rose: i really like my new haircut. i got a trim about a week and a half ago. not in length, but i got my layers tidied up. it's funny, because usually i get my hair cut, and not just my layers. i don't know if i knew that was possible before. the hair stylist asked me if i wanted some off the length too, and that was the first time it occurred to me that i could keep it at it's current length, and still get my layers cut. anyway, i like it a lot. i'm finding that i've been wearing my hair down more often as a result.

thorn: there were lots of tired children tears around dinner time tonight. but thankfully a few laughs too.

rose: on tuesday evenings, éamon goes to awana at kingston alliance. it's a churchy version of scouts. since brendan has the car in napanee on tuesdays, i have to take him there on the bus, but joy drives him home (since she's picking up her kids too). it gives me roughly an hour to myself in the evenings, and that's been a real treat. i end up doing lame things like plan my grocery list, but it simply feels good having time and space to do that without having to multi-task. and i'm grateful that he is fine when i drop him off. i take that as a sign of healthy attachment.

thorn: as kids get older they have a larger circle of influence. and sometimes that circle exposes them to things we don't want. today a kid from school was telling eamon about the freddy kruger movies. thankfully, éamon didn't really understand what he was talking about, minus the words "knife" and "claws". it left me thinking about how i want to really emphasize anything good, anything lovely, anything admirable, and to keep anything grotesque, anything horrific, anything troubling, away from our general sphere of normal or entertainment. life has enough sad and awful things in it, we don't need to add more, especially in childhood.

rose: no one's childhood is perfect. but i have such fond, fond memories of playing as a kid. whether it was with my playmates (scott or jessica and alison) or with my sister, we played for hours in our basement. we played house and make-believe. we played with barbies, made forts, we rode around and around our circular-designed basement on roller-skates. we also played outside a lot. it was fun, and perhaps more importantly... it was relational. now, i know that things have changed, but, (at risk of sounding old fashioned,) there is nothing i would want more for my kids development than to give them to gift of endless fun and relational play. just like i had in the 80s. over the last week or so, but especially today, éamon and the after-school kids have played really well in our basement. they are making up games (often times silly and nonsensical) and using their imagination. it makes me really happy.

thorn: this time last year, otis spoiled and amazed us with how he could put himself to sleep. that did not last. i woke up very tired today. and it just kind of lingered. even after my nap, i still felt tired.

rose: today was a full day. it's the kind of day that when i look back at specific moments (my first time cooking at 'the next stage', buying the kids a slackline at value village, and that very intense church service), i won't remember that those things all happened on that same day. it was a good day. and even the church service that held many intense aspects (both beautiful and sorrowful) was still good. i felt good about how our team pulled together that meal at next stage. i was proud of brendan's leadership and competence, and of my boys who kept themselves busy.

thorn: i was thinking today about my current level of vulnerability. and i feel like i'm in quite a vulnerable phase of my life. i've recently ventured out into new undertakings, and i feel vulnerable without the regular positive feedback and affirmation of my former boss. i'm excited about doing freelance design work, but worry that my offerings won't match expectations or that i won't price my work properly. without bbd, i feel more financially vulnerable. i'm gladly making sacrifices to be more present with my kids, but worry that it might have a cost on me as an individual. travel is a part of my identity and something that makes me feel alive, what if we don't get to have our regular adventures? will it take a toll? and then there's the vulnerability of simply being a parent. vulnerable to small things beyond my control (like disrupted sleep), and big things (like their well-being). so ya. i guess it's not just today, but it was something that occurred to me today.

yesterday...

rose: it was brendan's birthday, and i made him a birthday gift. he is really into chopping wood for our wood stove, but he didn't have a hard surface to chop on. so i built him chopping block out of 4x4s. I was very excited, and had a hard time containing my excitement until gift time. I did end up giving him his gift early because I saw that he was chopping wood. he loves it and was extremely impressed that I'd built it myself :)

thorn: otis gave us a super hard time in the night. Brendan was deeply troubled by it. I wasn't bothered quite as much, but troubled by how it was affecting Brendan. I hope he gets to sleep late today.

rose: brendan and i have been watching this very well done ken burns documentary about the vietnam war. it's roughly 20 hours long, and is very in-depth. no topic from that era was left unexplored. we are history fans (not quite buffs, but we enjoy learning about history), and this has been highly educational. in addition, i've discovered that if i don't get under the covers on our bed while watching, i don't fall asleep. which is good news because i haven't been able to make it through a 2-hour movie for several years.

thorn: today i had to carry otis from the daycare to the bus, the bus to the school, from the school to our house in the rain, as a blister developed on my left ankle, while the stroller sat forgotten on our front porch.

rose: lately, i've been feeling a little more like a normal person around my house, and less like someone with small children. i think it's because otis is more and more toddler like all the time, and less like a baby. which means that he and éamon are playing together more. he is also napping better, so today, during the rainy part, while otis napped, the rest of us watched a movie together.

another rose: i'm also excited, because i've started planning our next vacation. we're gonna go to new york city next summer, and to find suitable accommodations, one has to start early. i think i've found us a great airbnb, and have been looking for age-appropriate activities, to make this one as great as our last trip (to mexico).

rose: for about two months, the google calender on the next church website has not been displaying. i have emailed the people who set it up, but no one has gotten back to me. so today, i decided i would just keep at it until i figured it out. thankfully, i have learned that if i stick with something long enough, i will eventually figure it out. and i did! i can't tell you how satisfying it was when i got it to display properly. no more error message! yay for tenacity.

rose: now that we're into october, i feel firmly established in our new routine. and i can confidently say, it's a good one. i'm really thankful. i do feel that every hour is occupied until 8 at night. it's full, but a good time of full.

thorn: eamon fell off his scooter the other day, and scratched up his face pretty badly. he's in rough shape. when i was a kid, i fell off my bike and scratched up my face about 4 times. so thankfully, i have personal experience that helps me not to worry when i see his damaged face. it has occurred to me though, that this isn't exactly normal, just because it happened to me a lot. we bumped into anne fisher at the grocery store, and she thought it was just marker at first. she looked quite surprised when i told her it wasn't.

rose: now that otis has adjusted to the care of other people at daycare, he's doing way better with being left with babysitters too. so this afternoon, we left our boys with their nana and papa, and went out on the town. we had lunch at le chien noir, went to the market, and walked around a little. i feel that the thing that characterizes our time without our kids is the absence of noise, movement and activity. it was so nice to be able to sit and wait for our food, making light yet enjoyable conversation.

thorn: sometimes in my weaker moments, i struggle with insecurity. when i'm not feeling confident, i misconstrue people's demeanor and assume that anything less than friendly is a sign of dissatisfaction with me. when i consider this, it's not only insecure, but also self-centred. i don't really know how to change this inner dialogue, but i know i can.

rose: we went to the open house bbq at éamon's school tonight. i was excited for brendan to see eamon's classroom and meet his teacher. i've been in his room briefly, so i was happy to take a closer look, and to chat with his teacher. we had a good time, and am glad to see éamon hitting it off with a boy who we met at the park a few weeks ago, and i'm acquainted with the parents because of that. all this to say, that i'm really grateful. i don't leave there feeling like it's anything other than a normal school, and considering we heard terrible things about it before he started, that pretty significant. every parent i've met there, only has positive things to say about it. it seems to me that the negative stories get circulated widely and without any context. it makes it seem like only terrible things happen there, when really, there's lots of good things too.

thorn: my right contact lens gave me grief for most of the day. for large chunks of time, i had to keep my eye closed completely. steve kept laughing at me. i'm sure it was hard to take me seriously. my contacts give me trouble on only the rarest of occasions, but when they do, it's impossible to operate normally.

rose: since éamon started school 3.5 weeks ago, my world within kingscourt has grown. i've been getting to know other moms and families. i recognize people i didn't notice before. i've discovered that there is a boy éamon's age who just lives up our street. i really love it. we've lived here for 2 years, and i have struggled to get acquainted with people. and suddenly i feel like i've gotten to know more people this month than i have in those 2 years.

thorn: i don't like sweating. i don't like feeling slimy or gritty or gross.

rose: i've been reading a book that rachel recommended called "annabel". it's about an intersex person in labrador in the 1970s. it's really nicely written. it's got me thinking a lot about gender. and how they say that gender is a social construct. i definitely feel that gender roles are a social construct. but if gender itself was a social construct, then wouldn't everyone raised as a boy, feel like a boy? or vice versa? i think that sex and gender are more complicated than that. which is why trans-gendered people are becoming much more common and part of our social fabric. anyway, it's great having a good book to read. i'm thankful.

thorn: well, we've been turned down for childcare subsidy from the city. which is annoying and frustrating, because it was based on my income for the entire year, which includes 8 months of EI – that i'm no longer receiving. we should manage fine without it, it just would've been nice to have that extra help. i'll just need to adjust my thinking when it comes to money. i'm used to having money for trips and renovations. i still prioritize taking trips, so we'll probably need to live without renos for a few years. i guess these are the types of sacrifices and penny-pinching that will be worth it to have more time with my kids.

