the times they are a-changin' (still)

when it comes to public votes, sometimes I get excited about the outcome I didn't want. maybe excited isn't the right word. it's probably more curiosity.

both with the quebec and Scottish referendums, I wanted both to stay, but was curious about how things would unfold if they didn't. I have never witness the outcome of such a decision before, and wonder what would it look like.

even with trump, I SUPER don't want him to win, but there is part of me that is intrigued to see just how bad things would get (and maybe just how right, the anti-trump people are).

I think I would've voted to stay in, if I was a Briton. already, just hours after the announcement, there have been a chain of negative things (british pound at 31 year low, PM resigns, and trump is saying it's a good move). I'm pretty sure that Scotland is going to have a second referendum and leave the UK so it can rejoin the EU.

the world is changing. and not for the better. things are getting very unstable.

thankfully, I don't feel bleak for my sons. I don't feel concern or regret about the world they will grow up in. I dunno, maybe that's because I think things have been worse before, and people got through it (at least those who didn't die from starvation, war or genocide). it's a different world than it was 10 or 20 years ago for sure, and we don't really know how to navigate it or what trouble will find us. but i think this is where resilience is important. I often pray for resilience for them. my dad is one of the most resilient people I know (often to the frustration of my mom who has wanted to see him suffer and grovel because of their failed marriage). I hope they take after him in that way.

regarding the EU, it will be very interesting to say the least.

taboo

i would like to break the silence about pregnancy hemorrhoids. apparently they are VERY common, but i have NEVER heard ANYONE talk about them. sure, it's embarrassing, and very personal, but i'm in so much friggin pain and discomfort, that i've got to talk about it.

it's almost ridiculous how painful this is, and nothing is helping. it makes me almost sad.

i've read that they should just go away on their own after the baby is born, but i'm 30 weeks. i'm looking at 10+ weeks of butt pain.

this sucks.

otherwise my pregnancy is been going well and i don't have other complaints.

thank you for being a friend...

I'm in Montreal for work and in my hotel room watching golden girls. it makes me wish my mom lived with 3 old lady friends.

Sent from my iPod

choices we make

after an interaction with a very negative person today, i concluded something. it's not that life is too short to be negative, it's more that life is full of lots of crappy and terrible stuff, and i think it's worth looking for the positive whenever possible. AND to keep perspective. some of the stuff people complain about is not very important in the grand scheme of things.

i dunno. global news has been bleak this week. and i'm trying to stay positive and hopeful despite everything. the last thing i need is to hear someone complain about salad dressing.

discomfort that brings comfort

i've been having a lot of heartburn lately. it wakes me up in the night.

i have to pee almost constantly. that also wakes me up.

and i get leg cramps when I'm sleeping. (basically, I'm up at least 4 times a night)

I also feel tired a lot, and I can't really pick up eamon anymore because I don't have the energy.

but I'm also 29 weeks pregnant, and I know these ailments will be gone soon enough. they're just temporary, and I'm finding them easier to manage than last time.

I also have a very sore pelvis, which I've discovered is the ligaments in my pubic bone expanding. even though it's sore (and an ice pack only gives temporary relief), I'm very excited about it. unlike my other discomforts, this one is not familiar to me. I did not experience this with eamon. I'm hoping that this means that my body is preparing and adjusting to accommodate my baby's exit.

a few months ago, I actually came across a video explaining this pelvic soreness, and at the time, my heart sank a bit because I knew this had not happened with my first pregnancy. I didn't know the discomfort they were talking about, and I wondered if there was a connection to eamon getting stuck. maybe my pelvis didn't expand as it should have. I'm looking forward to seeing my chiropractor next week to talk about this with her and see how my pelvis adjusts. I'm also seeing my midwife again, because I'm up to appointments every 2 weeks :)

it's fun how much quicker things go the second time.

passing

the road to work has been torn-up and they're laying new gravel. this struck me odd, because they just did that a few years ago. until I remembered that I've worked at BT for 13 years, and it was very possibly10 years ago when they last paved taylor-kidd. odd how time just starts to blur together. I think after 6 years somewhere or doing something, time seems relative.

