gelato

brendan quit his job today. or at least handed in his two weeks notice. wow. it's hard to believe the end is arriving.

it's funny how we climatize to our environment. back in may or june i was so excited to have taken the big comforter off our bed because it is summer. but for the last few nights we've gone back to our winter duvet. it's just so comfy.

for jo's shower tonight i bought her condoms from the dollar store. this is hilarious to me. i should probably include a cautionary note on them. also at the dollar store i got her a pregnancy test and an ovulation cycle tester. all things i didn't know could be purchased at dollarama.

i'm pretty excited about this coming saturday. it's wolfe island music festival. not only does it have a super stellar line-up, shanno and i are vendors! we're selling la tienda merch. i think it's going to be a real hit and we'll easily sell out. it's the right venue, right price, and right merch. i'm very excited about this. i feel like i'm introducing two great friends who will click instantly - women's art coop... meet music fest goers. music fest goers... meet la tienda. i'm yenta and it's a perfect match!

 

my mid-year resolution seems to be turning me into someone who is tidy.

 

i slept through july.

marble

i first met beckie in 2005. she'd just returned from living in northern quebec. she lived in kingston for one year, then returned to the north - this time baffin island. we haven't lived in the same city for 5 years, and even when we did it was just a short time. and yet, we've maintained our friendship, enjoying visits and trips, festivals and overnights. on saturday i visited her at her cottage. it was perhaps the first time we've spent together just the two of us in a long time, and it was really great to have that time together. she's a very low maintenance friend, we don't really have to do anything. we mostly sat around chatting, went swimming, ate some food. we have our share of differences, but accept those differences pretty easily. i drove home at dusk, driving winding country roads, listening to the same album as i always do when i return from visits to her cottage. it was a great drive, the great end of a great day.

she gave me verbal instructions on how to make iced tea. so sunday was filled with drinking homemade iced tea while i scrubbed the pad with baking soda, listening to a classic futuristic dystopic novel. i scrubbed and scrubbed parts of our kitchen i thought were beyond help. i rearranged the photos on our refrigerator. it was an incredibly relaxing day, and i felt very content.

it turns out the iced tea was not decaffinated as i thought it was. i didn't realize this until 2 am last night while i lied in bed feeling not an ounce of tired. i'll have to start making it with decaf because i really really like it. it's very subtle.

holidays are the only days i have to share with brendan since our schedules are not complimentary and we don't share days off. i wanted to do something special, to make use of the occassion so i surprised him by taking him to the aquatic golf range in collins bay. he was quite delighted by the surprised. i'm not much of a golfer but i find whacking the golf balls very fun. i prefer the golf range to regular golf. b feels i have potential as a golfer since i have a decent swing. we're planning on going more often since we both like going and it's not very expensive. i tend to get blisters on my hands from the club, so i may need to invest in a golfing glove.

now that it's august, life is suddenly full of anticipation. wolfe island music festival this saturday. joanne's bridal shower this wednesday, meg's baby shower on sunday, brendan quitting his job, our week of vacation, our niece being born, b getting his wisdom teeth out. full full full. much to look forward to.

 

when you walk, you move like moses.

thunder

the tree of life is probably one of the most confusing films i've ever seen. i can honestly say it was the equivient to watching a foreign film without subtitles. that's as much of the story that i was able to decipher. all that being said, it spurred a lot of discussion between b and myself on the way home.

i've taken to watching a lot of 'how i met your mother' online lately. in fact, i've taken to staying up to watch it after brendan goes to bed. this makes him grumpy. but that does not diswade me.

after a year of feeling uncomfortable in my body, and a year of my clothes not fitting as they are intended to.... i've emerged from that phase feeling more than comfortable - pleased even. what a relief. i'm not quite "there" yet. my BMI calculation still says i'm A LITTLE overweight, but i don't feel overweight though, and i feel that's more important. it's been a neat process. watching my clothes go from tight to loose. in the last 9 months i've learned a lot about food, and intake, and balance. i've learned to avoid foods that have little to no nutritional value, and a sometimes simply consume less. i think i've been changed by this experience, and as a result feel confident that i will be able to avoid weight gain in the future. that's a relief :)

i read a quote in my book the other day that really struck me... "poshlust is not only the obviously trashy, but mainly the falsely important, the falsely beautiful, the falsely clever, the falsely attractive". it made me feel concerned that we live in a world that can no longer decipher the difference between what is false and what is actual. we've accepted the artificial for so long that it's accepted as the norm. i think we're selling ourselves short.

 

day two of my morning chore routine is going very well. i even went on to do the dishes too! yay for mid-year resolutions!

this rubbermaid's had better days.

victorian

my mom spent her teen years living on the coast of england. i literary mean ON THE COAST, the sea was right across the street from her home. her parents owned and operated hotel there. i've written about this before actually. one of my earliest entries: harry potter and the sexual innuendos. what a fine blog post title, if i may say so myself :p anyways, she was an unpaid maid in her own home/hotel. and as a result is very very conditioned when it comes to housework.

(allow me put this thought on the back-burner one moment.)

so as i'm trying to do small steps towards tidy living, in order to avoid chaos, i came up with great idea.

(original thought back on front burner).

due to my mom's deeply ingrained housekeeping lifestyle, she cleans the bathroom each morning - or at least the sink. so i paired that with my small tasks idea and have decided to make cleaning one item in the bathroom as part of my morning routine. this way it's just one small thing at a time, and its done and out of the way by 7 am. this morning i scrubbed the tub. i felt very satisfied, and even now as i sit thinking about scrubbing the tub before leaving the house, i feel a great sense of satisfaction. i hope i'm able to keep this up. some days will be easier than others, for example tomorrow i just have to wipe down the mirror. easy!

beckie is back in english-speaking canada for the next couple of weeks. she joined us for dinner last night, then we went out to browse thru english books at indigo. i like her. life just feels best when she's around. as we drove home i felt super content. i like that i feel completely comfortable speaking and being silent with her. i'm very grateful that she and brendan get along well. saturday i'm going to drive up to her cottage for a day of country life. we'll probably read books separately on the dock or go canoeing or play board games. lovely.

 

she feels uncomfortable in the clothing of her ancestors.

doily

after a year on the bench, i was called back in to donate blood. our trip to the south pacific disqualified me for one year, but now i'm back on track. in the past the nurses have had difficulty finding my veins. my mom has that problem too, and nurses often have to resort to taking blood out of the back of her hand instead. the nurse yesterday told me that my veins are very small and the needle is very big. in fact, the needle is the same size of my veins, which makes it very difficult. that being said, they did find one that worked well and managed to get a complete pint of my body. one time they were only able to fill half a pint. my lean and handsome 'band has the most beautiful veins i've ever seen. they expose themselves, raised on his arms and hands like lines on a map. no doubt he could give blood very easily, but has not, as of yet, developed the proverbial thick-skin to stomach even the thought of such a procedure. in the meantime i will enjoy all the juice and cookies i want. apparently i'm the brave lorimer with my tiny veins and low iron :p

being at the clinic reminded me of all the things i look forward to doing some day when i'm retired. maybe if i'm lucky before then. i'd totally volunteer at the blood clinic. i feel that it's a good sign that my life is at a good pace when new activities appeal to me. that i have the energy to take on projects and enterprises.

i picked up a copy of reading lolita in tehran at value village the other day. ferrence suggested it to me years ago, so i thought i'd give it a whirl. within the first chapter i was hooked. it's so beautifully written. so wonderfully engaging. it is a nice change from the tragic and impersonal great gatsby. i didn't mind the great gatsby. it just seems incomplete. like entire sentences were missing. characters would arrive and depart without mention. significant plot happenings would take place without my notice because they were subtly suggested rather than out rightly stated. i was reading about it on wikipedia after, and finally pieced together what exactly happened at the end. it wasn't a bad book. i'm definitely glad i read it, just very vague.

you know what's amazing? the thesaurus. frig... it's partly cool just because it sounds like the name of a smart dinosaur. but mostly it's simply cool because it essentially defines a word using one single other word. i write a lot for work these days. newsletters and brochures. i really love it - writing for work that is - and find myself referring to the thesaurus constantly. oh thesaurus, you are one fine device.

after hearing in detail the story behind the guess who song "american woman" i was a little startled at how little has changed in 30+ years.

