junk

i'm still feeling really sick. i wish i knew what was wrong, i haven't barfed so i'm not convinced it's the flu. i sure hope i'm 90% better tomorrow because in the state i'm in right now i don't know if i could/should go to work. my sister and i have this weird concept of "sickness" in our heads. my mom always sent us to school unless we were barfing, barfing was the discerning factor on whether or not we were actually sick. so as an adult i've been trying to get that out of my head and equate feeling terrible with being legitimately sick. i always feel quite guilt ridden for not going to work, knickers is never sick and i think she finds it quite inconvenient when we are.

today i got up at 12:30, watched "hardball" with keanu reeves & diane lane on the t.v., then a variety of sitcom re-runs (seinfeld, friends, fraser, will & grace), OH and i watched the ellen show. i knitted too, i got most of the heel done on my current sock. melinda stopped by to give me some camomile tea and chicken noodle soup. she also brought me some flowers which was nice of her. i always hate being sick alone, so i appreciated that someone was "taking care of me".

my life is getting a little blurry. i want to i sit down with the old lady version of myself and have a serious conversation about why things happen the way they do. part of me thinks everything will work out ok, but i'm not convinced what's ok is at all what i want. i just don't understand anymore. it's so much easier when you look back years later, even though reflecting often minimizes the hurt and frustration. my courage is dwindling. and i just don't understand anymore.

i think i'll go have some soup. and maybe go to bed. i'll set my alarm and decide in the morning if i'm well enough for work.

just promise that you'll try to give me all you can,
i'll never ask for more.

chopsticks

quite frankly i feel like ass.

david came to visit this weekend, and we were out until 3 am last night, then got up early for church. i tried to nap this afternoon, and to eat something, but my gut-rot is not disappearing. but at least i'm not tired anymore.

this weekend was queen's homecoming. i didn't go to queen's, so don't usually join in the festivities, but i was out with a bunch of queen's alumni, and believe it or not, we went over to aberdeen. yup, the infamous aberdeen. it was really odd, the only time that i've been in a similar situation has been at concerts or i dunno SOMETHING. but aberdeen is NOTHING but a huge street party. among the crowds (that we walked thru holding on to each other like a human chain) i got knocked in the face and my right earring fell out! i LOVE those earrings and i was SO SO sad! i consoled myself with the thought that i COULD to back to modern primitive today and buy a new one, which i did so that's ok. back on aberdeen, david hoisted me up on his shoulders and i could see over the sea of people's heads. it was a really cool view. aberdeen really wasn't my kind of event, but it was interesting to see/experience after hearing about it for years in the news. it was true madness. frig, david, terrence and helen are hilarious. we stopped by my house last night so i could get my glasses, i took my keys with me so i could get inside. when i went back out to the street my car was GONE! then i looked down the block and it was sitting there non-nonchalantly with the three of them inside. that totally cracked me up.

last night in the group, i had bouts of feeling shy. terrence+helen seemed concerned about me, but i told them i was just feeling shy. i'm like that. sometimes i'm awkward. talking to garry today at church, he mentioned me being introverted and yet extroverted. it's completely true. i am both, it all depends on my mood and the circumstances. i wish that wasn't the case, it was interesting that garry knew that. i find it comforting when people understand that about me. i'm sure it must be hard to work with at times. sometimes when i look back on my life i see the decisions i made about one thing or another, and i wish i'd done things differently. but sometimes we can only muster so much in the moment or in the phase. i'm trying to live my life in such a way that i won't regret my decisions in the future. that i won't let my temporary separation from my earring ruin my evening, or the fact that i'm single and worry that i won't meet anyone detract from what i DO have. it's tricky, something worth trying at.

the way you move is a mystery.

splinter

did you seriously think it wouldn't hurt me?

on the dance floor of my mind i'm awkwardly dancing it out.
you'll make a mark wilson fan out of me yet.

doors shut today,
means we knock until they say "come in anyway".

pithy

up is down.
no is yes.
right is wrong.

i'm dry of thoughts, wait for the rain,
then it's replaced, sun setting.

sword-fight

there's a wonderfully spectacular thunderstorm outside my window. i was just lying on my couch, listening to the bangs and watching the flashes of blue. and wished i had someone to lie there with me.

most of you know me fairly well, or at least know a lot about the inside of my brain. i'm an interesting, complex, fun, amusing, and dynamic person. i have a complete life which i enjoy immensely. i'd like to have someone to accompany me in my adventures. but i'm in a bit of a pickle. meeting someone is like getting a job, being totally qualified and awesome doesn't cut it, it's about who you know. but unfortunately, i don't know any men who aren't gay or involved. so here's an idea... if you know any totally rad christian guys, then send them my way! the christian factor is nonnegotiable, i'm a christian and therefore it's an issue. i've tried it the other way and it doesn't work, in fact, my last serious long-term boyfriend dumped me because i was a christian and wanted him to be too, but he didn't. the totally rad part is also nonnegotiable. i'm sure there's a lot of "really great/nice guys" out there, but i'm looking for someone who will float my boat and not bore me to tears. i don't suppose this suggestion will result in anything, but i thought i'd mention it just in case you've had someone up your sleeve but didn't know how to broach the subject.

i'm not disappointed that i'm single right now, but i don't want to remain so forever. i don't lament the way my life has gone, i'm actually quite pleased. the only things i would change are stupid mistakes i've made, not the actual events that befell me. i'm hopeful that i will continue to be not disappointed in my life, i'm confident that i will enjoy whatever unfolds, but i would like someone to sit and listen to the thunder with, and someone to snuggle with in bed at night.

all this considered, you may wonder "since lesley's not disappointed in her life, what is it that she really likes about it?" well since it's thanksgiving day i will indulge you.
• my home – that it's comfy and homey. it's quaint and roomy.
• my kitties – honey who is daring and pekoe who has started to sleep with me at night just like fru did.
• my family – who are proud of me and are loving & accepting of me in spite our differences.
• my job – that was a long-awaited answer to prayer, that has never ceased to be a blessing to me. it gives me the pleasure of doing what i love and challenges me regularly. i have a boss who adores me and really awesome workmates.
• my church – who happened upon me like kismet, coming into my life at a really critical time. and has provided me with a great community that has endlessly made me feel loved and accepted for i am.
• my friends – old and new. i'm so thankful for the stay-power of my old friendships, that have stuck with me thru thick and thin. new friendships who have taught me new things and connected to parts of me i didn't know were there.
• my car – that was given to me by my sister & brother-in-law, and is still truckin' even though it looks like it's waiting to exhale.
• my computer – that keeps me connected and has expanded my world in ways i didn't know it could.
• my opportunities – one year ago i left for kenya. i went to pei this summer, and am going to baffin next spring.
• my identity – that i have a firm grasp on who i am even though it took many years to figure out. that i have hobbies and unique talents.
• my experiences – both good and bad. all things have shaped me, sometimes battered me. but they always mold me into what will someday be a masterpiece.

the year is growing old... just like a stately old lady who knows she can be charming even with gray hair and wrinkles.

inches

my thanksgiving dinner was quite a hit today. i would like to host it every year, but as joy continues to pro-create i'll eventually run out of space. oh, i guess this is the time to tell you that my sister is pregnant yet again and is due on february 29th (yup, that's right... leap day. AHA). i think next year i'll do a turkey. i set up the dinning table out on the back porch, you know the one i just painted last week? it worked out nicely. a white table cloth was a bit of a mistake, BUT you live and learn don't you? here's a pic, tim took it, and the kids were inside watching the t.v. (or more likely harassing my cats). i think everyone had a good time, joelle cried she was so sad to leave, so that MUST mean it was a success. OR that she was tired....

this afternoon i purchased art supplies. i wish i'd looked in my cupboard first before i bought stuff, but it wouldn't have made THAT much of a difference. i so enjoyed painting the back porch last weekend that i decided that it's time i take up painting as a serious hobby as i've been wanting to. i dabbled in painting in high school, but i think all interest went out the window in design school (when you start studying your hobby as a profession it stops being fun). SO, i'm kind of starting from square one because i haven't worked with paint since first year (8 years ago), although i can still mix paint like nobody's business. the designer in me totally affects how i paint. i bought cmyk paints, i don't know how to paint with anything else! but i think that's better, i'll mix all my own colours and they'll be pure because i'm using only primary colours. i just got to take it easy, enjoy the process of painting and keep working away with it until i'm happy with it. instead of throwing together some piece of crap because i want to have a finished piece to hang on the wall. it won't be a grand master-piece, but it will be a good exercise. i can't afford an easel so i've just hung the canvas on a wall in a well lit area. it's working pretty well.

