astronaut boots

shanno, éamon and i went for an adventure at the mall today. we rode the bus and spent the afternoon as mall rats and ate dinner in the food court. my plan was to buy a swimsuit, but ended buying éamon a pair of jeans.

we looked at baby clothes, sat on the floor in sears while i breastfed, tried on shoes and went to target twice. shannon bought socks and one of the employees from new york fries told me about how often he changes his bedsheets. that part was awkward; otherwise, it was a fun day.

now i'm stuck looking for a swimsuit online. shannon recommended that i order two of the same suit in different sizes and return the one that doesn't fit properly. that's what her mom used to do when they lived in the country. i think that's very clever!

i have a swimsuit, but i want to buy a 1-piece. especially since i want to start infant swimming lessons in a few weeks. the disappointing thing, is that a couple weeks ago i found a really beautiful 1-piece suit on the sears website and now it's not available :S pickings are slim. i hate how expensive swimsuits can be.

have you ever heard of a joggertini? apparently that's a thing. i can't even imagine what that's supposed to be!

there's part of me that is drawn to the idea of a tankini – they're aesthetically pleasing. but i like the simplicity of a 1-piece.

ok. i need some opinions. which do you prefer. this 'swimdress' or this 'halter suit'. my housemate has no opinion on the matter and i need some feedback.

on a completely separate note, i just want to say that no one is defaming anybody.

AND i find it disappointing when people copy my creativity on facebook. hmph!

don't dismiss it like it's easy.

uncentered

this wednesday brendan installed our dryer. i love it. i feel like washing every thing just for the fun of it. not only that, i've started éamon in cloth diapers, and i get a real kick out of watching his diapers bleach clean in the sun. ah, it's the little things :)

i've been moving some furniture around the exile, and am pleasantly surprised at how spacious our den feels. it almost echos. i get a great deal of satisfaction out of maximizing space in a small house. it's also a nice reminder of what we can do without. i'm thankful for our basement, even if it's pretty disorderly down there. it's nice having a place to put things.

i'm really enjoying my mat leave. i feel like i'm especially enjoying it since i know it's temporary. that makes me appreciate it more, but it also helps my sense of identity to know that i'm returning to my previous role. shari painted my belly cast for us. it turned out beautiful, and i love seeing it hang on the wall beside éamon's crib. for some reason it makes me feel like a full fledged mama to have my finished belly cast. it feels similar to having my college diploma in the wall.

though there was a time when you and i were friends.

brown vent

it probably wasn't until i was pregnant that i really thought about what it's like to be a next kid. it's definitely a distinct thing, like being part of a family. i like that éamon belongs to a community beyond our family that care about him, enjoy him and watch him grow. nexters, myself included, get the privilege of watching these kids grow up. i like that as a group we can recall things about them, remembering quirks or things they did when they were smaller. i like that they're all different and that they're diversity reflects the diversity of the bigger world. they make us laugh, and often make us wonder.

my dad asked me the other day "did you know him well?" and i said "as much as the other kids at next. they're all like nieces and nephews". i love my actual nieces and nephews in a different way than the next kids, but i enjoy having them as part of my life just as much.

next weekend, we're going to echo lake for this year's next retreat. i'm really looking forward to it. these days it's easy and convenient to spend my evenings at home alone (or with b). and while i am enjoying this as a novelty, i am looking forward to long conversations with a variety of folks, spending time doing dishes together, eating together, sitting around on couches together, playing games together. connecting. i think it will do us all good <3

we are like windows,
stained with colours of the rainbow.

vanilla

last sunday evening, shannon hosted a surprise belly blessing for meghan. as part of the gathering we played madlibs with a story crafted by shannon. it was really funny. in hearing the humourous fictional birth stories over and over, it got me thinking about my birth story with éamon. and afterwards i concluded that i'd live that experience over again in a heartbeat. every part. in spite of the disappointments and twists and turns, it was a really great experience and i wish i could live it again as simply as re-watching a favourite movie. and just like with watching a movie for the second time, i'd know the outcome, so i'd be more relaxed and i'd be able to enjoy every small detail with deep appreciation. looking back on an experience and wishing "again, again!" is always the mark of cherished life event.

