rose: lately i've changed my approach to dishes. since eamon was about 20 months old, we've been making him carry his own dishes to the counter. i'd discovered that he did that at daycare, so i knew he was capable of doing it at home too. but last week, i decided it was time for him (and brendan) to start putting their own dishes in the dishwasher. it's made a huge difference. after that stuff is done, there's hardly any dishes left for me to do. it's really great.

thorn: up until last week, i was really enjoying having the doors open at next, or having them unlocked while i worked there, with a sign saying "you're welcome to come in". then one day, a man came in to meet up with someone, but she wasn't there yet, so he just waited for a half hour. he seemed harmless, but my imagination wandered to how he could potentially harm me while no one else was there. i shared that with brendan, who lectured me about how i need to not be naive about that. i got mad because he was mansplaining at me about the vulnerabilities of being a woman. he later recognized that too. anyway, since then, i have been more reluctant about putting myself in that position, and that's really disappointing to me. i hate that that's how life is for women.

rose: this afternoon, the after school kids spent our time together drawing themselves as superheros. they each picked what superpower they would want, and then designed what they'd look like. they cooperated really well, helping each other and sharing pencil-crayons. it was really nice. i've been noticing lately that éamon is less energized by being together as a group, and a little more calm. i'm enjoying us getting into routine and establishing norms.

thorn: after several nights of sleeping straight through, otis had a terrible night sleep last night, and cried for the better part of 2 hours without anything we could do to comfort him.

roses:

• having a normal fight-free day with b doing our christmas shopping

• getting a little bit of web design done (just enough to be productive, and not enough for it to be time-consuming)

• spending time with otis

• éamon developing relationships at school

• getting to watch a movie while i ate lunch

• making snowflakes with the after school kids

• éamon and otis breaking my plant pot and hilariously trying to hide it (#brotherantics)

• having no significant/noteworthy thorns

thorn: my stomach has been in knots all day. my freelance-related knots have been exacerbated by the relationship-conflict cause by said freelance work.

rose: otis.

rose: i always enjoy PA days, because of the break from our regular routine. i took eamon to do his christmas shopping this morning. AND he graduated from a car seat to a booster seat. i'm really loving that he can unbuckle it himself when it's time to get out. getting kids in and out of carseats is draining.

thorn: i'm experiencing some hurdles with this website i'm making. mostly on the logging in side of things. also, i realized that i needed to get started on the calendar i make for our parents every year. i enjoy doing it, but i do find myself questioning this task i've given myself. especially while i stay up late working on it and brendan is sleeping in the bed behind me. it's not his fault. there's no way i'd relinquish this design project to him. but i don't know how to even things out. christmas seems to exacerbate the gender-roles divide.

i forget most of the time all the little (and big) things i have in common with my dad. growing up through my teen years with my mom and sister (who are very alike in a lot of ways), i often felt different from them, and steadily felt weird or less than. they are both naturally tidy. they do weekly chores with dedication. this week at sunday lunch, we spoke at depth about my mom buying an expensive vacuum. i assumed that joy would tell her that it was too expensive for her budget, but instead she encouraged my mom to buy it because it was a very good vacuum. eventually, i had to say "i am not the right person to be talking to about this, because i don't vacuum very often". now that we have carpet downstairs, i vacuum once a week for roughly 10 minutes. joy vacuums every week for TWO hours. so having a good vacuum is worth every penny. their houses are guest-ready all the time. mine is not. it does make me feel like i'm failing, even though it's not something i value.

on the other hand... my dad is messy, but knows where to find things in his mess. he priorities cleaning/house work similar to i do (but probably slightly less because of social gender norms around house work), in a relaxed and optional manner.

tonight, we both attended a meeting at mbes tonight with my city councilor. i wasn't sure if he would stay the whole time, since it wasn't his district, but he did. he sat with the same posture as i did. we have much of the same quirks. brendan often says that "george will never die, as long as you're around". thankfully he finds my dad amusing, as well as wily and agile.

i'm very grateful to have been able to get to know my dad better as an adult. it helps me remember my place in my family, and not feel like an odd one out.