this truly HAS been a long weekend. i like that it feels like ages ago that i was at work and i still have a whole day off ahead of me. hurray!! my house is in chaos, i meant to set it in order this afternoon, but then i didn't. tomorrow i'd like to stay in and clean up and enjoy some peace and quiet. i enjoyed having lunch with my family today, but i was ready for some alone-time by the time they left.

my fridge is on the fritz. i'm going to have to call the landlord or his mother. it makes very loud squealing sounds. it can't be healthy. thankfully right now it's silent but i don't know how long it'll last for. and my bedroom is right next to the kitchen, so it was very difficult to sleep last night. i was also freaked out that my fridge was going to breakdown on the day my whole family was coming for lunch. it made it thru, but it might not make it thru tonight.

sometimes i can't find my good habits.

fetch

i had big plans for today. i needed to prep for tomorrow; clean, tidy and peel. but instead i watched "baby boom" on the t.v. and did a little cleaning. i need to get the rest done before bed since it's going to be a bit of a tight squeeze tomorrow timewise.

i spent a lovely evening over at rhonda's place. every year she has a big thanksgiving dinner and she told me to invite anyone along. so i invited tim&tracy. i felt really lame about it, saying "i'd like to invite you to rhonda's house for dinner. i'm sure rhonda would really like to have you". hahaha. but in spite of the strange invitation, they came and it was lovely. although, it was time to call it a night when the firetrucks arrived.

i didn't eat much all day, partly because i was busy with tasks, but also because i knew i'd be eating a big meal this evening. funny how that doesn't rid one from the munchies – knowing you'll be eating a lot later. loneliness is the same way, knowing you'll have company later doesn't change the immediate need for company. i'm sure there are other emotions that work similarly that's just one that pops to mind.

heads held high
even if you didn't have an audience.

aquatic

it seems i have a cramp in my thumb. the joint is sore, i think it's a painting injury, but i agitated it as i knitted this evening. i hope i'm not going to get arthritis.

last night i passed out on my bed at 9:30, then woke up at 10 and got ready for bed. i was so wiped that i put contact solution on my toothbrush instead of toothpaste. it turns out that i forgot to turn on my alarm clock in the process, so i woke up late for work.

this coming sunday i am hosting my first family holiday meal at my house. it seems like a big undertaking, but is nothing compared to over challenges i've faced. i'm sure i can hack it. this is quite unlike me, but i suppose one never knows what their capable of until they try. i'm proud of myself to taking the initiative to have them over, it'll stop me from complaining that i'm not considered a legitimate adult.

sometimes there just isn't enough hours in the day.

i was given this fancy wine kit box at work today, it was leftover from a customer dinner that i'd done a lot of work for. it's a rosewood box with all these fancy wine tools inside it, like a thermometer, re-corker, and a super easy corkscrew. i just bought a corkscrew a couple months ago, does anyone want my old one?? i feel so fancy with my fancy wine kit box, i don't know what half of them do!

if i only could
i'd take a bit out of this town.

bog

i wept giant tears as i laid on my couch reading my book, letting the tears dry on my face without wiping them away. i cried like a little girl, no wait, i cried as only a grown woman can, who truly understands the words she's reading. that is against my instincts. as a pre-teen i tried to be very tough, i wouldn't permit myself to cry over such things. weeping at real-life stories or fiction was my mom and sister's thing. they were the criers, i was the impenetrable one. but that's been changing, and i don't want to hold back anymore. you know when you get that feeling in your throat and you just want to give in to the impulse to cry because you find something so touching? i want that to come more freely and to not fight it anymore. some may look upon that with disdain as i once did, but that's their misfortune.

perhaps i have no subliminal messages. maybe things are exactly as they seem.

how can i say what i don't know.

fjord

things in my life have mellowed out. i'm not feeling tackled by my social calendar anymore. which is really nice. i sat in my cube today and realized, that so far i have no commitments planned for this week. so i called up my dad and invited him for dinner. i'd promised him in my father's day card (that i gave him in august) that i'd have him over for supper. it was very nice. we had quite the feast! i explained more of the transit industry and he told me all about how chown parking-lot used to be a methodist church. and about how when he and my mom were here in kingston on their honeymoon (they lived in toronto at the time – although that's no excuse) that there were only 7 prisoners in the prison for women (they passed it on the tour bus).

i find it interesting that i plan my vacations out years in advance. and that when my workmates say "next year we'll have to remember to..." it's completely assumed by both them and me that i will still be there in a years time. or when i say i want to move to wolfe island in my early thirties that means i plan to stay in the maxi-pad until then. what surprises me the most about this, is that i'm unfazed by the fact that i expect to still be single in 2009. that i realize my job isn't just a job but it's my career. and the maxi-pad isn't just the place where i live but instead it's my home.

a dragon lives forever but not so little boys.

tripod

WELL, i have so much to tell you.

on friday afternoon, i decided to paint my back room this weekend. it's something i've been planning to do since i moved it, and my landlord gave me permission (and said he'd reimburse me – even BETTER!). so i began on friday evening. i had to prime the walls and then apply 2 coats of paint. so essentially i had to paint each wall 3 times. when i began i thought "i am a strong, capable, independent woman", but it didn't take long to think "this is much harder than i thought it would be". the stairwell was really tricky and i was scare my bold leaning over the edge would result in me falling and breaking my neck. i wonder how long i would have lied there before anyone found me. anyway.... it was exhausting, but i enjoyed myself. i drank red wine and listened to the cbc. it took almost 24 hours to complete. i did little else except...

in the mid-afternoon i decided to go to the store for some french bread. i'd been painting with my house-door open, but the door to the porch (that you have to walk thru to get to the house-door) was shut. when i left to run to other store, i went outside to find honey in the backyard. i quickly grabbed her and then searched the house for pekoe to make sure he hadn't got out too. he wasn't there. i went back outside and started calling his name and spotted him. but he startles very easily and he crawled under the fence and ran away from me. i was quite upset and i searched for 10 minutes, freaked out that i'd lost mr. pekoe so soon after losing fru. my neighbours joined in the search, we split up and they quickly found him. PHEW. so he's safe and sound back inside. grr, that crazy guy. but i'm so thankful that he's back that i even let him sleep on my pillow right beside my head like he always tries to do.

anyway, i'm very pleased with the paint job. here are some before and after pics:

BEFORE

AFTER

this afternoon i made a fennel and tomato salad. it was really good. i had french bread and red wine with it (no, i'm not becoming a heavy drinker, i'm just trying to use up this bottle my neighbours gave me). i wanted to take a picture to show you because it was so fancy-smancy, but my camera batteries are dead.

well, here's the last of my news... i've decided to go to baffin island next april to visit beckie. i love taking vacation and traveling, but i always get discouraged because so few people are available to join me on holidays. but then it occurred to me, why travel with someone? how about you go visit someone! beckie'll only be there one more year, and i'm going to plan to be there for her birthday. it'll be really expensive, but i'll save starting RIGHT NOW. besides, i won't have to pay for my accommodations and such. so that will help. melissa and i were talking about going to mexico, but she said we can go another time, mexico can wait. visiting beck is time sensitive. linkage

don't you know that its a fool who plays it cool,
by making his world a little colder.

grey

i'm slightly freaked out by how fast time flies. i just got my driver's licence renewal reminder in the mail. i feels like just last year that i thought "wow, i don't have to get this renewed for 5 years!" ugh, i don't even want to think of 5 years from now. i kind of feel that time keeps moving and i keep standing still. each year i'm frightened that nothing will happen or change in the coming year, and at the end of every year i look back and am blown away by all that came to pass. you'd think i'd learn. i have to admit, almost a year ago (at thanksgiving) i said to myself and in writing on pspd "i wonder what i'll be doing this time next year", and really, i'm not doing anything special. that disappoints me. don't get me wrong, i'm not complaining. i'm just one for excitement and surprise. and there's a definite absence of both right now. regardless, i am content in spite of my rather even-steven existence.

this morning i got up and it was still dark out. with the lights on in my house i noticed how similar it was to when i got into bed the night. and i thought to myself "how do i know it's not night-time". i guess the main difference is that i was well-rested. as i've mentioned repeatedly before, i'm enjoying going to bed early/on-time. sometimes i think to myself "you should just go do such-and-such, when you look back are you going to remember how well you slept or that you had a memorable conversation with so-and-so". which i think IS good logic, however i do have physical limitations and need sleep, and a lack of sleep makes me feel miserable. so even though won't remember one specific nights sleep, i will remember feeling good and upbeat in general. it's more a preventive measure.

promise to paint me as a work of art.

storm

i made garlic bread tonight! how uncharacteristic of me. i can't even remember where i came up with the idea. it was good, but next time i'd use more butter.

i'd like to expand my vocabulary. it seems over time the english language has dropped an assortment of words and we're only left with the bare minimum. it's too bad, because i feel like of gypped. in the non-racist sense.

