again

it seems another year has passed, and it's time for my annual birthday eve blog post.

to start, i'd like to welcome and say hello to brendan (most-likely the only person who will read this).

as the sun sets on my 39th year (my year of being 38), i'm reminded of being 28 and turning 29. i felt relief from a lot of social pressures (whether it was in my head or real i don't know), and i felt really liberated. probably for the first time in my life. and it shifted my perspective and prepared me for moving into my 30s. i felt at peace and finally let go of "should've" beliefs about myself.

at 38, feeling that liberty between me and society is old hat. and i'm glad. my current battle is an inward one with myself. learning to let go of the "should've" beliefs about my body. i think the struggle for body acceptance can be a long one, especially since bodies change over time. and i'm hoping that by the time i turn 40 next year, that i will be writing about the peace i have about my body and the appreciation i have for it. right now, i feel like it's my body that makes me feel middle-aged. my thicker waste, my chubby face. i recognize that i need to re-frame how i see myself, but it's not going to happen overnight. i'm encouraged by the recent baroness von sketch show sketch i saw about turning 40 and suddenly becoming unself-conscious about your body. there's good things ahead. freedom. liberty. basically, the stuff i long for as a enneagram 7.

i was telling someone the other day how being married to a much younger man makes me feel younger. i think it's because i share in his life discoveries, and journey with him as he figured out his 20s, and now his 30s. as usual, it's the people around me who make me not afraid of getting older. about the newness of being old(er). whether its people younger than me, or older than me, they give me courage, hope and a sense of adventure.

the thing i've found about being in my late 30s, compared to being in my late 20s, or even early 30s, is that i feel less visceral excitement about my age. but, i feel much more deeply contented.