somersault

we drove past our old house on york street yesterday. our old landlord sold it within the last year, and my dad told me that the new owners had started major work on it. i told him "good, it needed serious work". our neighbours were interested in buying it, but i'd advised her against it since it was in need of serious repairs. that said, we were still surprised when we drove past it yesterday to see that it had been completely gutted and all that remained was the wood frame. it was kind of bittersweet. sweet because i feel that house deserves some TLC, but bitter that the home we knew and loved is gone, we can never return there again to see the secret spot in the closest where i'd written our names and the date. my maxi pad is no more.

shine until tomorrow,
let it be.

barber

spending my days with a newborn baby is both predictable and unpredictable. while each day is similar to the last, éamon mixes things up from time to time. he's a really pleasant baby, so when on the odd occasion he's having a rough day, i'm a little thrown off. yesterday afternoon he wouldn't sleep, and instead just cried and cried. he did eventually settle, but it was early evening by then, and long past the window of opportunity for me to have a short nap. when these hard moments come up, i really try to focus on the fact that i love him. when i tell him "i love you" i find that it makes me feel more loving and reduces any frustration i'm feeling. words really inform my feelings and attitudes, and it's within my ability to control my response to him. he's just a little baby, and we're both still figuring things out. this afternoon, we were jammin' with bob marley. éam really seemed to like my singing :) i should've tried that yesterday.

brendan is a real wiz at settling him and rocking him to sleep. i'm really proud of him for mastering that. i'm also very thankful that one of us has that skill. sometimes it feels like breastfeeding is my solution for everything. b's a good dad.

i think i'll head to bed now. as much as i'd like to do other things around the house while i have some free time, i know that sleeping is good use of my time as well.

true love that now exist is the love i can't resist.

leak

éamon and i went for a walk to wallack's today. i wanted to see if they had any of those hand print moulds. they do, but i think i'll take a look at a few other stores, i wasn't 100% on the kind they had. anyways, after that errand, i wasn't quite ready to come home again, so i walked further down princess, and on the way back stopped in skeleton park. i sat on a bench while éamon slept peacefully. i just sat. after a while, i was struck by the realization that for perhaps the first time in my life (or at least the first time in my adult-life) i felt fully present. my mind seemed almost empty compared to normal. i just sat there peacefully without feeling rushed or being pre-occupied with plans, places or people. it was nice. i kind of hope this will become normal for me.

this afternoon i rearranged the couch in the den. i don't think brendan will like it, i'm not sure if i like it myself. it's got me thinking though about REALLY changing things up in here. not just moving the couch. it's an exciting thought, i find it very satisfying to improve the use of space in a room, and the den is probably the only room i didn't modify in preparation for having a baby.

i've read before that you can use a walnut to repair scratches in wood (floors or furniture). i just gave it a try and it worked perfectly! i bet b won't even notice the scratch, which is good because he's a bit anal about scratches on the floor. is there a nicer word for that than "anal"? i just mean that he's a little obsessed :p

we live our life for the ride.

ducks

éamon is two weeks old today and weighing in at 8lbs 7 oz. he's gaining fast and getting pretty chubby. he's one content little guy.

one of the things that i've been noticing about other parents, now that i'm a parent myself, is that many folks (not all) seem to be under the impression that everyone else's parenting experience is or will be the same as theirs – for example, if their baby is a light sleeper, they assume my baby is a light sleeper. as a result, i'm hearing about all sorts of different stories that contradict each other. and more specifically, i'm hearing all sorts of advise/sympathy for scenarios that i don't find myself in. it makes sense really, because every baby is different (even from siblings) and every parent is different (even from baby to baby). i guess i'm just surprised that some folks are under the impression that what worked or didn't work for them would automatically be the case for us as well. thankfully, parenting (just like life in general) is full of different possibilities, which i like.

yesterday b, éamon and i took a road trip to westport for the afternoon. we walked around, got ice cream, sat in the park, window shopped, bought some fudge, then headed home. it was a really nice day for a drive, and éamon did so well in the car.

so far our transition from being a childless couple into being a trio has gone really smoothly. we feel like éamon has fit into our life together perfectly. someone commented to us the other day "life around your house must have really changed", and we were surprised to realize that we can't think of one single thing that is different than before. it's nice! we do have a really easy going baby, so i'm sure that's really helped.

and it calms me down.

