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i made dinner last night - vegetarian lasagna. brendan had a late lunch so decided to have a late dinner. i was on the computer in the bedroom while he ate his lasagna in the living room. i suddenly heard him pause from eating, put down his plate and charge into the bedroom. he gave me a big hug and said "that is a really good lasagna, love!" awww. perhaps i'm not as stinky a cook as i thought. b is very encouraging of my cookery, and i appreciate it.

every year i permit myself a small sum from my tax-return to buy something special. i had my mind set on a drawer for filing from ikea, but after i got the house tidied last week i found i didn't need it. so after giving it some thought, i decided to buy some converse high tops. i've never had high tops before and this idea appealed to me a great deal. so on saturday i bought me a pair of lavender high tops from the shoe company. they only had two colours - black and lavender, so i went with the purple. i'm pretty excited about this, although reminded that i'm slightly embarrassed of the super white rubber on new converse sneakers. so i've been trying to dirty them up a little bit, and they're looking a little more lived in.

i used to be a one trick pony. but i've discovered that my one trick was incomplete, and only a small portion of something more complex.

love left a window in the sky.

tolstoy

lately i've been doing a lot of thinking, and the subject of my thinking keeps arising in different places and spaces.

 

i came across a great gandhi quote yesterday which said "i like your christ, i don't like your christians. your christians are so unlike your christ". i'm not a fan of christians myself, but man, i like jesus.

having grown up in church you'd think i'd be heavily in doctrined with jesus's teachings, and yet i was not. church exposed me to christian culture and moral rules, not to jesus. i've been seeking to find, i've been digging to the root of what christian faith actually is. i've been wanting to know jesus, to know what he teaches, and the live it out. i feel like much of my faith experience was full of distractions, things that hindered me and bound me. obligations and burdens. but i'm finding jesus, and it's very freeing. i want to live as jesus tells us to, not so i can qualify for heaven or approval or anything else, but just to love him and let that make a difference.

 

i'll learn to fix stuff, if you will teach me love.

sprout

this is not our anniversary, but it feels like it is.

i concluded today that i'm so glad we got engaged on easter morning because it's our favourite day of the year. the day when we celebrate and remember that there is hope, that we are being redeemed, that the world will turn and that it's worth fighting for. next was full of excitement and celebration this morning, it was great, and i'm feeling pretty pumped and joyful.

i have meaning, and purpose. i'm ready.

you make beautiful things out of us.

iron-on

last night brendan played a show at the mansion. i arrived after book club and brendan was already there. when i got there, i made a bee-line for brendan, bypassing the guy at the door. later in the evening he approached me and said "it's actually a $5 cover"... "my husband's in the band" i told him, and that seemed to do the trick because he walked away. i was half-surprised that i didn't have to explain to prove my case any further. i felt like the disciples on palm sunday saying "the lord needs it" about the colt. that comparison makes me giggle. regardless, i liked that those words carried the necessary weight.

i guess he's an xbox and i'm more atari.

lemon

yesterday i discovered that larry king has been married as many times as elizabeth taylor - 8 marriages to 7 different people. the thing i find odd is that liz taylor is notorious for her many marriages, and larry king flies under the radar. double standards!!!

two people at my work got fired this week. around here they call it being "walked out". because they literally escort you out of the building. being a somewhat mundane office, news like that spreads like wildfire. the rumour mills is saying the two were in cahoots somehow, even so it makes one suddenly aware of how quickly a person can go from being employed to being unemployed. we are all vulnerable.

this morning i woke with my barefeet propped up on the arm of my nearly naked husband. we've been together for 18 months today. marrying that guy was the best decision i've ever made.

 

i guess it works both ways.

bonus

sometimes we spend the entire evening in the living room watching tv shows on dvd. we drink beer and eat popcorn. i wouldn't want to spend every evening that way, but we do it so rarely that it's a guilty pleasure. we may have a repeat this evening.

today has been one of those days when i'm particularly optimistic. to my delight, when i weighed myself this morning, i've lost another 3 pounds. i've lost 15 pounds since christmas. i'm pretty happy about that. it's not nearly as difficult as i thought it was. my hair is growing, it's much longer than realized. i feel good, and that feels good. sometimes change is just a matter of time. sometimes i get so stuck in the present that i'm blind to what is to come.

ever since i de-clutted the pad on saturday, i've been feeling particularly content. i love the maxi-pad, and i feel happy to live there for many more years. i have all my needs met. and i'm pretty thankful for that. i think i'm even on my way to more balance with how i spend my time.

i like what is tangible. i only really like tangile possibilities, tangile expressions of love. my peace is tangible, that's my favourite kind :)

i've got places to go and i need to fit my clothes.

acoustic

it feels like winter again. but i refuse to wear winter clothes. i'm so done with winter, it can bite me.

it was a full weekend, and i really enjoyed myself. on friday night, brendan went on his first solo roadtrip to perth to play a show, so i went out with jill-rach to the goat. i like being with them.

saturday morning i met with melissa at windmills for breakfast. she was quite surprised to see me at 9 am on a saturday morning, but i've turned over a new leaf, and am becoming an early bedder and early riser. after that we parted ways in the rain, me without a raincoat or umbrella. i ran away from a military parade all the way to the church book room. they didn't have the book i was looking for, and i was that much further away from home in the rain. thankfully shanno was working at david's tea so i went in and chatted with her for a little while, then got some tea and read at one of the tables. shanno has introduced me to a tea that smells and tastes like cupcakes, so i drink that instead of eatting delicious small cakes. again i ventured out into the rain, going to next for a japanese benefit garage sale, and bumped into bren, she gave me a drive home :)

i spent the rest of the day doing a massive overhaul in our home. there is a pile of stuff at the top of the stairs ready to be taken to value village. i'm super pleased with my progress. it's tidy, spacious, uncluttered, de-junked, and pleasant. i didn't tell brendan, so when he arrived home our new and improved home was a surprise to him, one that left him speechless and vowing to do whatever i wished for the rest of the evening. so we went to royal angkor and rented far and away.

last night i went to bed at 9:45, but didn't fall asleep til way after 11. it sucked. b arrived home around 10:30, so we chatted for about 15 minutes, then i was left thinking about our conversation and a phone message he retrieved from the phone for me. it was a person (who called twice) asking me to call when i have the chance. this is kind of unusual, and i was left me feeling that i was being confronted about something. needless to say, i didn't sleep very well, and was tired come morning.

my brain is functioning at a high level these days. brendan asked me if i was on drugs :p i like that i'm being productive and that my mind is exercising. i think it's my influx of sleep, but maybe it's something else entirely.

 

after some thinking, i'd say i'd rather be

a functioning cog in some great machinery serving something beyond me.

shadow

i overheard a guy this lunchtime talking about a church nearby his house. he said every sunday morning with the good christians are done their morning mass (but then clarified that it didn't need to be catholics - he want to spread the statement around to cover all religions), they're all too busy trying to exit the church parking lot to let him out of his driveway. that's one side of the coin. the other is an interaction i had yesterday with a christian planning on voting conservative because it's "the least of two evils". i don't disagree with the evil label, i disagree that it's the least evil option. i feel so dumbfounded as to why she would believe that the tories reflect her faith. i scratch my head and wonder what bible she's been reading.

from one side we get people viewing christians as self-centred and on the other christians viewing themselves as morally superior. all i can think is that we're failing big time to live what jesus told us to do. i know that i'm a loser, that my nature is bound on destruction. i know i need jesus to make me the person i'm meant to be. i want to not only say i love the person who judges me for my faith association, but to actually love him. to say "you know what? i'm really sorry that the church-goers come to your neighbourhood and do nothing more than clog your street with traffic. we're losers". to not just say i love the person who shares my pew, but to really love her and say "please don't get so hung-up on your morality that you feel exempt from living ethicially. jesus wants more for you than to be good."

this election has been provoking me. i feel really passionate because i'm finally getting what jesus has been harping on and on about. he gave us the tools to help his kingdom come, and his will be done. and i really just want to get on with it. i feel an urgency for positive change in this country. i know that change begins with me, and i will do my part - whoever wins the election. i just want to be contagious and for positive change to go viral.

love shines when we'd rather sing our hearts out then live the language of war.

co-shared

my right big toe has felt damp all morning. this may be psycological more than actual. the rain and my fear of worms.

at dinner with the melles's the other night bren and brendan agreed that i could be a detective. i find this amusing, and get why they came to this conclusion. but what puzzles me is why everyone doesn't have this ingrained ability to piece together facts. this may have something to do with the S (sensing) and N (intuition) portions of myers-briggs. to my surprise i discovered that bren is an N. this surprised me because i felt that she and i shared the same level of awareness of our surroundings, i suppose we do, but we gather that awareness thru different means. bren said the key defining element to an N is the word possibility. i didn't really grasp what they were saying and kept asking brendan for examples of times he took in information thru his intuition and facts to back up what he was saying. it turns out that was very "sensing" of me. sensors like concrete information to base understanding on. maybe that's why i like numbers. i'm not opposed to possibility, but it doesn't really interest me. possibility is endless, so i like only what is real possiblity. i guess i like that which is real.

i've discovered corrective tape. it's way better than white-out. i can't believe it took me this long to make the switch. i do miss shaking the white-out bottle. the lovely sound it makes when it sloshes back and forth. but corrective tape doesn't need to dry, and it doesn't get all messy and gross when i write over top of it. delightful.

