves out' and to know that to be true, even if they're not as certain. i'm pretty grateful that i'm at peace with all matters of the heart. i can see why my friends seemed so calm compared to me for all those years. oh, the things i'd tell my younger self ;)

you walk on the sidewalk so carefully steppin'.

roof

did i mention that i went to the doctor's about my eye problem? it turns out it's not eczema, but some kind of rash thing. she gave me a prescription for when it gets bad again. in the meantime she told me to keep using my olive oil mix to keep it moist. since then i've actually started using this beeswax hand cream, and that has really been helping keep it under control. that said, from time to time my eye is still a little runny. because of all this eye business i've kind of stopped wearing make-up. i found that eyeliner was usually wiped off within the hour anyways, but it saves me time to not have to put on make-up in the morning and i'm finding that my face looks cleaner and younger. i still use concealer under my eyes, but that's it.

my dad called last night and offered to pick me up some miracle grow. i politely declined his offer, and he got really mad. i knew he would. he literally seemed offended. i explained to him that i did some research into it and we've decided to use other non-chemical options. it's stressful when things like that happen. but i think the thing that bothers me is when people don't give me the benefit of the doubt that i've actually weighed my options and come to an informed decision. brendan didn't understand why my dad was so invested in our garden. and while that is how it seems, i don't think it's that exactly. it's more that he's really excited about miracle grow, just as he is about costco and eating at the base. i think it's just disappointing for him when others don't appreciate the things he is excited about.

i wouldn't be surprised if frank up a quits some day. i half expect it before the end of this year.

we weeded the garden last night. afterwards my fingers were sore and dirty. i don't mind the dirt. it makes me feel connected with the earth.

 

let's tarnish the silver.

beeswax

we had a firedrill today at work, and as we stood around at our muster stations i noticed this one lady looking at my unshaved legs. it was awkward, because i haven't gone bare legged at work very much because it feels weird. as i thought about that, i considered the paradox that it's ok for women to wear short mini skirts but not ok for women to not shave their legs. strange double standard. anyways, after that moment of my colleague assessing my legs, i decided that i should take a position of pride in my legs. if i'm proud to show them off then i won't care what people think. it's still extremely awkward for me - obviously or i wouldn't blog about it so much - but i stand by this conviction.

while clearing out the top drawer in my dresser the other day (a practise i have had to do repeatedly throughout my whole life), i came across a necklace that my father-in-law had given me a number of years ago. i'd forgotten about it. it was the companion piece to brendan's pocket watch, with the celtic hands+heart symbol (which i'm sure has a name, but i don't know it). i really like it. it's quite long and it reminds me of joan harris from mad men, because she always wears these long long necklaces. not that i'm like joan. she's a sexy lady and any comparsion with her ends with my long necklace. the fact that it's long is quite a departure for me, since most of my life i've preferred chokers. i'm enjoying this new accessory.

the exile stays nice and cool in the hot weather. while i haven't been finding that i miss my old balcony, but i do find that i wish i had a shady area outside. our front porch is in full sun, and it's simply too hot to sit out there at the height of the day. it's ok though. sitting in the cool den, with the curtains blowing from the breeze, more than makes up for it.

 

if God's on your side, then who's on mine?

saccharin

the flame burned my fingers.

today's patients were a lot more work than usual. no one was feeling very chatty, so it was like pulling teeth to get them to chat. tis ok, i'm sure next week will be smoother. sometimes it seems like i have more in common with old folks than my own peers. we have the same hobbies (knitting, reading, traveling), care about connecting with people in small but meaningful ways, and we have pets to keep us company. i wonder if i'll still enjoy old people when i'm old.

i'm on a raspberry kick right now. i could just eat a bunch and not grow tired of them. i'm so happy that it's berry season.

sometimes i talk in my sleep. it's one of those things that you don't realize that you're doing it until you realize that you're doing it. apparently i was talking a lot last night until brendan interrupted me, so i snapped back at him "i'm talking to my dream", then rolled over. the thing i find amusing about sleep-lesley is that she does unpredictable things and she's quite funny.

i'm here, but i'm not all there.

rooster

the declutter project continues at the exile. i'm very pleased. fewer things makes life much simpler. i organized the china cabinet and actually put things like wine glasses in it instead of using it as a dumping ground. and i moved my computer chair to the basement because since living here i never use it. i always just sit down on the arm of the loveseat. things are going well and i think having fewer things makes it easier to keep tidy.

tonight we watched a documentary called no impact man. it was about a family who were committed to going completely off the grid and living in a way that makes no negative impact on the environment for one year. it was pretty cool, and i liked how balanced it was because his wife was super reluctant, but on board. she helped provide another voice in the discussion. i found it to be a very inspirational film. i think there are really simple things we can do but just don't. i really liked that for the six months that they were sans electricity they used beeswax candles for light. it made me want to do things like use candles in the evening. so right now i'm in the den that is lit by a candle and my computer. no need for electric light :)

i've been thinking a lot today, reflecting on the fact that things like living sustainably is a process. am i'm so glad and thankful that we don't have to suddenly wake up one day and be off the grid, but can make new decisions every day. i like that once we adjust to one step then we're ready to make another step. right now brendan and i are still struggling to not be wasteful, but i'm hoping that once we get the hang of that we can move on to low impact sources.

fireflies are so awesome, and i just don't think we see enough of them. they're too cool for school.

your love always seems to find me.

off centre

ok! so.... i did some research on miracle gro, and now have an answer for my dad the next time he asks "i don't think we're going to use miracle gro on our garden. i did some research into it and it's a chemical fertilizer, and we're not comfortable putting that on our plants because it's going to turn into our food". the stuff is fluorescent blue for pete's sake! blue is not an edible colour.

we're babysitting joy and tim's kids this evening. it should be fun, i'm looking forward to it. we haven't babysat in a while, and the kids are all at really great stages. i might forgo diaper duty in favour of brendan taking a turn. he's never changed a diaper before. i think this is a basic life-skill that one should be able to do. convincing him of that might be more challenging. he's not opposed to it, but he'd probably be happy putting it off as long as possible. sooner or later, he'll have to change audrey's bum, so there's really no putting off learning.

 

sometimes i wish i fulfilled my own definition of a being a good person. and yet i always seem to fall short.