yesterday, b, éamon and i went to toronto for a jays game. i haven't been to a baseball game since i lived in TO, but i came up with the idea to go to a game since i figured it would be a good activity to do with a baby. it was really fun. we took the GO train and arrived earlier than expected (i'd anticipated multiple stops, but we didn't need any). we had really nice and close seats. AND we had 50 bux burning a hole in my pocket. we're participating in this queen's study on first time parents, and we decided to use that money for our trip to the ballpark. everything went really well. éamon was a little fussy when we first arrived. a lady sitting close to us asked if it was too loud for him, but i told her he was just grumpy, and he soon fell asleep. we actually thought the noise level was good since it drowned out his cries and didn't disturb the people around us. that said, he only fussed for 5ish minutes, then slept through the rest of the game. there were these two girls behind us who where there with their boyfriends. they just yapped through the whole thing and were super annoying, but seemed to talk less as time went on. b thinks they were picking up on the fact that everyone around them were trying to watch the game. i haven't watched a lot of baseball since the early 90s, so i was surprised to discover that all the honoured players who's names were on display were people i knew.

i bought a hot dog from a vendor after the game. he was yelling something to attract customers. it sounded like he was saying "i love the ladies" over and over.

this is how we do it.

pierce

i'm pretty sure someone is living in their car out front of our house. it has american plates, a makeshift bed in the back, and a pair of jeans draped over the roof of the car. i wonder if there's something i should do. drop of a box of crackers or something. it seems like a temporary living situation.

when my parents sat us down to tell us that my dad was thinking about leaving, i didn't really know what i felt. it was confusing and upsetting. i remember that my stomach ached. i remember running after him and hugging him around his waist and telling him that i still loved him. i don't remember if i cried. i didn't cry two months later when he did eventually leave – very abruptly. i didn't talk about it with anyone. i withdrew. i'm an introvert who deals with her feelings surprisingly stoically. i say surprisingly because i'm someone who expresses feelings of joy very openly. no doubt, i would've eventually talked out my feelings if there had been a safe person who knew how to draw me out. but instead, it took over ten years before i took time to process my feelings and cry. thinking back, that only happened because someone gently asked the right questions and made me feel safe enough to let down my guard.

this probably goes without saying, but i'm someone who writes. i write so i can process. i can say things in writing that i can never articulate out loud. i don't know if i'm emotionally stunted or if it's just my nature, but i don't respond to sorrow the way other people do. i don't cry when things are sad. i don't want to be with others and share the sadness. i withdraw because, for me, pain (any kind of pain) is private and requires space.

i'm struggling right now because my response is so different than everyone else's. i know that my feelings are just as deep and complex as everyone else's, but i process and cope much differently. i guess i'm just not sure if i'm normal (healthy, well adjusted) or if there's something wrong with me.

when i cannot sing my heart,
i can only speak my mind.

sudden

sometimes when awful things happen in life, i distract myself. like right now.

b and i watched a documentary on netflix last night called "the other f word" about punks and fatherhood. it was interesting. i have to admit, there's a much larger punk underground than i was aware of. it mostly featured guys from punk bands who now have wives and families. i was surprised that most of the wives just seem like regular soccer moms. anyways, it seems that all those dudes are committed fathers. it also seems like they all had really rotten fathers themselves, but were determined to be the kind of dads they didn't get to have. it was hope-inspiring. it was also disturbing that there wasn't a single one of them that had a healthy relationship with their dad. i would ask "what does this tell us?", but i already know.

it's hard to be distracted for long. i just feel sick to my stomach. i'm eager for brendan to get home. i just want him near, even if we're silent.

everything's gonna be alright
rockabye, rockabye, rockabye.

familiar

there's nothing like a pair of jeans to prompt someone into being mindful of what they eat.

now that the chillier weather is upon us, it occurred to me that the only pair of pants i fit into are yoga pants. so éamon and i took the bus to the riocan yesterday to go jean shopping. it seems to me that baby weight hits the middle and the face, while the rest of me feels pretty normal. now that i'm wearing these unrelenting pants (i made sure to get some that were slightly snug, knowing that they would loosen with use), i consider myself on the road to weightloss. not that i'm in a major hurry, but i feel that i've reached my statues of limitations for eating random things. it's just tricky being allergic to the most convenient of fruits :S oh well, i'll find a way around that as usual.

the bus was fun. for a few moments i thought i'd like to be a city bus driver. but then i changed my mind and decided i'd like to get paid to ride around on the bus all day people watching.

