i'm feeling very grateful. today was probably my best day on crutches. otis and i had a good morning together, followed by a nice nap. when eamon got home from school, we hung out outside, until brendan got home and we went to the library. after dinner, i was able to do the dishes. then i spent the evening hand-crafting while watching netflix. *exhale* sometimes i takes the bad days to make the good days better.

after feeling frustratingly useless, and struggling with guilt about not being helpful enough, i found a way to work in the garden today. the bottom of my cast is covered in mud from where i rested it on the soil, but i managed to fill three yard-waste bags.

the impact of a broken foot is subtle. it's putting tidying and chores off until later, only to realize later is 5 weeks from now. it's not being able to run to my toddler who is screaming in the park behind my house when the neighbours dog has startled/scared him. it's a middle-of-the-night fight with brendan, that still has me feeling sad, even though i know the words exchanged where said in frustration, and were not sincere.

it's not that i don't know how to manage the next 5 weeks, it's that i don't want to. i wish i was just having a normal may, as planned, and not all this crap.

when i was young and on my own... i learned how to be self-affirming. words of affirmation is one of my main love languages, and i would often rely on song lyrics to give me positive and reassuring words. 

right now, with this broken foot, i'm struggling a lot with guilt. i hate inconveniencing people, and i hate that i've put the families i take care of after school in a difficult position. i've struggled back and forth, trying to decide if i could manage them with my cast and crutches, but i can barely manage my own kids. having to juggle 4 would definitely be beyond my scope of ability at this time, and i think i'd end up feeling over-whelmed and regretful. i really hope something can work out for them. 

all that said, my first order of business is to listen to a bunch of affirmative songs, such as "she's like a rainbow".

actually, on that note, brendan and i got into a small squabble recently about love song lyrics. i wanted to know what love song made him think of me, and previously he'd given me an answer that implied that there weren't any. i was disappointed by that, but i suppose this is linked to what i explained above. although, at the end of that squabble, brendan said i misunderstood him. and now that i think of it, i know that there's a few 'wings' songs that brendan associates with me. 

but enough about b, i need to give myself a dose of affirming lyrics. 

i've broken a bone in my foot. and while that's a whole other story (or rather, blog entry), i've been thinking a lot about what i'm able to cope with and do while i'm recovering.

the thing i have always struggled with is the difference between whether i can or whether i should. most of the time, i opt to go with what i can do, believing that the can = the should. however, i have had a recent experience where pretty much everyone in my life was telling me that i shouldn't do something, but i couldn't come up with a concrete reason not to (other than my instincts and everyone else's hesitations), so i went ahead. it went badly, and in hindsight i should not have agreed to it. but, as they say 'hindsight is 20/20".

so here i am, with my foot and leg in a plaster cast, hobbling around in crutches, trying to get a clear idea of what the next 6 weeks will be like. several pragmatic people in my life seem to feel that they'll soon switch me to a walking cast, and it'll be smooth sailing. but the doctor was super clear that he wanted to put me in a walking cast, but because of the nature of the break, he had to put me in a plaster cast and on crutches. others have encouraged me that i'll soon get the hang of the crutches, but i'm more doubtful. i had crutches for a time when i was 17 when i dislocated my knee – my body is 21 years older now. i don't expect these crutches to get that much easier (read: i won't ever become speedy or agile).

3 days done. 8 to go before my appointment at the bone clinic. 2 fingers crossed that our little friends will find a good after school solution.

sue told me today that they've noticed how sad i've been over the last month, since an altercation in my workplace. it's not just that one event, because since then i have been repeatedly bullied, with an open threat of more bullying. sue suggested i spend some time reflecting so i can work through my hurt and fears. 

i've felt my hurt right under the surface for the last month, and have tried to be normal while having what feels like a heavy rock sitting on my heart all this time. no amount of logic or loving affirmation from friends or b has helped alieve the hurt of being an adult bullied by someone i tried to befriend. i've been reluctant to openly blog about it, because of the fear of vulnerability if my bully finds this site and discovers that she was successful in hurting me. 

