toes

sometimes when several days go by between entries i don't know where to start or what to say. there's obviously a lot to say and i don't know where to begin other than... i'm having a very nice time, it's been really relaxing and enjoyable. we've been cross-country skiing a couple times, i've been on a ski-doo ride around the fjord, we sat in a real-live igloo, we've been to several dinner parties. we've also chilled, i've been reading, knitting and watching movies. very relaxing :)

the artic is extremely beautiful. it's vast and dominating. i look up at the mountains or across the fjord and realize how tiny i am in comparison. everything has the illusion of being small (or at least not humongous) when actually they're deceivingly large.

i like being exposed to this other side of canada. part of me feels like i'm seeing my country for the first time. this is what the rest of the world imagines when they think of canada, it almost feels like my part of it isn't actually it's true self. i also like seeing this part of beckie's life. i've heard so much about it for the last year & a half, and now i get to see the things, and meet the people, she's been talking about. there's definitely part of me that understands her draw to this place.

one of my favourite things about my time in iqaluit was waking up each day thinking "maybe this is the day i'll make it to pang". actually, that thought existed for two days previous to iqaluit, however, there's something amazing and lovely about beginning each day with a new sense of hope. to breathe in and out the aura of possibility. how wonderful, regardless of how painfully frustrating it can be.

i love beckie's dogs. and i love that they remember me and jumped around in excitement when i arrived.

i don't think this entry does anything justice. similar to the photos i've taken, they just don't fully represent magnitude their subjects.

we will never grow cold only taciturn.

hurray!

i'm here!
i made it!

hold-steady

this is day two of me being alone in the artic. i got up early this morning to walk down to the airport to put my name on the standby list, and there were TWO people already on the list before me. so i was third out of 17 which isn't bad but not good. i spoke with the manager about them providing a charter trip thru a small plane company, she talked to them about it and they're trying to get that arranged for tomorrow morning. so hopefully, i'll either get on tomorrow's regular flight to pang via the standby list, or will make it there on a charter flight. HERE'S HOPING! keep your fingers crossed...

you know, i find it bizarre that we keep our fingers crossed to wish other people luck and cross our fingers to tell a lie. strange.

well i've finished one book and almost finished a second one. good thing i brought so much reading material, i almost didn't, it seemed a little excessive since i was going to be busy doing lots of cool things :p right now i'm reading "at a loss for words" by diane schoemperlen. i love her books, she write in such a personal manner. she write such mundane details that just fascinate me. actually, i find her writing style very similar to my own. this book has no character names, much like a story i wrote for hatch once.

the food, along with everything else in iqaluit, is extremely expensive so i can barely afford dinner with the 25 dollar voucher they gave me.

after lunch i visited the nunavut legislature and an art gallery. i walked to one of the highest points on iqaluit to over look the city. as irony would have it, my walk coincided with watching the plane to pang take off. i watched it go, feeling remorseful, but after that brief moment i told myself "chin up and carry on". and i did. my favourite part of my walk was when i passed a house that had a polar bear skin drying on a stand in the driveway. i'm SO not in kingston anymore.

i've been taking a lot of photos and went to a little cafe called "fantasy palace" which beckie and i agree sounds like a strip club - but it isn't. i haven't taken any photos of my hotel room, i realized that i've been fortunate enough to stay in several nice hotels in recent years (usually on company dollar, but now also on first air's), and the novelty of it has worn off. i like these hotels and i'm very thankfully and i kind of like that i've grown so accustomed to these hotels that they feel comfortable and old-hat.

it feels funny being a minorty in canada, funny in a good way. i'm a little self-conscious of being a white girl, i'm clearly not from around here.

well i'm gonna head out to north-mart now and by some snacks for my evening in watching satellite tv in my room. all in all, this has not been my worst vacation, i'm enjoying this trip regardless of the mishap.

frobisher

my flight got further delayed yesterday, approximately 3 times. then when we finally boarded, we waited about 20 minutes before they announced that there was a mechanical problem with the left engine and the flight was cancelled, and we all had to disembark. i was obviously upset, but i tried to remain calm and not panic about the large sum of money i'd dropped on a non-refundable ticket. thankfully, they put me up for the night in ottawa in the best western victoria suites, paid for my dinner and my taxi from and to the airport, AND booked me on this morning's flight. SO after muchado, i am currently IN nunavut, IN iqaluit, IN the public library. AND in quite good spirits. i discovered thru this what a calm and laid back person i am. TRUE i very reactionary, but that's because i'm dramatic. BUT regardless of that, i'm pretty chilled and i go with the flow quite easily. i concluded that being upset or angry about it wasn't going to help anything, and they'd done their best to provide for my needs, which i really appreciated, and so i was going to make the most of it. besides, i'd rather have the flight cancelled than take off in a faulty plane.