it seems my life is either hectic or bulldozed. i set aside this evening to just chill at home, but i got quite drowsy as i read and passed out on the couch. it's as though whenever i get the chance to mellow out, my tiredness is permitted to emerge. i'm at the mercy of my exhaustion, so i'm going to go to bed. i so enjoy not waking up tired.

we're slow to acknowledge the knots in the laces.

kafufle

i've just finished the first sock of my second pair! i'm very excited, it looks really good, and fits like a glove. or should i say sock :p

sometimes i have issues with them, but i keep it to myself. it's frustrating because it's like they think their close-mindedness will keep them safe. no doubt i seem very liberal compared to them, which i'm sure makes them in turn very uncomfortable. which is funny because i'm not a particularly liberal person, liberated but not liberal.

last night i went to a pampered chef party at jordin's place. i bought my first stone. i'm pleased about that, i realize it won't make me into some fancy cook, but it will make somethings turn out better. i'm considering hosting one myself, just because it would be a good chance for my friends and famly to mingle, but i wouldn't do it for quite a while since a lot of the people i'd invite were there last night. besides, i'm still just barely staying on top of my busy social calendar.

my pants do not lie.

the fall weather has been insane. it's like it can't decide if it's coming or going. honestly, it's practically bi-polar. it's too hot in here. i should take off my new sock.

i'm sad because i just realized that i forgot my lunch vehicle at work :( oh l.v. how i miss thee. i think of you and your cool pack slowly becoming lukewarm....

i got a hand,
so i got a fist,
so i got a plan,
it's the best that i can do.

devotion

this might seem quite obvious to everyone else, but it occurred to me today that there is a possibility that my life may not turn out to be an utter disaster. i'm not sure at what point i adopted this train of thought, but for as long as i can remember, i've just been assuming the worst for my life. which is a real shame! like that's a sad mentality to carry around. and i'm annoyed at myself for surrendering to catastrophe. like, come on les! i feel quite encouraged by this realization that things may very well go very well!

i had a nap today in my contacts. it feels rebellious to nap in the day time. i like to dabble on the wild side.

here's a kind of blurry photo of my lunch vehicle. i wasn't super jazzed with the woman icon at first, but it was better than all the marijuana or misfits patches. but it's grown on me. i kind of like that it feels like a briefcase. probably because it's not a briefcase, so it's sort of a novelty. if it actually was a briefcase i'd probably hate it, i'm definitely more of a portfolio kind of gal. but instead it feels like an edgy anti-establishment lunch vehicle.

lord give me grace and dancing feet,
let me outshine the moon.

licorice

leaving my door unlocked i went across the street with my kite in hand. i'd been trying to read with some difficultly on my balcony, but the pages kept fluttering in the wind as those subtly suggesting i come and play.

alone, without anyone to help me, i quickly launched my pirate ship kite into the clear blue sky in the middle of the barren field of the memorial centre. i'd never flown a kite before, well at least never successfully. up up up it went, giving me rope burn on my left hand as i tried to keep it from getting too carried away. the string began to blend into the sky which left the kite appearing to be floating independently in the air. i sat down and watched it. and soon lied down since it was so windy it didn't need help from me at all. it danced around for almost 10 minutes, i smiled to myself, and noticed a group of people who were obviously aware of the ship, but chose to ignore it. i imagined people in cars driving by, saying "hey look at that kite!" like i had once several years earlier, which had led me to that very spot on this very day.

the winds eventually died down and it became harder to launch it again. looking around for higher ground unencumbered by powerlines, i spotted a set of bleachers. standing a top, my kite easily took flight again. it was roughly 150 ft above the ground, and a good distance off i saw it's shadow moving about on the ground. my eyes then noticed my own elongated shadow which had long legs and an extended torso. my hair was fluttering around my face as i decided to lay down on the top bench. i held my kite-holding hand up into the air, and placed my other above my head on the wood beam. lying there i began to wonder if feeling beautiful was enough – if it was truly comparable to being told one was beautiful. i decided it would have to be enough, it's been a long while since i was told i was beautiful by a man who truly meant it. perhaps never actually. but no matter.

i don't know, which way the wind will blow.

tutu

i school we were taught to never paint from the tube and to never use a colour straight from the colour palette in illustrator. that concept has stayed with me. i got looking at my lunch vehicle last week and decided it was too pre-fab – straight from the tube. so i bought a patch from the jungle and ironed it on where the "thermos" patch used to be. i'm dazzled by this change. it's a nice personal touch. i think i'll buy a "you're not the boss of me" button from the goat and pin it on as well. very suitable i think.

apparently i have nothing else to say. nothing's coming to mind, so i guess i'll end here for tonight.

summertime has come and gone,
all used up with wishful thinking.

funkstation

i found me a mid-wife.

i met joanna's friend mianh tonight. she's a mid-wife in training. i told her that if i ever have a baby she can be my mid-wife. she herself is pregnant, and i was amazed by the fact that upon meeting her i reached out and touched her belly. i wonder if pregnant women get that all the time. near strangers touching their bellies. odd that it should seem strange to be touched by a stranger. i wonder why our culture became so non-touchy. so i guess the plan is that mianh will help deliver the baby and david will catch it. ya, david and i cooked up a plan that he could catch my first-born child. i promised, the only clause is that he can't disappear from my life then reappear in 10 years to catch my baby than take off again.

i was reading an article on google news today about aging. oh, did i say reading? i meant skimming the headlines. but from what i gathered, they're saying that mile-stones most 30-year-olds are hitting today were typically done by a 25-year-old in the 1970s. which make sense. who hasn't been told by their parent "by the time i was your age i'd already birthed 5 babies and bought my second house!" i think i agree with that article. or at least i would if i'd read it.

joanna gave me this shell necklace from fiji today. i like it a lot. it's long and feminine. it jingle-jangles. i like accessories.

i can't throw away my fears
up into the atmosphere.

eyebrows

i arrived home to find a flyer about sleep apnea in my mailbox. i laughed really hard at it. i don't think it was meant to be funny.

i also got my election card in the mail. i'm all weirded out because it's telling me to vote at princess street united church instead of at the memorial centre which is right across the street from my house. that's the dumbest thing i've heard! i'm hoping their simply not using it as a voting pole this time instead of sending me to the farthest one from my house for no reason. ok, so it's not the farthest. it's just around the corner so it's quite close, but it's NOT the closest!!

i LOVED my early night's sleep last night. i need to do that more often. i would've done it tonight but i hosted a meeting tonight about living room. i had a nice time getting to know tracy. i have this problem that i enjoy people and i know a lot of fantastic ones too. the unfortunate part is i also really like time alone too. it's quite the conundrum.

you think that i forgot
cuz i'm not saying anything
but i'm thinking a lot

rebellion

in spite the fact that i have loads to do tonight, i'm going to go to bed. i'm tired and it'll just have to wait for another day. i'll probably read for a bit, but i'll still be in my bed and my computer will be off. i'm pretty happy regardless of being overly busy. things are going well and i'm content :)

i burned soup the other day. the bottom is so charred i think i'll have to throw out the pot.

excuse me while i go to bed.

you don't do what i want you to.

new era

i feel icky and uninspired. my tea is too strong. not everything is about you. although, i'm not saying it's about me either. i look forward to seeing her, it's been at least 8 years, maybe 9. my pre-teen fears are stirring as i put my late-twenties fears at bay. it's too cold in this house. i like surveys, they're like tests i know all the answers to. how to i strip off the layers of my life that i don't need? i like eating apples in the fall. i'm sneaky. so sneaky you don't even know i'm being sneaky. i visited the observatory mansions and the house famous. i smell like garlic. his sincerity surprised me. even though i'm not a prude and i'm not naive sometimes i still blush.

the truth is i'm not sorry.

ostridge

i'm toying with the idea of getting fish. i'm not quite serious about it yet, but it's in the back of my mind. i've had fish in the past. countless fish actually. i even had guppies that had babies, they were fun. my last two lived almost a year, until they met their untimely and tragic deaths. it was quite sad, and yet a kind of funny. but i might just be me, i find most things inappropriately funny.

i'm enjoying the state of things. aside from my irrevocable guilt for not having enough time/energy for everything/eveyone. in a way, i feel a new level of adjustment. i'm not bursting to talk or communicate like i used to. it's almost as though i've grown really used to being on my own or something. but it might just be the fact that i'm just to tired for tale telling. it's definitely not that i don't have stuff on the brain, because i've got plenty floating around in my noggin.

i bought a plant today. for inside.

i'd kind of like a fish bowl at work. i'd do it too if it wasn't for the fact that cleaning it might be a hassle. but i could clean it after work in the washroom. maybe that's something i should consider more seriously.

i can give you life, i can take it away.

