rose: napping mid-afternoon.

thorn: otis crying in the nursery at next (this does not bode well for daycare this week).

rose: after many, many dead-ends, we have eventually found a home daycare for otis. it's close to next, and handy to b's work too (brendan will drop him off, and i'll pick him up) i am so thankful. the woman is quiet and seems kind of shy (it's not surprising that she works with babies in her home), and i've been told that the parents of the other kids she cares for just love her. i suspect that she's quite gifted with children. the childcare space reminds of a wes anderson film. there's something about the dated aesthetic that makes me think she's a person of substance – rather than too much emphasize on appearances. i'm grateful that i don't feel anxious about going to work and leaving him with someone else. i'm hoping though that he will adjust quickly and not give her a hard time.

thorn: we don't use the deep freeze that came with out house. so i decided to sell it on kijiji. we mostly just keep our laundry detergent on it, and today i found the perfect self unit at value village to keep all that stuff on instead. so i listed it, and people were interested right away. someone asked me to plug it in and confirm that it works, and i did. but it doesn't seem to be getting very cold, which is super disappointing. i just want it out of here.

i've been feeling a little lost today. it's funny, because i usually have tuesdays at home with just otis. so you wouldn't think this day would be out of the ordinary. but i definitely feel different. i can't remember what i usually do on tuesdays. how i spend my time. what's my regular routine, do i have a regular routine? we (otis and me) dropped eamon of at MBES this morning. and i feel a little bit in limbo, waiting to pick him up in 2.5 hours. he did really well. he seemed to understand everything fully, and didn't whine or cling when it was time to go inside without me. i chalk this up partly to curiosity, and partly school-readiness, and his experience at daycare.

i keep thinking of the movie forrest gump. when he sits and waits on a tree stump all day for his son to return from his first day of kindergarten. that's what my heart is doing today.

rose: i almost constantly feel surrounded by clutter. it's slightly self-inflicted because i don't like having empty space either, but i haven't been able to find that balance between having stuff and feeling overwhelmed by stuff everywhere. i'm also still getting used to having our basement, which basically doubled our living space. so i woke up this morning inspired to move stuff downstairs, and from there, i came up with a creative way to deal with brendan's computer cords (that are always cluttering up the counter), after that, it pretty much became a day of nesting. it was partly the fact that it was a holiday (brendan was around to help with the kids), and that b and i have done some significant reorganizing on labour day before. but i think it was also (and perhaps greater than i realize) part of me getting ready for eamon to start school tomorrow. i wanted to feel organized, and in a head space where i felt prepared for anything. and thankfully i do feel prepared. i don't love the thought of preparing lunches for him every day (#daycarespoiledme), but his first lunch is actually pretty good and wasn't hard to pull together. and, even among all the nesting, we found time to walk down to the m-centre to go swimming at the waterpark.

thorn: i've been school-free since 2001. and i've loved it. i have never once looked back, and always, every year been grateful that my routine is not changing simply because it's september, and therefore back to school time. this is probably the biggest thing that makes me different to shannon :p so i am not thrilled that i'm going to be locked into the school calendar from here on in, until i'm... 58 years old. wow. that feels really weird and seems totally wrong. my youngest kid will graduate highschool when i'm 58. nancy is 59 and she has grandchildren! anyway, i feel like i'm losing a bit of my freedom.

rose: this morning a lost a rent cheque that i was going to deposit. i assumed it fell out of my pocket while we walked to the bus stop. later this afternoon i interviewed a potential nanny for otis. she's a woman who lives up the street from me that i found on KIJIJI! then around dinner time, she called to tell me that she found a cheque on her front lawn with my name on it!!!

thorn: when i thought i'd lost the cheque. i get so frustrated with myself because i lose stuff or forget stuff or break stuff or am under prepared. it was nice that that particular mistake was corrected without much of a fuss.

rose: it's amazing the difference a day makes. i know that is always true, but i don't always find that encouraging. when i started back to work with eamon, my first day was very very difficult, but my second day was delightful and energizing. i tried to take encouragement from that yesterday. anyway, i think i've found a caregiver for otis on kijiji who lives RIGHT UP OUR STREET! what are the chances?!?! she's coming over tomorrow to meet him and us. her ad talked about how she's a very experienced nanny, so i'm hoping she will not be intimidated by his angry-crying over the first week or two. i'm certain it will get better after that. if all goes well, i might stick with her until the end of the school year and not enroll otis in daycare until next fall. it was also a very full day, but we had a great time with our two after-school friends :)

thorn: today is the SECOND pay day that has come and gone since my final exit interview with a certain former employer, and i still haven't been paid. i'm excepting my final vacation pay. it's so irritating how slow they are to do anything for others. they cancelled my company credit cards within hours of my resignation, but can't seem to find time to pay me for my accrued hours owing.