 

time can't tell its tale.

233 minutes

she looked at me from across the room with a specific look in her eyes. i don't know her, but i know that look. i've looked with that look. the first time it happened i wondered if i was imagining things, but it happened again. the third time confirmed it. i knew it would happen some day, though i expected it in roughly six years. that a girl in the shoes i wore would look at me like i'm something other, like i'm something intrusive, something inconvenient. and i'm not sorry - for what i am, or for what she thinks i am. to her it's something that consumes her thoughts - while she lies at bed at night, while she walks along the street. but to me it's little more than a fleeting thought, or a scent dissolving on my skin - gone unnoticed. this one is my story. she'll have to find another. she'll have to look the other way and know we don't think of her, or even notice that she's absent.

 

i've got no direction without her little fingers,
barbed wire, razor wire, nothing keeps me from her.

write

i'm wearing a pair of pants (comfortably) that i haven't fit in since the fall 2009 :D that makes me very happy.

i've kept my internal clock in a slightly different timezone. i went to bed at 9:30 last night, and woke fully rested at 6:30 this morning. it's great, this getting enough sleep thing. it's been really hard for me in the past to make sure i get to bed at a time that works well with my early mornings. i usually function on less sleep because i hate opting out of things, activities, people. but i'm slowly starting to get what it means to take care of myself. taking care of my physical self is an important part of taking care of my emotional and mental self. so i'm going to be an early bedder. i always want to change the fullness of my life, maybe this is what i've been needing to do in order to declutter a little. i'm very cyclical. i go from busy to bored quite quickly. i think it's because i'm so feelings driven.

b and i drank guiness every day when we were in ireland. we'd pick up a can each at the nearest corner store, pour them into some pint glasses and chill-out! we've kept doing that too. only you can't just pick up guinness anywhere like we did in ireland. i'm looking forward to drinking my pint and watching 30 rock tonight, just like we did in belfast.

i don't know if i've mentioned this, but brendan's work schedule has changed again. he's finished his training so he has evenings off, which is great, but he's working saturday-sunday. that will be an adjustment, but so far it's alright. at dinner last night he caught me starring into space while i tried to calculate whether i see more of him with this new schedule, and i do. he doesn't like it when i'm specific with numbers. i don't know why, and i'm not sure why i'm so fond of numbers. i didn't realize i was. i have to admit, numbers are delightful because they don't lie. they just are.

sometimes sitting for a long time makes my butt feel flat. that time is approaching.

 

i don't drink coffee i take tea.

taoiseach

MEMORABLE EXPERIENCES - IRELAND 2011:
- spring! green rolling hills, leaves on trees
- sheep & lambs in pastures
- the british chocolate and the guinness beer
- learning learning learning
- the first time i saw the dublin spire
- missing the train in ballymena
- the ballymena cemetary
- the guards with machine guns in derry
- the 4 story empty hostel
- brendan losing his wedding ring
- brendan retrieving his wedding ring
- going to the movies in derry
- buying stamps then not finding any postcards
- staying with rachel & eric
- giant's causeway
- bumping into brendan's friend from chien noir at giant's causeway
- talking theology with brendan
- our inexpensive meals that we cooked at the hostels
- walking walking walking
- our black taxi tour of west belfast
- the cupcake cafe!
- the puppy at global village
- bus rides, train rides
- "god is love, and love is real" tattoo
- the two big group of americans at our last hostel
- our single beds at our first hostel
- the surgery sign
- siteseeing
- brendan losing his sweater
- the sky bruised in pinks and blues on our drive home

 

i think of your smile
i'm in love with your teeth.

reader

back when i was single, i found that traveling taught me new things about myself. things i'd never encountered before, even though they existed. the same is true now that i'm married, but it also reveals things about brendan and our dynamic together.

our trip to ireland exposed that i am very impulsive. i've known that for a long time, in fact my first blog entry was about that, but i don't think i understood just how often it comes up. i generally DO then think after, and in some cases sometimes worry later, but at the time i'm 100% certain of my actions. i think on the fly and deal with the consequences (if there are any) when the occur.

brendan on the other hand is a slow processor. he needs time to think and let the situation sink in. he tackles one thing at a time and plays it safe. quite frequently on our trip i found him thinking too slowly, and i would impatiently tell him "faster faster, come on brendan". this is something we're going to have to figure out, because the luxury of true contemplation is not always an option, while impulsively acting isn't always smart either.

on a busy street in dublin i dove into the backseat of rachel's car with my massive backpack on, then got stuck. all i knew is that we had to get in the car the fastest way possible, but after i did it i knew it was one of the dumber courses of action. b would extremely slowly dig thru the change purse trying to decipher between 50p, 10p, 20p etc etc, while our train was arriving or there was a line up behind us. to be fair, we were working with 2 currencies, and my snap decisions didn't usually get me stuck face-down on a car seat.

when it's all said and done brendan has a cooler head, i have a faster thought-process. hopefully we can combine these super powers and lose the negative side effects :)
 
if i had no boots, i'd trek through the mud.

botanic

we're having a great time here in belfast. brendan and i both feel that we could live in this city very easily. it reminds us a little bit of kingston, so it feels extra homey. 

we've been doing A LOT of walking. easily 5-6 hours a day, if not more. the weather is so perfect that we're neither too hot nor too cold. lovely for walking. the food has been great, and i've been eating a normal amount (not counting my calories) since i've easily been burning 1500 calories a day from all the walking. it's nice having the freedom to eat without thinking in depth about it. 

we've been eating british chocolate everyday, and drinking guinness. yesterday we drank two guinneses :) delicious. 

it's funny how traveling puts life into a new perspective. i'm perfectly content to not own a house. and i'm finding that i'm not using much out of my backpack, so things like clothes, hair, accessories are less important. just keeping things simple. i seem to take less and less with me when i travel, and i'm sure next trip i'll need even less. 

while we've been here we've kind of settled on names for our future kids. i'm afraid i can't tell you which names we've selected, since i like to keep those a secret :p but i mention it because now that we've got names for these little lorimerettes i'm finding that i'm thinking of them more. i've concluded that this trip would be very doable with a baby, so i've been thinking about traveling with kids. what that would be like, and so on. i'm finding that thinking about parenting seems a lot easier than it will be in practise. right now i have energy and idealism that i'm sure i won't possess after sleepless nights and no breaks from draining babes. 

oh, i forgot to tell you. on the morning we left ktown we went to an open house/college preview at st lawrence for b. he's the only male in his class (so far), and we couldn't help but notice that the current students who shared about their placements were mostly in schools or with kids. that does not interest brendan at all, and we got thinking about what his experience will be like. i think his will be different. the teacher explained that they won't place a student with someone with serious mental health issues when they don't have experience. but brendan has plenty all ready. i think it's also different because he's a man. a pretty confident/competent man when it comes with working with the marginalized in our community. i can't imagine those 19 year old girls (who use the words 'like' and 'you guys' all the time) working with some of the visitors at the house famous.

i'm gonna wrap this up. i'm feeling pretty exhausted after another day of walking. it's a good exhausted though :) tomorrow we're heading back to dublin.

i wanna tear down the walls that hold me inside.

liffey

we've just arrived in belfast. our hostel is really great. super chilled and quiet - only 3 other guests. brendan is playing on a hostel guitar while he waits his turn on the computer. there's a pool table too and we're going to play later. i said to brendan "we've never played pool together before" to which he said "ya, i've never beat you at pool before" :S

we're having a great time. i'm feeling a little jet lagged still, but on the whole things are fab :) the weather is really perfect, today we went out walking without coats, and i had barefeet in sandles!

yesterday we explored dublin by way of a hop-on hop-off bus that took us to many of the main sites we wanted to see. our main highlights were... visiting the guinness storehouse, where we learned about the history of guiness, and got to drink a pint at the end from the top of the storehouse that provided a stellar view of the city. i have to admit, i'm quite a fan of guinness, it's very smooth. it may become my beer of choice (even though it's a stout). we also went to kilmainham jail where we learned more of the history behind the fight for irish independence.

one thing that has really surprised us that (at least in dublin) all the signs are bilingual - first irish gaelic, then english. we even came across an irish newspaper so there must be people who speak it! irish bares no resemblance to english, so you can't just guess at the words. like "grianghrafadóireacht" means photography. the accent in dublin is quite different to the accent in belfast, and on the whole the dubliner accent is much harder to understand.

this afternoon we went to the ulster museum here in belfast and learned about the troubles in belfast. after learning that history more in depth i'm not that surprised that there is still a police-state here in belfast since the last bombing was a little over 10 years ago. i couldn't help but notice that the last many of the countries i've visited in recent years experience mass amounts of violence during the 70s and surrounding decades. it both gives me hope that the parts of the world that are war torn at the moment will experience peace in the coming decades, while at the same time feel discouraged that it may take 30+ years.

when we left kilmainham jail (gaol) yesterday, our guide said "enjoy your freedom". it was a good reminder that freedom is not for taking forgranted, and that around the world people have fought for it, and died.

ireland is very beautiful. as brendan said "you can't take an ugly picture of this city". i'm slightly surprised by how multicultural it is, for some reason i assumed there would be mostly english-speaking folks, but there is a very large polish presence here, among others. and at our last hostel it was predominantly german guests. we were some of the few regular north american travelers. which again surprises me.

it's neat to see how common the name brendan is here. upon exciting the airport we passed a man holding a sign that said "brendan vacations" - the name of a tour company! we were tempted to take his photo.

our two hostels have been great so far. but at yesterday's place we had a room with two single beds that we had to push together - that's happened before. in cambodia 2 of our 3 hotels had arrangements like that. it's ok, but we were happy that this hostel has a regular double bed.

tomorrow we're heading to (london)derry. so fun! and educational :)

where the buildings are old and you might have lots of mimes.

link

we've arrived in ireland. our trip went great!

