charge

chivalry is not dead, it's just rare. and a girl cannot count on it being there when she needs some help. i hate shoveling. it's hard work for the best of them, but especially hard for me because i'm not very strong. i'm not a small girl, nor am i particularly delicate, but i'm not big and i'm not sturdy, which makes shoveling extra hard.

i didn't want to do it, but there are things i hate doing that have to get done and i need to be able to do it. i need to rise to the challenge and be equipped to take care of myself. i did manage to shovel my driveway all by myself. here's pic. unfortunately it's not as impressive as it actually was. although, my snow bank is higher than my car. i feel pretty proud of myself, and no doubt i'll feel sore tomorrow.

the other night after storytellers garry and todd offered to push my car out of the snow pile. i kept insisting that i didn't need their help, it must have been annoying and very snotty of me. i did appreciate the offer, but i need to be able to get out of those situations on my own. i guess i should have just told them that instead of declaring i was accepting their help against my will. man, it's scary when i think of the difference between my intent and my behaviour. i wish my mind was more transparent.

while i had my camera out i took this photo of my bruised arm. it doesn't look as awesome as it does in person, but i thought i'd just snap a picture anyway. there's some foreshortening going on here. i swear my arm is longer.

i'm torn between two train of thoughts. i'm so confused and i don't know where i'll land. am i more or less capable than i think i am? am i going to be ok or not? am i lonely or do i have too many people in my life? should i get housemates eventually or should i always live alone? should i cut my hair or keep growing it? i just don't know anything anymore. oh give me something i know unswervingly.

i'm really not a bad person.

i always lose in the end.

do you know what it feels like in this world for a girl.