moo cow

this has been a long day. i can't even believe that this morning i was at next. i experience this sensation usually when vacationing, or when a lot of variety has filled one day, so i'm quite surprised that i'm feeling this way on a regular sunday.

i went for a long bike ride today around town. when i got home i was dripping from sweat and decided to go over to leo lafleur across the street. it cost $4.15, so i really wanted to make the most of it and stayed in the water way longer than i wanted to. then i laid on the pool deck in the sun, i think i dozed off because i woke up feeling really peaceful. i got home just in time to get redressed and comb my hair before heading over to michelle's place for dinner. then later to the butlers place. it was really nice. bob was a prime example about how i can make people laugh purely thru my story delivery and not from the content.

i was thinking today about how one time i was rambling to david about my name – if i married someone with the last name lesley, i would just go by "lesley" and not "lesley lesley". he suggested "lesley²" but i told him "no, i've already thought of that and have decided against it. seriously, i've put a lot of thought into this" and he said "of course you have. you put a lot of thought into everything". hm. it's true, i think about everything to great depths, and i wonder if that's a huge problem. perhaps i shouldn't think so much and just do. but really, i don't think i overthink things because of worry or fret. i think about everything very throughly because i like to, and quite honestly because i haven't got anything else to think about. i wonder what other people spend their time thinking about. notice how this paragraph started as "i was thinking...". tell me what consumes YOUR mind most of the time?

i had some pepsi at michelle's tonight. it was the first time i've had caffeine in a month. i'm totally awake. i think i'll be a while before i get drowsy, which is fine because i DON'T have to go to work tomorrow :D

i need a new beginning.

N18

obviously it's difficult for me to explain what's going on inside my head/being when i myself don't have a firm grasp of it. but somehow, defining myself as an introvert has really helped me see myself in focus – recognizing a lot of my behaviour (past & present) to be the result of my introverted nature. anyways, today i realized the reason why i celebrate doing new things or hard things so much is because the fact that i've done anything is a huge achievement. i LOVE doing things, but am held back by my reserved side. there are so many thing i wish i've done differently in my life that now i'm trying to live in such a way that i don't regret anything. for example, this afternoon i went to see "anne & gilbert" by myself to a matinee show because i couldn't find anyone to go with. i missed seeing that play last year, and i'd be damned if i'd let myself miss out because i didn't have a comrade to go with. it was ok, the role of gilbert was weak, but i had a really good seat and i'm proud of myself for going and for having a nice time. yay for les! maybe i'm babystepping my way to boldness. today the grand theatre, tomorrow the world :p

someone told me the other day "oh, you're such a funny girl", but i can't peg down what kind of funny i am! i can get some good laughs out of people, but it's usually the result of my satirical theatrics. my overdramatics or utter randomness. but regardless, i don't suppose it matters that i'm not your typical joke-cracking girl with a quick comeback or witty anedote. i like getting people to laugh at me, i enjoy it a great deal.

faith does not grow in a house of certainty.

badger

you know what the funny thing about moms is? that they know things about their kids that the kids don't know about themselves. i was talking with my very own mom today and she said a couple very insightful things that i didn't know about myself. first of all, she said "as much as you like to think you aren't, you're actually a lot more conservative then you think. it's because of your upbringing". i was really surprised to hear this. not that i think i'm some kind of radical or anything, but i don't recall ever being called conservative in my life. she went on to say that i'm very organized – which shocked me even more because i've always been the unorganized chaotic one in my family, and well i suppose i am compared to the rest of our clan. i got thinking about what conservative means, and specifically about what i was meaning when i called beckie a conservative driver. basically, i was meaning she's a cautious driver, calculated and moderate. when i thought of it that way, i suppose i could honestly use those three adjectives to describe myself (although, they wouldn't be my first choice, or even in my top ten). the other thing that stood out to me from my conversation with my mom was, i said to her "i really don't like being outside my comfort-zone", and she said very sarcastically "noooo.... reaaallllyyyy?? hm, i didn't know that about myself until i said it, but it seemed pretty darn obvious to her! funny. well, it was good to realize and i'll have to keep this in mind as i go forward and make some decisions about my future. basically, the one key thing i've discovered is that i don't actually WANT to do anything – including not wanting to do nothing. which is quite the conundrum. and well, that shows me that i can't just go with my gut because it'll tell me 'NO' every time.