b and I have been married 6 years next weekend. I'm pretty sure it will all get blurry after this. at least we have "before kids" and "after kids" to help as a marker. but even that doesn't really help though.

ganniversary

even though our anniversary isn't for a few weeks, Brendan and I are going away for a mini-break. this is our first time away from eamon. he had a sleepover at nana and papa's house at new year's eve, but we were still at home. so this is a little different.

we're going to gan. neither of us have been there for along time (besides my annual trips to the casino with Shannon). but once upon a time, I used to live in gan. I was around eamon's age at the time. I have no memory of it. joy went to kindergarten there, and remembers that her teacher "hated" her (apparently she almost failed her), and she (joy, not the teacher) tripped on some uneven sidewalk and my dad got mad and was going to complain to the mayor. her second memory sounds much more likely.

anyway, I'm very excited. the B&B we booked looks really nifty. we haven't stayed at a B&B since our first wedding anniversary, and this is our sixth. i think this will be a double, or even triple treat (alone time, no parenting duties, staying at a B&B).

we're going to take hwy 2. I'm sure it will be a nice leisurely drive. ah! i can't wait. i should probably go get ready.

5 stars

at lunch, I finished the book "Middlesex". I would have to say, it was one of the most beautiful books I have ever read. the author (Jeffrey Eugenides) has only written 3 books, and this was the second of his that I've read. both books have kept me fully hooked until the very last line.

afterwards, I sat breathing, extremely satisfied and enriched. beautiful.

I can't help but wonder how much of the impact was due the fact that I'd read an actual paperback, and not on my e-reader. I have heard before that people absorb more with actual books than e-readers. I had noticed that it had been a while since I was really addicted to a book, but I think it was more the books I was reading than the method I was reading them with.

brendan came across a book review of a new novel called "the girls". it's coming out next week, and is expected to be the big summer read of 2016. he pre-ordered it, and I plan to read it after him. in the review, it compares the novel with the one Eugenides book I haven't read (the virgin suicides). at first I planned to read that as I waited for "the girls", but then I saw the other book this new book was compared to (a visit from the goon squad), and decided to read that instead. when I find an author I like, I kind of want to space out reading their books until I'm in the market for a good book but can't find one. they had a copy of "a visit from the good squad" at the kingscourt library so I got it out. I hope I enjoy it. the reviews are a little mixed on 'good reads'.

I'm definitely giving "Middlesex" 5 stars. I always reserve that rating for the books that make me feel deeply, that I crave reading, and will read at any available opportunity (while eating breakfast, while waiting at stoplights, while lying beside eamon as he watches "the elephant show" on youtube).

here's hoping my next book(s) will be as good. I'm on a bit of a book high right now, and I'd like to keep that going.

that guy

i don't know a lot about this stanford rape trial. part of me doesn't want to know. it was through my friend helen that I first heard about it, because she was sharing posts on facebook.

but I've been troubled by the parents, particularly the dad, who has minimized his son's rape of an unconscious woman behind a dumpster, by calling it "20 minutes of action" and tried to convince the judge that this should not be allowed to ruin his son's life.

while I understand the parent's devout love and dedication to their son, I am troubled by the fact that they raise a son who would rape any women (conscious or not). I keep thinking of that campaign I saw a few years ago "don't be that guy". why did they not raise their son to not be 'that guy'! the very nature of his dad's defense of him shows some concerning entitlement issues. he wouldn't be in this situation if he had been a caring individual who would seek help for a women he found unconscious, rather than take the opportunity to penetrate her. it's super disturbing.

that's the thing about rapists. they're somebody's son. as obvious as that is, it only occurred to me a few years ago. nobody wants their kid to grow up to be that guy. it's sad and scary to think what kids can grow up to do. they have just as much potential to grow up to do harm as they have to grow up to do good. when people tell their kids "you can do anything when you grow up!" they don't seem to consider that.