plus, this is my year of doing things i've never done before, and i'd never had a flight cancelled before, so that's something to scratch off my list.

while i was at the airport yesterday i got a 10-minute manicure. i'd never had a manicure before. i got dark brown nail polish. i feel swanky (even though having dark nails kind of weirds me out). another first :)

so, now for the bad news... i'm on stand-by tomorrow (along with another 10 people), and stand-by on friday, but booked for saturday. SO i may be looking at another 3 days in iqaluit, and honestly, after going to the museum and the visitor's centre, i'm pretty sure i've done everything in town, so i'd REALLY like to get out of here tomorrow. i'd appreciate it if you guys could pray about that for me.

it's pretty beautiful here and i'm enjoying wearing my snowpants. as i walked along the sunny sidewalk i was smiling so much my face hurt. i'm pretty lucky to be here, and i know that. i'm going to enjoy my stay, i just hope it's not very long.

i feel like i'm in another country. it's cool.

earl grey

well... my flight has been delayed until early afternoon so we're not leaving for ottawa until tomorrow morning. we were all set, ready to go, when i decided to check my voicemail messages. i'm so glad i did because there was one from the airline telling me about the delay. i was a TINY bit disappointed because i was in go mode, but it's ok because i'm saving money by staying at home tonight and i like sleeping in my own bed. this sort of thing has happened to me a lot so i wasn't surprised. last time i went to the UK my flight was delayed 24 hours.

i haven't much to say really other than that, so i'm going to go to bed.

open your eyes,
put it in drive,
get on the road and just go.

indeed

before 8 am this morning, i'd done three things i'd never done before: 1) go to a sunrise easter service, 2) see the sunrise, 3) make coffee. i'd never made coffee before!?!?! and i did a good job! i had to ground the beans and everything!!!! :D

i originally didn't want to go to the sunrise service, i'm not a morning person and the thought of getting up, to be at murney's tower for 6:15 made me a little ill. however, i decided that when i look back i won't remember yet another sleep-in, but i will remember the sunrise easter service. i'm really glad i went, it was really phenomenal. chelsea and i spent yesterday baking for the after-service breakfast. i was the sou chef to her chefness. it was fun.

i head out tomorrow on yet another adventure. i'm really excited. adventure is good for my soul. i have to work in the day time, then my dad is giving me a drive to ottawa and i'll get a motel, then catch my flight early tuesday morning. i don't know if i'll blog while i'm away. i'll have internet access at beck's place, but i think i'll limit my computer usage and make the most of my time there, or at least make the most of my relaxation-time. i usually don't miss the internet while i'm away from it. besides, i'm taking 4 books that i want to read, some knitting and crocheting.

using google earth, i'd like to show you were i'm going.
first of all, on this image you'll notice beside greenland a red square, this indicates where i'm going.

lastly, this view is a close-up of beckie's town
(please note: this time of year, all the water – fjord –
is frozen so it'll be different than this image)
for actual photos, i'd like to refer you to the flickr account
of miss devious stares herself.

while i'm away basia bulat is coming to ktown. i'm very disappointed to be missing her show. if anyone of you go, could you please pick me up a copy of her cd? i'll pay you back.

even if you cannot hear my voice
i'll be right beside you dear

heist

it was cold. we stood around in the park in the dark. we walked sometimes too. he tied a string to my finger to remind me that i'll forget. too often i forget. too quickly i forget. i hate that i forget, that i'm so temperamental.

i am not invisible. i am sometimes the darkness, but i am not unseen. i am known. each and every part of me. i forget this too. my brain is just so cluttered that the most basic and essential things get pushed out.

may i no longer be distracted.

you've been the only thing that's right in all i've done.

