rose: this weekend was filled with family. we saw everyone but joelle. we went to costco on friday. took our boys to their nana and papa's house on saturday so we could go out just the two of us, went to my mom's for lunch (and saw my sister, brother-in-law and their kids), then had a playdate with ben, meg and audrey. i'm really thankful that we have all our family in one town, and we see each other frequently.

i'm also thankful that i got to go hangout with some lady friends last night :)

thorn: tonight i was trying to come up with a christmas gift list to give my family. and i concluded what i really want is a litter box that is never poopy, never smells and never gets litter all over the floor. and a house that is self-tidying. it really doesn't take long for mess to accumulate and i find it so overwhelming.

rose: i don't have a costco membership, even though i like going to costco. i go with my dad instead. it's a really great opportunity to spend time with him. it's been a while since we've been there, and there was lots to look at. unfortunately, the food testers were just getting set up, and taking their time at it too! so even though we swung by several times, none of them were ready. but we had a good time, nonetheless, and we got some useful things at bargain prices. my two sons and my dad and me.

thorn: we took the bus there. a different bus than we're used to taking. the way there was very straightforward, but the way back was not. then later today, conflict broke-out among the after-school kids, right before their dad arrived. so with both experiences, i feel that our time did not end on as well as it should've. i did manage to get off the bus (even though the bus driver drove past it), and the kids were not fighting when they left, but i would've preferred a more positive note to finish off the week.

after years of a solitary commute to work, i have been struck by how different life is when commuting on foot and via public transportation. now, i know that i am quite partial toward public transit in general (years of working in the transportation sector gets under ones skin), however, it's the social aspect that i'm really enjoying.

not only am i getting way more exercise, i love seeing the same people every day. i like piecing together their stories. no wonder nancy has 'bus-buddies'. my short but consistent journey down to next a few days a week, is really a weekly highlight. 

i'm sad to think what i was missing out on for all those years without realizing it.

rose: i just dug out a pair of knitting needles for the first time in what feels like several years. éamon asked for a scarf, so i told him i'd knit him one. it feels good to be handcrafting again.

rose: sometimes it just feels good to tell someone how you feel about something, and for them to laugh with appreciation and understanding, then give you a hug.

rose: time spent with children can be a real crap-shoot. it's difficult to determine in advance how it's going to go, because there are so many unknowns and so many uncontrollable factors. but this afternoon, my time with the afters-chool crew was the perfect combination of everyone getting along well and playing productively. i always know things are going smoothly when i have the freedom to vacuum. they actually played house, which i think was the first time that's ever happened.

rose: i found my missing favourite hat (that i lost on sunday) AND i found my favourite mittens that i lost LAST WINTER! unfortunately, i have spent money twice trying to replace them with half-decent mitts. but i'm still grateful to have them back, because they're still the best out of the three pairs i've got.

rose: i enjoy playing with the after-school crew. we've been really into pictionary and hangman lately. last week we played a finding game where we gave clues saying hot and cold. sometimes it's tricky with otis, because i have to keep an eye out for him (he just constantly puts things in his mouth). anyway, i really enjoy connecting with them that way.

otis is full-on walking now. he toddled around the house for most of the day.

thorn: b and i had a fight today about money. well... it wasn't even about money. that was more a jumping off point, and the fight was really just about our regular sore parts.

rose: today i was told that my contract at next has been extended for the next year at the same number of hours (they had warned me that they may need to reduce them in the new year). everyone on the board is very pleased with my work, so they want to keep me at my current workload. that's very encouraging. i am happy with my current routine and arrangement. over the next week, i have to start preparing a draft of a new website for a local political party that has hired me for my graphic design services. i really welcome this additional challenge, and hope to integrate it well into my week.

also, after a lot of dithering, i think my mom has found a good and suitable place to live. downsizing from a house to an apartment. it'll be within a 10 minute drive of my house, and 5 minutes from joy's house. i'm really encouraged about this decision (i hope she doesn't change her mind again).

thorn: otis has been fussy during times that he's supposed to be sleeping. and because this is occurring when i have my time (either relaxing or sleeping) i have not been wanting to rise to the occasion.

rose: i love when i feel super comfortable in my clothes and DON'T look like a complete slob at the same time. it is rare, but a winning combination.

the kids and i were busy playing 'hot and cold' this afternoon (when they hid something and we took turns finding it with 'hot and cold' hints). it's always fun when we find something that keeps us occupied for a while and in a positive way.

