who will catch us as we fall

i was at the library last week, and only had a few minutes to select a new book. it's been a while since i've had to choose a new book, since the last 5ish i've read were either given, lent or recommended to me. i'm not great at picking a book cold, so i stuck to the featured book section, and picked one of the librarian recommended ones. when i first started it, i wasn't sure if i was going to get into it, but i have and am really enjoying it. 

goggles

on the weekend, i bought each of our parents (my mom, dad and mother-in-law) a book called "all about me – a DIY memoir" to record stuff about their lives. it asks a variety of questions, and i want to have all this info (random, and nonsensical) to have as a keepsake. my dad turns 72 today, so i wanted to give it to him so he has lots of time to work on it. i told him, that it's a project we can do together. i'm going to give my mom and nancy's theirs later this week. i'm excited to have these mementos. they're kind of like the opposite of baby books :p 

i bought eamon a backpack from MEC last week, and it arrived today. it was 30% off, and a nice/quality little bag. it arrived today, and it made me really excited. i think i'm in-love with the thought of this being the first of many MEC backpacks. hopefully when he's an adult, he'll get a big travel pack and have many adventures of his own. maybe he and otis will travel together! i'm do damn proud of them :) they're starting to become such neat little buddies for each other. 

we've leased our main street house! hooray!

imma getting ready!

i've prematurely flipped our calendar to april, because then i can properly countdown to our trip to mexico in 3.5 weeks. i'm excited and am starting to think about what to bring, and what we (if anything) we need to buy. 

i was on the mec website the other day (looking for something else), when i found a great kids backpack on sale. so i got that for eamon for when he starts school in 6 months, but thought it would be a great carry-on bag for him too. 

i want to keep things simple. bring only toys a few toys that i know they'll play with, instead of bringing a bunch of stuff they might play with. 

AND i think i need to buy a new swimsuit. i was gonna just use my maternity swimsuit – i decided it was fine after trying to swimsuit shop in february, and came out of the store depressed and quiet, and got into the car without discussing it with brendan. he asked me "did something bad happen in that store?", nope, it was just bathing suit shopping, post baby, while still breast-feeding. basically, nothing fits. BUT i'm gonna try again since i've discovered that both old navy and loblaws (joe fresh) sell swimsuits. i like their clothes and find them well priced. i couldn't justify forking out 80+ bux for something i didn't really like at the bathing suit store. wish me luck!

journey

yesterday, while walking to the bus to catch a lift to KGH for an appointment, the bus arrived slightly before i arrived at the stop. even though i was wearing my baby, i started to run. for a split second i thought "i can still make it!" i ran and waved my arms around, i yelled "wait!" "tell the bus to wait!" i ran, straining under my extra human's weight. roughly 3 seconds before i would've made it, the doors closed and the bus started to take off. i was really upset. 1) because that is the one major downside to public transit in a middle-sized city (the wait between buses is longer) and, 2) how is it possible that NO ONE saw me and called out to the bus driver "oh wait! there's a woman with a baby coming. stop!" hmph.

thankfully, our closest main bus line has several routes, and after a 10 minute wait another (less direct) bus arrived and i was able to make it to KGH (on time) with only one bus transfer.

motivated

ok, let's just to this. i want to let more people into my world and vice versa? well, let's start here.

1) for two days, i had a massive, painful zit on my lip. i was happy this morning, when it was clearly ready to be popped. and now that part of my face is on the mend.

2) i've been feeling concerned about my job situation come august 11 (when my EI ends). financially, we will be covered for our daily expenses, but extras such as outings, birthday gifts, daycare for otis (1 to 3 days a week), and stuff like oil changes or contact lenses, will need to be addressed. i'm currently working at next once a week, but i'd like another job so that i can work approximately 24 hours per week (including next). so i'm gonna start slowly working on my resume, and then once we return from cancun at the end of april, i'll ramp that up, and perhaps start sending out unsolicited resumes to the places i'm interested in working. i'm hopeful that 4 months will give me enough time to find something suitable come september (when the tiny man is old enough to start at daycare). as an aside, i really love that all the staff at eamon's daycare adore otis, and that boosts my confidence with enrolling him in the fall. i know he will be well loved, and it will be really good for him.

anyway, that's what's going on with me today.