hamster

over the past week, i've denied my instinct to turn on my computer before work. it's been good, i have more time when i'm not farting around on the internet at 6:30 am. instead i listen to the cbc. beckie's right, the morning show about ontario is kind of lame, but i listen anyway. today, they touched on something i'd never thought of before. made an issue of what i thought was a non-issue. religion in the public school system. since grade two when the pulled the lord's prayer from the classroom, i've grown accustomed to religion being a taboo. it's not something discussed and it's usually ignored by institutions (government, work, school, etc). now before you jump the gun, i'm not criticizing that, i so used to that now that anything to the contrary surprises me. which is why i was so surprised to hear their arguments as to why religion should be discussed in school. they were saying that whole generations are growing up without understanding the significance of religion (even if they themselves are not religious), and in spite personal opinion there's no denying that religion plays a noteworthy role in this world. wars are fought over it. and yet we live in a society that is so politically correct that it seems they believe the only neutral approach is to ignore it completely. this was a completely new outlook for me.

this was obviously still in my head later today at work. i've been working on a powerpoint presentation to be shown at an event in kansas city. we strive to ensure that our marketing material accurately reflects a diverse company and not just white people. bearing this in mind, i selected a photo of a muslim woman. later when i was showing the presentation to knickers she was very reactionary because i'd picked a very religion specific photo. my comment was "so what if she's muslim, we work for a worldwide company". she responded saying "we're going to show a photo of a muslim woman in middle america!?!?" this stunned me and lots of other things i won't get into. this is a diverse world! and omitting something doesn't ACTUALLY make it cease to exist. and maybe if we were more educated or well informed we wouldn't be so phobic of our differences. like seriously, that encapsulates so much.

i wish i'd taken world religions class in grade 11. but i think back then i was of the wrong mentality that learning about different religions could be dangerous. flirting with philosophy. now that just seems silly.

he looked at me sheepishly. and so he should. tail between his legs. he's worse than a liar, he actually believed the things he told me. unfortunately for him, i've swallowed too many lies over the years that it's starting to come back up and i'll probably vomit all over him.

i can't spell tonight. what's up with meal words and double letters changing the meaning... dinner > diner. supper > super. dessert > desert. weird.

if they ask you how i'm holding up
say i'm holding out for the words.

rockin'

guess what!?!? i got me an elliptical! yup. and i built it all by myself. i decided that instead of renewing my Y membership that i'd buy an exercise machine for at home. i hate spending money, it gives me anxiety, but it's less than a year's Y membership so that comforts me some. i'm all excited because it's so convenient, i could even work-out BEFORE work sometimes. in theory. whether that's a theory i'll choose to test remains to be seen.

i had the sarah butler over for a visit tonight. this is a part of my new whole having people over initiative. it's such a load off my mind to not be neurotic about guests anymore. i'm still not one for spontaneous guests, maybe someday, but not someday soon.

yesterday is the 4th anniversary of my employment at bombardier.

i forgot to tell you that my favourite part of the horse races is that after the races they'd ride the horses around to cool down a bit. and sometimes the horses would be so tired that they'd let their tongues hang out the side of their mouths. it was so adorable and hilarious. i laughed to the full extent of laughter.

i'm a believer, i just need a motive.

blend

i decided that this was the day that i would cave and buy a lunch bag. ewww. i hate the sound of that, i'll call it a lunch box, hmm i already have an actual lunch box that i keep my banking in. so, yes i bought myself a new lunch vehicle to cart my food back and forth to work in without worry of spillage. i've been using an old minotaur bag, but let me tell you, it's getting rather grimy. yuck. for some reason my new l.v. (lunch vehicle) makes me feel like i've reached a whole new level of adulthood. AND like i've come full circle to childhood again. it's funny that this is significant to me because it means i've moved past my adolescence and simply recognize that having a lunch vehicle just makes good sense! and doesn't mean i'm a sell-out. frig, if ANYTHING makes me a sell-out, its that i work for the man.

i received an invitation for a work dinner on thursday night. i'm not going because i already had plans that night and i'm not going to bump them simply because my boss' boss is in town and has invited us to keep him company. he apologized that the invitation was short notice, so i think he won't mind, but other people are giving me a hard time. it's frustrating. it's not that i don't like them, it's just that my free time is limited as it is, and i'd like to do something else for a change.

i'd just like to take a moment to discuss posers. yes, posers. people who pretend to be something their not. i've spent a lot of time thinking about this, and i can't comprehend it. if you admire something so much that you want to be like that, than just do it. or if you're pretending to be something you think others want you to be, it's not worth your time! i just can't understand why anyone would bother. now, i realize that everyone to some extend pretends. i think sometimes i pretend to be a little more "with it" than i am. sometimes i just nod and pretend that i know what people are talking about. i've got to tell you, i have no idea what "emo" means. i actually think i'm not as cool as people think i am.

in light of my declaration that people should simply be who they are, i have decided to stop pretending that i use my brita filter. i drink tap water and i have no problem with that.

to my utter excitement melody just called to tell me that she's engaged. i'm so... yay! i'm excited and it's really nice because their really smart and are approaching marriage really maturely. upon reflection she is my first long-term friend to get married. yes, there've been a few from high school who i'm not in touch with, but this is melody. MELODY!

turning away from the light,
becoming adult,
turning into myself.

flameco

i did it. it's finished. i'm done.
i've finished reading harry potter and the deadly hallows. and i must admit, i'm going to miss harry, ron and hermione. i laughed. i cried. it was great. and i closed the book with a sigh and with satisfaction. books are odd specimens. we rush to complete them only to lament their finality. i feel that way about knitting sometimes, i knit-knit-knit til something is done, then when it's complete it feels anti-climatic. at least with knit-goods i get to wear it, but with books we place them on bookshelves like trophies we've collected.

as i'm enjoying escapism via books, i quickly rushed off to indigo for the next book on my list. i thought something light-hearted was in order after the intensity of the potter series, but i ended up getting something potentially dark. however, i've heard it's good so i'll trust the judgment of it's suggesters.

yesterday i had a flash of inspiration and rearranged the furniture in my bedroom. my desk is now facing the window. i think i'll buy a plant as it'll be a great sunny spot. facing the window makes for interesting viewing, i just saw a kid bike up the street with no seat on his bicycle. this new arrangement makes my room seem more spacious. funny that.

i feel like i've just woken from a long nap or broken out of a trance.

don't question why she needs to be so free,
she'll tell you its the only way to be.

skin

we went to this little restaurant called "blue fin" and ate lobster for the first time. i quickly devoured mine, which is most unlike me. i liked the bib, and kept the "how to eat a lobster" instructions.

no one i think is in my tree.

laundromat

i had me mom over for dinner tonight. it was nice. we sat talking on the couch for a long time before i made us some spaghetti. i feel like our relationship has improved drastically since our week's vacation together. i understand her so much better and i feel like we're friends again. my mom told me how impressed she was by my house-keeping, which just goes to show how far i've come since my 2007 decision to keep a tidy house.

i'm utterly amazed how simply rearranging my living room has given me a whole new lease on life. well not life exactly, more a new interest in entertaining. i'm excited about that because a) having people over is cheaper than going out, and b) it means i can be at home AND have a social life. hurray! it's the best of both worlds! however, i've decided to allot more time for myself. i need to maintain two or three free evenings a week just to be at home alone. this way i think i'll be able to avoid getting burnt out and will live a more balanced life. i wanted to make you all aware of that so if i decline on an invitation simply to stay at home alone you'll understand it's for my mental health and not because of you.

for the first time in my life i'm glad it's almost fall. usually i hate fall because it means that winter is on it's way. but this year it's a nice change and i feel as though september brings some normalcy with it. i'm looking forward to seeing the trees change colour and the smell of autumn in the air.

here's a video clip of our time at the charlottetown driving park.

i’m not who i was in the morning.

doppelgänger

HO-LY jumpin's. i just started to read harry potter and the deathly hallow, and all i can say is... HO-LY jumpin's.

i think i'm semi-addicted to reading. what is it they say? if you want to do something immediately when you wake up, you have a problem?? i'm not actually concerned about it, however i am a little worried that my reading-addiction may interfere with me having a social life. hahaha

SO the most awesome and unexpected thing happened today at work. we had an all employee meeting over in the other building at 10. all morning we wondered and speculated over the purpose of the meeting. when we arrived, no one was in the meeting area, so marilyn led us right up to the right. we sat talking for a while, the chairs filled and as we waited i saw a group of women come up to the front. i looked at them, and saw someone in particular. i had to think to myself "is that really rhonda or am i imagining things?" RHONDA WAS THERE with the health unit!?!?! it was really neat! what a hilarious surprise! i wish she came to my work every day. they were giving immunizations and she gave me my shot. heehee! seriously, i think that was the highlight of my work-week. not the needle but having rhonda at my work place.

