those early days

i'm in the middle of a noteworthy time in my life. it's a really special time that i will remember distinctly. but that doesn't mean it's easy. it's mostly the juggling two kids in very different stages that is the challenge. both on their own are easy peasy. but eamon is used to daycare; to structure, planned activities, other kids to play with and adults with all their time dedicated to the collective care of him and his comrades. i'm not able to keep him occupied enough at home and he gets capital B Bored. when he's bored, he gets into mischief, things spiral, and i'm end up at a loss. to cut myself some slack, and to provide him with more simulation, he's going to be going to daycare 3 days a week instead of just 2. i've struggled with this, because for 2 years, i wanted to be at home with eamon instead of at work. so i feel disheartened and like a failure that i can't manage him full time. but brendan reminds me that i have a newborn and should, therefore, be gracious with myself.

otis is doing well. he's an easy baby. he doesn't need to nurse to sleep. being held is more important to him than nursing. and when he's had enough cuddling, he's quite content to just lie in bed awake for an hour before falling asleep. i'm looking forward to having more time with just him. he's really very sweet, and i'm trying to fully enjoy this fleeting stage, even though i'm keenly anticipating him sitting in his bumbo and using the jolly jumper.

i am, for the most part, doing well. there have been times when i've been concerned about my mental health. not from unhappiness or isolation or the absence of adult company, but rather because of how impacted i am from the anger and frustration i can feel when stretched too thin between the competing needs of my sons. i'm struggling a little because of my natural desire to do and accomplish stuff, and i'm finding that being a momma interferes with me doing other stuff. i don't really identify being a mom as a big part of my identity. as far as being a mom goes, it's more the care-giver aspect than the label or role. i want to do more things with my day or with my home that focus exclusively on my child-rearing.

i've enjoyed going out with brendan a few times lately, and we're going out again this saturday for a christmas party at a former colleague's house. these outings are so refreshing, but i'm somewhat reminded that we won't have the freedom or independence from our kids for that to be a normal part of our lives for quite a while. what strikes me is that when my kids are teenagers, and i can come and go more freely, i will be much older. in some respects, life feels like it has hit pause until my sons are older, but the reality is, everything has kept going, and i'm aging. my life before, during and after this stage of life are all distinctly different. i suppose the best thing to do is to embrace this stage for all that it is. which includes...

- long mornings in pjs

- lots of cups of (decaf) tea

- learning to make a good fire in the wood stove

- nursing

- king of the hill

- bassinets, mid-night feedings and mid-night tantrums

- prune concoctions and physio therapy exercises

- cbc radio

- robie shoes and combing velcro

- handcrafts whenever there's a spare minute

- losing hats and mitts

- feeling deep deep love

too much of a good thing

i don't really know how people homeschool. i'm pretty sure that being home with my 3 year old 5 days a week is slowly ruining our relationship. 

differences

i've started taking my small fellas to a playgroup in my neighbourhood. initially, i wanted to go in part to fill time, but mostly to connect with other moms in the neighbourhood. it turns out that none of them actually live in kingscourt, but that's ok. i'm finding that there's another good reason to go to this group... to be in conversation with people who have a different perspective and worldview than i do. sometimes i find the opinions expressed kind of troubling, and being someone who is uncomfortable and inarticulate expressing conflicting opinions, i just listen and try to inwardly feel empathy with where there coming from. while i don't share the beliefs or perspectives, i can imagine why or how the came to feel that way. i find it stretching, and therefore strengthening, to be around people who are not like-minded. i'm a little curious about what i might learn over time. maybe i'll learn to express myself instead of being dumbfounded. brendan is so good at calling people out in a kind way when they say something without thinking. i wish i was more like him.

order

since returning home, it's been a bit of a struggle to get back into a normal routine. since otis was born, i have as of yet to get into a weekly rhythm with my babies. the house has been chaotic, éamon is typical three year old, and otis is a typical newborn. i'm also trying to spend time with friends, and meet moms in my neighbourhood. as a result, i'm finding it hard to find time to write emails and/or blog entries. and now on top of all that, daylight savings time has ended, which will probably throw us further out of routine for another week. i hope i don't sound like i'm complaining, because i'm just trying to decompress. thankfully, i am keeping my head above water, i'm just less communicative.

the day that eamon started to get sick, it was rainy and we'd taken the bus to the library. he was cranky (because he was getting sick and i didn't know it yet) and i felt flustered and heartbroken (having just learned about brook that morning). after the storytime was over, we went to the children's book section to sit and have a breather before brendan picked us up on his lunch break. i sat there damp, sad and exhausted, when another young mom came along and said "do you need any help?". i politely smiled and said "oh, no, i'm ok. thank you". i appreciated her offer, but it makes me cringe thinking that i seemed pitiful. i actually did still had enough in me to manage.