smellies

perhaps this was the wrong assumption. but when i bought some pears soap, i just assumed it was going to smell like pears. that just seems like obvious branding reinforcement. instead, i'm not sure what the smell is. i really would've preferred a pear scent.

do-over

i've had a really bad day.

i just finished a good old-fashion cry fest.

i cried with frustration about the still broken washing machine.

i cried because this sort of thing always gets the better of me – for some reason washing machine leaks cause me a great deal of distress.

i cried because eamon refused to nap this afternoon, when my anxiety levels were already high, and i was not at my best.

i cried because i parented really badly, and i felt so sad about how i treated him.

i cried because brendan and i fought.

i cried because when he tried to give me a break from eamon, i ended up feeling excluded, isolated and punished.

i cried because i went out and bought a new washing machine without discussing it with brendan.

i cried because i'd tried to talk about it with him several times, and there just wasn't a moment without distractions.

i cried because i keep speaking harshly this week, despite not wanting to, and i worry that i won't ever do better.

i cried out of fear and worry, regret and remorse.

i cried because i felt backed in a corner, like i had no options, and didn't feel safe.

shifter

I just called the appliance repaired service who fixed our washing machine, and the man I spoke to really downplayed the situation. he said stuff like "oh shucks, you get one thing fixed and the darn thing needs another repair". I tried to be assertive and say "we didn't have this problem before your guy fixed it. and we would like to be reimbursed for the money we spent on the rental equipment to dry out our basement".

I presume that he was just trying to deflect the blame, but it felt condensing. he could've easily have called me "little lady" and it would have matched his tone. I wasn't mad before I called, but I am now. Brendan was going to call and deal with them, but he's in an all day training seminar about trauma, so isn't available to do it.

I ended up setting up an appointment for the same repair guy to come over on Wednesday. so I suppose we'll have to take it up with him. I like that repair guy, he's done work for us before and he's very nice. I really don't want to get into conflict with him. I really hope they eat the cost for the sake of our return business.

suck

our weekend (for the most part) did not go as expected. our washing machine (that was "repaired" last Wednesday), overflowed in our basement. there was a thin layer of water everywhere. it was very stressful. thankfully, after lots of work and rental equipment, it has dried out.

it was really annoying because I'd planned to use my Saturday dealing with seasonal clothes and bedding, but did not get to it until sunday evening. thankfully, THAT actually didn't take that long to get everything sorted out, so I feel like we've regained some order in what was becoming an increasingly messy bedroom. which is always good for my mental state.

I remember a friend saying that preparing dinner for her family is a somewhat daunting task, and that when she's been traveling for work, she enjoys grabbing dinner when she feels like it. I'd say for me, it's eamon's bedtime. I feel like there is something about this mid-evening event that cuts my time up. there is a real shift after bedtime. I kind of wish that wasn't a thing, and I'm conscious of the fact that this clear point in my evening won't begin to erase for another 10 years.

despite floods and heat and bedtime routines, preschoolers who ignore reasonable instruction and dinner table disagreements with b... my weekend ended perfectly. sitting reading on a lightly made bed, with the windows open and the fan oscillating.

measuring sticks and short comings

have you ever known someone who clearly thought they knew best (perhaps you know this because they say that or are always talking about how everyone else is doing life wrong)? and for some reason life just pans out the way they believed it would, which just seems to affirm their belief that they've got it all figured out.

I feel troubled because I am not one who thinks I have life all figured out, I listen to other people's experiences, I have my own worldview and values, and I do my best to navigate the situations I find myself in with the knowledge and understanding that I have at the time. and yet, that doesn't seem to be enough. things still don't seem to pan out for me the way it does for people with certainty.

do my doubts or "maybe it will, maybe it won't" beliefs cause things to go awry? maybe if I was certain things would go well for me?

how much does one's perspective effect the outcome?

I have had several experiences in life where I believed with certainty, and then was crushed afterwards when things didn't work out. which is why I often approach life with trepidation. I hope for the best, but are prepared for the worst.

but maybe I'm too specific in my hopes. maybe these people who's lives workout just as they wanted don't have specifics, so however things unfold they're happy.

