i'm going to bed...

abercrombie

*exhale*

well... things are brighter. we think we've found a suitable car that we'll be happy with and we can afford. we just want to think about it for a few days first. i'm pretty sure brendan's car is going to die in the next week as well, so i'm eager to get a car. that said, i also don't want to rush into anything.

this is my first time car shopping, but went along with my mom many times as a kid and teenager. i realized the things she cares about when considering a car are not things i care about. she considers the colour of the inside, the brightness, how big the windows are, etc etc. a lot of aesthetic things. while brendan and i care about the functionality (spacious, stick-shift, large trunk, power windows, etc) and if it's affordable. the aesthetics are less important because we'll get used to those things. in the past, it was always a 'take what you get' kind of thing.

once all this is wrapped up, i'll be able to think/write about our trip.

i really like the sound of the birds chirping outside :)

the worst

life is strange. one minute you're driving home, refreshed and renewed from a wonderful vacation. the next, your much loved, dependable and rugged car breaks down on the road and is declared dead by a mechanic.

i feel like all the freshness and energy of my trip has disappeared because of the loss of my car, which is really disappointing. sometimes i tell myself "at least it wasn't on the way to the airport", but if it had, at least we would've had time to process this major life change before having to do something about it.

since my office is so far away, i can't just go carless for the time being. i wish i could because i'd like the freedom to look around and buy something i'm really happy with.

this sucks.

i was telling brendan yesterday, if money wasn't an issue, i'd be happy to get a new car. the two rentals we had in the last week were really nice and the drive was smooth. but money is an issue, and we can't just buy whatever car we want. we're probably going to have to get a compact car – which has it's advantages for sure, but i really associate cars with freedom and a compact car will really limit what we can and can't haul around.

all of that said, things are pretty bad. we're stressed and emotional and jet-lagged and disappointed and argumentative and frustrated. i'm hoping this will blow over soon, but i might just have to lay low for a week.

enroute

we're at Washington Dulles airport, on our way back to Toronto. we'll arrive there and stay over in a hotel tonight than drive home tomorrow. with the five hour difference, I won't be surprised if eamon wakes at 1 am :S

much to say... we've had many adventures. but I'll wait til I'm home and have a proper computer.

that said, brendan and I agree that this was our most diverse trip - with the largest range of activities. it was really cool. we're pretty tried, but happy :)

Sent from my iPod

away we go

well, we leave this evening for london. i've been feeling really excited about it, but since this morning i've felt a little anxious. i think éamon might be starting to cut a molar, which is not pleasant. after his last teeth came through, i thought we'd be scott-free for a while, but he's had some teething symptoms, so i checked a baby dental chart this morning and these next ones come in between 20 and 31 months, and he'll be 21 months next week :S bad timing. we'll just have to put on our broad shoulders and take precautions.

we're well prepared. i only have a few final things to pack today, then we'll head out to toronto later in the afternoon. i've been remarkably surprised by how smooth packing for a family with a toddler has been. brendan and i have a big travel backpack each, and we have one large beach bag type of tote bag for our carry-on. we have some new small toys that eamon's never seen before, and i got two toddler-aged apps for my ipod. if nothing else, i'm sure it will be a memorable journey!

i think this will be fun:) the weather in london this week is around 15° C all week, and 18° C on friday!

over the pond

we've been spending the last few days getting ready for our trip to the UK. we leave on monday. our flight is not until 23:10, so we have a lot of time still. i'm actually going to work a half day that morning. i've been super intentional and methodical about packing for the three of us, and so far i've found success.

there's pros and cons to traveling with a toddler. here's a few i've thought of:

con: we'll have to go at a slower pace than we're used to
pro: we'll discover another side of our destination (parks, playgrounds, zoos)

con: we'll have to get up earlier in the morning

pro: we'll get up earlier and make the most of our day

con: we won't be able to watch as many movies on the plane

pro: we'll probably get more sleep

con: we'll have a toddler sitting on our lap

pro: he flys for free – which is basically like get getting a 2 for 1 rate

con: we might have to deal with a screaming/crying toddler (for various reasons)

pro: we'll get to board early

con: having a toddler on a flight sometimes brings out the worst in people

pro: having a toddler on a flight sometimes brings out the best in people

purple porridge

once again, i've fallen behind with my writing.

i've been reflecting lately on how i struggle to do things consistently. i wish i was able decide to do something and just do it. there's so many wonderful things i wish i had the self-discipline to make part of daily life. it might not even be a self-discipline thing. some personalities types are more prone to patterns and routines. i'm not one of them.

i gave my dad a drive to the train station today. without going into the long story involving his purple porridge, i realized how similar we are. how much effort we have to make to not overlook details, and how frustrated we get when we goof-up. because my dad was absent from my life for quite a long time, there's still a lot of things i'm still piecing together. sometimes i feel like an adopted person who is getting to know their birth parents and discovering a bunch of similar traits. i like it. it's nice – it helps me not be so hard on myself.

the girl at work

once upon a time, i was an environmental technician at the hospital.

looking back i'd have to say that job made a significant impression during an impressionable time. i was fascinated by the hospital environment, but never felt so invisible in my life. it's one of those jobs that people need done, but don't really want or need to see the person doing it. so they look through you. you're just someone performing an invisible task, and not someone necessary for them directly. there was one patient who saw me, and would thank me every day when i emptied her trash. that made me feel a little uncomfortable because i did it because it was my job, and no other reason. but now i understand that it was her way of acknowledging me. we have a new cleaner at work. up until now, we had night cleaners. but they've hired this girl, who cleans during the day (if i had to guess, i'd say they did this because it's cheaper). she looks to be in her mid-20s. i realize that i might be projecting, but she looks like she feels invisible - the insignificant person performing an invisible task. so i've been trying to make eye contact with her, which is tricky because she keeps her eyes down. but i'm trying. because i know that she's no less important than anyone else there, and i want her to know that i see her. that she's not actually invisible, even if she feels awkward cleaning up after people while they sit around typing.

peach fuzz

brendan's nana is in her mid-80s. she has glaucoma and mac-degen – so is nearly blind. she can't really see faces. tonight, at an early family easter gathering, she asked him "brendan, do you have a beard? good for you!". she was really impressed that he was able to grow a beard. the rest of us, just looked at each other and tried not to giggle.

he's had a beard for 8.5 years and we see her fairly reguarly.

layers

i've been thinking lately about weight. one's weight in general. i've observed, both my own experience, and that of other people, that it's extremely different to lose weight without gaining it back. i'm not entirely sure if it's physiological or if it's the result of a person's behaviours and habits.