 

our hotel in syracuse was nice, our 8 hour layover in nyc passed lickety split, i got to ride on the train that bbd built, i slept well on our flight, and we caught the bus into the city to our hostel with no problems. we're having loads of fun already. now we have to kill 4 hours before we get get into our room - wish us luck! brendan didn't really sleep so we'll see how it goes :)

 

one minute left on this computer! gotta go!

speak

we're heading out tomorrow. i'm really happy, there was a chunk in the afternoon that i was so overwhelmed by things at work that thinking about ireland wasn't on my radar, much less being excited about it. but i got everything finished and now i'm home, and i've packed my trusty backpack, i baked some muffins to eat during layovers, and got everything in order. now i'm excited. and happy too! really happy.

tomorrow is our 9 month (wedding) anniversary. it's been a great 9 months. it's exciting that we're able to go for another trip even within our first year of marriage! and i have to admit, i like him more and more all the time :) that's pretty awesome i'd say. that b is something special.

i love traveling. i love that i'm becoming quite experienced at it. i love that brendan loves to travel too, and that he's a good travel companion.

i like being on the edge of something. i like being in a story that's unfolding. i like being present and joyful in it. i definitely am feeling intoxicated with possibility and goodness.

if you've lost your way, i'm seeing you through.

liquids

i had a dream last night that my cat pekoe had a doppelganger. he was an evil doppelganger with slightly bigger/more pointy ears, and his face was nasty mean. he was kind of a stow-away in our house and we didn't realize he was there because he never appeared at the same time as koe-koe. we eventually got rid of him, but i was left wondering if we'd banished the correct one or not.

 

the winter always ends with water on your lips.

sloan

i'm coming down with a cold. crappy timing :S yesterday it seemed contained to just one nostril, but it seems to have spread to both and my throat. sucky. i'm gonna get some kind of cough medicine and hope that it helps. i often get sick right before vacationing, and other times right after.

bren lent me her old gortex rain jacket last night. she insisted that i needed something waterproof for ireland and that my nylon vest wasn't gonna cut it. when i tried it on i stood in their living room while mike, bren and rowan all looked on - it fit. m+b noticed that even their dog was very attentive to me in bren's coat. i felt around in pockets to see if there might be a hidden treasure, and after pulling out a few duds my hand grabbed hold of half a dog treat and pulled it out. i gave it to jessie who ate it up immediately not caring how old it was.

the temperature was 15 degrees in dublin today. i'm really looking forward to that. i've been freezing all day! spring is waiting.
 
i came across a photo the other day on facebook on my cousin's profile. it was labelled as my grandma. she looked to be in her mid-20s. the colours were vibrant and she looked candid. i'd never seen a photo of my grandma younger than 50 before and i was quite captured by it. she was beautiful, but while i searched her face for any resemblance of me i didn't find anything. i look like my dad, and my dad looked like his mom, so i thought surely i would see my face in hers as well. but i didn't, our hair was similar but our faces weren't. when i showed the photo to my dad he said it wasn't her at all, and he had no idea who that was. i was kind of disappointed and yet kind of glad. while i did want so much for it to be true that it was in fact my mysterious grandma who in theory i bear much resemblance to in both face and in body shape. it was kind of a relief since the woman, as pleasant as she was, did not resemble me so it makes sense that she is not the missing piece of my family tree. i don't suppose i'll ever see her face. but there was one nice surprise. among all the photos there was one little tot who my eyes passed over -18 months old, brown hair and brown eyes, with long wavy locks, it was my dad! i'd never see a photo of him younger than 13 before, so it was super neat. while one thing was lost, something better was found.

all the cursive claims you've yet to make.

cake

i had an exchange with this strange man-child yesterday.

first he insulted me over our trip to ireland (said it was a lame place to visit) - whatever, to each their own.

then he mocked my baby niece for her unisex name (apparently he'd never heard of 'erin' before) - poor taste to mock a baby, but she won't remember or be permanently damaged.

lastly he attacked my b (his intigrity, his ambitions to change the world, his decision to go back to school) - i nearly gouged his eyes out. oh how i wanted to rip his face off.

i'm still feeling extremely angry, i woke in the night still angry and couldn't sleep. this ignorant dump truck who has never met brendan, who barely knows me. it's indeed a challenge to love someone who is not like me, who i don't like, and who it seems doesn't like me. i think he knew he crossed the line and tried to dig his way out a little by spreading the mock around, that just put him in deeper. at that point i was on the verge of tears and just shook my head at him in bewilderment. shortly there after he silently exited and his wife gave the excuse that he "had an errand to run". perhaps it was a medical appointment to get his foot out of his own mouth. probably a difficult proceedure since he seems to have swallowed it so deeply that it was coming out of his ass.

 

everybody, everybody, love, love, love, love, love.

know nothing

the true count-down to vacation has begun, and i'm feeling it. i've got ireland on my brain and i'm antsy for this week to wrap up - even though it's just starting. i'm just really tired and i don't wanna do anything!

i did have a really great weekend though. i'd almost say wonderful. which might have something to do with my jimmy-leg for next weekend. saturday was really productive. we got our taxes done, which is always a treat because our tax guy is very amusing. it turns out brendan went to camp with his daughter and they were all chatty-mcchat about that. our taxes worked out well, which is good as i was a little concerned about that. we discovered a few months ago that our RRSPs were set up incorrectly, so i was a wondering how they would effect our taxes, but it worked out pretty well. obviously this was our first time filing together as a married couple, so we felt super grown-up :)

nancy and we (us? we? what's the correct word this this kind of sentence??) spent a good chunk of time vacuuming out our car. it's the cleaniest it has ever been since 2008. we are so ready for our roadtrip to syracuse next weekend :D i'm really looking forward to that relaxing start to our vacation. i'm feeling a little mentally checked out. i dunno how i'll make it thru the week! i love traveling. i got all our travel papers sorted out - hostel confirmations (so we won't be homeless like we were in siem reap), our travel intineraries, our e-tickets, and any extra info. i'm feeling super organized! i'm not a naturally organized person, so i have to be intentional about it. it's much easier when i have interest in what i'm doing.

i'm having one of those days where i feel like i might just collapse into a puddle underneath my desk. i feel like i'm slowly evaporating.

we're both kind of outsiders. i think that's why i like her. we probably have very little in common other than the fact that we're related and we're both looking in thru an invisible partition. being told that we don't belong, when actually we do. we belong just as much as the rest of them, only we've been voted out because of apathy. majority rules. well the majority kind of stinks anyways. i'll try my best to help her, we're both intrigued by the unknown. who they were.

 

we're always on the edge of something bigger than this.

snapshot

it's out of context and i love it...

1) i got a little freaked out about my fallopian tubes this morning.

2) i'm the worst for assuming the worst. what is wrong with my brain!?!?!

3) he's like an effeminate version of harold from the red green show.

 

4) sometimes i spell plants with an e in it. like planets. nuclear planets. they'll be the next big thing i'm sure.

 

5) it's weird how similar naivety and nativity is. like shoes and choose. choose and chews. the english language. it's quirky.

 

6) my needs and wants don't always line-up, and i mostly default to my needs, or sadly even just whatever is right in front of me.

 

7) i'm very thankful that i married someone i connect with so well. i frequently have nightmares that instead of marrying him i marry my exboyfriend.

 

8) i think our laundry (95% mine) has been out "drying" for at least a month :S

 

like a hundred eyes aiming at the words in your breath.

i think i'm falling asleep from the feet up

sometimes my legs are so comfortable that i don't want to move.

but it's time to go.

go time.

home time.

callipygian

for some strange reason i'm finding lent this year particularly difficult. i've chosen to give up being late. it doesn't seem too difficult, it doesn't seem more difficult that changing one's sleeping habits or dietary approach. and yet, it's been super hard and i've been struggling. today i skipped out on brushing my teeth, eating breakfast, and putting in my contacts (all things i occassionally skip in order to save time), and i still arrived 10 minutes late for work. to be honest i felt pretty crappy about it, and on my way to work i spent some time meditating on this. i considered whether it was worth trying if i was going to fail at it. i considered what this said about my priorities, what it said about my commitment to this endeavour. i was soon able to conclude that it's not about succeeding, it's about the journey i take over 40 days. that quiting because it's hard serves no purpose at all, it's better to do the best i can than to not do at all. where is my heart, i asked myself. am i leaning in or leaning out? am i failing because i'm not actually committed or am i failing because it's just plan hard. so with a new appreciation for the challenge ahead of me, i start once again. i continue.

i bought this ring on etsy last week. it was not exactly what i was imagining. i thought it was white, but it's actually kind of transluent. it arrived on thursday. i was not in love with it. i was kind of half-hearted, but i thought i'd give it a go. by tuesday it was broken. oh well. at least i'm not hugely disappointed. just means i wasted 8 bux.

we're currently doing this radio survey. they sent us a booklet and 2 dollars each to fill in a diary of which radio stations we listen to and when, each day, for 2 weeks. we received a package in the mail addressed to "Brenden and Leslie Mckight". they effectively spelled each one of our names incorrectly, plus got our name wrong twice removed. i suppose it doesn't matter that much, they're not seeking to know what the mckights listen to, so much as people in general. we're people, so i think we qualify.

brendan thinks that honey speaks with an accent. i'm not exactly sure where she would've picked up such an accent. she's just little.