I want to believe that I will have a successful VBAC come the end of my pregnancy, but I'm afraid to believe with certainty because I thought I'd have an uncomplicated birth last time, and ended up with the opposite. certainty has harmed me, not only then, but with other big life events. 

I believed my parents would get back together

I believed that my boyfriend would come back

I believed I'd get that job

I believed that man would recover and not die

I believed...

maybe when it comes down to it, I'm trying to find the right about of faith to produce the desired result. or maybe I just want to see some vulnerability in the lives of these people who boast success. to feel like we're all just trying our best and sometimes things work out despite ourselves, not because we're worthy.

v day

I don't know if it's because we moved in during the summer, or if it's just because I love summer, but our house is definitely a summer house (or at least until we get our wood stove, maybe then it will be a lovely winter house). in the summer it feels more like a cottage than a year-round residence.

besides the obvious weather issues of winter, I find that our house feels stuffy and I'm breathing in gross stinky air. I also miss being able to sit outside, having the windows open, and hanging the laundry on the line. I feel like the air moves around our house so much better with the windows open (probably because it does!).

I love summer so much. I love the way the curtains sway from the breeze, and the sounds and smells of the outdoors.

we spent a lot of time outside this weekend. our big maple tree out front dropped it's helicopter seeds in our garden, and we spent several hours pulling out all the baby trees. it was a bit of a pain, and we're probably only half done. weeding is my least favourite part of gardening, because it's less of a creative process and more like an menial task. but it does really make a difference. at least we were under our big red maple.

not many neighbours were out gardening this weekend. we find the neighbours on our street to be very mysterious. we're not sure what they do all the day. in general, I'm a funny mix of friendly and reclusive. but when it comes to neighbours, I prefer to be friendly when I see them, so it would be nice to see them more often.

fire, fire!

last night Brendan and I had our first backyard campfire. although, since it was in our backyard and not at a campsite, "campfire" is probably not the right word.

at first, we planned to have our fire while eamon was still up, but then changed our minds because it would be a nice activity to do without him. like a mini "date".

it did not take long to get the fire going. for several years, I've been saving our dryer lint because I heard it makes good kindling, and sure enough it did. we've also been saving dead and dry yard waste, so we had lots to burn. it was fun. I didn't find the campfire smell particularly strong at the time, but I can smell it in my hair today :)

I'm looking forward to having campfires regularly, and for having friends over to sit around the fire with.

finding the right balance

I'm kind of confused about weight control during pregnancy. they say that women of my BMI should only gain between 15 to 25 lbs (some sources say only 11lbs). but i don't understand how I'm supposed to do that since i have all the same extra cargo as skinny mama's (baby, placenta, extra blood). especially since they say not to diet. I've tried to change my eating (mostly snacking) habits, and i think they're really starting to take (i don't have to be as mindful about it, and it's less of an effort than it once was). so far i think i'm doing well. at 6 months, I've only gained 8 pounds - I'm pretty sure at this stage with eamon I was pushing 25 pounds.

i wish it was more clear how I'm supposed to minimize my weight gain. i THINK I'm probably losing excess fat as the result of getting more exercise and better eating habits, but i have no way of knowing for sure. i think my face is looking slimmer, and shannon thinks so too. but how does that impact my BMI, i have no idea.

several people have told me not to worry because they gained 40, 50 or 65lbs with their pregnancies, but my BMI is my main risk factor for a repeat cesarean. and considering that's something i should be able to influence, i really want to be proactive about it.

shifting perspective

I've been reflecting lately on what it means to a person to feel heard. and in addition to that, to be understood. there have been many situations in my life where I have felt unheard, or what I was expressing (whether by words, actions or choices) was not taken seriously.

eamon's at an age where he's starting to get bossy. so I read a few articles about this, and it seems that he's trying to exert his independence. as a result, I've been trying to empower his independence when appropriate. I've been trying to be creative in giving him choices and asking for his help instead of doing for him or doing without his involvement.

it's made me think back on my life, and consider things differently. when I was a teenager, my family used to laugh at me and say that they had to use reverse phycology on me if they wanted me to do something. I'm thinking now that I wasn't cooperative with straightforward requests or instructions because I felt so frustrated and disregarded. I wasn't made to feel heard - for whatever reason, whether I was just sensitive or they actively ignored me.