i have not returned to my pre-pregnancy weight. i am both disappointed about this, and indifferent. i really don't think i could've or should've done anything differently to lose that weight. upon reflection, i know that i did not have good eating habits during my pregnancy because i thought i would easily lose weight from breast-feeding. i think i've lost all my pregnancy-related weight, but haven't lost the extra weight i gained from having no self-discipline. my current eating habits are good, or at least mostly on-track. so there's part of me that feels i should just accept my body as it is, and just dress accordingly. get rid of all my smaller clothes that i've been hanging on to, and yada yada yada. it's tricky because it's hard to know if that's "loving my post baby body" or just giving up.

oddly enough, i haven't come across any articles or blog entries about women who are dissatisfied with their bodies after baby. i've heard some women share about disappointments about specific body parts, but no one has expressly said they are struggling to come to terms with their new shape. maybe i'm the only one. or maybe women just don't talk about it.

i wish i was one of those women would could be in awe of her body – amazed by what it did. instead, because of my c-section, i feel miffed that my body failed to perform. it literally couldn't (whether it was external or internal factors, we won't know til i try to birth again) do the job it's meant to do. so i'm left feeling let down AND bulky.

there's a few other girls at work who have had babies in recent years, and they may be 10 sizes smaller than me. i know everyone has a different body type, but it just reminds me that other people return to normal and i haven't.

i just want to be comfortable and at ease in my body. i wonder if that will ever happen.

many many decades

my dad turned 70 today.

which is kind of crazy. he's starting to look his age. and he keeps falling down (sometimes because of ice, and sometimes because his legs give out). he's need dealing with shingles for a couple months now, but are finally starting to go. he's also lost a lot of weight and is looking frail.

it's interesting seeing your parents age. all things considered, he's doing very well. he is managing his dialysis very well, especially considering it's self-administered. he also does a good job at trying to stay positive.

i was born when my parents were in their early to mid-30s, but only because aware of their age during their 40, which seemed really old back then. it's kind of strange to think those younger versions of them are gone, and they're only going to get older and more frail. i feel a little bit like society does not teach us how to care of elderly parents. but i want to figure out how to do that well, with patience, sympathy and appreciation. because i do appreciate them both.

my best impersonation

i would say, one of the biggest misconceptions about me is that i'm an organized person. i am not. i'm actually quite disorganized and i have to make a great deal of effort to pay attention to details. i make this effort because i get overwhelmed easily and i wear regret like an itchy sweater.

no where is it more evident how unattentive i am to detail is when i'm knitting/crocheting or cooking/baking. in both cases i either don't pay close enough attention or make incorrect assumptions while ignoring the instructions. then i must improvise to correct my mistakes, which sometimes works out, but often times it doesn't (such as our supper tonight).

there are also more important goof-ups. like forgetting to book meeting space before sending an invitation for focus group sessions to 450 people. then scrambling to find available space. or arriving over an hour late for dinner with a full belly to a friend's 30th birthday pizza party.

all that said, i feel like there is a limit to how much to blame i am for my oversights. and i draw the line at buying expired milk at the store. there are a lot of details in the life that i struggle to stay on top of. so if i decide that it's reasonable to trust that a store is not selling sour milk and don't bother to double check the best before date, i'm not going to accept fault for that.

truth be told, i noticed upon arriving home that the best before date was three days ago, but i thought i would improvise and taste it anyway. eamon had been waiting for some homo milk since the previous evening, and i'd made a special stop to pick that up for him. not surprisingly it was indeed past its best.

to add insult to injury, when i drove back to the store to exchange it today, i neglected to ensure that the carton was in a non-spillable position. and as a result of THAT oversight, sour milk leaked all over the passenger seat in my car. 

catch up

that stomach bug really disrupted my good habits. i haven't been eating well. i haven't been writing daily. i haven't been doing my lenten readings. i've been wasting time online. i think it's time to hit the figurative reset button.

SO, let me get caught up.
last thursday...i finished "the women's room". i really enjoyed it. it gave me great pleasure to read about women. even if it was a specific kind of women, and not a particularly diverse selection.

on friday, i took my dad out for dinner to swiss chalet. it's his favourite restaurant. afterwards we went to value village and costco. we had a nice time, and it was the first time that eamon showed excitement in seeing him. my dad turns 70 this friday, and is really looking his age.

on saturday, i decided i wanted brendan, eamon and i to go out to the golden rooster for lunch. during the winter, we've been real home-bodies and i've been starting to develop cabin fever. it was nice to go out and do something normal again. eamon ate really well both at both the golden rooster and swiss chalet (he didn't throw anything or make a big fuss). so i'm encouraged that he'll be alright when we're in the UK.

sunday was a nice slow day at home in sweatpants.

we're leaving for london in two weeks, which feels nutty. last night we set-up eamon's peapod (sleeping tent) inside his crib so he could start getting used to sleeping in it. it was touch and go at first. he was super disoriented and kept waking up and crying. but it made me glad that we're climatising him to it now. eventually he slept alright. i look forward to him getting use to it. it will be so much easier taking that places for him to sleep in, rather than a pack and play.

vinegar

i had this super weird interaction with a stranger today at david's tea. she came up to me and asked me about my stroller. this is not uncommon. for some reason lots of people are interested in it and where i got it, etc. she specifically asked me how much it was (not something anyone has come right out and asked me before), so i told her, and explained about the extra features we got to convert it from a bike trailer into a stroller. she listened and nodded. then eventually she said "i just got a bike trailer at target for $38". not knowing what else to say i responded "wow!" and was sincere about it because that's undoubtedly a bargin. but then had nothing else to say. the lady said nothing else, and walked away.

i felt funny about the interaction, but tried to act normal and friendly when i passed her on my way out the door. but ended up concluding that she purposely came up to me, a complete stranger, to brag about the price she paid for her trailer after specifically checking to make sure i paid more than she did. i felt dumb, but i also felt cheated because i was just being a friendly fellow-mom, and she was setting me up for a competition. i don't partake in "the mommy wars" so i'm not accustomed to that.

part of me feels justified in feeling mad and taken-advantage of. but another part of me feels sorry for her, because she clearly doesn't know how to interact with other people.

tickle

thank goodness, i seem to be feeling better. last evening i did not develop my usual stomach cramps and abdominal pains. phew!

i might be developing a cold now, but that is ok with me. i'd rather have a cold. my left nostril has been super itchy since 3 this morning. i can't tell if it's just that i'm coming down with something, or if its possible that a small spider has crawled up my nasal cavity. is that possible? i don't see why not.

today is one of those days*, so i'm going to have to pull together all my resolve to make the best of it. this is the day i have to work with, so i'm gonna make it my beast of burden.

