velvet

last night i passed out at 9 o'clock. i'm not sure why, i was just tired and wanted to be sleeping. while i dozed, b watched the tv, sat on the end of my bed reading our lonely planet cambodia book, drank some beer (he currently has a keg in my refrigerator). when i woke up this morning i continued to feel tired, all i could think was that i just wanted to be at home. i'm busy a lot, lots of different activities going on and obligations to attend to. this week i have no plans except for on thursday, and i kind of just want to live in this unscheduled week. i want to fall asleep at 9 if i want to. i want to rearrange the furniture in my bedroom. i want to watch mindless tv. at first i found these desires alarming, and wondered if i'm becoming reclusive, that scared me. but as the morning has gone on and i become more awake, i realize that i'm only wanting some downtime because i'm in need of some downtime. once i get enough rest i'll be ready for lots of socializing again. balance. it's hard to attain, and it's hard to give.

i feel guilty when i take time to just be.

as a kid, guilt is associated with knowingly doing something we're not supposed to. for me it was watching certain tv shows, or taking unpermitted snacks, or reading my sister's mail. as a kid guilt was a good measuring stick, it told me things. so now as a grown-up i'm trying to discern the role of guilt in my adult life. does it still tell me things that i should listen to? is there a difference between guilt and my conscience? i think i feel guilty for taking using my evenings to vege out, because i feel like i'm letting my friendships down, that i could/should be spending time with people instead of being cooped up at home. however, i remind myself that healthy friendships are supportive and involve give and take. for that i'm very grateful.

joy and erin had to stay overnight at the hopital again last night. she wasn't happy about that. apparently she and the baby are two different blood types, and for some reason the hospital staff wanted one more day to make sure everything was a-ok.

always pain before the child is born.