 

i don't need your war machines,
i don't need your ghetto scenes.

muskoka

at the grocery store i've taken to scoping out abandoned grocery carts for quarters. then i return them properly and reap the rewards.

it seems that i'm in a new phase of life. not because i'm married, but because i'm 31 and life has stablized. in my mid-twenties life was much more transient. because of this, i was constantly on the brink of many things, including many new friendships. as the years have gone by i've matured into lasting friendships and now seem to be past the phase of making new pals (or at least many in a short period of time). i'm very happy with my friendships, they are rich and meaningful. and i would not trade this phase to go back to the beginning. i suppose in many ways friendships are like romantic relationship. the way they change and grow. they are novel and exciting at the beginning, then mature into something beautiful and deep. this phase in life is new to me, and the part of me that is used to constant change is feeling displaced and a little bit lost. i'm not accustomed to maturing in my home, job, friendships; so i feel a little out of my element. part of me feels no longer novel and truth be told i feel a little bit threatened by those who are. i'm not proud of that, but it's my instinctive response. i suppose i'm still immature in my maturity. i'm not quite ready to be arrived yet, in many ways i feel like i'm still just arriving - or at least feel like i should still be arriving. i've lived in the maxipad for 5 years already. it simultaneously feels like home and like recent a new discovery.

b and i watched the godfather part 2 last night. when we first started dating he was shocked that i haven't seen the godfather or the rocky. i like it when i go to classic video and for our 3 for 5 bux deal select 3 completely different films. this time it was... walk on water (a hebrew/german film), the godfather part 2, and anchorman :D

do you remember the time when i shared about the cool crowd at work and me feeling ostrosized by them? oddly enough, pretty much every since i wrote that entry things have been getting progressively better. they even make small talk with me. one girl asked about my weekend! that was nice, i appreciated that. i've kind of concluded that (some of them) are more afraid of me than i am of them. they don't quite understand me (someone who prefers spending time alone at lunch, is not trendy and doesn't share their collective hair-style) and as a result they don't really know how to interact with me. one by one they're figuring out that i'm just a regular person. that's nice. i'm glad things are getting better.

 

let the silence settle in our bones.

quarters

rumour has it that knickers eloped. this has yet to be confirmed. regardless i'm rather amused by this news.

the freedom sale at next turned in to a great opportunity to chat and get to know people better. sales were a bit slow, which allowed for ample time to visit. i left feeling like i knew a handful of people much better. it was a great day to be outdoors and left me feeling fully satisfied with my use of a summer day. i snagged a number of handy things at the sale, plus a few fixer-up-ers that are coming together really nicely after a few coats of paint and some T.L.C. i sat out on the balcony painting and listening to my audio book, growing increasingly frustrated with the motorbike festival taking place across the street. at one point they seriously had a "revve your engines" competition that was so loud i couldn't hear the sound of the book reading right beside me. on the whole, the patience of the neighbourhood was greatly tried over the full week of bikefest. ugh.

shanno and i ventured over to the new leo lefleur waterpark yesterday. it was super fun! the water was a little chilly at first, but it was nice once we got used to it. we were there for a full 2 hours :D the lazy river (which wasn't particularly lazy, so when i told brendan about it later he said "sounds more like a lazy rapid") was really fun, it was so crazy and a little confusing! i also went down the big big slide! it was a little bit scary because i was waiting to hold my breath for the water at the bottom but had no way of guessing how close i was to the bottom. it reminded me of luge.

my trip to berlin has been pushed back by approximately 2 weeks to accommodate another (more important) meeting taking place the week we were supposed to be there. these new dates fall in mid-december and mean that i'll be in berlin on my 32nd birthday. that will be neat, and very memorable!

you may or may not recall that i've been taking a sales marketing writing course by correspondence. it's gone very well and i've enjoyed it a great deal. while i've always enjoyed writing and obviously feel a compulsion to write frequently, i didn't realize how much i would love writing professionally. i'm starting to wonder if i find it more satisfying that graphic design. it's hard to say because it's something new, meanwhile i've been designing for 10 years. anyways, i got my final mark today... 95% to be fair, it was an easy course. however i don't want to downplay my own success, so i'm pleased. i did very well :D

brendan helped me take my stitches out last night. in fact, he took them out while i squirmed and whined. it was creepy and gross. my toe seems to be healing well, it had got to the point the any remaining discomfort was the result of the stitches and not from the cut itself. i can walk normally again, which is great :)

all of these words whispered in my ear.

fake meat

you know the adage of "be yourself"? it's a positive message and one that is very affirming. however, i'm beginning to wonder if it's a flawed mantra. let me explain...

i can think of a handful of movies, perhaps even more, that tell the tale of an uptight woman who learns to cut-loose and enjoy life. i wonder sometimes if 'who we are' can actually box us in and make us unintentionally miserable. the control-freak who is in bondage to her own order and routine. the pack-rat who is bound by his own clutter and chaos. i guess we're all in some ways our own worst enemy. it makes me think again of moderation. everything in moderation.

one of my favourite things about the new year is that january provides a fresh start. an opportunity to channel my efforts in one area that needs change. this year i planned to learn to eat smaller portions, and i have. now it's july and i thought "why not create a mid-year resolution?" it would help me take another bite out of the horse of life. i've decided to take little mini steps towards undoing my own chaos. brendan tells me that there's no such thing as a kind of tidy. you are either tidy or you're not. you put things away or you don't. but i beg to differ. i can put SOME things away and leave others misplaced. if i try to eat the horse in one big gulp i will choak. SO my first plan is that i will change the toilet paper roll immediately instead of placing a new roll on top of the old roll. AND (??), AND (!?!) i will try to put my clothes in the drawers. but that's a big 'AND'. maybe i should start by putting just my shirts in the drawers or something. then when i conquer that i'll move onto pants. when i fall off the wagon with these types of things i REALLY fall off the wagon, so i don't want to push myself too close to the edge.

andrew and shannon invited us to the house that they're sitting last night for a bbq and bonfire. we made delicious smores and watched the flames under cover of night. i liked that when it was time to go andrew used the garden hose to put out the fire :D we're going camping in one month tomorrow, and i can't wait!!

 

shake your hips move your feet.

kickstand

ok... exciting news!!! i'm going to berlin this november on business. now, in the past i've been invited to berlin about 3 different times (our headquarters is there), but knickers would never let me go. BUT emma is the exact opposite. she said that marilyn and i must attend the meeting or the rest of our team won't go either :) so we're all going - yay! we'll be there for the whole work week and will travel on the sunday and return on the saturday. marilyn and i may extend our trip a few days on our own dollar so we can do some fun touristy stuff. wow, this is going to be so rad. we'll get to travel business class and have our expenses paid :D i haven't travelled on business since 2008, so this will be a nice change. i'm quite delighted that i'll be going overseas again this year :D it will be something fun to look forward to in november.

all that being said... i will miss my b - we've spent one single night apart since we were wed. and i hope he won't be too lonesome in my absence. last time i was away for a week (trip to cuba) he was pretty miserable. BUT he'll be in the thick of school by then and will be quite occupied. plus, we've been together longer and spending time apart may be more comfortable by then.

we saw deathly hallows part 2 last night. it was great. but man oh man... was it stressful! i'd have to say i was stressed out for about the second half of the film. i'm toying with the idea of re-reading the books. they are so clever and complex, and yet entertaining and fun. my only reluctance is that it's a big commitment, and i'd want to read it in order. beckie has always been able to pick up any of the books and start reading, but i don't want to miss anything so i'd need to start at the beginning.

i got 1984 on audio book yesterday. i'm quite pleased. i'm really enjoying audio books. especially when its a book i'd never read in real life.

our cats have fleas :S i found one this morning. they're indoor cats so they shouldn't get fleas! except they go on the balcony, and i suppose fleas get around. ugh. i'll have to pick up some anti-flea stuff asap.

my toe is on the mend. i'm still limping but i think that's more to do with the fact that i usually need to crack the toes on my left foot every morning to pop them back into their joints, and i haven't been able to do that.

 

let it sunshine on my mind.

thrive

i passed a fiat on the way into work today. it was from new york state. this made me happy. i like the idea of fiat entering the N.A. market.

adaptability didn't used to appear on my radar but it's starting to grab my attention. it seems to me that cultural and personal adaptability is an important part for growth. to not only learn to do things differently, but to see the value in changing with one's environment. being unwilling or unable to adapt can be dangerous and detrimental. i know i'm not the quickiest adapter, it takes time but i get there. like with most things, i'm a bit of a late bloomer. i bloom at my own pace but get there eventually. i dunno. i feel these things are particularly pivotal in issues like politics and religion. when people don't change with and adapt with new information and new eras they're just asking for trouble. begging for it. because new expressions and perspectives grow and swell under pressure and will eventually explode under a glass ceiling of oppression.

she might break eventually. she's not an adapter and is trying really hard to fit everything in the comfortable box of status quo.

world view is a big factor in things like adaptability and acceptance. i just finished reading (aka listening to) a thousand splendid suns. it was shocking. it was honestly jaw-dropping. the oppression was unreal and illogical. as i think about it i feel slightly suffocated, it's enraging. i'm super grateful that i live in a place where, as a woman, i have the freedom to walk down the street without a male relative, have a job, and access medical attention.