éamon's birth – part four (after thoughts)

it's been eleven days since éamon was born and i've had a lot of time to reflect on the experience. that said, i don't think i needed a lot of time to reach the point i'm at now. almost right away, i felt i'd come to terms with his caesarean birth. perhaps it's because i'd shed some tears beforehand, or maybe it's because after we had our boy, or maybe it's just that being upset about it afterwards wouldn't change anything. but i'm really ok with how things unfolded. sure, it wasn't how i'd envisioned it, and it wasn't my choice, but it is what it is. i'm not going to feel sorry for myself, or alienate myself from other women who had a different experience than me. i feel that my birthing experience is just as legitimate.

the truth of the matter is that i've always felt that birth is an experience and i didn't want to miss out on that, and i REALLY didn't. if anything, i experienced MORE than i'd bargained for. it's not like i arrived at the hospital and asked to be cut open. i went through the WHOLE process, minus the very last stretch. considering the circumstances, i wouldn't change anything i did or any of my choices. i'm happy with how things went.

i also really feel that birthing is an important part of preparing a woman to be a mother. i wanted my birth experience to be empowering and strengthening so that i could confidently rise to the chance of parenting. again, i feel that my experience did that, and adequately prepared me (or prepared me as much as i expected it to).

the funny thing about a c-section is that people are under the impression that it's easier than a vaginal birth. and while i suppose the process is, the healing afterwards is not. i'm on several different pain-killers, can't drive my car for six weeks, and can only take short walks. it's a slow process and not ideal. on friday, i went to shoppers to do some errands and people were cooing over éamon. they asked how old he was, and i proudly said 8 days! they were surprised that i was out and about, so i told them "and i had a c-section", and the one lady said "oh, well i suppose that's easier", clearly not understanding that it was rather remarkable that i was on the mend so soon (for which i'm very thankful for by the way). but whatever :S

after the surgery, i didn't want to look at my incision. i think mico and alyssa were a little concerned that i was avoiding it, but i just didn't want to see it when i still had staples in. in talking with nancy, she commented that it will only look better with time, so it made sense to me to wait and not look at it while it was still unsightly. now that the staples are out (there were 12 in total), my 6" incision doesn't look so bad. at first i was sad about the idea of this scar on my body as a reminder of how things didn't go as planned, but i've since changed my mind. instead of seeing it as a scar, i think of it as a souvenir from éamon's birth. i'm physically marked by that experience just as it marks my spirit.

i have this theory. i've read and heard a lot about oxytocin being a bonding agent. it's my understanding that it's not released with a c-section or when an epidural is used. and yet i feel very bonded to my éamon. all i can think is that because i was pumped full of oxytocin when i was induced that bonding with him has been an unexpected perk.

the doctors were never able to determine why i wasn't able to push him out. i pushed for a long time, and my pushes were strong. he was a regular sized baby and he was facing the right position. they've told me that my pelvis is too small, but it seems that's the excuse they give when they don't have a concrete answer. but mico said that usually when a pelvis is too small, the baby's head is all warped and moulded from trying to fit through. éamon's head was perfectly round. for some reason his head just didn't mould to fit. they've given me a 50% chance of having a vaginal birth next time, but i'm optimistic. i'm pretty sure that on another day, under different circumstances i could've pushed him out. besides, annette told me that he's paved the way for his future sibling, even though he didn't make it all the way out.

brendan was reading an article in the new yorker last week about the history of medicine – specifically surgery. while overhearing him discuss it with nancy, it dawned on me that in a different place and time, had i not been able to push out my baby, he would've died, and i could've died too. today, with the very high caesarean birth rates, i'd taken for granted what a valuable procedure it is when truly necessary. so i really see no reason to be anything other than grateful.

éamon's birth – part three

immediately after the last attempt with the forceps, i was being wheeled off to the OR. things were happening fast. there were a LOT of people in the room (i'd guess about 15, but i don't know for sure). i was quickly given a small plastic jar of sour liquid and told to drink it. i'm not exactly sure what it was, i think it was supposed to kill any bacteria in my body, but whatever it was, i was asked about 3 times afterwards if i'd been given the sour drink, so it must have been important.

brendan was brought along behind me to get changed into some scrubs and as my hopes faded of pushing out my baby i became quite emotional. i tried my best to keep it together, i didn't want the hospital staff to see my cry, but i was overcome. at the time i just thought i was overwhelmed by what was happening, but in hindsight, i was feeling "it wasn't supposed to happen this way!". i was sad, i was kind of horrified, i was frustrated, i was tired, i was scared. i'd heard from a few people that during a c-section it feels like an elephant is sitting on your chest, and i was dreading the feeling of suffocation.

i kept asking for brendan. "where's brendan, where's brendan?" i wanted him with me. i needed to see his face, to hear his voice, to feel his reassuring touch. but each time i asked they'd tell me "he's just outside getting his scrubs on. he'll join you when we're ready".

mico and alyssa were allowed to come in with me. and they brought a calming and familiar presence. mico sat near my head and told me "you can know that you tried everything. you can look back on this and not wonder 'what if i'd tried the foreceps?' you did everything you could". it was nice having that reassurance. especially since she's a midwife and clearly believed we were all out of options.

the hospital staff were trying to up my epidural, which at that point had been starting to wear off. they had this ice pack and would touch it against my skin to gauge my sense of feeling. "is it cold here? is it still cold? how about here?" and everywhere they placed it, i could still feel the cold. now, it's worth mentioning that they'd already upped my epidural before the forceps. at this point, it was at it's max. the doctors then tried pricking me to see if i could feel it.

"can you feel this? you should still feel pressure, but you shouldn't feel any pain".

"yes" i said "i can feel that". 

"you can feel that, or does it hurt?"