---

*when i (deeply) wish that my time was my own to spend with my toddler.

that guy

i sure like being married to brendan.

i think he's super smart.

i like watching the beatles anthology with him.

and, i like how nerdy he is about music history.

i can't imagine him with someone his own age.

i don't think many girls his age would 'get' him.

we're really, very well suited.

ironically, as i write this, he's inexplicably listening to "party in the USA".

stupid intestinal bug

so i'm still struggling with bouts of stomach cramps, etc after a week of on and off symptoms. but i'm feeling encouraged because i looked up 'enteric' symptoms, and it said that symptoms can last up to 10 days AND that vomiting is rare (the guys vomited, but i didn't and i was a little confused about that). it seems to me (if the internet can be relied on as good medical advise) that come wednesday, if i'm not fully recovered i should see my doctor and get some antibiotics. hopefully that won't be necessary. i've identified two things to be true...

1) lying down, completely still seems to help my abdominal pains pass

2) i feel the worst after 4. i can go all day feeling alright, but when late afternoon comes i start to feel sick again.

i'm gonna go to bed now and lie still.

storytime

lately i've been second-guessing myself. usually i have good ideas about things, or come up with decent plans, but in the last week or so, my ideas have not been so good or at least are not air-tight. on the bright side, i have brendan who can think about my ideas and tell me if they're bad or decent. 

all that said, things are starting to come together for our trip. it's hard to know what to expect with a toddler, but i'm sure it will be an adventure.

clear the air

there's a man at work this week, visiting from another site apparently, who's sitting in the cubicle beside me. although we're 4 feet apart, and there is a glass barrier between us, i can smell his breath. it's just awful. it seems to fill the air around us, and i can tell you... he needs to floss :S

mother down

i've been MIA lately because i was taken down by a stomach bug that was working its way thru our trio - first eamon, then brendan, lastly me. the guys both vomited, and i didn't. but i feel like mine was bad because it coincided with the arrival of menstrual cramps. anyway, it seems to be gone now, but our appetites having been slow in returning. i mostly feel like i've been kicked in the stomach, which really doesn't make me want to eat.

timing

last night was unpleasant. between me sleeping restlessly, éamon waking and fussing more than usual, and brendan getting up to vomit repeatedly, the whole thing just dragged out.

on another note, sometimes it's hard to please everyone. and while i'm not a people pleaser, it's hard for me to juggle everyone else's preferences when there are reasons outside my control for things unfolding as they do. ugh.

warm

i had two unexpected highlights today.

1) while enjoying a sunny walk with éamon (who was in the backpack carrier), i slipped on some slush and a man who was passing me in the opposite direction managed to grab my hand and help keep me from falling over at the last second. i was nearly on the ground and éamon was calling out in fear, when he caught hold of me. it was a very kind and neighbourly thing to do.

2) scarlete popped in with tala for a quick hello, which turned into a cup of tea. it was nice to catch up, even if just briefly.

hometown

i looked up my grandparents old house on google streetview today. they lived in a small town on the irish sea called st-annes-on-sea. i'm very fond of that town. it's small, and slow paced, but i feel so warmly towards it. sometimes i think about how i'll never again get to go back to that house on gisburn ave, and smell that distinct grandma's house smell. and it makes me sad. i wish we'd lived closer to them. i didn't know my dad's parents, so i really missed out in the grandparent area. i'm really thankful that we live close to our family, and that we get to spend time with our nieces and nephews regularly, and that éamon will know his cousins and grandparents well.

we're going st annes when we're in the UK. i'm excited to return there and to show brendan my home-away-from-home.

things

despite the fact that éamon was vomiting in the night and we went through 3 bed sheets and 4 pairs of pjs, i had a really nice weekend. it seemed to be the right mix of socializing and home-time.

i've been feeling a bit sick to my stomach since the first whiff of his barf, but thankfully i haven't thrown up myself. i spent much of the day with him sitting on my lap while i checked out different hotels in london. we're leaving in less than a month and all the good family-friendly hostels are booked up :S i enjoyed his cuddles. it was a nice change of pace. i don't get to cuddle with him like that as often how that he's a busy, on-the-go toddler.

soothe

i've re-picked up yoga this week on the evenings that brendan works late. it's odd, because i used attend a yoga class every week, but haven't done it since i was pregnant. it's like i even forgot about it. but i concluded that i needed to find a productive way to relax rather than just sitting on my butt (which i do all day anyway). since it's been a while, and i specifically wanted it to help me relax, i found a low-impact 30 minute video that i really like. my body feels good and i feel much more peaceful. this is good. i feel like i'm on the right track.

i'm always feeling like things have turned a corner and i don't feel so overwhelmed by éamon anymore. i THINK it's that he's a little more focused in his exploration, but it might also be that i've adjusted. maybe it's a bit of both.

left and leaving

i super, SUPER hate leaving my crying baby in the morning to go to work.
i hate that i can't stay with him.
i hate that i have to turn and walk away.
i hate that it looks (to him) like i'm choosing something else.
i hate that it's sending the opposite message to what i want to send (one of comfort, care and presence).
i hate that i'm leaving someone i love to go to something that i'm pretty indifferent to.

i remind myself that it won't always be like this. that a time will come when i can stay with him.
but it sucks right now.

supercontinental

i've noticed lately that i've been missing a real sense of restfulness. that's probably the thing i miss most from mat leave. i'd already starting thinking on ways to incorporate rest back into my life when my mom made a comment about her own life "i've become a real slave to my lists. i'm trying to go off list more often". i've too have been using lists a lot lately, in an attempt to help me be productive and effective with my non-work time. but i can see how i'm becoming too rigid and disapproving of myself for napping and doing other restful things. so enough of that. time to find more balance.

delightful

today might have been the first time i've felt like myself all winter. it was my half day today, which allowed me to have a visit with my mom, pick up some lunch on the way home, eat lunch with brendan, have some nice momma+baby time while putting éamon to sleep for his nap, followed by a couple hours of reading on the couch. i had another quick visit with brendan while he came home between the end of work and an evening staff meeting, went for a walk with éamon, picked up a few items from a few stores, grabbed a latte from DT, and had some delicious leftovers for dinner. all the while feeling positive and mentally-healthy.

heathrow

just booked our trip to the UK! we wanted to go in may, but everyone at work had already booked their vacation in may and the end of april. so we're going in early april (5ish weeks!). that'll come fast. so we're suddenly in vacation planning mode :) it's a little stressful but i'll be fun.

taxes

sometimes i'm not great with my spare time. it's unusual for me to have a sunday where we don't have anything on. an unfortunately, i found that i didn't really know what to do with myself. sad really. i think it was partly the weather, and partly that it took éamon two hours to fall asleep for his nap, so i did my free-time activities while he was still awake.

i guess that just happens. sometimes i just get restless and can't identify what it is that would that i should do.

delicious

brendan and i went out for a fancy dinner at chien noir tonight. it's been a while since we had a real date with really good food, so we decided pick a night and go. shannon was able to babysit for us, and it sounds like they had a nice time together. and we had a nice time just the two of us. so a good time was had by all :)

plaid

today was the last day of 90s week on cbc radio 2. i'm going to miss it. before dating brendan, i wouldn't have said i had any kind of affection for the 90s. but it's something he identified about me early on, and i think he might be right.

pilgrimages

yesterday, i was thinking about the time we watched the inks trail, and it rained so jill ended up purchasing a children's size poncho from a local family who lived a long the trail. it made me laugh and smile to think about it.