rose: i haven't knitted in... i don't know how long. i have become quite partial to crocheting. this is partly because i prefer making THINGS rather than CLOTHING. but also, when you make a mistake with crocheting, it's super easy to fix. BUT eamon asked for a scarf recently, so i got out my needles and whipped him up a nice infinity scarf. i ran out of one of the two colours about two-thirds of the way through and i switched to a multi-colour yarn. at first, i wasn't sure i liked it, but it really grew on me, and i'm really happy with how it turned out. AND he loves it.

thorn: eamon has a bit of a bug or something, and ended up pooping his bed last night. we discovered this when otis needed to nurse in the night. unfortunately, otis decided he didn't want to sleep, and was up for the next 1.5 hours. so we were all running late in the morning, and we missed the bell by like 12 minutes. probably the worst part though, was discovering that someone stole brendan's ipod from our unlocked car over night. they don't even make those kinds of ipods anymore, so it's especially frustrating.

rose: this weekend was filled with family. we saw everyone but joelle. we went to costco on friday. took our boys to their nana and papa's house on saturday so we could go out just the two of us, went to my mom's for lunch (and saw my sister, brother-in-law and their kids), then had a playdate with ben, meg and audrey. i'm really thankful that we have all our family in one town, and we see each other frequently.

i'm also thankful that i got to go hangout with some lady friends last night :)

thorn: tonight i was trying to come up with a christmas gift list to give my family. and i concluded what i really want is a litter box that is never poopy, never smells and never gets litter all over the floor. and a house that is self-tidying. it really doesn't take long for mess to accumulate and i find it so overwhelming.

rose: i don't have a costco membership, even though i like going to costco. i go with my dad instead. it's a really great opportunity to spend time with him. it's been a while since we've been there, and there was lots to look at. unfortunately, the food testers were just getting set up, and taking their time at it too! so even though we swung by several times, none of them were ready. but we had a good time, nonetheless, and we got some useful things at bargain prices. my two sons and my dad and me.

thorn: we took the bus there. a different bus than we're used to taking. the way there was very straightforward, but the way back was not. then later today, conflict broke-out among the after-school kids, right before their dad arrived. so with both experiences, i feel that our time did not end on as well as it should've. i did manage to get off the bus (even though the bus driver drove past it), and the kids were not fighting when they left, but i would've preferred a more positive note to finish off the week.

after years of a solitary commute to work, i have been struck by how different life is when commuting on foot and via public transportation. now, i know that i am quite partial toward public transit in general (years of working in the transportation sector gets under ones skin), however, it's the social aspect that i'm really enjoying.

not only am i getting way more exercise, i love seeing the same people every day. i like piecing together their stories. no wonder nancy has 'bus-buddies'. my short but consistent journey down to next a few days a week, is really a weekly highlight. 

i'm sad to think what i was missing out on for all those years without realizing it.

rose: i just dug out a pair of knitting needles for the first time in what feels like several years. éamon asked for a scarf, so i told him i'd knit him one. it feels good to be handcrafting again.

rose: sometimes it just feels good to tell someone how you feel about something, and for them to laugh with appreciation and understanding, then give you a hug.

rose: time spent with children can be a real crap-shoot. it's difficult to determine in advance how it's going to go, because there are so many unknowns and so many uncontrollable factors. but this afternoon, my time with the afters-chool crew was the perfect combination of everyone getting along well and playing productively. i always know things are going smoothly when i have the freedom to vacuum. they actually played house, which i think was the first time that's ever happened.

rose: i found my missing favourite hat (that i lost on sunday) AND i found my favourite mittens that i lost LAST WINTER! unfortunately, i have spent money twice trying to replace them with half-decent mitts. but i'm still grateful to have them back, because they're still the best out of the three pairs i've got.

rose: i enjoy playing with the after-school crew. we've been really into pictionary and hangman lately. last week we played a finding game where we gave clues saying hot and cold. sometimes it's tricky with otis, because i have to keep an eye out for him (he just constantly puts things in his mouth). anyway, i really enjoy connecting with them that way.