being capable is probably my holy ideal. it's my one trait that i hold up and value higher than all others. i am not too proud to ask for help when i need it, but i believe in doing my best and giving it my all before soliciting help from others. that's really a good way to read me – if i'm asking for help, it's because i REALLY need it. this feels like a time in life when emotions are somewhat raw and close to the surface. it's easy to become worn out by these tiny people. and yet, my desire to be capable is no less than usual. so, i'm hoping that in the next few weeks i'll be able to get it together.

retropharyngeal phlegmon

so here i am, on the other side of the experience of my kid being hospitalized for a serious (potentially life-threatening) illness, and i think both brendan and i learned a lot about life and parenting. it'll be two weeks tomorrow since i took him to the hospital, and one week tomorrow since he was discharged.

probably one of the main things that left an impression on me, was when he was at his worst (pre-diagnosis), i remember looking at him and seeing that he was not himself. i was wishing and praying that he'd return to normal, but there was nothing i could personally do to make him well. it feels like a cliche to say, but i really felt helpless and desperate. thankfully, he got the help he needed in time, but it gave me a taste of what parents in different parts of the world and in different times throughout history have experienced. and it's pretty GD awful.

i've had several conversations with friends lately about how fragile and vulnerable we are as humans, and how that's something we're not always aware of. in a way, it's nicer being naive of just how fragile and vulnerable we are, at least we worry less.

Kidd 10

well, the doctor called us on Tuesday morning with the results of eamon's blood work and wanted us to come back in. long story short... he had two X-rays and a cat scan, then he was admitted to KGH for treatment for a neck infection.

it was pretty stressful at times, but he's doing well and seeming more like himself. he still does have full movement in his neck, but the fever seems to be subsided.

anyway, it's been an interesting experience. sometimes I'm surprised to be someone's mama and responsible for their well being. Otis has been a total doll and mostly just slept the whole time. at one point they were both passed out on the bed at the COPC, it was very. sweet.

we're expecting to be discharged tomorrow, but not 100% sure yet.

Sent from my iPod

heart on the line

i remember when i was pregnant with eamon, telling my sister that i felt anxious, and just wanted him to be born(having heard of many people who lost their baby in the final days and weeks of their pregnancy). she said something about how worrying doesn't end when they're born. i've found that she's right. except, i think i've felt "once we get past this stage, i won't worry as much". but i've realized it never stops. especially reflecting on the loss of brook this past week. i know i'm going to spend my whole life worrying about my sons and their dad to one extent or another.

part of what it means to be a mom is to worry about your kid's safety and wellness. part of what it means to love is to be invested in someone, and to want them safe and sound. i didn't experience that when i was single.

since thursday, eamon has been sick. we thought at first that he had a stomach bug. then we thought it went away, only for him to have a few persistent symptoms, then for it to get worse and worse again. we spent a few hours this morning in the urgent care centre at hotel dieu, then the entire afternoon at the children's outpatient centre. i felt embarrassed to be going in twice in one day, and felt a need to explain my concern. i've cried several times since this illness started for fear that something might happen to him. i realize the reality of loss is very fresh, and its putting me on edge, but the doctor told me that i did the right thing bringing him in this afternoon. he was showing signs of meningitis, but they seem to have ruled that out now. they did bloodwork and gave him an x-ray. thankfully brendan was with me, because i wouldn't have been able to manage everything with otis with me too. it was a very hands-on job to get eamon to cooperate. they've told us a few things to watch out for, and said it could take up to 7 days for this infection to clear up, but he should be ok. i feel more at ease now. his constant fever, etc are less scary now that we know what we're dealing with and what to expect.

i think it will take some time for me to adjust and accept the level of risk that comes with deep love.

full moon

these days life feels like a see-saw that oscillates between noise and silence. there are loud moments of chaos and quiet moments of peace. i'm glad for the quiet moments. they make the loud moments more manageable.

i'm quite sensitive to being over-stimulated by noise or touch, especially when those things are combined. sometimes when i feel overwhelmed because otis is crying and won't latch because he's too upset, i find it overwhelming to be touched. this is a challenge because eamon sometimes is trying to cuddle or climb onto my lap and it all becomes too much in that moment. it's hard because i don't want to send him away or not let him touch me, but for the sake of my sanity i need him to stop. i try to explain it to him though. i know that he might not understand right now, but i'm hoping that he might remember later and understand then.

when i was a kid, we had a miniature schnauzer named elsa (it's funny that elsa has become such a popular name, since my parents chose it because it was the most 'old lady' sounding name they could come up with). elsa was not well trained, and like many small dogs, would bark A LOT – especially when people were walking down the sidewalk. when i was about 6 or 7, we had to give her to my aunt and uncle (who didn't have kids, but did have another dog named pepper who was elsa's brother from the same litter). anyway, the only reason we were given was that my mom thought elsa barked too much. when i was talking to my mom the other day about feeling overwhelmed by the increased volume of my home, she said "that's how i felt when we had elsa". so while it was true that she felt elsa barked too much, there was more to it than that. now that i have the whole story, i can completely understand and appreciate that.