 

i shut my eyes for a moment's rest
'cause i get so tired.

sit

maybe it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it's weighed on my mind for over a decade.


what thing transpired while my body slept?
beset my mind

quick

i've been knitting some socks for a while. actually i started them last spring at the next church retreat. but then i got busy with our engagement, and summer happened, and then i started knitting christmas gifts, that the socks got put aside. then in january i picked up my needles again and completed the first sock. soon after i continued my work on them i decided i'd give them to bren. she's a person who appreciates socks, and appreciates knitting, and i knew she'd appreciate a pair of knitted socks more than i would. i can knit myself a hundred socks, and i wouldn't delight in them the way bren would.

so i had to find a way to figure out her foot size. i knew she was roughly my size, i knew we'd talked about our foot size before, but could not remember her size. i considered asking mike, but didn't want to make him keep a secret. i considered asking one person to ask another person to ask another person to ask bren her foot size, but knew she'd piece it together when she saw me knitting. so when she told me about her new black boots that she found at the sally ann, i used that as an excuse to ask her "what's your foot size?" perfect.

i finished the second one this morning, and all day waited to give them to my friend. finally by evening i needed to get out of the stale air of being sick in an apartment all day, so i walked down to her house to give her the sox. she was so shocked, completely dumbfounded. it was awesome. in fact, she asked several times if i was sure that i wanted her to have them, and i assured her that i've been knitting them for her. it was great, the exact reason why i wanted her to have them. i know they will be well loved.

i can feel it in my bones.

evaporate

i'm sick. i'm at home with a tummy ache. in the last week i've come to realize that some of the ways my body functions is not normal. things i've seen as routine are actually a sign of unhealth and shouldn't have been ignored by myself or my former physician. after coming into this knowledge it's difficult to ignore the way my body works. i'm not alarmed by this, rather i'm listening to it and becoming more in tune to what it says.

i often a liken cars with bodies. sometimes a car can make a rattling sound and the daily driver doesn't hear it because she's so accustomed to it. then someone will point it out and from then on she hears it each time she drives. 

i had a flash flood of sickness last night after living room. i thought i'd feel better by morning but i do not. usually i'd just think "maybe i ate something funky, or picked up a bug somewhere". but now that i'm looking back over the history of my body i see a pattern unraveling, becoming exposed. i'm seeing my doctor on wednesday and i'm hoping to get to the root of the problem. whatever it is.

i don't want to be at home sick. we were never allowed sick days as kids, and since then i've always equated sickness with a guilty feeling. since i'm feeling under the weather i'm also feeling low emotionally. i almost feel sorrowful. not about myself, but kind of the world in general. how it doesn't make a lot of sense and is full of contradictions. sometimes it overwhelms me and i feel like a failure from every angle. 

brendan has left for work, so i'm going to make some chicken noodle soup and find something to do that involves lying down.

spring blooms and you find the love that's true.

unannounced

i've been doing a lot of thinking. i suppose it's been the result of a certain kind of awakening. for the first time ever, i'm coming to truly understand what it means to be poor. i'm so accustomed to seeing luxury and over the top wealth that i would place myself in the "have not category". but i've been exposed to a few alternate realities lately, and it's really humbling.

first, i've been reading gone with the wind. the characters have come thru the civil war with nothing. their houses and crops have been burned, they have next to no food and next to no animals – they eat yams and peanuts every meal. they have the clothes on their back, there is sickness all around. it boggled my mind to imagine a world where one couldn't just go to the store to buy more food and supplies. it made me realize how vulnerable we are as humans, how if our part of the world took a drastic turn i would not know how to be a farmer and take care of our basic needs. the civil war was ruthless. and it's left me stunned by how privileged we are.

in addition to that (the timing interesting since it built on what i was already thinking), brendan and i saw biutiful last night. that exposed me to modern poverty. it had immigrants who had to sleep on the floor of a warehouse basement in rows, a group of 25 people lying side by side. people scrounging for food and money to feed their children. apartments with paint curling off the walls and cockroaches covering the ceiling. i have no idea what it's like to be truly without. to struggle.

i am awake. i hope these lessons stay with me. i need this sobering reminder regularly. i want to learn to not be wasteful, and not take for granted.

i've been asleep for a long, long time.

horseman

i'm wearing purple and green today. i'm a little unsure about the combination because both the green and the purple are quite deep vibrant colours. but you know, i have a cardigan (that i'm not currently wearing) that has those two colours and i've always been pleasantly surprised about how well they go together. perhaps i'll be a trendsetter around the office with this combo.

when her intestines were put back inside, they ended up in a different place. i've never been one for changing the familiar, i didn't even like how my teeth felt after a filling! so i can appreciate how annoying that would be for her.

brendan got his new schedule that will start in april. the whole process was a catch 22. he was given two options, neither are particularly good. i was disappointed when he told me which he selected, mostly because we weren't on the same page. i preferred him working evenings if it meant having weekends off, he preferred having mon-tue off because he'll have most of his evenings free. i'm trying to remember that it's just temporary. it's only 5 more months, but the last 7 weeks have gone by slowly so 5 months seems like a long time. i'm sad that we won't have saturdays together and that he won't be able to come with me to sunday lunch.

i've officially lost 10 pounds since christmas. i've worked my ass half off! hooray! i'm feeling good, positive, and more streamline.

he's an engineer and a real stickler for details. now that i can predict it, it makes me laugh, even in my frustration. i like how laughing breaks any tension.

even though i thought i was all alone i was wrong,
i'm not.

post-it

plants and animals played at zappa's last night. i'd never been there before, and i have to say that i really like it as a venue. it's spacious and functional. i may even go so far to say that it's the best venue in town (for bigger shows like that - way better than the ale house).

the show was great - both p&a and the opening band karkwa. they're a quebecois band who won the polaris prize this year. they're actually very big in french-canada, so touring with p&a is a great opportunity to introduce them to english-canada. they were well received, regardless of the fact that they only sing in french and most people didn't know what they were saying. one things bren and i loved about them was that instead of drinking beer on stage, they were drinking red wine. it was so awesome :D

 

@beckie, you should check them out for some stellar french music. both bands are from montreal.

when i got home last night the house was completely dark. it was around 12:45, but brendan had told me that he'd wait up for me. i was disappointed that he hadn't. but when i got in the house i noticed that there was a candle burning in the bathroom. knowing that brendan doesn't tend to light candles for ambiance i called to him "brendan, what's going on?". the power had been out for 3 hours, including the phone and the wifi. at 3:30 in the morning i woke up to find the house completely awake with lights on in every room. i said to brendan who was deep in sleep "brendan, brendan why are all the lights on?" repeating myself until it was clear that he was not going to wake up, i finally realized that the power had come back on lighting our house in the process.

the fridge was off for 5 hours in total and my goat cheese was very soft this morning.

i got this great cuff in the mail yesterday. i bought it on etsy. i love that site :)

 

i want you, 

i want you, 

i want you, 

i want you to help us out.

surfacing

i'm almost out of gas. so so almost. but i made it to work. i reigned supreme over that gas gage. I AM VICTORIOUS! i couldn't stop for gas or i would've been late.

today is ash wednesday and the beginning of lent. last year i gave up sleeping in (it was hard at times, but was over all a very positive experience), and the year before (my first time participating) i gave up meat. i saw a really negative rant about lent on facebook the other night (see below), it left me feeling stung. lent isn't supposed to make you feel guilty (or spew obscenities on the internet), if it does than you're not really understanding the practise. in my experience lent is about freedom. it's an opportunity to free myself from something that acts as a vice (not that meat was a temptation for me, but it was my first time and i wanted to ease myself into it). this year i'm giving up being late. last night i got wondering if it was too vague, so i hashed out some parameters: i won't be late for work or bedtime, and i would arrive on time for work and church. in a way this is similar to last year, which is good because i enjoyed last year's lent immensely. that should be the experience, if you're not enjoying it then don't do it. brendan's not participating this year, he's taking a break.

i added her as a friend on facebook in hopes of getting better acquainted. we rarely crossed paths as kids and when i saw her last she was quite kind and sweet - it seemed. but in the last month or so i've determined that she's actually a really terrible person - bitter and toxic. i don't think my life is enriched to have her part of it, even if it's in this minimal manner. i don't want to delete her, but i don't think i want to be exposed to her either. needless to say i'm rather surprised by this and a little disappointed to find that she's a phony.