"i can feel it, it hurts. it's a pin prick and it hurts".

at this point i was having horrible thoughts of them cutting in to me and me being able to feel the entire thing. they tried adjusting the epidural, then tried the ice and pin prick again, but there was no difference.

with that, they decided that they'd have to put me under. i started crying again. i laid there with my arms stretched out like i was being crucified.

things just kept going from bad to worse. because they were having to use a general anesthetic, brendan wouldn't be permitted in the room. mico joined me again and encouraged me to stop crying. she asked me "do you want me to take pictures?" my first thought was "no, i don't want to remember THIS", but she very firmly stated "brendan won't be able to be here, and you're going to be out. this will be your only chance. i can take pictures and you can delete them if you want." so i gave her my permission.

for some reason, they decided to give me some pure oxygen, holding a mask over my face. i remember quite distinctly that there was a student/resident anesthesiologist holding the oxygen mask, and the weight of his hand was blocking off the air and i couldn't breathe. i tried telling him that he needed to move his hand, but he didn't understand what i was saying.

before getting started, the 15 odd people in the room all went around the circle and introduced themselves to me by their first name and what their role was. i felt that was a really classy move. it made the room full of strangers feel more like a friendly team who were on my side.

soon they started administering the gas that would put me under (i don't actually know what that's called). i remember feeling relieved that at least i wouldn't have to endure the panicky feeling of an elephant sitting on my chest. another upside, was that at least THIS was guaranteed to get my baby out – he would soon be here.

the next thing i knew, i was waking up and brendan was pacing beside me with a bundle in his arms wrapped in a hospital receiving blanket. he was pumped. i remember feeling confused, why was brendan in the operating room? i remember my eyelids were so heavy, and even though i really wanted to see my baby, i was so tired and just wanted to sleep. it turns out i wasn't in the OR, and i was on a gurney rather than the narrow operating table.

i tried looking at him, but the room was so bright and my eyelids were so heavy. someone, probably alyssa, laid him down beside me, and he started breastfeeding. he did very well, he latched on like a pro.

afterwards, someone placed him on my chest and i held him for a long time. i remember finding it strange that i still hadn't had a good look at his face even though we'd been together for at least a half hour. by this time it was around 5ish(?). he was born at 2:36, and my entire family, plus rach and shannon had been waiting in the waiting room. i felt badly for taking so long, so i suggested that brendan got at least the girls so they could see him before going home. they'd been up for so long and were very tired.

slowly i became more awake, and got a close look at his little face. i knew it was him. even though i was asleep when he was born, i could feel that this was my baby.

annette came in and got me cleaned up and dressed me in a gown. i didn't mind the gown at that point, it was easier than trying to put on a shirt. a porter arrived and with éamon in my arms we started heading to our room on connell 3. i was excited for our parents to meet him, i was excited to tell them all about my experience.

éamon's birth – part two

it was around 2:30 that my epidural was fully installed, and the girls were permitted back in the room. now that the pain had dimmed, we all tried to catch some z's. shannon was quite impressive since she was out like a light in what appeared to be an uncomfortable position. rach and b had a harder time sleeping, and i mostly just laid with my eyes closed, but it was still restful. my mind was racing, so i think i did quite well under the circumstances. at 4:30, bridget came in to check my cervix again and found that i was 6 cm. around this time, laurie got even more concerned about the baby's heart-rate, so they decided to do one of those scalp fetal monitors. i have to admit, there was part of me that wished i'd listened better to that part of prenatal class. since i believed i'd be having a homebirth, i didn't really pay attention. as bridget connected the fetal monitor, she found that i'd dilated another centimetre, in only 15 minutes!

by 8:30 i was fully dilated and we were starting to get geared up for pushing. brendan was notifying family and friends via email and telephone. a new day nurse was on duty and i was feeling quite sleepy (not just tired) so i was encouraged to take an hour nap and slept quite well. when 9:30 rolled around we were all in high spirits and annette (our day nurse) said i'd probably have my baby by noon.

there are a few advantages to birthing in a hospital, and the one thing i was most excited about was being able to use the squatting bar. so when things got going, i was all positioned, squatting at the end of the bed. it was tricky at first – pushing. trying to figure out how to push and how to breathe. i was told to take a deep breath and push for ten seconds, then repeat another two times. soon it became brendan's job to count to ten, a task he did very well except once he accidentally sped up (8, 9, 10), and another time he forgot to count completely. it was a good role for him, something he could do with confidence. between pushes everyone was very encouraging, which was very helpful since i didn't feel like i was making any progress. soon the nurse suggested another position using the squatting bar. she said we'd change positions every so often until we found the position that worked best for me. i was pleasantly surprised by this since i didn't think hospitals were open to different positions (i was actually very surprised they had a squatting bar). shannon and rach were on either side of me, holding my legs, or helping position my legs. annette suggested we try a series for 4 six-second pushes, with the last one me holding on for as long as i could. i like this much better than the 3 ten-second breaths/pushes. gradually my lungs got stronger and i could hold+push for much longer periods of time. eventually i was told that his head was starting to appear and he had lots of black hair – just as i'd been expecting! mico brought a mirror so i could see my own progress. i can't tell if it was a help or a hindrance. in some ways it was very motivating, but in other ways it was discouraging because i continued just seeing a small part of his head and the opening wasn't getting any larger.