here's the first of my vacation photos. i think i'm starting to get a bit of a rep at work for taking interesting holidays. every time people ask me where i went this time and so on. this is me and melinda outside out cabin beside the northumberland strait.

i am the pennies that come in handy.

ruckus

i don't know if i've mentioned this before, but i hate frosh week. it's probably because i didn't attend a university and therefore missed out on all the frosh events of most of my peers. they're rude and obnoxious and don't give a flip about THE RESIDENTS OF THIS NEIGHBOURHOOD!!!

so you wanna see a pic of my new living room set up? this is only one specific angle, it's an L shaped room, so a good portion of it is missing. i think it's really nice and cozy. i couldn't be happier :) i bought that ceiling lamp in p.e.i., it's a miniature version of a lamp at my mom's house that i've always loved. i bought that bowl on the small trunk too, and a number of other things not shown. this is what it used to look like.


catherine sandwich was in town this weekend, this was a pleasant surprise since she emailed me recently to say she won't be moving back to ktown until september 2008. she came over for a quick visit before heading to the airport. it was funny because i had lots to tell her and the tale started from about 2 days after she had left for the summer. i really like her, it felt like no time had passed at all, it was sad seeing her go. she's really funny, i don't know why, she just is. i planned to make rice krispie squares for us to eat while she was here, but we got pitas instead. so now i have a box of cereal and marshmallows ready to prepare for my next guest. i think that's a rather ingenious plan if i may say so myself.

i should turn off my computer for the night. i'm finding i'm quite enjoying not having my computer on all the time. maybe i won't even turn it on before work tomorrow. that would probably make me more on time wouldn't it?? i won't be wooed into farting around the internet when i'm supposed to be having breakfast or combing my hair.

are you out there, can you hear this?

ottoman

while in p.e.i., melinda and i listened to the french radio station in our little cabin most of the time. we wouldn't normally do that, but we kind of liked not knowing what they were saying. when we weren't listening to that, we'd listen to "spud fm" or to the cbc. melinda is a bit of a radio buff, or perhaps simply a radio nerd. i, on the other hand, rarely listen to the radio. however, i found i quite enjoyed the cbc and decided to tune my home stereo to it so i can listen as i make dinner or do dishes. quirks and quarks always reminds me of my mom, it makes me think of spaghetti dinners and coming home from piano lessons. for the first time in my life, i'm starting to see my mom in myself. not just in listening to the cbc, but in other ways too. probably both good and bad, but i'm just going to focus on the good aspects. foster those qualities and let the bad ones remain dormant.

ah, i love my little apartment. the maxi pad. i'm enjoying my time at home, my solitude and organizing. starting this fall i intend to find more time for myself. to learn to balance my social life and my alone time more affectively. too often it's too much of one and too little of the other. not everyone needs time to themselves, but those around me will just have to get used to my need for space and find other ways to occupy themselves in my absence.

did you know that sugar works wonders for a burnt tongue or mouth? just rub a little on and you're all set.

i wanna be there in the pouring rain.

arsenault

HEY!!

we arrived home from p.e.i. today. i had a really nice time on the island, it's extremely beautiful and picturesque. i have loads of photos that i'll be uploading later.

this trip (that trip? is it past-tense already) was one of many firsts. my first time...
• in new brunswick, p.e.i, maine, new hampshire, vermont
• on a long road-trip
• swimming in salt-water
• at a flea markert
• at horse-races
• gambling (2 dollars :p )
• at a lighthouse
• eating lobster, oysters, and mussels
• biking 10 kms
• i saw wind-turbines in real-life
• i ate cows ice cream
• playing rummy

this trip has perked my interest to travel more within canada. i was wrong in assuming most of canada is like ontario, when in fact ON is probably the least exciting of them all (as an ontarian). this is a frickin beautiful country, it's kind of dumb that i'm only cluing into this now. i guess that's sort of typical.

i bought quite a number of things at the charlottetown flea market, and this afternoon after having a long nap i re-arranged my living room. partly to integrate my new items but mostly because i have never been satisfied with the layout of my living room. but now i LOVE it. it's so homey and cozy and i just want to be in it all the time. it will be a decent balcony replacement over the winter.

it's nice that i have two days off before returning to work. i'm just going to hang-out in isolating for the next few days. have some peace and quiet before getting back into the rat-race. i've spent the day in silence. the only music i've listened to is the sound of the crickets outside.

impromptu

if i drove up eighty-seven
up past montreal
following the bluest veins
following through icy rains
would i emerge in the present
and know just where to begin
and you say yeah, but why so cold, and so canadian
i guess it's got to feel like some exodus
and if i succeed, well there will be more of us
and if i don't well i don't really know

girls
who have found our unsung nation
where we left so much land to itself
that everyone had her own mountain
well if you think of this girl and the dreams that made her
write your secrets on hornet nest paper
and blow it high across the border

fortnight

these are my hands.

i spent the day in today. i started to recognize that i was beginning to feel stretched and it's better to be preemptive then have to recover in the aftermath. i got a lot accomplished and enjoyed relaxing a lot too. i've started to catch on the the fact that not everyone enjoys or needs alone time as much as i do. this is important for me to keep in mind so that in the future, instead of thinking "what's wrong with that person?" i can think "he or she is different than me". everyone is different. yes, it's a little pathetic that i'm just catching on this now...

well, melinda and i hit the road for PEI at noontime on monday. right now i feel like i'm waiting to exhale. i relish the thought of taking off in the car and leaving everything behind for 2 weeks. i'm getting excited about it. i checked the forecast on the island for this next week, it'll be a little chilly but i just need to dress appropriately and i'm sure it will be fine.

i must admit something to you. my apprehension about having kids were the result of another issue. i felt as though i can't live up to the parenting level of my sister. and i loathe the thought of being compared to her parenting style/ability by the "adults" in my life. but i've been reassured that i'd be a good mom, even a cool mom who'd have a hippie baby-sling.

speaking of cool moms... i heard thru the grapevine that dawna had her baby!! congrats dawna on your new little bundle of boy. err, i mean joy.

and as the summer's ending,
the cool air will rush your hard heart away.

scotch tape

i'm up way too late, but that's ok. i won't regret it in the morning. i was up talking to my friends who have reassured me that i'm doing fine and i shouldn't listen to people who say anything to the contrary.

what's the future, who will choose it?

counter-clockwise

i made myself go to work today. i felt rotten but felt i needed to go since i leave for my second holiday on monday. i was told by several different people that i looked awful and really sick. i appreciated their sympathy, while at the same time felt kind of bad because i knew my awful appearance was largely due to the fact that i didn't wear any make-up today. i did that on purpose because i felt really crappy and thought if i wore make-up i'd look fairly healthy. i wanted it to be obvious that i was still sick. i didn't intend for people to recoil in disgust. hahaha. i see the humour in it, inspite the fact it's got me wondering how i managed to get any boyfriends before i started wearing make-up. hahahaha.

p.s. i updated my blogger template and it screwed up my links. i tried to re-add everyone, if your blog is missing please let me know. k?

you don't know how precious you are.

these

i had to call in sick today. my cold had intensified and was full-fledged by morning. i've spent most of the day reading harry potter, sleeping and drinking neocitran. right now i feel kind of hungry but i don't have much of an appetite. maybe it's because i have no sense of taste so eating is not very enjoyable right now. i hope my boss wasn't too put out that i didn't come in today, but i was just so sick i couldn't have gone to work.

lately i've been surprised by what comes out of my mouth. not bad things, just things that i didn't realize were so important to me until i hear myself talking about them repeatedly.

it's hard to live the way we want because we're constantly resisting ourselves. deep down we have hopes and expectations, and it's almost impossible to detach ourselves from that. hope is a double-edged sword. i do have wishes, but to stop myself from getting hurt i tell myself that i don't really what such-and-such. but i've had enough of that, i don't want to live in denial. i just want to be content, and if that means admitting certain disappointments than i guess i'll have to get used to that.

the other day my foot was aching when i stepped on a certain part of it the wrong way. this has been happening a lot, and i'd grown annoyed by it. for a split second i thought i'd just cut that part off of my foot and that would solve the problem. then reality kicked in and i remembered that was not a solution at all!! that's the kind of person i am. when something hurts i cut it off. i don't know what else to do! it sort of worked once, a temporary solution, but it doesn't really fix anything. i honestly don't know what to do with myself sometimes.

if i seem to be afraid
to live the life that I have made in song,
it's just that i've been losing so long.

surrogate

it's awkward when someone insults me by accident. when they assume certain things about me (usually that i have the same opinions or outlook as them) and as a result mouth off about something, bashing me in ignorance. then i feel too embarrassed to speak up and say "actually, i'm [such and such]". and i KNOW they'd feel like a jackass as well, because for the most part, no one actually wants to be rude and offensive intentionally.