otis is full-on walking now. he toddled around the house for most of the day.

thorn: b and i had a fight today about money. well... it wasn't even about money. that was more a jumping off point, and the fight was really just about our regular sore parts.

rose: today i was told that my contract at next has been extended for the next year at the same number of hours (they had warned me that they may need to reduce them in the new year). everyone on the board is very pleased with my work, so they want to keep me at my current workload. that's very encouraging. i am happy with my current routine and arrangement. over the next week, i have to start preparing a draft of a new website for a local political party that has hired me for my graphic design services. i really welcome this additional challenge, and hope to integrate it well into my week.

also, after a lot of dithering, i think my mom has found a good and suitable place to live. downsizing from a house to an apartment. it'll be within a 10 minute drive of my house, and 5 minutes from joy's house. i'm really encouraged about this decision (i hope she doesn't change her mind again).

thorn: otis has been fussy during times that he's supposed to be sleeping. and because this is occurring when i have my time (either relaxing or sleeping) i have not been wanting to rise to the occasion.

rose: i love when i feel super comfortable in my clothes and DON'T look like a complete slob at the same time. it is rare, but a winning combination.

the kids and i were busy playing 'hot and cold' this afternoon (when they hid something and we took turns finding it with 'hot and cold' hints). it's always fun when we find something that keeps us occupied for a while and in a positive way.

i LOVE that otis is walking so much. it's really great to see him turn into a little boy, rather than a little baby.

thorn: i am not strong at time management. and getting out of next in time to pick up otis, then make it to the bus can be a challenge. especially when others are around to chat with. i was definitely running late today, so instead of going to our regular bus stop, i went directly to the closest express bus stop, and it turns out i'd made up time and was still able to catch the #2 bus there.

it's funny how easily people take for-granted little joys. day-to-day details that we undervalue or simply underestimate how special they are. during my tenure as a cubicle worker, i listed to countless hours of music in solitude. designing deep in my inner self with a good sound-track is definitely one of my happy places. i don't get many opportunities for the same level of intimacy with music anymore. i'm very fond of listening to music on repeat, but i either don't have the chance or i can't seem to find music that moves me in the same way anymore.

thankfully, i've been doing some (more) freelance work AND listening to a lot of tom petty. it's actually not anything to do with his recent death. it's actually a combination of things... 1) a conversation with lucia where she told me that her favourite song by him is "yer so bad". 2) tom petty voiced the character of 'lucky' on king of the hill, which i just completed a few days ago (for the second time). and feel bittersweet about it. and, 3) i've been watching 'elizabethtown' (in multiple sittings) and listening to the soundtrack. tom petty is featured heavily on that soundtrack, and i'm very hooked on the song 'it'll all work out'. it's beautiful in medley and in lyrics, which is the 1-2 combination that really sucker-punches me into falling for a song. it's bittersweet too.

it makes me think of my friend.

i hope that someday he'll be able to let go of her, and accept that it'll still all works out...

she wore faded jeans and soft black leather
she had eyes so blue they looked like weather
when she needed me i wasn't around
that's the way it goes, it'll all work out

there were times apart, there were times together
i was pledged to her for worse or better
when it mattered most i let her down
that's the way it goes, it'll all work out

it'll all work out eventually
better off with him than here with me

it'll all work out eventually
maybe better with him than here with me

now the wind is high and the rain is heavy
and the water's rising in the levee
still i think of her when the sun goes down
it never goes away, but it all works out

<3

rose: this afternoon, all 4 of us took naps in separate beds and couches. it was nice. just one content, napping family. we also went out for lunch for joy and tim's birthdays. it was loud and chaotic, but we had some good conversations, and it was fun seeing the cousins all together.

thorn: brendan and i had a classic "brendan and lesley fight". it went like this... brendan didn't communicate some useful information to me; i tried, but failed to navigate that unclear situation without being snarky; brendan got upset with me for how i was speaking to him, and turned defensive about his actions and lack of communication; then i got full-on mad because my complaint was legitimate, and it felt like my frustration was becoming the scapegoat for brendan's lack of communication.