brendan has wednesday afternoons off, and i've been enjoying his company all summer. i'm glad that we'll continue to have those afternoons off together even though it's september. this afternoon we bought andrew and shannon a new refrigerator :D it felt funny walking into a store and telling the staff "we'd like to buy a fridge" because i've never done that before. it also felt funny that they staff treated us like adults with the means to buy a fridge. we also bought a dryer, which we'll pick up next wednesday (it had to be ordered in because it's a compact drier).

hard times ain't gonna rule my mind.

soap

brendan and i love going camping. it's the perfect get away from regular life. as we anticipated having a baby, we kind of wrote off doing regular summer activities (except for wolfe island music festival). but once éamon arrived and we'd started getting into the swing of things with him, we'd started giving camping some consideration and decided on a one night camping experiment. the logic was that he's small, non-mobile and is nursing, so in some senses that makes camping easy.

so we went to our favourite site at bon echo. everything went really well. éamon slept as we got set up, just hung out while we ate dinner, and slept perfectly at night. i was worried that he'd cry and wake people up, but he didn't make a peep until 7 am. i nursed him three times in the night and he slept right through them. i'm pretty proud of him :)

one surprising thing about becoming a parent is that i've become more easy going about things that would've previously made me mad. as evening was upon us, brendan went to find the flashlights and quickly discovered they'd been left behind. he'd intended to pack them – he had them at one point, but they didn't make it into the car. since there was nothing we could do about it, i didn't get mad at him, it wouldn't have changed anything. instead i just told him "don't worry about it. these things happen. we'll manage somehow". and we did. we used the screen from our camera as a light source. i'm thankful everything worked out and it didn't becoming a big thing.

my only "regret" about our camping trip was that it was so short. i wish we'd gone for longer, BUT there was no telling how éamon would be. and really, there's no guarantee that he would've been as easy going for a second night. i'm glad we quit while we were ahead.

no time left to start again.

deflect

whenever i see someone, specifically a woman, with dreadlocks i have this sense of camaraderie. inwardly i tell them "i had dreadlocks too!!", but say nothing out loud. instead i just seem like some regular person starring at someone cooler than myself :S

7:30

i'm beginning to think our kitchen needs a little something. it lacks a certain pizazz. recently, a picture of our old kitchen came up on my screen saver. i loved that kitchen. it was old, but it had a certain quality that made it feel homey and have character. i'm trying to come up with some ideas to integrate those qualities into the kitchen at the exile. i'm toying with putting my postcards up again, but there's something about that that feels too maxipad and i think i need to come up with something different. hmmmm.

tomorrow we're going camping at bon echo. just for an overnight. i'm excited. we haven't been camping since 2011. i'm looking forward to being outdoors and sitting around the campfire. thankfully the weather is looking good and fairly warm too – a low of 18ºC.

there we were all in one place.

belize

recently, rachel had the privilege of shadowing mianh for a week in the life of a midwife. shanno and i were excited to hear about her experience so we planned to get together the three of us last night. shanno invited us over to her place. i'd planned to take éamon along with me, but it dawned on me that he'd just end up sitting in his chair upstairs and he could just as easily sit in his chair downstairs with b. i decided to just leave him at home, because b could call me if éam got hungry. i really enjoyed my time with the girls with undivided attention, and when i got home (back downstairs), he was as good as could be. b said he was fine all evening and was all swaddled tight, in a deep sleep ready for bed. i was really proud of him, and i'm looking forward to more evenings out on main street and beyond.

i've been reflecting on how it feels to discuss birth now that i've had a baby – especially since his birth didn't go the way i'd pictured. i'm still very excited about birth. it's a beautiful, amazing and mind-blowing event. the one thing that's changed is i feel more open-minded that i used to be. i think my beliefs about birth were much more narrow before. i knew that birth was unpredictable and couldn't be planned, but i had a subconscious belief that i was insusceptible to complications. so i feel humbled. to be fair, i had no reason to believe i would be high risk, but i was probably naive too.

i've also been thinking about the phrases "hospitable birth" and "home birth", and i want to re-frame them as "birth in a hospital" and "birth at home". if i'm honest with myself, i know that before my birth the term "hospital birth" was always a dirty word. for home birth advocates (i include myself in this), a "hospital birth" is the worse case scenario. since i've given birth in a hospital, i know it's not nearly as bad as i imaged, and the hospital staff were not my enemies. birth is birth wherever it takes place. it can be good or bad wherever it takes place. and i'm going to be intentional to not use labels, especially labels that can diminish or undermine. i would challenge anyone who might trivialize my experience or imply that it was sub-par because it took place in a hospital. not that anyone has, but i believe that pre-baby lesley probably would have without meaning to. so out of courtesy and out of respect for birth, i want to take this new, more inclusive approach.