i think what it comes down to is i'm an introverted extrovert. i'm an introvert who's taught herself how to interact with strangers and acquaintances, and how to make conversation. once i get to know someone i'm extremely extroverted and boisterous. but ultimately, i'm a very shy and it inhibits me far more than anyone knows. keep in mind, there's a huge difference between a quiet person and a shy person. i'm LOUD and shy, but my volume doesn't make me less awkward, it only masks it. that's why i love extroverts so much, because they're easy to be around and they're everything i'm not.

you know what? i don't want to make a decision. i just want life to be easy and things to fall into place for me. i realize it doesn't work that way, and i shouldn't even wish for such things, but i do. i'm just being honest.

if this is the life
why does it feel so good to die today?

pragmatic

i was at brenda's place for dinner the other night, and she lent me a book called the shack. i sped thru it during my two days off work sick. it's a beautiful story of a man who's experienced significant tragedy then several years later met up with God in a shack – literary (the trinity: father, son and spirit). it reminds me a lot of our lady of the lost and found (where mother mary came to stay with a woman for a month or so). it's been really neat seeing how God interacts with this man and it tackles some pretty challenging questions. it's just really lovely, and it makes me smile from ear to ear and beam a little bit. i'm not done yet, mostly because i'm pacing myself. i have to admit, the first part about the tragedy was quite detailed and i found it tiny bit unsettling. but that's just me, i think bren found it very captivating.

katie and chris from downstairs are moving out as i write. i like them, i'll miss having them around. i hope the new people are half as good – i don't even bother hoping they'll be AS good, because katie and chris were pretty nice. but i suppose everyone is different, and the new people will probably be nice in different ways. i assume it's a couple. it's a very coupleish apartment, very well suited to young couples not quite ready for their own home. it gives them enough of responsibility to get their feet wet – they mow the lawn, tend the garden and shovel the driveway.

i'm going to get into my pjs and read. i'm still sick and my resilience is down. i'm excited about tomorrow, ferrence is going to wear his new hawaiian shirt to work. it should be very entertaining.

i've got nowhere to go, so move
don't move so slow, i can't take it

expiration date

i slept late today due to my cold. when i woke up, i laid in bed for a while thinking, and felt pressed by the question "maybe it's time to move on?". i don't particularly want to leave kingston, but i would for the right reason. i definitely don't like the idea of moving for no purpose whatsoever. i think the greatest question is am i taking enough risks? and truly i'm not, i don't think i'm taking any risks at all. i like the idea of stepping out boldly and having a rewarding result. i want a life changing experience because i feel i've got the most i can out of my current state. and really, living here year after year, working at the same job, participating at the same church, doing all the same things, will just produce the same results. so... i feel like i'm reaching a crossroads. i need to decide what to do, because i don't want to do the same old thing any longer. i think i'd be willing to make the right risks, calculated risks, if the were likely to pay-off. i've already done the whole move-to-another-city-alone thing (with no job, no friends, no church) and it was one of my worst life experiences (not in every way, but in most ways). i actually feel i can be most effective here and live in such a way that i matter to those around me. and yet i still antsy and restless. this bothers me because i can't even blame it on the weather because it's summer! i guess what it comes down to, is that i've recently come to fully appreciate that all my worries will work themselves out, that everything will be ok and my future is in good hands. but the thing is... i want that right now! and you see... i DO see myself leaving kingston eventually (hopefully not forever, but maybe for a decade), so i think "maybe i should just do that". i guess what i'm saying is, i have no idea what to do, but what i've been doing just isn't doing it for me anymore. and if i was to be honest about it, it hasn't been for quite some time now. i'm not unhappy, but i got a glimpse into the world unknown and it made me realize how much more happy i could/would be.

i want my cup to overflow!

i watched a make-over show today, there was a 32-year-old woman who was probably the most dorky, old ladyish girl i've ever seen. they set her up with a hidden camera to see how she interacted with men. at one point she said "oh! do you want to see my knitting? i take it everywhere i go" and she pulled out a sock she'd been working on, not unsimilar to the sox i do. they later chastised her and told never talk about knitting on a date again, or even better "don't even tell them knitting is one of your hobbies, it makes you sound like a granny". hm..... does knitting make me seem old ladyish? i approach knitting as an art form. so many of my friends are knitters that i don't think anything of talking about it openly. however, that girl WAS really old ladyish, while we are not... i think.

i don't want to be part of the problem.

