it's starting to occur to me that i put a lot of pressure on myself. maybe not all the time, but i want things to be clear and straightforward pretty much all the time because i get stressed otherwise. i don't need to know how things are going to work out, but i struggle with uncertainty. i think this is a 'child of divorce' thing. both brendan and joy struggle with that too. but i think i'm getting tired of this need to come up with a solution. i just want to feel calm and peaceful about the future.
at the moment i'm struggling deciding if i should return to work full time and give up my half days on wednesdays. i love having those half days, but the extra money would be helpful, and i think it's helped my transition back to work, but at this point it may not be as necessary. i dunno. although, realistically, it's probably not up to me. i was only given til june before this arrangement is evaluated. so i guess if she wants me back full time i'll do it and get the extra money, and if she doesn't care i'll stick with my 36 hour schedule. i wish my heart could be as rational as my head sometimes. 
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