i LOVE that otis is walking so much. it's really great to see him turn into a little boy, rather than a little baby.

thorn: i am not strong at time management. and getting out of next in time to pick up otis, then make it to the bus can be a challenge. especially when others are around to chat with. i was definitely running late today, so instead of going to our regular bus stop, i went directly to the closest express bus stop, and it turns out i'd made up time and was still able to catch the #2 bus there.

it's funny how easily people take for-granted little joys. day-to-day details that we undervalue or simply underestimate how special they are. during my tenure as a cubicle worker, i listed to countless hours of music in solitude. designing deep in my inner self with a good sound-track is definitely one of my happy places. i don't get many opportunities for the same level of intimacy with music anymore. i'm very fond of listening to music on repeat, but i either don't have the chance or i can't seem to find music that moves me in the same way anymore.

thankfully, i've been doing some (more) freelance work AND listening to a lot of tom petty. it's actually not anything to do with his recent death. it's actually a combination of things... 1) a conversation with lucia where she told me that her favourite song by him is "yer so bad". 2) tom petty voiced the character of 'lucky' on king of the hill, which i just completed a few days ago (for the second time). and feel bittersweet about it. and, 3) i've been watching 'elizabethtown' (in multiple sittings) and listening to the soundtrack. tom petty is featured heavily on that soundtrack, and i'm very hooked on the song 'it'll all work out'. it's beautiful in medley and in lyrics, which is the 1-2 combination that really sucker-punches me into falling for a song. it's bittersweet too.

it makes me think of my friend.

i hope that someday he'll be able to let go of her, and accept that it'll still all works out...

she wore faded jeans and soft black leather
she had eyes so blue they looked like weather
when she needed me i wasn't around
that's the way it goes, it'll all work out

there were times apart, there were times together
i was pledged to her for worse or better
when it mattered most i let her down
that's the way it goes, it'll all work out

it'll all work out eventually
better off with him than here with me

it'll all work out eventually
maybe better with him than here with me

now the wind is high and the rain is heavy
and the water's rising in the levee
still i think of her when the sun goes down
it never goes away, but it all works out

<3

rose: this afternoon, all 4 of us took naps in separate beds and couches. it was nice. just one content, napping family. we also went out for lunch for joy and tim's birthdays. it was loud and chaotic, but we had some good conversations, and it was fun seeing the cousins all together.

thorn: brendan and i had a classic "brendan and lesley fight". it went like this... brendan didn't communicate some useful information to me; i tried, but failed to navigate that unclear situation without being snarky; brendan got upset with me for how i was speaking to him, and turned defensive about his actions and lack of communication; then i got full-on mad because my complaint was legitimate, and it felt like my frustration was becoming the scapegoat for brendan's lack of communication.

in other news: every few years i get a new pair of winter boots that i'm excited about. and occasionally rainboots too. i will wear them around the house a lot, in my excitement, and sometimes consider wearing them to bed. i'm currently wearing my new pair (needed to replace my 2015 poor boot purchase) they make me wish it was snowing out.

in terms of the myers-briggs personality profiles, i'm someone who regulary confuses or bewilders others, and they find me difficult to peg. i personally identify as an ISFP. the aspects that trick people is the introvert/extrovert, feeling/thinking and judging/perceiving bits. so most of them :p

and i think i know why. when i'm at my best, i'm close to the line on all of those things. but when i'm struggling, i sink back into an extreme of each. feeling sad or discouraged = recoiling back into isolation, becoming overcome with feelings of sorrow and wanting to give up, feeling boxed in or trapped without new possibilities or options.

as i've mentioned already this week, i've being feeling like i've been under-achieving. i've been having a hard time accomplishing everything i need to without huge amount of effort and i've had a hard time relaxing. last night i was taking a shower, and remembered something i'd forgotten to do, so from the living room brendan could hear me saying "shoot, shoot! oh-no, oh-no, oh-no!"

and i can see my inner P emerging. my below-the-surface organization is in shambles. yesterday, i made every effort to prepare everyone else for the halloween harvest (because i was organizing it for next), but then was late and unprepared myself. things are literally and figuratively stuffed in draws without sorting.

on the bright side, i did figure out how to top-up my bus pass online today, saving me a trip to shoppers to do that in person. one less thing to do.