(after i right this, i'm gonna) sit down (and avoid getting up again)

i am 10 out of 10 tired. today, for the first time since 2013, i consciously felt rushed. this sense of 'i have too little time and too many things i want to do' that seemed endless and unavoidable. that might be the thing i miss most about mat leave. not being rushed, making up for lack of time. at least i saved time by not being online. i feel very immersed in a challenging scenario these days. while i haven't exactly been hiding it, i've felt embarrassed because i don't want people to feel sorry for me, or pity me. i actually think it's more brendan's absence than having a busy toddler (or at least his absence on top of the busy todder). he usually does all the cooking, freeing me up for other things. this afternoon i asked myself "why is this so hard for me? i only have one kid to deal with", but i shouldn't forget that my job consumes the energy of parenting another kid, but the grown-adult babies there are less cute.

just as i arrived at artillery park with éamon today for a swim, i realized that i forgot my wallet at home. i was already exhausted and emotionally worn, and the thought of going home to retrieve it was causing me to reconsider the outing all together. but just then, al walked thru the doors, and he gave me the money i needed. that was a huge help. exactly what i needed in that moment.

what did i know

you know what? i've concluded that one of my most incorrect assumptions as a kid was to think my parents were complete stories. what i mean is, i just assumed they knew everything they were going to know, their believes and views were set, even that their preferences, hobbies and behaviours would never change. i think that's a false assumption about anyone. because we all change and adapt, throughout our lives.

curve

highlight of my day: taking a walk in the sun and hearing éamon "singing" in the stroller as we walked.

lowlight of my day: when the glass dish i was reheating my supper in fell on the ground and broke.

biggest surprise: when i was able to throw together a substitute supper in 15 minutes that turned out super tasty.

cooky

i think it might be time to start growing my hair out.

the problem is that i think i'm going to be disappointed in the outcome.

i wish my hair was thick and full with lots of texture in it.

i wonder if it'll get more coarse as i get older. i've heard before that grey hair is quite wiry.

partly why i'm leaning towards growing it out is because i liked my last haircut so much that i don't want to risk not liking my next one.

breather

before i had a kid, i never had thoughts or made statements like "when i have kids, they won't [this] or they will [that]". partly because one can never know what their kid will do or not do. but i did have hopes or expectations of myself – i think these expectations of myself were more subconscious than anything else. things like "i would this or that". mostly that i wouldn't succumb to certain emotions. but i've been finding lately that my emotions are rather raw and close to the surface. that my tolerance for things like food flinging is very low. it doesn't help that i'm solo-parenting 3 to 4 evenings a week now with brendan's new work schedule so there is very little to balance out my environment. i know well enough that things will even out in time, and that parenting a small child doesn't bring the best out in people. but i want to find a way to navigate this stage with joyfulness and gentleness.

trimming

during the lenten season i'm reducing my computer and internet time. i'm shutting my computer down at 9:30 to allow for some screen-free time before bed and only checking my gmail and facebook once or twice a day (time permitting – and by time i mean éamon. or rather i mean éamon-free time). often times i shut down and then remember that i forgot to jot a short entry. so there will more days of doubling-up, because i'm working towards one little excerpt for each day this year.

trains, trains and trains

this might be hard to believe, but today i edited my very first wikipedia page. it was actually more tricky than i expected and it wasn't very instinctive, but i eventually got the hang of it. my article did get reverted several times before i finally figured out what's allowed and what isn't.

it's extremely satisfying to take something that is poorly written and inaccurate and turn it into something with a better structure and is correct.

cherry blossom

éamon and i went out for a walk to do errands this afternoon. i thought it would take 30-40 minutes but it took an hour. i enjoyed myself. it's been a while, in fact it feels like a long while, since we did errands by foot. i'm looking forward to warmer days, blue skies and sunshine. 

mornings

they say you shouldn't use the snooze button because it messes with your sleep cycles. i don't tend to fall asleep again, i just like to lie in bed all cozy-like just a little longer. 

winter walk

i feel a little bit like i might be having a delayed quarter-life crisis. just wondering a lot about what life's all about, being keenly aware that i'm getting older, etc etc. this is interesting to me that it took til my mid-30s before it kicked in. maybe this is my quarter life and i'll live an unusually long time :p

nothing to worry about. just chewing the fat. thinking things over. david and sue are always talking about life as thirds. i suppose i've still fairly recently started my 2nd third.

ambassador

it may be possible that a sauna is the best antidote to this cold, cold weather.

burnt

i think the fashion design world could learn a lot from maternity clothes. i bought an ingenious pair of cords yesterday from value village. they're actually by reitmans – for their "comfort" line. instead of a zipper and button, they just have a nice, flattering elastic waist, similar to yoga pants or maternity pants, which are both comfortable and don't cause bulges or bumps. i'd gone looking for a pair of light grey cords, but left with these charcoal cords (even though they're almost black and i already have black cords) because they were comfortable and made my butt look good :p i don't know about you, but i find that grey is more casual than black, so i think i'll still plenty of use out of them – try to stop me! they're so comfy and flattering! like liz lemon's jeans (brendan will get that reference if nobody else does).

cupid

it 100% did not occur to me that éamon's classmates would give valentine's cards. sometimes kid-culture has as steep of a learning curve as parenting.

chilly

in another time in my life, going out to a coffee shop to hang out with acquaintances/new friends would've been just a normal thursday night. but being somewhat out of practice with that social custom, i feel really proud of myself this evening. sometimes i have to push myself to not give into the magnetism of an introverted evening at home, because those aren't always what they're cracked up to be –  often times they're just easier. i suppose that doing nothing is ALWAYS easier than doing something. anyway, i gave myself a push tonight, and i'm glad :)

lately i've been noticing that i'm starting to look older than i did.