 

you slept in your overalls.

lapidary

last night was stinking hot. the heat kept building pressure then finally errupted into a massive thunderstorm. while i get that sleeping in excessive heat is unpleasant, i can't help but really enjoy it. there's something special about coping with extreme heat (or extreme cold); i like that it makes opportunities to create memories - "remember the time we slept head-to-toe in the bed because i found it easier to sleep closer to the fan?" i remember sleeping on the floor of our hallway when i was a kid because we had one big square fan to blow into all three rooms. i remember in my first apartment i had to shower twice a day to keep cool and i tacked a towel over the door into the corridor so that i could get a cross-breeze. i don't remember moderate weather. i remember nights that are so hot that i don't need any covers and i lay splayed out on the bed. these are my favourite nights. this is in part why i love summer so much. it's not so much about comfort, its about doing things outside the norm in order to find comfort. running thru the sprinklers at the water park. wearing unusually revealing clothing - if any at all! doing nothing all day but lie on the balcony listening to an audio book along side the kitties.

yesterday i glanced over at honey. she was lying on her favourite chair with this look of complete and utter contentedness. it made me happy. in the winter she often whines and scratches at the patio door pleading to be let outside. sometimes, to prove a point, we open the door and let her experience the cold and the blowing snow. she then looks crestfallen and whines some more. when i saw her face yesterday i knew that... right there, her lying in the sun with the summer breeze blowing over her... THAT was exactly what she longs for.

i know that summer is not everyone's favourite season. which is fine, to each their own. but it's mine.we are in the deep and thick of the season i love. i am most at peace in the summer. in a season like this it's almost impossible to feel anything other than everything is going to be ok.

 

barefoot on a summer night.

jugglers

last night we were supposed to go for a walk, but we left it too late and i was tired so b went on his own. he likes walking, it makes him feel grounded and revived. i like that about him. while he was out i thought i'd help myself to a bowl of sherbet. as i closed the refrigerator behind me a glass pitcher fell from the top of the fridge, hit the counter then fell to land on my foot and shatter. the pain was unbelievable. similar to an extremely stubbed toe. i wondered if the toes were broken. i tried to be brave and not freak out so i went into the living room to sit down. as i tried to calm down i noticed it was bleeding and dripping onto the carpet. i was so sad that brendan was not home, both to help me but also because i knew he would be upset that he wasn't there when i was hurt. i hobbled into the bedroom and updated my facebook status to "Lesley McKnight Lorimer is bleeding all over but brendan is out for a walk and can't help me. a glass pitcher fell of my foot." when i was finished typing i discovered a large puddle on the carpet so i called my mom. she encouraged me to get a cloth to stop the bleeding, and offered to come help me. but she lives in amherstview and b would probably be home before she arrived. i decided to try calling bren. but it was late and i got the answering machine. once i hung-up from her the phone rang and it was meg offering to come over. she and ben arrived and set to work dressing my cut and sweeping up the glass. i wanted to wait for brendan before we went to the hospital. i didn't want him to arrive home to broken glass and piles of blood, but meg managed to convince me it was time to go. we drove down albert street since i know that's the route he always takes to come home, and sure enough we bumped into him a block from our house. he was confused and didn't realize i was with them. he was just waving friendly and asking how they were doing. finally he clued in and we managed to coax him into the van so we could get to the KGH.

the wait in emerge wasn't too bad. we had a few giggles because meg is 8 mos pregnant and people thought she was in labour. i was feeling ok but was worried that i was wasting everyone's time. maybe it wasn't serious. maybe it was and i'd need stitches – also not an appealing option. i've had stitches twice before – in the same spot, on my face, between my eyes – but can't remember it since i was just a toddler. so stitches were essentially new to me. the doctor was very kind and very impressed with meg's bandaging. she confirmed my toes were not broken but that i would lose the nail. b guessed i'd need two stitches and in the end she gave me 4 – including one thru my toenail. the needles for freezing was the worst part. but i quite liked the feeling of a frozen toe. it was still frozen when i woke up today :)

we were home by 12:00. it worked out well that it didn't take too long so that ben + meg could just give us a lift home. i was super thankful that they were able to come and help out. meg is a great caretaker, ben was a great human crutch, and b was very supportive and told me i was brave.

i went to work today because i needed to do a presentation to the sales team. i couldn't drive because i can't press down hard on the clutch. brendan gave me a drive then went to work himself. by lunch i was feeling some discomfort and had regained the feeling in my foot. i suspected my toe was bleeding again but wasn't sure since the doctor told me to wear socks and shoes. so i thought i'd just check on how it was doing. i found it was in fact bleeding again and had bled thru the bandage and into my sock. my colleague told me that it was probably bleeding because it wasn't elevated. so i got a drive home with someone and have been lying down for most of the rest of the day. except for when we went out for indian food (yum).

well. it was quite the experience :p i have to take out the stitches in a week to 10 days. good thing i'm not going to the beach this weekend after all! i'm glad i went to work even if i didn't stay the whole day. the presentation went well. i was told that i spoke very authoritatively. which is good – i wanted to gain their respect. i'm not the 23 year old that i was when i first started working there. i have a lot to offer and i wanted them to understand that. all in all it wasn't a half bad day, especially the part when i got to lie on the grass under a tree :)

you were bleeding all over the place and i rushed you off to the hospital.

old-fashioned

there was a time when i felt that my life was boring and frustratingly redundant. i don't feel that way anymore. at lunch i was sitting on a grassy nole reading the great gatsby, feeling incredibly content. life is slowing down. i have fewer commitments and less activities. i'm not rushed and i'm not overwhelmed. i spend time knitting, reading, watching tv online, and am quite satisfied with this low-fi life. i like it a great deal.

having once been a stupid 20-something, i have little patience for young stupidity. i wonder why it's so hard for some people, in some situations to make good decisions. why was it hard for me i wonder. is self-destruction like a drug or is it more like a spiral staircase? either way it seems to begat more bad choices. watching and/or being affected by a domino affect of bad decisions is painful for me. in my 30s i'm drawn to health and wellness. and as a result to people who thrive and flourish. who have stories of adventure and overcoming. life doesn't have to be constantly difficult. toxicity is so done. give me redemption and peace of mind + heart any day.

it's official, it's mid-july and all the herbs in my garden are dead. yup... right on time.

to my surprise i may be turning into a foody. i didn't think that was possible. i figured people were either foodies or they weren't. i'm sure many factors are playing off each other to create this new interest in cooking and tastiness. whatever the reasons, it seems the right mix have come together to create yet another surprise. getting older is amazing, there's so much to learn and explore.

 

you sleepwalk through the rooms where you grew up.

thrifty

it's interesting how people change. over a few decades we can experience, understand and live out life in a variety of ways. i remember bren telling me once (perhaps twice even) of a conversation she had with a group of women about things they used to believe and now don't. very interesting. i'm really thankful for the ability to adapt. the fact that we change and grow is really important. we develop more informed perspectives, we become more gracious with ourselves and others.

things i used to believe:
- dr seuss was evil
- facebook was lame
- dating younger guys was desperate
- christian faith was about some day leaving earth
- argentina was an american state and that aspen was in europe
- marriage is only between a man and a woman
- collins bay penn was disneyland
- someday i'd go to space as an astronaut
- women got pregnant by sleeping in the same bed as a man
- spaghetti sauce only came in jars from the store and couldn't be homemade
- i was born in an elevator

a couple years ago my colleague michel referred to me as granola. i thought that was interesting but wasn't convinced that label particularly fit well, but i'm finding that it's growing to be increasingly true. maybe he saw something i didn't. i like that which is simple and uncomplicated. things that are neccessary vs things that are unneccessary. i have no desire for that which is unneccessarily artificial. some artifical things are necessary: like heating in winter, refrigerators, toilets, eye glasses. these things are very helpful. but i'm growing discontent with the unneccessary garbage that is pushed at us to consume: fast food/junk food, box-stores and over-priced merch, ipads, teeth-whiteners.

i know several people who don't like to be labelled. i don't mind labels if i feel they either fit me or parallel with the direction i'm moving in. i feel that labels can be very helpful in being more understood. if one word can summaries me well then that i'm ok with that. as i considered the granola label i looked one up online and found this:

granola
An adjective used to describe people who are environmentally aware, open-minded, left-winged, socially aware and active, queer or queer-positive, anti-oppressive/discriminatory (racial, sexual, gender, class, age, etc.) with an organic and natural emphasis on living, who will usually refrain from consuming or using anything containing animals and animal by-products (for health and/or environmental reasons), as well as limit consumption of what he or she does consume, as granola people are usually concerned about wasting resources. Usually buy only fair-trade goods and refrain from buying from large corporations, as most exploit the environment as well as their workers, which goes against granola core values.

this fits quite well indeed! i'm comfortable with that label. the few things that don't quite fit i feel it's fairly safe to assume they will eventually as i continue to grow and become mindful about my consumption. there's part of me who feels that by saying this, by parking myself in one specific camp, i'm opening myself up to cricitism - "but les, what about your 'suv'? what about your large carbon footprint caused by trips abroad?" haha. that's funny. come on, nobody's perfect... nor is my granola living. i guess it's important to recognize that this is how us lorimers are growing, and i don't really expect everyone to be drawn to simplicity. i'm really happy about these changes in me.