my rose today was the complete day. this has just been a great day. just completely idyllic and i'm very thankful. mondays are my days at home with just otis. i did some housework, he just played contently. then i put him down for a nap with no fuss. and while he napped, i read, then had a nap myself. brendan came home for lunch, we had a nice visit. i fed otis some lunch, then we headed to the school to get the kids. we played there nicely, then walked home without drama. had a good snack, played outdoors. after the extra kids left, we had some dinner, and i gave the fellas a bath. otis went to bed at 7:30 without much effort (this is extremely new. he used to be super easy to put to bed, then he got hard to put to bed, and now we're turning a corner, and he's easy again). i've been mostly reading since then. all in all, it's been a really nice day.

no thorn!

rose: last night, brendan played a show at the embassy. usually when he plays a show, we have a big fight later because i end up struggling to put the fellas to bed on my own, and then feel resentful that i don't get to go out. but the thing is that i don't usually want to go out, it's more that i just want some time to myself at home. so thankfully, things went all right last night, but b wanted to give me some time today, so i got to have the evening to myself, instead of parenting until 10 pm, then getting ready for bed. it was nice.

yesterday, i got a small trampoline off kijiji, and went to get it on my own with the fellas. i felt so good about getting it all nicely fastened to the roof of our car. it feels really awesome to be competent.

thorn: brendan's a simple living guy, and most people say he's difficult to buy for. but for the 7 birthdays that we've been together, i have come up with creative gifts for him. but this year it seems that i've run out of ideas. it's annoying, because i even googled "gifts for minimalist men", but the kind of stuff they came up with was definitely not something brendan would use. he is far more minimalistic than their suggestions. i had an idea that didn't pan out, so i've come up with something else, but i'll have to make it myself. and it's the kind of thing i would usually require his help for.

rose: since kindergarten is voluntary, i'm only sending eamon to school monday through thursday. so i really enjoyed my day with him and otis around town and at home. i took them to artillery park, but it was closed for maintenance. thankfully i had the car, and hadn't ventured down there on the bus for no reason.

thorn: i get discouraged easily, and it doesn't take much to make me second guess myself. thankfully, i also get encouraged easily. but the discouraged part is hard.

rose: i really enjoyed my day working at next today. i got a lot more done without my usual sidekick with me, and i felt more at peace about otis at daycare.

challenge: today was the first time i had to manage conflict among my three afterschool kids (which includes eamon). emotions were running high, and small things were being felt in big ways. thankfully, after insisting that everyone have their own space, things settled down. it's a learning curve for everyone, and i appreciated that i didn't feel ill-equiped to help them navigate their relationship building. i think that being at next for most of the day, and getting some downtime with otis while waiting for school to be out, helped energize me, and i felt like my tank was full. unfortunately, by dinner time, that tank was empty. but it was full when i needed it most.

well... it was quite an emotionally taxing day. otis's first day at daycare, my first day at next, eamon's first evening at AWANA.

the thorn was that daycare was as difficult as we expected, but the rose was that it was not worse than we expected. plus, he didn't cry all day (he stopped when they were outside), and lisa (his caregiver) was not troubled by him. she was very reassuring that he will do better and better each day. so i'm very thankful. she seems like a good fit.

rose: well, i got otis all signed up for daycare today. he starts tomorrow. we've also submitted an application for a childcare subsidy, which would save us about 40% of the cost. which would be fantastic. we also had a really nice dinner celebrating otis' first birthday with b's side of the family. i really love how otis' personality is coming out, and he's getting so fun and interesting.

thorn: all this time, since deciding not to return to bbd, i've had it in my mind that i'm not leaving him to return to work. maybe it's because working at next doesn't feel like work, but is rather a labour of love. or maybe because it's only 15 hours a week, rather than 40 hours (plus commute). or maybe because i'm used to daycare at this point, with eamon, that it didn't seem like a big deal. but now that i have a little bag for him packed, and (especially) now that the plan is that brendan will drop him off (leaving at 7:30), it suddenly feels like a separation. and i could spend loads of time thinking about this, and getting upset about how we will never spend this much time together again. but i don't want to delve into that, especially since this new routine will soon become our new normal, and we'll all feel ok about it. i feel like i've done a good job coming up with a scenario that meets my desire for non-parenting work that uses my skills, that also allows me plenty of time with my kids. i have felt dread and concern for otis, who is particularly attached to his momma. it's my hope that it won't go as badly as it could (worst case scenario... he will scream and cry for two weeks or more). i'm also worried because i really want his caregiver to like and enjoy him. but i suppose, even if he does cry a lot at first, i know she will eventually. i've noticed, having started eamon at two daycares, that the staff are polite and welcoming from the get-go, but not ever as loving at the beginning as they are later once they get acquainted – once a relationship is formed. i've felt a little sad all day, knowing that his little world is going to be disrupted tomorrow, and he doesn't know it yet :(

rose: napping mid-afternoon.

thorn: otis crying in the nursery at next (this does not bode well for daycare this week).

rose: after many, many dead-ends, we have eventually found a home daycare for otis. it's close to next, and handy to b's work too (brendan will drop him off, and i'll pick him up) i am so thankful. the woman is quiet and seems kind of shy (it's not surprising that she works with babies in her home), and i've been told that the parents of the other kids she cares for just love her. i suspect that she's quite gifted with children. the childcare space reminds of a wes anderson film. there's something about the dated aesthetic that makes me think she's a person of substance – rather than too much emphasize on appearances. i'm grateful that i don't feel anxious about going to work and leaving him with someone else. i'm hoping though that he will adjust quickly and not give her a hard time.

thorn: we don't use the deep freeze that came with out house. so i decided to sell it on kijiji. we mostly just keep our laundry detergent on it, and today i found the perfect self unit at value village to keep all that stuff on instead. so i listed it, and people were interested right away. someone asked me to plug it in and confirm that it works, and i did. but it doesn't seem to be getting very cold, which is super disappointing. i just want it out of here.

i've been feeling a little lost today. it's funny, because i usually have tuesdays at home with just otis. so you wouldn't think this day would be out of the ordinary. but i definitely feel different. i can't remember what i usually do on tuesdays. how i spend my time. what's my regular routine, do i have a regular routine? we (otis and me) dropped eamon of at MBES this morning. and i feel a little bit in limbo, waiting to pick him up in 2.5 hours. he did really well. he seemed to understand everything fully, and didn't whine or cling when it was time to go inside without me. i chalk this up partly to curiosity, and partly school-readiness, and his experience at daycare.

i keep thinking of the movie forrest gump. when he sits and waits on a tree stump all day for his son to return from his first day of kindergarten. that's what my heart is doing today.

rose: i almost constantly feel surrounded by clutter. it's slightly self-inflicted because i don't like having empty space either, but i haven't been able to find that balance between having stuff and feeling overwhelmed by stuff everywhere. i'm also still getting used to having our basement, which basically doubled our living space. so i woke up this morning inspired to move stuff downstairs, and from there, i came up with a creative way to deal with brendan's computer cords (that are always cluttering up the counter), after that, it pretty much became a day of nesting. it was partly the fact that it was a holiday (brendan was around to help with the kids), and that b and i have done some significant reorganizing on labour day before. but i think it was also (and perhaps greater than i realize) part of me getting ready for eamon to start school tomorrow. i wanted to feel organized, and in a head space where i felt prepared for anything. and thankfully i do feel prepared. i don't love the thought of preparing lunches for him every day (#daycarespoiledme), but his first lunch is actually pretty good and wasn't hard to pull together. and, even among all the nesting, we found time to walk down to the m-centre to go swimming at the waterpark.

thorn: i've been school-free since 2001. and i've loved it. i have never once looked back, and always, every year been grateful that my routine is not changing simply because it's september, and therefore back to school time. this is probably the biggest thing that makes me different to shannon :p so i am not thrilled that i'm going to be locked into the school calendar from here on in, until i'm... 58 years old. wow. that feels really weird and seems totally wrong. my youngest kid will graduate highschool when i'm 58. nancy is 59 and she has grandchildren! anyway, i feel like i'm losing a bit of my freedom.

rose: this morning a lost a rent cheque that i was going to deposit. i assumed it fell out of my pocket while we walked to the bus stop. later this afternoon i interviewed a potential nanny for otis. she's a woman who lives up the street from me that i found on KIJIJI! then around dinner time, she called to tell me that she found a cheque on her front lawn with my name on it!!!

thorn: when i thought i'd lost the cheque. i get so frustrated with myself because i lose stuff or forget stuff or break stuff or am under prepared. it was nice that that particular mistake was corrected without much of a fuss.