snip

i've spent a lot of time thinking about éamon's hair. similarly how i'd debate back and forth about my own, i've been caught between should i be trying to shape it or i should just let it grow. i've been wanting to grow it like a surfer dude, but it's just not naturally going that way. also like my own, his hair is flat and limp with almost no natural wave. the top layer seems to be the longest and makes it all sag like a mop-top. in addition to all this, he has two crowns that go in opposite directions, so i thought if he had longer hair it would lie down properly – which has been kind of true. at least true in theory, but not quite as true in reality.

anyways, i tried to give his hair a trim this evening, and it went really badly. i kept cutting in hopes that it might improve if i took a little off here or a little off there, but it just got worse. after consulting with rach, i decided to take him to a hairdresser for a proper cut. it was kind of disappointing to see his long hair be snipped away since getting shorter is the opposite of what i want, but i'm hoping now that he has real layers it will grow in like a surfer dude. i'm sure it will grow fast. it is pretty cute, and i also kind of like the part that sticks up from the double crown.

he did pretty well, but did start crying a lot near the end. she needed to use clippers to hide my hack job. and he's startled by mechanical sounds. all this happened while brendan was at work, so he was quite surprised and a little sad to come home and discover éamon had his first haircut without him.

tissues

i've never been much of a crier. i usually only cry from happy things. but lately, cheesy things shared on facebook (ie women getting new tattoo to cover their old prison tattoos they're ashamed of) makes me all teary-eyed. sheesh! it's embarrassing! brendan came into the room today and asked "what are you watching?" and i had to explain this chinese commerical about this dad working hard to provide for his daughter, and ended up crying again as i re-told it.

i don't know if it's hormones, or if having a kid has softened my outer layer.

i wish that instead of jeans day, we had sweatpants day at work. i'd pay up to $5 for sweatpants day – jeans day costs $2.

pantry

i've started noticing that brendan and i don't really do anything on saturdays anymore. at first i felt like i should feel guilty about missing out on stuff, but i've changed my mind. it's just our life stage. we like to accommodate éamon's naps because we really value the 3 hours of free time at home to get things done or even to do nothing without juggling a busy toddler at the same time. it's like a free time oasis, and it's hard to pass that up.

i think understanding and embracing each life stage helps one appreciate them more. i know we'll once again take advantage of the variety of weekend activities available to us, someday.

OH, MAN!

i had the BEST night's sleep. éamon slept straight through and didn't wake once to nurse. i don't remember when he did that last. lately he's been waiting A LOT (~3 to 5 times a night). i'm so pleased. i could get used to this. 

it's really quite amazing the difference uninterrupted sleep makes. i even woke minutes BEFORE my alarm. 

well... i'm pumped. this is a great start to the day – any day really. 

hope you're having a good morning too!

it's the little things

well, a day of wrestling with the layout of a new brochure gave me victory over spatial challenges once again. HOORAY! #ineededthat

i think i'll mope the rest of the evening

today i failed to get the most out of limited space and it's super disappointing. usually when i make modifications or changes there's a great improvement. this time, it's a worst (or at best a lateral) change.

arches

my feet are bigger than they used to be, or should i say wider. i've heard before that ones feet continues to grow. but i don't think it's just that. my feet swelled up so much during pregnancy, and after that i continued wearing only flipflops for the better part of a year, followed by birks. so all this to say, my old slip-on winter boots do NOT fit anymore.

granola bars

since i was pregnant, i've been saying that éamon's first chore will be feeding the cats. i forgot about it, until saturday. when i watched éamon go over to the tin where we keep the cat food, take a handful and walk over to dump the kibble into the bowl. ever since he's been super into filling their bowls. i like to encourage him by not discouraging him.

today, he got very resourceful (in general, he's showing signs of being particularly crafty and resourceful #toosmartforhismomma) when he took one of the empty bowls, took it to the cat food tin, scooped up the food, then dumped it in the other empty bowl. as much as i'm not ready to have him in and at everything, i really admire his ingenuity :p

back-up

it seems i skipped saturday...

ok. let me think.

have you ever looked forward to something so much that it just couldn't realistically live up to you hopes?

that happened to me on saturday.

$16

do they still make lime tostitos?
i hope they don't. i have a personal bias against them, and i would feel smugly satisfied if they were discontinued.

associations

i don't really notice if someone or something has a distinct scent until i come across that scent out of context. i remember being in an airport en route home from africa and finding that my clothes smelled like kenya. i also didn't realize that éamon's daycare has a distinct scent until i smelled it on his clothes when he got home. today at work, someone smelled like bren. i don't know who it was, but i'd get a whiff of it from time to time and she'd pop into my head. if i had to describe it i'd say that bren smells a little like a subtle laundry detergent and sweet celery. it's a nice smell.

flashback

i recently joined twitter (it's a long story, but it's for work). i follow lonely planet. they have some really neat things on there. today they posted a picture of a dinosaur skeleton with a link to a new story. when i saw that pic, i thought "where is that? i've been there". and could remember a photo of me as a kid beside that dinosaur. so i clicked the link and found that it was in a museum in london. i don't remember the museum by name, but i did go to london as a kid, so we must have gone to that museum. neat!

wednesday wednesday

i heard something interesting on cbc radio yesterday. apparently, one of the differences between being successful or not in different ventures or activities is the word 'yet'. i'm not good at math.... yet. i'm can't sew... yet. i haven't found a job... yet. this makes perfect sense! sometimes it takes time to learn or achieve things, and if we stop short of 'yet', then we're limiting ourselves or giving up. i don't like to be pigeon-holed by traits. they become self-fulfilling prophecies. and i think this it also true of our abilities.

calvin park

after a lot of thought, i'm feeling a lot more peaceful about future stuff.

it's been a long day and i'm exhausted. this evening, we went to the library and i left éamon in my dad's care while i used the washroom. from inside the stall, i could hear his little voice in the lobby by the doors. last week he discovered that the automatic doors open if you walk close to them and found that super fun. i had a sneaking suspicion that my dad was not with him, and was worried he might go outside. so i hurried and sure enough, i found him alone. when i took him back to the play area, my dad was surprised to see him with me and said "i thought he was over there!" (pointing the opposite direction from where we came from). *exhale* i'm just glad he didn't walk out the front door by himself :S

mental forks

i just finished my first crocheted tomato. i think it's a little too red. but what can you do?! i was trying to use yarn i already had. i suppose tomatoes come in a variety of shades.