got to get

i've found that my life at this current time is not lending itself to expanding my world beyond my own home. it's not that i haven't tried. the fellas and i get out on mondays and fridays. i work at next on wednesdays. and other semi-regular social engagements. but my daily interactions are with brendan and two small boys. it makes me feel as though brendan is carrying too much weight as my social engagement, my sound wall, my co-worker. that probably won't benefit either of us in the long-term.

it's not an uncommon concern of mine, to worry that my world is too small. but this is probably the smallest its ever been. i'm hopeful though that it can only get bigger from here. i do think though, that my introverted nature makes me often choose solitary tasks or outings. and i should probably start to make different choices.

brightspots

it's been three-quarters of a year since eamon dropped his nap, but both yesterday and today he's asked for one. part of me is excited to think he's recognizing the benefits of taking a mid-day nap, but the other part of me thinks this is more a side effect of being sick over the weekend. but who knows.

despite the fact that my days are full and therefore tiring, i'm feeling encouraged at my two-kid parenting. i'm getting the hang of certain aspects, and they're both developing in ways that are very helpful. i know i felt that the first 6 months with eamon was very different to my second 6 months with eamon, so i'm looking forward to these next 6 months with otis. perhaps life is about to shift gears.

vacancy

as landlords, this is our fourth time looking for tenants, and our first time when it's taken longer than one showing to lease it. it's got me feeling stressed. i know it's the time of year, and i think that's partly why i'm anxious. we're in the low rental season at the moment. there's a lot of vacancy, so listings need to be competitive. we've had about 10 responses, and done 4.5 viewings (the half being a phone call with an out of town prospective tenant), plus one open house where no one showed up (there were 4 potential tenants interested, but none showed up). because of this being the low season, we've lowered the rent. i'm pretty discouraged. i think people are turned off by it being exclusive. one girl actually asked us to cover the utilities (AND lower the rent to fit her budget) on the bright side, there are rumblings of a 25% cut in hydro costs, but i can't tell people what their utilities MIGHT cost with those changes, since there is no guarantees. 

it seems that regardless of any nice features (wood floors, basement for storage, in-home laundry facilities, etc), size matters most :S yes, the rooms are small, but we lived there as a family of three, and really, the main issues was there was no backyard/play space. 

anyway, it's really hard for me being in this position of waiting. i like to be proactive. and this is just a waiting game. i might make an add and take it to the seniors' centre. maybe instead of a young professional, we should be going after the single, senior and downsizing market. 

i'm not very thick-skinned. this is making me doubt the merits of rental properties. 

charcoal

i'm currently on my third period after otis. i still find it a drag each month when it arrives, because not having a period for all those months was pretty great. so much so, that i would consider the depo shot or something, that makes it go away for long periods of time. now that i'm retired from baby-having, it feels unnecessary to keep getting a period. but on the other hand, i'm not really comfortable with toying with my hormones, so i'll just have to get reacquainted with it.

anyway, now that i've had two babies, i'm finding that just a diva cup isn't cutting it anymore. especially at night time when i get up to nurse. so i decided to order some lunapads. getting to choose from an assortment of patterns was pretty fun. even though i'll be the only one who enjoys them.

i'm excited about this. after using cloth diapers, i came to love reusable things. if there's a reusable version of something, why get a disposable one!

that said, otis is nearing 6 months, and i'm only just getting into a groove with his cloth diapers. for a while there, we only used cloth at home and disposable out of the house. partly because early on, i was caught several times without proper cloth diaper supplies, and the complication of that was more than i was willing to deal with at the time. especially when eamon was in the hospital, etc. so i'm glad that we're settling into a good cloth diapering routine.

circling around the sun

there is one thing i can be pleased with. something that is exclusively mine. something internal to me, that no one else can share claim to. since otis was born 5 months ago, i've lost 35 lbs. this is extra exciting to me, since i only gained 25 lbs during my pregnancy. which means i'm 10 lbs less than i was before i got pregnant. i didn't get even close to my pre-pregnancy weight with eamon, even after a year! but not even 6 months later, i'm fitting back into pants i wore after eamon was born. AND they're not middle-aged women pants :)

state i'm in

brendan is out tonight at jared's birthday gathering. it seems lately that mostly just write when he's not home. it's not that we spend our time exclusively together, when he is home, but having an empty house helps me pause and think enough to write. i enjoy downloading my thoughts better in privacy.

