these

i had to call in sick today. my cold had intensified and was full-fledged by morning. i've spent most of the day reading harry potter, sleeping and drinking neocitran. right now i feel kind of hungry but i don't have much of an appetite. maybe it's because i have no sense of taste so eating is not very enjoyable right now. i hope my boss wasn't too put out that i didn't come in today, but i was just so sick i couldn't have gone to work.

lately i've been surprised by what comes out of my mouth. not bad things, just things that i didn't realize were so important to me until i hear myself talking about them repeatedly.

it's hard to live the way we want because we're constantly resisting ourselves. deep down we have hopes and expectations, and it's almost impossible to detach ourselves from that. hope is a double-edged sword. i do have wishes, but to stop myself from getting hurt i tell myself that i don't really what such-and-such. but i've had enough of that, i don't want to live in denial. i just want to be content, and if that means admitting certain disappointments than i guess i'll have to get used to that.

the other day my foot was aching when i stepped on a certain part of it the wrong way. this has been happening a lot, and i'd grown annoyed by it. for a split second i thought i'd just cut that part off of my foot and that would solve the problem. then reality kicked in and i remembered that was not a solution at all!! that's the kind of person i am. when something hurts i cut it off. i don't know what else to do! it sort of worked once, a temporary solution, but it doesn't really fix anything. i honestly don't know what to do with myself sometimes.

if i seem to be afraid
to live the life that I have made in song,
it's just that i've been losing so long.