terrence and i went all out with the calamari tonight. we planned to go out for calamari and took that mission quite seriously. we went to tango and got tapas. 4 different kinds, 2 of which were different kinds of calamari. it was really fun. i always have a good time with him. however, i find it IMPOSSIBLE to tell when he's kidding or serious. however, i do usually figure it out then laugh extremely loud because i was duped again. i apologized for my loudness, but he assured me that he didn't mind at all. later, the people behind us were being really rude and obnoxious and actually called US "the loud people behind them". well at least terrence didn't have to apologize for me when i left the table. to our great delight we discovered that we went to tango the night that all tapas were 40% off! awesome.

well i should go. the knickers gave me HOMEWORK tonight (ARGH!?!?!). honestly, i don't know how i'll get that done unless i stay up late, which will (no doubt) make me feel like crap when i wake up in the morning. and my job performance will suffer :( it's a lose-lose situation.

i don't agree with this whole "a picture's worth a thousand words" thing. i'm on book 5 of harry potter, and even though i loved the movies when i watched them, they PALE in comparison to the books. there just aren't enough pictures in the world to explain certain things. i know there are some things in my most inner being that couldn't be expressed, couldn't be understood any other way but thru words.

these days i seem to think a lot
about the things that i forgot to do
and all the times i had the chance to.

snore

i have found that once something is thought to be certain it immediately becomes uncertain. upon concluding something is permanent it subsequently gets taken away from me. i feel like i live above water, and every once in a while it gets stirred and washes everything away. what can i say? what can i do? all i know is that it doesn't work the same way for crappy things. upon accepting something is miserable, the misery usually remains.

i feel rattled, and unfortunately it will take some time to recover.

the festival was great yesterday and it reminded me that my stage of life is A-OK and i wouldn't want to be in any other phase. i'm questioning myself and the things i always thought i wanted. marriage. children. thankfully i don't have to make any life changing decisions right now, but i'm plagued with doubts about whether or not i want children. i'm not convinced i'd make a good mother. i am not maternal. the thought of having to teach and instruct another human being – educate them about the world they live in – just seems like an enormous task and not something i'm even remotely up to. yes, i know all the token pep-talks "you could do it", "it's different with your own child", "maternal instincts will kick in". i'm aware of all these things, i just am doubting if that's something i actually want to do. i suppose that if i met the right person i'd be happy to squeeze out his child, that's not really the issue. i'm simply turning a deaf ear to my biological clock and it's not intimidating me anymore.

how did i get onto that topic?!?! i guess it's just something that's really been saturating my thoughts after spending a week observing families up-close and far-away.

my neighbour gave me a bottle of red wine and a calendar for taking care of her cat while she was on her own family vacation (and swearing she'd never do that again). i've never been given a bottle of wine before. i feel like such a grown-up.

on that note: i've concluded i'll truly be a grown-up when i stop feeling a need to announce "look at me! i'm a grown-up!" just like joelle will actually be a big girl when she stops telling everyone "i'm a big girl!"

well i suppose i need to get into bed so that i might sleep off this hung-over feeling i have from being up so late last night. feeling exhausted is not the ideal condition for returning to work after holidays.

beckie has just returned home. i'm outtie here.

nobody gives a damn either way.

emancipated.

i'm home. i feel exhausted. i'm relieved that even though it took me one week to lose my identity, it only took one day to regain it. i had a GREAT time at the wolfe island music festival today. i'll tell you more about it tomorrow. but for now i should head to bed. poor beckie and kevin had to drag me up queen street on the way home.

how as camping? not so great. it was like i was 15 again, i felt like i was stuffed in a show box. i love my family but i don't think vacationing with them is a good idea.

you never really understood me.
you never really tried.

saffron

ah. today was my first day of vacation. i took today off work (i basically had my civic holiday today instead of monday) and used it to run errands, do chores, bake, and start reading harry potter and the goblet of fire. it's been a really nice day, and once again i'm struck by just how awesome my balcony is. i'm quite tired and think i'll pack it in shortly seeing as i leave for camp in the morning.

i'm pretty organized, i made up a master packing list on my computer so that every time i travel i won't need to create a new list. it made packing really easy. hahaa, i think packing is mostlikely the most frequent-boring topic i discuss on pspd. honestly, i think i talk about packing a great deal, and i do it completely aware that it's really quite a dull subject. hahaha. well too bad.

i'm determined about a couple things going into this camping trip:
1) that i will not be snippy with my mother.
2) i will pull my own weight. and perhaps help carry others.
each year i show my family a little more that i am growing up. i don't want to be the thoughtless baby who needs someone to prompt her to start dinner/do the dishes, or expect to eat everyone elses snacks. i don't know how it works for most people, but sometimes i find myself realizing "hey! i can do (such-and-such). i don't need to wait for someone else to do it, i'm just as capable as the next guy". i feel a lot more prepared this year, i took my responsibility of providing two meals very seriously and actually grocery shopped in advance instead of leaving it to the morning of and making us all late. i don't think it's that i'm immature for my age, i've just never needed to excerise maturity in that way before.

i live on the widest and smoothest street in all of kingston, and yet they're doing construction right outside my window. they're tearing up the street so they can widen the sidewalk. there was nothing wrong with the sidewalk, it was already at least a foot wider than your typical walkway. as i sat on my balcony today i had to listen to loud machines and tanned men speaking in portugese. i was both astonished and slightly amused that they chose to camp out on my neighbours front lawn during their lunch and break. it must have been because of our big tree that stands between our properties. although, the m centre front lawn is right across the street, and there are picnic tables in the shade. it was both enterting and puzzling.

it was one hundred degrees,
as we sat beneath a willow tree,.

guillotine

it's four in the morning and i'm having a crazy bout of insomnia. i KNEW i shouldn't have had that coke!! it's annoying because i'm physically tired, but my mind is completely sober. it's also stiflingly hot, so i think i might hop in the shower to cut the tension caused by the humidity. you know when it's so hot your body feels on edge?

i'm happy to say i'm completely over my summer crush. the thing that amazes me is how quickly a crush can turn to "oh my goodness, i can't stand that guy!" but anyway, hooray for me! i love being crush-free. let's hope this lasts a while, shall we?

maybe i'll go take that shower and see if anything else comes to me other than "i feel ookie and gross". ah! much better.

so now that august is here, i'm getting all geared up for vacation. i leave on saturday to go camping with my family for a week, then later in august melinda and i are road-tripping out to PEI. i'm excited because i've been desperately in need of a break from my 40-hour work week.

i just finished the third harry potter book. and when i say just finished, i mean during this mid-night break from sleeping. so far it's my favourite, i like them all, but for some reason this one particularly tickled me.

well i'm going to try and sleep again. got to be up at a decent time tomorrow. wish me luck.

i've got this energy beneath my feet,
like something underground's gonna come up and carry me.

godspeed

too busy

and

too tired for blogging.

must go to bed.

no time or energy to write thoughts.

will write again some day when have more of above stated.

don't you worry it'll all work out.

diagonally

all day long it's felt like i was on vacation already. oh what a harsh reality will hit me at 6:20 tomorrow morning when i wake for work. ugh.

i got to give myself one more chance,
to be the woman that i know i am.

periphery

uh-oh, my fridge is making a crazy and loud sound nonstop. this can't be good. my landlord won't be pleased if he has to replace it, it might ruin his budget.

well, as you may have noticed, i haven't posted since wednesday. this is most unlike me. i've been really busy and not finding the time for all i want to do. even today, i had such a jam-packed day that i forgot to brush my teeth. i slept til 1 pm, which was great and clearly something i needed to do, but as a result half the day was gone. beck stopped by for a long visit then i headed to melinda's place for her birthday bbq. it was really fun, i don't recall when i went to a bbq like that last, i really enjoyed it.

i was telling beckie today that my hair is really poofy after showering. i didn't know what to do with it today because it had so much volume. she said it was the humidity that i love so much, but i beg to differ. because after having it pulled back into a ponytail for a couple of hours it has de-poofed and is looking great. i'm very suspicious of the fact it always looks best when no one sees me. it feels like a ploy against me.

i think i often hold back when giving my opinion because i want people to make their own decisions. i feel it's necessary for everyone to choose for themselves, but i'm starting to wonder if in fact that might be a disservice. they can still make their own choices, but they might be more informed. i guess i'm just afraid that someone might turn around and say "you told me to do this! i never wanted to but you thought i should and now look what's happened!!" i like to be responsible for my own bad decisions, so there's no one else to blame but myself. hence my tendency to leave others to their own devises. but i promised a friend today that i would always be honest with her, and i intend to be.