this weekend i've felt very tired. not physically tired, not emotionally tired. maybe drained is a better word? i don't know. but i'm feeling pretty worn out from parenting. i feel kind of tired of it, like i want a break or some normal time out as an adult. i share this with reluctance, because i don't want to sound like i'm complaining. i know that we are very fortunate to have two healthy, happy little fellas. and i'm so glad and thankful for them. with that said, it feels like i'm getting it from each side. every time i turn around, one of them needs something or is in dire straits (usually otis at the hand of eamon, but sometimes eamon too). it feels unrelenting. i feel like i don't know what i'm doing. and what makes it extra difficult, is that it seems unfamiliar. i have no memories of my parents seeming like they're at their wits-end. they always seemed like they knew what they were doing, or at least if they didn't, i have no specific memories of that. so i can't comfort myself (from experience) with this being normal. even though, i'm sure it is. 

at this point, i'm looking forward to otis learning to sit up and start on solids. and i'm looking forward to eamon learning that despite the fact that "it's easier to say i'm sorry than ask permission", that it's not worth the relationship drama or disruption to life when he's done something self-indulgent.

further to my troubles in parenting, b and i have had a somewhat rocky weekend. now, i should preface this by saying, that sometimes i get super incredibly comfortable that i don't move. so comfortable that i decide not move. most frequently it's my legs. i'm getting close to that right now. but occasionally, it's my mouth. i get so comfortable that i don't want to talk. the way my tongue feels in my mouth. this usually happens before or after sleeping. and it generally super annoys b. it's pretty rare though, maybe once a year. anyway, that happened on friday night, and as a result we had some conflict to resolve on saturday. afterwards he said to me "can you understand how out of character it is for YOU, lesley lorimer, who talks all the time about everything, to not talk!?!?" thankfully that broke some tension and we were able to laugh about it. i've been told before "sometimes you say too much, and sometimes you say too little". that's probably true.

anyway, i don't know if writing this out is much comfort to me. but it's truthful and honest. i don't know how to get the rest or rejuvenation that i'm looking for. maybe it's just a matter of time, and i need to be patient. or maybe i just need to stay up late tonight and enjoy doing stuff i don't normally get to do during the day. enjoy the peace of this space, the heat from our wood stove, the sound of my cat's heavy breathing, this snuggly blanket. some books, some king of the hill episodes, some hot tea. 

it's like a breeze blowing deep beneath my skin.

sunday night soul searching

i've been thinking a little about events and aspects of my life that currently define me. and things that used to, but don't anymore. 

my parents split up when i was ten. but it does not define me. it did at one point, but i feel like a lot of healing has taken place in me and within my relationships with my family members. and now being from "a broken home" more of a trivia fact than a defining experience. 

however, i would say that being raised my a single parent IS a defining experience. i am driven to be competent and capable, which is heavily influenced by having a helpless mom who depended on her kids (despite their young ages) to be her equal partners. although, i don't think this really kicked in until my mid-twenties. my strong desire for competence and capability is a combination of two things. it's like a door that became unlocked by first inserting the key (my family of origin), then turning the key (living alone as a single woman). through these two experiences i learned that i needed to be capable because there was no one else to help me. either i did something myself, or it didn't get done. 

in my early twenties i went through a life-altering break-up. i was changed, my relationship with my family was changed, my understanding of faith was changed, my understanding of relationships (friendships, romantic partners, community) was changed. while the break-up itself is less significant, because with hindsight i can see how misguided i was, and ill-fitting the relationship itself was. the outcome was VERY significant, because i didn't date again (officially) until brendan – 5.5 years later (breaking my 9 year non-stop dating streak). spending the majority of my 20s as a single, independent woman was very defining. 

it's unfortunate that the tail end of my career at bbd was so sour, because being a working professional is another strong and defining experience. it was not so much the work itself, but what i learned about myself, and what it gave me. after said break-up, i went through a very difficult depressive stage in my life (this lasted about a 1.5 years). my self-worth was very low. i was very isolated, having only 2 friends, and lacked the know-how, confidence and opportunities to make more. yet, at one point, i discovered that i was a different person at work. smart, friendly, with something to offer others. people depended on me, people turned to me for help. i was valued. my colleagues cared about me, and built me up (being all 30 years older than me, they each invested in me and loved me in different ways). i went from an apathetic high school student who flew under the radar, to a college kid who found something that made her feel excited enough to make an effort, to a growing and thriving adult who came into her own only to discover she wasn't a dud after all. 