SO the big news of the week is that ben and meg are having a little baby :D i'm SUPER SUPER happy about this. both brendan and i woke up last friday feeling joyful and that life is good. our new niece is due on august 22.

and even if
you're scared stiff
you can trust in this.

elevator

they wheeled me around on a bed as though i was a shopping cart. it made me smirk and i hoped that no one noticed. on the way back i didn't smirk. my face was fallen and i was in a daze.

i received a letter in the mail from peter milliken thanking me for sending my passport thru his office. that really wasn't necessary mr milliken (or rather mr milliken's staff), find better things to do with your time. the salutation read "dear mrs lorimer" that may be the first time that's happened.

my dad and i drove in the car. i noticed yet another thing about him, he jumps from conversation topic to conversation topic. hm! i thought. this is yet another thing i'm similar too, except i'm self-conscious of it. it's not that i lose interest in the topic at hand i'm simply lead by my stream of consciousness, my words go as my brain directs me.

i tried not to cry, but i did a little. i knew he would feel badly and not know what to say. "oh well" i said "oh well". i couldn't think of anything better to say for several hours. "oh well" i still say and "we'll see". he bought me dinner, i think it was the only thing he could think of to comfort me, but he told me he wanted me to have something healthy to eat since i'd been fasting all day.

i been down, i been downhearted baby
ever since the day we met.

ride

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately about socializing. specifically the impact of having family locally has to one's social life. i don't think i realized that we are kind of unusual for having both sides of our family in town. i've noticed that we don't have to travel at holidays, but didn't really see any impact beyond that. i'm not particularly inclined to compare myself to others, but i do tend to spend time wondering i'm normal and look around me to see what's normal around me. am i progressing and maturing at a regular pace? am i achieving social milestones? i've been noticing some differences, neither good nor bad. i've overlooked the impact of having family locally, and have ended up concluding that the time we spend with our families other people spend with created family – a group of friends or a few families at the same stage of parenting. there's part of me that feels we're out of the loop, that relationships are being built around us, and we're not included – and i hate missing out of things. but there's a richness and longevity in investing in our parents, siblings, and nieces & nephews. so i'm ok with not being in on other gatherings. our situation is different, and i should stop looking out there to discover what's normal. that being said i'm hoping that soon (when life returns to a less teeter-totter phase) that we'll have more opportunities to hangout with friends :) we also hung out with sarah and paul the other night, which was great, and i want to do that more.

we had a great time yesterday with my family and brendan's family. it was a full day, but really enjoyable. we celebrated birthdays, and shared meals.

one time at storytellers we made a list of things that make us feel like kids. i had difficulty things of things. however, on a daily basis i do things that make me feel like a grown-up. i don't think the novelty has really worn off yet.

moonlight spills on comic books
and superstars in magazines.

tricksy

sometimes i wake in the morning and feel that the world is aglow. there are times, rare occassions, that i feel immense encouragement about life, and community, and family, and faith, and love. i cherish days like this.

oh man, the craziest thing happened yesterday. i was chatting via instant messaging with my colleague michel in montreal. out of the blue he said to me "my office roomie says hello". so i asked him who his roomie is" and he said "your ex-carpooler". CARPOOLER PAUL!!! i couldn't believe it! i didn't know he was working for corporate. when he left here he was returning to school to finish his degree, and i didn't realize he'd snagged a career job with us in montreal! crazy! the most insane thing about it is that i have only one friend in that office, and i've only had one carpooler. what are the chances that they would end up being officemates. i was shocked and laughed and laughed as the three of us chatted over IM. so funny. i know i talked to both of them about each other back in my carpooling days. they're both multilingual but paul always had a better grasp on english slang than michel does. so funny.

i feel uncomfortable taking photos in front of 250 people. clumsy and awkward. i could speak to them all no problem, but taking photos is not natural for me. i'm pretty sure i blushed a lot. my face betrays me.

i feel a little bit frumpy.

you got your mother's eyes,
you got your daddy's head.

map

woo-hoo! brendan got accepted to college!! he's preeettttttyyyy excited! the open house/meet&greet is on the day we leave for ireland. so we'll go first thing in the morning then hit the road for syracuse.

i don't think i've explained this on pspd yet. so... after many dead-ends and submitted resumes that received no reply, brendan saw a counsellor at keys for some coaching. he explained his situation and what he'd like a job to be. in summary she says to him "so basically you want to be in social services, not customer service". and then a lightbulb appeared above our collective head. yes! social services, why did we not think of that before. this got me thinking, and i checked out the program online, then suggested to brendan that he take a look at it (i'd left it on my computer) if he was interested. so he did, and something inside us both seemed to confirm that this was the right direction to go in.

after that brendan decided to take a job at startek. between january and august he'll be able to save for both years of tuition, plus books and fees. he'll be able to do college sans debt - WHICH IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO US! yet another confirmation that this is a good decision.

who knows what job prospects will be like in the spring of 2013, but he'll have a college diploma which will greatly improve his hirability. i think this is great. i'm super proud of b for taking this big step. and i think social work fits him perfectly. in my experience, a fraction of my classmates are working in graphic design, but the ones who really wanted to be... are! i'm confident that b will do well and i'm excited that he has clear direction. hooray for b!

like a loose balloon, i am lost and i'm loving the view.

courier

my first pair of mail-order sox arrived last night. while i did open them, i didn't try them on until this morning. i wanted to wait so i could wear them all day long. i really like them. they're black, grey and red. i actually colour coordinated my work clothes to match them. this is what they look like :D

last night i went to see my niece and nephews race their wooden cars at AWANA. i wasn't sure what to expect, and was surprised to see so many people i know. rach & jase where there, joanne was there, people from highschool, people who used to come to next, my family, my family's friends, my old doctor. it was kind of surreal actually. the kids did pretty well, and i did have a good time. my dad wanted me to come even more than the kids did. he was very excited because he'd made a car and he almost completely made joelle and caleb's. he's a very entusiastic starter.

i have to admit, in many of our wedding photos i'm disappointed in my hair. not that i wore it down, or how long it was. mostly the fact it rained and made my hair kind of go flat and unpleasant. if only i'd discovered hairspray before last june. obviously i knew about hairspray existed, but i thought it was only for keeping up-dos in place. i didn't know it could be used on down hair too. now i use it all the time! if i had today's hair at our nuptials then i'd be very happy. today's hair is awesome, and i really dig it - it's unruly, wavy, with just the right amount of texture. sometimes when i see our wedding pictures i feel disappointed about my hair but then i remind myself that it doesn't change the fact that b and i are married, and that was the whole point. even if we had no pictures at all that would be ok.

it's funny to me how men shake hands and women don't. how often do you meet a woman and shake her hand? never huh? weird.

i buried it in the falling leaves,
looking awful green,
in the whipping wind.

peachtree

she's in abu dhabi and told me that the heat is getting to her. i wish i lived in a place where the heat got to me all year long.

i'm growing suspicious that scarlet's baby has simply been written out of the plot. i skimmed ahead 40 pages looking for his name and it does not appear. how bizarre. maybe it'll be like in a soap opera when the baby disappears for a little while and then returns from some secret boarding school as a grown man.

i'd forgotten how much i love zucchini. i fried one up last night while b was at work, and then stole some of his leftovers. who needs chips or junk food when you can eat a fried zucchini. not me.

sometimes when losing weight, i get impatient with my progress and feel that i should be a size 9 already.

one time when i was younger, my mom slipped on the front step and scraped her face on the pavement. she used oil of olay cream on it and her wounds cleared up in no time. that stuff is like a crazy drug for your face. she later gave it to me for use on the occasion of my eight hickeys. they cleared up expediently as well. ever since then i've been slightly phobic of hickeys, but just to be funny and kind of ironic i gave one to brendan on our honeymoon. suddenly everything was permissible and not sleazy so i wanted to simply because i could.

there were no seeds in my packet. i'm seedless, which i guess is ok. since it's wintertime and all.

we begin downstairs and we end up up here.

few

i don't like ice in milk or ice in orange juice. both are gross.

i felt compelled to watch little women this weekend. i didn't watch a lot of movies growing up. we didn't have a vcr until i was 9 and even that was rented. the first movie i went to see in the movie theatre was "caught - a billy graham film" and it totally freaked me out. not the big screen or the sound, but the content scared the crap out of me. i don't recall my parents showing any concern at my fear, maybe they didn't notice me on the floor with my ears plugged and eyes shut singing about the little green frog. anyways, little women (the 1949 version) was one film i remember watching on multiple occassions. since i've been reading gone with the wind i wanted to watch a civil war era film. brendan was reluctant at first. but in the end, jo won him over.

speaking of things i used to be afraid of... i'm less terrified of having kids lately. i'm not saying i want to have a baby right now, but i'm feeling more peaceful about that kind of life change. we're so fortunate to have parents and siblings in town, i know we'll be surrounded with loving and supportive friends and family. i feel that 2 is managable. we can mentally, emotionally, physically and fiscally manage two lorimerettes. (when i say ette, i mean "little" not necessarily female).