elvis

i had the most hilarious conversation with joelle last night (she's 4 and a half – keep this in mind). totally out of the blue....
joelle: auntie lesley.... why don't you marry granddad?
auntie lesley: hahaha, joelle, granddad is my dad. i can't marry my dad!
joelle: well.... who are you going to marry when you grow-up?
auntie lesley: i haven't decided yet. hahahaha
oh my goodness, that totally cracked me up. haha. she's clearly grasping SOME concepts of marriage, but doesn't fully understand it. my favourite part was the "when you grow-up" bit. i love that i don't seem like a grown-up to her, because i don't feel like one.

i'm a rubik's cube.

what time has taken,
passion has kept.

icy

well, in keeping with my year of doing things i've never done before, i went to taco bell for lunch. i'd never been there before. however, after doing so, i concluded that it was something i could've done without. BUT it's done nonetheless and now i know so i feel good about that. yay for doing new things!

i love keeping secrets. i can feel them in my mouth when i hold my tongue. it's extremely satisfying.

i've realized something. i'm a pretty typical youngest sibling, that's shaped me more than i knew. i'm a strong willed girl who learned to keep the peace by being compliant with her older and also strong willed sister. joy thanked me tonight for being so accommodating as a kid and apologized for being so bossy. i think having her always there to take care of me developed an expectation and desire to be taken care of. which is kind of a relief to understand about myself. it bothers me that it's such an uphill battle for me to take care of myself, but that's because i'm so not used to it! i was a tiny bit spoiled that way. i'm the youngest daughter, but in some senses i was the only child in a two parent family.

some things are better left unsaid,
but they still turn me inside out.

picture

i stayed home sick today. my stomach has been bothering me since yesterday afternoon and i felt on the verge of throwing up when my alarm went off. it's been a quiet day of knitting, watching the t.v. and reading my post secret book. late afternoon i decided i would watch elizabethtown. i love that movie. it made me smile a lot, i especially like the scenes of him in the car, because i totally do that. i used to hate being sick all alone, it felt weird and isolating, but not anymore, i've gotten used to it.

i did think of something to send in to post secret, but i'm not gonna. putting it in writing only makes it real and i want some day for it not to be. i'm not going to cement it into my life in that way. reading my post secret book made me realize something; it's not what we regret when we die that matters, because when we die nothing will matter. it's what we regret while we live that's important. and right now.... i regret nothing.

she finally understands what i've been feeling all these years. she saw it with her own eyes. in a way it's nice to be validated, but at the same time... it validates it, which is harder than believing it's all in my head.

i dreamt about crocheting last night. when i woke up i decided that after i knit my shrug (and possibly a pair of sox if i decide i just need an easy portable knitting project for the north), that i'm going to crochet something. perhaps an afghan. or what's another easy project?

those who risk... win.

robot

it's bittersweet.

ahhh! the count-down is on! i leave in one week today! i swear the arctic is going to melt as soon as i get there from all the hot pink. along with my hot pink long-johns, and my hot pint snow pants, frank has lent me a hot pink winter sleeping bag that belonged to his daughter and she only used twice. i'm really excited because beckie's suggested we go winter camping! and i've never been winter camping before. there is a good reason for that... i've never wanted to do it before, however i'm pretty much up for anything these days and i'm uber excited. i'm thinking about getting a big sheet of chart paper and sticking it up on my wall of things to do, then crossing them off as i complete them. nah, not really, but that would be funny to me. anyways, back to the winter camping topic... i have a really small bladder and i'm not exactly sure what a person does when she's camping in -40º weather and has to pee. well i guess i'll find out. i'm not one to shy away from a challenge, well at least i'm not usually. i'm pretty determined when i put my mind to something.

oh my goodness, i can't believe i'm excited about going someplace SO COLD! i'm excited about seeing beck too, that's definitely part of it. and the elation of not being at work.

i realized today that i haven't been tobogganing in 10 years. my parents still talk about the time when i almost died while sledding. "hey jan... do you remember the time...." haha. i remember that incident, but it's much different in my recollection.

i walked to the post-office this evening to mail out a copy of hatch. when i was there i laid the latest issue on the counter as i addressed the envelope. after i paid, i remembered that the guy who works at the post-office (the same guy who served me) was the poor owner of the car on fire on the cover of the winter edition. i hope he didn't recognize the photo! poor guy!

when my soul was in the lost-and-found
you came along to claim it.