in other news: every few years i get a new pair of winter boots that i'm excited about. and occasionally rainboots too. i will wear them around the house a lot, in my excitement, and sometimes consider wearing them to bed. i'm currently wearing my new pair (needed to replace my 2015 poor boot purchase) they make me wish it was snowing out.

in terms of the myers-briggs personality profiles, i'm someone who regulary confuses or bewilders others, and they find me difficult to peg. i personally identify as an ISFP. the aspects that trick people is the introvert/extrovert, feeling/thinking and judging/perceiving bits. so most of them :p

and i think i know why. when i'm at my best, i'm close to the line on all of those things. but when i'm struggling, i sink back into an extreme of each. feeling sad or discouraged = recoiling back into isolation, becoming overcome with feelings of sorrow and wanting to give up, feeling boxed in or trapped without new possibilities or options.

as i've mentioned already this week, i've being feeling like i've been under-achieving. i've been having a hard time accomplishing everything i need to without huge amount of effort and i've had a hard time relaxing. last night i was taking a shower, and remembered something i'd forgotten to do, so from the living room brendan could hear me saying "shoot, shoot! oh-no, oh-no, oh-no!"

and i can see my inner P emerging. my below-the-surface organization is in shambles. yesterday, i made every effort to prepare everyone else for the halloween harvest (because i was organizing it for next), but then was late and unprepared myself. things are literally and figuratively stuffed in draws without sorting.

on the bright side, i did figure out how to top-up my bus pass online today, saving me a trip to shoppers to do that in person. one less thing to do.

sadly, i forgot to call my sister to wish her a happy birthday yesterday. and i feel extra badly because she always gets overlooked on halloween.

rose: now that the sun is coming up later, my two little fellas are sleeping much later. often until 7, but sometimes until 8! i love it. sadly, we're changing the clocks back on the weekend, which means that they'll be waking earlier again :S

thorn: i've always been pretty good at turning off my brain and lofting around. when i was a teenager, my mom used to say she couldn't just hang-out like we did, and i felt like "just do it, it's a choice". but for the last week or so, i'm not in touch with my inner relaxer. i dunno if i've had too many projects on the go, too many commitments, or not enough boundaries, but i'm not loving this. i'm hoping that i'll return to normal soon.

rose: i managed to fix a basket that got broken. it was a lovely basket that i use for storing toys in downstairs, so it feels good to be able to repair things instead of throw things out. also, we're getting some work down in our basement today and tomorrow – new flooring installed in the kitchen (currently just painted concrete) and getting trim in each room. the flooring is half installed and look great. i've always wanted a barber shop type of checkerboard floor, so that's what we went with. i'm really happy with it :)

thorn: it's been the kind of day where i have not felt restful. even the free moments that i had to sit and read, my brain kept telling me there are more productive things i should be doing. brendan told me that that's not a good sign. he said people on their way to being burnt out think that way.

rose: on any even week day, i walk between 40 to 60 minutes per day. it's usually 10 minutes here, and 10 minutes there, but over the course of a day, it really adds up. i've been loving having a bus pass. next is close enough for me to ride a bike, but my bike is too small for getting anywhere quickly. in the spring, i'll invest in another one. for our current routine, it makes sense for me to take the bus. the only downside is that my bus ride is only two express bus stops. sometimes i feel like staying on longer and getting lost in thought. i think this is partly because i used to have a 25 minute drive to work each day, but also because in college i had an hour long city bus ride. while it ate 2 hours out of my day, it was some seriously good downtime. i just sat, bundled up on the back of a warm bus, swaying back and forth. i'm pretty sure i fell asleep often.

this morning, éamon got dressed almost completely by himself. and this evening, otis did a lot of independent walking. i can't tell you how much of a relief it feels that my kids are becoming more and more skilled to do things on their own.

thorn: my work computer has this weird quirk. when you turn it on in the morning, the monitor often says "no signal detected". so you have to disconnect the monitor, over and over until it does work. today, it took an extra long time to get it working. i was starting to break into a sweat. i hate it when stuff like that happens. i just want it to work already!