rose: it's amazing the difference a day makes. i know that is always true, but i don't always find that encouraging. when i started back to work with eamon, my first day was very very difficult, but my second day was delightful and energizing. i tried to take encouragement from that yesterday. anyway, i think i've found a caregiver for otis on kijiji who lives RIGHT UP OUR STREET! what are the chances?!?! she's coming over tomorrow to meet him and us. her ad talked about how she's a very experienced nanny, so i'm hoping she will not be intimidated by his angry-crying over the first week or two. i'm certain it will get better after that. if all goes well, i might stick with her until the end of the school year and not enroll otis in daycare until next fall. it was also a very full day, but we had a great time with our two after-school friends :)

thorn: today is the SECOND pay day that has come and gone since my final exit interview with a certain former employer, and i still haven't been paid. i'm excepting my final vacation pay. it's so irritating how slow they are to do anything for others. they cancelled my company credit cards within hours of my resignation, but can't seem to find time to pay me for my accrued hours owing.

rose: today the two kids i'm taking care of after school came over for the afternoon. we had a nice time, but my favourite, favourite bit was when we had snack. we all sat in the kitchen, chatting away, getting to know each other better. at one point, when they were telling me about a trip they took to germany last year, i told them that i went to germany when eamon was a baby. and the little girl said with great enthusiasm "we have so much in common!". it was very sweet.

thorn: i'm the kind of person who figures out what she wants to do, and then figures out what she needs to do that. my mom always gives me a hard time about being "a planner". i don't see myself that way at all. i'm a doer. i liked to do stuff, and to do stuff you have to plan stuff. i came up with a great plan to work at next 15 hours a week, find someone to take care of otis (my first plan was eamon's daycare, but they can't take him til he's 18 months), and i would also do before and after school care (i'm walking eamon to and from school anyway, i might as well bring a few more kids with me, and get some extra income while i'm at it). but so far my plans have not come together as smoothly as i imagined. thankfully things at next are secure, but i'm still scrambling to find childcare and i was supposed to start on tuesday. and with my childcare service, i have spots for 3 full time (before AND after school), or 6 part time (before OR after school). and so far i have 2 after school. i'm feeling a little discouraged, and it's easy to question my decisions.

--

today was éamon's last day of daycare. it's one of those things that if i allow myself to over think about it, i could get emotional or nostalgic about it, so i will try not to. but the thing that strikes me about it, is that i remember thinking back when he started going to daycare, that he would he was still my same little baby, and he'd stay my little baby, but grow and grow gradually. and eventually, he'd leave that place a little boy ready for school. and here we are. and the same is true of school. he'll go to school as a 4 year old, and he will slowly and gradually grow and change, until he leaves there at 14. it's best to not overthink it. i love him, and i get to enjoy him every day, through every stage. and that doesn't change.

rose: while taking an evening walk with my kids, i was thinking about our upcoming change of routine. i've been worried about it. i've been feeling a little down about the transition (even though i'm excited about the new routine). but thankfully, during our walk, i thought about how when i've been on vacation, or during that week that eamon was in VBC, it only took 1 or 2 days to get into a routine. so i feel encouraged that it won't take weeks or two months to find a rhythm.

thorn: finding childcare for otis continues to be a struggle. i had one lead that fell through, and another possibility that i'm not super comfortable with (i don't know her at all, and don't even have any mutual friends to ask about her). it's a lot to trust a stranger with a baby when they don't come with any recommendations. also, my sunglasses smell like urine. sometimes, when i'm at next, i just put otis's diapers in my tote bag and i throw them out at home (i don't want them stinking up next). i'd lost my sunglasses for most of the summer, only to find them in my tote bag. while wearing them, i could distinctly smell urine, but didn't know why. thankfully i figured it out.

rose: brendan and i have watched a lot of good shows together. and every time we're currently watching a show, it's my favourite. but the episode we watched tonight of game of thrones was crazy good. like, the best. really really satisfying. i'm thinking about reading the books. they'd go into a lot more detail i'm sure.

thorn: i've found that i've reached the end of my mat leave routine, and i'm feeling sad about it. i know that my new routine will be good, and i'm excited about each new activity. but i'm nervous about the unknown, and the process of settling into a new normal. i'm hoping it will at least go smoothly. i'm struggling to find a babysitter for otis during my part-time hours at next. i'm trying not to stress about it, because i know something will work out. i think i'm partly anxious because i'm ready for him to have a babysitter, and for me to just focus on next stuff when i'm at next. juggling him and my duties is a lot, and i want to just do one at a time.

on friday we went to eamon's daycare graduation. it was fine. i had hoped that they would say which schools the kids were all going to, to help us connect with the parents, but they didn't do that. anyway, while we were there, brendan noticed a woman staring at my unshaven legs. so he decided to obviously stare at here while she stared at me, just so she was aware of him noticing. he was quite baffled why it was so noteworthy to her. he said "it's like a beard, that's just what happens when you don't shave". so i pointed out to him that there is a difference. women are not given the choice if they want to shave or not. it's pretty much required for women to shave. and the funny thing is that it's women who notice. the only time that i ever feel weird about my non-conforming hairy legs is around other women. and that's super weird to me. why should i spend (waste) my time shaving, and my money on hair-removal products for the sake of other women?!?! there's no good reason.

on another note, after a discussion about showers at shannon's birthday bash, i decided to give evening showers a try. it will definitely simplify my mornings. and i feel all clean and cozy post shower.

yay! i just got my first two kids for my before and after school service :) and i'm extra excited that it's a family at next. so that's definitely a major rose for today.

rose: i loved late evening go-carting for shannon's birthday this evening. i loved leaving the house on my own with just a purse. listening to 54-40 on the radio in the car under the cover of night. it's nice to get these moments to remember and reconnect with who i am as an individual, rather just being a mom, or a worker, or something/anything required of me. it was nice.

thorn: feeling kind of sick after go-carting. i drove fast, and the course was very swirvy, plus the fumes. ugh.

--

come on, come on, get up, i want to take you
away from all of this, and what has got you lost and feeling down
you just get it off your back, let it fly away.

rose: our new mattress is extremely comfy. i had a lovely nap on it this morning. i'm very grateful for all the support i've been getting from friends and family on my before and after school service. at this point, i have a strong interest for two spots (an acquaintance who will need b/a care for her kids once her husband gets a new job), but nothing firm yet. i'm kind of surprised that i haven't had more inquiries. i feel i've done a good job promoting this service. most of the interested people don't send their kids to MBES. but i am optimistic that it will pan out, especially since i might just need one more person. i'm so happy with how i have that space set up. i hope i get to use it to help others.

thorn: the day after jill's wedding, i cleaned out our rain gutters. brendan is scared of heights, so he held the ladder for me. despite this, our gutters are still either overflowing or leaking. it's causing a damp spot in one corner of our basement. it's not a big deal, but it's annoying. also, during a visit to the park this evening, we witnessed a disgruntled, unsportsmanlike parent arguing with the soccer referee and now eamon is going around quote the man saying "you're garbage". (thankfully it's straight up quoting and not calling us garbage).

rose: our double bed has felt a little cramped these days when the two junior lorimers get into bed with us. so it was time to upgrade to a queen. we've talked before about wanting to get a mattress with a pillow top, so that's what we got. it got delivered today. it's quite the change. wide-wise the difference is noticeable but fine; but length-wise, it's a bit of an adjustment visually.

thorn: (which starts with a rose) today, eamon was completely content to play in the backyard by himself. this is a big deal, especially because just hanging around the house on a monday used to be quite a trial. but we didn't really have a choice, because we were waiting for the mattress to be delivered. i was surprised and delighted when he was happy to just play by himself. i even got to have a shower while he was outside and otis waited in the crib (quite patiently i must add). however, eamon's play was rather messy. he was pretending to lay new cement with wet sand, and so on. so before brendan got home, i got in quite a panic that he was going to be cross. brendan is objectively uptight about mess. and he particularly doesn't like it when eamon moves the sand outside the sandbox. i was rushing to get the sand back in the box, and trying to get through to eamon that his daddy was going to be very mad, when brendan showed up. i was anxious. he handled it calmly at the time, but later reached his limit and called for a moratorium on the sandbox. which results in a fight between us, because i was just happy that eamon was playing creatively by himself, and i was willing to endure the mess for the peace and his fun. we still haven't resolved it. we hit the pause button at dinner time and we'll end up getting back to it later. but i don't know how we will reach an agreement about this. thankfully we're pretty good at setting aside an argument until we find an appropriate time to talk about it.

rose: i just spent two days doing a first aid course. i aced the test, which was nice, and i learned some useful stuff. but my favourite part was getting to read during the lunch and break times. i'm also very grateful that otis did really well. that was the longest time we've ever been apart (8 hours, then 6 hours), and for the most part, he didn't notice. although today, he cried when he saw me, which probably means he did miss me.

thorn: i made a bit of a mess while repainting the floor in our downstairs kitchen. not too much, but enough. it was just bad timing because b needed me to take care of otis so he could make dinner. it can be challenging trying to get anything else done while parenting.

rose: when we lived on york street, i loved loved loved my balcony. i would regularly tell people that it was my favourite place in the world. when we bought our house on brant, we didn't go out looking for a house with a front porch, but i love that we got one that has one. especially a front porch that is covered and shady.