on at least three different occasions, three different doctors were brought in to consult on what position he was facing. i kept telling them that he was back up and on my right side, but they said he could change position. they even did a quick ultrasound to confirm this. they thought if he was posterior that might explain the slow progress. it turns out i was right, he was in the right position – face down.

as each hour past, i was told "just one more hour" and then another later i'd be told that again. time was going by quickly, and for the most part, my strength remained the same. i remember getting really hot though and sleepy. brendan and shannon would take turns bringing me a cold cloth for my face between contractions. eventually i'd just lie there between contractions with a wet cloth covering my face, except for my nose and mouth. it also became more and more challenging to keep my eyes open.

at some point in the morning, maybe around 11:30, the phone rang and it was my dad. brendan politely told him "we're still in the middle of things, we'll call you later". it turns out that all our parents were thinking "something should've happened by now".

after many hours of pushing, my voice had gone all raspy. i don't know when or why exactly, but i assume it was from the strain of pushing. it was mico who first pointed it out, so i guess that's not a common occurrence. it still hasn't returned to normal.

probably around the third hour, annette started casually mentioning some birthing assistance – forceps and/or the vacuum. she explained to me that with either tool, they simply assist and it would still require me to push the baby out. so to ensure those remained an option, i had to make sure i always kept three more pushes. she didn't want me running out of steam before that intervention. i understood what she was saying, and i felt i had a good sense of where i was at with my energy level, so i assured her that i would save at least three pushes.

i don't know if the hospital staff and midwives suspected something was wrong, if they did, they didn't really let on. thinking back, the tone of room had a hint of mystery in it. no one seemed to know why it was taking so long, or why, in spite of my strong pushes, i was making so little progress. he was stuck. just rocking back and forth on a wave, never making his way to shore. everyone was saying "he's a stubborn little guy" and i'd say "well, i'm stubborn too" and keep pushing.

the doctors were invited in for a consultation, and they confirmed that i had progressed past the invisible line that made forceps or the vacuum an option. i'd say an hour passed before i concluded my energy level was waning and decided that i'd be ok with him being born with forceps. by this time it was around noon and it was becoming clear that i was looking at another two hours of pushing. two hours i didn't have in me. i was surprised that they'd let me go on so long, because i'd heard they didn't like women to push past a certain number of hours. i think it was because they really believed i was making progress (even though it was slow) and was going to eventually push him out. it was really more a question of what i had left in me.

someone went to get the crew of doctors again, and the NIC unit team arrived. the NIC unit had to be there because of the meconium. once he came out, if he didn't cry they would have to suction him to clear his airways of meconium. this is the reason why a homebirth was not possible. i was told by mico that the doctors/residents would access the baby's position, then decide which tool to use – the forceps or the vacuum. they would then have to check to see if what they selected could be fitted onto his head. then we'd get two shots. i'd have to give it all i've got. if it wasn't successful the only other option would be a c-section.

so the doctors picked forceps, which i was glad about. for some reason i felt more comfortable with foreceps. the resident, paul (who seemed like a really down to earth guy, with tattoos and a friendly demeanor. he's someone i could see us having beers with) went over all the risks and procedure stuff. i can't fully remember, but i either had my eyes closed or i had a damp cloth over my face. i'm surprised he didn't make me open my eyes and look at him, but i think he understood i was just too tired. thankfully, they were successful at getting the forceps into position and it was then time to push. i pushed the hardest i could. i really believed i could do it. the next step (c-section) didn't even register as a possibility in my mind. i was simply going to push him out.

but he didn't budge.

éamon's birth – part one

on the morning of joelle's 10th birthday, my water broke. i laid in bed at 7:35 in a half-sleeping, half-waking state and felt it happen. at first i thought it was my mucus plug, because there wasn't a lot initially. i quickly made my way to the toilet and found it just kept coming and coming. i was confused though – what colour was it supposed to be?!?! this fluid was greeny grayish brown. as the endless stream of water kept coming, brendan started making phone calls. first to rach, to ask about the colour (in hindsight, i think we knew what it was, but didn't want it to be so) and she recommended we call our midwives. alyssa, our student midwife, was reluctant to diagnose it as meconium until she saw us, and made arrangements for us to come to the clinic for an appointment at 9:30.

by this time it was 8, which gave brendan time to do some work-related errands, and me the chance to do a few things around the house. so we planned to meet there. i had a shower (which was more difficult than i expected, because when i was done, and tried to step out, i just kept leaking green water), did some laundry, washed the dishes, carried a few items to the basement, hung the laundry to dry, then headed to the clinic.

