STET

when i was in grade 9 i made friends with a girl named christine in phys' ed class. she was friendly and a bit of a loner like me. soon, another girl started hanging out with us, her name was lindsay. i soon got it in my head that they didn't like me, i felt awkward and began to disconnect myself, and avoided them. for the next 8 months i saw little of them, until lindsay invited me to join them and their larger group of friends at lunch time. i suddenly felt connected again, and spent the rest of high school with those friends. looking back i can see that my paranoia was unfounded, that i distanced myself from them for no reason. i still do that. i still get those knee-jerk reactions where i read into things and misinterpret stuff. sometimes i need a smile, a hug, a laugh, or for someone to ask me a question, for me to remember that everything is ok and for me to know where i stand for with him or her. i'm feeling awkward today, and i'm slipping into the realm of self-doubt and fear. i'm beginning to wonder if i've done something wrong and my friend is upset or bothered with me. this can cause me to want to overcompensate in order to make things better. but i need to remember that 1) it could be completely in my head, and 2) she has things going on in her own life and any disinterest in me/our friendship may actually be completely unrelated to me. this is where i can be self-centred - assuming that anything distressing or difficult in other people's lives is actually about me, when the world is much larger than that. i guess i'm afraid. afraid of doing something unintentionally that puts a friendship at jeopardy and not making amends. and i'm afraid of being in space where i'm not wanted and being too dense to take a hint. i'm sure everything's ok. i need to just chill.

b tells me that i take things too seriously, i think he's right. he easily identifies it because he has that tendency as well. it's our biggest hurdle.

i finished the camera case i was knitting. it looks AWESOME. i feel renewed excitement about knitting. i'm looking forward to finding a new knitting recipe (aka pattern) and diving right in. how exciting :)

i'm having my 2009 performance evaluation at 2:00 today. it feels like i'm getting my report card. it's like i'm perpetually 7 years old. i'm still getting the hang of sharing.

you'll be the leftist student punk,
i'll be the accountant you'll become.