state i'm in

brendan is out tonight at jared's birthday gathering. it seems lately that mostly just write when he's not home. it's not that we spend our time exclusively together, when he is home, but having an empty house helps me pause and think enough to write. i enjoy downloading my thoughts better in privacy.

this weekend i've felt very tired. not physically tired, not emotionally tired. maybe drained is a better word? i don't know. but i'm feeling pretty worn out from parenting. i feel kind of tired of it, like i want a break or some normal time out as an adult. i share this with reluctance, because i don't want to sound like i'm complaining. i know that we are very fortunate to have two healthy, happy little fellas. and i'm so glad and thankful for them. with that said, it feels like i'm getting it from each side. every time i turn around, one of them needs something or is in dire straits (usually otis at the hand of eamon, but sometimes eamon too). it feels unrelenting. i feel like i don't know what i'm doing. and what makes it extra difficult, is that it seems unfamiliar. i have no memories of my parents seeming like they're at their wits-end. they always seemed like they knew what they were doing, or at least if they didn't, i have no specific memories of that. so i can't comfort myself (from experience) with this being normal. even though, i'm sure it is. 

at this point, i'm looking forward to otis learning to sit up and start on solids. and i'm looking forward to eamon learning that despite the fact that "it's easier to say i'm sorry than ask permission", that it's not worth the relationship drama or disruption to life when he's done something self-indulgent.

further to my troubles in parenting, b and i have had a somewhat rocky weekend. now, i should preface this by saying, that sometimes i get super incredibly comfortable that i don't move. so comfortable that i decide not move. most frequently it's my legs. i'm getting close to that right now. but occasionally, it's my mouth. i get so comfortable that i don't want to talk. the way my tongue feels in my mouth. this usually happens before or after sleeping. and it generally super annoys b. it's pretty rare though, maybe once a year. anyway, that happened on friday night, and as a result we had some conflict to resolve on saturday. afterwards he said to me "can you understand how out of character it is for YOU, lesley lorimer, who talks all the time about everything, to not talk!?!?" thankfully that broke some tension and we were able to laugh about it. i've been told before "sometimes you say too much, and sometimes you say too little". that's probably true.

anyway, i don't know if writing this out is much comfort to me. but it's truthful and honest. i don't know how to get the rest or rejuvenation that i'm looking for. maybe it's just a matter of time, and i need to be patient. or maybe i just need to stay up late tonight and enjoy doing stuff i don't normally get to do during the day. enjoy the peace of this space, the heat from our wood stove, the sound of my cat's heavy breathing, this snuggly blanket. some books, some king of the hill episodes, some hot tea. 

it's like a breeze blowing deep beneath my skin.