i was on the verge of tears while at the busstop today, but held it in because i needed to go pick up the kids at school. the timing wasn't right. so this evening, after watching our current netflix show, i said to b "what would you do?" and by do, i don't mean external action, but i wondered what i should do internally to take care of myself, to find freedom from this, to not feel my hurt still so acutely, to not have to hold in tears at the busstop. and as i talked with him, expressing my hurt and confusion, i cried and cried. one might even say that i wept. 

and i think i was able to cut to the deepest heart of the matter. what's always at the centre of me, and every aspect of my life. where was my love? and why did he seem so absent? why does he always disappear when i'm most hurting? i've been wanting to feel and be externally vindicated by him. i've wanted to be exonerated, but instead i've just felt uncared for. 

i think when this is all said and done, i'm going to be more callused. and when i say that, i don't mean to say that i will become unfeeling. but instead, like fingers made tough by playing guitar, that allows the musician to play better, longer, and more effectively. or like callused feet, that allow a person to walk in stones or over a rocky surface without being harmed. my hope is that i will be able to interact with prickly, angry, "dangerous" or harmful people without feeling the effects of their words and/or behaviour in a personal way. i have known people who can respond to such people with grace, maturity and dignity. and i guess i could consider myself lucky to gain something from this. 

relationally, i don't know where or how things can go from here. but i suppose, i don't need to know or have that figured out yet. the more important questions are what is it that i want, who do i want to be, and how do i do that? 

i remember hearing phylis tickle speak at an event once, and she talked about how God often uses her husband as a conduit for his love. that she can and does know God's love through the embrace or care from her husband. tonight, i sat on the couch crying/weeping, and brendan slid over beside me to put his arm around me as i belly cried. i don't know if it was in that moment that my love showed up, or if it was simply revealed to me for the first time during this "ordeal". (it's not really an ordeal. it's just a thing that happened. and as time passes it will be come a smaller and smaller thing) anyway, i'm grateful for that human love that gives me a glimpse into the big, big heart of that bigger love. 

i was in the park with otis today. he can go down slides endlessly. my interest in waiting is less than his in slides. while we were there, there were a few other moms with small children. one had a baby who could crawl and a boy around 3. she literally had her hands full. i remember that stage with my kids, and remember it as one of my more difficult stages of life. i don't miss that at all. i love this stage. where my kids have a budding relationship. where i'm freed up to be more present with them and others.

the weather was tremendous, and this afternoon, me and the after school gang played with some neighbourhood kids across the street. i don't know what i'd do without spring. it's the most hopeful season.

i remember sharing a few years ago at next about my dark night of the soul. and feeling as though i was in a spiritual winter. i feel like spring these days. new, fresh, almost an infant in some ways; but growing stronger every day.

in the last week or so, it's felt like we've been hit with a barrage of other people's problems. other people's problems are directly impacting us, and i don't really like it. maybe it's just that it's all happening at once or maybe it's just a result of living interconnected lives. regardless, i'd really like some personal space. it's partly the introvert in me, but also a boundaries thing.

all this to say, we've decided against renting out our basement on airbnb this summer. it would be just one thing that links our lives with other people's.
 

it's been at least since the beginning of december, maybe longer, that i've been without a good book. and i'd finally had enough of mediocre books and decided i had to buy something that made me want to read it. the interesting thing is that it's not always necessarily about the content or the story. it has to be the writing and the ease of reading. so i ended up getting this sad book that is a really easy read. it makes me feel torn because i feel so conflicted. i'm not eager to endure the sad parts, but i am keen to keep reading. having a good book is probably the highlight of my day.

the lowlight of my day is that i'm feeling brokenhearted about something and i can't shake it off. i think about it a lot, more than i want to, from all sorts of different angles. every once and a while i get a wave of feeling like i suddenly don't care anymore, but then it comes back. i'm hopeful that this is just it working its way out of my emotional system, and i just need to patiently wait this out.