i like having ah-ha moments about my parents. it usually results in more empathy from me, and sometimes forgiveness.

while some folks have told me that there is no healthy way to teach kids not to be loud and noisy, i'm not convinced that's true. i think kids reflect their environment. we'll see...

red

it's funny how a holiday weekend can help one ruin their streak of good eating habits. well... i shouldn't blame the holiday exactly, it's more the birthday cake and squares that i made (and not can't stop trying to "eat it", like they're going to go bad). otis is one month old, and i've lost over 20 lbs, but if i keep this up, i'll gain quite a bit back. that said, i did go for a longish walk today. i need to try and walk every day.

to my delight, i found out that my neighbourhood library isn't supposed to close for another year. that's a relief, because i thought it was closing in a few months.

nancy gave us brendan's baby book the other day. she did a great job filling it in, that it's really motivated me to finish eamon's book (and get started on otis). i'm kind of glad that i'm wrapping it up when he's three, because things change a lot over time, and a lot of his habits, interests, etc, changed since he was a little baby. i'm excited to see otis grow and change too :) he's a cuddly baby, and really likes to be held most of the time.

mending heart, soul and body

i saw my midwife on tuesday. the one who was at my birth. she said she'd been worried about me since she hadn't seen me since otis was born. she was worried that i had regrets, and had wished i'd just had another c-section because of my 3rd degree tear. but that had never crossed my mind. otis's birth was so wonderful and meaningful to me, i would never trade it. AND the tear has healed really well and not caused me any trouble. i'm very grateful for that.

adjusting

i've heard it said that women cut their hair after having a baby because their hair is something they can control. for me, it's tidying my house.

today was pretty much my first full day on my own with my two kids. and after being on my own (with different degrees of support) all week, i reached my breaking point around lunch time today and had a bit of a melt down. yesterday, when nancy was over, i got a lot of tidying and cleaning done, but by bedtime the house was messy and chaotic again. so after not being able to find my bus pass, and being unable to make it to the hospital to visit my dad (who is recovering from surgery), and having a crying baby who doesn't like to be set down while i wanted to make some lunch, i knew something had to give.

keeping the house tidy helps a lot. even all the little things that i don't normally notice, have been bothering me in my current stage – things like dust on the toaster. i suppose it's not a bad thing, wanting to keep the house tidy. i know that things are going to balance out, and if a clean house helps keep me sane, that's a good approach.

two boys and a lady

brendan is out of town for a work conference, and i'm alone with my two sons. the timing isn't great, since we're still getting to know otis and eamon is still getting used to having him in the mix. bedtime was bad. otis was screaming because he needed to be nursed and eamon was having a melt down because he didn't want to go to bed (plus, brendan wasn't here to do their regular routine). it was rough, but it can only get easier, right?

i'm going to go to bed now. the "sleep when the baby sleeps" concept works best for me in the evening. sure, i go to sleep early these days, but it's the best way to do myself a favour. i would've gone to bed at 7:30 if otis was already sleeping.

porcelain

after months of our toilet flushing increasingly worse, the flusher finally broke, and we had to buy a new one. the new flusher works so well that i actually look forward to using it.

being able to flush the toilet with ease is one of my most favourite parts of the day.

brace

i can't remember if i mentioned the book "funny girl" that i was reading and finished last week. it was about a young woman seeking to be a comedic actor in the 1960s (she wanted to be like lucile ball). at the end, it fast forwards to 2014 (which i found a bit weird, since the story was about this young actress). she reflects on how the industry has changed since she started out, and remarks about how nowadays everyone wants to work in entertainment, and how there are fewer people willing to do the undesirable jobs. i can't remember how she phrased it, but she talked about how entertainment has become the centre of our society, and i think she's right. that's why there are movie themed birthday parties, and children's clothes and backpacks with cartoon characters on them, etc etc.

i think she put her finger on what troubles me so much about an excess of pop-culture paraphernalia in stores. it always irritated me when i couldn't find just nice kids bedsheets without disney cartoons on them, and i couldn't put my finger on why. it's party because i like creativity, and i think there's lots of great artists and designers beyond disney, and i'd rather have a generic cartoon from an unknown artist than support an uncreative corporation. but i think it also makes me uncomfortable because it reinforces entertainment as something we should value, something to love. and i simply don't value that – it's entertainment only, not something more meaningful.

as someone who works in marketing, i'm also keenly sensitive to the subtle ways the we're constantly being advertised at. so i avoid any kind of brand reinforcement. because they're simply trying to make people form an emotional attachment so they'll spend more.

