anything

i was listening to my itunes while i folded laundry this afternoon, and continued listening while éamon and i ate dinner. a song came on that i haven't listened to with regularity in quite some time. it took me back to 2007. and as i listened and i considered several things...

i thought about how music in my late twenties defined my life much more than it does today. i still like music very much. but i find that it's more one-off songs rather than whole albums getting under my skin. i kind of miss that.

i thought about my single days – pre-brendan, pre-éamon – and concluded that it's a shame that that time in my life was somewhat spoiled my a loneliness for a partner. i had a lot of flexibility, wonderful friends (and still do), my own apartment that i loved, a clear sense of self. it's really unfortunate that i struggled with worry about my future, struggled with my sense of belonging, struggled with my sense of value.

i thought about how music and/or alone-time are my thin spaces, and how i miss that. my head space, my heart space and my living space is too full with daily stuff to really inhale the sacred in the way i have in the past.

i suppose the reality is that a little bit of turmoil goes a long way with nurturing my spiritual health. i've been thinking with renewed frustration the last few days about my experience giving birth to éamon. how things did not go as we'd hoped. i'm still working that thru – the disappointment, the frustration, the confusion, the feelings of failure. i actually thought that i would know God's presence in the birthing process, but didn't. but maybe i'm supposed to find him in my discontent and longing instead.