rose: today the two kids i'm taking care of after school came over for the afternoon. we had a nice time, but my favourite, favourite bit was when we had snack. we all sat in the kitchen, chatting away, getting to know each other better. at one point, when they were telling me about a trip they took to germany last year, i told them that i went to germany when eamon was a baby. and the little girl said with great enthusiasm "we have so much in common!". it was very sweet.

thorn: i'm the kind of person who figures out what she wants to do, and then figures out what she needs to do that. my mom always gives me a hard time about being "a planner". i don't see myself that way at all. i'm a doer. i liked to do stuff, and to do stuff you have to plan stuff. i came up with a great plan to work at next 15 hours a week, find someone to take care of otis (my first plan was eamon's daycare, but they can't take him til he's 18 months), and i would also do before and after school care (i'm walking eamon to and from school anyway, i might as well bring a few more kids with me, and get some extra income while i'm at it). but so far my plans have not come together as smoothly as i imagined. thankfully things at next are secure, but i'm still scrambling to find childcare and i was supposed to start on tuesday. and with my childcare service, i have spots for 3 full time (before AND after school), or 6 part time (before OR after school). and so far i have 2 after school. i'm feeling a little discouraged, and it's easy to question my decisions.

--

today was éamon's last day of daycare. it's one of those things that if i allow myself to over think about it, i could get emotional or nostalgic about it, so i will try not to. but the thing that strikes me about it, is that i remember thinking back when he started going to daycare, that he would he was still my same little baby, and he'd stay my little baby, but grow and grow gradually. and eventually, he'd leave that place a little boy ready for school. and here we are. and the same is true of school. he'll go to school as a 4 year old, and he will slowly and gradually grow and change, until he leaves there at 14. it's best to not overthink it. i love him, and i get to enjoy him every day, through every stage. and that doesn't change.

rose: while taking an evening walk with my kids, i was thinking about our upcoming change of routine. i've been worried about it. i've been feeling a little down about the transition (even though i'm excited about the new routine). but thankfully, during our walk, i thought about how when i've been on vacation, or during that week that eamon was in VBC, it only took 1 or 2 days to get into a routine. so i feel encouraged that it won't take weeks or two months to find a rhythm.

thorn: finding childcare for otis continues to be a struggle. i had one lead that fell through, and another possibility that i'm not super comfortable with (i don't know her at all, and don't even have any mutual friends to ask about her). it's a lot to trust a stranger with a baby when they don't come with any recommendations. also, my sunglasses smell like urine. sometimes, when i'm at next, i just put otis's diapers in my tote bag and i throw them out at home (i don't want them stinking up next). i'd lost my sunglasses for most of the summer, only to find them in my tote bag. while wearing them, i could distinctly smell urine, but didn't know why. thankfully i figured it out.

rose: brendan and i have watched a lot of good shows together. and every time we're currently watching a show, it's my favourite. but the episode we watched tonight of game of thrones was crazy good. like, the best. really really satisfying. i'm thinking about reading the books. they'd go into a lot more detail i'm sure.

thorn: i've found that i've reached the end of my mat leave routine, and i'm feeling sad about it. i know that my new routine will be good, and i'm excited about each new activity. but i'm nervous about the unknown, and the process of settling into a new normal. i'm hoping it will at least go smoothly. i'm struggling to find a babysitter for otis during my part-time hours at next. i'm trying not to stress about it, because i know something will work out. i think i'm partly anxious because i'm ready for him to have a babysitter, and for me to just focus on next stuff when i'm at next. juggling him and my duties is a lot, and i want to just do one at a time.