 

we want to feel ya!
we don't mean to kill ya!
we come back to heal ya!

superfluous

i've been second guessing myself a lot day and feeling kind of stupid in the process. i've had to change my self-talk in order shake the icky feeling of it. i haven't been able to shake it completely but i'm making progress.

when tim and tracy had their baby micah, i remember tim telling me and shanno how he taught mialana in advance to be gentle with the new baby. he said whenever she was close to his (tim's) face he would tell her "gentle, gentle" and she'd softly pat his cheek or ear. i found this very clever and i liked that it in itself was a very gentle way to correct behaviour. sometimes i get loud and worked up about stuff. brendan has taken to comparing me to a peanuts character who flings its arms in the air and yells "argh!". after talking with tim and considering his gentle adjustment to mialana's behaviour i suggested it to brendan. when i'm loud or excited or worked up or overwhelming, he simply says "gentle... gentle" and almost instantly i calm down and speak at a normal level. i have to admit, i'm rather amazed by this. for the majority of my life i've had mom family telling me that i'm too loud. i think it works because i want to get my point across and i know that if i don't change gears my message is going to get lost or ignored. it's completely sincere too. the funny thing is that it worked from the first moment he tried it and wasn't something i had to slowly condition myself to.

 

i like to cut my sandwiches into two halves. it makes me feel like i'm eating more than i actually am. it's a simple way to make me gleeful.

 

we're free to fly the crimson sky.

metallurgical

this morning an old man with a hat on merged into my lane and forced me off the road. i've heard before that statistically that old men with hats on are the most dangerous on the road. i dumbfounded by this interchange that i mostly just watched with my jaw dropped then managed to get my wits about me enough to honk at him. unfortunately it came out as a friendily "toot toot" and not as hey watch it "HONK". i kind of felt embarrassed for him. i know he didn't mean to.

after hearing about a very angry and uninformed anti-midwife rant, i got thinking... what IS an opinion? is an opinion a conclusion drawn to thru thorough investigation? is it a biased belief based on one-sided information? is it a world view, is it something taught to us? when people have really strong, passionate and angry opinions (about anything) i don't wish to change their minds, but if i could i would change how they came to those opinions so their views could be well informed. at the very least i wish people could be fair and honest about how they came to their opinions. i wish they'd say "i'm afraid of the unknown", "I feel threatened by strength and abilities, and that authority in my favour is being questioned", "that is inconvenient to my agenda and my world view". i remember once bren telling me that "why?" is a dangerous question. that people get their backs up and it causes defensiveness. she suggested "how?" as an alternative. hm. i get that, but i really want to ask people why. i guess i could say "why do you feel that way?" it creates some accountability and in some ways is even neutralizing. belief is always the root of opinion. i believe X so i'm stating or living Y. by asking why or how, i hope to uncover what's at the core. at least that way we may discover commonality or simply expose the simple bare bones rather than inflated emotion. yup, i think this is a stellar idea, just remembering to do it will be the tricky part.

gonna blow right through you like a breeze.

electrolytes

while i am not one to quit books, on occassion i will abandon books to be read later if i'm not very far into it. sometimes indefinitely, but they are still on hold. after reading franny and zooey on the weekend i moved onto cat's eye by margaret atwood. by the 4th chapter (and they were short chapters) i didn't feel compelled to read it at every opportunity. this lure to reading is what i want these days, a book that always has me pining for more. so i decided to put cat's eye down and pick something else. there was nothing in our home that appealed to me, so suddenly at 8:30 last evening i announced to brendan that i was going to the book store and would try to spend as little as possible on a book. i wanted a good one. i wanted a broad selection. he said "ok, but don't spend very much". deal.

so i waundered up and down the aisles. i noticed a few that were a bit too expensive. i saw several books i've already. i kept searching. eventually i came across the F section, and books bearing the name "F. Scott Fitzgerald" caught my eye. what a name. i almost makes me wish i went by my middle name just so i was L. Meredith Lorimer. although L is less enchanting than F. say it, give it a try... EL. El. eL. L. vs EFF. Eff. eff. F. it's softer. L is rather abrupt. ANYWAYS. as i admired the name F. Scott Fitzgerald i happened to put together the fact that this is also the author of the great gatsby - a book that brendan and i had just been talking about when we were in westport last week. you see, b loved it when he read it. although, he was in the throes of a teen love triangle when he read it, but still felt it was a strong read even for those not undergoing such personal adolescent angst. i have never been interested in reading the great gatsby since one of my friends in highschool (who i considered to be a very well read person) referred to it as "the great crapsby". both opinions being considered i felt it would be worth looking into myself. so i read the first page, and found the style of prose quite appealing, and the price was right - 10 bux. the sales girl raved about it as she rang it thru, thus confirming i'd made the right choice.

i've started reading reviews online about books i'm interested in. and while i find it very interesting and will probably continue to do so, i feel that book reviews aren't really that helpful. they're purely subjective and what one person hates i may love, and vice versa. it's almost completely hit and miss. i've never written a book review myself. perhaps i should.

our big fat gray tabby tomcat, who goes by the name pekoe, is such a scaredy cat. he got spooked yesterday and ended up gouging my foot in an attempt to run away from me as i attempted to walk past him. it seemed like just a surface cut at first, but it not. it will most likely scar.

i'm pretty much fully recovered now from my tummy problems and have regained my interest in food. i've been reminded at how delightful i find having small snacks thoughout the day. i had 3 snacks this morning! i'll probably have two between now and dinner. it makes me realize how silly it was back when i had big meals and no snacks. no wonder i'd get so hungry between meals :S

 

you're a siren's song.

pale

it's been a while since i wrote (5 days-ish) and a lot has happened!

on friday i went strawberry picking with andrew and shannon in the morning. then in the afternoon, bren, brendan, me and the couple affectionately referred to as shandrew piled into the mojomobile and we drove to peterborough for cas and matt's wedding!! one the way we were guessing/betting on different wedding elements: colours, flowers, music, cake, bible passage, if garry was going to have an inappropriate ramble, etc etc. that was quite entertaining, and it was neat to see what they'd selected after all our speculating. going there we knew it would be both very classy and modern, and it totally was. the food was super and we all had a fun time. then we piled back into the crv and drove back to k-town.

the next morning i slept late. around 11 i opened my eyes to discover brendan had left for work and honey was lying on his side of the bed with her head on his pillow. at that moment i decided that i needed to buy a bicycle basket. so i made a list of things to do and headed out to canadian tire. while there i found THE most DELIGHTFUL basket for my bicycle. it's a retro-style basket, that matches the colour of my bike. it just snapped onto my handle bars and i headed off around town. it was awesome. i love my basket so much. it makes me want to ride my bike more, partly because it's so handy, and partly because i want to show it off :) so i spent a good chunk of the afternoon riding around filling my basket with all sorts of neccessary items. the trouble was... i am very suspicious of other folks and their possible schemes to steal my things. so each time i made a stop i was concerned that someone may happen to look in my basket and see my delicious cupcake or my contact solution or my spray paint and claim them for their own. i tried to take my basket with me (since it has a handy handle) but it wouldn't come off (which i took to be a good sign that passerbyers couldn't steal my beloved basket). so it turned into an exercise of trust. could i leave myself vulnerable and open to the sticky fingers of strangers? i have to admit, it was a rather nerve wracking experience for me. b has often commented on this and finds it odd that i'd be so paranoid. it stems from the fact that i often see situations (such as an open trunk when people are moving or packing a car) when someone could steal items from the car, but since i not one for theft i don't take advantage of the vulnerability. but it does make me aware of when i'm vulnerable to other people choosing kindness rather than cruelty. the interesting thing about trying to hide my things in the basket is that at my last stop (john's deli) i was so preoccupied with covering the basket that it completely slipped my notice that my bike was unlocked when i went in the store! silly lesley. hopefully that has increased my trust in my fellow citizens.

anyways that afternoon i started on my contribution to the song lyric art project at next. we're covering the walls with song lyrics that reflect faith in some way. i've been excited about this project, it combines all my favourite things: art, lyrics, faith :) so i slaved away in the driveway, spray-painting fabric, in the hot summer weather. by the time i finished i was SO beat! i couldn't for the life of me figured out why i was so tired. i felt like my whole body was made of led. bren, skye and ruth passed by as i was wrapping up and they invited me to join them at the splash pad. i felt a bit silly being the only adult in the water park without children, but bren told me to attach myself to her kids and i'd be fine. thankfully both skye and kieran were very gracious to let me play with them and i had a great time. it was super refreshing and i will indeed do that again. my tiredness continued so i went to bed quite early.

by morning i was feeling quite sick to my stomach, but had to drag myself out of bed to hang my art contribution on the walls at next. i got myself on my bike and peddled with my fabric pieces in my fancy new basket. nailed them to the wall then lied down on the couch. halfway thru church i excused myself to go home, where i lied around for the rest of the day, with the exception of having a cold bath. i'd concluded that the heat and my physical activity the day before had given me heat exaustion. i tried to lay-low and drink lots of liquids. monday morning i was not much better and spend the day lying around until mid afternoon when i felt inclined to get dressed and had a growing interest in food. both good signs i thought.

so now i'm feeling much better, but not quite 100% yet but i'm on the mend. i'm taking it easy and drinking lots of liquids and eating hearty gentle foods.