**********************************
addendum:
ironically, i just read this quote in the novel i'm reading "growth means change and change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown".

where

i'm sick.
i got a cold from babysitting the kids – as usual. i feel pretty awful. i'm really glad i stayed home from work.

i think it's funny that i can't remember if i've ever been inside a dumpster before. i have a feeling i have been, but there's no logical explanation for that.

i like an adult version of my 14-year-old self.

i have a problem.

i walked to the store this morning to buy a loaf of bread. i've been eating it compulsively. i don't know why, but for some reason i really like it. i even made a peanut butter sandwich.

when i was a kid the flintstones were always on at noon. to this day i still think when i'm at home during the day "oh the flintstones...." then i remember it's not 1985 anymore. the flintstones are great, they SHOULD still play them at noon every day.

my new haircut makes my hair looks good all the time. even today when i didn't brush it, it still looks good! i've never had a haircut like that before. someday when i get dreads i'm going to ask rachel to do them for me. i have good plans for my future, if i don't start moving forward soon i'm going to start feeling as though i'm moving backwards.

i should be living.

tangible

when is the season going to change??

there is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

hook

sometimes matters of the heart really aren't that hard to comprehend.

my mom and i babysat my niece and nephews while joy & tim went to toronto to celebrate their 10th anniversary. it's hard to believe it's been ten years. i think it's lovely for them but creepy for me. i guess it makes me feel like they're accomplishing yet another milestone, while i spend my time plotting milestones that involve skinny-dipping or donating blood. i bet if i'd come from a bigger family i wouldn't feel so unaccomplished compared to my sister. i really enjoyed the kids, and honestly... i was a little sad to give them back. but my friends tell me i needn't worry, i'll have my own someday. in the meantime i'll continue enjoying my freedom and my full & expansive life.

i gave my mom a copy of hatch. for those of you who haven't read it yet, i wrote my story about her. i was a little worried about what she'd say, i was worried i had the facts wrong. she'd never told me her story of coming to canada in one sitting before, it's been something i've pieced together over the years. she smiled and laughed, commented, and complimented as she read, and as it turns out the only thing i got wrong is that she came here in 1968 instead of 1967. i think she was really touched by my take on things and said i had some really beautiful lines. she said "when you write it this way, it makes me feel really special!" and i told her "good! because you ARE special". i was hoping she'd feel that way. i think writing is an amazing way to get to see yourself thru someone else's eyes.

i done gone and cut 4" off my hair. it was an accident, but i think it's much healthier now. it was kind of strange, no one's ever used a straightening iron on my hair before, it's already super straight.

avoid beginners
who long to shut my mouth.

accidental

oh my goodness. that girl gets a rise out of me like no other. she's my arch-rival, my arch-nemesis and doesn't even know it. i THINK she knows i exist, but how much she knows/cares of me i have no idea. that's partly why it's so weird that i feel so insanely intimidated and jealous of her. i think i loathe her a little bit. but only because i wish she wasn't my rival, and a tiny bit of me wishes she'd go away. i wonder if that will change when i meet her some day. perhaps i'll be pleasantly surprised by her wonderful nature and will scold myself for ever feeling ill towards her. i hope so, because this has gone one for way too long. the funny thing is for months at a time i forget she exists. but then i hear her name, or facebook suggests that we know each other and that green monster rears it's ugly head once again.

i had a couple free minutes this evening, so i picked up my crochet hook and yarn and started working. so far it's going quite well, although i've only done 5 stitches. i totally believe the rumors that crocheting is easier than knitting and faster. i'm excited to be learning this wonderful skill. it makes me feel like i'm learning to write with my left-hand.

that song reminds me of you in the most intense way.

beckie thinks i'm a reckless driver. i don't disagree with her, but i don't think i'm unsafe. meh. whatever. i don't profess to be a good driver. i debated with her more from the stance that it doesn't matter. i think i won by default because she was the passenger and i was the driver.

i have to admit, all the best details of my life get omitted from this thing.

laugh to erase the dirt on your mind

sealift

i have a problem with my eyebrows.

we lied on their bed and watched dr. horrible.

break your own glass ceiling.