 

a sliver of smoke pokes a hole in the ozone.

agave

when we bought our house i started searching online for websites that gave tips for maximizing space in a small home. it was kind of annoying because all the examples of 'small' homes were still big. the mostly featured loft-style living where everything is in one room. i eventually found a site called apartment therapy and soon became a subscriber via facebook. today an entry caught my eye about how not to be a hoarder. while i'm not a HUGE hoarder compared to many, i do tend to hold on to things because often when i get rid of stuff i find myself in a situation where i need that exact thing. so i keep things 'just in case'. but the website really gave some valid advise on how to make things uncluttered, and i'm very keen on that. so at 8:30 i got cracking on the den, then soon moved into the living room. i'm very pleased with my progress. and while i did set a few things aside for giving away, i mostly just got more organized. i've found the tip about not storing things under furniture the most helpful. i always thought it was a good use of space, but the article said it just makes things look messy. and i have to admit, having moved the baskets i bought for storage under the coffee table, i now agree. funnily enough i found that the baskets were mostly empty anyways. now i just need to make sure that the new open space doesn't get filled with more stuff. that will be the biggest problem.

my dad keeps insisting that we use miracle grow on the garden. i'd just do it get him off my back about it, but brendan doesn't want to, and i haven't mentioned it to andrew and shannon yet. i suspect that it's like steroids for plants, and i'll have to find a way of telling my dad that we want our garden to be organic. he's pretty opinionated, but usually forgets later on. most things he tells me he changes his mind later. like this one picture of me and brendan, he told me that it makes us both look really old, then later told me what a great pic it is. he also told me not to get a picnic table but to get a patio set, but then later when on and on about how nice our picnic table is :S oh well. it would probably be character building to assert myself.

with the torches in our hands we will reduce it
to the ground.

brassiere

i seem to be having an allergy attack on the left-hand side of my face.

my left eye is itchy, my left nostril is stuffy and the left side of my throat is tingly. weird. perhaps my right-brain is trying to get my attention.

last night, when on my rounds at the hospital a nice little old lady coughed right into my mouth. i'm not even exaggerating. she was hard of hearing so i was leaning in really close so she could hear me when she coughed and i felt her breath enter my mouth. she was my last visit, so i gargled with listerine when i got home. i hope my multi-vitamin will help fend off her germs. i had seven visits last night, a record high. i was surprised to discover that one woman, who is 97 years old, was 10 years older than her husband. i was excited to hear that. it's nice coming across people who i have that in common with. it's pretty unusual for her generation. she said "people used to say i'd robbed the craddle". people have said that about me too. clearly not a lot has changed in 54 years.

our garden is really starting to sprout. it's hard to tell what's a weed and what's a seedling.

one of my favourite things about living on main street is that i can just slip on my boots and run up the street to rachel's place for a cup of tea. it reminds me of living on clark cresent and having all my best friends a stone's throw away. it makes life feel simple.

 

what we need is not for sale.

penny

i'm super excited. brendan and i booked out trip to costa rica last night. i've been watching the prices fluctuate for a couple week, and have been playing around with dates. we were ready to book last weekend but i had to check with emma. thankfully we didn't book then because the price dropped significally over the course of a week. we totally lucked out. our saving is almost equal to one flight. i'm really thankful because we're hoping to keep this trip as inexpensive as possible. i'm also aiming to make this my lightest luggage. i have a habit of taking things 'just in case' but then never needing them. each time i make my load lighter so i see that as progress. since this is a summer trip, going to a summer destination, i think i can pack pretty light and just carry-on my backpack.

man it was a restful weekend. i love that it stays light out until 9. it makes the evening feel slow and gives me that peaceful feeling that life is in the present that there's no place i need to be. that's perhaps my favourite feeling. i took off our winter duvet and replaced it with a summer bedspread. i like how much less bulky it is. it makes the room feel simple, instead of cluttered. there's no doubt about it, i love this season :)

left canada for baptist couches.

ticonderoga

after seeing a poster for an allergy study at KGH i enlisted. they're doing a cat allergy study right now, to which i am not allergic. but they had me come in for a skin test so they'd have my allergens on file for future studies. i had to fill in a bunch of paperwork, then we were ready to go. they wrote numbers on my arm then pricked me with a plastic needle. the method was slightly different to when i had my allergy test in 1996, i was kind of impressed. anyhow, at first there was nothing visible, but i had an itchy sensation. after 15 minutes i had 5 distinct bumps on my arm. it confirmed that i am allergic to birch trees, which i knew, and they had something called "tree mix" which i guess is several different kinds of trees in one that i also reacted to. the two surprises were the dust mites, very interesting/good to know. and the last one was the postive control that serves to confirm that i am in fact reactive and not immune. i should receive a cheque for $25 in the mail in a few week for my participation :)

i've been listening to one of meg's albums at work today. i like that listening to them in a controlled setting (as in with headphones without distractions) means that i get to hear more of the lyrics and it makes me feel like i'm learning more about her from the days before we met.

 

you'll be alright in a while.

dis

it's funny, it's been less than a week since my intern completed her placement, and it already feels like ages ago. i've already forgotten what that was like. sometimes my memory is ridiculously short. often times when brendan and i argue i forget what was said minutes ago, even seconds. this short-term memory lapse is a strange bedfellow of my steal-trap of a long-term memory.

i had a great time at the hospital last night. i visited with 3 men and 1 lady, for a half hour each. they were all really different, and i enjoyed spending time with each of them. the lady was super cute, oh my goodness. shannon would've loved her. when i came into her room she was sitting there eating a homemade sandwich and a cup of tea :) and we talked all about her pets. one of the men was a sad case. he was nice, but spoke openly about wanting to end his life. this did not surprise me because, believe it or not, the highest risk group for suicide in canada are widowers over the age of 70. they all seemed to enjoy my company, and i hope that their day were brighter after having a visitor.

aside from that (which was the higlight of my week so far), i've been feeling a little bent out of shape lately. i've been super sensitive and oddly aggressive. i hope it passes soon. that i'll soon be bent back into shape.