moss grows fat on a rollin' stone,
but that's not how it used to be.

up/out

yesterday i was creeping a facebook friend's profile. he's a guy i grew up with, the younger brother if a elementary school friend – we used to play together the three of us. i was telling brendan about him, that he's funny and an opera singer and gay. i called b over to look at this funny cover photo he had of him sitting with an old lady on a couch as he helped her with her computer (it was funnier than it sounds). and b said "aw, look at you, all smitten over a gay guy. who would've thunk? you think you know someone..." :p i really do have a weakness for gay men.

helter skelter in a summer swelter.

snore

today is my niece's second birthday. i spent the day crocheting a blanket for her new doll, wilhelm. it turned out pretty good. i liked that as soon as she opened the present she wrapped him in it :)

one thing i was unsure about, since i've never been in this position before is whether or not to include éamon's name on the card. because it wasn't from him, he's not big enough to understand gifts or cards or signatures or birthdays or even who audrey is yet. so it feels weird. the gift was from me and b. we spent time brainstorming and gifts shopping and crocheting. in my family, my nieces and nephews buy us christmas gifts that they pick out – those gifts really are from THEM. i think i'll wait until éamon is bigger and actually knows people before gift-giving with him. i'm too practical for cute things like that.

yesterday we had our prenatal class reunion. it was fun. i was kind of dreading it because these aren't people we really got to know in a personal way, but it turned out to be a fun time and we did end up chatting outside the baby circle into people's jobs and where they're from originally. surprisingly, at least half the women's births began with their water breaking, and all of them eventually had to be induced. one girl dilated to 9 cm on her own, then digressed to 6 cm, at which time they chose to induce her. i've never heard of that before! anyways, it sounds like the group wants to keep in touch and we're talking about having another reunion in october.

earlier this week i was thinking about chopping my hair to my shoulders, BUT i think i've come up with an alternative solution. i'm just going to put my hair in two braids each day instead. it keeps it back out of my face, it doesn't get in the way when bending over, the baby doesn't grab at it, and if he does, it doesn't hurt. awesome! b said an added bonus is that i look more like the girl from little house on the prairie :S

did you write the book of love?

percolating

when looking ahead to this summer, knowing i wouldn't have to go to work or wear work clothes, i planned to go the whole summer barefoot. it's now almost labour day and i can't remember when i wore socks last, and almost exclusively wear flip-flops.

as a result, my feet have gotten very rough. i like this, it feels like a great accomplishment and will only serve to aid me in my attempt to be barefoot.

i remember being a kid and seeing my mom's rough feet. my were still all soft and pink, and i decided at the time that i never wanted my feet to be rough like that. i'm usually someone who likes to indulge my childhood desires because i want my younger self to be proud of my current self. but in this case, i think i under-estimated the benefits. a number of years ago i got a pedicure before going to mexico, and i couldn't walk anywhere barefoot because even the slightest uneven surfaces hurt my feet. i decided i'd never get a pedicure ever again.

all this to say, i consider my summer a success.

one more moondance with you in the moonlight.

spurt

today i did something i never thought i'd do.
well, to be honest, it didn't occur to me that this kind of action becomes necessary.

while walking home from an outing to downtown, i had to stop on a grassy spot just off the sidewalk on a busy kingston street to breastfeed my baby. i found it both funny and awkward. i'm sure i'll never look at that spot beside the laundromat the same ever again.

looking to the fall i'm starting to wonder if i'm going to end up being over-scheduled – which is my least favourite thing. since i have a lot of spare time, when activities come up i think "oh, i can do that" (swimming lessons, roots of empathy, volunteering at the food bank, weekly visits, etc, etc). so far i'm loving having the freedom to walk down to tara foods on a week day. i hope i preserve enough time in my week for spontaneity that when my year is over that i can look back and really feel like it was a year of freedom.

today i had lunch at the golden rooster. i just sat eating my sandwich with éamon strapped on my front surrounded by old folks. who knew so many seniors had late lunches!

someone's gonna paint you another sky.

knee-jerk

it probably goes without saying that i'm not a fan of unsolicited advise, because who really is? i like to tread carefully to not be pushy with others in general. but every once and a while, i discover something that is so great that i want for everyone to know about it, so they have the opportunity to consider/try it themselves – like diva cups and other things (that have currently slipped my mind).

