éamon's birth – part four (after thoughts)

it's been eleven days since éamon was born and i've had a lot of time to reflect on the experience. that said, i don't think i needed a lot of time to reach the point i'm at now. almost right away, i felt i'd come to terms with his caesarean birth. perhaps it's because i'd shed some tears beforehand, or maybe it's because after we had our boy, or maybe it's just that being upset about it afterwards wouldn't change anything. but i'm really ok with how things unfolded. sure, it wasn't how i'd envisioned it, and it wasn't my choice, but it is what it is. i'm not going to feel sorry for myself, or alienate myself from other women who had a different experience than me. i feel that my birthing experience is just as legitimate.

the truth of the matter is that i've always felt that birth is an experience and i didn't want to miss out on that, and i REALLY didn't. if anything, i experienced MORE than i'd bargained for. it's not like i arrived at the hospital and asked to be cut open. i went through the WHOLE process, minus the very last stretch. considering the circumstances, i wouldn't change anything i did or any of my choices. i'm happy with how things went.

i also really feel that birthing is an important part of preparing a woman to be a mother. i wanted my birth experience to be empowering and strengthening so that i could confidently rise to the chance of parenting. again, i feel that my experience did that, and adequately prepared me (or prepared me as much as i expected it to).

the funny thing about a c-section is that people are under the impression that it's easier than a vaginal birth. and while i suppose the process is, the healing afterwards is not. i'm on several different pain-killers, can't drive my car for six weeks, and can only take short walks. it's a slow process and not ideal. on friday, i went to shoppers to do some errands and people were cooing over éamon. they asked how old he was, and i proudly said 8 days! they were surprised that i was out and about, so i told them "and i had a c-section", and the one lady said "oh, well i suppose that's easier", clearly not understanding that it was rather remarkable that i was on the mend so soon (for which i'm very thankful for by the way). but whatever :S

after the surgery, i didn't want to look at my incision. i think mico and alyssa were a little concerned that i was avoiding it, but i just didn't want to see it when i still had staples in. in talking with nancy, she commented that it will only look better with time, so it made sense to me to wait and not look at it while it was still unsightly. now that the staples are out (there were 12 in total), my 6" incision doesn't look so bad. at first i was sad about the idea of this scar on my body as a reminder of how things didn't go as planned, but i've since changed my mind. instead of seeing it as a scar, i think of it as a souvenir from éamon's birth. i'm physically marked by that experience just as it marks my spirit.

i have this theory. i've read and heard a lot about oxytocin being a bonding agent. it's my understanding that it's not released with a c-section or when an epidural is used. and yet i feel very bonded to my éamon. all i can think is that because i was pumped full of oxytocin when i was induced that bonding with him has been an unexpected perk.

the doctors were never able to determine why i wasn't able to push him out. i pushed for a long time, and my pushes were strong. he was a regular sized baby and he was facing the right position. they've told me that my pelvis is too small, but it seems that's the excuse they give when they don't have a concrete answer. but mico said that usually when a pelvis is too small, the baby's head is all warped and moulded from trying to fit through. éamon's head was perfectly round. for some reason his head just didn't mould to fit. they've given me a 50% chance of having a vaginal birth next time, but i'm optimistic. i'm pretty sure that on another day, under different circumstances i could've pushed him out. besides, annette told me that he's paved the way for his future sibling, even though he didn't make it all the way out.

brendan was reading an article in the new yorker last week about the history of medicine – specifically surgery. while overhearing him discuss it with nancy, it dawned on me that in a different place and time, had i not been able to push out my baby, he would've died, and i could've died too. today, with the very high caesarean birth rates, i'd taken for granted what a valuable procedure it is when truly necessary. so i really see no reason to be anything other than grateful.