thorn: i've heard before, that no matter how big your space, people will fill it. when we lived on main street, our living quarters were small. and our house now (with our basement) is three times the size of that. and yet, it gets messy all the time, and feels cluttered. i need to get rid of some stuff. it's all the little things that fill it up.

rose: i don't do well with things that i HAVE to do. i usually resent things that i'm obligated to do, even things that i do voluntarily. generally, my instincts are to shirk routine. so i really, really enjoyed lying in bed reading my book this morning while eamon was at VBC and otis napped. it's especially liberating to be finished my ambitious handcraft project. it's all books and harry potter cross-stitch for the foreseeable future.

thorn: parenting feels heavy lately. heavy in the way that something feels when you've been carrying it for a while and you've grown tired. we're "on vacation" this week, but vacations aren't what they used to be. i long for rest. i suppose sleep is a good place to start.

rose: we enrolled eamon in the VBC that my sister runs. she puts a lot of time, energy and heart into the whole thing, and while it's not really our cup of tea, i felt i needed to send him to it. brendan has this week off of work, so it'll be nice to have our mornings relaxing at home. and that's just what we did. i got a new novel from the library and sat out on the front porch reading while otis napped.

thorn: do-it-yourself projects are a powder cake for brendan and i. we don't communicate well, and i get easily frustrated. i find it difficult because i have the desire, but limited skills. meanwhile, brendan has the skills and no desire. so i have to coax him into helping me, and usually it goes badly. even for something small the the project we tried to undertake today.

thursday rose(s): i was very tired after a rough night with otis, so i really appreciated getting to lie in the grass with my eyes closed as otis napped and while eamon played in the sand pit in city park. that night i went to bed at 8 pm. which was glorious.

friday was my last official day as a bt employee. it feels funny that my time there is done. i think i will habitually forget that i don't work there anymore. i feel peace about it though. it was time, and i'm grateful that i'm not returning.

saturday rose: i finished my gift for jill and ryan's wedding! and i hear that they bought a house, so it's good timing. it'll be a wedding AND house warming gift. we also got to go out to andrew's birthday party, which was really fun.

saturday thorn: otis cried a lot, and joelle had to call joy for reinforcement. i'm not upset or bothered that he cried so much, because he's a baby and will eventually grow out of this phase. but it would be nice to go out without worrying about him. eamon didn't struggle with babysitters the same way. otis particularly wants my company. i would love to get out more without him, or to go out with b more, but i guess i'll need to be patient til he gets there. next saturday and sunday, i'm doing a first aid course, and it will be the longest i've been away from him. i guess i'll have to wait and see how that goes.

rose: growing up, we always had an electric lawn mower. i'd heard once that if you try mowing when the grass is just a little bit damp, you would get electrocuted and die. that scared me, but i also used that to my advantage since it was a good excuse to not mow when i didn't want to. the cord was a real nuance, but i like that the handle bar would flip over to the other side. brendan wanted a gas mower when we were looking, so that's what we got. tonight, b was awaiting a call from our insurance company when he was only halfway through cutting the lawn, so i took over. despite the fact that i'd never used a gas mower before, i managed to turn it on, mow until the gas ran out, determine that it was out of gas, refill it with fuel, and continue mowing. i was quite proud of myself.

thorn: my first potential before and after school care client just fell through. her daughter goes to a different school, but i thought i might be able to manage meeting her at the bus. turns out the closest bus stop is too far from the school, and there isn't enough time to get there to pick her up. i'm pretty bummed out. also, i have concern that my other part-time job might not pan out. i'm someone who gets discouraged and encouraged very easily. things might turn around tomorrow. i've been told that parents are last minute and don't really start sorting out their plans until right before school. i'm just afraid that i'm not well connected in this neighbourhood, or that i don't have an established reputation, so parents won't want to give my service a try. thankfully, i crunched our numbers, and could manage until next summer on just one income. but hopefully that won't be necessary. i've spent so much time in the last week getting the basement set up. i've worked really hard. i hope things will pan out.

rose: otis' hair reminded me of liam gallagher's today (short and spiky on top, yet long at the sides). he is getting soooo cute, sweet and interactive. i'm really enjoying this stage. this age with eamon was much more difficult. i was more uptight about the things he put in his mouth, i was inexperienced and the end of my mat leave was looming. i remember it felt like my heart was constantly squeezed, as we inched towards my return to work. i'm so glad, and feel so free that i don't have to be separated from him. in september i'm going to be working at next 3 days at week, but those shifts are 5 hours long. and i feel much more positive about opening up his world to other caregivers. also, i'm starting to get inquiries about my before and after school service, which is really nice :)

thorn: i stopped by michael's today to buy supplies to make a gift for my niece's 6th birthday. i was short on time, but thought that 12 minutes would be enough. after looking over all the embroidery thread, deciding what colours i wanted/needed, i looked at my watch, and found that it was 11:27, and i had agreed to meet my mom at a condo she is interested in buying at 11:30. so i dashed to the cash only to find a line of 8 people. so i had to leave everything in the cart, and race off to meet my mom. the extra annoying bit is that now i still don't have the supplies i need and i'll have to go back again :S

rose: this afternoon, we went to a gathering at paul and sarah's place, for joanna, who's visiting from australia. our sons hit it off, and a short visit became a long visit, which turned into dinner :) it was really lovely hanging out. joanna is such an enriching presence, genuine and unpretentious. i'm looking forward to more time together over the next few days.

thorn: we had a really rough morning. otis had me up at 5:30, and by 8:30 i had reached my rope's end with eamon. he was constantly ignoring me; everything i said rolled off him like water off a duck's back. when i showed that i was upset, he just laughed at me. which made me feel so worthless. i remember reading once that the things that REALLY upset us with our kids, are really unfinished business from our childhood. my sister controlled everything and i had no power or say in my interactions with her. she made me feel frustrated and desperate. there's definitely an emotional connection there. sometimes i feel like i pick all the wrong battles with him. i mostly just want to follow through with my instructions and be consistent. i'm trying to instill certain traits, specifically being considerate of others, and it feels like a losing battle.

wednesday's rose was going out with shannon for drinks. we tried and shared a dirty martini, then i ate bubba's poutine for the first time on a bench.

thursday's rose was a visit with beckie.

friday's rose was painting the bathroom downstairs (it never ceases to amaze me how much a coat of paint can change a space) and vacuuming. that carpet really badly needed vacuuming, and it gave that satisfying static-y sound that indicates LOTS of stuff is being sucked up. also, i maguivered the light socket in the bathroom – the lightbulb broke off in it when i tried to unscrew the bulb, but i managed to get it out. i like bringing things through to completion, so when stuff like that happens, i feel like "ho-ya!"

friday's thorn was injuring my finger. lately, it seems when tenants move, we end up having to take a load of stuff to the dump. we were hauling guy's old tv, when it fell over and smooched my pinky finger. also, after all that, the dump closed early, so all the stuff is still in my car.

down there

rose: i got started with moving in to our space downstairs. getting it set-up as a play area, and as part of our home. the nice time about painting is that it helps me make a place my own. i feel like i'm reclaiming a space that once belonged to tenants. it's already looking really good; i'm happy and looking forward to spending time there, and being able to send my kids down there to play :)

thorn: it seems every time we have a tenant move out, we're not completely sure when they're done moving (mostly because they leave stuff behind). so i waited around for a couple hours this morning trying to figure out if she was coming back or not. eventually i concluded that she wasn't. i always find it hard to discover that tenants have not taken good care of the space. not just because it's property that belongs to us, but because i can't understand why people would not take good care of their home (even as renters, it's still their home). it's especially annoying when there are surprises – such as, a bunch of stuff left behind shoved in a cupboard, or a dresser conveniently left in place to hide moldy-mildew on the walls. or a blackened toilet bowl :S oh well, nothing we can't handle.
--

my thorn was longer than my rose. but my rose was actually much bigger. i have been lying in bed at night for weeks, daydreaming (is it called daydreaming when it's night time?) about how i'm going to decorate our basement, and where i'll put everything. i'm really pleased with how it's shaping up.

ending and beginning

rose: i took the fellas for a mini roadtrip down to napanee. it was a beautiful day, and we had a lovely drive with the windows down. this is also the day that our downstairs tenant is moving out. it was just a short-term arrangement, since i need that space for childcare. i'm thankfully that she lived with us for just 2 months, instead of a whole year. partly because it helped us make the decision that we are ready to occupy our whole house.

thorn: the aforementioned downstairs tenant no longer makes eye contact with me. and gives me short one or two word answers when i try to make small talk. it's hurtful and disappointing. things didn't end as positively as i expected or even hoped they would. truthfully, i don't really see any reason why for things to be this uncomfortable. while our interactions and relationship with her seems to have fizzled out, i suppose can be grateful that this experience wasn't worse.

yesterday's two roses

1) brendan made the most delicious fried chicken i have ever had.

