i've just got to say, i love my friends :) i got so many hugs today it was great. i'm just so thankful.
scrambled eggs made me late for church today if you can believe it.
life is funny. it feels so greatly influenced by "right place, right time" more than i ever realized. how things unravel so depends on where you're at, and where others are at, and what mood you're in, and in the circumstances of your surroundings. there's just so many elements, so many balls to be juggled. so many "cosmic events" that line up to bring about a single moment. its one giant domino effect. (side note: isn't it funny that the saying is domino effect, when dominos are technically a game of matching up dots? and yet everyone uses them for lining up and knocking over, i like that.) i feel like life is one big fruit salad. there's so much activity, so many different events, on different extremes. new beginnings colliding with endings. some face new life while others face death. and it all goes on, almost completely disconnected.
i sit here thinking "when will i arrive? when is my time?" perhaps never, perhaps now. who knows. i want to live each day to the fullest. to recognize that his promises are new every morning. i wish i knew that in my heart, because honestly? somedays i'm just getting by. how do i live this life, my life as lesley meredith mcknight to my upmost? on the other hand... i want to never feel like i've arrived, because when that happens i'll have nothing to strive toward.
i'm very "on the other hand" lately. i'm puzzled by this, why am i all of a sudden all indecisive lately? i don't think its self-doubt, maybe its a new level of awareness, causing me to consider the flipside.
i like that this entry has turned out all contemplative, because it seems like i haven't had a second to think since last week.
ok, once last though, then i'm gonna turn in for the night... i like that there's nothing i can do that wasn't meant to be. it releases me from the burden of thinking everything is on my shoulders. "i ruined this friendship by doing this" "i alienated that person by not doing that" when i don't actually hold enough power to steer the fate of those relationships. if it's a friendship that was intended to last it will. if i do something that ruins a friendship, it probably was bound to fail eventually.
sometimes we touch lives without knowing it. i hope i learn to accept that.
well girlz... i hope you enjoy this long entry. only 8 more entries til my hiatus.
light up, light up as if you have a choice.
9 comments:
you are so wise, les.
that is a nice thought... feeling relief that you are always doing what is meant to be.
that makes me breathe easier.
thanks lissa! you're too kind.
it is a nice thought to feel at peace at whatever befalls.
wow, les... I have never agreed and disagreed with you more. sometimes things seem totally random and disconnected, but then they really aren't. but then there really is randomness. and i just can't believe that everything has a 'meant-to-be' aspect. there is freedom and relief in believing that there is nothing that is meant to be. you do have more power than you realize... some things are out of your control, but there is a great deal that results from your decisions and actions. accept your responsibilities and no more. guilt and shame are not necessarily things that follow from using your power. you can have peace with your power.
hmm... it's like we're coming to the same point on a circle, but from different directions. you're going clock-wise, and I'm going counter-clock-wise.
you know... it's almost like the coincidences in life are what make me believe in randomness.
of course we're going to come at these things differently, since i believe in God and you don't. that's a big factor in how we view these things.
regardless, i'm not saying i'm powerless, but i am saying i'm not "a powerful being" (the quotes read in loud stereo). i'm glad. i put to much weight on my own actions, and that's scary because my actions are usually rash and not thought out. basically, i was just thinking about how i can't destroy things with my words, if the relationship breaks its mostlikely not because of one thing i've said or done (not that it was "meant" to not work out, more that it was weak in the first place). i have one friend who amazes me by staying my friend no matter how many times i'm rude to him. maybe one of these days he'll have enough, or maybe our friendship is just stronger than i thought.
however, i do think life is a mixture of these things. sometimes i believe strongly in "life is what you make it", but there's so many more factors than we're aware of. time being one of the biggest. lets take vinc' as an example... if he'd come last summer or next summer, its possible he & i wouldn't have become friends. who knows. time is one of the most significant factors, and one we definately can't control.
true true.
i didn't mean only that we're coming at it from fundamentally different places, which we are... i was thinking more how in my life i always used to take a back seat and not really think i had any power, and you seem to have been the opposite.
and now i wake up to my power, and you wake up to the limits of autonomy.
i'm glad we can talk about our views.
i'm glad we can too :)
i don't know if this will make any sense but... there are two sides to a coin but its still the same coin.
i think it takes courage and discernment to know when to exercise your power and when to be more passive.
sometimes i talk out of my ass and don't actually know what i'm talking about :p
maybe this is the real meaning of "brain fart"?
ps me too.
don't forget the guys that read your site too!!
you're right bud, i didn't mean to exclude any gender. i was referring rachel and dawna who commented saying they like long entries. but maybe some guys like long entries too :) thanks for the postcard by the way ;)
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