in droves

today i bought a crochet book. i'm gonna learn to do it, although, i kind of don't want to. i'd rather knit. but... i said i'd learn, and learn i shall. i'd like to make that dream a reality (the dream that made me think i knew how to crochet when i woke up in the morning). i figure, what the hey.... i have no reason not to!

i've found that sometimes it changes my day to be told by someone other than myself that "it's going to be ok". so i've decided to remind people of that at random. because it is you know, even if it doesn't feel that way. (ok, now it's your turn to tell me....)

i burnt my tongue at lunch really badly. it still smarts.

i get by with a little help from my friends.

metronome

i found a carpooler! yay! he called me last week and we arranged to start this morning. his name is paul, he's an intern. he doesn't have a car, so he's just going to drive with me and contribute to my gas money. he lives pretty close to my house, so that worked out nicely. i figured if i found someone they'd be in their 20s because all the older people at my work live in the west-end. last week when he called me i thought he sounded east-indian, but he has a french name, so i wasn't sure what to expect. but it turns out i'm just really bad at placing accents because he's québécois. he talks easily and laughs easily – so right away i felt pretty comfortable, which is good because i was kind of nervous about who i could end up with. he's 21 and his english is broken. it reminded me of another young 21-year-old frenchman i once knew, and i told my new friend paul stories about my old friend vinc'. probably the funniest and most unexpected thing was when i told him i knit he said "me too!" he just finished a toque with a pompom. i asked him how long it took him, he said "it was my first one, so... 30 hours" that sounds pretty fast to me considering i took 4 months to knit a pair of sox. he thought it was so amazing that i knitted too, he said i'm the first english girl he knows who knits. having a carpooling buddy will be an adjust, i can't late and i don't have the freedom to make stops on the way home, but it'll have it's perks. i've been needing more guy friends. and i already feel like this new friend has enriched my life, and the gas money will be great. we live in such an isolated world, where we all drive in our own cars and have our own powertools and washing machines. but sometimes stepping outside our circles of comfort can be unexpectedly rewarding. i'm just not very good at discerning which risks to take, and which ones i should let slide.

that means no where i come from.

neato!

check this out! one of my photos from flickr was selected to be used on a montréal travel site! look! someone contacted me about a month ago for my permission for my photo to be submitted. i said that was a-ok. no... i don't get paid (i'm sure some of you were wondering), but it's still really neat!

periwinkle

somewhere along the way, i became loyal to the core. i swear i wasn't always this way, or at least i didn't identify it as loyalty because i guess i just assumed everyone was this way. i'm dedicated and committed to a fault, or at least it feels like a fault because sometimes it's extremely painful. the agony makes me wish i could be bad and let people down sometimes, but that hurts too. the way i see it right now... loyalty is the lesser of two evils.

i had a totally great time with beck at her cottage this weekend. we watched a lot of olympics, we went swimming, we laid on the dock in our bikinis reading in the sun, and i finally finished the sox i was knitting for her birthday (which was back in april). i enjoyed her company immensely. last night i walked down to the water alone in the dark, slipped into the water and slipped OFF my swimsuit. i'd never been skinny-dipping before. it was fun. although, i kind of felt like i was in a massive bathtub. except it was a bathtub full of algae.

i finished eat pray love. it was really good and i thoroughly enjoyed it (as it turns out, it's yet ANOTHER one of the books i've read in the last year that's being made into a movie). however, i must admit my intense disappointment that she fell in love at the end. i was a little worried that she might (since the last section was called 'love') because i'm really tired of the mentality that going full-circle means finding love. barf (oops, excuse my spontaneous gag-reflex). i didn't want her year of self-discovery to HAVE TO include a relationship. and i'm kind of annoyed that this unconventional woman ended up having such a predictable ending. i'm not against falling in love, i'd like to fall in love again someday, but it was just a bit of a yawn. regardless, i loved the book, and i look forward to the flick. it was a good and easy read.

i've concluded i'm a bit of a mystic. it's funny the things i learn about myself on a regular basis. it's strange when you consider that i've been with myself for the last 28 years, you'd think there'd be little that surprises me about myself anymore. but there's lots. i guess that's a good thing or else i could become easily bored with me.

i have my mind's eye on you.

now that nothings spoken, she's out there on the ice again.