 

daddy gives you as much as you can take.

hearty

after reading the help i've gotten really into the idea of natural house-keeping. using things like vinegar, baking soda, and mayonnaise as cleaning products. this makes me happy. i like keeping things simple. i like not buying into modern marketing messages that it has to be store-bought to be good. that we have to spend money on manufactured things instead of using what we have that is just as effective. i often think of people who existed throughout history who didn't have the modern devises we have. a lot of things were harder, but a lot of things were better. no fast food (no obesity). no cars (no energy-crisis). no chemicals (less foreign materials entering our bodies and atmosphere). so i think so myself "is simple better?" and often it is.

nancy gave us 4 free passes to a movie last night (larry crowne) and it's got me thinking about scooters. i've been talking for years about eventually getting one, but now that we're a two-people home, it actually makes sense to have a scooter. especially when i drive about an hour every day. this is an actual possibility for the near future! i'm pretty stoked. we may wait til the spring instead of buying a scooter halfway thru the season. but i can start by getting my M1 license since i was already planning on doing that this year anyways.

man, i forgot how much i love the killers.

summer wind did not tell.

bruise

i'm completely ravenous for reading right now. i've concluded that it's not so much the quality of the book that hooks me on reading but a certain lure to the activity. last week i spent a good hour trying to decide what to read next and felt that every book i picked up and read the first page of was going to be a winner. that being said, one dull or poorly written book could derail me at any time so it's important to choose carefully. i ended up reading water for elephants in less than a week, and i don't usually plow thru books with such speed. i'm simply in the reading sweet spot. i feel that many of my activities right now (work, meals, sleeping) are just tasks i do to fill the time between reading. i've moved on to franny and zooey which bren has raved about and lent me the book. i'm enjoying it so far (started reading it over breakfast) and always find it interesting reading books that other people have written in the margins in. it feels like insight into their minds. in this case, she's pointing out things that i myself did not notice. i've concluded she marked it up on subsequent reads.

speaking of bren... we lent her our car yesterday, and would you believe it... she threw my keys on the roof of our house!

on monday evening b and i had our clan over for ice cream cake to celebrate our one year anniversary. it was really fun. i was especially happy to have them over for dessert because it's too small to have them all over for dinner. the last time we were all together was for our wedding/rehearsal, and it was really neat to see how the dynamics have changed since them. last year they were a bit more reserved and didn't mingle much. this year, with more familiarity everyone was quite chatty and got along swimmingly. it was neat since meg is now quite pregnant, and erin is now 15 mos old there was much to be excited about. erin was so super cute. the evening was a success, and nancy declared that she'd have everyone over to their place for a christmas party since getting together only once a year is not often enough :) we're pretty fortunate that our family all lives in the same town. however, my mom may move away if she gets remarried, and joy+tim may move when tim finishes his residency at the cancer clinic. so we may not all live close together, but i suppose that's all the more reason to enjoy close proximity.

 

i will never give them up to any ceiling, promise or a lie,
they are mine until i die, until i die.

sky rocket

a few months back, on his way to a gig in perth, b had the great idea to go to westport overnight to celebrate our first wedding anniversary. so we did. we stayed at the cove country inn and spa, and had a great time. it was super relaxing, peaceful, and the whole village is really friendly. i used to work in westport in the early 2000s, so it has a flare of familiarity similiar to that of a former residence. i really enjoy westport and it's quaintness, but i don't remember everyone being so darn friendly. it was really nice :)

our room at the inn was great. it didn't have a tv which was a nice change and meant we did more. we look a late night walk and played chess. i have to admit, i was quite impressed with my rusty chess skills. true, brendan did win, but i gave him a run for his money more boldly than he gave me. i had him in check within the first few minutes. i think he was taken off-guard by my skills :p anyways, our room was really great, equipped with a queensized bed (which was a nice change from our double because there's less room for hogging) and a jacuzzi! we used the jacuzzi a few times, the first time i made the water far too hot, but we just left it in the tub and it had cooled down to a nice temperature after dinner and we hopped in again. the room was kind of funny because the bathroom was part of the room without a door. b and i are not in the habit of using the washroom with the door open, so it made me giggle and us both feel a bit awkward. we didn't mind so much because it was memory making. i dunno. i know a lot of people would feel comfortable with that, but he's my lover not my brother and i'd like to maintain some boundaries in favour of romance :D

we ate dinner at the inn's restaurant which was super yummy and put it on our tab - so fancy! and had a delicious breakfast as part of our stay. on monday we walked up foley mountain, complete with tiredness, being circled by flies and getting slightly lost. i walk a lot slower than b, and found that gravity was viciously working against me. at one point he said "les... you walked the inca trail, i think you can handle this". so i explained that i was a slow walker on the trails, and i found it very difficult, but enjoy that it was a challenge that i conquered. then compared it to birth and what i imagine that experience to be like - horrible and yet awesome at the same time.

i think we'll go back there again next year, or do something slightly different, who knows. we didn't go out canoeing or swimming so there's still fun activities to do next year if we go back. and i think we will. b was mighty pleased with himself for coming up with the idea in the first place.

one of the funnier moments was when we were reading in our room we heard a woman moaning in the next room. i have never in my life overhead people having sex before so it was extremely funny. the next morning at breakfast i was scoping out the other guests to guess who it may have been.

well, it's hard to believe that we are into our second year of marriage. fun! it was a full year, and no doubt this year will be too :)

if you turn into a tree i will sway,
i'll sway with you.

baking soda

rach and i went to a double-feature movie night last night at birthfest. it was really good and i enjoyed rach's company.

i suspect that i was one of the only non-mothers/moms-to-be there. i find birth very interesting and enjoy learning about it partly because it's interesting but also because i'm a woman. i feel that as a woman we are in a unique position, and even if i can't have kids someday, i still cherish the beauty of giving birth and giving life. being a woman rocks!

on the way home rach and i were reflecting on the different approaches to labour and delivery. while i don't believe there's necessarily a right way or a wrong way, i do have my preference if given the choice – and the reality is there isn't always a choice. truthfully rach and i can't understand the perspectives of women who have the opposite approach to what we do. and as i often do in most situations that i don't understand i wonder why. the neat thing that rach and i discovered was what is at the root of our desire for a non-medicated homebirth. for rach... it's the desire to feel everything. emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc. she wants to deeply feel what is going on, and enjoy the richness of those feelings. for me... (while slightly different, still similar) i want to experience everything. i spend much of my life with a desire to experience as much in life as possible. i often do things that i'm reluctant to do simply because i want to add that experience to my collection. i think that's why i'd prefer to experience all of birth and not just skip over it. i think in some ways it's like planning a trip. some people would like to avoid the travel and just arrive at their destination. but i love road trips, trains, buses, and airplanes. i would not skip that even if i had the choice. getting there is a big part of the story. yes, arriving safely is the end goal, but why not make it a really beautiful and memorable trip too? it's not either/or – it can be both/and.

they said last evening that 75% of women watch reality birthshows on tv (shows that are out to make a profit and as a result try to tell dramatic and entertaining tales), and yet only 25% of women take a pre-natal course (where they are given gentle, assuring and helpful information that's not fear based). it's unfortunately that most women learn about birth thru the tv and don't bother doing any research.

here's one of the films we watched last night:




it was a great film. the woman is a PhD student who turned her thesis into this documentary. she addresses the 4 main misconceptions caused by mass media – fear, speed (on tv they usually have to make the delivery fit into a 30 minute segment, so they don't show how slow and boring labour can be), men being unhelpful idiots (when they have the important role of supporting and empowering their partners) and unbearable pain that women need to be rescued from. women are strong, capable, wise, and should be treated with respect. yay girls!

don't underestimate the things that i will do.

colour

i have hiccups. really badly. i discovered a trick a few years ago that if someone tells a person with hiccups "stop hiccupping" in a serious and stern voice the hiccups stop immediately. sometimes i call b on the phone and simply tell him "i have hiccups" and he commands me to stop hiccuping and i'm cured. but unfortunately he's at work so i'm stuck.

for the first time, i've been feeling a great anticipation for the fall. i usually don't like september, it feels like a month of mondays. similar to how july feels like a saturday, and august like a sunday. anyways, the end of summer is full of exciting new things this year. brendan is starting school, megan is having a baby, we're going camping, brendan's buying a new guitar. i hope i don't get carried away by anticipation that i let this summer pass without paying attention to it. that would be a shame since summer is, after all, my favourite season. i sat out on the balcony the other evening enjoying the outdoors and the season. how lovely. it's so nice having a good book to accompany the slow pace of weather. i'm on a true reading roll at the moment. i hope i keep on rolling.

oh.. wait wait wait. i think that last hiccup startled me so much that they're now gone. hooray!

the new pool is set to open today at the m centre. i think it will be a real hit and i'm so glad that more people will start to discover the joys of this neighbourhood on the wake of this updated water park. that makes me happy.