my latest awesome discovery is placenta encapsulation.

what? you ask?

placenta encapsulation.

i suppose this only really relates to pregnant women, but i want to make sure i spread the word as much as possible. so by telling you folks about it, you might pass this message on to someone else to consider.

if this is the first time you've heard about it, you're probably a little grossed out. "WHAT!?!?!?" you're thinking "eat your PLACENTA??" not quite. encapsulate it, like a vitamin.

i've heard about people eating their placentas for years; provocative people bbq-ing it and enjoying the reaction it gets from others. the reality is, that placentas really do provide custom nutrients and benefits, but not all of us like to be shocking and outrageous. i consider myself the latter, so didn't think a lot about it. but while i was pregnant i started hearing more about placenta encapsulation, especially from people i consider "normal" (not "hippies", not extremists – just regular, ordinary citizens). and i started to think "if that person did it, maybe it's more legitimate than i thought" and started looking into it. this is what i discovered:

it is believed that consuming the placenta can:
• help to balance your hormones / reduces postpartum depression
• replenish depleted iron levels
• assist the uterus to return to its pre-pregnancy state
• reduce post-natal bleeding
• increase milk production
• make for a happier, more enjoyable post-natal period
• increase your energy levels

• reduces post-natal hair loss

being a person who has struggled with very difficult bouts of PMS, i've always considered myself someone at risk of major postpartum depression. brendan, being the partner of someone who has episodes of extreme PMS, was also keenly aware of how bad things could get. so when we learned that this was an option that could reduce postpartum depression, we quickly decided it was worth a shot. we had nothing to lose and a lot to gain. transitioning into parenting can be difficult enough without throwing in a hormonal hurricane into the mix.

so i started looking for someone local who provides the service and contacted someone in belleville. oddly enough between the time i first contacted her and the time i followed up with my due date and other info, the woman had had a major change in circumstances (moving) and was no longer able to provide the service. this was disappointing since i was pretty confident that we wanted to exercise this option. she offered to teach me, but i knew that i would not have the time or ability to encapsulate my own placenta after giving birth. after watching a few videos online, i asked shannon as one of my two doulas if she'd be willing to give it a try. b and i weren't sure if she'd want to do it since she's a vegetarian and doesn't like touching meat, but we rationalized that nothing died to produce this bit of flesh, so perhaps she might be willing. she took some time to consider it and do some research of her own, chatted with rach, then announced that she'd do it! in fact, they'd team up.

on the first day of my labour, shannon arrived at the hospital with cooler in hand to take home the precious specimen. she asked my nurse if there was any kind of protocol for taking it, and was told that we'd have to sign something (but in the end we didn't, they just gave it to her).

while i was recovering at KGH, shanno and rach were at work lovingly cleaning, cooking, dehydrating, grinding and encapsulating my placenta, and arrived back at the hospital with over 150 little vitamins made specially for me. the process involved boiling it with lemon and ginger, and as a result the little pills smelled amazing!

for the first two weeks i had two 3 times a day, and since then i've been taking two once a day. my first five weeks of being a parent has been amazing and positive. i avoided ANY emotional or hormonal crying fits (or any fits at all). i've had energy. my body has healed fast. my baby has been breast-feeding like a champ. i've been very happy, fully enjoying this new chapter of my life. and while i'm sure prayer has been a big factor in this, i also believe my placenta pills have been a major answer to prayer. the day i switched from six a day to two a day, i noticed a significant difference and it was definitely my most challenging day as a mother – more taxing.

and so... if you are a woman who may have a baby in the future...
or you know someone who may have a baby...

please tell them "i know this girl who encapsulated her placenta and just swears by it".

it's really not gross. it's from my own body. just like my baby is. sure, i'm not eating him, but i kiss him and think he's great. my placenta is great too, in a different way. the fact that we find it gross at first is just cultural. we're not used to it. it's no more weird than eating beef or pork.

i really could not speak more highly of this option. and while i think it's legitimate for people to opt out, i really think it's important for everyone to know about it so they don't miss out if they would've benefited from it. so please help me spread the word! :D

give thanks and praise to the lord and i will feel all right.

mosquito bites

you know what's weird?

breast pads.

not that they exist, but that i had no idea that they existed. i'd heard of them, but now that i use them, i'm shocked to discover that there's a whole industry of breast pads out there with different brands and styles. they're similar to menstrual pads in variety and target audience. i'm just amused and surprised that something of this sort existed and i was oblivious.