when we arrived, we learned that mico had been delayed. she was raspberry picking when alyssa called her and said she'd head home before coming into the clinic. but on her way along the 401, her tire exploded – not just flat, but exploded. so instead, jane consulted on our appointment. it didn't take long for them to determine was in fact meconium (baby poop). from the home-birth info session a few months ago, we learned that when meconium appears in the water, it's the community standard to transfer to hospital. since then, i knew that that would be one of my least ideal scenarios, so you can imagine how unhappy i was to find myself in that exact situation. in addition to that, i knew that if labour didn't begin soon that i would end up being induced – another scenario i'd been wanting to avoid because induced labour tends to be more intense and leads to more interventions. so there i was, in pre-labour already facing undesired circumstances. it's odd/surprising to me that my water broke first, because that only happens to 10% of women, so i just assumed that would not happen to me.

alyssa strapped me into the fetal monitor to take a listen to the baby's heart to make sure everything was still safe. heather arrived for a practice meeting and popped in to check on me. she had a nice presence to her and offered me some homeopath to induce labour naturally. in the meantime, mico arrived and we all agreed to meet up at the hospital, after discussing the possibility of me labouring at home. unfortunately, because of the meconium that wasn't an advisable option.

back at the exile, b and i packed hospital bags. i'd had a more basic bag packed in case of short-notice transfer to KGH, but quickly realized i would need many more things (that morning alone, i'd already gone through three pairs of underpants). within about 15 minutes, brendan, rachel and i had piled into our car and were headed to the hospital – shannon was going to meet us there. thinking back, it was really nice heading in in a lucid, prepared and happy state. the sense of excitement helped ease the disappointing change of plans.

thankfully mico and alyssa were there when we arrived because we really didn't know what our next course of action was. we'd been told while at the clinic that connell 5 was super backed up and the nurses wouldn't have time to tend to me for quite a while. we considered this a problem to our advantage because we still were hoping labour would begin or we could induce labour naturally (the homeopath or maybe nipple stimulation). shannon soon arrived and reported to the nursing station that she was one of my doulas and was told that doulas didn't count as people and she could be there even though i already had two people with me. we were super excited to hear this, but were soon disappointed when (presumably) someone else told mico that i had too many people and that one had to go :( i told the girls to decide between the two of them what to do, and they decided to switch out. shannon was super disappointed, but planned to be back around supper time. soon after she left someone suggested that if she sneak back in after the shift change we might be able to get away with having three people.

over the next few hours, the nurses continued to be too busy for us, so in the meantime we borrowed a hospital breast pump and got started on nipple stimulation. before long, i was producing colostrum and having consistent cramping in my back. i couldn't tell if it was a contraction, and the midwives didn't seem to think it was, but back cramping was always what i imagined my contractions to be like since that's where/how i get menstrual cramps. i was reaching the point where they came every 3 minutes and lasted approximately 20 seconds. but when i came off the pump for a 10 minute break they went away. soon after, the nurse became available and wanted to proceed with the oxytocin. that nurse's name was nicole and we liked her very much. she seemed really approachable and friendly. but when 7:00 rolled around and we were introduced to our night nurse laurie (the nurses all do 12 hour shifts – 7 to 7). laurie seemed more distance and kind of cold. she became immediately obsessed with the fetal heart monitor, frowning with displeasure at its output. she was also on the pessimistic side, regularly poo-pooing my thoughts and preferences. i feel it's worth mentioning, that over the next 12 hours, she really grew on each of us and by the time we said goodbye we liked her, and i think i'd gained her respect. shannon did return at around 7:35, and stayed with us til the very end with no questions asked. laurie just advised her and rach to not be seen together.

all the hospital staff were very nice, and we were surprised at how well they and the midwives worked together. they are clearly well acquainted and friendly with each other. all the hospital staff and residents would introduce themselves by their first name – another thing that surprised me. i don't know if this is a new hospital standard or if the system is just modernizing on its own, but it really helped me feel comfortable. bridget, the night resident, came in to see me at one point and asked about my pain-management plan. i told her (kind of awkwardly) that i didn't have one, but wanted to do without an epidural. afterward, i said to rach and shannon "i'm hoping that since i've never been in labour before that i'll just accept the level of pain from induction as normal". laurie overheard that and made a doubtful comment that i can't recall right now (probably for the best).

throughout the day, time passed quickly. the evening progressed with the four of us chatting, moving around and me dancing through contractions. we were in good spirits and didn't let being in the hospital lessen the experience. i tried to continue as normal as possible – brushing my teeth, getting into pajamas, aiming to feel comfortable. active labour began around 11, and i felt a noticeable difference. i slowly turned inward with each contraction. armed with my heating pad and my sound mind, i worked through each wave in silence. eventually, i couldn't move or dance or sit. my frequent trips to the toilet were difficult because i couldn't take my hot pad with me, which made it so much more painful. laurie told me that she'd check on my progress at 1 am, so i waited, watching the clock. when things started to get really hard i asked about laughing gas, but laurie said it was better to wait until much later in labour because the effect will have worn off by the transition phase. 