i burnt my tongue last night really badly :S now it's sore and swollen. have i learned my lesson i wonder.

you'll be a bright light coming out of the dark.

hang-nail

i've been doing a lot of browsing and purchasing on etsy in the last week. i have to admit, it's very fun. i'm excited for my new purchases to arrive in the mail. it feels nice after a month or so of penny pinching that i once again have some pocket money.

yesterday we took a long walk downtown and made a few stops on the way there and back. i was tired near the end and b had to pull me so i'd make it home again.

david preached a great sermon about consumerism and generosity this morning. it was very challenging and yet reassuring at the same time. i felt once again reminded that our norm in north america is not the norm world wide, and i need to remember that to keep myself in check. the most shocking part of the sermon was not only when he gave $5 to a random guy in the pews, but then proceeded to pass around a stack of 5s to everyone to take one or more depending on our needs. it was a great object lesson and one we won't soon forget. generosity, it's rare and kind of visceral. kudos to david for having the courage to be an example of being open fisted. that was a lesson i won't be soon forgetting.

sometimes the lifestyle that comes from faith in jesus doesn't make sense. like boldly giving, forgiving, loving, or showing grace, or striving for selflessness. sometimes it doesn't always make sense to me at first thought, but then i make room for less of me and it's easier to live illogically.

i knitted a little more to the length of this sock than the other one. that's ok though, it's only a slight different.

what you've done echoes on and on.

confidential

i bought some socks at the bay yesterday with the remainder of a gift card. they're called "all day socks", i hope they live up to their name. the weird thing about that purchase is that there was still 37 cents left on the card and the sales lady insisted that i keep it. the frickin bay wouldn't give me 37 cents. the lady said "think of it this way, your next purchase will be 37 cents off" :S

brendan, beckie and i were talking about friendships. it seems in our culture friendship is understood to be something that you're in or you're out. like a hula hoop - either you're all in or all out, or sometimes one foot is in and the other is out, sometimes it's twirling around on one limb (i think this analogy is breaking down...)

as the three of us talked we recognized that friendships are not the same as romantic relationships where there's an official committment and usually a clear beginning and end. which is good, we're glad they're different. friend break-ups are awkward and painful, and we concluded that they're bizarre because they resemble a committed relationship rather than plutonic kinship. friendships are more free-flowing. i think on the whole we need to be ok with the fact that sometimes our friendship connections are strong, and sometimes they're loose. sometimes our friendships fade away for no apparent reason other than the passing of time. beckie said "why can't we just be ok with the fact that friendships fade" (or something to that effect), and i think that's an excellent point. i work hard at my friendships, but perhaps i need to learn to be more relaxed about them. to learn that like the wind they will be strong and gusty at times, and other times they'll be mild and calm. sometimes the wind will blow us in different directions, it's not a bad thing, it doesn't mean we are now sworn enemies. it just means that we're growing and changing in new ways and don't necessarily cross paths anymore.

we often get let down by changes in friendship. when our pals lives change, or they move away, or we move away. i think it's the disappointment that hurts the most. i'm going to change my expectations, have a more realistic approach to my connections. not that i've been hurt lately, but i fear hurting others. it's liberating to know that friends are a wonderful optional addition, not an obligation that requires - nay, demands - something from me.

i'm reading gone with the wind right now. it's super funny. i don't think it's meant to be, but it's so backwards i can't help but be amused by it.

i needs a cuppa tea.

 

we slept again in the nude.

verbatim

i'm becoming semi obsessed with good quality sox. i have favourite socks and least favourite socks. unfortunately, the number of crappy socks out number the awesome socks. a true dilema if i've ever seen one. so because of this, i think i've come up with a plan. i'm going to order one pair of awesome socks a month. i know i could go to the store and buy some, but i hate errands, and i like the idea of socks arriving in the mail. the great thing about my once a month sock purchase is that i can improve my footware without great expense. little by little i will build a wardrobe worth of my toes :p they will keep me warm and dry.

it seems in quebec, male employees will enter the women's washrooms for scheduled checks and cleanings, while the ladies are still in the stalls. that happened to me twice! i consider myself more easy going about such things than most - if there was a scale between 1 to 10, 1 being horrified, and 10 being completely comfortable, i'd be a 6 or 7. i think i was more puzzled about this new approached and was surprised by the breach of bathroom etiquette.
 
i say high, you say low
you say why, and i say i don't know.

couche-tard

we got lost in montreal again. it turned out totally fine, but at the time i really had to pee and we were really low on gas. stressed me out! then (for about 10 minutes) i thought i lost my wallet, but it was on the floor in the backseat of the car - thankfully.

it was a really great trip, and i appreciate the fact that we can do fun things like that, especially at minimual expense. i've been thinking about something i heard in a show i was watching at beck's place. the character said "when did life become something you buy". that really stuck with me. i don't want my life to be about buying things. it's not something you purchase, it's not about the things we have. it makes me disappointed that our culture is so obsessed with the latest and greatest. it's not even "keeping up with the jones's" anymore, but rather keeping up with market introduction. we've been told that wants are now needs, and we live in a society of people who live above their means in order to have those "needs".

b and me, we don't have cellphones, we don't have cable tv, we don't have a blu-ray player or current electronics. most of our furniture is used or hand-me-downs. and we live in a tiny one-bedroom apartment. some would think we're kind of lame. but the reality is, very few people can have EVERYTHING they want, so we all have to pick and choose how we want to spend our time and money. my dad has a neighbour who spends 500 bux a month on satellite. the guy has hundreds of channels, but i suspect he doesn't go anywhere or do anything interesting. we all pay in one way or another. we give up something to get something else. us lorimers, we try to live frugally in order to do other things we like more.

speaking of things we don't have... beckie gave me her old rabbit ears! we now get one channel - cbc! hooray! i'm very excited about this. i like that it's kinda retro. i want to digress a little. sometimes it's hard to keep life simple, but i think it's important and more sustainable (see above paragraph).

you say yes, i say no.
you say stop, and i say go go go!

st lawrence river

we traveled east. leaving at 7:40 am and arrived at 1:30.we only got lost once in montreal, and i totally expected to, because it's not easy to navigate. driving over the bridge into quebec city was amazing. thankfully at that point our drive was almost over because cabin fever was starting to set in :p i love road trips. 

i'm having a super great time with beck and brendan. it's been so relaxing and easy going. we've been hanging out, chatting, eating, laughing, walking. we spent the whole afternoon in old quebec, wandering and exploring. it was definitely winter out, but i like feeling winter's chill and defrosting afterwards. it makes me really happy that beck and b get along so well. we went to this microbrewery last night, it they only serve beer there and have menus from other restaurants available so you can order take out to be delivered. very cool. i had a cherry & vanilla stout. it felt funny that we couldn't speak with the server and beckie had to translate for us. it was very amusing in a good way. we concluded that the pub was like a beer version of the goat. 

beckie's house is pretty cool. we have a fire going in the fireplace, and the puppies are  outside. b really liked the dogs, i'm glad he finally got to meet them since i've told him all about them. they're so funny, and BIG!

when the nakedness comes
i am shocked by the colour 

the glorious weight of your skin.

staple

sometimes i wonder what it would be like to be a sinus.

crimson and clover is one of my all-time favourite songs. i don't know why. i simply love everything about it. i think melinda is the only person who knows that about me. it's not a secret or anything, it just doesn't come up very often. it doesn't get a lot of play these days. it's a stellar song.

there's two things i've never seen my mom do: chew gum or run.

you can't show your bosom before 3:00

twine

my alarm clock didn't go off this morning :S i should've been suspicious because i felt well rested when i woke up. so annoying. i can't figure out why! that alarm clock is so unreliable. i like it because the numbers are green and it's easy to set, but all in all it's functionality is a disappointment. i threw on some clothes and my glasses, packed my lunch and headed to work. didn't shower, didn't brush my teeth, didn't eat breakfast. i hate starting days this way - late and flustered.

we had the AGM last night. i felt it went pretty well. i was telling b afterwards that it will take some time for me to adjust to the reality that i'm not on the board anymore. probably not until the first meeting that i miss. i think it will be good, but an adjustment. i've been privy to the interesting ins and outs of church life, and had a lot of say in the direction we go in. i think i'm going to have to find a new place in the mix since i don't really remember what it was like prior to.

our list exchange on monday evening was great. the items made me laugh and cry. it was a very bonding experience, like we were bound more tightly together, and afterwards we just sat really close on the couch talking about our days and arcade fire. that's a definite new tradition. i'm actually looking forward to next valentine's day.

this weekend we're hitting the road. we're driving to quebec city to visit beckie, her city and her dogs. i'm feeling super excited. i love roadtrips with brendan and i'm excited about our destination too. i haven't been to q-city since 1993. but i LOVE montreal, so if i like quebec a fraction of my affection for its contemporary then it's going to be a love-in. we're leaving first thing saturday morning (cross my fingers... 7 am!), and will return on monday. i'm looking forward to it!

you've got the world to see.

pew

i don't know why (or if it should) but i'm surprised to discover that i'm really enjoying my job. i've sat in this cubicle for 7.5 years, and over that course of time i went from being a young new designer, to a capable and knowledgable team member who held down the fort while her boss's husband was dying, to the reliable and consistant employee, to a disgruntled and frustrated minion, to a thriving and challenging designer/copywriter. i'm really grateful, and am amazed that i could experience so many different roles while remaining in this cube.