 

i could really go for a oreo cookie.

no unobstructed views,
no perfect truths.

tank

since we moved into the exile i've been waiting for a rainy weekend to unpack our basement. things were more or less dumped in random places for lack of time and simply left there. the damp basement (not helped by our inability to figure out how to get the dehumidifier to work) slowly decomposed cardboard boxes and was in danger of causing unwanted mold. so thankfully it rained on saturday morning and we had nothing else to do but be productive. after getting the car rust-proofed, we picked up some palettes and set to work in the basement. not only did we get it organized, we bought a hose for the dehumidifier and have managed to get it working. the humidity has dropped and the temperture has risen. i'm extremely pleased. on the first day i went down to admire it about once an hour. now i go to check on the drying floor about twice a day. all in all it was a pretty productive weekend.

i wonder if jordin's given birth yet. b and i have been sitting on pins and needles since last night around 9:30 waiting for the latest news. whenever our friends give birth our whole community is eager for info. word tends to spread slowly as social media falls very low on the priority list. so i will wait patiently as in days of old, hoping for an update from the lady who lives upstairs.
 
lost in a maze of a thousand rainy days.

blah blah blah

lately i've started to notice that brendan's becoming something of a bed-hog. i find this very amusing and don't mind at all. often i wake up in the night to find myself squished between b and the wall with only enough room for my body.

man, this not shaving my legs thing is working out really well. it saves me so much time. i now get into my STANDING UP shower (as opposed to my sit down one at the old place) wash my hair, do a quick scrub with some soap and am out in no time. i shower almost as quickly as brendan now! i feel like not shaving is revolutionizing my life! i still go thru phases when i find the hair weird and other times when i don't. i do wish it was lighter though. even a brown colour would be nicer than the current black.

from the corner of my eye that lady looked like a flintstone's character. simply how she walked. it was just like betty!

woken from the dream by my own name.

bistro

sometimes when i feel like we've seen the worst, things get even crazier. a few evenings ago brendan and i sat at our respective computers reading off excerpts from news articles to each other about the naked man who ate another naked man's face on a highway on-ramp, and about the severed foot that was delivered to parliment. like that's effed up. interestingly enough, i listened to a news program last night on the cbc about this new drug called 'bathsalts' that they suspect the now dead naked guy was on. they were talking about how dangerous, addictive and how concerning it is. all i could think is if i was a drug user, the thought of eating another person's face would be enough to keep me far away from that drug. that disturbs me greater than the possibility of ODing.

well... for a complete change of pace....

brendan and i have started making our summer plans. and crazily enough the weekends are filling fast and we have only a couple left for just hanging out at home. we're getting close to booking our trip to costa rica, but more immediately... we've made plans to go visit jill in stratford and take in a play. it's funny because rachjill and i talked about us lorimers going to visit jill in stratford months ago, but we didn't talk about whether or not we could stay with her or not and i didn't want to be presumptous. so last night we looked into hotels and afterwards pretty much decided we couldn't afford it :S so we started working on a plan B. as we sat out front with a pen and paper jase walked by and said "whatcha working on?" so i told him our budget. he told us that jill would probably be happy to have us, so stratford was back on the table. within hours we'd made plans with jill to camp out on her floor. i'm super excited. wooh!

under a perfectly blue sky.

dehumdifier

this morning at work there was a big celebration marking the 20th anniversary of bbd in ontario. it was the kind of event that filled me with company pride – and let's face it... company loyalty. i found myself verklempt on more than one occasion. it's nice to be part of a big picture and to feel that i'm part of creating positive change around the world. sure, it's a different kind of change than those fighting poverty and injustice, but we provide a service and a product that increases the quality of life for millions of people. in a few years, our transit system will cut two hour commute times down to 50 minutes, and bring jobs to people living in favalas. considering all the for-profit companies in the world... i'm fortunate to work for one that i believe in. all this made me think about celebrating the 30th anniversary :)

day two of volunteering at KGH went very well. i had lengthy conversations with 4 people and helped 2 with their dinner (fixed their tea, encouraged them to eat, etc). i felt encouraged that i'm learning the ropes. last week i found the breaking the ice part the most awkward, but today it was much easier. it's nice that i start right after work and am finished by 6:30. that still leaves me my entire evening.

my new earrings arrived in the mail today. she sent me two for some reason, but i'm glad because they're slightly different from the other pair. they're more edgy. they also seem to have a better clasp system. my old earring never re-appeared.

our sprouts are really sprouting! it's so fun!

he'll look around the room, he wont tell you his plan.

abstract

when i was in grade 4, my family and i took at trip to england for christmas to celebrate my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary (they're anniversary was december 14). of all our many trips to the UK, this remains one i'm especially fond of. pamela still says that her favourite christmas was the one when my dad and uncle leslie (my aunt married a man named leslie after i was born) were there. when my mom came over on saturday she brought with her my journal from that trip. i'm glad she passed it on to me, i was always fond of that journal. sitting reading it yesterday afternoon i was quite stunned by what i stumbled across. it was just a normal journal entry, talking about what we'd done that day, but tagged at the end it said "aunt eileen and uncle david came over so we turned on the tv. the plane crash was on again". we were in england at the time of the lockerbie bombing. it's interesting that while i didn't understand the broad scope of that event, it did make an impression on me, enough that i mentioned it in my journal. that experience was the first world event that i was aware of. it awokened me to the bigger picture.

lately i'm finding that i'm listening to music less often, and instead enjoying the sound of my surroundings. on friday night, i sat on the floor of our den, re-stringing a broken bead necklace as the breeze blew in thru the open window and made the curtains dance around. it was so peaceful. sometimes it scares me when the things that used to filled my time, space, head, are no longer what i'm drawn to. it makes me feel like i'm losing myself. but i suppose it's just me evolving into a the latest manifestation of me. i suppose that maturing means changing. the things that defined my 20s will not be the things that define my 30s.

only the sound of chewing in the room.

cents

it seems to me that good music puts me in the mood to write. even when i don't have anything to say.

our front lawn is about 24 ft wide and 10 feet deep with steps to the house in the middle. it's a small yard, but we've converted it into a large garden. with andrew and shannon, we plotted out the garden in advance. even on paper it looks awesome :) it's funny because right now the garden still just looks like dirt, but soon the seeds will begin to sprout and it will start to resemble a proper garden. unfortunately, the flowers are super wilty right now. i really hope that improves because i want them to thrive and take over the space.

i think i've mentioned before that i have eczema on my lids. over the weekend i had a massive outbreak and it left my skin all puffy and swollen. my eyes were all runny and sensitive to light. i made an appointment with my doctor for today - after a bunch of my colleagues were like "oh wow, what's wrong with your face!?!?!". it cleared up by mid-week and now i have a doctor's appointment regarding perfectly healthy skin. hmph. oh well, i suppose i can go and they can give me some ointment or something.