on friday we went to eamon's daycare graduation. it was fine. i had hoped that they would say which schools the kids were all going to, to help us connect with the parents, but they didn't do that. anyway, while we were there, brendan noticed a woman staring at my unshaven legs. so he decided to obviously stare at here while she stared at me, just so she was aware of him noticing. he was quite baffled why it was so noteworthy to her. he said "it's like a beard, that's just what happens when you don't shave". so i pointed out to him that there is a difference. women are not given the choice if they want to shave or not. it's pretty much required for women to shave. and the funny thing is that it's women who notice. the only time that i ever feel weird about my non-conforming hairy legs is around other women. and that's super weird to me. why should i spend (waste) my time shaving, and my money on hair-removal products for the sake of other women?!?! there's no good reason.

on another note, after a discussion about showers at shannon's birthday bash, i decided to give evening showers a try. it will definitely simplify my mornings. and i feel all clean and cozy post shower.

yay! i just got my first two kids for my before and after school service :) and i'm extra excited that it's a family at next. so that's definitely a major rose for today.

rose: i loved late evening go-carting for shannon's birthday this evening. i loved leaving the house on my own with just a purse. listening to 54-40 on the radio in the car under the cover of night. it's nice to get these moments to remember and reconnect with who i am as an individual, rather just being a mom, or a worker, or something/anything required of me. it was nice.

thorn: feeling kind of sick after go-carting. i drove fast, and the course was very swirvy, plus the fumes. ugh.

--

come on, come on, get up, i want to take you
away from all of this, and what has got you lost and feeling down
you just get it off your back, let it fly away.

rose: our new mattress is extremely comfy. i had a lovely nap on it this morning. i'm very grateful for all the support i've been getting from friends and family on my before and after school service. at this point, i have a strong interest for two spots (an acquaintance who will need b/a care for her kids once her husband gets a new job), but nothing firm yet. i'm kind of surprised that i haven't had more inquiries. i feel i've done a good job promoting this service. most of the interested people don't send their kids to MBES. but i am optimistic that it will pan out, especially since i might just need one more person. i'm so happy with how i have that space set up. i hope i get to use it to help others.

thorn: the day after jill's wedding, i cleaned out our rain gutters. brendan is scared of heights, so he held the ladder for me. despite this, our gutters are still either overflowing or leaking. it's causing a damp spot in one corner of our basement. it's not a big deal, but it's annoying. also, during a visit to the park this evening, we witnessed a disgruntled, unsportsmanlike parent arguing with the soccer referee and now eamon is going around quote the man saying "you're garbage". (thankfully it's straight up quoting and not calling us garbage).

rose: our double bed has felt a little cramped these days when the two junior lorimers get into bed with us. so it was time to upgrade to a queen. we've talked before about wanting to get a mattress with a pillow top, so that's what we got. it got delivered today. it's quite the change. wide-wise the difference is noticeable but fine; but length-wise, it's a bit of an adjustment visually.

thorn: (which starts with a rose) today, eamon was completely content to play in the backyard by himself. this is a big deal, especially because just hanging around the house on a monday used to be quite a trial. but we didn't really have a choice, because we were waiting for the mattress to be delivered. i was surprised and delighted when he was happy to just play by himself. i even got to have a shower while he was outside and otis waited in the crib (quite patiently i must add). however, eamon's play was rather messy. he was pretending to lay new cement with wet sand, and so on. so before brendan got home, i got in quite a panic that he was going to be cross. brendan is objectively uptight about mess. and he particularly doesn't like it when eamon moves the sand outside the sandbox. i was rushing to get the sand back in the box, and trying to get through to eamon that his daddy was going to be very mad, when brendan showed up. i was anxious. he handled it calmly at the time, but later reached his limit and called for a moratorium on the sandbox. which results in a fight between us, because i was just happy that eamon was playing creatively by himself, and i was willing to endure the mess for the peace and his fun. we still haven't resolved it. we hit the pause button at dinner time and we'll end up getting back to it later. but i don't know how we will reach an agreement about this. thankfully we're pretty good at setting aside an argument until we find an appropriate time to talk about it.

rose: i just spent two days doing a first aid course. i aced the test, which was nice, and i learned some useful stuff. but my favourite part was getting to read during the lunch and break times. i'm also very grateful that otis did really well. that was the longest time we've ever been apart (8 hours, then 6 hours), and for the most part, he didn't notice. although today, he cried when he saw me, which probably means he did miss me.

thorn: i made a bit of a mess while repainting the floor in our downstairs kitchen. not too much, but enough. it was just bad timing because b needed me to take care of otis so he could make dinner. it can be challenging trying to get anything else done while parenting.