kaleidoscope

i'm going to beckie's cottage for the weekend. she told me if i'd like to bring my bike than we can go for a bike ride to the closest town. i was very excited about having the freedom to throw my bike into the mojomobile and head north. how awesome is that?!!? i heart my new car (truck? suv? what would you call it?? i'll just call it mojo).

this morning as i went out to the car to put my bags in the before heading back for my bike, i was very startled to see a man standing at the gates of the memorial centre in full army fatigues and helmet holding a large gun. my instinct was to hide behind the big maple tree beside my driveway. it was extremely disconserting. i wondered if perhaps i'd missed some kind of crucial news on the radio. when i went back for my bike, i noticed about three army trucks in the field of the m centre. i concluded they were doing some kind of war games. regardless, i felt very uncomfortable, and it made me really sympathize with all the people around the world who wake each morning and go about their regular day with the military standing on their street corners. it was also a sobering experience. thankfully in my case it was just a drill, so the shock of it amused me. i love when something is so shocking that it's funny. the kind of thing that makes me gasp for air and cover my mouth. that's kind of why i like my profile pic, it's pretty true to life.

blush your face off.

simplex

as i stood around with ferrence today, frank came along with a picture to show us taken in 1978 of the two of them and a group of 3 other people. it was neat to see, frank's hair was pretty long and ferrence's hair still had colour. after they'd walked away i got thinking about the fact that they existed, as full grown adults in 1978, over a year before i was even born. and yet 30 years later i'm their friend and colleague. before i didn't exist, and now i do. it amazes me to think of frank unaware of meeting me in the future. it's so crazy! i've always been conscious of the fact that there are people out there who i don't know, who i'll later develop deep and meaningful friendships with. but they exist someplace. it's amazing to think that in 30 years, i could be standing beside a friend of mine, who is currently absent from this sphere. that's pretty incredible.

you know what makes me sad about the olympics? how much it glorifies medals. i almost hope we don't win any at all. why does everyone have to be the world's frickin best 'whatever'. why can't we just be? why can't we celebrate our individual awesomeness without feeling inadequate because we're not the ultimate best in the world?? because to be number one at something actually means you're freakishly good. i'm only freakishly good at two things, and i won't be getting a medal for either of those. ok, maybe three things. regardless, it took me a long time to come to terms that i'm not the supreme master of anything, but i know i'm good at stuff. i'm still a valuable person even if i wouldn't win a competition.

i'm going to breathe deep.

lose yourself in summer thoughts.

misnomer

i rush, not to get there faster but instead, to get the waiting over with.

am i crazy?

wait

it was a red-letter day, so we sat in the goat with candles in our cakes and noticed they didn't have smoke-detectors. she wished for speedy hair growth and i wished for more conventional well-being.

the break-down of language lead to our ultimate demise. perhaps demise is too strong of a word, perhaps indifference is more appropriate.

i will begin each day with my face to the ground.

i think you were in my home when i was away. did you leave a note on my door, because if you did, it blew away. i looked for it, but it was gone. or maybe it was never there.

i forgot this was a two-way window.

i just didn't care enough. which is ironic because i usually care too much. or maybe i just care in all the wrong instances, in all the wrong ways. i've grown to suspect that there's something off-beat about me. i'm always jumping out of sync.

would you rather see me waste my time on something else?

prostrate

i talk a lot. i could talk a hind leg off a blind beggar. i'm like that. it causes me to eat slowly because i'm distracted by my own talking, and i need my hands. my hands are an active participant in my talking. i like listening too though. i love great conversation when both people are equally discussing the topic at hand instead of taking turns. however, i read today in my book that being a big-talker can be a spiritual liability. and that one must learn to be quiet. that made sense to me, and fits with my new ambition of balanced living.

i was telling ferrence today about my grandpa. he was a sprinter and was going to compete in the olympics, but his first wife wouldn't let him go because they were having martial problems. incidentally he was faster than the guy who won gold. i think that's a cool story about ole sarge. my grandpa was known as 'sarge', even my dad and all my uncles call him that. he had red hair like joelle.

if i could go back and write different things, i would. and you would fall in love with me and know that i exist. but instead i'll store up all the things i wish i could say, and wish you could hear, and hope someday those words will pass between us.

sometimes you just know what you're looking for.

p.s.

i
am
so
screwed.