sadly, i forgot to call my sister to wish her a happy birthday yesterday. and i feel extra badly because she always gets overlooked on halloween.

rose: now that the sun is coming up later, my two little fellas are sleeping much later. often until 7, but sometimes until 8! i love it. sadly, we're changing the clocks back on the weekend, which means that they'll be waking earlier again :S

thorn: i've always been pretty good at turning off my brain and lofting around. when i was a teenager, my mom used to say she couldn't just hang-out like we did, and i felt like "just do it, it's a choice". but for the last week or so, i'm not in touch with my inner relaxer. i dunno if i've had too many projects on the go, too many commitments, or not enough boundaries, but i'm not loving this. i'm hoping that i'll return to normal soon.

rose: i managed to fix a basket that got broken. it was a lovely basket that i use for storing toys in downstairs, so it feels good to be able to repair things instead of throw things out. also, we're getting some work down in our basement today and tomorrow – new flooring installed in the kitchen (currently just painted concrete) and getting trim in each room. the flooring is half installed and look great. i've always wanted a barber shop type of checkerboard floor, so that's what we went with. i'm really happy with it :)

thorn: it's been the kind of day where i have not felt restful. even the free moments that i had to sit and read, my brain kept telling me there are more productive things i should be doing. brendan told me that that's not a good sign. he said people on their way to being burnt out think that way.

rose: on any even week day, i walk between 40 to 60 minutes per day. it's usually 10 minutes here, and 10 minutes there, but over the course of a day, it really adds up. i've been loving having a bus pass. next is close enough for me to ride a bike, but my bike is too small for getting anywhere quickly. in the spring, i'll invest in another one. for our current routine, it makes sense for me to take the bus. the only downside is that my bus ride is only two express bus stops. sometimes i feel like staying on longer and getting lost in thought. i think this is partly because i used to have a 25 minute drive to work each day, but also because in college i had an hour long city bus ride. while it ate 2 hours out of my day, it was some seriously good downtime. i just sat, bundled up on the back of a warm bus, swaying back and forth. i'm pretty sure i fell asleep often.

this morning, éamon got dressed almost completely by himself. and this evening, otis did a lot of independent walking. i can't tell you how much of a relief it feels that my kids are becoming more and more skilled to do things on their own.

thorn: my work computer has this weird quirk. when you turn it on in the morning, the monitor often says "no signal detected". so you have to disconnect the monitor, over and over until it does work. today, it took an extra long time to get it working. i was starting to break into a sweat. i hate it when stuff like that happens. i just want it to work already!

rose: this week, i did a short freelance project in support of a group of christian leaders who are petitioning the government to repeal the corporal punishment laws. this is an action that came out of the truth and reconciliation efforts. i felt honoured to be part of such an important initiative, and i also really liked doing some design work. not surprisingly, since i loved working on hatch in september. val kindly offered to write me a reference letter. so it might be time for me to start working on a website.

thorn: in the spring, i was helping someone work on a press release. i don't know if the file was corrupt, but since then every time i try to use microsoft word, it crashes. it's difficult to know if the problem is linked to that file, but every time word launches, it opens that file, then crashes. i did a bunch of looking online, and found someone else was having this problem, and had identified that it was only on one user profile. so i checked my other one, and Word is working fine there. this is pretty aggravating. i'm confident that given enough persistence that i'll figure it out, but i was really hoping that i'd get it corrected tonight. i'm gonna need it if i get more freelance customers.

my mom is hoping to move into a condo in the next year or so, and while she condo-hunts she's sorting out her belongings to make the move easier. she was going through some old photos recently and throwing them out, so i told her "don't throw them out, give them to me". so today at sunday lunch, she had a stack of photos for me and a stack of photos for joy. i don't think i've seen photos of myself as a teenager in quite a while. it was interesting, because i think i was significantly more broody and sullen than i realized. brendan is very sweet, because he gets a lot of joy out of seeing old photos of me. the more awkward and anxiety the better. it seems funny, but any past boyfriends i had were not interested in old photos of me. but then again, most of them made me feel like they forgot about me when i left the room.