2) lately on sunday evenings, we spend our after dinner time just hanging out in the grass of our backyard. it's oddly that time of day that eamon is most content to just play. it's interesting to me that it started as something to fill the time between dinner and bedtime, but it's fast becoming one of my favourite past-times. it seems that life kind of works that way. it's often the things we do to fill empty chunks of time that eventually define that time in our lives.

rose: we spent an overnight at a cottage with ben, meg and audrey, followed by an evening at beckie's cottage yesterday. it was really lovely.

thorn: for many years, my biggest anxiety was that when people got to know me, they would not like me. eventually, my self-confidence and self-worth improved, as well as my opinion of myself. i do however, feel that this is exactly what has happened with our current downstairs tenant. i feel like when she first moved in, she was very friendly and would interact with us a lot. and over the last month has increasingly grown to dislike us, even disapprove of us. which is hard, because we have tried to be accommodating, understanding, friendly and generous. it has me questioning myself a lot.

rose: usually on tuesdays, i don't feel like going into work at next in the morning. and usually the morning drags a bit, but by afternoon, i usually get busy and more people arrive, and by the time i leave it feels like a full and rewarding day. i particularly enjoy my regular chats with sue, steve and jill. i've been appreciating connecting and being in the loop with their lives. also, one of my most favourite things is taking something in need of improvement, and improving them. today i got to paint a chalkboard a next, since there was a sewing camp using my regular work space. it looked good, and i'm sure it will increase communication.

thorn: lately i've been very thirsty a lot of the time. i've also been feeling as though i've put on weight. i'm pretty sure there's a connection between those two things. at the very least, when you're dehydrated you retain water and feel heavier.

rose: when i was in college and procrastinating doing my work, i found that i got a niggley feeling when i was trying to relax, but knew i should be doing my homework. i always felt better once it was done. and that continues to this day. most of the time, i have a running list of things i should do, calls to make, emails to send, stuff to put away, etc. and today i addressed several things. it felt good. 

thorn: the biggest difference between one kid and two (for us) has been the increased volume. otis in particular is in a stage in which he yells in the top of his lungs just for the sake of yelling. he's always been a noisy kid, and i find it cute and endearing, but sometimes i can get overwhelmed when i'm trying to do something that requires thought and my two kids are screeching and the radio is playing. too much.

rose: i'm making some serious progress with my handcraft! i had hit a lull for a little while there. partly because i was frustrated that it was 3 steps forward, 2 steps back the whole way. but i'm finally in a groove, and feel like i'm rounding a bed and heading towards completing it. which is good, because i need to start on a new handcraft for my niece's birthday present, who is turning 6 in one month. also, i love all the strong female leads on game of thrones this season. they are really dominating!

thorn: i took the fellas to a kids program today to get us out of the house, only to be turned away because otis wasn't old enough. it was pouring rain, and we needed to do something to keep us busy, so i was pretty upset. i hadn't planned on him participating, but they wouldn't even let him be there. thankfully, they did let us into another group at the same location, which is normally french but there weren't other kids there so we got to play and participate without it being an issue. eamon is still keen to go to the other group sometime, and asked me if i could sometime leave otis with daddy and just take him. also, dealing with eamon flare-ups caused by disappointment is tough.

rose: talking with scarlete at the church picnic today. it's been a while since we've had a chance to get caught up. also, b and i got our kids in bed early enough today that we had time to watch a movie!

thorn: difficult interactions with a tenant. i'm consistently left confused and wondering what the hell just happened.

day-trip abroad

TODAY

rose: taking a road trip to watertown to get some good flea medication for the cat at target. getting to shop at target. having lunch at a 50s style american diner, and stopping at the zoo (which has only domestic and endangered animals). our favourite was the otters.

thorn: getting stuff at the border for 45 minutes. otis's car ride limit is around 1.5 hours before he starts to lose it. so smooth sailing at the border would've helped us avoid that.

YESTERDAY

rose: a nice visit with my mom. taking the fellas to meet her new kitty.

thorn: éamon broke my favourite umbrella.

hats and naps

rose: i've been so tired lately. it's been a busy week, with little down time at home. so this afternoon, i was so grateful for a short chunk of time, when eamon was playing in the bath, and otis was contently exploring the house (specifically his shared bedroom), and i could tidy up. then, when otis had a nap, eamon watched some peppa pig, and i got to nap on the bed beside him! i often feel like naps are wasted on children who don't appreciate them. so it was nice to get to have a quick nap.

thorn: i bought this hat today, that i thought was exactly what i was looking for (a straw hat that had a hole in the top for my hair). but it turns out it's like a straw fedora. i don't like it, and i feel embarrassed wearing it. i didn't realize at first, because it was folded down. but it's all wonky around the rim, because it's supposed to be bent up.

turn around

rose: well, it was announced today that i'm hired at next! i like that that's how i found out that i have a part-time job :p i'll be working 15 hours a week (5 hours over 3 days). which pairs nicely with my before and after school gig. i've really enjoyed volunteering at next. i've been doing one day a week since january. it meets a need/desire in my life, for concrete, hands-on work, with immediate sense of completion. parenting doesn't offer that kind of satisfaction (although, different kind). i feel like being in there more days will help me do more than scratch the surface. currently, i take otis along, but in september i'll have him in some kind of childcare situation (i have one good lead already).

thorn: yesterday i accidentally reset our router instead of the modem. i have never had a laptop, and therefore never had to set up wifi before. it was frustrating and stressful, partly because i was trying to fix it for others who do need it/depend on wireless, rather than an ethernet cable. it was also annoying, when i called the support line, and they tried to get me to pay for their services. i'm not paying for something i can figure out myself. thankfully, in the end, i did prevail.

four years

for the first time ever, eamon is at daycare on his birthday. i suppose it's a sign of our changing relationship, and his expanding world. although, otis and i are taking some cookies to the daycare for his class's afternoon snack, and he'll probably come home with us after that.

eamon at four is a pretty amazing kid. i love that gradually over the last year brendan and i have reached a point that we can have full-on conversations with him. he's inquisitive and engaged. he regularly surprises us with the things he remembers and his sense of direction. not only is it hard to believe that he's the same kid born four years ago today, it's shocking that a little baby who is barely aware of the world around him, much less the people, can develop into this little person. sometimes i think about all the stuff in life that he will discover down the road, such as world events like WW2, that he has no idea about. thankfully the learning curve of life allows us all to take things in a little at a time.

this past year changed us from a duo (speaking of me as a mom with one child) to a trio. and that hasn't always brought out the best in either of us. but on the other hand, when things are good, it brings me so much joy to watch my boys play and giggle together. i'm trying to do better. to read him better, and to teach him to read himself and the room. i want us to be co-collaborators and for our time together to be filled with love and peace. i also want us as individuals to feel... (i'm having difficulty coming up with a word) whole. i have this image of strong cloth in my head – absent of holes, tears, pulls, thin spots or stains. is there a word for that? well, i want us to feel that way when we're together. not new, but strong, in tact and comfortable. 

monday in the park

rose: this afternoon, when eamon was showing signs of needing some outdoor time, we went over to the park to hangout. i took a blanket, a magazine, some toys for otis and eamon took some sand toys. i love sitting in the shade on a sunny day, and i enjoyed a few minutes of peace before one or both of my kids were climbing on me. i may need to make that a regular after lunch activity. eamon did dump sand on the grass and on the baby, but i decided i was just going to let it go. it's not my sand, so i am not going to worry about it.

thorn: we stayed longer at the park than we planned, and i had told brendan that i would make dinner since we needed to leave at 5:00 for eamon's soccer lesson. so when 4:30 came around, brendan quickly threw together a simplified version of our planned meal. it put something in our bellies, but it was not filling, particularly tasty or sustaining. it particularly sucked because we missed out on greek food for joelle's birthday because of eamon's soccer. so our disappointing dinner was definitely today's thorn.

easy like a sunday morning

rose: overall, it was quite a lovely day. probably the most special bit was getting to nap in the afternoon :)

thorn: how messy, and remessy my house gets. i would say it's because i have small children, but i know it was like that when i lived alone too. maintaining cleanliness is not a strength of mine.

belated

yesterday's highs and lows...

rose: hanging out at the yard sale all day was really fun. we stayed longer than expected because we were having a good time, and didn't have any thing else we needed to be doing. afterward i took eamon swimming at the butlers' pool, thanks to our open invitation, and enjoyed a long visit with sarah and a visit with stephen too.

thorn: helping pack up all the stuff from the yard sale after a long day. i wish there had been more people around to help at that point, but we can learn from this experience. i'm going to write up a lessons learned document to share with the elders for next time.

yardsailing

rose: spending time with friends and my fellas, sorting all the yard sale stuff at next. i enjoyed joking and working together; loved that my kids could keep themselves occupied and play with other kids; getting to set an example for them to give time and energy to help others; finding quirky and appropriate gift for a friend; and scoring a bunch of great stuff from the yard sale lot.  

thorn: the hour of so when brendan and i sorted through the stuff by ourselves, because the other volunteers forgot to come. i felt let down and angry that i'd gotten my hopes up. that people had made a commitment that i trusted they would keep, but didn't. we'd made a decision as a group that we wanted to do a yard sale, and i was wondering if people liked the idea in theory more than in practice. BUT we seem on track for tomorrow. i followed up with a few folk, and they sound firm in their commitment. so i'm glad. it'll work out in the end.