it's been a while since i wrote. largely because i've been shutting down my computer earlier during lent. it's been a positive change, but a bit challenging at times.

i'm finding myself with some spare time and at loose ends at the moment, because we put our kids to bed early tonight. otis wouldn't nap, then started falling asleep at the dinner table. eamon was grumpy and aggressive, so we thought an early bed would be good for him.

blogging is good for self-reflection. and i don't have much time for that luxury these days. between my own kids, my job at next, and afternoon childcare, being self-aware gets neglected. but one thing has been a consistent theme lately... unstable people with their own issues make direct or indirect attacks (either rude comments or full-on harassment) at me, and i don't have the discernment in the moment to let it go.

there was recently a woman, who i see around town often. she walks with her boyfriend and is pretty snarky. she's made rude comments before like "obviously you aren't from around here, or you'd know that u-turns are illegal". to which i responded "actually, they're not, as long as there isn't a sign that says 'no u-turns'". brendan just groaned at me and said "i don't know why you bother. she's obviously mentally ill". so i learned from that, and the next time that i passed her, and she grumbled "hey lady, could you walk any slower" (i was walking a normal speed, definitely faster than her), i didn't engage and just kept quiet.

i wonder if this is a matter of maturity, and with time i will lose my desire to correct the other person and point out the error in their argument. that will time, i will lose the piss and vinegar that fuels my fight or flight instinct. or is this just my personality and i will always fall into these traps with people of unsound minds. i usually end up looking like the asshole because i should've known better. what really bothers me is that people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

i'm disappointed and feel a little let down. i was hoping to find some internal relief as i licked my wounds, but none really came.

over the last few weeks (and i hope this doesn't jix it), i have become very efficient with doing my dishes. and by efficient, i mean, i have been doing them each evening. and what do know... they only really take about 10 minutes to do! this has been an (adult-) life long battle for me, and i am encouraged that i'm getting better at it. it's nice not always having a pile of dishes in the corner of the kitchen.

i've also been on a streak with putting away my clothes after i take them off. what i like about this is that it really saves me time later. i don't have to deal with a large pile, instead, i only have to put 2, maybe 3 items of clothing away at a time.

:p

rose: there are certain things that i put off doing til later. but i've been trying to address them in a more timely manner. especially putting away the clothes i take off. i usually develop a large and confusing pile of clothes that i put away either once a week or once a month. i've discovered that by putting away the 2 or 3 items of clothing that i take off when i get changed, i save myself lots of time later AND it keeps my floor and side of the bedroom much tidier.

thorn: back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth

several of the people that I'm closest with hate conflict. their enneagrams peg them as peacemakers. avoiding conflict has never really been a thing for me. I'm too aggressive to shy away from a fight. but lately, all I want is peace. 

now, I don't think that's the same as avoiding conflict, but I want a peaceful environment, I want harmony, I want gentleness and quiet. I REALLY want quiet. some of my favourite moments with my kids are when they are still and quiet. I think it's tied to adjusting to life with two kids. I found the volume in my life increased expedientially since otis was born, and my tolerance for noise has gone down. between the two of them, someone is always making sounds. the other day, with wishful thinking, I said to b "let's just sit here and pretend it's just us". 

with my after school kids, I have tired to not be on them about noise and have aimed to just let them be kids and give them the freedom for silliness. but at this point it seems that that's not helping anyone, so I've started implementing boundaries around loudness and language. and funnily enough, it's been very effective. today I had my favourite day with them by far. *rose*

it goes beyond noise though. I don't want to hear or be part of other people fighting, bickering or accusing each other. I just don't have energy or patience for drama. a few days ago, a friend tried to drag me into some conflict between him and a friend of mine. I felt pretty awkward about it, and my interactions with him afterwards were tense. actually... now that I think of it, I had TWO (male) friends try to drag me into conflict with mutual friends this week. and I pushed back with both. largely because I just want peace, but also because those are not my fights to be part of. by doing so, I sure hope I'm able to avoid conflict with them. *thorn*

well... we're back to our regular routine today.