things with my intern have gotten steadily better. i think i'm getting used to her and she's becoming more independant. i had to do her placement evaluation yesterday so she could send it to her teacher in order to graduate this june. it was a little awkward because i've never evaluated someone before. their rating system is different to (and in my opinion less constructive than) the rating system we use at work. i decided to use our system. in the end, i'm pleased with what i did and feel that i was tough but fair. not hugely tough, but i didn't just give her 100% on everything. it's not very helpful to students if you don't show them what their strengths are and where they still need to develop. i feel this whole experience has really given me a greater appreciation for my boss and what it's like to oversee other people.

sometimes i'll hear a song that i associate with a specific time of my life, but suddenly it applies to my current sitation so, so well.

my love is a bell,
it won't sing unless you ring it.

screens

it's funny how sometime we accidentally come across things we didn't know existed and they turn out to be very handy. especially with computer short-cuts.

on tuesdays, i'm beginning work at 7 so i can leave at 3:30. why? well, because i'm starting to volunteer at KGH as an 'elder life program' volunteer. yesterday was my first day and i shadowed a guy named kenny. it was a very interesting experience. the patients are, on average, in their 80s and have been identified as at risk for dementia. The job of the volunteer is to keep them alert, eating, conversing and doing some exercises. breaking the ice seems to be the most awkward part. the one man we visited yesterday talked and talked and talked and talked. he was nice and told interesting stories, but also had pretty strong archaic opinions. he went on and on about "older mothers" and how women shouldn't have babies in their 30s. kenny, a life sciences student, confirmed this by saying the optimal time to have kids is between 22 and 28. whenever i hear things like this, i inwardly freak out and feel i should go home to get pregnant immediately. i have to admit, sometimes i find it being very hard being in a world that tells me that i'm getting too old to have babies and that my husband is too young. i suppose it's just one of those things where there's always going to be someone of the opposite opinion, no matter what we do. i guess i find that kind of opinion difficult to deal with because age is outside of our control. i suppose in an ideal world brendan and i would be the same age, but we're not, so we're going to have to do things differently and hope for the best.

ANYWAYS... i'm getting way off topic. so ya, ken and i visited a bunch of folks and he showed me the ropes. when i'm done my shift i have to do a right up about each person, explaining what we did and how they responded. i kind of enjoyed the analyzing and reflecting upon each visit.

it turns out that the program coordinator is someone i went to high school with. i don't really remember interacting with her at all, definitely not in the last few years. i remember she wore doc martins and coloured her hair purpley-red. we had a nice chat though, and it turns out that she's now dating someone else who went to frontenac. i told her that i'd look him up in a yearbook when i got home. and i did. yearbooks are funny things.

i'm super pleased because andrew installed the new window in their door yesterday. it now looks like a proper apartment entrance. things are really starting to come together at our little house. we planted our garden on monday, but i'll tell you about that later ;)

 

will you still need me,

will you still feed me,

when i'm 64.

handshake

she reminds me of a book. the kind of book that doesn't hold my interest but that i'm committed to all the same. time drags the more i desire it to pass quickly.

i responded to a shed ad on kijiji today. the shed was in poor shape from the picture. the old metal kind we had in the 80s. i've seen many of these come and go on kijiji in recent months and they usually go for between free and $30. this one was listed for $100 OBO. so i wrote and told the person that i would take it for $50, explaining that that variety is usually posted for free. she wrote back saying it was already sold for full price. clearly she felt like a victor. since i'm feeling snarky today i was tempted to write her back and tell her that the person must have been a chump, but refrained. i think the chip on my shoulder is a side affects of the tedious book. it's not bringing out the best in me.

sometimes my mom accidentally drives past our rendezvous point for about 15 minutes before she realizes she overshot her destination. sometimes, especially when i'm trying to avoid something, i'm more than willing to be inconvenienced and just wait patiently.

last weekend we dug up some shrubs from our yard. once again it hit me that we own our house and can dig up shrubs if we want to. since then brendan has proceeded to dig up our entire front lawn. later today we're getting screens installed on our windows. i like the freedom and agency we have as homeowners to make these kinds of decisions/purchases. it's true, there's always something to work on that costs money, but it feels like a fair trade. with everything there's an upside. being one who is neither optimistic nor pessimistic, i tend to play the field. at my best i see the silverlining in everything. at my worst i see the only cloud in an otherwise clear sky.

i want to lean towards the silverlining.
with job searches, household expenses, tiresome books, and glass ceilings.

 

(i think my writing is best when i'm feeling slightly tortured).

 

if wishful thinking's all i got
i keep on thinking wishful thoughts.

hyphen

some guys are really stupid. it amazes me that they can reach full-grown adulthood and still be oblivious in how they treat women. yesterday, a fellow bbd employee (who i don't know at all) added me as a contact on linkedin, then proceeded to write to me and tell me that i'm a cutie. my first reaction was to just roll my eyes and delete his email. but then i thought "no! i shouldn't just let that go, i know that by company guidelines that would be considered sexual harassment". so i wrote him back and told him that linkedin is not a dating website and that he shouldn't speak to his colleagues that way. this morning i found that he'd written me back apologizing if he'd offended me. what really strikes me odd is that someone would think comments like that are distasteful only if someone is offended. to me it's not an issue of being offended, but rather an issue of being appropriate. he's actually lucky that i only wrote him saying he crossed a line and didn't forward his email to our human resources department - they'd take that very seriously. i'm sure the guy meant no harm, but i doubt he gave any thought to how it might be perceived or received. it was completely self-indulgent. it reminded me of guys yelling out car windows at girls on the street.

brendan started working the soil yesterday at the exile. he's slowly tearing up the grass to make room for our garden. it's slow going but he's doing an awesome job. so far he's found 23 cents and 3 old-fashioned hand-tooled nails. i'm curious what else he might find.

i've been feeling pretty lethargic in the evenings these days. little desire to do anything and a short attention span. last night i passed out on the couch for about a half hour then got up feeling much better. i suspect that having a shadow at work is really draining me. i usually juice-up at work with all my alone time. thankfully, after my nap i did manage to get SOMETHING done. i've been struggling with my new computer because many of my music files were missing and i couldn't figure out why. i'm quite pleased to have figured out how to transfer files between the two profiles. it was a tedious process but thankfully one i only have to do once.