I had a bossy, dominating older sister, then went on to have several bossy and dominating (oldest sibling) best friends, and a bossy and dominating (oldest sibling) boyfriend. as a result, I am very on guard to people bossing me around inappropriately. which has made me very attuned to eamon's bossiness, and I don't want him to boss around his brother like a little dictator. if not for his brother's sake, but for the sake of his future relationships (friendships and otherwise).

I was thinking a lot about that bossy and dominating boyfriend during the first jian trial, and the surrounding conversation about consent. I wonder if he heard those discussions and thought of me. for a while in our twenties we spent time as plutonic friends. now in our thirties, he has shrunk back and won't even look me in the face when we cross paths (which is somewhat frequently). I commented about it to b once, who simply asked "do you think that he's ashamed of how he treated you?" and I suspect that's probably true. especially since he now has a daughter of his own, and would probably never want her treated the way he treated me.

all this, because of a toddler who insists "no, my do it!". I suppose we are shaped by our experiences. at this point, I want to be shaped, and shape my sons, by exercising/demonstrating understanding.

BOOKS!

OH MY GOODNESS!

i want to be addicted to a good book right now. ideally a book series. I really want something I'm going to sink my teeth into for a long time.

unfortunately, it seems I've read all the good books. right now I'm read the brothers karamazov, and while it's ok, it's not a really much of a page turner. I think it's one of those books that I will work my way through slowly and be glad that I've read it, but right now I want a gripping, compelling, want-to-read-it-any-chance-I-get kind of book.

one of my favourite things is a summer evening and a good book. I've discovered that our front porch has similar qualities to our york street balcony, and I want to take full advantage of that. especially since I feel I've been watching too much tv lately.

the problem is that often some of the best books don't sound that compelling from a brief description (i.e. "a group of teenagers are forced into an arena to kill each other for sport until one is the victor"), so it's difficult to get past a sad overview (i.e. the current best selling book about a kid dying from cancer. geez, let me get my hands on that one quick :S ).

it doesn't have to be exciting. it can be a slow burn. I read a book years ago called "the wrong madonna" that my housemate lent me. it was a bit of a dark horse, and it was slow moving, but it was compelling to me.

I have lots of distractions and limited energy, so I don't have the same tenacity that I used to have with books. man, my twenties was fraught with worries and feelings of displacement, but did I ever have lots of time for discovery - books, past-times, self-improvement, regular flicks at the screening room, new friends, writing. I'm not going to say that I miss that, but I wish I'd really appreciated it more at the time.

anyway... perhaps i'll find something refreshing at the library tonight. I might even ask the librarian for a recommendation.

short-comings

i think i've concluded that i don't like hummus, which is too bad. partly because i have some that needs eating up. i've grown very sensitive to wasting food, particularly because it's a waste of money. despite this, I continue to throw out spoiled leftovers and rotten fruit/veggies, although I do it with a grimace. hopefully we'll get better at eating everything we buy. at 36, I still feel like there's still a lot of maturing to do.

I've noticed lately that I often nap when eamon naps. I didn't do that so much before. maybe it's because I'm pregnant, or because even on my days off I still have to wake up early. I wonder sometimes if it's just replacing a sleep-in (I get to sleep later instead of earlier). or if that enough time has past since becoming a mama that I don't really know what to do with my spare time anymore. I also feel like I watch more tv than I wish I did. I think this is partly because it's something b and i do together, and otherwise, we'd just spend our evenings doing separate things.

i think it's a good time for me to try to pick up prenatal yoga. i wrote it down on a list to do yesterday, but just felt tired after eamon was in bed. i feel like that's a beneficial thing to do other than sleep or couch.