assumption

i've been reading this novel about the titanic. it's really sad and yet compelling. i'm at the part where the main character has just gotten on a lifeboat, but everyone else she was with 14 people from her hometown, didn't get on for various reasons (the men were refused, some women chose not to go, some got lost). i can't help but feel struck by how tragic it is, even though there have been events with a greater death toll. maybe it's because it was such a man-made disaster. or maybe because of the hope of everyone on the ship, maybe were heading to america to start a new life. everyone had plans for their arrival, and most did not arrive. i dunno. it's just so sad.

i have to admit, i have a bit of a pet peeve about when a book i'm reading has a fictional book/movie/etc of the same name as the novel i'm reading. this book is called "the girl who came home" and there's a new paper article in it by that name. and the book "the help" had a book in it called "the help". this annoys me because the fictional version and the real version i'm reading are not the same thing! i really think they need different names. sheesh!

anyway, this book has puts me in the mood to watch the movie. i think the last time i watched it was on my birthday (it was playing on the tv) in 2001. i was living in toronto and my friends and i had ordered chinese food. time sure goes by fast.

st. mary's

when i was between 11 to 13, my dad used to take my sister and i on vacation to toronto each summer and over march break. we'd stay with my uncle bill and we'd do toronto-y things. in the summer we'd take our bikes, and ride all over the place. we'd frequently cycle in mount pleasant cemetery. it was one of our favourite places. joy and i were always amazed at how quiet it was. as soon as you enter through the gates, the sounds of the city disappeared. we also liked walking around, reading the headstones.

later, when i moved to toronto for the summer of 2000, i went to mount pleasant over my first weekend there. that monday, my co-worker and friend lana asked me what i did that weekend. i told her that i went to a cemetery. she was very troubled by that. it might have been a cultural thing, since she was from hong kong, but she said if she'd told her dad that she voluntarily went to a cemetery that he'd cry.

there's a cemetery near our house. it's a catholic cemetery, so unfortunately, they probably wouldn't let me get buried there. part of me would consider converting to catholicism just so i could be buried in our neighbourhood cemetery. i like local things. otis and i went for a stroll through there this morning. i like reading the different names, and dates; wondering about the people. a headstone is really all that's left of someone. i'm a pretty thrifty person, i don't care about a fancy funeral, and would want the cheapest of everything. but i want a headstone with a pretty awesome epitaph. i think we'll go there for a walk again sometime. there were parts i didn't get to, and we didn't really walk up the aisles, just stuck to the main roads.

lowering expectations

when i work a short 4 day week, i find myself expecting it to fly by fast, and as a result, it doesn't. i'm finding this principle to be true too with having a newborn. i know that this stage goes by fast, and as a result, i'm expecting sleepless nights and constant nursing and needing to be held while i try to eat dinner to be behind me already. it's all about expectations and i need to lower mine. even an easy baby has his difficult moments.

my sweet little baby decided to be wide awake from 1 am to 5 am last night. he's not even usually that awake during the day. it's like he's slowly changing time zones. and now he's sleeping, i'm wide awake and can't fall asleep. unfortunately, having gone most of the night without sleep, i was very irritated when eamon got up this morning at 6. i was not gracious with him about it.

i'm sorry... hearing the daily details of a parent of a newborn's sleep situation is quite boring. i guess what i'm trying to aim for is being transparent enough to be real about this current stage, and yet concealed enough that i don't lose perspective and make everything about newborn+preschool parenting.

acquaintance

when i was in grade 10, a girl in my class got pregnant. by the time she returned to school in grade 11, she was married to her boyfriend. i'd heard that their parents made them get married. he did not seem ready for marriage, at all. they had another kid together while still in highschool. i was thinking a lot about that girl today. married at 15. i wonder how things worked out for them.

registrar

i was saying to b the other day, that it's amazing to me that ANY women in history would've survived childbirth. i know death was common, but really, it feels like surviving should've been the exception. like really, does anyone know anyone that didn't tear at all? (i mean ever, even with multiple births) what would women do with a 3rd degree tear? other than, you know, bleed a lot and die. it's crazy really.

today was brendan's first day back at work, and my first day on my own with otis. he seems to be in a bit of a growth spurt. he's looking chubbier, and he was cranky and only wanted to nurse today. i did get a lot of reading done. although, i would've welcomed a nap. he's sleeping now though. this is the longest stretch he's napped all day. it's nice having a backyard and deck to sit out on while nursing. it was a lovely day out there.

sleeping

every evening, otis sleeps from 7:30 or 8 til 10 or 11. after nursing him, he sleeps again until 1 or 2 am. then every single night, he naps on and off for the next 4 or 5 hours, waking almost every 20 minutes, until 6:30, when eamon gets up. then otis sleeps solid until after 9 :S

all that said, i need to keep perspective that it's not that bad and this will soon give way to a new pattern and stage.