the approach of my former boss to my current boss couldn't be more different. emma really wants to develop my ability and give me more opportunities to contribute. i'm really happy about this. i'm now in the lead for the newsletter and after a rocky start (i'm not used to managing other people), it's come together really well! i'm pleased!

last night i sat around in the living room watching the tv feeling kind of restless. i couldn't figure out what to do with myself, and finally discovered it was because i was looking forward to returning to work this morning and continuing what i was doing when i'd left. i've gone from "ugh, it's only 3 pm, i still have an hour and a half to kill" to "oh no! it's 3 pm! i only have an hour and a half left to get this done!" i feel like an old married person discovering re-infatuation with their spouse. it's kind of funny how i have a relationship with my job not simply the company or people i work with, it's as though the job is an entity unto itself.

i feel dynamics changing. which i suppose is normal with each change in circumstances. i'm going to have less time to email people. which is crappy because email is my best form of communication. i like connecting and staying connected thru that medium. i'll try to focus on quality instead of quantity. i'll get satisfaction from that.

when b and i were dating i liked cutting his hair. now that we're married the novelity has worn off, and he has to plead with me for a trim. i think i hate it because i get covered in his hair and i'm left itchy for not only the remainder of the day, but also the next time i wear those clothes. does this happen to other people? i don't know how stylists and barbers manage. maybe i need some kind of hair dressing smock.

i love the work smock. it's one of my favourites.

i wanna write her name in the sky.

spiral

it's valentine's day, and i've never been one for celebrating it. however, i do believe in embracing each circumstance i find myself in. i lived well and for the most part celebrated my singleness on v-day in the past. there's part of me that can't help but feel like something of a traitor for participating in this holiday, but do feel that my single self would disapprove of sitting it out when i have a great partner to appreciate.

b and i don't have a lot of traditions yet, but definitely have some in the making. this year, we did two things for valentine's day. on saturday we went to harper's for dinner, and tonight we're exchanging lists. this was partly inspired by storytellers on wednesday – which was a list night. we had different categories and had to make lists accordingly. it was really fun. i don't consider myself a list lover, but i am a quote lover, and lists are like a collection of abstract quotes. anyways, i suggested to brendan that this year (and perhaps each year) for valentine's day we give each other a list of our favourite things about each other. when he gets home from work we'll exchange them. it's been really lovely so far actually; collecting qualities, experiences, traits that are significant and special. focusing on your favourite things about your partner makes you fall in love a little bit more. over the weekend while we compiled our lists b would often say to me when i did different things "that's going on the list", and it made me secretly beam a little bit. i hope we always do this. i like how over the years our dynamics and needs will change, and we'll learn more and more about each other, which means a fresh new appreciation each year. i don't think we'll ever run out of things for the list if we're really investing in each other and looking, really looking.

i just finished freaks and geeks episode 14 of 18. i'll be sad when i finish. i'm growing quite attached to bill, and will miss his tremendously awkward adolescence. this show is growing on me. i was skeptical at first, but the character development has been quite positive. i like looking up the actors on wikipedia to find out what they're doing now. martin starr (bill) is my favourite, because as an adult he seems like a really cool guy inspite the fact that he played an extremely geeky kid. like check this out.

there's a hole in my head where the rain comes in.

poupour

we spent a large part of the afternoon (much larger than we expected) planning our trip to ireland. while it took a while, we're pretty pumped. six weeks today!! we're staying here: isaac's inn, and here global village, and here paddy's palace, and here lagan backpackers. and we're staying with rachel and eric a couple nights too. we're getting pretty excited about our trip! it's gonna be great. i'm really looking forward to it :D after this trip, brendan will be the person i've been to the most countries with, which is kind of neat because it's only over the course of 8 months of marriage! i was talking to my mom today asking her how similar she thinks ireland will be to the UK. she said it will be very similar, which is ok with me because i love the UK. it's my home away from home. i'm planning on buying some chocolate (way better than canadian chocolate) and ribena upon landing in dublin.

having lost 7 pounds, i've gone down 2 pant sizes and the pants i bought in december no longer fit. that's ok because i bought them for really cheap while on sale. i'm really pleased with my new pants. i prefer dark jeans, and in general i find this pair to be quite slimming. i'm less bulky and don't need a belt which is great.

we almost bought a house the other day. it was a short lived dream because within 4 hours of finding it i received an email from the realtor saying there's already a conditional offer on the house. that's ok. we weren't really looking, but just stumbled upon it. funny how different life paths appear and disappear so frequently.

last night i dreamt about a giraffe.

were you born a closed book,
full of secret lines?

mobility

my b started a blog.

well it's a tumblr account. he's more trendy than me :p

i've been wanting him to start a blog for a while. he used to have a blog. he's a beautiful writer and i knew i'd enjoy reading him. so after a little bit of thought he put it together and sent me a link. i hope it's ok that i'm now making it viral. here it is... http://magnificentdefeat.tumblr.com/

i've been reading a book recently suggested to me by my weirdo with a beardo. it's bittersweet. i won't get into the story so much as to say that it follows a man and woman's friendship. the man eventually marries the wrong woman and it doesn't bode well in spite his good intentions (the other girl was his best friend). he was fascinated by his wife, she was beautiful, and stunning, and enchanting. but they were not friends. they did not confide in one another. they did not support each other, share secrets or laughs. that seems shocking to me that people would marry someone who's amazing, but not their best friend. how can you be partners if you're not even friends. in our pre-marriage counseling devona told us "marriage is companionship with a little bit of sex thrown in". i like that. it resonates with me.

i spy with my little eye... something that is small and close and quaint and it has a green door. it makes me wonder and imagine. you never know what may be.

i really like the way the moon looks tonight.

frontenac

sometimes i have to get a catalytic converter.
sometimes i forget my keys at work.
sometimes my dad yells at other drivers.
sometimes i meet b on his lunch break to pick up the car, and we go to a coffee shop for a visit.
sometimes i bump into old best friends who now work at coffee shops.
sometimes a school bus drives past me and i see it's being driven by my highschool classmate.
sometimes it feels like living in the same town for almost my whole life makes it inevitable that i will bump into everyone.
sometimes i go to queen's campus and get carded.
sometimes while on campus i look at the students, think they're so young, and then feel sorry for them.
sometimes watching old anxiety teen tv shows make me squrim from the awkwardness so much that my eyes water.
sometimes sleeping is extra comfortable.
sometimes losing weight doesn't feel so difficult.
sometimes i like my lunch better than other times.
sometimes i both love and feel annoyed at a book at the same time.
sometimes it's too much.
sometimes it's too little.
sometimes it's just right.
sometimes i zig.
sometimes i zag.
sometimes i move my pile of mess from one pile on the floor to another pile on the floor.
sometimes i think about what i would do if i could do it again, and i tell people such.
sometimes i think that's the best advise.
sometimes i go to a show to just see brendan play, even though he plays in our living room all the time.
sometimes thank you cards aren't as overwhelming as they once were.
sometimes i'm positive.
sometimes i'm grumpy.
sometimes i'm squished.
sometimes i'm relieved.
sometimes i'm peaceful.

you can take that however you feel.

SOS

my dad and i scrubbed and scrubbed his old apartment. we broke-down each task and tried to tackle one thing at a time. i spent thursday, friday, and saturday with him, and was very surprised to discover just how similar we are. we're reckless with tools, we're impulsive, we're unconcerned with whether or not something is perfect just as long as it works. we shuffle our feet when we're tired, we get distracted when we're cleaning. it was refreshing to work along side someone i'm so similar to. i'm glad brendan wasn't there, many of the things we did would've really bothered him - specifically when we unpacked the new wall cabinet, dove right in, ripping the box, tearing thru the styrofoam, making a mess. that would have made him nuts!! i had a lovely time. mid-saturday i was feeling kind of hungry so i asked for a snack. we sat at his little table eating crackers, cheese and olives. he was so thrilled to find another family member who likes olives. it was fun.

on sunday i was so sore from all the crouching and the scrubbing. i'm still a little stiff.

b and i (unexpectedly) made significant progress on our thank you cards. those cards have been a MAJOR thorn in my side. a weight on my conscious. the meer thought of them stresses me out. i'm EXTREMELY relieved that we're making our way thru them. it was actually a lot less difficult than i've been expecting. now to deliver them.

the poor mojomobile has a busted muffler again. we were going to put off fixing it, except my "check engine" light came on today, which implies something serious. i've made arrangements to be picked up tomorrow by a work-mate, so a mechanic can steal our money. we had TWO muffler repairs in september. it should've been fixed right in the first place. at least the second repair was free.

i watched my second superbowl last night. i felt extra invested because pittsbugh is the only city i have personal connection to - or rather a profession connection to, but it's personal nonetheless. i've been there, i know people there, i know people there who care about football. nancy cooked an awesome feast for us. b and i ate next to nothing all day in preparation. the lorimer-mclean-hamilton-aubin-gileo family are the most music knowledgable group of folks i know, so it's needless to say that the half-time show was extremely painful for them.