baths and libraries

rose: i had another really enjoyable day with my sons. i especially liked that eamon, repeatedly asked to sit on my lap, which i realized he hasn't really done in a while since he's been having to be the big brother. another rose is that when i had to give my cat a bath (to get rid of the flea dirt she's covered in at the moment), she did not claw at me, or cut me once. she did make load, low guttural noises, but that was ok. i would happily endure sounds that imply that i'm torturing her, than be clawed for helping her out.

thorn: the library wouldn't let me put a flyer for my before and after school service up. they don't promote "businesses". while i understand that, it stinks because it's a really convenient location (right beside the school). i know it's still early, but it would be really nice if i could start meeting parents and getting some kids signed up. i only have 3 spots. that seems like a realistic number to fill. so i've posted my flyers at various parks instead.

unnecessary errands

my most obvious rose and thorn of the day involve the same story. renting a carpet cleaner to dry out of basement only to find it was already dry.

rose: we were able to return it and be refunded. and the carpet was dry.

thorn: we wasted a good hour or so renting it, then returning it.

other noteworthy rose and thorn moments were...

rose: otis napped well at next, it was complete smooth sailing with eamon tonight.

thorn: feeling unsure that the next yard sale this weekend will come together as a community effort, and not rest mostly on my shoulders.

most bizarre and amusing part of my day was when we found the spare mattress from our basement on the side of the road about a block and a half from our house. a tale for another time.

rose: this afternoon, i found a recipe for a cleaning solution that would cut the grease covering various parts of my kitchen. it was made of vinegar, dish soap, baking soda and water, and it worked really well. our windows are right beside the oven, and are something of a featured element in our kitchen. which makes it that much more noticeable that they were covered in dusty grease grime. yuck. so i'm really pleased.

other things i'm glad about: i made a cape for eamon's birthday (something to wear), and the lunch bag i ordered him (something you need) arrived today in the mail. it was on back order, so i wasn't sure if it would arrive in time. thankfully it did.

thorn: coaching eamon to have healthy interactions with others continues to be a struggle (but one i felt i made some progress with today). i'm starting to think though, that this new parenting style i've been reading about seems to enable, if not simply permit kids to get away with bad behaviour (re: poor and belittling treatment of others). so being mindful of what i've learned, i tried to stand up for myself in order to put my foot down. i see moderate improvement. i also see a lot of myself in him. this could be used to my advantage, and his advantage too, because i'll be able to help him navigate his feelings.

this afternoon i got some quality time with my eamon. it feels like it's been a while since we've had some good one-on-one time, and it restored my hope and our dynamic. i guess it's true what they say about needing to make time with each individual kid. it's tricky, because i feel like we're together all the time, so how could he possibly need MORE time with me. but it seems that he does, and i do too.

on our way home from a completely beautiful wedding this weekend (in more ways than one), we stopped at a service station. we'd left eamon in k-town with his nana while we were at the wedding. and were constantly amazed at how much easier just one kid was. we had time and opportunity for conversation. we got to stay out later. really there were lots of reasons. and i found it gave us head space and clarity. so while i was alone in the service station washroom, i thought "my hair would look great with a streak of colour in it", like back in my twenties when i did that kind of thing. and i planned to go pick up some wash-out hair dye later that day. but now that we're home, and juggling two kids again, that notion of self-care or even fun self-expression has fallen to the wayside. which is kind of sucky.

i wouldn't even mind, if it felt like this stage of parenting was slightly more rewarding. we have good moments. like this evening when eamon and i took a walk up the street and back a few times. and while he sat on my lap at the buskers. i also really enjoy having conversations with him. but it's impossible to know when those lovely moments might just explode in my face.

looking forward to tomorrow's bright spots. and optimistic that we'll handle the challenges from a positive angle

today was one of those days that i got a lot of stuff done that i've been needing to do. you know, all those things that are at the back of your mind. the ones that when you think about them, you say "ah, i've been meaning to do that". i got a bunch of those things done today, and it was great. i'm so glad. sometimes a bunch of little successes are more important than one big one.

i'm still here.

i haven't anything to say at the moment, but so i thought, since i had some spare time, that i would simply say that.

i love hanging diapers on the line and seeing how clean they are when i take them down. i enjoy the simplicity of it. i think i'll miss that a lot once we're past the diaper stage.

serial numbers

after last year's washing machine related basement flood, we bought a brand new washing machine. we felt that meant we wouldn't have to worry about major break-downs for a while. but unfortunately, just after our year warranty expired, we started having trouble with it. so I had a repairman come in, and he told me that the part we needed would cost $400 (not including labour). this is more than half of what we paid. I was pretty frustrated and disappointed. so today I called the manufacturer, in hopes that they might be able to do something (apparently some machine parts have a longer warranty), and thankfully they agreed to a one-time courtesy repair. I am relieved. I'm hoping it will be as straightforward as that, and there won't be any surprises. it also redeems my opinion of this particular manufacturer. 

i'm in need of a little agency in my life. i want a break from exterior factors, things completely unrelated to me, impacting how i spend my time. i'm looking forward to august, when i can figuratively throw my hair up, and get organized.

saturday (and sunday) in the park

i really enjoyed SPAF this weekend. it was probably the first year since i was pregnant with eamon that i felt i could just sit and enjoy the festival. we're in this funny reprieve between eamon's busy baby/toddler years and otis's busy baby/toddler years. although otis can crawl, he's not getting into everything. and he can still nap on the fly.

it was nice because i often feel a lot of anticipation leaving for the festival in the morning, and then in the evening, head to bed with a "well, that's it for this year" kind of feeling. but having a second day of festival was really nice. it felt different from yesterday, probably partly because it was slightly different crowd to hangout with.

it's been a long time coming, i guess. but it's still noteworthy. i sent in my resignation to bbd. while i have never once seriously considered returning after this maternity leave, i was hesitant to hit that 'Send' button. it just made it very final. i'll have to return my company credit card, and my ID, and complete an exit interview, but other than that, i'm done. well... as of august 11. they sent me a PDF of the "exit procedure" that i'll have to look over at some point. i'm not sad. but feel a little nervous. that job has provided some security, despite how unstable the company was.

i do relish having my freedom, and knowing that my days are not numbered with otis. i'm relieved i won't have to go through the process of leaving my baby at daycare, and feeling exhausted a lot of the time from working full time and being a mom to small kids. we'll learn to be tighter with our money, which we have done in the past, just not lately. and i have a few irons in the fire, but i won't get into that right now.

i'm grateful for my career at bbd, even though it ended on a negative note. it's as though i stayed longer than i should've. or maybe just long enough to know it was right to move on.

silent

brendan is away at a work conference. while he was away, his computer crapped out on him, so we can't facetime or email. i thought he would call this evening, but he hasn't. i'm disappointed. it's not that i have anything i need to tell him, and it's not that i need to hear from him, but i'm disappointed because of my expectations.

i don't really know what to do with myself. i could go to bed, but i'm not really sleepy. i could cross stitch some more, but i don't really feel like it. i think i feel slightly off, because my norm is shifted.

now, i don't want to get all gushy about brendan. i do miss him, and am looking forward to him returning tomorrow. i find it quite fascinating that our 7 year wedding anniversary is coming up, and i have never once grown tired or bored of him. he still has stories to tell me that i don't know. he still surprises me, and impresses me.

i suppose i shouldn't feel mad that he hasn't called. no doubt that he wanted to call, and wasn't able to for whatever reason.

sump

lately i've been experiencing some anxiety. knots in my stomach. unwelcome unease. i thought at first it was circumstantial, and maybe it is or was, but it seems to be grabbing hold of me and i can't shake it. at times like this, i often think "if only i could sit and rest, i'll feel better" or "if only i could get some stuff done, i'd feel better". and neither seem to be helping.

perhaps it's just a season of adjustment, in one particularly area of my life. and once i get into a new rhythm, i'll feel more at peace. or maybe i'll just have to look forward to the end of this short chapter, and know that this pressure will let up once it reaches conclusion.

in recent years, it does seem like external factors have been making me more anxious than stuff in my own life.

i think i've been hand crafting for 3 hours now. which means that otis has been sleeping that whole time. i suppose it's time to get him up, and get busy.

one of my favourite sounds is a lawn mower cutting grass. not only is it lovely white noise, it conjures up summer feelings. a relaxed pace of life. a departure from regular routines. eamon, otis and i sat out on the back deck watching brendan mow the lawn this evening. the sky was blue, the grass was deep green. eamon had a snack, i had a cider, and otis kept grabbing at evening – keeping life interesting. it was a sweet, sweet moment in my day.

confused

i am glad that mental health concerns are being normalized in our culture. everyone struggles with their mental health sometimes, even if not everyone has a serious diagnosed condition.