at some point i started secretly thinking about an epidural. i felt torn because i'd gone into things committed to not using one. i believed i was built to endure labour like a skyscraper build to endure an earthquake. but then there was the other side of things... i was in a lot of pain – more pain than i would've been under normal, natural circumstances. and i'd read an article recently entitled "9 bad reasons to get an epidural, and 1 good one". the one good one was 'not wanting to feel the pain of childbirth'. i was in pain, and i didn't want to feel it. i was tired and couldn't even sit down. i slowly started to articulate this to the girls and b. i would tell them "i don't like this" and "i wish i was just at home getting ready for bed". i sounded very rational, like i was commenting on a unfamiliar food or a bad cocktail party. i told myself that if i'd progressed significantly i could keep plugging on. when laurie checked me at 1 am, she announced that i was 2 cm and would probably reach 7 around 7 am. everyone else seemed quite optimistic about that, but it was not the report i was hoping for. i wanted to wait for laurie to leave the room so i could talk with my birth support, but she continued fiddling with the fetal monitor, so i timidly said "i'd like to talk about an epidural". thinking i was talking to hear, laurie said "what would you like to know?" :S i'm pretty sure i ignored her, and the rest of us just chatted together. i felt disappointed in myself, but really appreciated that no one made me feel badly about it. after it was administered, i felt much better and just kept thinking "i'm happy". i felt really relieved. i like to believe that things would've been different had i not been induced, but i can't know for sure. truthfully, in those circumstances, i'm not sure what purpose going without an epidural would've served. it almost feels like it would've just been me trying to prove something to an audience of judges that don't exist. with it... my spirits were buoyed; i could rest; brendan, shannon and rachel could rest; and i could continue in the morning.

junior mister

sometime very soon I need to find time to write out our birth story before I forget the details. right now my baby eamon is nursing so it's not the best time. even though I'm able to write this short message on my iPod. I think I'll write in chunks here and there whenever I get opportunities.

I will say now that things unfolded the exact opposite as we'd hoped. however that does not lessen the experience or the empowerment in any way. i feel good about the birth and have no doubts about my performance or ability - especially considering the circumstances. for that, and much more, I'm very thankful.

Sent from my iPod

bins

i'm pleased to report that today was a very productive day. i've made significant progress in the bedroom, kitchen and den. tomorrow i'll tackle the living room and bathroom, then sweep all the floors. THEN we'll be ready for baby. at least on the homefront. today's midwife appointment revealed that he still hasn't dropped and i'm not showing any key signs of labour coming on soon. so it'll be later this week at the soonest, but more likely next early next week. i'm actually the next client expected to give birth. the next one's due date isn't until the 22nd.

i have no doubt that my ability to accomplish so much today was greatly connected to the fact that we now have an air conditioner.

recently i got a little worried about the possibility of the cats going in the crib while so-and-so is sleeping – or more specifically, when i'm sleeping. i tried coming up with a few ways of dealing with this, since i have caught honey in there a few times (albeit not recently, she's currently obsessed with sleeping on the change table). in discussion this with bren, she recommended a mosquito net, and as it turns out, brendan had one from his time in dominican. so i got that hung today. he's going to be like a little safari baby. i'm very pleased. it's a simple solution, and will be effective at keeping those kitties out!

we'll be together with a roof right over our heads.

lizards

today's my due date. no surprise, but nothing has happened. there's been no sign of activity. in a way, that's good because the house is still more chaotic than i'd like it to be. we have so much stuff that we've been given that there's no a place for everything. i'll TRY to get that taken care of tomorrow, but i don't have high hopes since i'm not great at follow-through.

rach lent us an air conditioner, which has been really nice already. we put it in the kitchen because that window already didn't have a screen. the climate difference is remarkable as you walk down the hall toward the back of the house.

this evening we went out to celebrate joelle's 10th birthday (july 17). it's crazy when i think about life 10 years ago. and that that little red headed baby is now an intelligent decade old girl. it's funny to think that when my boy is 10, she'll be 20. crazy. i have to admit, when she was born, i totally thought i'd have a baby of my own in the near future. and it's interesting how differently things panned out, but i'm really happy with how things are. someday, joelle will babysit for us, and i get to enjoy her, and the rest of my nieces and nephews at the stages they're in. he will be fortunate to grow up with these older cousins who have, in many ways, paved the way for him.

i danced myself right out the womb.

waterfront

yesterday the midwives confirmed that they baby hasn't dropped yet, which means it will still be a little while before he's born. for some reason, this has had a liberating effect. now that i know his birth is not imminent, i'm pretty content to continue on with my day.

last week b and i were walking downtown and we passed one of his clients. a few days later the fellow said to him "looks like your girlfriend is going to have a baby" and brendan said "you mean my wife? yes, she's due any day now". the guy then mumbled "oh, sorry".

for the last week, brendan and i have been watching star wars. we started at 4 and are now on the last film (3). twice we found ourselves getting tired, so paused it to finish later. out of the three newer films, i like the last one best. it actually has a plot. it answers questions and things happen. even still, b is constantly groaning at the cheesiness of the dialogue.

it took me a while to find oats at metro. i assumed it would be in the flour aisle, but it's with the cereal! my cookies are in the oven. i hope they turn out well!