 

don't stand so close to me.

droopy

wow!

my day has just made a sudden 180° turn.

1) i got an email from the person on etsy who i got my earrings from and she's going to post just one so i can replace my lost earring. HOORAY!!!!!! (i can't even explain how happy i am about that)

2) i got notice that i'm getting my annual pay increase on my next pay cheque. HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!

3) brendan just fixed my wagon. HOORAY!!!!!!!

4) and the window people came by and we're going to get screens installed on our three windows that don't currently have any. SUPER!

man. this morning i felt rotten. i just felt so miserable. i know it's silly because it's just an earring, but i was just so so sad. it would be like if my tattoo just fell off one day or all my hair disappeared. that's how connected i feel to those earrings.

 

plus, i was dreading going into work and being around people all day, but actually turned out better than i had imagined. my intern is getting a little more independant, which is good.

like a child, we get hungry and restless and wicked and wild.

spade

i lost my earring today. the back of one of my big black earrings fell out in the garden and i didn't notice for at least 20 minutes. we looked and looked and didn't find it. as silly as it seems i just feel sick about it. i HATE that i have one and a half earrings, and that means i'll never be able to wear them ever again.

i messaged the girl on etsy who i bought them from to find out if i could buy one again. i haven't heard back from her. when i went to check the rest of her collection it seems she only sells yoga bags now.

i'm unhappy. why is it that we grow so attached to things? what part of me grew to see those earrings as part of me? i don't get it. i so wish this hadn't happened. i wish i hadn't worn my earrings while working in a garden.

the garden looks great. and that was enough to distract me for a few hours. but now that it's dark out and the distraction is gone i feel sad again.

i take a breath and pull the air in 'til there's nothing left.

10 feet

striving to be a fairly diplomatic couple, brendan and i have a system of renting movies from classic video. we always get the 3 for 5 deal, which means we each get one pick, and for the third we get a documentary. we've gotten some pretty good ones in the past. last night we watched one called lucky about the lottery and how it changes peoples lives for better and worse.

recently i watched a TED talk about money. it was called "how to buy happiness". the title bugged me but i was intrigued to see where he was going with a title like that. if he was going to present something i agreed with or disagree with. the man ended up concluded that the way to buy happiness is to give money away. it's not how much we spend, but what we spend it on. buying things won't make us happy, but helping others in need will. i've found this to be true in my own life.

this was quite apparent in last night's documentary. some folks stayed pretty down to earth, some headed in a new direction, and one couple who seemed really normal at first went really over the top at the end (mind you, they were also the winners of the largest amount, so it's not that surprising). another person ended up completely broke. this one man, who was a vietnamese immigrant to the states, built homes for his children and his wife and him in their own little cul-de-sac, and built this massive apartment complex in vietnam for his relatives there (70-80 people). it was amazing to see how he helped make other people's lives better. this other man, who's marriage fell apart after he won the lottery (his wife was no longer financially dependant on him so she took off), eventually got remarried and said that his new wife was his true lottery prize. he was a mathematician and spent his time tutoring kids in math. it was really neat.

while brendan and i would never play the lottery, it got me thinking about my life if i didn't need to work. it seemed that many folks struggled with loss of identity without work or they struggled to relate to their working friends. they felt there money was less enjoyable since they hadn't earned it. i thought of my work, and the sense of accomplishment i get from it. how the reward of a promotion can't be bought.

i'm pretty happy with where i'm at. and hope to continue making the most of the money i have by giving to others.

 

happiness hit her like a train on a track.

blargh

as i edited his resume,
i inquired about his time at rona.

he says to me

"les, we already established this.
i didn't accomplish anything, i didn't do anything, and i didn't help anyone.
but ironically it wasn't the worst job i ever had".

i walked to the grocery store with my new wagon. it was our second outing – me and it.
on the way back all the bolts fell off and the wagon was nearly in shambles.
at one point it completely fell over and the groceries fell into the road.
then it started to rain.
i was sad but had no choice but to keep going.
then up ahead i saw our red CRV turn the corner as b came to fetch me from the rain.
he put the wagon and the groceries in the car and took me home.

tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better,
than making you my bride and slowly growing old together.

bruised

i had some serious difficulties untangling my hair today after i teased it for the 80s party i went to last night. it was like one massive dread.

recently rachel L gave me a book called 344 question. she said that i'm always working thru some sort of existential question and the book might help. plus it's well designed so she thought i'd enjoy the layout too. it was timely since i'm on the cusp of another existential journey, trying to make sense of things that seem to have no real meaning or value in them. things like this bring to the surface different personalities and held beliefs. there are those who are confident that there is reason and purpose in misfortune. and others who feel life is a series of cruel jokes. and then a spectrum of others in between. right now the last thing i want is for people to reason away my feelings, pass along sayings or tell me to 'trust in the lord'. sometimes i just need people to say "this sucks, les. it's crappy and there's no way around it." just give me time to soothe and let me feel like my feelings are legitimate.

i've had some interesting dreams lately. you know me with my dreams. i feel a little excited since they represent new beginnings. i'm excited to see what will happen but feel pretty gun-shy. i'm afraid to let myself hope these days.

i'm going to drink a cup of tea and eat some chocolate with brendan now. g'night!

seeing the train roll away, i'm going out of my head here.

steak

we went seed shopping tonight – us lorimers and cardiffs.

we got carrots and corn and zuchinni and garlic. we bought flowers and hand tools. i'm pretty frickin' exciting. i think we're going to have an awesome garden. we're going to plant the seeds on victoria day, but before then we have some landscaping to do to prepare. i envision several levels of garden and limestone retaining walls. i can't wait! i was super excited at the store. this summer is going to be great.

b and i are really enjoying having andrew and shannon living upstairs. it's fun seeing them so often and being in such close proximity. there's something extra special about living under the same roof. i bought shanno a house-warming gift online last week and was pleased because i knew her address without having to look it up :) i got shanno and me aprons from this website called flirty aprons. i got a groupon coupon and couldn't resist.

did i tell you that i'm excited about our garden and that i think it's going to be fantastic!!?!?!?!

at worst I feel bad for a while,
but then I just smile I go ahead and smile.