rose: when we lived on york street, i loved loved loved my balcony. i would regularly tell people that it was my favourite place in the world. when we bought our house on brant, we didn't go out looking for a house with a front porch, but i love that we got one that has one. especially a front porch that is covered and shady.

thorn: i've heard before, that no matter how big your space, people will fill it. when we lived on main street, our living quarters were small. and our house now (with our basement) is three times the size of that. and yet, it gets messy all the time, and feels cluttered. i need to get rid of some stuff. it's all the little things that fill it up.

rose: i don't do well with things that i HAVE to do. i usually resent things that i'm obligated to do, even things that i do voluntarily. generally, my instincts are to shirk routine. so i really, really enjoyed lying in bed reading my book this morning while eamon was at VBC and otis napped. it's especially liberating to be finished my ambitious handcraft project. it's all books and harry potter cross-stitch for the foreseeable future.

thorn: parenting feels heavy lately. heavy in the way that something feels when you've been carrying it for a while and you've grown tired. we're "on vacation" this week, but vacations aren't what they used to be. i long for rest. i suppose sleep is a good place to start.

rose: we enrolled eamon in the VBC that my sister runs. she puts a lot of time, energy and heart into the whole thing, and while it's not really our cup of tea, i felt i needed to send him to it. brendan has this week off of work, so it'll be nice to have our mornings relaxing at home. and that's just what we did. i got a new novel from the library and sat out on the front porch reading while otis napped.

thorn: do-it-yourself projects are a powder cake for brendan and i. we don't communicate well, and i get easily frustrated. i find it difficult because i have the desire, but limited skills. meanwhile, brendan has the skills and no desire. so i have to coax him into helping me, and usually it goes badly. even for something small the the project we tried to undertake today.

thursday rose(s): i was very tired after a rough night with otis, so i really appreciated getting to lie in the grass with my eyes closed as otis napped and while eamon played in the sand pit in city park. that night i went to bed at 8 pm. which was glorious.

friday was my last official day as a bt employee. it feels funny that my time there is done. i think i will habitually forget that i don't work there anymore. i feel peace about it though. it was time, and i'm grateful that i'm not returning.

saturday rose: i finished my gift for jill and ryan's wedding! and i hear that they bought a house, so it's good timing. it'll be a wedding AND house warming gift. we also got to go out to andrew's birthday party, which was really fun.

saturday thorn: otis cried a lot, and joelle had to call joy for reinforcement. i'm not upset or bothered that he cried so much, because he's a baby and will eventually grow out of this phase. but it would be nice to go out without worrying about him. eamon didn't struggle with babysitters the same way. otis particularly wants my company. i would love to get out more without him, or to go out with b more, but i guess i'll need to be patient til he gets there. next saturday and sunday, i'm doing a first aid course, and it will be the longest i've been away from him. i guess i'll have to wait and see how that goes.

rose: growing up, we always had an electric lawn mower. i'd heard once that if you try mowing when the grass is just a little bit damp, you would get electrocuted and die. that scared me, but i also used that to my advantage since it was a good excuse to not mow when i didn't want to. the cord was a real nuance, but i like that the handle bar would flip over to the other side. brendan wanted a gas mower when we were looking, so that's what we got. tonight, b was awaiting a call from our insurance company when he was only halfway through cutting the lawn, so i took over. despite the fact that i'd never used a gas mower before, i managed to turn it on, mow until the gas ran out, determine that it was out of gas, refill it with fuel, and continue mowing. i was quite proud of myself.

thorn: my first potential before and after school care client just fell through. her daughter goes to a different school, but i thought i might be able to manage meeting her at the bus. turns out the closest bus stop is too far from the school, and there isn't enough time to get there to pick her up. i'm pretty bummed out. also, i have concern that my other part-time job might not pan out. i'm someone who gets discouraged and encouraged very easily. things might turn around tomorrow. i've been told that parents are last minute and don't really start sorting out their plans until right before school. i'm just afraid that i'm not well connected in this neighbourhood, or that i don't have an established reputation, so parents won't want to give my service a try. thankfully, i crunched our numbers, and could manage until next summer on just one income. but hopefully that won't be necessary. i've spent so much time in the last week getting the basement set up. i've worked really hard. i hope things will pan out.