one thing i'm confused about though, is there a difference between an unhealthy person and someone with mental illness. i'm certain i have known people in life who are self-destructive, and they make a negative impact on the lives of the people around them. i have learned to be guarded with such people. i have lost friendships when the toxicity just became too much for me to manage.

so i get confused by these ads that i see that compares mental health with physical illnesses. with the message that you would never ditch someone for having diarrhea, and mental illness is just as real. true. but does everything fit under the mental illness umbrella? where's the line between mental illness and someone making destructive choices. are we supposed to endure everything others dish out? because mental and emotional problems impact others in a much different way than physical illness. and it can take its tole on relationships.

truth be told. i really don't know. i want to be loving all the time, but find sometimes i get burned.

connected

the fellas and i went for an outing to value village this afternoon. i bought us some books, two onsies and a replacement yellow bat for eamon. while i was there, i bumped into frank. he's one of my favourite people. we stood talking for quite some time, and i got an update on all his family. i wondered what the people around us thought – as in how did we know each other, or the nature of our relationship. not related, not peers, clearly well acquainted and fond of one another. he was definitely my work best friend. it was really nice to see him. sometimes i wonder how we'll maintain our friendship now that we've both left the company, thankfully we both frequent thrift stores :)

cold turkey

both eamon and otis are at really nice ages right now. otis is getting really interactive, and is starting to feed himself finger foods. plus, he's past that stage when a baby can cry and cry for no clear reason. eamon is capable of more and more, and is understanding a lot. much more like a kid than a toddler. i find that things are going especially smooth since i've been implementing what i've learned through the peaceful parenting book.

the family i grew up in yelled a lot. we yelled when we were angry, but also just to communicate. my mom hated it, even though she did it too. brendan's family was not like that. the peaceful parenting approach has inspired me not to yell or be loud when communicating. not only has it not been as hard as i expected, i feel like it's really changed our atmosphere. sure, sometimes it feels like i'm still ineffective at getting eamon to cooperate, but at least now i'm calm and ineffective rather than loud/angry and ineffective.

tonight eamon was simply not tired, and i couldn't get him to stay in bed. b was at a band practice, so i just stayed calm and just tried to wait him out. there was no point in getting mad. i knew he wasn't purposely "disobeying". he just couldn't sleep, and that happens to everyone sometimes. so eventually, he did nod off at 9:30. and i was able to carry on with my evening as planned.

i am delighted to discover that i can walk to shoppers in 23 minutes. sure, that's not the most handy little stroll, but i like having a destination to walk to, and i often need to pick up things at shoppers. so i can see this being a very good discovery. plus, there's a dollar store right next to it, for those little items that i'm looking for.

i have concluded that this summer, i want to get to know 5 to 6 houses on my street. i'm gong to include both kirkpatrick and oak, since my street is attached to both of those. this seems like a good and realistic number. my goal is to be on a first-name basis with more neighbours. summer time is the best time to do that.

ballpark

when i was a kid, i used to watch baseball on tv with my dad. he would also listen to it on the radio. i thought it was his favourite sport, it was mine. i was surprised to discover as a teenager that football is his favourite sport. i have never in my life watched a football game with him. that strikes me odd. anyway, i was only ever allowed to watch 1.5 of tv a day. except one summer, my mom agreed to let me watch more whenever a baseball game was on. so i took that to my advantage, and watched the game simply because it allowed me the opportunity to watch more tv. however, come the next summer, she did not remember that arrangement, so it was only one summer of unlimited baseball. because of that, i have very positive associations with baseball. it's a relatively calm sport. it's slow moving with lots of dialogue. it's great white noise. the more you watch, the more attached to the individual players ones gets.

i dunno if it's eamon's interest in sports, or just the season of our lives, but brendan and i have gotten back into watching baseball. we figured out how to watch it online. the other day, i said to him "i wonder if there's a schedule we can print out so we can know when there's a game on". he said "we're turning into my grandparents".

breezes

i love being outside with otis. he LOVES the outdoors. from day one, it has calmed him and bring him great contentment. i look forward to seeing him discover and explore the great outdoors.

today i split chalkboard paint on the asphalt pavement.

and ate more chips that i should've.

it's amazing how much better one feels when they actually get to complete a sleep cycle.

perceiving

i had my mom over for dinner tonight. b is in T.O. with his bandmates to see vulvpeck (i'm pretty sure i've spelled that wrong, but that's my preferred spelling). after dinner, i suggested that eamon put his laundry away with the help of gran. they got started, but he soon came to me complaining. at first i didn't know what the issue was, but he had a tattle-tale type of voice. then i caught that he was saying "gran is doing this" and demonstrated her crumpling his clothes together. i laughed out loud when i realized he was upset because she was folding his clothes. we don't bother folding, and instead we just cram clothes in drawers. 

sometimes i forget that if i don't expose him to stuff (like folding laundry and raffi) than he doesn't learn that stuff.

i tend to feel a little embarrassed about not keeping a perfect house, because my mom's and sister's houses are impeccable. i'm more like my dad. i'm cleaner, but i'm not naturally tidy. living with little people doesn't help. thankfully though, i've started clearing out our newborn baby stuff. unfortunately, i misplaced some key screws for bassinet when i washed the fabric, and i couldn't find replacement ones at the hardware store.

lint

my heart is feeling a little heavy. it seems that a lot of people, those i know and don't know, have been touched with difficulties at the moment. from relationship challenges, to loss of loved ones, to houses and neighbourhoods being flooded. and i don't usually have the right words to give comfort.

i also feel a little uneasy, because i'm in a small pocket of peace. we're finally in a rhythm with our two kids and routines. we just had a great vacation. we have so much to be thankful for. and i guess i feel a little funny about that. i don't know if i've ever felt at peace like this before. guiltily peaceful.

i feel weird about it. but at the same time, i should try to use this pocket to encourage and lift-up others. it might be a fleeting phase, so i should make the most of it.

on my way

i like watching grace and frankie on netflix. frankie is so warm and full of life. she really appeals to me. sadly, i concluded today, that out of the two of them, i'm probably more like grace. ugh. so frustrating. it's hard to know if it's nature or nurture, or a combination of the two. i do hope that as i go through life, that i can continue to let go of all the things that bind me. i know that i have wiggled free of quite a bit.

i was thinking recently about myself in my early twenties. i don't really have any patience for that version of me. i'm startled sometimes when i think about all the experiences i had never had or even knew about. i don't even think i'd ever had guacamole until my mid-20s. like, that's weird to me. maybe in about 15 years, i'll think of who i am now and i'll just seem like a fraction of myself. i know i still have a lot to learn, and a lot growth and development ahead of me. i'm grateful for the gentle patience my loved ones offer me as i slowly get it.

tangible

now that we're home from mexico, i have shifted my attention to landlording. we have a new tenant moving in at main street in two weeks, and another tenant moving out here in one month.

getting main street cleaned up, touched up and fixed up (new exterior kitchen door is being installed tomorrow), it is time consuming, yet satisfying. it's good to see efforts producing results in an immediate fashion. sometimes parenting takes months and years before seeing results.

this afternoon i left eamon at josh and corky's place to play with oscar and ezra while i did some work over at our main street house. he had a blast. it's been almost 2 weeks since he was at daycare, and i think he misses having kids to play with. i really appreciated their willingness to have him over.

while i was there, tinkering in solitude, i was reminded about how great that place is. i love our new house, and so sometimes i forget how much i loved living on main street. that doesn't surprise me, because sometimes when we'd be away for a few days, i'd feel like our place was too small. but then we'd get back there, and i found that i loved it just the way it was. it was good being there. like spending time with an old friend. while it didn't make me want to move back there, it felt nice to visit.

cancun and back again

we arrived home from cancun last night. our flight was at 14:50, so we had the morning to hangout. after i packed up our stuff, it was so hot that just sitting still was making me sweat profusely. so i unpacked eamon's and my swimsuits and we went for one last dip.

after we arrived in toronto, went through customs, picked up our luggage and our car, it was dark and was raining quite heavily. i have this thing about passing transport trucks on the highway. before, when i was the primary/only driver, i didn't mind them so much. but now, when i'm mostly a passenger, passing transports freak me out A LOT. i think it's because they feel as though they are inches, or at the most 2 feet away from me. it's usually upsetting, but even more so when brendan drives faster than i'm comfortable with, considering it's raining so much that visibility is bad. so we just had to reach an agreement that i would have to shut my eyes. not a great system. i honestly had serious doubts that we would make the drive home. and on more than one occasion i thought "so, this is how i'll die". it felt ironic enough to be real.

but we made it home. we had a super super super great time. and i'm so thankful. it's good to be home too though. although, we sure missed having someone do our cooking and cleaning today :p

more later!

possibilities abound

man, i am full of ideas.

i have so many interesting ideas that i surprise even myself.

here's my latest thing...