in this hour of our lives – hour of effortless plenty –
how do we know which parts of our hearts want what?

clip

for the last few mornings, i've been waking up either stressed, impatient, or otherwise out of sorts. today was a bit better because i woke with a "one more day down" like i'm counting down to some unknown date.

while i've tried to keep busy, i'm not very motivated to get things done. i have that homesick feeling when the person you love is far away and you can't muster the energy to do anything, because all you really want to do is be with that person. i'm eager for my so-and-so to be born. i just want to spend time with him. b suggested i start doing some induction techniques, but there's very few i can do on my own. i've been taking evening primrose oil and long walks. i'm not even sure if he's dropped yet. i have a midwife appointment this afternoon, so i'll ask then.

thankfully rach put me onto the BBC1 show "call the midwife". it's based on a book, and has a slow-paced book-like quality to it. it's been a good alternative to reading, since right now my brain can't really concentrate enough to read. plus, it's topical. the one thing that i have to remind myself of is that in the show, the midwives receive the call when the woman is in labour, which is normal for that profession. what i have to remind myself of is that all women have to wait for their baby, it doesn't just happen because of a telephone call.

i think i'd like to bake some oatmeal chocolate chip cookies today. i don't usually have time to bake, and don't usually bake for pleasure. but every once and a while, when i DO have time (like when we had the week off for renos last year), i'll bake something. i don't have any oats, so i'll walk over to metro in a little bit.

we have a handyman here today doing some work in andrew+shannon's apartment. it would probably be weird if i went into labour and gave birth while he's here.

i can feel a difference,
today, a difference.

nail polish

i was struck today by the stories we tell ourselves. realities are shaped by these stories whether they're true or not. if they're relevant or not. i think it's up to us which stories we want to believe about ourselves. that can sometimes be hard to do, especially if someone else's story is intertwined with our own. 

i was raised in a family whose story was of brokenness. that was my identity, how i saw myself, my constant subplot. i'm an adult now, and i've claimed a new story (at least tried to), one of wholeness. my story is much bigger than one single chapter, i don't let brokenness define me anymore.

sometimes we have to make a conscious decision to choose to focus on a different story. the story we tell ourselves informs the stories we tell other people, and the stories they believe about us.  

her name was magil and she called herself lil
but everyone knew her as nancy.

bakery

now that i'm 9 months pregnant, i figured it was time to do a belly cast. so last night my two doulas-extraordinaire came over to cast my belly. they did a super great job, and it turned out really nice!

it's funny because you know you've entered a new phase in your relationship with someone when you stand topless in front of them and rub vaseline all over your chest. hahaha. it was funny, and the girls were super professional :)

it didn't take long to do. i credit this to their mad skills. it also dried fairly fast and started to pull away from my body, which was a strange feeling. so-and-so was very good. he moved a little bit, but it didn't impact the drying process.

now that it's off me, it looks way bigger than i feel. it'll be such a great keepsake. i'm going to ask a friend to paint it for us, then we'll hang it in our bedroom.

brendan was trying to wear it today :p

lately i find it hard thinking about things other than baby and birth. i suppose that's normal as i'm mentally preparing for this experience and life change. plus, it's hard to function normally when i'm physically limited and can't do everything i'd like to do.

everything around you's changing like the weather.

bow tie pasta

this is my 3rd day off work and i'm really enjoying it! yesterday shanno and i sent strawberry and raspberry picking, and today i went for a long walk with sherri. it's really nice doing different things with my time, and i'm excited about getting to spend time with people i don't usually get to connect with. 

after our walk i needed a shower because i was hot and sweaty, and am currently sitting in the living room with a nighty on with my feet up. usually i'd just be wearing a sports bra and underpants, but i can see that my dad's car is parked out front of my house, which means he's downtown doing stuff and will be knocking on my door when he returns. so i'm ready.

i'm feeling pretty good, and will be happy if the baby comes early or late. i'm not uncomfortable and i've been sleeping well. although, last night, i went to bed before b got home from josh and corky's place and i'd been dreaming that we'd been waiting for the baby to arrive (like on a train or something), and i'd asked brendan to let me know when he arrived, but he didn't tell me. so i was mad at him in my dream just as brendan arrived home in real life, so i was mad at him in real life too. oops! :S

well, i have quite a full day ahead of me. housework, knitting, belly casting. but for now i'll just hangout with my feet up. there's no rush - which is probably a first in my life!

i'm walkin' back down this mountain.

carpal tunnel

i can't decide if the fact that i don't have to go to work tomorrow feels funny or normal. although, i'm thankful that i don't have to work because i'm fairly uncomfortable, and i wouldn't want to have to sit in my cube all day.

when i packed up all my stuff (thankfully i just had to store it, rather than bring it home because i had the equivalent of 4 boxes worth of stuff :S ), i wasn't as sad as i expected to be – to see the walls bare. it felt more like when you take all the stuff off your walls because you're about it paint.

