unnecessary errands

my most obvious rose and thorn of the day involve the same story. renting a carpet cleaner to dry out of basement only to find it was already dry.

rose: we were able to return it and be refunded. and the carpet was dry.

thorn: we wasted a good hour or so renting it, then returning it.

other noteworthy rose and thorn moments were...

rose: otis napped well at next, it was complete smooth sailing with eamon tonight.

thorn: feeling unsure that the next yard sale this weekend will come together as a community effort, and not rest mostly on my shoulders.

most bizarre and amusing part of my day was when we found the spare mattress from our basement on the side of the road about a block and a half from our house. a tale for another time.

rose: this afternoon, i found a recipe for a cleaning solution that would cut the grease covering various parts of my kitchen. it was made of vinegar, dish soap, baking soda and water, and it worked really well. our windows are right beside the oven, and are something of a featured element in our kitchen. which makes it that much more noticeable that they were covered in dusty grease grime. yuck. so i'm really pleased.

other things i'm glad about: i made a cape for eamon's birthday (something to wear), and the lunch bag i ordered him (something you need) arrived today in the mail. it was on back order, so i wasn't sure if it would arrive in time. thankfully it did.

thorn: coaching eamon to have healthy interactions with others continues to be a struggle (but one i felt i made some progress with today). i'm starting to think though, that this new parenting style i've been reading about seems to enable, if not simply permit kids to get away with bad behaviour (re: poor and belittling treatment of others). so being mindful of what i've learned, i tried to stand up for myself in order to put my foot down. i see moderate improvement. i also see a lot of myself in him. this could be used to my advantage, and his advantage too, because i'll be able to help him navigate his feelings.

this afternoon i got some quality time with my eamon. it feels like it's been a while since we've had some good one-on-one time, and it restored my hope and our dynamic. i guess it's true what they say about needing to make time with each individual kid. it's tricky, because i feel like we're together all the time, so how could he possibly need MORE time with me. but it seems that he does, and i do too.

on our way home from a completely beautiful wedding this weekend (in more ways than one), we stopped at a service station. we'd left eamon in k-town with his nana while we were at the wedding. and were constantly amazed at how much easier just one kid was. we had time and opportunity for conversation. we got to stay out later. really there were lots of reasons. and i found it gave us head space and clarity. so while i was alone in the service station washroom, i thought "my hair would look great with a streak of colour in it", like back in my twenties when i did that kind of thing. and i planned to go pick up some wash-out hair dye later that day. but now that we're home, and juggling two kids again, that notion of self-care or even fun self-expression has fallen to the wayside. which is kind of sucky.

i wouldn't even mind, if it felt like this stage of parenting was slightly more rewarding. we have good moments. like this evening when eamon and i took a walk up the street and back a few times. and while he sat on my lap at the buskers. i also really enjoy having conversations with him. but it's impossible to know when those lovely moments might just explode in my face.

looking forward to tomorrow's bright spots. and optimistic that we'll handle the challenges from a positive angle

today was one of those days that i got a lot of stuff done that i've been needing to do. you know, all those things that are at the back of your mind. the ones that when you think about them, you say "ah, i've been meaning to do that". i got a bunch of those things done today, and it was great. i'm so glad. sometimes a bunch of little successes are more important than one big one.

i'm still here.

i haven't anything to say at the moment, but so i thought, since i had some spare time, that i would simply say that.

i love hanging diapers on the line and seeing how clean they are when i take them down. i enjoy the simplicity of it. i think i'll miss that a lot once we're past the diaper stage.

serial numbers

after last year's washing machine related basement flood, we bought a brand new washing machine. we felt that meant we wouldn't have to worry about major break-downs for a while. but unfortunately, just after our year warranty expired, we started having trouble with it. so I had a repairman come in, and he told me that the part we needed would cost $400 (not including labour). this is more than half of what we paid. I was pretty frustrated and disappointed. so today I called the manufacturer, in hopes that they might be able to do something (apparently some machine parts have a longer warranty), and thankfully they agreed to a one-time courtesy repair. I am relieved. I'm hoping it will be as straightforward as that, and there won't be any surprises. it also redeems my opinion of this particular manufacturer. 

