i don't know if its the timing or if i've had one or more recent triggers, but i've been thinking a lot about my experience of giving birth to eamon. after sharing this past sunday in an interview about that experience, it's clear to me that the hurt and "trauma" and sorrow i feel is still super fresh. the physical scars heal much faster than the emotional ones. when he was first born, i thought a lot about it, trying to reconcile myself with how things went. telling myself that i had not failed, and asking brendan repeatedly for reassurance "you don't think it was that i was too weak or cowardly to do it, do you?" after months of attempts at positive thinking, i pretty much concluded "you'll do it next time" and tried to drop it.
at some point in the last fortnight, it's dawned on me that i can't rely so heavily on my next birth experience to make up for my last birth. (ugh, i always feel a need to say this...) i'm not pregnant and i'm not trying to get pregnant. but i do want to have one more baby someday, and i think it would be prudent to have worked through "everything" before then so i can start fresh. sure, i'd like my next birth to be my dream birth experience, but if my last birth revealed anything its that regardless or desires and intentions, it's gonna happen how its gonna happen. birth is raw and primal and insane and unpredictable. which is why it's both beautiful and scary at once.
if anything, i don't know if i had enough respect for its feral nature. when i was pregnant, i'd say things like "i think it'll be fun!". thinking back now, i think i underestimated its force. it was fun as a spectator at my sister's births, which i guess was where i was getting that from. now i think it's more like those experiences i've had that have been super hard and i've border-line hated it at the time, but when i'm done and look back on it i think "that was amazing!"
i've started reading a collection of VBAC stories (it's ok, but had i been the editor i would've slashed a lot of the non-birth related stuff. the first story read too much like a blog and the woman seemed to share everything that came into her head). part of me wonders what i expect to get out of this book, but i suppose i'm enjoying reading atypical stories.
at this point, i kind of feel like i should set my expectations low for my next birth. the reality is, simply being awake will feel like a major step forward. ironically, last time i felt that because i desired to avoid interventions that would be enough - that i wouldn't need anything because i didn't want any. i don't know what i'd feel next time, but i know that desires are not enough.
anyway, i might reflect a lot on this for the next little while. it's all just part of the process of processing i guess.
at some point in the last fortnight, it's dawned on me that i can't rely so heavily on my next birth experience to make up for my last birth. (ugh, i always feel a need to say this...) i'm not pregnant and i'm not trying to get pregnant. but i do want to have one more baby someday, and i think it would be prudent to have worked through "everything" before then so i can start fresh. sure, i'd like my next birth to be my dream birth experience, but if my last birth revealed anything its that regardless or desires and intentions, it's gonna happen how its gonna happen. birth is raw and primal and insane and unpredictable. which is why it's both beautiful and scary at once.
if anything, i don't know if i had enough respect for its feral nature. when i was pregnant, i'd say things like "i think it'll be fun!". thinking back now, i think i underestimated its force. it was fun as a spectator at my sister's births, which i guess was where i was getting that from. now i think it's more like those experiences i've had that have been super hard and i've border-line hated it at the time, but when i'm done and look back on it i think "that was amazing!"
i've started reading a collection of VBAC stories (it's ok, but had i been the editor i would've slashed a lot of the non-birth related stuff. the first story read too much like a blog and the woman seemed to share everything that came into her head). part of me wonders what i expect to get out of this book, but i suppose i'm enjoying reading atypical stories.
at this point, i kind of feel like i should set my expectations low for my next birth. the reality is, simply being awake will feel like a major step forward. ironically, last time i felt that because i desired to avoid interventions that would be enough - that i wouldn't need anything because i didn't want any. i don't know what i'd feel next time, but i know that desires are not enough.
anyway, i might reflect a lot on this for the next little while. it's all just part of the process of processing i guess.
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