fork

brendan made the yummiest chickpea curry yesterday. i feel so lucky to have a husband who loves to cook. he also tidied the house! the curry was so good, but still a bit hot for me so i added raisins which was awesome too. the raisins were super old and dried out, which is funny since that's the very nature of raisins, but these were extra raisin-y. like raisined raisins. we need to buy new ones. i don't eat raisins as often as i'd like. when i was little, i remember having a bath before bedtime and my mom blow-drying my hair while i ate raisins as my bedtime snack :) that is one of my fondest memories. it seems to embody the simplicity of childhood.

i had a great phone conversation with my mom yesterday. she's probably the only person i talk on the phone with, and it's been a while. ever since she retired she has a new lease on life, and it's so lovely to see. i like hearing her laugh again. she was telling me about visiting an old acquaintance at trillium ridge who is now in her 80s. a few years ago, with her late husband, this woman made an exercise video called "staying vital with vera" and gave my mom a copy. we had a good giggle about that. while we were talking, she asked how brendan's job search is going. i was disappointed to tell her that he still hasn't heard from KEYS (he called them last wednesday and they said they were going to be calling people in the next 2 weeks). she encouraged me that it's still early and said "this is always how things go for you. a long time of waiting, then things work out". she might be right. i waited 2 years for my job at bbd, and 5 years for my relationship with b, etc etc. i wonder why that is. i wonder if things really are slow in coming or if my impatience makes it feel longer. she told me "it's this culture of instant gratification!" but i don't think that's it. i don't think i'm THAT swayed by our culture. it's more that when i have a need, i'm keenly aware of it, and the fact that it will eventually get met doesn't ease the discomfort.

my dad runs a seniors group at his church and this week they're having a show and tell event. i thought that was neat since we just did one at living room. years ago he gave me a family mirror that is currently hanging in our foyer. he asked if he could borrow it to take to his group. at my uncle bill's funeral my dad and i were given my grandpa (his dad)'s baby shoe from the 19th century. he and i debated over who should get to keep it, and in the end he won because it was his dad. but i said to him "you're going to lose it. if i had it, you could come visit it and always know where it is". i suggested he used the baby booty for his show and tell item, and he sheepishly confessed that he'd lost it.

 

i'm gonna bury that horse in the ground.

tidy

i've concluded that interns are similar to angsty teens. at first at least. everything is foreign and new, their outside their comfort zone, they don't have a lot of confidence yet, and i constantly want to say "it's alright, this really isn't as scary as it seems".

my intern started today. she's very nice and i think we'll work well together. it's interesting because it's quite a learning curve for both of us. i've never supervised anyone before. it's difficult doing my own work when making sure that she has enough to do and is managing ok. i think i'll get used to it. she's with me for 4 weeks, maybe 5. i think she'll do great though. i think i'm more confident in her than she is in herself at this point. it's been a LONG time since i started a job. i'm sure it was a nerve-wracking day.

this past weekend was great. lots of time hanging out with friends. a reading date at the goat with b. a shiny new wagon for carting home groceries from the store. i feel pretty lucky.

i've been wanting a wagon for a long time. well... not a long time really, a few months. but still. i wanted a retro looking one – red with wooden railings. when i first told my mom i wanted a wagon she laughed at me. it seemed so peculiar to her. but i can't fault her for that, our brains don't work the same way. putting it together was slightly more complicated then i thought, but b and i hungout on the front stoop working as friends and neighbours came along and we chatted with them about this new rad addition. hanging out in front of our house is great. i always liked doing that at the maxipad, so i'm glad to continue at the exile. it's a great social bridge. after we were finished i carted it down to food basics to buy groceries. it felt so delightful. i never had a wagon as a kid, but i found it so quaint :) it was super easy to navigate around the grocery store too! on the way back the one bolt and nut fell off, but i found it 15 feet behind me and repaired it right away. just wasn't tight enough.

i did cartwheels in your honour.

slow jam

oddly, i'm discovering lately that i'm a person heavily reliant on expectations. that sounds weird. what i mean is that i get super thrown off if when reality is different than what i expected. my sister used to say that i'm not a flexible person, while that's not quite accurate i can understand where she gets that from. i had a bit of a meltdown a couple weeks ago when i arrived home to find that brendan had done work around the house in a different order than i had expected. (WHAT!?!? WHAT?!?! THIS IS NOT WHAT I EXPECTED!) and it's weird, because there's nothing wrong with the change of plans, and there's nothing essential to how i expected things to play out, but it's super hard for me to adjust. at first, i think b thought i was just making a big deal out of nothing, but i think he's starting to get it. this is how i'm wired. on occassion i'll find myself in a situation where things are better than i expected, which i like - so it's not that i'm unflexible. there's just part of me that relies on expectations the way other people rely on consistancy. the only solution i can think of is to try to hold my expectations loosely so that i don't rely on them so much. but at the same time, i get a sense of security of knowing this is this, and that is that, and never the two shall meet. i dunno, maybe this doesn't require a solution at all.

i'm super proud of brendan. yesterday he finished this first year of college. he's now officially 50% finished. and he passed with flying colours. i have him a pack of 5 pabst beers. why five you ask? well i needed one myself. it's a little tradition of shanno and mine to have a pabst beer after a papsmear. it's handy that my doctor's office is across the street from the beer store. i got carded :)

i could really go for a tomato and artichoke salad right now. oh man. yum.

sometimes following knitting/crochetting patterns just doesn't work.

we were light and paper thin.

flirty

with a uhaul truck and a handful of friends, andrew and shannon moved into their new apartment above our heads. they've deemed it 'bel-air'. the move went pretty smoothly, except their couch wouldn't fit (it got up the narrow stairs but wouldn't go any further) and their box spring didn't fit either. however... andrew cut the box spring and managed to get it in, and they've found a two-seater couch so they're back on track. it's pretty exciting. i like having them upstairs. it somehow feels complete and the house fills full in a really good way.

after a morning as movers, b and i headed off to TO for dinner and a show. we went to the burger's priest. brendan had heard about it a long time ago and has been eager to go since he first got wind of it. it was pretty good, but wasn't amazing. it was neat because it was clearly hand-made with fresh ingredients and it was a good price, but not mind-blowing. we continue to like lick's burgers best.