i'm in need of a little agency in my life. i want a break from exterior factors, things completely unrelated to me, impacting how i spend my time. i'm looking forward to august, when i can figuratively throw my hair up, and get organized.

saturday (and sunday) in the park

i really enjoyed SPAF this weekend. it was probably the first year since i was pregnant with eamon that i felt i could just sit and enjoy the festival. we're in this funny reprieve between eamon's busy baby/toddler years and otis's busy baby/toddler years. although otis can crawl, he's not getting into everything. and he can still nap on the fly.

it was nice because i often feel a lot of anticipation leaving for the festival in the morning, and then in the evening, head to bed with a "well, that's it for this year" kind of feeling. but having a second day of festival was really nice. it felt different from yesterday, probably partly because it was slightly different crowd to hangout with.

it's been a long time coming, i guess. but it's still noteworthy. i sent in my resignation to bbd. while i have never once seriously considered returning after this maternity leave, i was hesitant to hit that 'Send' button. it just made it very final. i'll have to return my company credit card, and my ID, and complete an exit interview, but other than that, i'm done. well... as of august 11. they sent me a PDF of the "exit procedure" that i'll have to look over at some point. i'm not sad. but feel a little nervous. that job has provided some security, despite how unstable the company was.

i do relish having my freedom, and knowing that my days are not numbered with otis. i'm relieved i won't have to go through the process of leaving my baby at daycare, and feeling exhausted a lot of the time from working full time and being a mom to small kids. we'll learn to be tighter with our money, which we have done in the past, just not lately. and i have a few irons in the fire, but i won't get into that right now.

i'm grateful for my career at bbd, even though it ended on a negative note. it's as though i stayed longer than i should've. or maybe just long enough to know it was right to move on.

silent

brendan is away at a work conference. while he was away, his computer crapped out on him, so we can't facetime or email. i thought he would call this evening, but he hasn't. i'm disappointed. it's not that i have anything i need to tell him, and it's not that i need to hear from him, but i'm disappointed because of my expectations.

i don't really know what to do with myself. i could go to bed, but i'm not really sleepy. i could cross stitch some more, but i don't really feel like it. i think i feel slightly off, because my norm is shifted.

now, i don't want to get all gushy about brendan. i do miss him, and am looking forward to him returning tomorrow. i find it quite fascinating that our 7 year wedding anniversary is coming up, and i have never once grown tired or bored of him. he still has stories to tell me that i don't know. he still surprises me, and impresses me.

i suppose i shouldn't feel mad that he hasn't called. no doubt that he wanted to call, and wasn't able to for whatever reason.

sump

lately i've been experiencing some anxiety. knots in my stomach. unwelcome unease. i thought at first it was circumstantial, and maybe it is or was, but it seems to be grabbing hold of me and i can't shake it. at times like this, i often think "if only i could sit and rest, i'll feel better" or "if only i could get some stuff done, i'd feel better". and neither seem to be helping.

perhaps it's just a season of adjustment, in one particularly area of my life. and once i get into a new rhythm, i'll feel more at peace. or maybe i'll just have to look forward to the end of this short chapter, and know that this pressure will let up once it reaches conclusion.

in recent years, it does seem like external factors have been making me more anxious than stuff in my own life.

i think i've been hand crafting for 3 hours now. which means that otis has been sleeping that whole time. i suppose it's time to get him up, and get busy.

one of my favourite sounds is a lawn mower cutting grass. not only is it lovely white noise, it conjures up summer feelings. a relaxed pace of life. a departure from regular routines. eamon, otis and i sat out on the back deck watching brendan mow the lawn this evening. the sky was blue, the grass was deep green. eamon had a snack, i had a cider, and otis kept grabbing at evening – keeping life interesting. it was a sweet, sweet moment in my day.