it's been a bit of an emotional roller coaster today as i thought more about my future career. i find decisions about the future hard because it's impossible to predict undesirable external factors. i actually found the decision to have a baby EXTREMELY difficult. i knew i wanted to have a baby someday. and brendan and i discussed it at length. we were in agreement about having kids. but i was all torn up about when was the right time to start trying. brendan was more like "whatever", but i was constantly thinking "what if [THIS], what if [THAT]". and in hindsight, the timing worked out great. but at the time i actually felt it would be easier to deal with an unexpected pregnancy than to have to own that decision for myself. there have been times that i've hoped that someday i'll get laid off because at least then i wouldn't have to decide for myself.

i don't know why i've been thinking about this so much lately, but i suspect the fact that brendan started a new job today plays a role. if he still wasn't working i'd accept my lot in life much easier. plus, we seem to take turns working :p

pros/cons

i've been thinking a lot this weekend about careers. specifically about what i want to get out of mine. i'm not 100% sure how i feel about judging things based on imagined death-bed reflections, BUT when i imagine my future, i suspect that i'll feel more positive about life lived for others than a life lived for a corporation. now, i don't want to be hard on my corporation, because i think it in particular has some good and redeeming traits. AND i'm inclined to believe that anything done well has value. plus, my corporation has been good to me, and allowed many great opportunities.

all this said, i've been thinking back to my mat leave, about my strong desire to pursue a caring field (such as a non-medical role in the medicine field). i feel some reluctance because "the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know", plus i'm not much of a gambler when it comes to big life decisions. but there are thoughts in my head. and i think they're worth considering and perhaps even worth planning for. not specific plans, just leaving some wiggle room in our future and positioning ourselves for possibilities down the road.

it was my turn

this morning i slept in til 10:30.

it was great.

friday, friday, what to say about friday...

highlights: knowing i was heading into a weekend, the daycare ladies giving me a proper update about éamon's day, picking up some new crochet hooks to make some wool vegetables, and a visit with rach.

lowlights: a slow day at work, in general feeling discouraged about work, and experiencing a touch of seasonal affectiveness disorder.

the same/different.

sometimes i still cry at work.

but now, when i cry, the people around me can see and hear me through the glass partition.

and now when i cry, it's because i'm having a bad day and i just want to be home with my boy. i already miss him, but it just makes it worse.

now when i cry, i wonder "why am i doing this?"

and now when i cry, it's because i feel like i'm trying to figure out a stupid mystery by retracing invisible steps.

now when i cry, i don't even care. i'm just going to keep my head down and go through the motions.

telling myself that "i'm good at my job even if i don't feel that way" is not consoling anymore. and i just want to hear some one say that i'm succeeding at the important job of caring for another human being.

it's hard because i want to just be at home, but i know that if i was at home all the time i wouldn't find it fulfilling. i guess it was just an off day.

in the cellar we call a basement

yet another wednesday of CRAZY productivity. our basement has been in serious need of reorganization. i went down there a couple weeks ago thinking i'd use éamon's nap time as a chance to tackle it, but was quickly overwhelmed. today on the other hand, i just started by moving a few things here and there, and before i knew it it was drastically improved. i even found a box from our 2011 move that wasn't opened yet. i know that they say if you don't open a box for 6 months after you move than you probably don't need what's in it, but i find when i open old boxes i think "HEY! i was wondering what happened to this...". there's still work to be done, boxes to go through, things to move around, but i'll do that next week. and in the meantime, things are greatly improved. i like going down there just to see how orderly it is.

after that, i woke up éamon from his 3 hour nap and took him to artillery park for a swim. it was lovely. i'm looking forward to swimming every wednesday with him. it reminds me of mat leave.

i have a sneaking suspicion that i'll live the rest of my life trying to recreate my mat leave experience.

ironically

in keeping with the comedy of brendan's job situation (technically having three jobs at the moment), he was contacted this evening to interview for a job he applied to in september! hilarious. why do these things happen!?!?! he's going to decline it.

i haven't mentioned this lately, so i feel that i should. i'm really enjoying my book 'the women's room'. it's exactly what i was looking for – a story about women. all the details of their lives, and what makes them all unique and different. it's almost comical that there's no other book like this, because it's almost exactly my experience of women – they're everyday, ordinary lives, their struggles, disappointments, small pleasures. it just goes to show that regular, everyday women are not considered interesting subjects by society, or at least publishers. i think they're wrong.

never knew we were living in the beautiful wild.

chocolate time

i've implemented a mid-afternoon chocolate time. my dad gave me a terry's chocolate orange for christmas, and everyday at 2:00 i eat two slices. it's been lasting a while. i look forward to chocolate time with great anticipation and keep an eye on my watch looking out for it. i discovered today that if i bite small amounts, then suck on the chocolate than it lasts way longer and the chocolate melts in the most delicious way. 

chocolate time might be my highlight of my work day. or at least it's a bright spot that i look forward to on slow, winter afternoons.

crunch

today i was feeling kind of antsy to rearrange some furniture while éamon had a nap. i felt it would give me a bit of freshness during this mid-winter season. but sadly, when i looked at all our rooms, i felt that i've already achieved the ideal arrangement, and any changes i made would be the opposite of an improvement. an unimprovement. a disimprovement. or whatever. so i went for a walk and bought some socks at trailhead for 15% off.

in my spare time today, i actually put on some music and did a crossword* puzzle! it was nice. it's probably been over a decade since i did a crossword puzzle at home. i usually do them while on vacation.

*when i say crossword, i mean a "fill-in". i just say crossword because it has words that cross. and because fill-in just sounds weird – it's too much of a verb to be a noun.

exercise

i'm glad that tomorrow is supposed to be relatively mild because i think i could use some quality outdoors time. today i've been feeling discouraged and overwhelmed with general negative thinking. i heard today that gratitude is proven to make people happier, so while sitting on the couch with b, we took turns saying things we were grateful for. while it was interesting and probably a good practice, it didn't suddenly give me an influx of hope and optimism. all that said, i think i need some good endorphins to chase away some winter blahs.

