vivid

someone offhandedly referred to me as "the ultimate planner" the other day. it really bugged me. i remember once when driving with beckie, i told her she was a conservative driver and she got all mad. i think this is the same type of remark. while i didn't mean it in a negative way (beckie is a much more careful driver than i was at that time), the word conservative had negative connotations in her mind. i'm not sure if it was the word ultimate or planner that disappointed me, maybe the word ultimate in association with planner. i suppose it was really just a question of feeling misunderstood. while i come up with plans, they're more just like ideas. i dream up ideas about this and that. it's fun! but they are by no means fixed plans. all the planners i know develop itineraries for their vacations with times and scheduled activities. that seems like no fun to me. instead i use my ideas as goals to work toward, and will change these life goals as i go. i think this is a good approach, because i've found i don't get anything done without some forward thinking. i'm also thankful that when we were considering our house, i thought about what we could do with the space when we have kids some day. i came up with all sorts of wacky scenarios, and a few good ones. i'm glad, because otherwise i might be in a little bit of a panic "where are we going to put this thing!?!"

yes, we use a meal menu to plan out our meals, but that's mostly because it saves money and because when we don't have the menu we sit there asking each other "i dunno, what do you feel like?". and to be fair, we sometimes do that when we plan the menu, but at least in that case we're not starving with no food in the house. the menu is very decisive when we're in need of some decision making, but can also be completely disregarded in favour of something else.

the unfortunate thing is that there's no right or wrong way, so i don't really appreciate being assessed and labelled. especially when the label doesn't fit properly.

in my book 'how to be a woman', caitlin makes a really strong case about the root of sexism. she said it's not about sex at all, but rather it's about winners and losers. and that men have traditionally seen women as the losers, and themselves as winners. gay men seem to also fit in the loser category in the minds of traditional men. i think caitlin's completely right in this assessment, and it seems more prominent in men who are competitive and get their esteem from winning, dominating or from feeling powerful. it's sad and frustrating. when facing guys like that, i'm generally at a loss for words and afterwards wish i'd spoken up. i just don't know what to say that would be helpful or productive. on the other hand, i feel encouraged because this should be a pretty easy social construct to discontinue, which is probably why this mindset is becoming less common.

out on the farthest edge,
there in the silence you were there.