this morning, our downstairs tenant of 18 months gave his notice. after that, we got thinking about whether to find another tenant or be done with that. but after realizing that we really don't need that space yet. eamon isn't old enough to play down there on his own. he likes to be close to us. when he is 6 and otis is 3, i think they'll definitely be ready to have a real play space. so we decided we would rent it out again. then i thought, if we rent it out furnished, we could charge more, plus, we'll need to furnish it eventually anyway. so that's what we'll do, starting in september. 

but wait, there's more! this is where my interesting idea comes in. maybe over the summer, we should list it on airbnb! over 4 weekends we could make the equivalent to a months rent. kingston is touristy, and in a good location between many other major cities. i think this could work! i'm excited. i think it's a good financial decision, AND a new experience we've never done before :)

fingers/jammed

at some point since otis was born, i changed my food habits. i don't even remember when that was. maybe new year? but i think it was earlier than that. maybe november. it has gone well, and i'm proud of myself.

this wednesday, we're leaving for our vacation in cancun. usually i do well with a new routine until there is a disruption. so i am curious to see how i manage there and upon returning from this break from routine. i feel that i have been significantly changed enough that i won't be negatively impacted by this, but i'll have to wait and see.

packing for myself and 2 small children is an interesting experience. under normal circumstances, i would have eamon pack for himself with brendan's help. i think that he is old enough to do that now, but since we are taking limited luggage, we have to be crafty with what we choose, so i'm doing it myself. i think i've reached the point that i need to take a break until wednesday, because we need to use everything else up until then.

this afternoon, all three lorimer males were napping. so i sat down with a cider at the kitchen table. yes, i WAS drinking mid afternoon :p unfortunately, otis woke up the moment i got comfortable. c'est la vie.

helmo

my friend helen died.

i found out this afternoon on facebook, when someone i don't know wrote on her wall and included 'RIP' in the message. my mind was reeling when i saw that her profile had switched to a 'remembering' page.

she was so loving and warm. i was always so touched by how she included and reached out to me, even when she didn't have to. she was so smart, and often times far to smart for me to follow everything she was saying. i have so much respect for her marriage to terrence. they have been together for so long, yet each had a strong sense of personal identity. they were different, and complementary. like different flavours in cooking. my heart breaks for him. i can't imagine his life without her.

i'm glad that brendan got to meet them. we had dinner together a year ago last summer (august 2015).

i'm tempted to say things like "life is so short" and "life is so precious" or "tell your loved ones you love them". but it all feels trite. so instead, i'm going to go brush my teeth, and get into bed with my warm body who i'm grateful for every day. be thankful and relish all the good stuff.

someone i used to know

i bumped into someone from my past the other day. well, bumped into is a bit of an overstatement. i saw this person from a distance. it was the first time in over 10 years that we've crossed paths in this small town. i immediately seized and back-tracked to brendan to regain my composure. i'm not really sure if b understood the significance of this sighting, but he was there for me nonetheless. that relationship is something that i simply choose not to talk about. in fact, in my early blogging days, 12 years ago, i set some blogging ground rules, which included never discussing said events. at the time, that was really important for me. choosing not to talk about it was a way to empower myself. i was not, and am not defined by those experiences, and i would not let it be part of my new reality. but i think at this point, it is more empowering for me to acknowledge it.

here's the long and the short of it...

i had my first boyfriend when i was 15. it was rough and rocky. a bad start into boy-girl stuff. from there, i had a series of 5 boyfriends, over an 9 year period. each relationship was more intense, dramatic and screwed up than the last one (with the exception of joel, which was healthy, but simply not a good fit). by the end of my last relationship when i was 24, i was a hollow and unwell person. and as an unwell person, i pinned all my hopes for wholeness, worth, belonging and identity on one person (who happened to be that last boyfriend). it took about a year and a half (probably shortly before starting my blog) for me to be fully over that break-up. although, at some point, it really stopped being about that one person and/or relationship, but an imaginary version and projections that i had developed in my head. those were ugly years for me. and painful, because the process of emotional and healing is not an easy one, and there are no shortcuts.

after all that, two distinct things happened:

1) i buried everything. i took those experiences and buried them like old-timey garbage disposal. i gathered up that personal history and recognized that i did not want it. it was not who i am, it had no place in my personal narrative. so i buried it with a massive mound of earth. if i don't talk about it or acknowledge it, than it didn't happen. period.

and this has worked well for me. it really did help me to leave it behind and not bring that baggage with me. sometimes it will briefly come up in conversation or in passing, but i am very intentional to not linger on it. i'm certain that i change the subject very quickly. with one exception... one time, when we had first started dating, brendan and i laid on my bed, holding hands and staring at the ceiling, while i told him my whole 9-year dating saga. just so he'd know, and i wouldn't have to gradually tell him stuff over time. he's in the loop.

2) i have grown angry. i've felt protective and outraged on behalf of my younger self, who was so damaged by life's experiences that i ended up in a bad bad place. i have demonized one specific person, so much so that i have literally daydreamed about seeing him in public, and confronting him with swear words and curses. not because i was done wrong by him (i'm actually super glad and thankful that he ended that relationship. so much so, that i owe him a thank you). no, just because (and not surprising) that part of me that i've buried has festered.

spotting him in the grocery store left me unsettled. and i couldn't understand why. it didn't stir up positive or negative feelings. so why did it impact me? well, because my buried mount of personal history was exposed to me. it was like the earth had shifted, and i could see all that crap that i had buried. it was still there, and i saw that it was still real. my emotional time capsule had been uncovered.

this has been troubling me for the last 2 days. and i decided i needed to write about it. not in a private journal, where it could remain hidden and buried. or to a friend, where it could remain mostly hidden and private. or to brendan, would be personally brought into that story and unintentionally have those burdens placed on him. no, i decided i needed to blog about it. i needed to return to my source. the place i decided to bury it and properly deal with it. i don't need to bury it anymore, but i also don't need to hang on to it either. i'm truly done now. the last thing for me to let go of is my residual shame. i know that i'm not that messed-up 20-something anymore. and i don't need to convince you of that either, because you know who i am. i don't need to bury that part of me for me to be free from it. i acknowledge that i am not proud of that time in my life, but it does not have the final say on who i am. i don't need to hide to prove that i am better than i was then. i am well loved, i am whole and complete, i am part of a community, valued and respected, and not despite my past damage. i have grown strong out of that brokenness. whole, holy, complete, competent.

there. that's it. my therapeutic blog post :p

regrets collect like old friends,
here to relive your darkest moments.

stripes and patterns

buying a post-baby bathing suit is always a challenge. but last week i found one that i'm very excited about. i have very specific preferences with swimwear, and it was difficult to find something that met my requirements. 

today, i took the fellas swimming, and i felt good. it supported me in all the right places. 

i'm really looking forward to our trip. we'll be doing a lot of swimming, so i'm glad i have something to wear that fits properly. 

scans

i've picked up some freelance work. i'm enjoying it. the main challenge is that i'm not skilled at properly quoting a job. today i overlooked a large portion of the job and way under quoted for it. thankfully, my client was very gracious about it, and even told me that my quote was ridiculously low. i hope to get better at that part sooner than later. 

phillips

this year with my tax return money, i bought myself a bluetooth speaker. i've been wanting to be able to play music on my computer and hear it in different rooms in our house. shannon told me the other day "it'll change your life". well, it arrived in the mail today, and i can say it's already doing that! i actually cleaned the kitchen today because i wanted to listen to music. i danced, cleaned and sang. it was great.

i've thought often about how i used to dance in the kitchen at my pine street house. and i used to dance in my bedroom at our york street house. but i haven't really done much dancing in recent years. i wondered what had changed in me. but it wasn't me at all! i just didn't have music handy!

brendan is currently at a john mayer show in toronto. he's so funny because he called to tell me that he'd arrived in toronto. turns out he got super lost trying to find the ACC. he is not much of a navigator, and that does not bother him in the slightest. me on the other hand, i take a lot of pride in my ability to navigate and be an efficient driver. i get this from my dad. funnily enough, my dad was here when brendan called, and we were both gobsmacked that b had missed the DVP. it's a big highway. i'm pretty sure the face my dad made when i told him that brendan wanted to know if the DVP was before or after yonge street is the same incredulous face i make all the time. 

anyway, so i'm enjoying the evening watching netflix on brendan's computer using my new bluetooth speaker so everything is louder and easier to hear. usually we have to use the captions on shows because the laptop speakers are so quiet. 

bluetooth

life is funny and strange. yesterday, i was expecting one thing to happen, but then another thing happened instead. a big life-changing thing that didn't happen. so i'm still in the same-old same-old sinking ship. BUT on the other hand, since nothing changed i'll just continue as usual. no impact on the big picture. sometimes i'm just a coward and want to get out of doing hard stuff the easy way. i'm just going to have to muster up the courage to say 'no thanks' when the time comes.

all crypticness aside...

otis has started sleeping much better again. for 3 whole months, he slept quite badly. his first 4 months were unbelievable (he only woke 2 times a night, most of the time), but since christmas it was many, many times. often times it was hourly. however, this week, i started giving him baby cereal before bed, and that has made a HUGE difference. he's back to waking 1 to 2 times a night. i'm VERY grateful.