confused

i am glad that mental health concerns are being normalized in our culture. everyone struggles with their mental health sometimes, even if not everyone has a serious diagnosed condition.

one thing i'm confused about though, is there a difference between an unhealthy person and someone with mental illness. i'm certain i have known people in life who are self-destructive, and they make a negative impact on the lives of the people around them. i have learned to be guarded with such people. i have lost friendships when the toxicity just became too much for me to manage.

so i get confused by these ads that i see that compares mental health with physical illnesses. with the message that you would never ditch someone for having diarrhea, and mental illness is just as real. true. but does everything fit under the mental illness umbrella? where's the line between mental illness and someone making destructive choices. are we supposed to endure everything others dish out? because mental and emotional problems impact others in a much different way than physical illness. and it can take its tole on relationships.

truth be told. i really don't know. i want to be loving all the time, but find sometimes i get burned.

connected

the fellas and i went for an outing to value village this afternoon. i bought us some books, two onsies and a replacement yellow bat for eamon. while i was there, i bumped into frank. he's one of my favourite people. we stood talking for quite some time, and i got an update on all his family. i wondered what the people around us thought – as in how did we know each other, or the nature of our relationship. not related, not peers, clearly well acquainted and fond of one another. he was definitely my work best friend. it was really nice to see him. sometimes i wonder how we'll maintain our friendship now that we've both left the company, thankfully we both frequent thrift stores :)

cold turkey

both eamon and otis are at really nice ages right now. otis is getting really interactive, and is starting to feed himself finger foods. plus, he's past that stage when a baby can cry and cry for no clear reason. eamon is capable of more and more, and is understanding a lot. much more like a kid than a toddler. i find that things are going especially smooth since i've been implementing what i've learned through the peaceful parenting book.

the family i grew up in yelled a lot. we yelled when we were angry, but also just to communicate. my mom hated it, even though she did it too. brendan's family was not like that. the peaceful parenting approach has inspired me not to yell or be loud when communicating. not only has it not been as hard as i expected, i feel like it's really changed our atmosphere. sure, sometimes it feels like i'm still ineffective at getting eamon to cooperate, but at least now i'm calm and ineffective rather than loud/angry and ineffective.

tonight eamon was simply not tired, and i couldn't get him to stay in bed. b was at a band practice, so i just stayed calm and just tried to wait him out. there was no point in getting mad. i knew he wasn't purposely "disobeying". he just couldn't sleep, and that happens to everyone sometimes. so eventually, he did nod off at 9:30. and i was able to carry on with my evening as planned.

i am delighted to discover that i can walk to shoppers in 23 minutes. sure, that's not the most handy little stroll, but i like having a destination to walk to, and i often need to pick up things at shoppers. so i can see this being a very good discovery. plus, there's a dollar store right next to it, for those little items that i'm looking for.

i have concluded that this summer, i want to get to know 5 to 6 houses on my street. i'm gong to include both kirkpatrick and oak, since my street is attached to both of those. this seems like a good and realistic number. my goal is to be on a first-name basis with more neighbours. summer time is the best time to do that.

ballpark

when i was a kid, i used to watch baseball on tv with my dad. he would also listen to it on the radio. i thought it was his favourite sport, it was mine. i was surprised to discover as a teenager that football is his favourite sport. i have never in my life watched a football game with him. that strikes me odd. anyway, i was only ever allowed to watch 1.5 of tv a day. except one summer, my mom agreed to let me watch more whenever a baseball game was on. so i took that to my advantage, and watched the game simply because it allowed me the opportunity to watch more tv. however, come the next summer, she did not remember that arrangement, so it was only one summer of unlimited baseball. because of that, i have very positive associations with baseball. it's a relatively calm sport. it's slow moving with lots of dialogue. it's great white noise. the more you watch, the more attached to the individual players ones gets.

i dunno if it's eamon's interest in sports, or just the season of our lives, but brendan and i have gotten back into watching baseball. we figured out how to watch it online. the other day, i said to him "i wonder if there's a schedule we can print out so we can know when there's a game on". he said "we're turning into my grandparents".