there has been some debate among people who know me well, if i am a myers-briggs 'thinker' or 'feeler'. and i suppose i can understand why. especially after hearing my sister speak today at a seminar, i noticed a few key differences between she and i, that are quite telling. she talked about how she responded to discovering my dad had left. she shared that she fell to the ground in an emotional display, crying out to God. when i heard that, i tried to remember what i did or how i reacted. my experience was very different. i arrived home from school (alone, i don't know where joy was). as soon as i walked into the house, i could feel that something was different. as a result, my eyes went to our buffet cabinet, and the framed photo of joy and me was gone. and i knew that he'd taken it when he left. later, i remember sitting on my mom's lap, with my head against her chest, and i could see her chin quiver as she started to silently cry. i didn't know what to do, so i just sat there. i feel things, i just don't always show what i'm feeling. my feelings, especially my most vulnerable emotions, are very private. i'm not typically a demonstrative feeler. i'm a stone-waller. i'm emotionally reclusive. my feelings are largely unknown to my family (perhaps because they don't ask, but instead expect me just to volunteer). i dunno, maybe that's in response to having a very demonstrative older sister. or maybe i'm just like my father (thank you, prince...). i've been blogging for 12 years, and this is the closest i have ever gotten to writing about that break up and my recovery. a break-up so painful that i've summed it up in the past as a break-up that tore my heart out through my nose. i'm getting way off topic now. i think i'll just wrap this up here.

needless warnings

i was speaking with a 50-something woman the other day. someone i'm acquainted with, but i don't know her very well. when she found out i am 37, she warned me about what it would be like to have kids as an older mother. she herself had kids in her early 20s, but her parents were in their late 30s when she was born. she felt the generation gap between her and her parents was too big, and impose that and other things on me. i tried to politely listen, but countered every so often, with things like "brendan's in his twenties and he's not finding parenting any easier than i do". and "i'm sure i would've parented very differently in my 20s, but i think i'm doing a better job in my 30s than i would've when i was younger". "my parents were in their late 30s and it wasn't really an issue".

there's no right or wrong age. sure, there are more convenient or easier times to have kids, but there's always reasons why the timing isn't good. there are pros and cons to everything, including when to have kids.

pickled zucchini

since its winter, and there isn't really much to do, we've been going out for lunch on saturdays. i like this activity. it gets us out, and we get to visit different places. today we went to the juniper cafe in the tett centre. this is probably our favourite cafe in town at the moment. since it's not in downtown proper, it's significantly less busy, and the food is REALLY GOOD! apparently the coffee is really good too. part of me wants to keep it kingston's best kept secret, but another part of me wants to share it with a small group of people. it's too bad that it's not open in the evenings. it seems that most cafes aren't these days, and those that are... are WAY overcrowded. i was thinking today about how when i was 25, i would sleep to 2 pm on saturdays, then go to the indigo cafe (before it became a starbucks) to read every weekend. it was really nice. i'd really love to go out reading one evening, but i'm not sure where i could get a seat. 

spare change

i got my wish to laugh til i cried.

yesterday, i was telling brendan about how when i was grocery-shopping with the fellas, eamon wanted some money to put into the seeing-eye-dog plastic donation dog thing. i was surprised that he knew what it was for, and happy to fork out some change for him to put in it. so i gave him a quarter, and he put it in the coin slot at the top. as we heard it fall into the base of the dog, eamon just looked at it confused. nothing was happening. then i realized that he didn't actually understand what it was for. he was looking at it as though he expected a puppy to come out, but nothing was happening. no puppy was appearing. he searched around a little bit (presumably looking for his puppy), then he gave up. he was really bummed out.

when i retold this event to brendan, i laughed and laughed and laughed. it was the cutest thing ever.

faux-january

i'm finding this weather completely useless. it's not cold enough for there to be any snow (and winter activities), but not warm enough to be dry (and do things like go to the park). this afternoon, i saw out on the back deck with otis wrapped in my sweater, watching brendan chop wood with his new axe. it was éamon's job to take the chopped wood and put it in the wood tote for lugging inside. the sound of brendan's boots on the grass sounded soggy, and the park/field behind our house was foggy. it felt like it should be april. or britian. i want a proper winter. the thought of three cold/wet/soggy seasons is extremely unappealing.