i want to make a "in ten years" book. i want to make a collective journal in which myself and all my friends write to foretell where/what they will/want to be in ten years. that might be difficult, i can't even predict what i'll be doing at thirty. sometimes that's exciting, other times i'm terrified. what if i'm nothing, what if i fail. am i undeserving? i can't decide. sometimes i think i deserve everything, other times i feel entitled to nothing. i'm a dreamer, a poet in my own right – easy swept up in romantic notions of life. i want in on all of lifes secrets, but i need to fight the urge to read the last chapter. what's going to happen. how's it going to end. those are questions that can wait. knowing what happens only takes away the enjoyment.

mystery is both over and under-rated.

since then it's been a book you read in reverse
so you understand less as the pages turn.

queen anne's lace

ugh, i'm freakin' exhausted. dead on my feet.

frank and i went to ottawa for a photoshop seminar today. it was really awesome. i'm in the coolest profession :D i learned a lot, probably much more than frank, but he's been at it for longer than me. it was really neat. i'm a nerd.

ugh, that's all i can tell you right now. i wish i was in bed an hour ago.

am i wrong to want more than a folk song?

envelopes

how are things? i'm plugging away on hatch. i'm pleased with it, even though it's progressing slowly. i've listen from k to m on my itunes. i guess that doesn't sound like a lot, but it really is. if you'd passed my house this evening you would have seen me air-drumming thru the window. that might account for my slow goings.

oh frig, my mom tried to set me up with some guy today. it was awkward. i politely told her i wasn't interested and am happy in my current state. i'm light-years away from desperation.

i've concluded that i've developed quite the potty-mouth. this shouldn't surprise me because my boss swears like a sailor, but it was still something i wasn't aware of. i only swear when i'm angry or expressing myself, but considering my scottish-irish genes this happens quite a lot. i must learn to put a rein on my tongue.

i need a picture of a cemetery. anyone? anyone? seriously, the first person to get me a photo of a graveyard will get... something really cool.

summer is the time when one sheds one's tensions with one's clothes, and the right kind of day is jeweled balm for the battered spirit. a few of those days and you can become drunk with the belief that all's right with the world. ~ ada louise huxtable

quite contrary

admittedly, i have had a really great weekend and wish that i did not have to go to work tomorrow. besides the fact that it's always super fun to be at home putsying around in the warm weather, i'm starting to really get into my layout of hatch and would prefer working on that tomorrow to going to work.

this afternoon i went to the next/rustle old fashion church picnic. and i must say it was really quite fun. i only recall going to one church picnic before and that was when i was a pre-teen. i remember sitting on a dock with melinda at lemoine's point. it was one of our first hang-out times and i remember feeling very awkward. i was shy, and before then she and i had always been sworn enemies. anyways, back to the present. i took the cookies that i baked yesterday along with a blanket, and a frisbee to eat off. it was fun. we played a number of picnicky games, the most hilarious was the one when we have to spin around with our heads to a baseball-bat then run to a destination. i knew i would suck at it, but i didn't expect to be AS terrible as i actually was. oh dear...

i really enjoyed getting the opportunity to chat with a variety of different people. i'll never forget when gerald suddenly smashed the watermelon only 2 feet away from me. eww.

i think i have a sun burn. oh, bad news... i caved and used a fan in the maxi pad. couldn't make it the whole summer! oh well.

i got soul, but i'm not a solider.

watering can

melinda and i watched "20 best brit bands from the last 25 years" on much more music tonight while we made avocado mouse. it ironically also turned out to be the "top 20 most sexually ambiguous bands" list. or so it may seem. i'm not sure what that says about british people.

when i woke up (at 12:45) i felt an overwhelming urge to bake. this is most unlike me. regardless, i DID bake some cookies, and had to make two trips to the store for supplies. i'm thankful that i discovered that the hind-quarter deli is so frickin close to my house. handy! i've deemed it my new corner store. things change. today i became a baker, what will i be tomorrow?!?!

sometimes i get an urge to be isolated. i aspire to be like amélie. she was very secluded.

melinda did a simpson avatar of me. what do you think? is it in my likeness??

and sometimes you close your eyes,
and see the place where you used to live,
when you were young.

listen to what i'm not saying.

percentage

i've been recruited as the designer of the secondary issue of hatch. the zine produced by storytellers anonymous. al, brenda and i rendezvoused at the maxi pad to discuss this months issue. i've committed to next wednesday as a deadline for the first draft. it was fun hanging out with them. man, that al is snoopy :p

al so busted me. we'd made a pact to never join facebook, and now i've betrayed him. oh how he made me grovel.

i'm feeling borderline insane these days. it's possible that reading harry potter is helping me retain my last shred of sanity. escapism is a necessity. i think me and everyone i know is getting the vacation bug.

the trouble is my head won't let me forget.

user friendly

i never cease to be amazed by what i'm capable of doing when i'm on my own. often i'm faced with unpleasant tasks, injuries or events when i'm alone, but i always rise to the challenge. phew! that's a reassuring thought for an independent lady. this evening i had to cut down a hornet's nest that was tucked in the corner of my awning. believe me, this was something i'd much prefer to leave to a friend or big burly man, but there were none around. just me. i had to be my own mcknight in shining armour. and it was fine. i've been taking care of myself a long while now. it can be exhausting, but when you haven't known anything else it's not so bad. at least i don't have to take care of anyone else.

this morning i dropped a full glass of milk in my bedroom and it shattered all over the floor. needless to say, this made me late for work.

i have some strange social reservations. do you suppose that can be overcome with a little practice and a little pixie dust?

what's new in my adventures in facebook land? well i've gotten in touch with a couple people from college and a came across some CRAZY mutual friend situations i was unaware of. so far i can safely say things i haven't gotten carried away. i almost think the novelty is wearing off already.

everyone's a captain kirk.

open

well, i've reactivated my facebook account. i hope you're all happy. those of you who've been hounding me.... you KNOW who you are ;) i had to ask terrence for some help. it was hilarious – the blind leading the blind. it's rather cumbersome.

today is miss joelle's fourth birthday, but she's in germany with the oldings. so i went out for rhonda's birthday instead. they share the same birthdate. super cool.

i made fermented orange juice today in my nalgene bottle. well i didn't make it exactly, more discovered it when i opened the lid and it'd become carbonated.

well for some reason my head is over heated. terrence said when i feel the the burn it means facebook is working properly.

if i only knew the answer,
i wouldn't be bothering you, father.

ruler

why does my hair always look it's best right before bed, or when no one else gets to see me. it's a shame really.

i've self-diagnosed myself with a sleep-disorder. well, sort of. i'm going to force myself to get into bed at the same time every night and try and do restful things before bedtime (not run a marathon and then get into bed. haha, like i'd ever do that. i'm sure gen would discourage that). i have a serious problem with not being tired, not being able to fall asleep and then wake up in the morning feeling ill with tiredness. i badly need a vacation. however, more sleep will have to do the trick in the meantime.

this morning i woke up feeling like death and proceeded to have the crappiest morning. it was terrible. one thing after another. when i was a kid, my family's favourite book was alexander and the terrible horrible very bad day, and let's just say i was having one of those mornings. it kicked my ass! but oddly enough, the afternoon was significantly better and by the time i drove out of the bbd security gates i was thinking what i great day i'd had. this made me stop and reflect on how quickly i get over stuff. it doesn't take much to wipe the slate clean of something crappy. which i think is really great and i appreciate it a great deal, however i recognize that it can be hard for others when i'm all like "la la la" and they're still upset about something that happened. i have a selectively bad memory.

well my eyes are feeling droopy. this could be a good sign.

if i find my own way,
how much will i find?

dragon

where do i start?

what do i disclose?

i'm flooded with a plethora of thoughts and emotions. and i don't know what to tell you, yet i want to spill my guts. to somehow find a way to articulate how i'm feeling in a way to get it out of my system. sometimes there just aren't enough words. sometimes there are, but speaking them makes no difference.

i need to talk to you, but you're so tight-lipped i can never extract from you what i need to hear! you frustrate me to high heaven and there's nothing can be done.

on a complete different note...
david came to ktown for a visit this weekend :) it makes me smile to even talk about him again. it was really great to see him and i'm SO SO SO glad that we've resolved everything between us. i had a lot of fun with him and terrence last night, although the two of them together keeps me on my toes. i've concluded that david has crazy powers of suggestion over me, and told him that if he ever became a dark lord he'd have no problem convincing me to join him on the dark side. keep in mind we went to see harry potter, so i've got this whole dark-side mentally going on, however, he has me almost convinced to bite the bullet and re-join facebook. ya i know... well i guess that was a little heads-up on things to come.

i sat reading on my balcony this afternoon and dozed of a little. it was sunny and breezy and made me wish i had a hammock to lie on. and a body to lie with.

i have a feeling i will sleep very lightly tonight. i guess i'll have to try my best to create a sleep-friendly environment.