#lastnight

it always feels like a waste of a friday night when i fall asleep on the couch at 8:00 :S

wet socks

well... i am 10/10 disappointed about target closing. it's my favourite place to buy pajamas and underwear and other general purpose things like that. not only do i like the selection and the prices, i also find the store atmosphere nice and i like the carts. how can i go back to my pre-target days!?!?!

lately éamon cries a lot and wants to be held almost all the time. he even cries when i'm holding him. it's challenging because he cries regardless of what i do. i feel as though he's having some separation anxiety, or simply feeling he's not getting enough time with me, so wants to be held more than usual. or maybe he's just bored. i don't know. this too shall pass. i'll just try to address his needs knowing that he'll gain independence when he feels his needs are met.

still

i had a ridiculously productive afternoon while éamon napped. now that brendan has a job (last day, jan 23. first day of replacement job, jan 26), i have my wednesday afternoons to myself, which means i get a lot more done.

starting next week my boy and i are going to go swimming in the late afternoons on wednesdays. but today we couldn't because we went to meet tiny baby tala :) it was just a short visit because the midwife arrived for a check-up. i have so many questions. i just want to know everything they're thinking and feeling about this new adventure.

it's official!

brendan got the job!! :D :D :D

he is now a new full time facilities support worker at the john howard society in kingston.

he's going to give his notice at the other job tomorrow.

he's currently at his third job (which he'll keep for the time being), so we're going to celebrate tomorrow.

target

i almost never buy new clothes. instead i get previously-enjoyed clothes from thrift stores. so it felt counter intuitive to buy a sweater at target the other day (even though it was 50% off). it's a nice sweater for several reasons, but my favourite thing about it is how long it is. almost none of my sweaters are long enough to be comfortable, and i've kind of resigned myself to the fact that it's hard to find long shirt. but this sweater is an ideal length (goes down past my pockets), and it doesn't feel like a big production with lots of layers to wear. this might completely revolutionize my closet. no more and i tolerating waist-length 'tops'.

brendan finds it strange, even annoying, that women call then 'tops'. i tell him "they're called 'tops' because they're worn on our top", but this rationale does not convince him.

morning star

brendan, shannon, andrew and i went to see 'selma' at a matinee this afternoon. it was really well done, and i can honestly say, i've never cried so much during a movie. it felt really timely.

some of my favourite days are when someone i know has a baby (i was gonna say "some of my favourite days are the ones when babies are born", but then realized that's everyday and i specifically mean babies born to people i know). there's something special and hopeful about the arrival of a new baby.

sack of potatoes

now that it's undeniably winter, i find the nights cold and have been taking a hot water bottle to bed with me. nothing else warms me up.

éamon is an enjoyable little boy, but he's SO busy these days. i usually really like taking him on errands, but today he had me run ragged. he's getting heavy, and every time i put him down he was either running off or grabbing at breakable things. it's an adjustment. 

doormat

there was a significant snow storm during my early morning commute to work.it reminded me of the time that we drove to north bay in a winter storm. considering the road conditions were far from ideal this morning, i wasn't troubled by it in the least. i actually found it quite beautiful. i just took my time and even stopped to get gas (marveling that i didn't think it was possible to fill up my entire gas tank for $38 – amazing!).

brendan had a second interview today for his dream job. things are looking promising.

swimming

sometimes marriage is laughing at your partner's misfortune.

brendan is, in a word, quirky. and some of his quirks amuse me a great deal. i had a good laugh when he told me about his day at work. in his distress he didn't find it as humorous as i did at first, but eventually he cracked a smile and could admit it was pretty funny.

i guess that's what marriage is too. helping one another not take life too seriously sometimes.

a new year's lets-see-what-happens

i usually really like setting new year's goals, but i don't think i'll bother this year. in 2014, i developed two good habits (flossing daily, and doing my dishes right after supper every day) and i didn't have to set them as goals to achieve them. both became important preventative actions. so i don't think i'll set any goals this year and just see what happens naturally. there are times and stages where life propels you, and other times when you propel life.

i'm still battling my cold and my stomach bug. in terms of full health, i would give my stomach an 8 out of 10 and my sinuses a 9 out of 10.

sick day

last evening i was starting to feel a little sick to my stomach. and as usual, i was hoping it might just go away if i lied down for a while. it did not. at 1 am, i was vomiting in the bathroom, which made it official, i had a stomach bug. i don't know about you, but i have this theory that i never feel better than i do minutes after vomiting. i feel physically amazing and emotionally i feel relieved. it's hard to say if it's just the contrast between how i just felt, or it's truly the most euphoric time in my life.

i stayed in bed ALL day except for getting up to make some toast at 11ish. once brendan got home and it was time to pick éamon up at daycare, i had to pull myself together for some solo parenting this evening since b works in napanee on tuesdays. so far it's gone ok. we've spent more time nursing than usual, because it means he'll stay still and i can just laydown. i also had him sit in his highchair for quite an extended period of time. i think i'll put him to bed early. thankfully he's pretty good at entertaining himself these days.

core

i realized today that the taste and texture of pears reminds me of my school yard growing up. not a bad association, just a surprising one.

the next day

well, i put a new contact in this morning and i haven't had any weird repercussions or discomfort. so i think it's safe to assume my contact is lost outside my body somewhere.

my main regret is poking and pinching my eyeball trying to get out a contact that wasn't there.

hiding

aside from not being sure if my body is in the right time-zone (used to waking later and going to bed later), i think i'm ready to return to work tomorrow.

i had an evening shower and afterwards my left contact felt funny. i tried to take it out, but it needed more coaxing, so i thought i'd use some saline solution to loosen it up. all that said, i now can't find my left contact. it's either hiding somewhere in my eye-socket or fell out somehow without me noticing. i'm hoping that it fell out, because i'm getting zero indication that is in my head, and usually when a contact gets lost, it causes irritation. i'm going to bed soon, and in the morning, i'll be in the awkward position of deciding if i should put a new contact in or not, and risk having two in one eye simultaneously.

i'm going to go read in bed with my new book-light until i get drowsy.

ambiguous

i slipped into bed last night, hoping for a good night's sleep that would wash away my cold, and realized i forgot to write about my day. now that it's morning, i'm surprised to say that my cold was actually worse last night than that night before.

anyway, i'm also surprised by the number of people who mistake éamon as a girl. his hair is longer, but it's not long. i'm purposely growing it to be like a surfer's haircut because of his double crown – it's the only way to get it to lie down at the back.

shoelaces

i bought some sweatpants. i haven't had a real pair of sweatpants in several decades. i like them a lot. they've got this weird ornate rabbit on one leg (it's really bizarre – why a rabbit!?!?!?). it's to bad that comfortable clothes are the least flattering. i wish i could be this comfy all the time. in highschool, my friend mandy and i would refer to comfy clothes as being naked with a waistband on.

conjested

i crawled into bed early last night because i've come down with a head cold. it's been a while since i had a cold, and this one was kind of slow in coming because i had cold-like symptoms for 4 days before it really grabbed me. it sucks that i'm sick on my last day of vacation. BUT i suppose i can just take it easy, which will be nice. brendan took éamon to daycare while i slept in. apparently he was extremely excited to be there this morning, which is nice. now i can just lay around in peace. maybe i'll watch a movie. ugh. it's such a beautiful winter day out there :S it sucks being sick on a beautiful day.

highlights from 2014

- this was a year of roadtrips... north bay, philadelphia, cahoots festival, ottawa, quebec city, victoria harbour, and ottawa again.

