it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

sometimes i think i'm a better caregiver than parent. i really enjoy taking care of their basic needs (bathing, eating, clothing, sleeping, diaper changing/using potty, etc), but training, teaching, correcting, instilling, guiding, is much harder. the last few days i feel like i'm a sucky parent. actually, i'm doing fine with otis, but largely because at his stage he mostly needs care-giving and not social skills or discipline. i briefly considered giving eamon away to someone who would probably do a better job and would not get as angry at him. he laughs in my face when i'm upset about something he's done, which then fills me with rage, only making him laugh more. i still don't feel confident that he's better off with me rather than someone else.

i felt scared this afternoon. for two reasons. 1) eamon sat on otis's head when i'd placed him on the wood floor (he'd had a messy messy poop and it was all over the change table), and otis was scream-crying. i cannot leave them for more than 10 seconds before eamon does something that could seriously harm otis, or possibly kill him (usually from suffocating). and 2) because i went all motherbear on him for hurting my baby. i didn't like that AT ALL.

brendan and i both feel way in over our heads. we're way past our scope of parenting ability. it's hard watching this take its toll on brendan. and i'm sure it's not easy for him not being able to go get his hair cut without wondering what fresh hell will break out at home while he's out.

my sister always says that she thinks she'd be perfect if she wasn't married with kids. while i don't quite share that sentiment, i know i wouldn't be harming someone else irrevocably by making mistakes and having lapses in judgement every once and awhile. i don't want to mess up my kid. i wish it wasn't so dang hard to make it through the day without hating myself at least once.

parenting really is not for the faint of heart or for people who are emotionally unstable. because it will find your weakness and your last nerve, and pinch it til you feel like your head is going to explode.

that's the kind of day i've been having. let's hope tomorrow is better.