i don't know anymore
what it's for
i'm not even sure
if there is anyone who is in the sun
will you help me to understand
cause i been caught in between all i wish for and all i need

glow

as i walked home tonight in the dark, the though struck me... i will most likely be walking up this street alone and barefoot this time next year. but the thing is, as much as i tried to make that thought devastate me, it didn't. and i realized, i'm ok!

my world is back in orbit.

give me books, fruit, french wine, fine weather and a little bit of music...

triangle

i don't know what's worse: pms or cramps. i feel like ass but at least i've regained my sanity. i felt so sick all day, it's too bad because it kind of ruined my second day of first-aid training. aside from feeling terrible, the training was really fun and i feel really confident that i have the skills necessary to help someone effectively. i realized that i haven't done first-aid training in 13 years when i was doing my bronze cross. things have changed drastically since then. back when i was a swimmer i enjoyed the first-aid stuff so much that i wanted to be a paramedic. i've been glad i didn't go that route, however over the past two days i've been reminded why it was something that interested me so much. i'm good at it, i remember things well and catch on quickly. although, that doesn't mean i wouldn't choke when faced with a real-life crisis so i'll continue to hope that never happens.

i know i'm going to be fine. it's the uncertainty that's a killer. you're behaving badly and you have no excuse. i wonder if you'll eventually cross a line and i'll tell you i've had enough.

why are people always swearing when they pass my house??!? do i live in a particularly scandalous neighbourhood that it makes people reactionary?

i'd like a pickle. i wonder if it would aggravate my stomach...

if you always get up late,
you're never gonna be on time.

dermis

sometimes i really have lots to say and i want to tell you all about it but it's late and i haven't the time. i'm taking a two day first-aid training course at work, it's been really neat! i'll tell you more about it tomorrow. i also had beckie over for a little bit this evening, then rachel came over for a much overdue visit. we drank a little bit of bubbly ;) it's been a fun day.

i love the heat. oh baby ya!

i'm just coming here to come down.

library

the house is dark except for the glow of my mackintosh. i'm in my pjs, ready to get into bed upon clicking "publish post". it's imperative for me to gain control over my sleeping habits. my nights are wrought with sleeplessness and my mornings pummel me with exhaustion. it's like my internal clock is in a different time-zone. something must be done...

in light of my current pmsy state, i decided to do a little research into the beast that is pms. as usual i turned to wikipedia, the most trusty of all internet resource tools (and quite possibility the most incorrect). it was very educational! the symptoms were especially interesting. hurray! pms is now the excuse for even more bad behaviour! w

i picked up a copy of harry potter and the philosophers stone the other day. it's an easy read, just a fun story, it's nice to get lost in such things. yes, this IS my first time reading it, i was really slow in boarding the harry potter train due to various overly zealous church-goers i know. the "controversy" over harry (if we can call it that) turned me off the whole deal until i came across the first movie on tv one summer's eve in 2005. since then my life has changed :p

you always played it by heart,
like a patron saint or a patron of the arts.

red flag

dreams are something that have always been analyzed. what do they mean? are they prophetic? are they symbolic? for me, they unlock my subconsciouses. they allow me to explore avenues that my normal controlled self won't allow, because it's dangerous or hurtful. i also find, on numerous occasions i've found myself in circumstances that i have previously dreamt. all of a sudden a dream i'd had months ago will flash into my head, and i'll recall "i dreamt this moment". it's as though my mind has a still-frame that my real life walks into. it's really trippy. it's some crazy form of déjà vu.

i don't like who i am when i'm around her. i'm disdained or goofy, and she makes me feel like i only have unintelligent things to say. but let me tell you, i'm not nearly as stupid as she thinks i am.

good news... i'm well on my way to being a normal contributing member of society. today i went to rustle church. al asked me to do the reading, i almost declined because of my fear of reading in public, but instead felt it would be another step to overcoming that insecurity. so i did it. and i think i did pretty good! yay!

i promise you i will learn from my mistakes.

cupcake

i knew i pmsing when the librarian told me the book i wanted was out and i almost cried.

forced to live like it's a curfew,
translation: it means i love you.

copious

i might be too expectant. it's completely possible that i expect too much from my life and it may not deliver. i'm not convinced that people who demand the most are the most satisfied. to the contrary, i think people who expect little end up pleasantly surprised. but i don't think it's the kind of thing you can just turn off, or teach yourself not to do. i'm afraid my gut instinct is most often detrimental. how do you live when your greatest opposing force is yourself? it's like trying to will yourself into complacency, which i think completely defeats the purpose.

was it ever hard to justify it
to someone else or to yourself?

hawthorn

i MUST get into bed at a reasonable time tonight. ideally early, but we'll see how that goes. i've been exhausted getting up all week, and this morning i was extremely grumpy because i couldn't find my pants and it made me late for work. i spent 10 minutes looking for them. it was so mind-boggling – like how can you lose a pair of pants?!?!

i go thru stages where i feel a need to talk a lot. this is not one of those times. i'm feeling very non-conversational lately, and that frustrates me because i have little to say in social situations. my head is empty of it's usual anecdotes and tales. i've decided that reading is a good solution to this problem, it will fill my mind with stuff, since it's been quite barren of thoughts.

i rode my bike to reid's dairy tonight where i bought a box of 24 banana popsicles. they will provide me and my guests hours of eating pleasure. come to my house, we'll eat one together.

i think we're more influenced by the people around us than we realize. and yet, we can live our entire lives with friends and family who are completely different than us, and remain unaffected. it's been a while since someone new has strongly influenced me. the impact is subtle but it doesn't go unnoticed.

i'm in a race against the clock. can i be in bed in eleven minutes??

rebecca, i overheard the plan,
but i don't know what happens when you're gone.

mother parker

tell me something. it's totally weird that when i put down saucers of tuna fish water for my kitties today that they ran away right??

on the way home from work, i passed an accident. a car had obviously prematurely turned left and sideswiped another. as i peered onto the scene i saw an old lady standing just out of the way, clearly trying to calm herself after being struck on her way to who knows where. when i saw her my heart went out to her. she looked to fragile & alone and yet sweet & gentle. it both frightened and comforted me. i suppose in a way, being old is no more scary than it is to be young.

i've been surprised by how my summer is unfolding. it's not bad, i guess i'm just surprised it's so different than what i expected. but i suppose it's true what they say that things change fast. but why is all the wrong things? or why is it everyone else?

joy is the kind of person who learns from other people's mistakes, where i'm the kind of person who will only learn by doing. but at least i learn. i'm relieved to see that i'm sort of getting the hang of things. and i've discovered that whatever's not actually "the end of the world" are usually things i can do without.

i could do a lot of things
and i do.

rolling pin

there's a mosquito in here!!!

frank cautiously approached me this morning and asked how i was. i told him i was fine and politely asked how he was in return. he said he was fine too, but quickly went back to me, he was concerned. he said i looked like i was really upset, like my whole world had come crumbling down. this alarmed me. because i don't feel that way, and yet it caused me to second guess myself and wonder why my face was giving that impression. sometimes my face looks angry when i'm simply just not smiling. but he said i didn't look angry, i looked upset. i really wasn't upset though. i'm certain i was just tired and feeling the work-week kick-in.

i worry about what messages my face is conveying. what secrets it's revealing. beckie assured me this weekend that a person would really need to know me in order to determine what my face is saying. i'm relieved. i worry that my eyes tell too much.

you're looking over my shoulder.

if i can be
constant and faithful,
you'll find me
in my devotion.

tupperware

beckie arrived home friday night, and has kept me very busy all weekend. it's been really nice having her back, and i've loved having her company around the maxi pad. i like that i don't have to entertain her and feel free to do my own thing since she does her own thing.

i made salsa twice this weekend. the first time my hand got a cramp, the second time i used melinda's hand bender that i found in my cupboard (which is actually the reason why i made it the second time).

it's been a really relaxing long-weekend, saturday we did errands, cooked, walked downtown, watched "maid in manhattan" on t.v. followed by "dazed and confused". interesting combo. gotta love late night tv.

yesterday beck headed up to her cottage and i joined her after i had sunday lunch with my family. i got lost twice, but you know, it's not a real road trip in the batmobile if i don't get lost several times. i apparently take instructions very literary. anyway, we had a lot of good laughs, good talks and good eats. we listened to a lot of ani difranco and went canoing.


i think i'm chickening out about this tattoo thing. i think i'd rather wait until i have no apprehensions. maybe it's the kind of thing that you can't feel 100% without apprehension, but i'd rather feel more certainty than i have been feeling.

my life is good. i have great friends. i have a home that fits me like a glove. i have an awesome church community. i have an ideal job. i have two little kitties that are less than family but more than a household appliance. i have good health. and a car that gets me from a to b (even if there's a few detours along the way).

i'm gonna go hit the showers to wash the smell of snails off me. later!

flickr

the world is my oyster,
the road is my home,
and i know that i'm better off alone.