i've been thinking a lot lately (maybe because i was reading the book 'annabel') about gender-norms and expectations. i have never been a particularly feminine girl, although i wasn't quite a tomboy either. seeing those old photos of me, reminded me just how unfeminine i was/am. at one point, b pointed out that joy and i were so different. it's not that i was masculine, but most of the time i went for comfort over style. and still do a lot of the time. joy would be in her flowery clothes with her perm, and i would be in a dark sweatshirt with my straight hair hanging over my face. i was thinking recently about how i wore a grey and dark green hoodie for my grade 9 school photo. it made me think that i'm really well suited to sons. if i'd had a girly daughter, i would not have known what to do with her. i think this is partly why i think gender definitions are so useless. i feel that i am a woman, so therefore, anything i do is something "women do", and not the other way round.

rose: i love when it's my turn to sleep in. AND we got to visit the melles's new house, which was a treat. AND we went to lake ontario park this afternoon, where otis did a lot of WALKING in the playground (<3 <3 <3). AND we went to royal angkor to mark our 8 years as a couple.

thorn: this afternoon, i opened our washing machine, to put in a load, only to find last week's laundry still in it (but it had dried). i was so annoyed. how does that even happen :S

rose: i really like my new haircut. i got a trim about a week and a half ago. not in length, but i got my layers tidied up. it's funny, because usually i get my hair cut, and not just my layers. i don't know if i knew that was possible before. the hair stylist asked me if i wanted some off the length too, and that was the first time it occurred to me that i could keep it at it's current length, and still get my layers cut. anyway, i like it a lot. i'm finding that i've been wearing my hair down more often as a result.

thorn: there were lots of tired children tears around dinner time tonight. but thankfully a few laughs too.

rose: on tuesday evenings, éamon goes to awana at kingston alliance. it's a churchy version of scouts. since brendan has the car in napanee on tuesdays, i have to take him there on the bus, but joy drives him home (since she's picking up her kids too). it gives me roughly an hour to myself in the evenings, and that's been a real treat. i end up doing lame things like plan my grocery list, but it simply feels good having time and space to do that without having to multi-task. and i'm grateful that he is fine when i drop him off. i take that as a sign of healthy attachment.

thorn: as kids get older they have a larger circle of influence. and sometimes that circle exposes them to things we don't want. today a kid from school was telling eamon about the freddy kruger movies. thankfully, éamon didn't really understand what he was talking about, minus the words "knife" and "claws". it left me thinking about how i want to really emphasize anything good, anything lovely, anything admirable, and to keep anything grotesque, anything horrific, anything troubling, away from our general sphere of normal or entertainment. life has enough sad and awful things in it, we don't need to add more, especially in childhood.

rose: no one's childhood is perfect. but i have such fond, fond memories of playing as a kid. whether it was with my playmates (scott or jessica and alison) or with my sister, we played for hours in our basement. we played house and make-believe. we played with barbies, made forts, we rode around and around our circular-designed basement on roller-skates. we also played outside a lot. it was fun, and perhaps more importantly... it was relational. now, i know that things have changed, but, (at risk of sounding old fashioned,) there is nothing i would want more for my kids development than to give them to gift of endless fun and relational play. just like i had in the 80s. over the last week or so, but especially today, éamon and the after-school kids have played really well in our basement. they are making up games (often times silly and nonsensical) and using their imagination. it makes me really happy.

thorn: this time last year, otis spoiled and amazed us with how he could put himself to sleep. that did not last. i woke up very tired today. and it just kind of lingered. even after my nap, i still felt tired.

rose: today was a full day. it's the kind of day that when i look back at specific moments (my first time cooking at 'the next stage', buying the kids a slackline at value village, and that very intense church service), i won't remember that those things all happened on that same day. it was a good day. and even the church service that held many intense aspects (both beautiful and sorrowful) was still good. i felt good about how our team pulled together that meal at next stage. i was proud of brendan's leadership and competence, and of my boys who kept themselves busy.

thorn: i was thinking today about my current level of vulnerability. and i feel like i'm in quite a vulnerable phase of my life. i've recently ventured out into new undertakings, and i feel vulnerable without the regular positive feedback and affirmation of my former boss. i'm excited about doing freelance design work, but worry that my offerings won't match expectations or that i won't price my work properly. without bbd, i feel more financially vulnerable. i'm gladly making sacrifices to be more present with my kids, but worry that it might have a cost on me as an individual. travel is a part of my identity and something that makes me feel alive, what if we don't get to have our regular adventures? will it take a toll? and then there's the vulnerability of simply being a parent. vulnerable to small things beyond my control (like disrupted sleep), and big things (like their well-being). so ya. i guess it's not just today, but it was something that occurred to me today.