stamped

i took otis' passport application in to service canada today. i had to submit his long form birth certificate with the application – the one that eamon scribbled all over. so fingers cross that it will not be rejected, then slowed down by having to order a new long form.

anyway, the whole thing got me thinking about airport customs. i feel like airport customs is what made, and continues to make me feel very married. let me explain. living together is no big deal. people live with non-spouses. i myself have lived with a handful of friends before. bed-sharing is also not exclusively for married folk. sheesh, i've shared a bed with my sister. but i have not gone through airport customs with a friend or colleague before. on our honeymoon, when we went through customs together, as a married couple, a unit, a "family", that made the whole thing really real. i almost forgot that we were married since we didn't officially have the same last name yet! to this day, it feels very novel going through customs together. i like it :) i'm looking forward to traveling together again. hopefully soon.

polyester

now that I'm 37 and have had two babies, I find that my body is more and more resembling a middle aged woman's body. bearing this in mind, I concluded two things...

1) I cannot afford to dress the way I want. I was shopping downtown yesterday, and there were several items that interested me, but none that we're price in a range I'd be willing to pay.

2) I need to dress for my body type. there was a plus size mom at a library group I went to last week. and I found that I kept looking at her because I thought she was dressed very nicely and she looked great - and comfortable too! it was a good reminder that I don't need to be skinny to look nice.

so I went to value village yesterday to find some clothes that fit my new criteria. that included getting high-waisted pants. now, in some ways I don't particularly like high-waisted pants. but I accept that the are more flattering on my body and don't always require being hiked up. lower rise pants alway fall down or cause muffin-tops. so I bought some. I am embarrassed to admit that they are from northern reflections :S but that fits with me resembling a middle-aged woman.

Sent from my iPod

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

sometimes i think i'm a better caregiver than parent. i really enjoy taking care of their basic needs (bathing, eating, clothing, sleeping, diaper changing/using potty, etc), but training, teaching, correcting, instilling, guiding, is much harder. the last few days i feel like i'm a sucky parent. actually, i'm doing fine with otis, but largely because at his stage he mostly needs care-giving and not social skills or discipline. i briefly considered giving eamon away to someone who would probably do a better job and would not get as angry at him. he laughs in my face when i'm upset about something he's done, which then fills me with rage, only making him laugh more. i still don't feel confident that he's better off with me rather than someone else.

i felt scared this afternoon. for two reasons. 1) eamon sat on otis's head when i'd placed him on the wood floor (he'd had a messy messy poop and it was all over the change table), and otis was scream-crying. i cannot leave them for more than 10 seconds before eamon does something that could seriously harm otis, or possibly kill him (usually from suffocating). and 2) because i went all motherbear on him for hurting my baby. i didn't like that AT ALL.

brendan and i both feel way in over our heads. we're way past our scope of parenting ability. it's hard watching this take its toll on brendan. and i'm sure it's not easy for him not being able to go get his hair cut without wondering what fresh hell will break out at home while he's out.

my sister always says that she thinks she'd be perfect if she wasn't married with kids. while i don't quite share that sentiment, i know i wouldn't be harming someone else irrevocably by making mistakes and having lapses in judgement every once and awhile. i don't want to mess up my kid. i wish it wasn't so dang hard to make it through the day without hating myself at least once.

parenting really is not for the faint of heart or for people who are emotionally unstable. because it will find your weakness and your last nerve, and pinch it til you feel like your head is going to explode.

that's the kind of day i've been having. let's hope tomorrow is better.

mash-up

sometimes i struggle to remember that this is a stage of life. i want to operate fully in all capacities, but often times, life's activities are mutually exclusive. they can't all be done at once.

this is just a stage... it's not a reflection of me changing my values or priorities. i say this less as a statement, but more as a reminder. even month to month is different. december was different to january, and february will be different again. i just need to roll with is. from here on in, otis will be increasingly more independent from me.

i just started the third book in my soviet russia series. i suppose i will be getting little else but reading done for the next few weeks. joy bought my niece a crochet owl kit. it's super cute for christmas. joelle decided that she was not up to trying it, so she gave it to me. i'd really like to give it a go, but it'll have to wait til i'm done my book.

washed in the rain no longer.