lick

rach was telling us a story tonight at living room and someone, i don't remember who said "wow, he sounds very dramantic" i totally love that word! dramantic! it's excellent. i'm gonna stick that one in my pocket, it'll come in handy a lot. i'm a dramantic person for sure.

kate tells me i'm deranged. i just may be.

david was in town and i spent a very lovely (but short) afternoon with him. it was really nice to see him, it was the first opportunity since november, which is why he only gave me my birthday gift today. it's actually closer to his birthday than mine! he gave me a copy of the post secret book. which is awesome because he knows how much i love postcards and secrets :p i'm tempted to go read it in a nice relaxing bath, i wonder if i'd drop it in the water. i don't wanna take that chance. that's a picture of me and him if you haven't already figured that out.

sometimes i wish i had a confession to reveal on post secret but i just can't think of anything.

it doesn't matter what any of us is looking for,
we'll never find it, because it's not even there.

subtle teas

i accidentally vacuumed up a lighter.

i'm right in the middle. however, i don't think i fully grasp it.

while i sat in the goat this afternoon i was forced to listen to some young early 20s girls talking. it was distracting because they were loud, but i was astounded by what they were saying. i felt embarrassed for them. i was struck by how they seemed to truly believe what they were saying a new concept, completely original and everyone else is so stupid. even though i'm only about half a decade older than them, they seemed so young. i remember being that young, that bright-eyed, thinking i had everything figured out. the older people get the less they know – i'd like to see those girls in 5 years time.

i guess sometimes i forget.

i love the ginsu knives, i love the garden gnomes,
i love the way the people decorate their homes.
i love the ovens and the casseroles they bake,
i love the things that people make.

sharp

hot pink! everything is hot pink.

after going to several stores i managed to find the only and only pair of long-johns left in this city. the were only 3 dollars at giant tiger (score!) and they're hot pink (right on!). but... it doesn't end there... i proceeded to go to value village and found an awesome pair of hot pink snow pants! hurray! i'm so pleased. i'll be able to use them when i go skiing next year :( david can't do skiing this weekend, but he's going to be in town so i get to see him anyways, so i'm happy about that at least. oh well, my dreams of going skiing this annum have disintegrated, but that's ok because march will be a month of lots of cool & exciting things. like hot pink underclothes.

i think it's really funny that bowling balls are not permitted as carry-on luggage. but thankfully parachutes are. ref

you try making me wait,
but it feels alright as long as something's happening.

snowpants

it never occurred to me that my decisions that have been different to hers were perceived as a direct insult. i can't even fathom how she came to that conclusion. it's not that those choices aren't good enough for me, it's just that i'm different. i'm sad that she misunderstood me, but sometimes an apology just makes things worse. they can be more hurtful. i don't know how to mend the damage.

my mom, on the other hand, is more like me than she realized. we are in fact cut from the same cloth. we are souvenirs of the same experiences in a different order. i slipped and fell on the ice in front of her house. my laundry basket fell from my arms and my balled-up sox rolled all over the road. from her front window she watched me fall, and came out to help me. i skinned my knee. i scraped my hand. my mom helped put me back on my feet again in more ways than one.

whatever differences our lives have been
we together make a limb.

less

there's a lot to be done in the next two weeks. and i get overwhelmed easily. i cherished this evening as my only free night until next week when i'll get another before loads of more busy nights.

his thick american accent made it difficult to understand what he was saying. he made me blush repeatedly. i hate that.

i'm really hoping that they'll do away with daylight savings time. they don't have it in saskatchewan or cuba, so why not do away with it here too! on saturday night jo and i enjoyed a lovely evening at the butlers. i hadn't seen them since december, it was really great hanging out with them. i appreciate the open invitation to crash their place any time. i didn't get home until 1 am, which turned out to be 2 am. stupid changing the clocks. like really, is it actually necessary? we only did it for about 3 and a bit months, why bother.

some day i'll look back and think how incredibly young and stupid i am right now. and how i thought i was getting "so old".

i think i'm suffocating.

i might make it and when i do i might grow up a little bit.

vanishing

man, this day was all over the charts, but thankfully it ended on a good note.