• it snowed a lot, but i liked getting exercise again (walking to and from the school).
• we started night weaning otis about 10 days ago, and i think he's firmly into a routine of sleeping through the night. he even slept until 8:30 on saturday, AND éamon made me breakfast that morning :)

• i got some good teacherly advise from joy and beckie over the break, that really empowered me with the after school crew.

• i'm finding that i have a strong desire for peace in my life these days. i just don't have it in me for loud, chaos.

• our sons are playing so well together, and i just love it.

• i went through the things in our house, and i got rid of two large boxes worth of stuff. probably need to do a quarterly purge. i do hang on to stuff for sentimental reasons, so it was good to really push myself to do away with stuff i don't need and won't use ever again.

• my skin has been extremely dry this winter :S

things i want to do in 2018:

• go to new york city this summer with my three fellas

• go camping (maybe even more than once)

• try being an airbnb host

• teach otis some baby sign language (i've already successfully taught him "more")

• make a snowman

• succeed at de-cluttering, so i don't feel a need to declutter all the time

• put away my clothes when i take them off

there was a time, when i had to be very conscious and intentional to live in the present. i made an effort to embrace life, and was mindful to do new things every month. i loved taking the chance to stop and reflect each year on what filled my year.

now i'm on the flip-side, where i am very immersed in the present and not much else fills my mind or time. i feel sometimes that this amount of present is pretty overwhelming. it would be nice to dream a little, and to have some space to reflect and ponder. life is very saturated at the moment.

i do get small breaks, tiny respites from time to time, but i generally i use them to sleep. for example, this afternoon, i had a nap on the couch during otis's nap. unbeknownst to me, brendan also laid down for a nap, leaving éamon on his own. he spent 2 hours in the living room, patiently waiting for someone to read him books, and attempting to read them himself <3

anyway... let me try to get back on track, and attempt to recall this year's most significant bits:

• in january, i started volunteering at next one day a week. otis would come with me, and i would juggle him and my duties there at the same time. i enjoyed having something concrete to do. tasks that gave me a more immediate sense of completion, than diaper changes and navigating a 3-year-old's tantrums.

• winter brought weekend boredom. what does one do on saturdays with a preschooler and a baby? well, we decided we would end our saturday activity drought by going out for lunch every saturday to various (and generally new) restaurants. it gave us something to look forward to, and only once was the service too slow that our children started to act-up.

• i had a nice little routine with my fellas – mondays we went to the library group, and fridays we went swimming. tuesdays gave me some downtime at home.

• in april, we went to mexico for a week, and had a fabulous time. by then, otis was sitting up on his own, and starting to get more engaged. our hotel/resort was ideal for a pair of backpackers with kids, and we had a fantastic time. éamon still talks about that trip with gratitude and wants to go back to 'mexico' again.

• in late spring, i felt more capable juggling my two boys on my own, so i reduced éamon's daycare schedule to two days a week, which gave us more time together. this generally went smoothly if i had monday activities planned. it generally went poorly when our summer tenant was around with her kid.

• we opted not to go away on summer vacation, since we didn't really know what our finances would look like come autumn. why? because i gave my resignation to bbd after 14 years there. that has been a very positive change. i have kind of missed the steady pay cheques, but have not missed the commute, the office environment, the boredom, the time away from my kids, etc.

• in september, éamon started school, and otis turned 1 year old. i've enjoyed walking éamon to school, and picking him up. that has really helped enlarge my worked and get to know people in our neighbourhood. otis started walking around 13.5 months, and i have loved, loved, LOVED it. watching otis grow into a toddler has been a joy. my two sons play together so wonderfully.

• also in september, i started officially working at next. (b likes to tease me that volunteering at a place, then telling them that you can't continue unless they pay you is one way to find a job) and i started providing after school care to 2 primary-aged kids. it's been fun developing a relationship with them, and seeing éamon with playmates.

• i feel like brendan and i are still finding our way with our new financial reality, as well as our current level of tiredness. but it helps knowing that this is just our phase of life, and both will be better in a few years' time.

