layers

i've been thinking lately about weight. one's weight in general. i've observed, both my own experience, and that of other people, that it's extremely different to lose weight without gaining it back. i'm not entirely sure if it's physiological or if it's the result of a person's behaviours and habits.

i have not returned to my pre-pregnancy weight. i am both disappointed about this, and indifferent. i really don't think i could've or should've done anything differently to lose that weight. upon reflection, i know that i did not have good eating habits during my pregnancy because i thought i would easily lose weight from breast-feeding. i think i've lost all my pregnancy-related weight, but haven't lost the extra weight i gained from having no self-discipline. my current eating habits are good, or at least mostly on-track. so there's part of me that feels i should just accept my body as it is, and just dress accordingly. get rid of all my smaller clothes that i've been hanging on to, and yada yada yada. it's tricky because it's hard to know if that's "loving my post baby body" or just giving up.

oddly enough, i haven't come across any articles or blog entries about women who are dissatisfied with their bodies after baby. i've heard some women share about disappointments about specific body parts, but no one has expressly said they are struggling to come to terms with their new shape. maybe i'm the only one. or maybe women just don't talk about it.

i wish i was one of those women would could be in awe of her body – amazed by what it did. instead, because of my c-section, i feel miffed that my body failed to perform. it literally couldn't (whether it was external or internal factors, we won't know til i try to birth again) do the job it's meant to do. so i'm left feeling let down AND bulky.

there's a few other girls at work who have had babies in recent years, and they may be 10 sizes smaller than me. i know everyone has a different body type, but it just reminds me that other people return to normal and i haven't.

i just want to be comfortable and at ease in my body. i wonder if that will ever happen.