 

i got my knuckles brusied by a lady in black.

surfacing

last night joanne was talking about her anxiety about her first year of marriage. she'd been told that it will be the worst year of her life. since i hadn't taken the time to reflect on our own first year of marriage i deflected to rachel who raved about how great her first year of marriage was. while it's hard to believe that it is indeed our first anniversary in 3 days *smile*... it truly is. the year has gone fast and part of me feels a little bit sad to see it wrap up. the newness. the significance. the timeline. as the day approached i wondered if being outside the container of our first year would lessen the significance of all that we experience, but i've concluded that nothing is actually changing other than the date. things are still new and exciting. we're still on a learning curve and still have loads of discovery ahead of us.

while i haven't fully processed all this (i assume i will as i write) i can say without a doubt that our first year of marriage has been the time of our lives. we've really really enjoyed it and it's been a very special time. i don't even think i can express the joy that our relationship brings to my life. i've found that marriage is not unlike any other adventure i've experienced. it's full of amazing moments and challenging moments, and it's that diversity that makes it so rich and fulfilling. since i'm one to quickly forget (like i did with the door that fell off its hinges) it's hard for me to remember right now what the hardest parts have been. but i think the challenges have been in learning how to balance our differences. our differences are mostly around our arguing styles - i'm quick tempered then quickly recover and forget what the issue was (seriously i can forget within a matter of seconds which frustrates the heck out of b), and brendan is slow tempered, he gets increasingly mad - usually peaking around the time that i'm starting to get over it - and is slow to recover. i even find this delightful. i love that i have this partner who i've working out these dynamics with. together we're learning about both ourselves and each other. it will be neat to see how far we've come in a year's time.

last year we started a "brendan and lesley journal". since we're both people who enjoy writing and enjoy reflecting, we decided to keep a journal that we'll write in each anniversary and at significant milestones. it will be so neat to look back in 75 years and have this wonderful time-capsule. to read exactly what we felt and experienced at those stages and not just recall them thru our aged perspective. i recently re-read last year's entry and even just a year later was surprised by the details that have already faded.

so that's that. i think now if i were to be asked what our first year of marriage was like i'd have an answer: fun, flavourful and joyful. it was a deeply rich experience :)

you're always there to say...
"no matter baby what the days bring i'll be there.
i'm here to holding you as the door seems to crumble.
and in the times when it all seems so stale
i'll be with you when the going gets going."

tenacious

a funny thing happened the other day. the wood screen door connecting our porch and our inside fell off when i walked thru it. it was odd and startling. perhaps the funniest part was that just minutes before it happened brendan and i had been struggling to close the door, because it appeared to be needing attention. then minutes later i'd already completely forgotten and opened the door in a rush only to see it fall down right in front of me. considering i have a very good memory, i forget stuff like that almost immediately.

the mojomobile was overheating last week. i tried to take it in on friday after work but the car shop was closed (even though they'd left their 'open' sign on). but it turns out that was a good thing. i ended up taking it in on monday to the mechanic down the road from my office. they were very kind and gave me a loaner car for the afternoon. it was a old cavalier like melissa's old car - it reminded me of the time that she lent me hers. the loaner car was itself in bad shape - making suspicious sounds and flashing lights at me. the whole loaner car experience was interesting, it felt so low to the ground and i couldn't help but feel funny just steering the little blue automatic car. just steering feels like doing hardly nothing at all.

the car repair was costly - roughly a week's worth of wages - but the difference is unbelievable so i find myself feeling it was worth every penny. i think i've officially broken up with my old cruddy mechanic and will continue my working relationship with williams. they're a good shop, always busy and friendly. the staff are helpful and not sketchy. plus it's so convienent being close to work - and honestly... there's NOTHING close to my work.

the mojomobile is purring like it did back in it's early days. it feels like new(to me) again. i even spent some time spray-painting the two rusty spots to stop the spread. while i hate spending that kind of money i feel it's worth taking care of the ole moj. i've always wanted a big truck-like vehicle. it's handy! so i'd like it to last a long while :)

 

it's raining so hard outside that it looks like it's snowing.

the answer better be yes.

fire-eater

we sat in the park on saturday - the entire neighbourhood all together listening to music, talking, laughing, connecting. it was great. the day of skeleton park music festival is one of my favourite days of the year. we're super fortunate to have this great park and great festival in walking distance to our homes.

the weather was PERFECT, and we thoroughly enjoyed sitting in both the sun and the shade. thru-out the whole day people came and went from our blanket. it was really fun to see such a unique collection of folks to hangout with at once! one of the more amusing parts was when shannon and brendan were mistaken as husband and wife and someone took their photo (without their knowledge). it was surprising since b was sitting up against me, so we weren't exactly sure how the confusion occured. another highlight was when shannon told us the story about a seagull attacking her face. oh and when i opened the porta-potty door and there was a man in it. that was super awkward. i still don't understand why he didn't lock the door behind him!

the music was great. a little more country than in the past, which was actually alright. there was also a strong soul presence too. country and soul, what a combo!

b and i decided to take a picnic in our classic picnic basket. it's fun to picnic, it requires some fore-thought but that's something i'm getting increasingly good at. i packed both a lunch and a supper! we sat on that spot of park from 11 am til after dark. we didn't get home til after 11 pm! it was great :) on the third saturday of june, there's no place i'd rather be than in that park.

i don't care about money,
i don't care about time,
i don't care about reason,
reason don't care much for me.

authentic

i'm feeling badly because i teased my six year old nephew at lunch today and he made a sad frowny face. his kids meal at the restaurant came with three mini ice cream cones and he was upset because he didn't like his flavour. i commented "oh poor caleb... doesn't like his ice cream". i'm not one to tease cruelly so when i realized it came out that way i tried to back peddle. hopefully this has not left lasting damage on his psyche. i wondered where the comment came from, and realized it's largely tied to the emotions stirred by the book i'm currently reading – the help. it's basically about black women living & working in mississippi during the early 1960's. it's made me think a lot about how basic rights were denied to people because of the colour of their skin (this kind of behaviour still occurs today in different ways with different ethnicities). and while i don't want to be too hard on a six year old, it's not too difficult for me to see a connection to how being privileged can make us ungrateful. it's not enough to simply have ice cream, we complain that it's not good enough or the specific flavour we want. i'm awakening to this truth in my own life (I'M ungrateful, I'M privileged and desensitized) and unfortunately didn't exercise a filter in conversing with my young sweet-natured nephew. i imagine that gratitude is a difficult lesson to teach (i haven't the foggiest idea how one teaches true gratitude), just as having a privileged world-view is difficult to unlearn. good thing we're not expected to know all these things right away. phew!

where you invest your love, you invest your life.

moon

in 2009 a sign went up at the memorial centre saying site renovations and improvements were going to be taking place. very little else was explained and shortly there after there was a new climber installed and a random fancy gate. i was not impressed since the sign had implied some serious changes. time passed slowly and eventually (the following construction season) more work was done. yet another climber and playground equipment have been installed and the fancy gate was taken down and replaced with an entire new nice fence. gardens and walking paths have been installed. a new awesome outdoor pool replaced the old one, and the park directly across the street from the maxipad has undergone some major changes as well. the crappy old chainlink fence was removed, a new walking path was created with picnic benches and regular benches. in addition they've installed oodles of lovely street lamps along the paths. 2 nights ago was the first time they'd turned on all the lights at night and the whole park just glowed. looking out the kitchen patio window i remarked at how serene and safe it looked. i feel as though i could sit on one of those benches late into the night and not feel afraid. it's interesting how light creates safety and darkness creates fear and danger. i was a little worried that the new glow of the park would shine in our bedroom window making it difficult to sleep, but it's been alright.

last night at about 1:10 there were a group of people (1 man, 2 women) arguing on the sidewalk across the street from our house. york street is a busy place with the m centre, it's exciting derby girls bouts, and it's domestic disputes.  

when talk first began about plans to improve the m centre i was in the middle of plans to quit my job and leave town for a while. i was disappointed that i wouldn't get to enjoy the renovations. i'm so glad that i'm still here. i feel like i'm finally getting to experience the m centre the way it was intended to be - as a community gathering place. it's so lovely and beautiful to see people coming together and having a place to be. 

i'll know my name as it's called again.

slice

i wore my pants backwards all last evening. i didn't realize it at first. they were yoga pants so it wasn't completely obvious, but even after i realized i didn't bother correcting it. maybe that's why vancouver lost.

the hockey game was kind of dull after the first 15 minutes, i chalk this up to the fact that tim thomas is simply too good of a goalie that it makes for boring hockey. however, i did manage to watch the whole thing from beginning to end. from the national anthems to the giant skating around holding the stanley cup like it was a tiny little trophy. i find it odd that vancouver fans started to riot after the loss. the damage is worse than the G20 riots which is shocking to me since the G20 protests were about something, about making a change, about demonstrating a desire for change and accountability. while hockey is an interesting past-time i can't see it worth rioting over. how silly. actually, it's silly for me to say it was about hockey, because when riots like that happen it's rarely about what originally caused it. it's simply about recklessness and adrenaline. sometimes i imagine how things would be different if people put their natural fighting instincts towards an important cause. i think people have a desire to be passionate about something. but in our comfortable country, where few people get a glimpse at how hard life is for the rest of the world, people can end up funneling their passions into things like sports. i suppose people in struggling countries do the same. maybe in both cases it's a form of escapism.