it was b's first time seeing ani difranco and my second. the show was in the winter garden theatre which was probably one of the most surreal venues i have ever been to. the whole place has foliage on the ceiling like you're in a forest. the pillars were made to look like trees. the whole thing made me feel like i was at some kind of shakespearean theatre. ani called it "potpourri". i'd left buying our tickets until quite late so the pickings were slim. we were in the last row of the balcony and i was worried that our view would suck. however, we were in the centre of the back and the view was tremendous. the opening band, called pearl and the beard, are totally worth checking out. they were very talented and awesome. the crowd was a lot more diverse than i expected. there was definitely a larger queer and feminist crowd than at a typical show, but they were pretty balanced with couples and families (adults there with their grown children).

there was one lady there with gray dreads, and it made me think of you, jill. you have your whole life ahead of you to regrow your dreads and keep them for 50 years if you'd like. it's going to be awesome :)

we arrived back home at 2 am. i took out my contacts and crawled into bed fully dressed. i would've felt fine the next day if it wasn't for my stupid acid reflux. i've realized that my weird throat thing in january was an acid reflux episode as well. i hope it goes away soon. however, in the meantime i quite like my scratchy voice. sometimes i talk to myself just because i find the sound amusing.

 

nothing I haven't done before.

bonus

you may remember last summer, me talking about a book i was reading called "reading lolita in tehran". it was an interesting book, unlike anything i've ever read before. it immersed me in a world that was so foreign and caused me to feel quite deeply in new ways. that said, it was also incredibly difficult to follow and would often leave me bored. so when i went camping for a week i decided to leave it behind in favour of something more engaging. i next to never quit books, so from time to time i'd pick it up on my lunch break or in between books, and yesterday after the better part of a year, i finally finished it. yay! what a relief. it was slightly painful and i won't miss it, it was like a constant cloud hovering above me. anyways, when i went to mark it as complete on my visual bookshelf (on goodreads.com) i counted how many books i've read since i started it and when i completed it. SEVENTEEN. i started reading lolita in tehran 17 books ago!

my eyes have been really runny lately. it's super annoying. it makes me look like i've been crying and i haven't been. people kept asking me at the blood clinic if i was ok. i was fine, it was just a long day and i was ready to go home. the vacant look on my face was that of eagerness to get home.

last evening i was lying on the loveseat with my legs in the air and noticed my leg hairs. they're now over a quarter inch long and i found that i quite like it. this might seem odd, but i think i like my leg hair more than other legs. the reason why i say this is because i was looking up pictures of hairy girl legs online and i didn't like the pictures at all. it kind of grossed me out a bit. but that was early on. maybe i'll grow to be more accustomed to it as i become more accustomed to my own. so far i like that this is making me one step closer to being low maintenance.

i was digging around in the basement the other day trying to find a throw pillow i'd stowed away. while down there i could hear andrew and shannon talking. i tried to mind my own business, but it was difficult to ignore their conversation. in hindsight, i think they would've appreciated me making my presense known so at least they could be aware that i could hear them. i told b "it's probably good practise to just say 'i can hear you'". b thought that might embarrass them, which is not what i was hoping for. in fact, the opposite. at least if i identify myself they can stop themselves from saying something that could embarrass them. it's funny that i can only hear them when i'm in the basement. in the main level (the sandwich between the basement and their apartment) we can't hear them at all.

 

oh the river, it's running free.

redacted

on sunday, i spilled hot tea all over my lap and it burned in upper inner thighs. it sucked. my legs are ok now, but i have learned the dangers of tea.

as i drove into work this morning, i had this internal debate about whether or not i'd put in my contacts. i couldn't remember and couldn't tell from looking around. everything seemed clear-ish. any difficulty with reading signs was assumed to be because it was early and my contacts were still settling. however, after 5 minutes it finally stuck me that indeed i had NOT put in my contacts and i had to return home again. thus i was significantly late for work. i found it noteworthy that things appeared "clear enough" that i didn't realize that life was blurry. i feel there's a good analogy in there somewhere. afterwards i could see clearly that i had not seen clearly.

andrew and shannon are moving in this saturday. b and i still have some work to do and i'm eager to get things wrapped up. i booked an appointment for this past weekend for 'just junk' to come pick up a driveway's worth of junk. it's AMAZING to be able to see our driveway and picnic table again.

lately... i've been doing a great job of keeping things tidy. i've been doing the dishes every day - something i've never willingly done. it makes me feel super awesome. i'm pretty sure it's because of the boundaries i put around my computer time. i suddenly have time and i find that i'm proactively doing chores because my head is not in the world-wide web but very presence in my house. i think that weeks of renos have given me a taste for doing stuff and not just lazying around. last night i took a walk because i felt like it. it was great. dusk + ipod + outside + alone = awesome. a thin space.

 

i'm starting to get itchy feet. it feels like it's been a while since i packed up my backpack and headed out to unknown places. i'm counting down... four months til costa rica.

you are the morning when it's clear.

mantoux

and another thing....

i really appreciate that at work i know my place. there's no confusion about where i rank, what my value is, if i'm crossing lines or letting people down. i know what i'm good at, i know what my role is, other people know what they're good and at what their role is. there is generally no cross over and i don't feel slighted when important people don't know who i am (that said, the usually do because of the nature of my job, but i don't expect them to sit with me at lunch or give me special attention). having a clear sense of self at work has always given me a sense of confidence that i don't have in my personal life. elsewhere lines are blurred, expectations aren unclear. outside of bbd, i feel that i have to earn my place and that place is constantly changing.

it's odd to me that in a way it's the freedom of regular life that makes me feel like i'm failing, and the structure of the work environment that makes me feel like i'm succeeding.