6 out of 8 couples from prenatal class have all had their babies. i wouldn't be surprises if the 7th has arrived because i haven't seen the girl on facebook since she said she was about to have some vindaloo. i realize that i have the latest due date out of the 8 of us, but it stinks that everyone has had their babies. apparently one girls is recovering in the ICU after a c-section, which doesn't sound good. i have at the most another 4 weeks :S i'll just try and be patient. the frustrating thing is that even though i have loads of time to get stuff done around the house, i have limited energy and get winded very easily.

the road is wearier.

safari

well... it's official. i'm done work for an entire year.

it's weird. it actually felt much weirder than i expected. yesterday i was SO ready to be done work, that i told b, shannon and scarlete that i hoped the baby would come so i could get out of going to work today. alas, that didn't happen. instead, emma said i could go when i was ready, so i left around 12:30 with little fanfare. everyone was still on lunch and there wasn't really anyone to say goodbye to that i hadn't already talked with. so penny helped me carry my things to the car and that was that.

as i drove away i felt weird. like i was forgetting something, or like part of my identity was being left behind. i tried telling myself that i should focus on the things to be thankful for and not mourn the loss of something familiar, and that worked pretty well. but interestingly enough, upon arriving home i continued to feel a little lost, and i needed to somehow take charge of this transition period. so i went to shoppers and bought myself a note book with blue lines, and a couple of new pens, then came home and turned it into a makeshift day-timer. i wrote all my handy contact numbers in the back just like my timer at work, and wrote out a to-do list in the front. this will be my mat leave organizer that will help me feel grounded or at least somewhat like my usual self. i realize i may not keep it current as time goes by, but for now, it's helping give me some peace of mind as i figure out this new situation. i do actually still have quite a lot to do, but now that it's on paper, it's off of my mind.

tonight b and i are staying at a local hotel in celebration of our anniversary. it really doesn't matter that it's in k-town. it will be relaxing and a little different, which exactly what we were looking for. plus, we don't have to travel or spend money on gas!

you can make it if you try.

excuse me!

you'd think i'd be used to it by now, but i cannot believe how swollen my feet are. it gets worse the later in the evening it is, but still!

i have one more day of work left. part of me wishes i'd go into labour tonight because i really don't want to have to work tomorrow. there's nothing left for me to do at this point and the day feels long. thankfully i had a midwife appointment this afternoon so i was able to leave early.

yesterday was my three year anniversary with b. wedding anniversary that is. we went out to the new seafood restaurant 'dianne's fish bar' to celebrate. it was great, except the fact that the couple beside us got into an argument and it was super awkward. and a piece of my baby tooth broke off (it was part of a re-enforcement that was applied years ago, and i think it had just reached it's end of life – that really had nothing to do with the restaurant). we really liked it, and i can say without a doubt, that the fish and chips i got was the best i've ever had.

afterwards, we came home and installed the carseat and assembled the crib. it's pretty cool having the crib set up. this crib once belonged to joelle, caleb, liam and erin. i like that it comes with that history. i also like that it's slightly retro and as such, it's really good quality. joy and tim got it second-hand from someone joy worked with, and it didn't come with instructions, but joy said to brendan "lesley is a puzzle person, she'll figure it out just fine". and she was right! it was pretty simple and whenever we'd come to a point that seemed unclear, i instinctively figured it out. it takes up all the remaining space in our bedroom, but it's not like we were using that space for anything important. it's just a little communal bedroom now :)

maybe you were the ocean, when i was just a stone.

compress

last night, b and i went on something of a scavenger hunt. we visited the homes of our family and collected various baby things they had set aside from us.

from nancy, we got a car-seat and cloth diapers
from joy, we got a crib and a play-pen
from meg, we got a little tub and baby bullet.

we're super fortunate to have received so many helpful things from family and friends. having a crib feels pretty crazy! it's still disassembled in the back of our car, but simply knowing we have a crib is sobering. it will feel very real when we have that crib in our room! the house is a total mess right now from all the supplies we collected and from the baby shower gifts we got on sunday. i'm hoping to make a solid dent tonight, or at least get organized. i like that the baby is going to share our bedroom, he's just a little baby after all. i can't imagine having him down the hall in the front bedroom. that feels too far away. i'm so looking forward to the weekend. it will be nice to have work finished and i can move forward with getting ready for birth and baby.

i really like that my nieces and nephews all used that crib, and it's now been passed on to us for our kids :)

this past saturday was skeleton park music festival. it was really great up until the point when it started raining. even then it wasn't bad, but it made it difficult to sit on the ground, and my legs and feet were getting tired, so i went home for a rest. but while i was there soaking my feet, it started raining more heavily and they had to pack up the show for the sake of the sound equipment. they did relocate to the goat and played a street concert on princess, but it wasn't quite the same as the park. i love lying around in the park all day surrounded by friends, strangers, neighbours, kids of all ages. there's never any place i'd rather be, which probably explained my disappointment of having to relocate because even the best alternatives pale in comparison to the atmosphere in the park. i guess i'll just look forward to next year's show with great enthusiasm.

cause everything will start again anew.