it's been almost a year since our wedding. all this time i've been planning on framing one of our family portraits (that includes both sides of our immediate families all together) and hanging it on the wall. yesterday we finally got around to it. the finished product is much bigger than i originally imagined, but it looks fantastic. it's a black and white photo in a large oval frame. it's great. a classic family portrait :) b and i both find ourselves staring at it, and half expecting everyone to start moving and talking to each other like in a harry potter photo. what an amazing keepsake. we're having our family over for ice cream cake the day after our anniversary and i can't wait til they see it! brendan said "they're all there. our big wacky family. all together. no one missing". except for nana who refused to join us for the photos because it was raining. and our new niece who is still a cooking. but it's a snapshot. a moment in time :)

as the days stumble by, i'll look to you.

legend

the world is very small. i was talking to one of my colleagues today. he's from honduras originally and it turns out that his best friend (from honduras, who still lives there) recently met dave and esther at a dinner party or something. thru a number of strange coincidenes they figured out that they both knew people who work at BBD in kingston. so my colleague jason came to tell me that some friends of his friend knows me. isn't that funny?

watermelons are pretty consistently hit and miss. it's hard to know when you've got a good one. the first one i bought this season was impeccable. the second i got was under-ripen and tasteless. the third was over-ripe and kind of fermented. will i never win, i wonder!?!?!

i have to admit, i'm kind of excited about the hockey game tonight. maybe "excited" is not the right word, but i'm feeling anticipation. there's something special about events that have everyone watching and talking about. while i'm not a part of hockey culture, but i'm rather intrigued by it as a spectator, and i'm trying my best to catch on. unfortunately brendan sometimes chuckles at me when i say things like "how many minutes are in one inning" etc etc. it's not that i think they're called innings. i know they're called periods, but sometimes when i don't concenstrate the wrong word comes out. watching the stanley cup play offs is something i've neve done before :)

'cause waiting around can be tough on the soul.

restoring

i watched a hockey game (at least part of it) for the first time EVER last night. this has less to do with my 'band, and more to do with my good friend bren. the melles's are quite contagious in their love for hockey. brendan has spent many significant hockey moments over at their place glued to the set. so when he casually said last evening "i think i'll watch the hockey game" i thought i'd join him. i was just sitting around knitting anyways. brendan found i talked too much, and by the end of the second period he turned the tv off because he was feeling too overly simulated by all the noise coming at him. i maintained hope until halfway thru the second period that vancouver would rally, by then i was confidently telling brendan that i was more certain that we would some day own a hybrid car than i was that the knucks were going to win that game.

it occured to me the other day that i don't own a white tank top. or at least i didn't and i felt a huge need to get one pronto. so i bought one on friday and i'm loving it. it's so versatile. why didn't i ever own one before!!?!?

losing weight (and gaining weight too for that matter) is very strange. i'm finding shirts and other clothing items are fitting slightly different very gradually. it's a very slow process. i was quite surprised to discover when buying my new white tank top that i'm a size small now. strange! i'm probably not a small for everything, but for some things i am. after i hit what felt like a weight-loss plateau i'm happy that i'm making progress once again. i've now actually lost 20 pounds. crazy huh? like really. i can see a big difference in my face. brendan doesn't see it, he said he never noticed it in my face. i did, that's where it bothered me the most.

the mojomobile is getting hot flashes. i hope it gets better soon! i'm super thankful that i have a buddy like frank to help me figure out the problem and enjoys doing so.

i'll keep you up when you're tired.

foosball

it's been a peaceful weekend. spent a lot of time between reading and knitting while listening to an audio book. i've cooked dinner a few times and brendan has praised my cooking which is always encouraging. i'm actually not as bad of a cook as i thought, i'm just not particularly creative and it's not an activity that i enjoy the way others do.

this afternoon bren and i went to a memorial service of an acquaintance from ktown. a friendly and kind-hearted guy who we often crossed paths with. the circumstances around his death are unsettling and tragic. but the service was a wonderful celebration of his life, and one full of love, appreciation, and forgiveness. i haven't attended many funerals of people that i felt did the person justice or reflected them, but this one did. 

i'm feeling a bit solemn, quiet, reflective. not really sure what to do with myself for the rest of the evening. i guess that happens when a person has a lot of their mind.

love is not a victory march,
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

sling

our kitchen is a cozy small room with large patio doors opening out onto the balcony. in the summer we leave the sliding door open so the kitties can come and go from the balcony. on occasion when the weather is less lovely we leave it shut, which means that honey whines and paws at the door incessantly. the door is right beside the refrigerator, which makes for a very clear view into the centre of our daily life. for example, i waved hello to mike as the walked by the other night while i put a few things back into the fridge. "don't mind me" i said "just putting a few things into my refrigerator!". i enjoy the oddity of it all.

a few evenings ago b and i sat at the table eating dinner while one of the kitties was enjoying the balcony. being such a small kitchen, the table is also right by the door. while we ate we both heard and saw two women on the sidewalk calling out to our cat. it was a little bit awkward since i was sitting right there, but i didn't want to make them feel uncomfortable about having a visit with my kitty. we were a little puzzled as to why they kept saying "isis, isis". the two were clearly mother-daughter, and the mother was an older chinese woman so i wondered if maybe "isis" was chinese for cat (although it didn't particularly sound chinese to me). the whole thing seemed innocent enough so we didn't really concern ourselves. the daughter soon called out to the mom "there's another one over there!" which seemed to add to some confusion. anyways, within seconds a neighbour walked past and i heard them say "are you helping look for isis? oh, it's ok he was found". it turns out there were posters of a missing cat named isis on hydro poles in the neighbourhood and the women somehow thought that OUR cat was isis. the creepy thing to me is that they thought we'd taken someone else's cat into our home. that's weird! why would we do that! to be fair, isis does bare a close resemblance to pekoe but still! 

I used to live alone before I knew you.

i just read this online...

"In terms of the unemployed, of which we have over a million-and-a-half, I don't feel particularly bad for many of these people."
- Stephen Harper speaking in Montreal, 1997 (Sourced from Rebel Youth magazine, Fall-Winter Edition 2006)

I'm deeply disturbed. THIS is who we're trusting for job creation?
i think it's official... this man has no heart!

alpha male

i accidentally stabbed myself with our big chefs knife this morning when slicing watermelon. it isn't a deep or severe wound by any means but it's in a tender spot and i feel slightly admonished for my reckless nature.

perhaps it was due to the weather, or perhaps it was due to the time of year, but there were only 3 storytellers last evening. me, rach, and joanne, plus kelly who didn't write but hung out with us just the same. i led for the first time ever, which was fun - i selected activities from a book i read years ago. although i wrapped things up at my target time, the three of us (kelly had disappeared by then to do homework) sat chatting for quite a long time about our lives, our futures, our hopes. it was lovely, and inspiring too!

i've been thinking a lot about this whole task-oriented vs people-oriented personality thing and it's making so much of life make sense to me now. it's shedding light on different people i know and their behaviours. i feel like i understand and appreciate them in a whole new way. i've concluded that life is harder for task-oriented people. there's always a new task, another job, more duties to attend to. it's unceasing, that would be hard. i also feel that it unfortunately means that they miss out on some of the most richest and most meaningful experiences in life. my mom was given a cheesey plaque from one of her friends years ago that said "friends are the flowers in the garden of life". that's how i feel - people are what makes life beautiful. i wonder if sometimes task-oriented people are so busy maintaining the garden itself that they don't get to enjoy the flowers. i suppose if they are happy then that's what matters, but i find that it can make it hard for me to interact with them. i want to know them, i want to spend time with them, and connect with them. but they're busy in the garden and don't have time to talk.

for the first time in weeks, i didn't hit my alarm clock snooze button 6 times then arrive late for work. that's super satisfying.

 

you're the queen of the living room.

blankets

it was announced yesterday that the place brendan works is closing in september and laying everyone off. good thing b was already planning on quiting in august!!!! the timing really worked out perfectly for him, and this also answers the question of whether or not he should try to stay on part-time in the fall - big ole no. i feel excited about this change and that it will open new possibilities for him (instead of just going back there again next summer). together we're going to figure out stepping stones towards the future goal of him finding work in the area of social services. there's a few student positions posted online at the moment at homebased housing which would be perfect for next summer (it's for 2nd year students), so he can try to position himself for one of those jobs next summer by possibly volunteering there and developing connections. i feel that volunteering is an important part of finding a job. i volunteered at a local newspaper for about six months which lead to me landing a job at another newspaper, then later i land my current job. volunteering kept me current, gave me on the job practice, and beefed up my resume. it will be interesting to see how the next few years unfold for brendan. it's exciting!

i've been doing some reading online about personality types, and have discovered that being relationship-oriented or task-oriented affects our temperment just as much as being introverted or extroverted. another light bulb in my head has clicked on. sometimes i feels like learning and understanding is like opening one door after another (kind of like the 'get smart' intro).

we went to a potluck downstairs last night with brendan's highschool friends. it's a totally different culture to what i've grown accustomed to. they're a bunch of young, single, students/recent grads, still very green with no inkling about what their futures will be like. i used to find it hard to be around them because of the sheer lack of life experience, but it's getting better. i complained to brendan beforehand that they don't really talk to me, and he said that it's probably because i'm much older than them and they don't understand why he married a 30 something. they don't know people in their 30s much less hangout with them. it went a bit better. i think they're starting to get to know me and are discovering that i've done some interesting things with my 9 extra years. it can be tricky socially having a wide age gap, but i basically add our ages and divide the difference. we're collectively 26.5 years old. still older than his peers, but not nearly as foreign to them.