• my time, energy, resources and interest level in self-care and relationship investing is not where i'd like it to be, but i try to cut myself some slack. i hope others do too.

this afternoon, brendan and i went to see the latest star wars film, and left out kids with b's parents. it felt really good to be out and do adult things. i realize that this time last year i was feeling pretty buried by the daily routine of parenting, so maybe it's just that time of year again. but i'm struggling to keep perspective of the best parts of this stage with my kids. i'm really loving 4.5, and i'm finding myself eagerly looking forward to otis being 4.5 and eamon being 7, so we can do stuff like go to museums, the movies, read novels and other kid stuff together. i think i'm just tired, and feeling tired of always navigating and negotiating life the hard way.

i really want to have some good perspective, and to really cherish all the stuff that i'll miss and remember fondly. but for now, i guess i'm too tired to fully appreciate the stuff i take for granted.

i guess i'm also disappointed because brendan's having second thoughts about us taking a trip to NYC with the fellas this summer. he doesn't quite feel up to it (having experienced our trip to the UK with a 20 month old). i don't want to rush this stage, but i want to live my own life too.

birthday eve

today is the eve of my 38th birthday.

it's funny to think of myself in my late 30s. time passes quickly.

we went out for lunch with my family today to bella bistro. afterwards, we drove past my childhood home, and showed it to éamon, since he was asking about it. it felt good to be there. like no time had passed. i think that's the thing about time. it seems to pass and not at the same time.

i'm not particularly thrilled about my new number, but ultimately, i'm happy with where i'm at with life. i have much to be grateful for, and i am. i kind of wish i had more time for loafing around, but really... the people i admire most in life are not people who waste time, but rather people who make the most of their time.

in recent months, in particular, i feel like i have tried my hand at several new experiences. things i've never done before. and while they have not been easy, i have benefited and learned new things. so i'm really grateful. doing new things has always given me lots of joy, so i'm glad that i'm continued to be stretched, and courageous enough to push myself outside my comfort zone.

so, thanks 37 for everything you gave me and taught me.

and here's to 38. to everything it brings and every new venture.

rose: this beautiful winter day that didn't feel too bad, when dressed appropriately.

thorn: having a bizarre conflict with someone i'm acquainted with about something we simply disagreed on. in the end, i think i could have been more initially convinced of her point of view if she had taken a different approach to explaining it in the first place. i was not meaning to be "disrespectful" with my actions (as she put it), but i recognize that i could have been more considerate of those impacted.

garlic

my life feels very full these days. not in a bad way, and not in a time-poor way. it's a pace that I can manage. it's a slow, consistent pace, and one that is energizing rather than exhausting. come evening, I have a short window of time, that (when I'm lucky) I get to sit by the fire with Brendan, watching our latest show on Netflix. that said, partly the reason my days feel full is because I've been working on a website for a friend, and it's been dragging out. so often times I need to use my spare evening time making progress with that. thankfully, it's not due to complications on my side, but rather because of changes or content on their side of things. 

anyway, this is the most full my life has ever felt. my time is pretty much all allocated. it feels that I am not able to connect with friends as much as I'd like. its not that I feel disconnected, because I don't particularly. we all have our own lives, and our own stuff going on. I'm hopeful that we will have more time for one another in the next season or stage of life. maybe it's because I do have relationships forming through my work life, and through my presence at eamon's school. maybe this is what makes me feel different than in the past, I was isolated in my workplace and had no natural forming relationships to make me feel grounded. 

rose: it was my turn to sleep in this morning, which is a rose in itself. but my favourite part was waking up to find my two sons wearing their capes and playing together in their bedroom :) seeing their blossoming relationship is so so so special.

thorn: we went to the fat goose sale today, and i didn't find anything to buy. i was disappointed, because i like to support local artists. but i find there just isn't a great price range. it's unusual to find something (that's not tiny) for less than $10, and i simply don't go to these things prepared to spend over $100.