what's wrong with the world mama?

chestnut

my dad is moving into a bigger apartment in his building. so i went to his place last night to help him move. his new place is really nice, i like it a lot. there's still quite a bit to be done. he's a bit of a pack-rat. a major p (myers-briggs: perceiving). his friend e-anne and i were trying to convince him to throw stuff out or take it to the sally ann.

abandoned on the floor of his old place was this massive bible. it's huge. i asked him about it, and he told me that his brother bill gave it to him, and he doesn't know why. "it's not a family heirloom or anything" so he didn't want it. i knew that we didn't need a huge bible like that, but it was the sort of thing i could see brendan being very excited about, so i said i'd take it. when i got home, i got out my weigh scales and discovered it weighs exactly 10lbs. it's huge. there's all these printed pages placed in the front. someone, maybe my uncle, maybe someone else, did some research online and discovered that it's from 1870. i left the huge bible in a conspicuous place where brendan would see it immediately upon arriving home. he was indeed excited. we looked thru it together and found an inscription that said "robert sloan, 1890". when i saw that it finally made sense, i don't really understand how my dad missed it! sloan was my grandma's maiden name. in another place it has written "to harold..." - my grandma's brother! my goodness the stories i've heard about uncle harold :p i think he was a funeral director. i kind of don't want to tell my dad in case he wants it back :p it's a huge bible, at least 6 inches thick, and includes the apocrypha and other things. on the last page we discovered old family photos! really old. only 2 of them have names and dates, but the rest are anonymous. there was one little baby who brendan thought looked like me. i couldn't disagree, it did look a little like baby lesley. what a neat find!

my pants are too big :S that's a good thing, don't get me wrong. but i just bought these in december, and now i need new ones again. at least i only spent $12.99 on them.

each morning i really look forward to my lunch. i've really been enjoying my salads.

you sort out the recycling,
it's not part of the foreplay process,
but it's still very important.

grass

the drive into work this morning was lovely. indeed a winter wonderland. the snow shimmered on the mounds and fields. i drove behind this really terrible driver. it was pretty funny. clearly they were not from kingston, because the drove on the soft-shoulder on taylor-kidd instead of on the road. the snow plow had cleared the shoulder, and it seems the driver thought it was a lane. so there were 3 of us driving on the road, and one car driving on the curb.

well, this is week two of b working full time and nights, and so far it's working out pretty well. he's more tired this week than last, but other than that it's good. my separation anxiety seems to be improving. perhaps it was that i was rarely alone anymore that it felt weird, and so now that i'm getting used to it again i'm more comfortable.

i've developed a dislike for sarcasm - a sensitivity to the sting of a bitter jibe. if the person is clearly joking or counters the comment immediately i'm totally ok with it, because i do have a sense of humour. but in general i find sarcasm just mean-spirited, and don't like it. it hurts my feelings, and i can't understand why someone would purposely be hurtful. a lot of people hide behind the guise of sarcasm, but it doesn't make their cruelty ok. they joke but they actually mean what they say. i find it especially hard to swallow when i'm saying something serious or important to me, and i get interrupted with petty comments. i guess i just feel that at 31, i don't appreciate bullying, and see it as such. it seems low-brow and unclever. if the person had to be clever and funny that would be much harder. teasing is different. i like teasing, teasing i can handle, and think it's fun :)

still the searcher must ride the dark horse.

unknown

my goodness, i'm happy :)

i got to work from home today because of the weather. i realize it didn't turn out to be the big blizzard they were calling for. but when you work out in millhaven, even regular snow storms are hard to drive thru.

so i played it safe and had an uber productive day around the pad-office. i even started early! i got up, ate my breakfast, heard news reports to stay at home unless you have to, then hopped on my computer to let my boss and colleagues know my plan. and i've been working ever since! i haven't even gotten out of my pajamas! the downside was that i was working on the computer with the light on in our bedroom while brendan was trying to sleep. so i lent him my eye-mask to block out the light and he slept no problem. it was kind of cute actually. in a way i feel i was more productive than usual. when i'm at work i want the world outside my cubicle, but working from home gave me the outside world so i was happy to just plug along on work stuff :) i probably wouldn't like working from home every day, but having some variety would be nice.

i'm feeling better, less overwhelmed and/or socially congested than i was yesterday. i'm taking steps to limit my relationships, even if just little steps... like declining hangout invitations because i know i can't invest in a new (or in some cases old) friendship. it's not really fair to anyone. so this is good. i'm not subject to external demands, i can navigate relationships myself. which is a relief.

josh, garry and i planned the next AGM last night. i'm kind of looking forward to it - we're playing a next version of what time is it mister wolf. i suggested that whoever garry catches becomes the new board members, and the first person he catches will be the new treasurer :p but we probably can't do that :S tonight is my last board meeting. 3 years has flown by. seriously. it's hard to believe my tenure is over. thinking back to my first board meeting i had no idea where my life was taking me or what might have changed by the time i was done. i have to admit, very little has changed, and yet a lot at the same time.

i didn't listen to any music at all today. it feels like it's been opposite day or something. i'm gonna go get dressed now, the work day is done :D

the twists and turns of plots that turned us from friends to lovers.

hotline

when i lived in toronto, i sat in traffic congestion regularly. on occassion i'd be stuck on the 401 for a chunk of time. after a while i concluded that if everyone just drove faster we could all move along at a good pace. but eventually i realized that it wasn't the speed, but instead the volume. there were too many cars on the road, and it resulted in gridlock.

i'm feeling socially gridlocked. after spending some time trying to figure out my week, when i'm available and when i'm not, i've started to feel very overwhelmed. i got thinking about those cars in TO that fill the streets to the point of standstill, and finally admitted what the problem is. i have too many friends. i'm not ungrateful. i'm extremely fortunate and blessed to have my life full of fantastic people. people i really connect with and enjoy. but that does not change the reality that i have more relationships than i'm capable of juggling.

out of curiousity i did a search online to see what's a reasonable number of friends, and found a very interesting article. it said the ideal number of close friends (inner core) is 5, with about 10 more acquaintences on top of that. at first i thought i was on par. i used to have 5 in my inner circle. but upon recount i have 8 or 9, and then other friends on top of that, and regular acquaintences too. no wonder i feel overwhelmed. i'm not saying i want to cut out some of my friendships. not at all. i guess i'm just saying that i don't really know what to do. for a while now i've thought that it's because i work a 40 hour week that i'm short on time, but really it's that i have too much on the go. too many cars on the road.

i think it's in my best interest and in the best interest of the people around me that i invest more in fewer people, instead of invest less in more people.

i'm finding myself craving a clean slate. something similar to my christmas vacation when i have no commitments and no appointments. in two weeks i will be officially finished on the next church board. after that i may take a month off from everything (save living room because i lead that and can't skip out).

i'm sorry if i've been less available. it's not actually because of brendan or my change from single to relationship. but rather that my life has become overly saturated and it's more than i can handle. i'm too introverted for my environment and can't rise to the challenge. it's really not anyone's fault (in case you were wondering if you were part of the problem), except maybe mine or my blog. *sigh*

i feel so ridiculous. there are a lot of people in the world who are lonely and in want of a good friend. and here i am expressing that i have an over-abundance. i have both quality and quantity. i am a very lucky person, i don't deny that.

well i don't know where this leave me, other than trying to see the forest for the trees.

 

it don't matter to me,
as long as we can live in harmony.

wool

i started watching the cult classic freaks and geeks last night. i remember when it first came out but didn't ever catch it. i've always wondered how they could feature two people groups as they do. i'm not in love with it, but it's ok. it's something to watch while i eat dinner and after dinner when i'm knitting.

today is the alzhiemer's break fundraiser at work. people bake then leave their baked goods at the coffee station and consumers donate in return. i'm going to exercise some self-control today. i realize that it's easier to diet when you don't deprive yourself, but i honestly don't want any baked goods today. that being said i'm in danger of caving if i make eye contact. i may try to avoid the coffee station all day. i've lost yet another pound. which means i lost 5 pounds in one month :) yay! making progress FINALLY!

sometimes when i get a lot of sleep i end up feeling more sleepy and lethargic. it's hard to know if i'm sleeply because i'm sleep deprived or if my body has mistaken my weekend sleep-in as hibernation.

i wish my cubicle neighbours would learn to keep their thoughts inside their heads. i really don't need to hear about her sinus headache. if you're going to talk to yourself, then please whisper.

i'm pretty happy it's february. there's a long weekend this month and we're going to go visit beck in q-city. and one winter month is now behind us. AND it means that we're going to ireland NEXT MONTH!! my new passport arrived in the mail on friday. which means i'm now internationally lorimer. i like my new passport photo, although i felt a bit weird after brendan looked at it and said "don't worry les, everyone has a bad passport photo at some point". i felt weird about that because i DIDN'T think it was a bad photo :S i don't look noticablly 5 years older than the last one. mostly my hair is different and my skin looks softer. i got carded at the mansion on saturday night and i didn't have my id with me. i was pretty pissed because i didn't want to have to walk home and get it so i told the guy "i don't have it with me, but i'm seriously 31". he didn't bother me after that. brendan said "only a 31 year old would say that".

 

i'm so lost,
and i live just around the corner.