 

say my name
as every color illuminates,
we are shining
and we will never be afraid again.

fahrenheit

dalton mcginty came to my office today for a visit. we all gathered around him for his daily photo-op and he gave a big speech about how awesome ontario is and how bbd is known around the world. it always makes me laugh when politicians tell us how international we are like they're telling us something we don't already know. during his speech they put a crowd of people around him and i was placed in the front row to make us seem diverse. they were trying to make the women more prominent. anyways, dalton is a lot taller than i thought he'd be - he's over 6 ft - and his ability to talk with such ease without notes reminded me of robb, as he is the only politician i know in real life.

a few days ago i was listening to a conversation on cbc about 'jobs for life'. i found it quite interesting listening to the different callers. there was a very noticable difference in the point of view of people in their 20s and people in their 50s. and i don't even think it's a result of the culture they grew up in, i think it's because of their maturity. the one caller, who i found to be the most obnoxious, was 25 and said that he equates the thought of a 'job for life' as being in hole. now, i think it's not a stretch for me to say that having a job for 30 or 40 years is not the same as being in a hole. now, if he's the thought of having one job for his whole life makes him feel trapped and imprisioned that's a whole other issue, and i think he's not the kind of person who will stay in one place very long. another guy (26) talked with dismay about how he feels stuck in his job and as though he hasn't really experienced other options. what i wish i could have said to these guys and their generation is "it gets better!". the grass is always greener... but eventually you'll stop comparing yourself with those around you.

i remember being a working stiff in my 20s and regularly feeling stuck, that i was a slave to my osap and i didn't have the freedom to explore other things. i used to say "i've given this company my 20s". but now, in my 30s... i don't feel that way AT ALL anymore. that's not to say that there aren't days where i wish i was outside, or working downtown, or at least outside my 8x8 blue cube, but i feel a lot more peaceful now and looking back i can see how working away my salad days grew me into the person i am today and i'm really happy with where i'm at. who knows, maybe it was the shift of my boss, or maybe me just becoming accustomed to the custom of working. but i've come to believe that even if i work this same job until i'm 67, that what i do in this job is going to change drastically. it won't be like digging a hole. i dunno, i guess the job-insecurity we have these days makes me thankful and instead of resentful. it makes me feel that if i have the option to work my job for the next 35 years i'd be a pretty lucky person.

while dalton was shaking hands with the crowd he got close to me, so i ran away because i was too shy.

 

i did cartwheels in your honour.

central

yesterday, wanting to show off his new non-violent intervension skills, b eagerly said to me "punch me". so wanting to test his response to the element of surprise i punched towards him right away. unfortunately he wasn't ready and i ended up punching him right in the chest. hahaha. oops. it turns out he wanted me to punch slowly towards his face. his hold was effective, albeit in slow-motion. i'm pretty sure if i was trying to get out of it i could've :p

we've been really into parks & recreation lately. a few episodes ago it made b laugh the hardest i'd ever seen him, and both we sat there laughing to near tears. last night while we were watching it on the loveseat i noticed how long my brendanawicz's upper arm is. his arm is so frickin' long! from his shoulder to his elbow it's got to be close to 15" long. in my surprise i checked to see if my fore-arm was as long as my upper arm, and it is. i didn't realize that before. weird! when i commented to b about his long long arms (i always knew his arms were long, he had to get his suit arms extended for our wedding, but had never noticed in actuality before), he told me that the girls in his class had a difficult time practising on him in their non-violent intervension class. and that because he's so lanky he escapes easily and that he told them that he'd beat them all up. which made me laugh because i know he didn't mean it the way it sounded.

 

no rivers and no lakes can put the fire out.

jelly beans

i don't have anything in particular to write, but i just wanted to touchbase. i woke up with a tummy ache, but went to work since i realized everyone was off today and i had no one to call in sick to. i decided i could always leave again if i felt ill. by 3ish i was in pain and felt like i was going to throw up so i went home. i was a little worried i wouldn't make it home in time, but i did. thankfully. it might be period related. i'm sure i'll be well again soon. i can eat unspicy foods. i mostly just feel like my stomach has been kicked in.

it was a good easter weekend. a lovely sunrise service. productive friday and saturday. i enjoyed hanging out with shanno upstairs while the boys were at band practice. eating two easter meals. the whole weekend seemed to last a long time. i liked it.

on saturday i invented a two tier dish rack. we have a chart that we keep the dishrack on, and i've placed our camping dishrack on the second shelf for maximum dish drying. it's pretty awesome. i'm extremely enthused about this.

last week i found myself hoping for a glimmer of hope in regards to b's job search, and today seemed to bring a healthy dose of it. job searching is tough, but we worked together to produce a quality cover letter and feel pretty confident that things will pan out in due time. i've just got to become more comfortable with waiting patiently.

i'm not really tired, but my body is aching and silently whining to be put to bed. in spite the fact that i suspect i'll lie there sleeplessly for quite some time.

you are the silence in between.

squeeze

each week day, i eat a banana for my morning snack. on monday brendan picked me up some banana's from metro because i'd run out and needed some for tuesday. unfortunately all the banana's at the store were green. in desperation i thought maybe they're more ripe then they appear. after all i do like banana's best when they're just past green. my struggle to peel it should've been my first clue, because when i bit into it it actually crunched. IT CRUNCHED! A BANANA! ugh. it's been several days and there's still no sign of them turning yellow.

i keep getting a distinct swif of maple syrup. perhaps i'm going crazy.

we're making great progress with the renos. i've discoverd that realistically, i need to start asap when i get home or else i run out of time or don't even get started. so this week we're not cook'in. last night we got wendy's (drive thru - not some friend named wendy), and tonight my incredibly thoughtful mother-in-law is bringing us some supper. we made serious progress last night. maybe in part because i drank coca cola with my dinner and was wired until after midnight. andrew and shannon are starting painting on friday so we're aiming to be finished by end of day thursday - with the exception of a few doors and other details. i'm so very pleased. people keep asking if we want to move up there now that we've completed the renos. i always find that a strange question since we already live downstairs and we like it there. i think the upstairs is great, but it's not our home, it's just part of our house. maybe next time some asks me that i'll explain that would be like moving into their kids room just because they paint it.

so far my leg hair growing experiment is going well. i've been able to avoid the discomfort leg hair getting caught on my pant legs by wearing long tight socks. so far the hair is fairer than i expected, it's kind of a light light brown. it makes me think it won't be as noticable as i thought. i think people's body hair changes with time. i remember my old landlord's leg hair was completely worn off, it was like he shaved, only he didn't.

it's hard to dance with a devil on your back,
so shake him off.

what the... beets?

so, some of you may have noticed that i accidentally posted an email to bren on pspd. that's the hazards of publishing via email, the publishing address comes up like any old email address and i selected the wrong recipient. it's since been deleted but in case you read via a blog reader site it may still appear on your radar. as they say... "the internet is permanent". it will probably always been in circulation.

i'm obviously pretty embarrassed. not that i said anything damming or anything. but it's still pretty embarrassing to have a private convo be published publicly by my own self. i truly am an idiot. or at least that's how i feel.

anyways, i just wanted to clarify what happened, since i don't usually write emails to pals on pspd.

 

please pardon me.