- this was a year of transitions... back to work, éamon to daycare, brendan getting laid off, brendan looking for work, brendan finding a job (or two?).

- this was a year of taking it easy and learning to be present at home... declining commitments, using my evenings productively, allowing myself to not feel guilty about resting, transitioning into a parent of a toddler.

- this was a year of intention... mindfully making plans with friends, going to bed early, getting babysitters (family, friends and a teenager) so brendan and i could go out and not miss out on stuff.

- this was a year of new favourite things... loose-leaf tea, long walks, swimming lessons, making soup, cbc radio, baking for pleasure and naps.

this was a year of new experiences (good and bad) that has marinated me and brought out hidden abilities, desires and character i didn't know was lurking under the surface. i know i'm different, more aged and experienced than i used to be, and i feel pretty comfortable about who i am at 35.

knots

after being on the job market for four months, b was offered a job and accepted it. he's supposed to start on monday, except... today he was called to interview for a job he applied for before the other job offer at his ideal social service agency in town. ugh. why does life throw these curve balls?!?!

i thought this might happen. aye-yi-yi...

glebe

we took a roadtrip to ottawa today for a few errands. while we were there, brendan wanted to visit this guitar shop he'd heard about. éamon had just fallen asleep for his afternoon nap, so i had to stay in the car while brendan went in the store. which was too bad since i like watching brendan nerd out about guitars, but i was content to stay put. 25 minutes or more passed before brendan returned. he was utterly glowing and was so enamored that he couldn't speak for at least 15 minutes. i knew that something significant had just happened in that store – it made the highlight of my day (buying a new slipcover for my couch) seem VERY bland indeed.

women & women first

"She turned to literature. She looked for books about adolescents, books she could find herself and her problems in. There were none. She read every thin, saccharine "girl's book" she could find, and gave up. She began to read trashy novels, anything she could find in the library that looked as if it were about women."
- The Women's Room

lately, i've felt a strong desire to read books about female protagonists. books about women. ideally books about women that are not romances. basically books that i can relate to. books with storylines that i can connect with. i've been surprised to discover that i've already gobbled up many of the "top" books about women – i thought i'd only scratched the surface. i'm honestly shocked to find that were aren't a ton of books about women. half the population are women. half of authors are women. why can't i go into any book store and easily find half the books about women. it's disappointing and frustrating.

i came across a list of the top ten books that "changed how we feel about being a woman" and discovered The Women's Room. i downloaded the preview before i decided to buy it. i was starting to get into it when i came across the above segment. it seems i'm not the first person to crave books about women.

triumph

for several weeks now, we've been trying to fix our toilet seat. it was loose and when brendan tried to tighten it, he found that the screwed had become rusty. soon the screws were stripped and we tried a half-dozen things to get those damn nuts off. nothing worked. it really irritated my mind, knowing there was this small task that i couldn't accomplish and move on from. very annoying. BUT, thank goodness, tonight we got it off. we bought a keyhole hacksaw and took turns hacking away at it. i feel oddly relieved and very satisfied to have that annoyance behind me. we have one mighty sturdy toilet seat now!

boxing day

i'm not a naturally organized person, and i'm not compelled to create order from chaos, but sorting out gifts (swopping out existing stuff with new stuff) and unpacking our duffel bag this afternoon, felt good. i probably set a personal record for prompt organization (i often continue to live out of a suitcase for several weeks after returning home).

xmas day

i'm so very grateful for my extended family. we have a sleepover together every year and it fills our love-tanks and gives us memories of quality time together. sometime i'll be especially thankful for down the road when my nieces and nephews are bigger.

xmas eve

to conclude a day of carrot soup, lego board games, gifts, cousins playing together and carols... éamon pooped in the tub.

AND I'M BACK...

beckie and i were out today doing some downtown errands and drinking hot beverages. while we were out, i came across a 5-year diary that left enough space for a couple sentences about each day. i thought "that's great! i'd love to do that". i like having a record of what i did each day. i considered buying it for a minute or two, then i realized... I HAVE A BLOG! duh!

so i'm going to change the format of my blog (which is clearly unsustainable in it's past format), to a quick, simple, daily approach. unless there's something i have a lot to say about.

--

so to get the ball rolling....
i bought éamon a toddler-sized broom today and he loves it :) maybe it create positive associations with household chores.

thrones

i don't know if its the season, the weather, the fact that i'm drawing close to vacation time or because i haven't been outside much lately, but i've been feeling quite anxious. i'm also feeling unsettled in my heart about current conversations at next.

in november, eamon's moved up to the toddler room at daycare, which means we have a more flexible daycare schedule. he now goes 4 days a week and goes to my mom's on wednesday mornings. i bring him with me when i leave at 6:30. i take him straight out of bed, put him in his snowsuit and pop him in the car. when we get to my mom's, she feeds him breakfast and gives him a bath in her bathtub (this is a treat since we don't have a bathtub at home). i work til 11, then pick him up on my way home. it's a nice new system. it also gives me a chance to have a visit with my mom and sometimes i stay for lunch. i'm really thankful that they get this time together, i think it's special for both of them.

brendan had a job interview on friday, and afterwards felt really pumped about it. he clearly really connected with the interviewers. they checked his references on monday and called him on tuesday to give him good news and bad news. the bad news was that they weren't going to offer him the job, but the good news was that they'd like to give him a different job. they'd like to give him a more challenging job with more responsibility, plus it's regular 9-5 weekday hours. basically, they think he's over qualified for the job he applied for, and said they are not accustomed to getting such a high caliber candidate for that type of job. the only problem is that there isn't a position open right now. so they'll keep his resume and be in touch when they're hiring for this other department. i have mixed feelings because it's wonderful news that they thought he was so amazing and that there's a possible opportunity, BUT at the same time, it might not turn into anything. i think they're equally frustrated because they're worried he's going to get snapped up by another agency in the meantime. the funny thing is that these other agencies don't even consider him because he doesn't have a degree, which is why he's forced to apply for jobs at the bottom of the social work ladder. he's very smart, he's very socially-aware, he's very experienced (compared to his contemporaries), he's very skilled. i think all these agencies who are screening him out are stupid for missing out on a good candidate.

maybe this is also affecting my anxiousness. or maybe it's just PMS. for a while after eamon was born, i didn't get PMS, but i think it's slowly creeping back.

man, i need to do something to interrupt this funk.

if i stay here, trouble will find me.