i'm not a very skilled out-loud reader. it makes me uncomfortable and i tend to throw in extra words because it seems i find it easier just guessing at what i'm reading rather than simply reading it. a few days ago, a lady at the health unit was encouraging us to read to éamon. she gave us a book or two. they're very short and i find them a little pointless. so i've started just reading my own book to him out-loud. the added bonus to this is that i pay attention better to the plot and it takes my mind off other things. i'm hoping that with practice, i'll improve. i find it quite poor that i've reached adulthood without mastering this skill. but i suppose people avoid the things they're not good at.

this afternoon i was quite upset with brendan's employees. he keeps having to cover their shifts at work because for one reason or another they don't show up. i spent a portion of the afternoon crafting a speech to them – imagining what i'd say if they were my employees. i was especially mad because there were things i needed to do around the house and needed b's help with because i'm not able to tend to a baby at the same time. eventually i started reading my book instead, it helped pre-occupy me. sometimes i think people don't know the difference between "can't" and "choosing not to".

just like children sleepin'
we could dream this night away.

midsummer

there was a security breech on my debit card and i had to change my pin number. i've had the same pin since i was 11 or 12 years old. i get attached to things like that. or maybe it's just hard for me to break a habit, worrying that i'll revert back to my old number.

things around the exile are good. while we don't have a routine, we have a pretty consistent rhythm. the days come and go within that natural rhythm, and i find that this new pace of life suits me just fine. the only challenge i have right now is switching the clothes in my drawers and closet back to my regular clothes. i just don't seem to have time for that, and so the boxes of clothes keep piling up.

since everything else is going so well, i feel oddly scrutinized. occasionally i'll come across someone who asks probing questions as though trying to find our achilles heel. everything is going well, we have our rough spots, but they are few and far between. even so, i kind of feel that i have to hide our rough spots so that inquiring people won't grab on to them like a dog with a bone and make a much bigger deal about them. it makes me feel defensive or protective. maybe it's because its all about perspective, and i don't want someone else getting in my head and messing with my perspective.

i'm ridding all your stories.

come by

the last few days have been filled with two main special activities.

1) the sheep dog trials

i don't know much about sheep dogging, and what i know is from the movie babe. but whenever i hear of the sheep dog trials in kingston, i always want to go, but unfortunately it always falls on the same day as the wolfe island music festival. but this year i discovered that they have events on the friday as well, so i wanted to take advantage of my unemployed state and go! i wasn't sure how éam and i was going to get there since i still can't drive and he needs to go in his carseat (with is firmly fixed in our car), but thankfully brendan got the afternoon off from work so we were all free to go. it was really fun. i would have to say that sheep dog trials are a new favourite sport of mine – partly because it seems more like an art form than a sport.

2) wolfe island music festival

even though three of the performers we were most keen to see were scheduled to play on the friday night (simultaneously at different venues), we still wanted to go. we wanted to take our tiny sidekick to the festival this year. i'd seen it done before and knew we could do it. the weather was perfect and we had a nice time with beckie, matt and ben (who was the MC). éamon did remarkably well, we were really proud of him. he was the youngest person there, but was in good company with lots of babies, toddlers and kids. in fact, this year seemed to have the greatest mix of diversity with lots of older people and not just students. while the music was alright, there was no clear stand-out that blew us away.

i'm pretty sure my family is using the word 'epic' out of context.

singing ha, ah la la la de day.

reunion

it's become apparent that i need to learn some assertiveness fast. it's not that i'm not assertive at all, but i'm really mostly just assertive with strangers. with friends, family and acquaintances, it's hard for me to express my desires and preferences because i want to be considerate of their preferences too. the problem is, that when it comes to my éamon, i can't let myself cave so easily. i find it pretty stressful when he starts crying while someone else is holding him. i don't mind if it lasts for a couple minutes, but when it last longer than five minutes and he's clearly not settling, it's hard for me to sit there watching and not step in. i find with other mothers especially, they're not alarmed by him fussing and enjoy him anyways. but i'd rather they just pass him back to me or brendan to soothe. basically, i need to find a polite way of asking for my baby back. when i let other people make decisions for him, i feel overlooked as his mom and then i get upset and start to shut down socially. what it comes down to is whether or not i feel empowered in my role as mama bear. i can't let other people make me feel insignificant because this is a special time in my life as i establish myself in this new identity.

life is full of unexpected learning curves.

to lead a better life I need my love to be here.