 

we had a divine sense
to know what to say.

sunflower

i sat in a room with acquaintences who are still mostly strangers. as talk went back and forth across the big table one person mentions the genderless baby. the timing was ironic since just yesterday i was telling brendan how tired i am of the subject and that i wish it wasn't such a big deal. the man made some jabby comments, and it quickly became apparent that i was the only one there who knew what he was talking about. while my opinion on the topic leans more towards indifference i felt a need to correct him on his misconceptions. he and i bantered back and forth while the rest of the group quickly lost interest. a few minutes after the topic was dismissed the girl closest to me whispered "how do you raise a gender-neutral baby?" so i explained the intensions of the parent and she said "well that's not a big deal", i agreed.

this encounter left me struck in an unexpected way. here i was in a room with my peers and it appeared that none of them listened to or read the news. that revealed much more to me than their disinterest in the topic of gender identity. i wonder what this says about my generation. i wonder what this says about the state of the majority of canadians. i wonder how much this influences our social behaviour, and how much it impacts our political direction. people are uninformed. folks with good jobs and careers who have full access to the media and information. is this new? have a portion of the population always lived with their heads in the sand?

i guess i've always taken forgranted that the people in my life are both intelligent and informed. my community is engaged and aware. it's good to awaken to the fact that that is not necessarily the norm. it's weird to me that there are people all over the world who know about the genderless baby and yet co-citizens of said baby do not. what a weird world we live in. i think it's good practise to even just skim the news.

THINGS I LEARNED FROM SKIMMING THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
- there is an e-coli outbreak in europe
- some important guy is being accused of sexual assault
- that someone hacked harper's website and posted a story saying he died eating breakfast
- that china and google are not getting along
- that justin bieber's girlfriend announced that she's happy

- that a photo of an ontario mpp's genitals were posted online
- that a woman falsely accused of killer her son has been acquitted
- a volcano erupted in chile

i could go on and on. even without reading the articles i'm tuned in to what's happening in the world.

i actually read an article online yesterday about known knowns and unknown unknowns vs known unknowns. kk's and ukuk's don't worry people. it's the known unknowns that they lose sleep over. i think for the people who have been upset about the genderless baby... it's an known unknown. they don't understand it and that's unsettling. for the people who've never heard of it... it's an unknown unknown, so they couldn't care less.

i prefer knowing. even when i can't understand or change anything. for me i love because i care to know. i care because i want to know love. and i know because i care and love. those are all connected, just like all of us.

if i could change the world i'd want for everyone to give a rat's ass.

 

you're stumbling in the dark.

dixie cup

tickle tickle in my throat. man, that's the worst!

jewelery, shoes, bed sheets, towels, an extra sleeping bag, clothes that no longer fit. i dug thru my closets, cupboards and drawers yesterday collecting no longer used items to share with people who may need them. i was surprised how invigorating it was find things to give away that someone else may really enjoy and appreciate. i know the fun of accepting free things that people no longer need, and i look forward to other people discovering treasures that will delight them as well. i hope i can find the right time and place to set up a display of free things. if not i may just get some tarps and lay everything out in the park like shannon did at her jubilee.

we crashed a wedding then hit the library in our fancy clothes. shanno and me, we were sans husbands for the afternoon, giggling at guys who were trying to impress two married girls.

scott pilgrim vs the world is a very entertaining movie.

i'm not sore today! i'm surprisingly not sore after my first bike ride of the season. i filled the tires of my old tank of a bike and headed off down the street. it never ceases to amaze me at how true the statement "just like riding a bike is". i don't lose my ability to ride with no hands just because it's been a while. i don't really understand the mechanics of that.

what's the point
if you hate, die and kill for love.

vowel

i've been thinking a lot in recent months about money management. i was once told that spending time thinking of money means that you are enslaved to it. and while i think money is something we need to be careful with (since it's addictive), i don't believe it controls me. actually to the contrary i feel that money management is actually part of my skill-set. anyways, since i'm a big fan of the show "til debt do us part", i've been exposed to a different approach to use of money in terms of the future. this different perspective didn't quite fit with my world view and it caused me to wrestle to figure out how prudence and faith mix. i want to live generously, and i want to travel/explore, and i want to save responsibly. so what do i do?? but now after many months of wondering both in my head and outloud, i've discovered the middle ground. i don't need to have a fortune. i don't need to have nothing. i simply need to have enough. i don't need a big empty home, or a small one room apartment. i need simply enough space. i don't need lots of clothes, or only one set, i need enough clothes. enough food. enough shoes. enough adventure. enough rest. so then the question is... what is enough? how do we know when we have enough? for me that's the point when i can get by well without more. and truth be told, there are many things that i have more than enough of, so i'm going to downsize. declutter. i'm going to aim to not bring more into my life without letting go of something else. shoes in... shoes out. towels in... towels out. digital camera in... digital camera out. it's not so much that having things is wrong, it's the hording when i could choose to be generous and give freely to people who are without enough.

have you ever had the experience when you get an email from a friend that is less than 20 words long, and although neither of you have said it specifically you know that your friendship is over? i know that friends come and go as life changes and we all have different experiences, but it makes me sad because i loved him so. in contrast to that, i got home from book club last night feeling so thankful for friendships that are meaningful and deep. i have a plethora of great and wonderful friends. i'm very lucky. thanks girls for listening and encouraging me to keep on keeping on!

after 4 years of excellent service... my baking stone broke. it was in the oven, cooking dinner, and snapped in half! i've never heard of that before! and funnily enough... the pizza stone we've been using instead shattered this week too! bizarre. apparently our kitchen is taking revenge on our stoneware. in the case of the pizza stone, b unwittingly placed it on a burner that was on and it basically exploded.

if i had an orchard i'd work til i'm sore.

verify

last night i had a grilled cheese sandwich on rye, with grated cheese and arugala. it was so delicious. b and i have started to experiment with grilled cheese sandwiches, so far i'm already very satisfied.

it's officially summer in the maxipad. last night we put away our duvet and got out the bedspread that we bought in cambodia last summer. lovely.

i've been thinking about culture in the context of marriage. any environment (school, work, church, friends, housemates, neighbourhoods, camps, even family) have some kind of distinct culture. so it stands to reason that a marriage or long-term committed partnership is bound to have a culture as well, even if on a smaller less obvious scale. studies have shown that your partner's eating habits affect your own eating habits - being overweight is "contagious" for example. i've also heard it said that a person's ambition is often influenced by one's partner. i've commented before that i've become more introverted since beginning my relationship with brendan, and perhaps that's in part the result of being in a relationship with an introvert. maybe our marriage has an introverted culture. brendan is very comfortable and at ease being at home, watching movies or reading. since i also like those things, i join him in his activities. i also mingle less in crowds than i used to.

anyways, i got thinking about this in regards to social skills. i've known many couples in my day who seem equally socially awkward. i always thought that was the result of two awkward people being drawn to one another, but i'm starting to wonder if it's the result of their culture. if your partner has great social skills, is alert to social cues, is very eloquent and graceful in his or her interactions, comfortable and at ease with conversation, you're bound to be influenced by that in a positive way. but i'm awakening to the fact that poor social skills are also influential, and people i once found to be very skillful socially may have become less so if their partner does not have the same skill set. recently i made several attempts to share with someone about an experience that was important and meaningful to me. i did not receive a response, and when i was contacted on another matter, there was still no mention of the news i'd shared. my experience and feelings were completely glossed over. at first i felt disappointed and hurt, then i felt angry and rejected, but since then i'm starting to wonder if the person just doesn't have the social skills to reciprocate in a customary manner. maybe it's cultural. it's my custom to respond in kind, but i suppose not everyone has that custom.

i ate an entire bag of doritos cool ranch chips in two days this past weekend. i justified it with the fact that i didn't eat any dinner on either saturday or sunday, but i know that it's still bad practice. chips are a treat not a meal. tsk tsk lesley. tsk tsk. since i haven't been going to goodlife lately (i've been trying to be out walking more often) my weight loss is less drastic but still progressing. i can now take off my work pants without undoing them, and am fitting into smaller clothes. excellent!

plug it in and change the world.