i went to my second bored meeting tonight, this time i was the only girl because the others were away. i loved that at one point i got all chocked up in a room of 6 men and had to explain that i'm pmsing & really emotional right now. hahaha. they were really good about it, as i expected or i wouldn't have told them that. my display of estrogen definitely made up for the lack of other women. haha. however, i must admit something must be done about my pms prompted mood-swings. does anyone know of any kind of herbal teas or something that can help mitigate them? i'm not sure if they're more sever than other girls, but i'm a very emotionally charged person, i feel everything deeply and i'm usually quite impassioned, so i'm sure that plays a role in my pms.

i went to get my taxes done today. i love getting my taxes done, it's fun :) i really like my accountant, he kind of reminds me of harold from "the red green show". i've decided that i'm going to buy a dvd player with my some of my return. i do have a dvd player in my computer, but my bedroom set-up isn't very conducive to having guest for movie watching. and well even tho i don't like buying things i don't need but i can justify it when i've come into some money.

I'M GETTING REALLY EXCITED! i leave for vacation in 2 weeks today! kind of funny tho that the place i'm vacationing was -27º today :p

i got an email from a friend today that she'd sent to a bunch of people asking everyone to describe her in one word. it was kind of neat. i thought of doing it too, but instead, by way of this story, i'm asking you to post one word that describes me in the comments section. and in return i'll post one word for you! deal?

all you see is where else you could be.

charge

chivalry is not dead, it's just rare. and a girl cannot count on it being there when she needs some help. i hate shoveling. it's hard work for the best of them, but especially hard for me because i'm not very strong. i'm not a small girl, nor am i particularly delicate, but i'm not big and i'm not sturdy, which makes shoveling extra hard.

i didn't want to do it, but there are things i hate doing that have to get done and i need to be able to do it. i need to rise to the challenge and be equipped to take care of myself. i did manage to shovel my driveway all by myself. here's pic. unfortunately it's not as impressive as it actually was. although, my snow bank is higher than my car. i feel pretty proud of myself, and no doubt i'll feel sore tomorrow.

the other night after storytellers garry and todd offered to push my car out of the snow pile. i kept insisting that i didn't need their help, it must have been annoying and very snotty of me. i did appreciate the offer, but i need to be able to get out of those situations on my own. i guess i should have just told them that instead of declaring i was accepting their help against my will. man, it's scary when i think of the difference between my intent and my behaviour. i wish my mind was more transparent.

while i had my camera out i took this photo of my bruised arm. it doesn't look as awesome as it does in person, but i thought i'd just snap a picture anyway. there's some foreshortening going on here. i swear my arm is longer.

i'm torn between two train of thoughts. i'm so confused and i don't know where i'll land. am i more or less capable than i think i am? am i going to be ok or not? am i lonely or do i have too many people in my life? should i get housemates eventually or should i always live alone? should i cut my hair or keep growing it? i just don't know anything anymore. oh give me something i know unswervingly.

i'm really not a bad person.

i always lose in the end.

do you know what it feels like in this world for a girl.

chopper

i was chatting with rach today at michelle's pampered chef party about something i realized most people don't know/understand about me: i'm SHY!

i know most people don't realize this about me because for all appearances i don't seem to be shy, but i am. the thing is, i'm well practiced at social interaction. i can typically make conversation with just about anyone, i can talk an ear off any ole stranger, but it's not because it comes naturally to me. it's actually quite hard! i usually ramble when i feel most uncomfortable, it masks my insecurities. this can also give the wrong impression that i'm not shy.

shyness has and will remain to be one of my biggest hurdles. a lot of my past decision were made directly or indirectly because of it. part of me is afraid that i'll live in kingston my entire life because my last experience of moving away was so painful. don't get me wrong, i love kingston, but i don't want to live here only because i'm too shy to go some place else. there are so many things i wish i could go back and change, and i'm afraid i'll regret some of the decisions i'm currently making. i'm missing out on the things i want to be doing.

so when i'm weird, awkward, clumsy, tense, or inappropriate, if i skip out on social events or chicken out of activities, please excuse me. because i'm already feeling terrible about it.

my internet is wonky today. i think it's from the bad weather.

it's been a long long winter,
don't remember them this cold.

guacamole

i think perhaps i think too much.

there are things i want to say to you.

like.

i'm the worst pet-sitter ever. i feel especially guilty because rhonda gave me this really cool book for taking care of her dog.

i'm very excited because melissa asked me to make her another mixed cd :D

other stuff.

i'm trying to figure out who i am,
but there's no hand to hold.